Barb Winters's Blog, page 2

What Netflix Show Adolescence Reveals About Teen Mental Health and Technology

Information about the Netflix series Adolescence filled my feed, but I resisted the urge to turn it on. I ignored the ads and scrolled past the comments. I didn’t want to watch.

My research can affect my mental health to the point that I must step away. When that happens, I view uplifting, positive, or humorous content. I press pause on social media and all things mentally exhausting or downright sad.

But after seeing post after post about the new record-breaking Netflix series Adolescence, I relented. Accounts I trust claimed the show was impactful and that the storyline mirrors what our teens face every day.

I finally watched Adolescence after reading this quote from Nicki Reisberg of Scrolling2Death:

“From what I’ve seen, the film is an accurate representation of what can and is happening to the underdeveloped brains of children when they are pushed addictive and harmful algorithms … It’s true that kids alone in their room with technology can be the most dangerous place in the world. … The bad stuff keeps the kids scrolling longer.”

Is Adolescence Appropriate for You or Your Teen?

In my opinion, this is a brilliant show. The filming, acting, and music are excellent. But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

Before you watch, a few warnings—thanks to Andrea Davis of Better Screen Time.

Content: Adolescence is rated TV-MA (intended for adults). The show contains violence, sexual references, and an excessive number of f-bombs. Please follow your family’s media standards and don’t feel obligated to watch this show.

Realistic but Fictional: While the plot could be real, it’s a fictional representation of teen life.

Viewing this show isn’t necessary: The film offers a haunting insight into what our kids are up against, but it isn’t the only way to learn about these dangers. This alternative video explains dangers our children encounter and offers solutions: Our Kids Online: Porn, Predators, and How to Keep Them Safe.

That said, this series is emotionally intense with heavy themes. It offers a powerful window into what our teenagers deal with in the digital age. Many preteens and teens walk this same road, silently, while we go about our lives thinking they’re “just on their phones.”

What Adolescence Exposes About Teen Mental Health

This film doesn’t just explore the dark corners of the internet—it shines a spotlight on real-life issues:

Bullying and RejectionPornographySending NudesThe Manosphere and Toxic MasculinitySocial Media PressureIsolation Caused by Tech in Bedrooms

The narrative follows a seemingly average teen boy from a loving home. His parents aren’t villains. Their choices are like many of ours: giving their son access to tech, trusting his judgment, and allowing devices in his room.

But even good kids from good homes can spiral when left alone with an internet built to exploit their insecurities. Let’s recognize the battlefield they’re navigating so we can fight back.

Message for Adults

Adolescence isn’t just about preteens and teens. The adults around the kids didn’t grasp the immense influence the screens had until it was too late.

The Netflix series Adolescence begs us to listen to our children. When they say school is hard, pay attention. When they withdraw, don’t dismiss the behavior as “teen angst.” When they open up, engage.

Educate and communicate. The following posts may be helpful:

Communication Tips

Why Educate Your Child About Porn

Social Media Safety

What Screens Aren’t Teaching

What Parents Need to Know About Sextortion

Tech in bedrooms isn't safe. Netflix Adolescence shows why. Here’s what the show got right—and what we need to do as parents. What Netflix Adolescence Reveals About Teen Mental Health & Tech #DigitalParenting #ScreenTime
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Steps We Can Take

1. Make Bedrooms Tech-Free Zones

Sleep and solitude should be protected spaces, not gateways to dangerous content. Removing screens from bedrooms reduces late-night scrolling, exposure to harmful content, and emotional dysregulation.

2. Talk to Your Kids About the Pressures They Face

Many teens struggle in silence, overwhelmed by rejection, confusion about femininity and masculinity, and the constant comparison game of social media. Create space for open, ongoing conversations.

3. Call Out the Toxic Content

The manosphere is more than just edgy commentary—it’s a pipeline into misogyny, entitlement, and harmful worldviews. Equip your child to recognize it and critically question what they see. The manosphere and online pornography aren’t “harmless phases.” They shape how young men (and women) view themselves, women, and relationships. Let’s bring these topics into the light and teach them to question what they’re consuming.

4. Mentor and Monitor

Parenting in the digital age isn’t about spying. It’s about guiding. Teach your child how to use tech intentionally, recognize manipulation, and set healthy boundaries.

5. Model What You Preach

Your tech habits set the tone. If you’re always on your phone, expect resistance when you ask them to log off. Show them what digital discipline looks like.

We Can’t Afford to Look Away

In the end, Netflix ’s Adolescence isn’t just a show. It’s a wake-up call. Not one meant to shame parents—but to urge us toward a more conscious, connected way of raising our children.

Yes, it’s heavy. But sometimes heavy stories are exactly what we need to help us understand the weight of our responsibilities. So, even if you choose not to watch the show, heed the message.

Let’s not wait for a crisis to start the conversation. Your child’s mental health and future are worth every uncomfortable moment.

Please subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads: 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn AND Sexpectations Reflection Questions. For information on modeling habits of healthy relationships, read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships.

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5 Steps to Talk to Your Kids About Porn

Greta Eskridge is here! What a privilege! Greta’s recently released book, It’s Time to Talk To Your Kids About Porn, quickly became a best seller. Her topic is timely and essential. And, like most of you who’ve been here at Hopeful Mom know, one I’m passionate about. I recommend Greta’s book and listening to our discussion How Do I Respond When My Child Sees Porn? on her podcast. For those who’ve learned their child has seen pornography, I recommend the following downloadable booklets in the My Child Saw Porn series: You Are Not Alone and What Do I Do Now? And please be sure to subscribe for the FREE PDF: 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. —Psalm 34:18 

It’s what every parent dreads and the message I get every week: “My child has been exposed to pornography. I feel sick. I am devastated. What do I do?” The details vary—confessed or discovered, accidental exposure or sought out, at a friend’s house or at home, younger child or older teen, on an unlocked device or fully protected one—but the end result is always the same:  devastated, heartbroken parents and a struggling child. 

This doesn’t have to be the end of the story. There is hope and healing available for your child, and it starts with you. Your posture in this moment makes a tremendous difference in how your child will process this event.  

Above all, please remember that while the discovery of porn exposure or porn use hurts our hearts, God can use us to bring healing and comfort to our child whose heart is also hurting.  

1. PROCESS YOUR OWN EMOTIONS 

The first thing to understand is that it is absolutely normal for you to experience a cascade of different and intense emotions. Those emotions are valid and do not make you a bad parent. It’s also important to remember the words of Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God cares about your heart and your child – He cares even more than you do.  

That’s why, in the wake of discovery, you need to summon every ounce of self-control, compassion, love, and grace from the Holy Spirit to pour out on your child. You want to offer shame-free warmth and care. Make sure they know that they are not in trouble. There’s time later to talk about new boundaries and guardrails, but not now. Now is the time to be near your child both physically and emotionally. 

2. CONNECT WITH THEM 

After confession or discovery, if your child is open to it, hug them, hold them, or at least be physically near to them. Your job is to help them feel safe, peaceful, and even happy again. Pray together that God can take the pictures out of their mind and bring them healing. That should be the whole of the first conversation. It is not the right time for a lengthy lecture or even conversation. Be loving and be brief.  

3. TAKE TIME TO PREPARE FOR THE CONVERSATION 

The reason it is ideal to wait for the next conversation is because it is going to be more awkward and potentially painful. You need to determine the extent of your child’s exposure. If they confessed to you, you’ll be asking questions to see if this was a one-time viewing or if they went back to see more. If possible you’ll want to look at the history of the device used to get a clear picture of the trauma your child might be walking through based on what they saw. 

If your child didn’t come to you and you made the discovery, chances are you already know what they saw. But it’s still important to find out how long they have been viewing pornography, where, etc. It’s also helpful to encourage them to share with you if they can, as this helps release some of the pain and guilt and shame they are dealing with. Reassure your child that your questions are for their healing and safety, not because they are in trouble. 

4. APPROACH THE CONVERSATION WITH KINDNESS 

If your child is old enough to know that pornography and sex are connected, you need to let them know that pornography is not how God designed sex to be. You can tell them that God designed sex to be safe, loving, and in the context of marriage. This is not what they saw, and they need you to help them know the truth. Your child might be filled with remorse and willing to talk and confess. He might be confused. It is common for younger adolescents and children to say they don’t know why they went back to look at the pictures and videos. 

For an older child, especially one who didn’t confess but was caught, you might face more anger and sullenness or less willingness to talk. This is normal, and that child needs compassion just as much as the one who willingly confesses everything. Wherever your child falls on this spectrum, try to get as much information from them as possible, check devices if you can, pray together again, and save the next part of this ongoing conversation for later. 

When talking with your children about pornography, Greta Eskridge says to approach the conversation with kindness. Read here for more. 5 Steps to Talk to Your Kids About Porn #fightthenewdrug #onlinesafety #parenting
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5. HOW TO MOVE FORWARD 

The next talk you need to have with your child is about the steps you’ll be taking to keep them safe from further pornography exposure. Explain you must change the rules with devices in your home to keep them safe. 

Now is the time to change passwords, turn on all the parental controls, and only allow them to use tech with supervision. If they were seeking out porn, consider installing monitoring software like Bark and accountability software like Covenant Eyes on all family-owned devices. 

For some kids these changes will be a relief. For others it will feel like a punishment. You’ll have to stand your ground and do what is best for your child in the long run. Look for all the ways your child could get online, such as video game consoles, old phones, computers, and tablets.  Clear your house of those things to protect your child.  

Finally, it is time to begin filling your child’s mind, heart, and life with the antidote to the evil they consumed. Spend the next days, weeks, and months filling their mind with all kinds of good things to help replace the bad. 

Read beautiful and wholesome stories and picture books together. Fill your house with hymns and worship music.  Read and memorize Scripture together. Start with 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Write Scripture on cards and put them all over your house. Spend time outdoors as often as possible.Be with friends who bring joy and delight to your child’s life. Make extra effort to cultivate connection with your child and to provide opportunities for them to connect to God, his creation, and his people. 

Also consider if your child needs help beyond what you can offer. If they were accidentally exposed to pornography and did not continue to seek it out, you are probably capable of helping them heal. But if your child was actively using porn for a time and especially if they did not confess and were discovered, you might want to get them extra support from a pastor or counselor. 

It is tempting to give into despair when walking through this situation. But you are not alone. So many other parents have walked the exact same road. 

There is so much fear and shame attached to pornography that few parents are talking about it.  But we need to band together to create a safer, more supportive world for our kids and for one another. Seeing porn is not to be the end of your child’s story.

Adapted from It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn. Copyright © 2025 by Greta Eskridge. Published by Thomas Nelson. Available wherever books are sold.

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You’re Making a Difference!

International Women’s Day is in March. To be honest, I didn’t know that was a thing until recently. I received an email from Defend Young Minds, an organization devoted to developing tools to help raise screen-smart kids, saying they “wanted to recognize the amazing women leading the charge in child safety, advocacy, and education.” They listed me as one of the 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids. They thanked me for the impact I’m making in this space.

My jaw hit the floor. Really. Because, while I know Kristen Jenson, Best Seller Good Pictures, Bad Pictures and Founder of Defend Young Minds, her influence is far, far (far!) greater than mine. And when I read the list of women, I saw pioneers who paved the way for people like me. They lead the charge against big corporations. They fly to Washington DC to lobby for our children’s safety. They make a difference!

I hadn’t thought of myself as one of those women. One dedicated to making life safer for kids.

But I am.

And so are you.

Okay, I know men are here, too. But if you’ve taken the time to read an article, purchase a book, soak up information, and then have just one conversation with a child, grandchild, neighbor, or friend, you’re doing it! You’re making a difference. If you added a Wi-Fi filter, monitored screen time, or used parental controls, you’re making a difference. Yes, you!

Just a Mom

Most of you know my story. I’m just a mom. A mom who found out her son had been watching pornography. A mom who didn’t know her child could or would access such things. A mom devastated, guilt-ridden, ashamed. Then, from love, this mom resolved to help her son.

We walked through the recovery process together. His determination and faith coupled with my encouragement and reassurance—and a host of others praying and supporting. Not easy. Not short. But effective. Freedom.

And, in the midst, a still small voice said, “Tell others. Be available to other moms. To hurting parents. Tell them they are not alone.” So I did. And I do. That’s all.

The Real Success Story

The real success story is you. You are the one making a difference. Your hard work and dedication to keeping your children safe is an inspiration. To me.

I can’t tell you how often your stories motivate me. How your willingness to get in the trenches with your children melts my heart.

Parenting is full of ups and downs. So many times, we think we failed. We know we failed. We see the scrapes and bruises, the wrong choices and repercussions. And we ache. We talk, beg, and plead. We cry out to God. Then we loosen the grip we’ve had on the precious child we once cradled in our arms. Sometimes they wallow in their unhealthy choices. And sometimes . . . they see the destructive path they’re walking, turn, and choose a healthier route. And we rejoice.

And when we are on this journey, we should rejoice, often, over both small and large decisions. That awkward first conversation in which all blushed and stammered. That first major decision to delete social media. The instance in which our child confessed to slipping. When we held the line after their instinctive nature emerged once again. And, of course, when they held fast to their goals, resisting their urges.

Today, I celebrate you. A mom. A dad. A grandparent. A community leader. A pastor. An influencer over youth. You are my inspiration. The reason I keep talking.

I’m patting you on the back for your desire to keep children safe and your diligence in researching, talking, and changing the climate. One small decision at a time. May this inspire you to keep talking!

If you’ve found help or hope here, please subscribe to Hopeful Mom and share this post with your friends.

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What Screens Aren’t Teaching

What important life skills are our children not being taught by screens? My friend, Christy Bass Adams, answers that question in this guest post. Christy’s compassionate heart comes through in this message to parents and those of us who spend a significant amount of time on our screens.

Our church recently hosted a workshop entitled, Are You the Screen Hero Your Child Needs? with speaker Barb Winters. She shared the dangers of unmonitored online access to kids and teens and the unhealthy habits and dynamics created in their lives. She also highlighted dangers and possible predators waiting to devour our children.

It’s easy to write these things off, especially when we are distracted or singularly focused. We need our kids quiet and entertained, so we put screens in front of them. They eat breakfast, lunch, and supper in front of screens. Everything revolves around keeping them entertained and engaged. Who actually knows what their minds are taking in?

What does this teach our kids?

More importantly, what are screens not teaching them?Socialization

Dr. Sawchuk, from Mayo Clinic, says, “We are social animals by nature, so we tend to function better when we’re in a community and being around others.”[i] Depression and loneliness are more apt to enter a person’s life who has neglected socializing with others. The benefits of socializing include a better memory, sharper cognitive skills, a general sense of increased happiness, and is thought to lead to longer life as well.[ii] Kids, teenagers, and adults hiding behind screens, aren’t interacting with people face to face as often. Mindless video scrolling, text conversations with abbreviations and partial sentences, and unmonitored access to content that is not age appropriate is creating a generation that not only doesn’t socialize as much, but is forgetting how.

Conversation

When asked about the effects of technology on modern day conversation, sociology professor Sherry Turkle responded, “Conversation is the most human and humanizing thing that we do. It’s where empathy is born, where intimacy is born—because of eye contact, because we can hear the tones of another person’s voice, sense their body movements, sense their presence. It’s where we learn about other people.”[iii]

Even fifteen years ago when I was in the elementary classroom, I noticed the effects of technology. I regularly engaged my fourth and fifth graders in activities requiring conversation with peers—asking questions, responding appropriately, and utilizing manners, etiquette, and respectful responses. The further development of technology and the “need” to give our kids handheld devices at younger ages is only creating a bigger gap that we as a society need to bridge.

Relationships

More and more people turn to technology to meet friends, dates, and long-term relationships. Texting happens first, often for weeks. Then, finally, a phone call. Some relationships remain text and reel-focused, and in-person interactions are limited. Referencing Professor Turkle about her take on conversation, these technological interactions are lacking body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and I’ll add, familiar humor and friendly touch. While there are some success stories, technologically focused relationships generally miss the depth, intimacy, and familiarity of in-person connection.

What are screens not teaching our children? Socialization. Conversation. Imagination. Creativity. Critical thinking. Love of nature. Relationships. Rest. Stillness. Calm. Patience. ~ Christy Bass Adams What Are We Teaching Them?…
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Imagination, Creativity, and Critical Thinking

I remember the days when kids played outside. We raced bikes, climbed trees, built forts, jumped out of swings, and ran up and down metal slides. We lay in the grass identifying different shapes and creatures in the clouds. We watched for shooting stars. And sat around campfires telling made up stories or singing silly songs. Life was about interaction. Imagination. Creativity. And thinking critically.

If a ball got stuck in the neighbor’s tree, we found a way to get it out. If there was something on the highest shelf, we used our brains and strategically retrieved it. When we chatted with friends, we were at the edge of the neighborhood deciding which route to take, not talking through technology.

Screens have changed things. Kids don’t have to imagine the fantasy worlds anymore; everything is at their fingertips. They speak it, AI generates it. While technology has created ease of access, I fear for the future generation’s ability to play, create, imagine, and problem solve. Not to mention the ability to count back change if the computers go down at a restaurant.

Rest, Stillness, Calm, and Patience

Anything a person wants or needs is at their fingertips. While fast food and processed packages changed my generation, the fast-paced, instant gratification of the internet has changed this one. Smartphones, tablets, smartwatches, Fitbits, self-driving cars, Uber-Eats. Technology is not fostering a generation of calm, patient, rest-focused individuals. They’re rarely still physically and constantly entertained with technology.

This generation is being educated, entertained, and raised by screens. And sadly, we are their models. No more book or magazine reading in doctor’s offices. Very few handwritten notes or cards. Audible car games and conversations are obsolete.

Challenge

We have allowed this to happen. Because our noses are always in a screen.

I’m guilty. My phone is my calendar, alarm, connection to friends and family, entertainment, and security. Its buzz interrupts meaningful activities and takes precedence over whatever I’m doing. And what do we do on our phones? Scroll through pointless reels, spy on people through social media, check messages, and play ridiculous games. There are important things as well, but overall, our phones keep us engaged in a virtual world and pull us away from real people.

I’m challenging myself to do better. Text messages can wait. Emails will be there later. The people in the room are the ones that matter most, and they need to be the ones who get and keep my attention.                        

Will you join me? Will you make a conscious effort to be present? Silence the noise of senseless media? Will you teach your kids to be present and engage with those in the room as well? If we don’t, we will lose this generation.

Be sure to visit Christy’s website at christybassadams.com and check out her books here. Subscribe for Hopeful Mom updates, share this post, and peruse the Hopeful Mom resource page. Thanks for reading!

[i] Mayo Clinic Minute: The benefits of being socially connected – Mayo Clinic News Network

[ii] Mayo Clinic Minute: The benefits of being socially connected – Mayo Clinic News Network

[iii] How Smartphones Are Killing Conversation

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The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on Parents

Healthy relationships thrive on trust. When one person betrays the other, that trust breaks and the relationship’s solid foundation crumbles. Betrayal trauma may follow.

Several years into my son’s ordeal, I read about the effects of betrayal trauma in Dr. Sheri Keffer’s book Intimate Deception. She states, “Trauma is a reaction of our bodies, minds, and emotions to a deeply distressing event. . . . Like a death, earthquake, or car crash, the event happens suddenly and changes us without warning, causing us to feel shock, denial, agony, terror, or helplessness.” Keffer explains that these reactions can be ongoing if the deception (betrayal) is ongoing.[i]

The description rang true. I can’t enumerate all the ramifications of my son’s deceit, but I remember the sting of being lied to. At the time, I could not have imagined this child ever lying to me.

So easily.

Over and over.

Without a hint of deception.

My son’s betrayal was more devastating than his pornography use. I was undone.

Typically, betrayal trauma is associated with an intimate partner relationship. However, a child’s consistent dishonesty and disloyalty produces similar effects in a parent/child relationship. The result is psychological and emotional distress which can seep into all areas of life.

Impacts

My son had deceived me—in a sense, had been disloyal to me—for years. Yes, his porn use and other deceptive behavior impacted how I interacted with him. I no longer trusted him. But the ripple effects of the betrayal trauma I experienced touched other aspects of my life also.  

Our home atmosphere changed. A secret loomed in the air and the tension was noticeable. I questioned my other children’s statements and wondered if they were lying too.

The trauma affected the connection I shared with my husband. Some days it drew us closer, whereas other days it drove a wedge between us. We agreed on treatment for our son, but the emotional strain seeped into our marriage through other avenues.

The effects changed how I interacted socially with friends and extended family. I usually talked openly about my parenting shortcomings and victories. However, in this area of life, I couldn’t share details—or even offer a broad overview. I felt like a fraud.  

The situation impacted my intellect. My thinking was clouded, and my emotions were poised, ready to seize my brain at a moment’s notice. I forgot why I entered a room or the chore I was trying to complete. I couldn’t remember simple things, like where we kept the forks. I was forced to stop, close my eyes, and focus on normal, everyday tasks.

Our finances were affected as we began paying for filters and other resources.

The ordeal infringed on my physical well-being. My anxiety spiked, and I teetered between bingeing on sugary snacks and eating nothing at all. Sleep was elusive, my mood unstable, and my sensitivity heightened. I wavered between numbness and breaking down. The stress was overwhelming.

The betrayal trauma influenced my relationship with God. I threw questions in anger at Him one day and put my head in His lap and cried like a baby the next. Thankfully, His steadiness was one constant in my turbulent life. His strength empowered me to keep going, to get out of bed each morning, and to continue parenting my child. His love propelled me to keep loving, to plug away, to stick it out.

He quieted my fears.

A child's lying and deceiving may lead to a parent suffering from betrayal trauma. This can affect all areas of life, including their close relationships, intellect, and physical well-being. The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on Parents…
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Combatting Betrayal Trauma

Are you feeling the effects of betrayal trauma? Are you stunned by your child’s deception and lying? Is your relationship with your child damaged? Are you now struggling to trust others? Have the effects seeped into other areas of your life? I hope the following helps.

Pinpoint how the trauma has affected your relationships, emotions, and well-being.Talk with your child about a plan to mend your relationship.Explain to close family and friends that your trust has been broken and that you are hurting. Advise them on how they can help you learn to trust again.Recognize that your child’s betrayal is not personal. Their brain is still developing, and their desire to watch porn has nothing to do with you.Forgive your child.Take care of yourself.Keep long-term goals in mind. Healing is not quick. Focus on everyone’s optimal health.Establish boundaries within your relationships.Let go of what you can’t control.Trust God.

You’ve got this!

Will you join me in spreading the word about online dangers and the impact on children and parents? Please share this post on social media. Subscribe to Hopeful Mom for updates to the blog and TWO FREE PDF downloads. If you have been impacted by a child’s pornography use, check out the “My Child Saw Porn” downloadable booklets.

[i] Keffer, Intimate Deception, p. 45.

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From Trafficking Victim to Advocate: Kelley’s Journey of Triumph and Transformation

When I first met Kelley, her smile and energetic disposition lit up the room. I would not have guessed her past. Her enthusiasm and zeal for life is contagious and inspiring. I’m certain you’ll find her message insightful. practical and full of hope.

It’s safe to say we are living in strange times, and sanity of mind is a hard thing to come by these days. Up is down, left is right, evil is good, good is evil, and we’re just trapped in the whirlwind of it all. But I’ll begin by posing this question: are we actually trapped or were we intentionally placed here for such a time as this? To speak truth louder than the lies and to shine forth a light in the darkness. To shake things up. To disturb things. To flip some tables. To raise up a generation who will not be silenced. A generation who will lead in boldness and power, authenticity and humility. A generation built by confrontation, having learned to stand in the face of opposition and fear. I believe wholeheartedly that we are called to just that, and if you’re reading this, I’ve got a feeling you do too.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kelley Frenchko-Gordon, and I was born and raised in Southwest Florida. Even as a little girl I loved reading books while lying in the grass, singing at the top of my lungs, and dancing by myself in the rain. Funny people were my favorite and music quite literally lived in my soul. Life then was innocent.

That is, until I realized the place I called home was different than the other kids and there was violence within the walls that were meant to keep me safe. Drugs and alcohol flowed freely through the doors that should’ve locked them out. It was early on that I understood the dysfunction of my reality. But I couldn’t have predicted I would eventually become a trafficking victim.

I’ll never forget the time in my life that all innocence was stolen. How it quickly turned into a storm brewing, gaining speed and strength, growing in intensity and danger. We had a family television, right there in our living room, that opened the door to the world of sexuality, beckoning an unsuspecting and unprotected little girl to come and play. 

Pornography Link

I can honestly say everything changed when I watched pornography for the first time. Even the way I began looking at women, no longer a person of value, but rather an object of sexual gratification. It was in my nightly private rendezvous with people who should’ve been appalled at my joining that I first believed the lie: WOMEN WERE CREATED FOR SEX.

This honest belief led to a life of open sexuality, one that would keep me bound for more than twenty years. During that time, I experienced being drugged, raped, and videotaped. I was sixteen years old when I found out that the pornography videos were made and were circulating in my community. The story wasn’t that I was a trafficking victim. Instead, I was dubbed the “whore.”

Life went on, and I married into domestic violence, enduring eight years of secret abuse. When all of that ended, I turned towards the path that raised me. Drugs became my way of life, along with excessive drinking, and routine partying. That lifestyle quickly led to prostitution. After all, it was easy for me to enter back into the world I had become so familiar with. Only this time, I manipulated it for gain. My gain. No longer the innocent little girl, but the woman who made her body a god.

I first believed the lie that women were created for sex when I saw pornography. This belief led to a life of open sexuality. ~ Kelley Frenchko-Gordon #traffickingvictim #fightthenewdrug From Trafficking Victim to Advocate: Kelley’s…
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I’ve now been clean and sober thirteen years. I am married to Joseph, a man I never even hoped for, and we have two beautiful daughters. The dreams from the little girl I used to be have come to pass, with each sunrise bringing a renewed thankfulness. I often look back on the life I lived with a changed perspective, as if seeing with a different set of eyes.

I no longer think of myself as a trafficking victim; I’m a survivor and advocate.

Talk About Hard Things

My mission is to shed light on and bring conversation to the hard things. The sensitive subjects surrounding sex, drugs, rape, abuse, suicide, and the like. I believe there is a great responsibility placed on adults to talk about the things I wish I would have known about when I was younger. To be for them what I needed. In speaking with people of all ages, I have learned it’s easier and more comfortable to sweep things under the rug. To not go there. But coming from a place of experience, we must go there. We have to. Because the truth is: our children are.

We need to prepare our youth for what they will be or already have been exposed to. We want to keep them from becoming trafficking victims or any other type of victim. We must be a place of safety for them, allowing them into our lives and diving headfirst into theirs. Going all in…with no fear or turning back.

What We Can DoDiscuss the importance of boundaries, how to set them, and how to keep them. Explain that boundaries are healthy, and we should respect others’ boundaries just as we expect others to respect ours. When youth understand peer pressure and manipulation, they are empowered to resist it and say “no.”Instill confidence in them and encourage them to stick to their boundaries. Remind them of their future and explain how each decision they make now will affect the days to come.Ask challenging questions and open up conversations about red flags and the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviors in relationships. You are raising awareness of verbal, sexual, and physical abuse.

Again, I’ll say, our children must be prepared. It is necessary that we prepare them for the real world, releasing with them strength and assurance. Because I know now what I didn’t know then. And I know who I needed.

You are exactly who your child needs.

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The post From Trafficking Victim to Advocate: Kelley’s Journey of Triumph and Transformation appeared first on HOPEFUL MOM.

Choices That Lead to Your Best Life

Choices. We make them all day long. Should I have cereal or eggs for breakfast? Should I wear the black shoes or the navy? Should I brush my teeth today or not? . . . Wait! You don’t stop to think about that last one? . . . Come to think of it, neither do I. I automatically brush my teeth each and every morning. That’s a decision I made in middle school. A done deal. Or is it? While I concluded during my adolescent years that brushing my teeth daily is an absolute must, I can still walk away from this beneficial habit today if I want to. Hmmm. Nope. I think I’ll stick with it.

Big. Choices can be grandiose and life altering. Should I accept the promotion and move my family across the country? Do I choose the surgery which could eliminate the pain in my back but may paralyze me for life? We typically give these considerate thought, pondering the possible consequences. Although, life-altering ramifications may occur in an instant under certain circumstances. (i.e. Should I get behind the wheel of the car after three drinks?)

Small. Some choices seem insignificant. Can I spend a few more minutes perfecting this work project? Should I call my sibling, the one I haven’t talked to in a few weeks? Can I eat one more Oreo? How about one more episode on Netflix? The next generation may consider watching pornography to be a small, insignificant decision. The nonchalant societal attitude contributes to this viewpoint.

Unaware. And sometimes we don’t realize we’re making choices. It’s as if the decision finds us. Our choice is chosen before we think. The clock jumps forward half an hour while we innocently scroll reels. An empty bag of potato chips lays next to us. The vape pen empties itself. These subtle and subconscious deeds feel more like inevitabilities than choices. But, over time, they have the power and potential to steer our entire life in a direction we never intended to go.

People caught in addictions may find themselves in this position. They automatically reach for the substance that feeds their addiction before ever thinking about it.

What motivates each of these thousands of choices, deliberate or otherwise, each day? Brain science explains those habitual decisions, the ones we slide into without giving it an extra thought. However, our motivation should be more positive, more thought-provoked.

Living Our Best Life

When we’re in the classroom, my colleagues and I ask students, “Who wants to live your best life?” If they’re awake and paying attention, they typically raise their hands.

I can’t imagine too many people saying they don’t want to live their best life. But (1) what does living your best life mean? And (2) how do we get there? The second question’s simple answer is: Make healthy choices. (More on that in a minute.) The first question, however, may need some explanation, especially if we hope to talk with our children about living their best lives.

Because, as individuals, we each possess a different set of talents, skills, abilities, and personality traits, my best life differs greatly from yours. It’s not measurable. In other words, neither of us can look at the other and state, “You’re doing it.” This is a key point. As we march through time, we shouldn’t compare achievements, physical abilities, or disposition. A good reminder to pass along to our children.

Our best life is just that—ours.

To simplify, here’s a list which helps define living one’s best life:

You wake up feeling good about yourself.You wake up feeling good about your relationships—including the ones you have with yourself, God, and those around you.You look forward to your day, its activities and its outcomes.You can’t wait to interact with others—your friends, family, co-workers, and the community.You plan ahead with hopeful expectation.You’re optimistic about the future.

In order to live that best life, our goals and actions must align with our beliefs and values. Then we must make decisions, both big and small, that take us toward those goals and line up with our beliefs. Choices. Life-sustaining, life-giving choices which improve all aspects of our lives, positively influence others, and offer hope.

Yes, those small, subtle, subconscious actions can make a significant impact. Our current decisions affect the future. Each choice we make today moves us closer to our goals or farther away. Each helps us live our best life or makes it more complicated and chaotic. Joyful or depressed. Thriving or existing. Which road do we want to take? I hope your choices encompass your talents, skills, abilities, and personality traits. I hope they model your beliefs and values for your children. And, as you go, I hope you both live your best life. And that you keep brushing your teeth.

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Opening My Eyes to the Realities of Sex Trafficking

January is Human Trafficking Awareness month. I met Jessica Brodie last fall and learned of her passion to educate others about the sex trafficking issue plaguing our society. Jessica offers insight and wisdom to us in her post.

Like many people, I used to make a lot of assumptions about sex trafficking—I assumed it only happened in “those” neighborhoods or to “those” kinds of kids—girls who didn’t know better, or whose moms were in the sex industry. I assumed the girls knew what they were getting into and simply made a choice—a bad one, but one they made with eyes wide open.

Then it hit close to home, when I learned about a young girl in our relatively wholesome community who’d somehow gotten lured into this mess. By the time her parents were able to track her down, out of state and by then deep in the throes of addiction and crime, she’d become a shell of her former self. It took years to heal from the trauma, and I suspect the nightmares will haunt her for a lifetime.

That’s when I learned about grooming and online chat rooms, about drug parties and quick-cash home movies, about blackmail and other sneaky, perverse, calculating tactics employed by both men and women. I learned how easily twisted, manipulative adults posing as teenaged boys or new and enticing female “friends” are able to lure young girls in with fine-tuned bait, appealing to their darkest or most desperate desires.

Like wolves isolating that lone, wounded sheep from the rest of the flock, they circle in on these girls and draw them to the outskirts, where—vulnerable and alone—they get sucked in to The Life … sometimes, never to return. 

For just like victims of domestic violence are brainwashed and gaslighted by people they love and trust, so too are victims of sex trafficking.

My eyes are open now, and I can’t unsee what I now know.

The reality is that sex trafficking is everywhere. It’s in your neighborhood and mine. And it’s up to us as parents to open our eyes and do something. Raise awareness. Educate. Advocate … before it’s too late.

I have four teens, including two seventeen-year-old daughters, and rest assured I’ve had these conversations with them. Even though it makes them uncomfortable to think about, it’s critical they know not every guy on Snapchat or Instagram with a cute profile picture is actually their age. It’s critical they know how easily it can happen.  

The Deliver Fund, a nonprofit intelligence agency that combats sex and other human trafficking with counterterrorism expertise, estimates that between 15,000 and 50,000 women and children are forced into sexual slavery in the United States every year. Most are female, though males are trafficked, too, for the same reasons.

And because so much of sex trafficking happens behind closed doors, in secret, it’s hard to gather accurate statistics.

In fact, according to the Polaris Project, many people in sex trafficking situations don’t even recognize themselves as “victims” because they’ve been so expertly groomed by a trafficker.

Many victims of sex trafficking don't recognize themselves as victims because they've been so expertly groomed. Read more here. #humantraffickingawareness Opening My Eyes to the Realities of Sex Trafficking
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As one survivor of trafficking stated on Polaris Project’s website, “It took me ten years to realize: Hey. Wow. I was trafficked, because my situation was so different from what I had seen represented as trafficking.”

Sex trafficking can look like a lot of different things, but ultimately it involves selling one’s body for sexual acts. It can include prostitution for a pimp on the streets; gang requirements or initiation; group housing arrangements, where a homeless teen might get a place to live in exchange for sexual favors; and drugs-for-sex swaps, when someone gets free drugs for a while, then once they’re addicted, they must exchange sex acts for the drugs they now crave. In some cases, young women eager to land modeling jobs might be told they need to “be nice” to clients in order to land a coveted photo shoot—only, the agent isn’t reputable, and those photo shoots never come.

And it’s all happening all over the place, in big cities and suburbs, in farming communities and low-income projects, right under our noses with our daughters, and sometimes our sons.

Predators are out there, just looking for a foothold. Waiting for that kid who’s mad at her parents and itching for payback. Waiting for that kid who’s curious about drugs and doesn’t suspect ulterior motives when offered free samples for weeks on end.

The advent of smartphones, social media apps, and light parental restriction makes their job all the easier.

What can you do?Get educated. The Polaris Project has some excellent example scenarios of sex trafficking here so you can understand how easily it can happen.Keep lines of communication open with your kids starting at a young age. I’ve been talking about sex with my kids since they were too young to be embarrassed about it—both good, God-designed sex (in a loving, married relationship) and bad.Don’t stop talking when they get older and start to get embarrassed. I’d much prefer my kids find out scary facts or truths from me than from their friends or the internet. That way we can talk about it. Share news stories, or ask questions when you hear about things happening in your community. Shine light into the darkness.Monitor their phones, tablet, or laptops. Make sure you know what social media apps they’re on, and don’t just offer blanket approval when they ask to download something.Share what you know wherever you can. I’m a journalist and an author, so I use my platforms to speak out when I can, whether it’s the blog you’re reading today, an article I wrote that might appear in a newspaper or online magazine, or a novel. My faith-based novel Hidden Seeds (not yet published, but coming soon) features a protagonist who has escaped a life of sex trafficking and is starting over with her young daughter under a new name. Whether it’s your church, home, workplace, or community, consider how you can share what you know so all may see the light.

Too many times, we assume bad things happen in places far from us, that we’ve built an ironclad home and family unit that couldn’t possibly fall to attack. But as the Bible tells us, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8 NIV). There’s no room for ignorance or wishful thinking when it comes to defending ourselves and our young people against evil.

Thanks for reading. Please spread the word about human trafficking by sharing this post.

The post Opening My Eyes to the Realities of Sex Trafficking appeared first on HOPEFUL MOM.

Self-Care for the New Year

As December turns to January, tradition dictates that we reflect on the past year, shed unhealthy habits, and resolve to live a healthier lifestyle. A fresh start.

Easier said than done. Parenting never ends and doesn’t make room for reflection or renewed routines.

If you think life’s too busy to take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health, you’re not alone. According to 2023 data, “48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to 26% among other adults.”[i]

According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents, parent stressors include financial strain, time demands, children’s health, cultural pressure, and technology and social media. The advisory states, “Nearly 70% of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as the top two cited reasons.” Over half of parents of adolescents are worried their child’s social media use could lead to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, or being harassed or bullied. Seventy-one percent are worried it will lead to exposure to explicit content.[ii]

How do we relieve some of this pressure?

Self-care is a must.

In my early days of homeschooling, afternoons included quiet time for my kids and me. My children’s bodies no longer required naps, but I still needed a break from the constant interaction with little ones. I ushered them into their bedroom to read a book or listen to an Odyssey tape. (Yes, I said “tape.” It’s something you put into a tape recorder to hear a story. Sometimes it was a CD. This was way before streaming. But I digress.)

I went into my bedroom and prayed, read, or, sometimes, slept. I needed the time alone—to gather my thoughts and rejuvenate my body. When my children objected, I reminded them, “Quiet time is for mommy. Mommy is a better mommy after quiet time. She’s happier and more loving, which affects how she interacts with you. So quiet time is a must for mommy.” And it was true, especially on days I felt stressed about all the things.

Self-care is not selfish. Self-care assists us in being the best parents we can be. Without it, stress builds. It impacts our mental and emotional areas of life, eventually affecting our physical, spiritual, financial, and relational health. Self-care, taking care of our well-being, is the answer.

What does self-care look like?

While self-care is different for each of us, certain core elements need addressed.

Physical. What physical activity do you enjoy? An important part of my day is short walks. I walk for ten minutes around my neighborhood at least twice a day. This gets me out of my desk chair, helps clear my mind, and keeps my body mobile. To maintain a healthy heart, I work out 20-30 minutes a few times each week.

Self-care in the physical area of life also includes proper eating and sufficient sleep.

Spiritual. How do you feed this part of your life? Prayer? Meditation? Reading? Attending weekly services? While we may not all practice the same religion, nurturing this area is vital. Feeding our soul inspires creativity and nurtures hope.

Emotional. What emotions hijack your brain? When we experience out-of-control emotions, we can practice breathing exercises and set boundaries. When feeling angry or agitated, we can stop and evaluate our circumstances. Ask yourself what initiated the response and what can be done to deescalate the runaway emotions. Figure out how to prevent the same reaction in the future.

Mental. What activity brings you joy? Whether it’s reading, painting, or horseback riding, pursuing an endeavor which lifts our spirits helps our mental well-being.  

Social/Relational. What social activities bring you pleasure? Whose presence warms your heart? Go for coffee with your friend. Invite colleagues over for a game night. Call the family member who makes you laugh.

Spending time with others is not self-indulgent. On the contrary, when we surround ourselves with people who pour into our lives, we treat others better.

Your Turn

Open your calendar and schedule time to evaluate your self-care habits. Carve out space to add in self-care activities. You’ll be grateful you did. And so will your children.

WORKSHOP – JAN 5, 2025

If you live close to Madison, FL, you’ll want to attend this essential workshop! Barb Winters empowers parents to navigate conversations with their children about online safety. From accidental pornography exposure to online predators, all children are at risk. Barb draws on her personal experience and professional insight to equip you with the skills necessary to address these challenges confidently. Join me for this workshop at Fellowship Church in Madison, FL.

Be sure to share this information, along with this website, with your friends.

Happy New Year!

[i] https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/parents/index.html

[ii] https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressure.pdf

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Victors in the Battle for Sexual Integrity

I’m thrilled to introduce Teri White, an incredible advocate for sexual risk avoidance education. Teri works directly with schools, equipping students with tools for healthy decision-making, and has also developed a curriculum to help parents teach their children about sexual integrity. I had the pleasure of meeting Teri in person at a homeschool conference and was immediately drawn to her warm and engaging personality. As two retired homeschool moms now dedicated to guiding students toward healthier choices, we share a deep passion for this work. It’s an honor to share her insights in this post.

E. Stanley Jones wrote, “Sex has produced more happiness and more unhappiness than any single thing in life. It all depends on what you do with it.”

These words crafted by Jones are on point. The battle for sexual integrity has been fought since the beginning of time by all individuals, young and old alike. Every person born on earth will, at some point, make the decision to live to the highest of moral standards about their own sexual behaviors or avoid it all together. Because this is a battle of great magnitude, it is imperative that individuals are prepared and equipped to face the struggle without fear. But how? How does one become combat ready and equipped to engage in the battle?

More importantly, how does one prepare their children to be conquerors in the battle for sexual integrity?

Instruction in sexual integrity has long been a taboo topic that often has been avoided. Parents have been apprehensive to discuss it for a multiplicity of reasons and some have completely avoided any semblance of this conversation with their children. Perhaps a parent did not hold to the highest of moral standards when they were a young person and are now embarrassed or shamed regarding their personal weaknesses and mistakes. Teachers, some of which are mandated by state boards of education, have been reluctant to talk about the truth of sexual integrity, often due to their own lack of knowledge, misunderstanding, and fear. Some churches have attempted to touch on the subject but not always in a positive manner.

"Youth will be exposed to issues of sexual integrity. Empower them to walk into the battle equipped." ~ Teri White, Victors in the Battle for Sexual Integrity #hopefulmom #healthyrelationships
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Fast forward over time and the purity culture enters the scene. Although promoted by well-intentioned individuals with positive motives, the purity culture movement brought its own set of problems to the discussion. Teaching was readily conducted on what not to do regarding sexual behavior, yet rarely was teaching conducted on the beauty and benefits of positive sexual behaviors within a faithful and loving marriage. A disturbing narrative emerged that was based on shame rather than the beautiful intimacy that should be cultivated within a healthy marital relationship.

What was the result of the timidity and shame-based teaching? A lot of confusion which involved generations of people growing up ignorant and full of questions on how to navigate their emerging sexuality. Countless individuals learned about sexual integrity the hard way, by trial and error. This method of learning (or lack of learning) led to individuals making numerous mistakes which resulted in not so positive outcomes such as unintended pregnancy, disease, and/or emotional harm. Add in individuals that were introduced to abusive sexual behaviors against their will and as might be expected, another huge dynamic of problems ensued surrounding the battle of understanding sexual integrity.

Past culture may have been timid, but current culture is no longer quiet or shy about this topic. Sex is everywhere! It can be found in books, music, movies, video games, the advertising industry, and the social media on which everyone’s eyes are glued. If a young person (or old person for that matter) has a phone, iPad, or laptop they will be exposed to the issues of sexual integrity even if they are not intentionally searching. If a young person does not have a phone, iPad, or laptop they will be exposed to issues of sexual integrity from friends. The greatest travesty? These problems could be prevented. The dilemma goes back to the original question, “How does one become combat ready and equipped to become a victor in this battle?”

The answer is simple, Sexual Risk Avoidance Education.

AIM (Acknowledging Integrity Matters) is a Sexual Risk Avoidance (SRA) program designed to flip the switch on this subject and get parents, teachers, church members, and young people comfortable talking and learning about sex and the sexual integrity principles that desperately need to be instilled in all people. The current culture has twisted and distorted sex into something that was never intended. Humans were designed as sexual beings from the beginning. Even on a microscopic level our cells testify to the beautiful design of sex and intimacy.

The original design for sex was perfect and beautiful but only within the limitations of marriage between a husband and wife. When sex moved outside the boundary of marriage, it turned into something it was never meant to be. Ultimately, the Creator of the Universe designed this relationship to mirror Christ’s love for His church and the beautiful intimacy that was created by Him.

If you have a young person in your life, introduce them to this beautiful intimacy in a healthy manner that addresses sexual integrity from a holistic perspective. Empower them to walk into the battle equipped and as Jones wrote, help them to understand “what to do with it.” Give them the tools to make healthy decisions and aim them in the direction of being victors in the battle. If you would like more information about AIM, to schedule a speaking presentation, or to schedule a coaching session contact me at teri@stillwaterslife.com.

Looking for a Christmas gift for a parent in your life? Check out the list of parenting books here. Need a family gift or a non-electronic game for your children? See this list of games I recommend.

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