Aynoit Ashor's Blog, page 4
November 30, 2011
A message
I was wallowing in self doubt and pity after receiving a one star review from a very popular blog. I decided to take a short walk to my mailbox to get some fresh air and clear my mind. As I walked to the mailbox I began to wonder if I was making the right decision with my story lines. It seems like some people love my stories but others just hate them. Nothing in between.
After reaching the mailbox and opening it with my key and finding the normal junk mail I discovered my weekly Newsweek. Walking home I began to flip through it's pages to find stories I would be interested in reading.
After looking through the magazine I found Tyler Perry's Open Letter to the "alleged" (and I hate to say "alleged") eleven year old victim of Jerry Sandusky. Newsweek- Article/Letter
Tyler's letter was the message I needed. It reminded me why I write stories like I Wish I Would've and Sixty-7. They are written to help survivors like me. I can't let what others say get me down. I am human and I know my skin must thicken up if I want to be an author. I guess I get frustrated because I really want to help people. But then I remember something I always have to remind myself, "Everything is not for everybody."
Not many have the courage to write about domestic abuse, molestation, sex trafficking, drug abuse, etc. But I will continue to do so, to give the survivors a voice.
After reaching the mailbox and opening it with my key and finding the normal junk mail I discovered my weekly Newsweek. Walking home I began to flip through it's pages to find stories I would be interested in reading.
After looking through the magazine I found Tyler Perry's Open Letter to the "alleged" (and I hate to say "alleged") eleven year old victim of Jerry Sandusky. Newsweek- Article/Letter
Tyler's letter was the message I needed. It reminded me why I write stories like I Wish I Would've and Sixty-7. They are written to help survivors like me. I can't let what others say get me down. I am human and I know my skin must thicken up if I want to be an author. I guess I get frustrated because I really want to help people. But then I remember something I always have to remind myself, "Everything is not for everybody."
Not many have the courage to write about domestic abuse, molestation, sex trafficking, drug abuse, etc. But I will continue to do so, to give the survivors a voice.
November 28, 2011
November 14, 2011
A Bittersweet Return... Part II
I've had a few days to let the thoughts of my return to Freedom Place marinate.
Freedom Place is a special place to me. It was a place for healing and refuge not only for me but my children as well. While living there I didn't understand the transformation I was undergoing but now I see it. While talking to ladies who now live at Freedom Place I saw myself and how far I had come. I remember being lost and confused and sad and angry.
I opened my discussion by telling the ladies that I understood they didn't want to be at group. While I lived in Freedom Place, I wanted to come "home" at the end of the day and rest, not go to group. Though I didn't want to be at group looking back I see it was important to my healing process. It was a time to get my feelings out and listen to (and help) the other ladies in residence. My opening statement showed them I knew how they felt and I've been there. The icy faces of those who didn't want to be in group began to thaw.
I told a short version of my story (because everyone there has a story similar to mine). I shared with the ladies how I used my time at Freedom Place to learn myself and what I like to do. It was there I learned how to be dependent on myself. I don't know if I knew that's what I was doing at the time, but I know now. (Isn't it amazing how you go through things in your life and while you are going through them you don't know why? Then you look back some years later and it's all crystal clear!)
I spoke about my books and speaking engagements, all the while remembering how lost I was while living in Freedom Place. Being in a shelter is hard. If you have children you feel like you let them down. I hope I gave the ladies encouragement when I shared some words from my daughter. During my most recent talk in Petersburg she told the ladies there she remembered her time in the shelter as a fun time with lots of friends. I wanted the ladies of Freedom Place to hear her words to let them know even though they may not be happy where they (currently) are, their children are happy.
By the end of the conversation the ladies had opened up. They were laughing and smiling and were totally relaxed. Empowerment was my focus. I hope I gave the ladies some tools to keep pushing forward to follow their dreams.
As I told the ladies, God put my through everything I've been through for a reason. I would be a fool not to share my experiences to help others. I can not be embarrassed about what I went through because it wasn't my fault.
(P.S. A few ladies read Sixty-7 and loved it. They had questions and told me what they wanted to read in the next book.)
Freedom Place is a special place to me. It was a place for healing and refuge not only for me but my children as well. While living there I didn't understand the transformation I was undergoing but now I see it. While talking to ladies who now live at Freedom Place I saw myself and how far I had come. I remember being lost and confused and sad and angry.
I opened my discussion by telling the ladies that I understood they didn't want to be at group. While I lived in Freedom Place, I wanted to come "home" at the end of the day and rest, not go to group. Though I didn't want to be at group looking back I see it was important to my healing process. It was a time to get my feelings out and listen to (and help) the other ladies in residence. My opening statement showed them I knew how they felt and I've been there. The icy faces of those who didn't want to be in group began to thaw.
I told a short version of my story (because everyone there has a story similar to mine). I shared with the ladies how I used my time at Freedom Place to learn myself and what I like to do. It was there I learned how to be dependent on myself. I don't know if I knew that's what I was doing at the time, but I know now. (Isn't it amazing how you go through things in your life and while you are going through them you don't know why? Then you look back some years later and it's all crystal clear!)
I spoke about my books and speaking engagements, all the while remembering how lost I was while living in Freedom Place. Being in a shelter is hard. If you have children you feel like you let them down. I hope I gave the ladies encouragement when I shared some words from my daughter. During my most recent talk in Petersburg she told the ladies there she remembered her time in the shelter as a fun time with lots of friends. I wanted the ladies of Freedom Place to hear her words to let them know even though they may not be happy where they (currently) are, their children are happy.
By the end of the conversation the ladies had opened up. They were laughing and smiling and were totally relaxed. Empowerment was my focus. I hope I gave the ladies some tools to keep pushing forward to follow their dreams.
As I told the ladies, God put my through everything I've been through for a reason. I would be a fool not to share my experiences to help others. I can not be embarrassed about what I went through because it wasn't my fault.
(P.S. A few ladies read Sixty-7 and loved it. They had questions and told me what they wanted to read in the next book.)
November 10, 2011
A Bittersweet Return
Book CoverI'll board a train this morning and head to DC. This is exciting. I'll be heading to a domestic violence transitional home- an apartment building with about 13 apartments. Today I will talk to the ladies in residence about my book Sixty-7 as well as my stay and departure from the place where they now live. Bittersweet.
I'm happy to go speak to the ladies, share my story and how I managed while living there. I'm afraid the sadness and guilt I felt while living there will return. Why did I feel sad and guilty? Because of my children. They really didn't know any better. They thought we lived in an apartment and were friends with everyone in the building. The staff were our friends, the other kids were our friends, so were the other mothers. But I did feel sadness for "putting" my children through "it". The guilt I harbored was for the same reason.
So, today I'll return. I'll go back and remember the good and bad times living in apartment 202. The times I cried, the times I was frustrated, the times I was confused. I hope the feelings don't overwhelm me and turn me into a big messy ball of tears. (I don't really think that will happen.)
My return will actually symbolize growth and healing. That's a good thing. I was there for a reason. I became a better woman while living there. I was able to take care of my children in a happy, healthy environment. I had supportive people who pushed me at the right times. I got to learn myself, which I think is extremely important. If one does not know him/herself, they will never know what will truly make him/her happy.
Today I am happy and Blessed.
November 9, 2011
Dating Abuse at Liberty High
I'm back from my trip to the Lehigh Valley and I had a great time. While there I saw family, went to the Liberty High vs Freedom High game (we lost for the first time in 10 years, boo!), ate at Jimmy's Hot Dog Stand and spoke to 300 students at Liberty High School about dating abuse!
(Main Entrance of Liberty High School.)
Speaking to the students of my Alma Mater was bitter sweet. It was great to go back and talk but my high school years were tough. I shared the "PG-13" rated version of 'my story" with the students. I told them I witnessed dating abuse in my home, experienced homelessness as a teen and was in an abusive marriage.
My observation was the boys seemed to have more questions than the girls. I wonder if the boys realized their actions, or the actions of their girlfriends, are not "right". One thing I said to them throughout the presentation was "You don't know unless someone tells you". I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until I read a pamphlet that opened my eyes.
The presentations started with a game to show the students their individuality and then moved into their definition of dating abuse. Next we discussed the different types of abuse and I gave examples of each. The students had the opportunity to represent the "target", "perpetrator" and "bystander" with a few games we played.
(Students intently listening to the definition of dating abuse.)
After talking about abuse we moved into healthy relationships. My school of thought is, if you tell a person what they are doing "wrong" you need to give them a "right" way to do it. We spoke about telling our boy/girlfriends how we feel by using "I feel" statements.
(Using "I feel" statements with a student.)
I'm happy I was able to impact the students in some way. Some were interested, some weren't. I do know I touched a few. I saw boys and girls who were very interested, students who cried, students taking notes and some couldn't care less. (I know, I can't reach everyone.)
One girl intimated during a break that she had been in an abusive relationship. She's a mother of twins after being gang raped by her abuser and seven other boys. I had to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes while listening to her story. (She is seeing the school psychiatrist.) Her story makes me wonder how many other students had been through something similar.
I was invited to come back in the Spring to talk to the next group of students. I can't wait. My presentation will be bigger and better by then.
My time in Pennsylvania was awesome but my travels for the week are not done. Tomorrow..... Freedom Place Transitional Facility, Washington, DC.
(Main Entrance of Liberty High School.)Speaking to the students of my Alma Mater was bitter sweet. It was great to go back and talk but my high school years were tough. I shared the "PG-13" rated version of 'my story" with the students. I told them I witnessed dating abuse in my home, experienced homelessness as a teen and was in an abusive marriage.
My observation was the boys seemed to have more questions than the girls. I wonder if the boys realized their actions, or the actions of their girlfriends, are not "right". One thing I said to them throughout the presentation was "You don't know unless someone tells you". I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until I read a pamphlet that opened my eyes.
The presentations started with a game to show the students their individuality and then moved into their definition of dating abuse. Next we discussed the different types of abuse and I gave examples of each. The students had the opportunity to represent the "target", "perpetrator" and "bystander" with a few games we played.
(Students intently listening to the definition of dating abuse.)
After talking about abuse we moved into healthy relationships. My school of thought is, if you tell a person what they are doing "wrong" you need to give them a "right" way to do it. We spoke about telling our boy/girlfriends how we feel by using "I feel" statements.
(Using "I feel" statements with a student.)I'm happy I was able to impact the students in some way. Some were interested, some weren't. I do know I touched a few. I saw boys and girls who were very interested, students who cried, students taking notes and some couldn't care less. (I know, I can't reach everyone.)
One girl intimated during a break that she had been in an abusive relationship. She's a mother of twins after being gang raped by her abuser and seven other boys. I had to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes while listening to her story. (She is seeing the school psychiatrist.) Her story makes me wonder how many other students had been through something similar.
I was invited to come back in the Spring to talk to the next group of students. I can't wait. My presentation will be bigger and better by then.
My time in Pennsylvania was awesome but my travels for the week are not done. Tomorrow..... Freedom Place Transitional Facility, Washington, DC.
November 4, 2011
Prepare for Travel
Next week I will do what I've wanted to do my entire writing career... Business TRAVEL!
On Monday I will host teen dating abuse presentations at my Alma Mater, Liberty High School, Bethlehem, PA. I'm really excited about this. I will speak to approximately 300 students! I hope to reach a few. This is going to be a little different because I will use games to help the students understand dating abuse and how to get help if they need it.
On Thursday I will host an Empowerment Presentation with the ladies of Freedom Place in Washington, DC. Freedom Place is a domestic violence transitional home for women and children. This is the same place I lived with my children about 8 years ago. It's going to be bitter sweet going back. Maybe I'll get the chance to see my old apartment while at Freedom Place.
Two trips in one week. I think that's awesome. God continues to show me what He wants me to do for Him and I am thankful. Now I just have to finish packing for my PA trip.
On Monday I will host teen dating abuse presentations at my Alma Mater, Liberty High School, Bethlehem, PA. I'm really excited about this. I will speak to approximately 300 students! I hope to reach a few. This is going to be a little different because I will use games to help the students understand dating abuse and how to get help if they need it.
On Thursday I will host an Empowerment Presentation with the ladies of Freedom Place in Washington, DC. Freedom Place is a domestic violence transitional home for women and children. This is the same place I lived with my children about 8 years ago. It's going to be bitter sweet going back. Maybe I'll get the chance to see my old apartment while at Freedom Place.
Two trips in one week. I think that's awesome. God continues to show me what He wants me to do for Him and I am thankful. Now I just have to finish packing for my PA trip.
October 26, 2011
I really want to go....
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my fellowship and residency applications. I REALLY feel like I am going to be afforded the wonderful opportunity to go away and write.
I would love to go to any of the locations I applied to but I would be ecstatic if I was accepted to Hedgebrook. Something about the possibility of being in my own cottage for two or more weeks in the woods with other ladies (who also write) makes me feel.... feel.... I don't know what word to put here. Happy is not the word. I guess the word I am looking for is grateful.
I can imagine myself waking up next to the wood stove and rekindling it for the day. Sitting in the window seat watching the wind blow through the trees or the rain hit the ground. Eating vegetable straight from the garden. Enjoying the conversation of those around me. (During this time I will work on a novel. Moving away from my usual book style.)
Will I be accepted? I pray I am. Whatever the answer I know it's God's Will.
I would love to go to any of the locations I applied to but I would be ecstatic if I was accepted to Hedgebrook. Something about the possibility of being in my own cottage for two or more weeks in the woods with other ladies (who also write) makes me feel.... feel.... I don't know what word to put here. Happy is not the word. I guess the word I am looking for is grateful.
I can imagine myself waking up next to the wood stove and rekindling it for the day. Sitting in the window seat watching the wind blow through the trees or the rain hit the ground. Eating vegetable straight from the garden. Enjoying the conversation of those around me. (During this time I will work on a novel. Moving away from my usual book style.)
Will I be accepted? I pray I am. Whatever the answer I know it's God's Will.
October 25, 2011
Lesson Plan?
In two more Mondays I will be presenting my teen dating violence workshops at Liberty High School in Bethlehem PA. Am I excited? Yes. I was a little worried that I would not have the money to pull it off but I am very creative so I have figured out some different things I can do to make it memorable and entertaining (almost) free.
Last night and this morning I took sometime to work on my "lesson plan". I found books at the library on dating violence. Now I just need to weave what I have read into my presentation. After I figure that out I will decide on what games I would like to play. (The games will tie the lessons to real life actions and thoughts.) After I put that all together I must make a PowerPoint. So I have a lot of work ahead but I welcome it.
This is my mission and I present it to our youth.
Last night and this morning I took sometime to work on my "lesson plan". I found books at the library on dating violence. Now I just need to weave what I have read into my presentation. After I figure that out I will decide on what games I would like to play. (The games will tie the lessons to real life actions and thoughts.) After I put that all together I must make a PowerPoint. So I have a lot of work ahead but I welcome it.
This is my mission and I present it to our youth.
October 18, 2011
Did we reach one?
I've had a few days to digest this past Saturday's presentation. Some of the immediate feedback I received from the attendees was encouraging. One actually gave me a handwritten note that said, "Thank You". Another told me she is still unable to "get past" the molestation she received from her uncle as a child. A few thanked my 15 year old daughter for speaking about the positive feelings she has for me. All of this immediate positive feedback still made me wonder, "did we reach one?"
To me there's a difference between telling the ladies my story and having them relate- because they've been there too- and helping someone who is currently in an abusive relationship. I wanted to know if we reached someone who's "going through it". I got the answer to my question yesterday.
The event's organizer posted a message on my Facebook wall stating she wanted to speak to me. A few hours later we reached each other after a few rounds of phone tag. The organizer asked if I remembered one particular attendee. I did. This attendee sat directly in front of me with a hood on her head the entire time. It was like she was hiding. Her raffle ticket number was drawn for a door prize but she didn't want to rise to receive her gift. Yes, I remembered her. I thought she was sleepy but I never thought she was uninterested.
On Sunday the organizer went to work and held her usual group with the ladies of the shelter. Afterwards, the previously mentioned attendee spoke to the organizer alone. It was relayed to me that the attendee wanted to walk out of my presentation because she was frustrated. She didn't want to hear what I had to say because she did not want to believe she's currently in a domestically violent relationship. My talk opened her eyes. After speaking to the organizer the attendee stated she was going to contact her mother, who lives in another state, for money. The attendee plans to use that money to go and stay with her mother.
Hearing this story gave me joy. I can believe I was the one who got this woman to realize her relationship is unhealthy but it wasn't me. It was God. He uses me to help others. I pray she continues to have the strength to move forward with her decision to flee.
To me there's a difference between telling the ladies my story and having them relate- because they've been there too- and helping someone who is currently in an abusive relationship. I wanted to know if we reached someone who's "going through it". I got the answer to my question yesterday.
The event's organizer posted a message on my Facebook wall stating she wanted to speak to me. A few hours later we reached each other after a few rounds of phone tag. The organizer asked if I remembered one particular attendee. I did. This attendee sat directly in front of me with a hood on her head the entire time. It was like she was hiding. Her raffle ticket number was drawn for a door prize but she didn't want to rise to receive her gift. Yes, I remembered her. I thought she was sleepy but I never thought she was uninterested.
On Sunday the organizer went to work and held her usual group with the ladies of the shelter. Afterwards, the previously mentioned attendee spoke to the organizer alone. It was relayed to me that the attendee wanted to walk out of my presentation because she was frustrated. She didn't want to hear what I had to say because she did not want to believe she's currently in a domestically violent relationship. My talk opened her eyes. After speaking to the organizer the attendee stated she was going to contact her mother, who lives in another state, for money. The attendee plans to use that money to go and stay with her mother.
Hearing this story gave me joy. I can believe I was the one who got this woman to realize her relationship is unhealthy but it wasn't me. It was God. He uses me to help others. I pray she continues to have the strength to move forward with her decision to flee.
October 11, 2011
My English is different than your English.
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"Sixty-7" was downloaded more than 4,000 times since being free. The problem? This means those who are NOT in my target market downloaded just because it's free. They would not have done so otherwise.
Since "Sixty-7" free I began to get not-so-good reviews regarding spelling and syntax errors. Seeing these reviews confused me until I received an email from fellow author Alex Canton. In the email he reminded me to stay true to the characters and to consider who is reviewing the book. This email reminded me of a few reviews I had received from readers in the United Kingdom and Australia for "I Wish I Would've". These reviewers stated I had spelling errors because in their Country words are spelled differently (ie: favor vs. favour).
Alex's email also reminded me that I must keep my characters genuine. In "Sixty-7" the main character is a young, Black American male who lives in Newark, New Jersey in the early 1980s. The main character gave his mom's boyfriend the nickname "Dude". So through out the book that's the boyfriend's name. It's not uncommon for Black Americans to give people nicknames. My bestfriend's nickname is Peanut. I have a close family member whose nickname is Pal and another we call Lady.
"Sixty-7" has references to Run DMC (pioneers in hip-hop/rap music) and "hood" terms (Ebonics). There are also characters in "Sixty-7" who are from my hometown in Pennsylvania. I grew up saying "yous" not "you all" or "y'all". Yup, that's incorrect grammar but it's what we say. We also say "cheese steaks" not "steak and cheese" and "hoagies" not "subs". What terms do you use that are regional?
I guess my point is to be open minded while reading books and consider the main character's point-of-view and not your own. Books are written for the reader to get in the heads of those characters. You may not agree with the characters thoughts or verbiage and as the reader you don't have to agree. Which brings me to a book receiving so much flack, "The Kid" by Sapphire. One may not agree with Abdul's thoughts and actions but they are who he is like them or not.
(Alex posted on his blog about reviews and beta readers. Read that post here.)
