Rachel Hamilton's Blog, page 6

Embracing My Womanhood.

Growing up I wasn’t a girly girl.

I loved my dolls but wasn’t that girl who dreamed to a princess, never dreamed of a fancy wedding.

I was the girl that dreamed to be a firefighter, ��an army medic.

I was always different.

As I become a teenager the less I wanted to accept my feminine side. I saw it as weakness, girls are seen as weak, vulnerable.

So the self-hate cut away at my heart.

I had a twisted belief that��God had created me second best, that men were the only ones God could use.

Why I felt this way I have not idea, I didn’t want to be a man but I didn’t want to be weak and emotional the way I felt women were viewed.

I had no idea that God created me as a woman to use me in a unique special way.

God broke me down so I had to face my weakness as a women, I had to accept that God gives women��different strengths to men.

I learnt that my feminine��side is something to value and treasure.

So I began to embrace myself, loving that God made me a woman.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Laying It All Down.

What if we had to give up our freedom to let God��change��our lives.

What if we had to give up hope for Christ to bring healing in our lives.

What if we had to lay down our dreams for God to use us?

Would we do it?

What if God asked us to die to self so he could bring restoration.

Sometimes we must lose to gain, die to live.

Surrender everything so God can move.

Not My Plan.

I was never meant to be here.

This is not my plan.

I want so much more in life than this.

But I see the light breaking through the darkness.

I see the dawn of hope rising.

This was not my plan, but it’s yours.

The way you lead me, twists and turns, I stumble but never quite fall.

So I rest in your promises, trust in your directions, learning this is where I was always meant to be.

Held in your hands, guided by your love, obedient to your will and way.

To anyone who feels the guilt of their past sins.

You don’t even know I notice you. You probably don’t even think of me but I see you.

Making a difference in this world.

I love how you learn from your mistakes and grow through all the pain life brings.

It inspires me that even though you stumbled and sinned, you are making things right with God’s help.

Letting God’s forgiveness and grace bloom from your failings.

You are so so beautiful, with all your scars.

So beautiful, so chosen, so loved.

So useful to a God who makes beauty from our ashes.

Thanks for inspiring me.

My Hope.

The crystal clear water of your love washes over me.

The sunshine of your peace warms me.

The beauty of your forgiveness invites me to dance.

Surrounded by your majesty, I spread my wings fly.

Who am I that you remember me.

Who am I that you would plan great things for me,

I deserve none of this but yet you see and hold me.

You have given me a hope, a light that will never grow dim.

Restored.

I was so overwhelmed.

Weighted down by the lies said behind my back.

Broken by the accusations.

So alone.

But through the darkness you came.

Calling me to stand with courage and speak.

To not be the victim.

So I stood with shaking hands. With tear-filled eyes.

I spook in almost a whisper.

Heaven came down. You moved mountains.

The strongholds crashed.

You brought me to a place of greatness, respect, you gave me a crown of joy.

You have never been more real to me than right now.

You are not longer just a voice inside my head.

You stood up for me when no one else would.

You gave me the strength to stand for what’s right.

I praise you.

You forever have my heart.

Acceptance Not Defeat.

It’s taken me a year and a half to accept my illness.

Accept my daily pain.

Accept that I may struggle with my health for the rest of my life.

People tell me its defeat. That if my faith was stronger I would not be sick.

That God does not want me to be sick.

God doesn’t have any part in sickness, that sickness is from the devil.

Truth is that I see God hand in every area of my pain.

God did not have his head turned when my illness was formed.

He knew my body would start attacking it’s self.

He knows what “autoimmune disease” “chronic pain” means.

He is not deaf to my cries.

Acceptance is not defeat.

Accepting my long term pain doesn’t mean I don’t believe God can heal me.

It doesn’t mean I have lost hope or that I am drowning in self pity.

It means I am learning to walk in the freedom that I have been called by God to carry this burden, walk this path.

It means understanding that doctors appointments, daily pain, frequent blood tests, late night tears and countless prescriptions, are my new normal and that I am still able to smile and rejoice in God’s goodness.

It means embracing life.

*This post is not to complain or say how hard my life is.  I have a wonderful amazing life just wanted share that acceptance is not always defeat. 

I Lost My Freedom.

I lost my freedom when I gave my heart to Christ.

I know it sounds unscriptural, let me explain.

No longer do I have the right to choose my own future.

I can not do whatever I want.

I have surrendered my control.

God’s will is my marker, my destiny.

I liked a boy, asked God “Can I have him” God said no.

I saw my dream job. Yes?

Lovingly I heard no.

“Can I just leave home, catch up with my peers, be a somebody whose going places. pleeeeeeeease.”

“Hand me your pride and ego my child” was answer.

Then came the command “Give me your health, your strength,  give me your independence, let me break you so I can remake you.”

“No, God please anything but that. I don’t want to be remade, that sounds horrible. I don’t want the pain, the shame.”

“Child, I gave you my life, you must give me yours. But trust me, I am making beautiful things out of you.

Slowly I am learning as I loss my freedom, I find Christ’s.

Working through my Pain.��

Once again I am reminded of my physical limitations.

Here I am on my knees, the pain present��to remind me that I am not strong enough to walk this road alone.

How deep my need for a Savour is.

God has called me to give of my time and energy to obey his ever call.

Sometimes that means letting the tears fall down my face as he restores my soul, mind and body.

Other times it means I must wake up early and follow my todo list of working, writing and ministry to fight through the physical pain and be obedient.

I have been called for such a time as this. Asked to handle what God believes I am capable of.

Sometimes the smile is not there and the resentment lies just below the��surface.

Sometimes I stand knee deep in self pity.

But God never lets go.

Gently guiding and leading me to the plans he has for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working through my Pain.

Once again I am reminded of my physical limitations.

Here I am on my knees, the pain present to remind me that I am not strong enough to walk this road alone.

How deep my need for a Savour is.

God has called me to give of my time and energy to obey his ever call.

Sometimes that means letting the tears fall down my face as he restores my soul, mind and body.

Other times it means I must wake up early and follow my todo list of working, writing and ministry to fight through the physical pain and be obedient.

I have been called for such a time as this. Asked to handle what God believes I am capable of.

Sometimes the smile is not there and the resentment lies just below the surface.

Sometimes I stand knee deep in self pity.

But God never lets go.

Gently guiding and leading me to the plans he has for me.