Rachel Hamilton's Blog, page 4

Depression..

I suffer with depression.

For so long I lied to myself that I didn’t but the reality is I do.

I have nights where I lie in bed and feel untterly hopeless and empty and that my life is all for nothing.

I don’t tell anyone, terrified they’ll judge me, tell me again that I have no reason to feel this way. I come from a good loving family, people have it much worse than me.

I’m deeply ashamed that I feel theses feelings.

So I keep quiet, locking the box of emotions up, only opening it in the safety of my dark room, letting the silent tears flow.

People tell me in a Christians life there is no room for depression because God fills us, but no matter how much I beg God to overflow in me I still feel the ache.

The truth is depression is one of the most challenging emotions we ever feel.

I have found freedom in accepting the fact I struggle with depression and understanding why I sometimes feel this way.

Through depression God has taught me to run to his arms first, he is the only one who reaches me in the deep valleys, Jesus knows the pain, he cried tears of blood, he knows the reasons  why I ache even when I don’t.

Dear friend,

If you struggle with secret depression, please know I understand and care, you are so brave and strong, you are not messed up or crazy. God holds you and collects your tears every one of them. If you ever need prayer, a friend or just a listening ear email me anytime at rachysblogs@gmail.com

Your feelings matter.

You matter.

In This Stillness.

I am so empty.

Have you let me run dry so I see I am nothing without you, my God?

Does this desert land teach me to lay down my plans, desires, hopes and dreams for your inspection?

I feel the loneliness acutely, the sleepless nights force me to face my imperfections and failures and shattered plans.

My broken dreams are not ungodly, they consist of worthy pursuits, reaching the lost, healing the hurting, touching the world for you.

But you have asked me to stay.

How do I accept this place you’ve called me to be.

Give me a sign, let me know you’re proud of me.

Teach me to surrender everything at your feet.

Help me find fulfilment right here, right now.

In this lonely place, reveal your heart, I want to be like you.

 

 

 

Dear Brave Lonely One.

I see you.

How amazing you are,

but somewhere along the way someone told you a lie and you believed it.

You were told that you lacked worth and value, you were handed a poisoned apple of self-hate and you ate it core and all.

I feel your pain like it was my own, see the thin mask you wear trying to act so strong but alone in a dark room, crying yourself to sleep.

How I wish I could reach you, wash your fragile heart with the truth.

The truth that you are valued, amazing, wonderful, important.

Set apart, seen, loved, cherished.

I pray for you, believing one day you will know your true worth.

 

 

 

 

 

When God Say Stay.

There is something so glorious and inspiring when people talk about the moment God called them to step out in faith and go.

But what about the times, God says stay.

I’m hesitant to post on this subject.

Why? I don’t know.

No one really talks about it.

It’s so frustrating to have so much passion and fire to go to the mission field and to hear God say “It’s not your time”

I’m that kind of person that can’t sit still, I like to be on the go.

I have lost count how many times people say to me “Calm down Rachel, settle down, chill out”

Maybe this is the reason God often answers my prayers  with the dreadful word “wait.”

God wants me to be still and hear his voice, so he brings me to a quiet lonely place where I have no choice but to turn my eyes and ears to him.

I am so confused about my future, worried I am going to lose my passion, but I hold onto the hope that in this moment all I need to do is rest and listen.

1 Samuel 3:10
The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

 

 

 

Breaking my Heart for What Yours.

Jesus here I am once again it’s the middle of the night and I can’t feel you holding me. I’m still trying to process the things I’ve seen. 

When I said “Break my heart for what breaks yours” I didn’t know it’s cost would be so great. Why must I feel the ache so deeply.

 You gave me a gift of seeing things beyond the surface but it hurts.

It fatigues me to see the heartbreak, the secret lonely pain.

Jesus, take this priceless sight and use me. I want to live my life with a purpose, I want to make every day count, so why must I wait in theses silences for so long before you move me.

I hear your gentle whisper 

“Rest and sit at my feet dear child.” 

“Listen to my voice. Train your ear to my call so when I say go you will be ready to go.” 

“The best yet to come.”

So I slowly drift off to sleep, resting in the knowledge that you have a beautiful plan for me and that you treasure my feelings, passions, hopes and dreams. 

Human Trafficking

It was the night after I had arrived home from Thailand, 12am and the tears started flowing.

I am so broken from the things I have seen, looking into the face of the beautiful young girl who has seen more evil in her childhood than most people see in their whole lifetime.

I can’t imagine the rejection  and betrayal she must have felt to be sold to a brothel by her own parents.

How could I comprehend that the very same hotel we stayed in, had secret rooms where such evil could be done to a underage girl in secret.

Walking through a red light district trying not to cry as I hurried past hundreds of women trapped in unspeakable pain, helpless to do anything to set them free.

Evil was thick in the air and the chains of despair could almost be seen.

How painful it is to have your eyes open to the darkest of evil.

 

I can’t go back to who I was before, not after theses sights.

But more than that I have seen the joy, hope, light and restoration in eyes of the girls who have been rescued from hopelessness.

I have seen the power of a God who breaks every chain of shame and guilt and brings these brave girls into a place of true freedom.

I have to be part of the hope.

Only through Christ can such hope be born from such darkness.

These last two weeks I have meet real life heros, people who have given everything to fight the good fight, families, young married couples, single men and women who have left everything behind to create change.

I must do my part as well.

Will you?

For more information visit www.destinyrescue.org 

 

 

I Go.

Just over a week until I go on a mission trip and I’m terrified, more afraid than when I was 19 and I left for three months, traveling to three different countries, living on board a ship.

I’m only going for two weeks and yet this is one of the scariest things I have done.

Why, because I’m going to see things, I don’t want to see, things that I want to pretend don’t happen.

I’m going to see lives I can not reach, hearts I can not heal, evils I can not defeat.

I like my comfort zone, the big safe walls of apathy. A safe clean place where slavery is something I just read about.

I don’t want to see the broken abused and crushed. The faces of children who have been touched by more evil than I could even begin to imagine.

But I have to go.

I have to know.

I have to see, I must open my heart to be broken by what breaks God’s heart. Only then can I truly be used, only then can I become part of the hope.

 

I need to see the power of God’s healing and love, see how the lives of those rescued are restored and changed by a God who hears and makes new.

So I go..

Here I am God, break my heart for what breaks yours.

 

Unemployment.

What do you do when your world shakes? What do you do when normal changes? 

A month ago when I lost a job that I dearly loved. 

It shook my faith. 

I couldn’t understand why God closed the door to a place where I felt I was able to shine God’s light in a real way.

“Where do I go from here” I daily questioned.

I had all this free empty endless time, what was God asking me to do. 

Then I heard him, his instructions came so clearly.

“Use your time to invest into the lives of those you interact with, in your day to day life, on Facebook, on Twitter, through email.” 

This gift of free time will not last forever so make the most of it.

“Be faithful in this season, remember it wasn’t a punishment you lost your job but an opportunity from me.”

So I am learning and trying to obey his instructions, learning to reach out and touch as many lives as I can, in this beautiful mess called unemployment. 

To Those Who Share Their Struggles With Me.

 

You wonder why you cry easily.

You question why you feel things so deeply.

You wish you could be like the rest who seem to shake off the pain.

Depression is never far away.

You hate yourself.

Lovely friend, who you are is no mistake.

How deep you feel has a reason and purpose.

God created you perfectly just the way you are.

God is going to use you in truly amazing ways.

God is going to use you to reach people in ways that few people can.

Your kindness and empathy will bring healing to many.

You are here for a reason.

 

 

The Cost.

No one talks about the price. No one tells you how much religion costs.

As Christian’s we have become so scared that we will turn away people if we were truly honest about how painful being a believer is.

Or maybe we are afraid of those who we sit beside at church. Terrified if they truly knew our heart they would change seats because being a Christian means there is no room for depression, sorrow, pain, we should be so overflowing with Christ that there is no room for that.

We have become so afraid to post online about a book  God spoke to us through because someone will say “Joyce Meyers a false prophet, or Joel Osteen is evil, how can you call yourself a believer when you find comfort in those lies.”

We walk around chained down by shame, condemnation and  guilt, the restrictions of religion we proudly call ourselves members of.

 

Have we forgotten that Jesus died to bring us freedom?

Have we forgotten that God uses everything to bring him glory.

Jesus cried, he knew pain, rejection, sorrow, and tempation.

Jesus did not send his time with the proud religous but those broken and in need of him.

True Christianty is built on relationship, a place we show vulnerability and need of a savior. A place where we find freedom, hope, understanding and love.

I want no part in a religion that we walk around wearing masks of perfection, just obeying rules and trying to earn our way to heaven.

But I will give my life to a King who died so I could be forever in fellowship with him. Who walked into deep waters of pain, shame and rejection so I could find freedom.

For a relationship with Christ, no cost is too high.