Gary L. Thomas's Blog, page 21

Lessons From Quarterback

Sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in The Godfather, part III: “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

I’m not talking about the mob; I’m talking about Netflix. We had dropped it for various reasons, but signed up again a couple months ago just to watch their documentary on the Tour de France. I planned to cancel right away and then someone mentioned I might like the documentary Quarterback.

Kaboom.

I was back in.

I’m a sucker for good documentaries, and as a lifelong football fan, I became enthralled with such an intimate behind-the-scenes look at these players. It’s inspiring, to be sure. Even if you’re not a football fan or haven’t seen it (because, fair warning, while Patrick Mahomes has game, he also has a mouth), there are still some valuable life lessons to learn from the documentary.

In light of the fact that the NFL pre-season is already underway, and Notre Dame and Navy kick off the college football season tomorrow, let’s do one post that talks a little football.

Here are three lessons on marriage and family life that we can take away from Quarterback.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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The Power of a Rich Toward God Life, Part 2; Paul’s Journey from Pathetic to Prized

This is part two of a chapter on unlearning pomp and circumstance and learning instead the rich toward God life. You can read part one HERE.

The story of Paul appearing before Agrippa and Bernice is a prophetic warning for those who put pomp and circumstance (a fancy coat) over a vast estate (being rich toward God).

“The next day Agrippa and Bernice came with great pomp and entered the audience room with the high-ranking military officers and the prominent men of the city. At the command of Festus, Paul was brought in. Festus said: “King Agrippa, and all who are present with us, you see this man! The whole Jewish community has petitioned me about him in Jerusalem and here in Caesarea, shouting that he ought not to live any longer” (Acts 25:23-24).

Picture in your mind the illustrious and flamboyant Agrippa II and Bernice entering a great, ostentatious hall. Everyone is kissing up to them, flattering them, trying to get their attention and curry their favor. Many would like to be them. They stay in the best accommodations and eat the best food. They have servants and the power to kill men and women or set them free.

Bernice, by the way, was Agrippa II’s sister, not his wife.

But she lived with him.

Yes, there were rumors.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Staying Connected in Long-Distance Marriages

Whether your challenge is a military deployment, a lot of business travel, or perhaps an ailing parent in another state that needs your help, real-life for many married couples may involve spending some time apart. It’s vital that you don’t put your marriage on hold. In this video, Gary and Lisa share some of the wisdom offered by Baron and Cristina, a military couple, who have worked hard to stay connected even though they have spent two years’ worth of evenings apart. They also add some of the lessons they learned through Gary’s early travels when the kids were young and Lisa wasn’t with him. 

Watch this video over on Substack HERE.

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Learn the Rich Toward God Life: Unlearn the Allure of Pomp and Circumstance

The art of unlearning calls us away from the immediate allure of earthly pomp and circumstance and beckons us instead to relish the spiritual wealth of a life that is rich toward God. It is so difficult not to value the things that appeal to our senses over the things that appeal to our spirits. The world clearly believes and lives by the assumption that pomp and circumstance is more delicious than godliness and living in the favor of God.

But is it?

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Growing Together Where You Used to Fall Apart

One of the keys to growing a lifelong, more intimate marriage, is learning how to turn situations that used to tear you apart into delightful times of bonding. We’ve found that the best way to do that is simply to ask each other for help. I had been married to Lisa for thirty years, but I still had to ask her, “Okay, you tell me— how do I redirect you without offending you?” A wife may have to ask her husband, “How can I disagree with you or offer a contrary opinion without making you feel like I don’t respect you?”

Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.

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Sometimes You’ve Gotta Go with Your Gut

Be true to what God is leading you to do. Be bold to go in the direction he’s pointing you. Listen to others, certainly, and take earnest counsel, but in the end, you must follow what you believe to be God’s true path for your life.

Not doing so could be costly in more ways than one.

My first three books focused on spiritual formation. None of them sold even 15,000 copies during their first few years (though Sacred Pathways, my second book, has now gone on to sell well over 100,000 copies domestically, as well as being translated in several different languages internationally). The first book has now also passed 50,000 copies, in both of its incarnations (Seeking the Face of God became Thirsting for God).

My fourth book was also, in my mind, a spiritual formation book, but one that focused on marriage. As much as the spiritual disciplines can shape us, God used my marriage to shape me, so I decided to write about that. That book became Sacred Marriage. My agent at the time was a single woman who argued that the book should be about relationships, not marriage. We couldn’t get on the same page, so I went with another agent (an agent can’t market a book they’re not excited about). At the time, I’m sure my agent thought, “No big loss,” as my royalties couldn’t have purchased her much more than an occasional weekend away.

Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.

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Give Each Other Grace

I enjoyed the privilege of previewing  Brad and Marilyn Rhoads’ book “The Grace Marriage.” Brad and Marilyn came up with the brilliant idea of looking at every aspect of marriage through the lens of grace. This piercing and convicting truth may be challenging for some to hear, but it’s true to scripture, and the book contains the necessary caveats. I was convicted and challenged and now aspire to let grace dictate every aspect of my relationship with Lisa. Here’s an excerpt where Brad and Marilyn give concrete examples of what it looks like to let grace define your response to your spouse, especially when your spouse isn’t at his or her best…

When our daughter Madeline was eleven years old, she came to sleep in our bed one night because she was having trouble falling asleep. Around midnight, Marilyn felt she should begin praying for her. At 2:00 a.m., Madeline began shaking violently and then stopped breathing.

I awoke to Marilyn screaming. As I ran around the house in the dark, trying to find Madeline’s inhaler (and breaking our cordless phone and my toe in the process), I heard Marilyn cry that Madeline had gone limp. Sobbing, Marilyn held what we believed to be our dead daughter until paramedics arrived.

Madeline did revive, praise God, and we learned that she’d had a grand mal seizure. But doctors couldn’t tell us what was wrong with her, or why it had happened, or that it wouldn’t happen again. Furthermore, it would be a whole month until Madeline could get an appointment with a neurologist. One doctor tried to console us with, “It might never happen again, but just call 911 if it does.”

As you might imagine, that was not comforting. Every night, I (Marilyn) slept in Madeline’s room with her. I slept with my phone in hand, gripped with fear of her having another seizure. Each night as we got under the covers, my heart would start racing. I would pray out loud, with my heart pounding in my ears, pretending to be calm so our daughter wouldn’t be scared.

Added to the trauma of Madeline’s seizure, multiple doctor visits, and all the questions raised about her future were other burdens. We had a baby who still wasn’t sleeping through the night. Another child had just been diagnosed with severe ADD. And recently, we’d found out one of our kids needed to be gluten- and dairy-free, so I needed to completely overhaul the way I cooked. I remember a trip to the grocery store during all this. I had no idea where to start. I didn’t put anything in my cart. I walked every aisle and then went to the car and cried.

I cried a lot that year.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

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Unlearning Family First, Part 2

The Challenging Way Jesus Talked About Family

This is the second post from a chapter in progress from the book The Art of Unlearning. We started last week looking at unlearning family first, and learning instead the primacy of Father God. It’s possible and ruinous to make earthly families idols. Ironically, the best way to love our families is to get our spiritual priorities in order. Particularly for this chapter, I think it’s crucial to read it in context, so you can read part one first HERE if you haven’t read it already.

Holy Hatred

Jesus had a lot of work to do when he unleashed—in a Jewish culture no less—the thought that a family’s favor can’t even be compared to the importance of God’s favor. This “act of unlearning” was as radical and subversive then as it is today. “Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ‘If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple’” (Luke 14:25-27).

The Greek word for “hate” here (miseo) is typical Semitic hyperbole. Jesus is not telling us to hate our family members as people think of hating their enemies—a passionate desire to harm them. When enemies of our faith try to insist that Jesus is teaching hate here because the Greek word miseo really does mean hate, remember that Jesus spoke Aramaic, not Greek. Miseo is what Luke chose to use to translate whatever Jesus actually said in Aramaic into the Greek language. Also keep in mind that when Jesus urges us to have the same miseo toward our own lives he is also making it as clear as possible that he never means do ourselves or our family intentional harm or even to bear them ill will. That’s not the kind of “hate” Jesus is talking about.

On the other hand, saying miseo means no more than “love them less than we love God” probably isn’t strong enough either. There’s a reason Luke chose this word. He didn’t want to dampen the seriousness or the shock of what Jesus was saying. “Unlearning” here wouldn’t happen with a soft or polite word; the new world and life Jesus is calling us to here required something bold, strong, and even shocking.

Thus, miseo.

God’s kingdom, work, relationship, and favor must become so important to us, so enthralling, and so primary that nothing else is even a consideration in comparison. That’s what we must learn. Far from making us less loving toward our family, putting God first enables us to truly love our families—faithfully and sacrificially.

Continue reading HERE.

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Anatomy of an Affair

“For people of faith, affairs are usually entered into gradually. It’s hard for me to imagine someone truly walking with the Lord collapsing into a sudden one-night stand. I know that happens–i’ve heard such confessions–but far more often for believers, we live with an unexpressed need, become weak and vulnerable, and then open the door to many mini-steps that can take us a long way in the wrong direction. David and Terri lived through this, and suggest that one helpful barometer of the current state of your marriage is by considering the way (not how often) you kiss. It’s just one piece of the puzzle, but I think it’s a vital one.”

Read this blog HERE.

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Unlearning Family First, Part 1

Learning the Primacy of Father God

“I am a foreigner to my own family, a stranger to my own mother’s children; for zeal for your house consumes me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.”

Psalm 69:8-9

Nobody warned us what was coming. In fact, often we were promised the opposite. What we often heard was that being good pious Christians and hyper-involved parents would create a good pious family, all of whom would follow the Lord and raise grandchildren who would do the same. I can’t count the number of times in the 80s and 90s I heard or read someone mention Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards, whose faith and life spawned many impressive descendants including fourteen college presidents, over a hundred ministers, another hundred college professors, and so on. I wasn’t told that Jonathan Edwards owned slaves. The implication was rather that if we were faithful in serving God, all our descendants would be as well. The slavery issue has seriously challenged that interpretation (blowing the “example” part to bits, and perhaps putting him in the category of a King David instead of a Samuel), and real life has seriously challenged the promise.    

It wasn’t until I became an empty nester and friends with other empty nesters, that I began hearing other stories and perspectives. One earnest father with a broken heart told me, “Gary, I can’t think of hardly any Christian family with adult kids whose hearts haven’t been seared by their children’s lifestyle or rejection of faith.”

When a woman working for a major national ministry shared with me her grief over the pain of a recent son’s decision, I shared the quote above to encourage her. She paused and said, “Actually, none of my three boys are following the Lord.”

A counselor told me of “the godliest couple” he’s ever known, the kind of people who bring the presence of Jesus with them into every room. They were beloved at their church. God used them to heal many marriages and offer counsel to many young people who sought them out. “Their faith was so genuine and powerful and inviting,” the counselor told me. “It was amazing.” Yet when the mother died, an entire year went by before the estranged son even knew it. He was that estranged. An entire church mourned his mother’s passing. For him, his mother’s funeral was just like any other day ending with “y.” His absence in the church was stunning and painful and shocking.

Learning the primacy of “Father God”—our first, primary and most important “family” relationship—leads to a life that is stable and secure, in that our acceptance in Christ is certain and can’t be lost. Putting your sense of well-being and happiness in the hands of fallen people—even people who share your bloodline—is precarious, risky and hazardous to your peace. It’s like fool’s gold which sparkles from a distance, but up close its lack of eternal value will eventually become clear. We have to unlearn the desperation we feel for earthly families to fulfill us, and learn instead how to be fulfilled in the spiritual family to which God adopts us.

Continue reading over on Substack HERE.

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