Hal Young's Blog, page 12

Surviving the Breaks with Your College Students

Friends often ask us something like this, “Why can’t I get along with my adult kids when they come home from college? They are really great people, but it seems like when they are here on break they become rude, sassy, lazy boogers. Help!”

We get it. Just a couple of months ago during the last break, Melanie remembers, “I was about to lose it as our adult kids laid around while the dishes got higher and higher and the house got more and more wrecked. I had to remind myself that they are thinking, ‘I’m on vacation. It’s so nice to just relax.’ Meanwhile, it’s like I invited the Mongol hordes to take over my home for a few weeks! I had a talk with myself, bit my tongue and kindly insisted that they get up and help.”

It isn’t easy, is it?

Living together in the in-between years of college are really hard on the parent/ adult child relationship. We’ve had some conflict now and then with each of our kids during college holidays even though we really have a great relationship with our adult children. There are a few reasons this seems to happen.

Our students get used to living out their own agenda. At school, they get to decide when they sleep, when they eat, what they do all day, every day. They don’t ever have to consult anyone but their roommate, if that, and the roomie is probably as random and self-focused as they are. When they come home, they may have forgotten what it’s like to be surrounded by family and have parents around again. The noise and chaos may drive them crazy. They forget the cafeteria lady doesn’t clean up here. They may seem self-centered and impatient with normal family life. And they may keep the most inconvenient hours.

On the other hand, parents sometimes struggle with treating their students like adults.  This is really hard for the parent who hasn’t been intentionally working toward an adult relationship with their kids, but it’s tough in any circumstance when you have several adults in the home!  It’s easy for parents to ask themselves, “Who do they think they are?” and neglect to remember they are dealing with a grown-up, not a child any more. Also, the intermittent nature of visits means about the time you discover a way to live in peace again, it’s time for them to head back to school.

How can you get through this with your relationship intact? Sometimes, it isn’t easy!

It may be helpful to talk about the coming “reunion” with your student. Disagreements usually start with disappointed expectations. If you both expect to need a little adjustment time to “re-integrate” into family life, you may be able to stay out of the rough water.

Parents: Remember that your college student who looks so idle at home probably just finished the busiest week of the term; a few days’ grace are a kindness while he catches up on some deferred rest. And you will gain your college students’ appreciation if you don’t immediately put them in the chore rotation as if they’d never left home. They’re not your 14-year-old any more!

You do have a home and a family to manage, though, and it’s entirely appropriate to ask your student to keep some of the college culture and declarations of autonomy at a low level while they’re home.

Students: Your parents may have saved your room, your bed, and your stuff just like you left it, but you’ve got one foot (or both) very clearly on the “independent adult” side of the threshold. You’d probably like that consideration from your family. You will make it much easier if you agree to follow the house rules while you’re home – not because you’re a little kid again, but because your parents do have younger kids to manage, and too much insistence on your personal liberty may cause struggles with the siblings you leave behind.

And ask yourself – when another adult comes to visit the family, does he or she expect to sit with their feet up and let others help with the dishes or run errands around them? Pitch in before you’re asked, the same as you’d do staying with a host family on choir tour or a mission trip. And remember your parents are still on duty here – don’t assume you’re Parent Number 3 unless they deputize you!

Special Note to Guys: You may not have noticed, but college humor and dorm life in general are pretty raw. We know you may be the most conservative guy on the hall, but you’re still probably accustomed to a great deal of chaff, horseplay, and rough language that’s normal for students – and shocking to the folks back home. You will do them a kindness and save yourself some grief if you dial back your dorm personality – especially around younger siblings and older aunts – until you get your “family mind” back. Keep your filters firmly in place.

For both of you, we’d recommend extra courtesy and extra reassurance that you love and respect each. There may only be a few more visits before they set up a home of their own. It’s worth the extra effort (and pain, unfortunately, sometimes) of keeping peace with each other for the future.

Anyway, it may help to see it from both sides and to try hard to keep the peace for this short time. Remember that “a soft answer turns away wrath” — no matter which side is angry, parent or student. Getting riled up isn’t going to help. Try to lift each other’s burden a bit today and “be an example of those who believe.”

With you in the battle,

Hal & Melanie

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She Said, “I Won’t Let my Daughter Marry a Guy Who Has Ever Seen Porn!”

Be sure you ask the right questions – and set the right expectations

Our friend was adamant. “I would never allow my daughter to marry a guy who has looked at porn.”

She’s right to be concerned. It’s a sin and affront to God to look at pornography. It causes physical changes in the user’s brain as well as warping his perception and expectations of women.

No loving parents would give their daughter to a porn-soaked bridgegroom.

But we need to be sure we’ve asked the right question. Otherwise, her daughter may need to prepare herself for a life of singleness.

WHAT?

When we first began speaking about internet safety, parents were coming to us with stories of their 15- and 16 year olds that had gotten in trouble. More recently, it’s been seven- to nine year olds! The sad fact is less than 3% of boys make it to college age without being exposed to porn at some point. If you disqualify all of them, even the ones that were young children when exposed, you don’t have many men left.

Let’s face it – even though we’d like to think that the church is free from this, the simple statistics don’t leave any space for that notion. In the U.S., 83% of users identify themselves as Christians, 53% Protestant and 22% Catholic. And 31% call themselves evangelical. And 97% of boys have seen pornography. There’s no room to say, “Oh, it’s those people, not us.”

Only 3% of men can say they’ve never seen porn. Are we ready to say 97% have disqualified themselves from marriage?

We agree with her concern, though. Porn use is sin, plain and simple, and no peccadillo, either. The Lord Jesus said, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Someone embroiled in a sin like that is definitely not ready for marriage.

Beyond that, an addiction to porn can give someone unrealistic, even dangerous expectations about sexuality. No one wants to give their precious daughter to a deviant! And there’s no question, our entertainment and even our legal culture are breaking down the barriers and removing restraints from all kinds of harmful, destructive behaviors.

The good news is The Good News is still good news.

When the apostle Paul warned the church in Corinth against sins like adultery, fornication, and homosexuality, he pointed out, “such were some of you,”

“But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:11)

Porn use is a serious sin and it has real consequences, but it is possible to overcome it! Our new book, Love, Honor, and Virtue, has a game plan for guys who want to get out of it. There are other resources here.

So, how can you help your daughter weed out the guys who are slaves to sin without writing off young men who’ve fallen in the past, but have conquered it in Christ?

You have to get to know the guy. You need to ask him questions, and some hard probing questions indeed, but you have to build a relationship to do that. You want honest answers, and you won’t get them without gaining his respect. And you have to remember that the young man you are talking to now may one day decide how often you get to see your grandchildren. Treat him with the kindness and respect you would want for yourself. Don’t act as if every young man that comes around is a dragon trying to devour your princess!

Still, tough questions are appropriate. You probably need to ask:

What is your experience with porn? Nearly all young men will have had exposure to it, many of them will have been entangled in it for a time.

When is the last time you looked at porn? 

If it’s been very recently, that is a huge red flag that you need to share with your daughter. The two of you may want to do some research together on the effect this stuff has on a guy’s mind and how addictive it is. The Covenant Eyes blog has some good resources for this.

If it’s been in the last few months, you may want to encourage your daughter to just remain friends for a while until he’s proven himself. It takes months, sometimes a year or more, to truly get free of this stuff.

If it has been more than a year, that’s a green light, but the next question may help you to feel confident in that.

What are you doing to avoid temptation? You want to hear that he is taking active steps to stay free from this sin. Does he have someone who is encouraging him and holding him accountable? Does he have accountability software on his devices?

Exercise due diligence so you can help your daughter make a wise decision, but don’t forget grace.

A church leader we know told us that their church nearly split over the marriage of the pastor’s son. Before she came to Christ, his fiancee had been a prostitute and drug addict. A faction in the church thought she wasn’t good enough for the church’s favorite son and demanded a church meeting. At the meeting, one of the elders stood and said, “What is on trial here is not this young woman, but the grace of God. Do we believe that Christ’s blood covers the sins of His people, or not? Because if it does, if this young lady is acceptable to God, who are we to refuse her?”

Acts 10:15 says, “What God has cleansed, no longer consider unholy.”

Grace renews our minds and it transforms us. In the light of that incredible grace, we really can’t make rules that our children must never marry someone who has sinned. We’re all sinners, all guilty before God, but Christ died so that we could be forgiven. Be cautious, be wise, of course, but be open to a young man with a transformed life.

Hal and Melanie

 

 

 

 

 

Lovebirdseed A new project from Hal and Melanie

The Bible speaks about marriage as a partnership, like two horses pulling in harness together. It’s a good image of shared purpose and common goals – but we need to be sure we spend time face-to-face as well as shoulder-to-shoulder! Isn’t it time to really look at one another and think about yourselves as a couple – not just partners in parenting and colleagues in the business of home life?

To help that along, we’re starting a little project we’re calling Lovebirdseed. You’ll get a weekly email with suggestions for things you can talk about or do together, that will bring you closer again. Some are memories to share, some are questions to discuss, some are memories to make. And nearly all of them are things that we’ve done and discussed in our own time as a couple!

We’re offering this for free, because we want to help you keep or build or rebuild the sort of friendship that marriage should be. Just give us your email address and we’ll send you the first suggestion right away! Then you’ll get another suggestion every few days to help you build a deeper and deeper friendship with your mate.

Check your email for your first suggestion!

Fifty Shades Darker in Christian Marriage

Warning: Adult subject matter, may be disturbing to abuse victims.

Adrienne* shook with heavy, harsh sobs. Then her eyes flashed with anger, “I couldn’t believe he would do that to me!” She described haltingly how her husband had forced her into a sexual act that she was ashamed to even talk about. Then she began to cry softly like a little girl, “He wanted to do it again and again. I told him it felt like a serrated knife! I told him I hurt so badly I could barely walk, that I was injured.” She wailed like a lost soul, “He didn’t care! He’s supposed to love me. He’s supposed to protect me. He doesn’t care! ”

“You should go to the elders of church. Talk to your pastor. Maybe he can talk some sense into him. You need help,” we told her.

The ugly sobs started again, “I did! They told me I had to agree to it or be under church discipline for not submitting to my husband! They don’t care if I’m damaged! They don’t care if I’m hurt!” She laid her head down on the table and wept in despair.

Is your blood boiling? Ours was. This is a true story. In fact, we keep hearing stories like this. Women who are being asked to submit to humiliation, restraint, pain. They are horrified, disgusted, even wounded with lasting damage, but find little sympathy in the men who promised to cherish them. Some of them have even come to accept this as normal and defend it.

What on earth is happening here?

For the most part, it seems to be an outgrowth of porn in the culture. Porn is addictive in much the same way as drugs or alcohol. It causes a huge dopamine release in the brain. That’s a reward hormone that is released when we have marital relations, among other things. It helps in bonding a couple together. Internet porn, where you can see much more than is possible to experience in real life, causes such a large release that the brain’s response to it dials back and you have to watch more porn or more intense porn the next time to get the same thrill.

That means normal intercourse soon gives way to perversion. Nearly 40% of teenage boys have seen sexual violence online. Purveyors of porn use pain, perversion, humiliation, and violence to give viewers that extra thrill they need to get a fix.

Now that kind of sexuality is going mainstream. If enough people fall into the same sin, pretty soon it starts to look normal.

On Valentine’s Day, the day our culture sets apart to celebrate love, Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to Fifty Shades of Gray, is being released. This is the story of rich playboy Christian Gray and his domination and physical abuse of Anastasia Steele, a vulnerable younger woman. In Darker, Anastasia goes back to the abuser she left at the end of the first movie, which, though it may be realistic, is not a good message for battered women.

That’s this year’s “romantic” movie for Valentine’s Day and we see women talking on social media about going to see it. Christian women.

But, is sexual bondage, pain, and humiliation appropriate for a Christian to pursue — even in marriage? Some argue that any sexuality is fine for a married couple, but when we look at what the Word expects of us, we can’t agree.

Ephesians 5 tells us that marriage is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. Does Jesus entertain Himself by taking the church prisoner, abusing her, and degrading her? Does He brutalize His bride for His own excitement? No, He doesn’t.

Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands should love their wives “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Christ’s example is one of gentleness, service, and most of all, willingness to give up His life for His bride. He denied Himself. Christ doesn’t rape His church, and He doesn’t fantasize and pretend that, either.

Galatians 5:22-23 describes the life which Christians should pursue and experience. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:22-23

The fruits of the Spirit should be seen in our marriage. Even our sexuality should be subject to the Holy Spirit.

Where is the patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control in the “Fifty Shades” kind of “love”?

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Think about that verse as it applies in the bedroom. Surely, causing pain and humiliation for your beloved has no place in the romance of a believer.

On the other hand, a godly sexual relationship is not boring, it’s incredibly fulfilling. When we truly consider our mate more highly than we do ourselves, we are both trying to please one another. That’s more fun, more joyful than any sick fantasy of domination.

There’s a human toll to the normalization of perversion. Women who only want to be treated with kindness by their lovers are accused of being frigid or rebellious. They suffer pain and injury in the relationship that is supposed to keep them safe and secure. They feel betrayed by their providers and protectors. And sometimes, even their church leaders are complicit.

Is this pleasing to God? Certainly not!

Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;

Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness;

Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Isaiah 5:20

There is a reason this lustful fantasy is described in its own title as “shaded” and “darkness.” 

Jesus said, in John 3:19, that “men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.”

This is evil, folks. Don’t believe it is anything else. 

Don’t encourage it, don’t partake of it. Get help and get out of this kind of sin if you are living in it. And if you are a victim, you do not have to submit to this. You are made in the image of God and your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Get help.

Resources

Our newest book, Love, Honor, and Virtue: Gaining or Regaining a Biblical Attitude toward Sexuality, is for young men in their teens and twenties. It’s due to be released in just a few weeks — preorder now!

My Beloved and My Friend: How to be Married to Your Best Friend Without Changing Spouses, 2015 Christian Small Publishers Book of the Year, addresses these challenges in marriage and gives encouragement and help to overcome them. Or, even join us for our romantic marriage retreat, Come Away Weekend.

Protect your sons from heading down this path. Get some kind of accountability on every internet capable device in your home. The one our family uses (affiliate link coming!) is Covenant Eyes.

You can find more resources about healthy sexuality here.

Hal & Melanie

*Name changed to protect her privacy.

Five Things to Do When Your Child is Being Picked On

A friend was just heartbroken, “My preteen son was visibly upset after children’s choir last night. When I probed, he said he didn’t like his class any more and he wanted to quit. After probing even more, he said, fighting back tears, that when he went to sit down, the kids told him that he couldn’t sit there because they had better friends to sit with. My heart just broke into a thousand pieces. I am so angry and hurt for him! What do I do?”

Oh no! This stuff  really hurt when we were kids. I had no idea it would hurt even more to see your child go through it, but it does.

Sooner or later, it happens to most of our children. Someone will exclude them, be nasty to them, bully them. Here are five things we’ve gone when it’s happened to ours:

1 – We explain that often mean behavior is a result of fear. We sit down and explain to them that kids are mean to each other because they are all desperately afraid that if they aren’t the popular kids, someone will be picking on them. It’s fear based, it’s ugly, and it’s displeasing to God, who says we should not show partiality. It’s really not about the victim at all.

2 – We use this trial to teach them to be compassionate. We tell them to remember how horrible it feels to be on the receiving end of this stuff and that we want them to remember that all their lives, so that they never do that to anyone else. Their righteous indignation at how they’ve been treated creates a rare opportunity to help them really understand how the Lord means for us to treat one another. I John 3:16 and following says,

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

3 – We remind them that they aren’t alone. Our Lord Jesus knows exactly how they feel. Jesus came to earth as one of us, but was rejected by the very ones He’d created. We read to them about the time before the Crucifixion and point out how Jesus was betrayed and made fun of. We assure them He knows just how it feels and He loves us and sympathizes with us. And we hold them tight while they cry and remind them of our love. It’s hard, but it helps.



4 – We prepare them for the next time. People are like chickens, we tell them. They tend to peck (or pick!) on those they perceive as weak. Often the biggest bullies are cowards and only need someone to stand up to them.

It really helps to role play appropriate responses with them. A chicken that fluffs up his feathers and struts confidently across the run is much less likely to get pecked on, so we talk to our kids about how to respond when they’re picked on. It’s better to be strong and seem secure than it is to get mad or upset. It’s better to respond to teasing with a little gentle teasing back, than it is to burst into tears. It helps to act out different situations.

5 – Ultimately, though, we protect them. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me, the nursery rhyme asserts, but really it isn’t true. Words can be replayed again and again in our minds, hurting us again each them. Bullying can cause lifelong struggles for our kids.

If helping our kids learn how to interact better with mean kids doesn’t help, we encourage them to go to the authority in charge and ask for help. Sadly, in our experience that seldom helps, as bullies are often very good at hiding their activities and taking advantage of parents who believe the best of them, but it’s an important step in the process anyway.

If going to the authority doesn’t help, we get our child out of the situation. Sometimes, that means we give up visiting with our own friends to supervise their play, but it could even mean leaving a club, an activity, or a church for good. We know too many adults that still struggle from being bullied as children. Our children deserve our protection.

When our kids get picked on, it could just be a transitory bit of spite or it could be very serious and dangerous bullying. Our children need our wisdom, support, and sometimes intervention. We’ve got to be there for them!

Your friends,
Hal & Melanie

Many children are bullied on social media and sadly many of their parents don’t even know what they are doing online. Know where your kids are online and keep them safe. We use Covenant Eyes (affiliate link!) rel=”nofollow” and LOVE it!

California Blend Soup in the Instant Pot® (Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrot, and Cheddar)

We’ve become enamored of rich, thick soups in the Instant Pot®. It’s just so easy! A creamy, heavy soup on the stove would require a lot of attention and stirring to keep it from burning on the bottom. In the Instant Pot®, you load it, set it, and forget it. I love that!

I thought an Instant Pot would just be another useless kitchen thing to stick under the sink. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We use this thing nearly everyday! It’s meant we can have those wonderful meals that you have to plan ahead for — without planning ahead! I love it so much! (Affiliate link coming!) This is the one I have. 

Today, I looked at what we had in the fridge (since it’s snowing and most everything is closed) and created something new. We loved it, too!

I was looking for something low carb/paleo, with a thicker base, but no big chunks. If you like your soup thinner, but veggies chunkier, you can skip this step.

First I put a pound of carrots, then a pound of cauliflower, then about two pounds of broccoli through the blender to make them smaller chunks. All were raw, some was frozen. I just used what I had and I don’t think it matters whether it is raw or frozen. Chop a couple of onions and throw them on top.

 

 

Pour about five cups of chicken broth on top. If you’re like me and you never have enough broth around, use five cups of water and about five teaspoons of chicken base. Chicken base, really beef and ham, too, is something you need to have in your fridge. It’s like bouillon cubes, but about a million times better.

I like to add boiling water because I’m horribly impatient and the little bit of time it takes to come to pressure drives me crazy. My electric kettle makes that easy. I just start it heating when I come in the kitchen to cook and I’ve got boiling water whenever I need it. How did I live without that thing??? So thankful John Calvin brought an electric kettle into our lives when he came back from Oxford. Evidently everyone has one in England. Here’s the one I have (That’s an affiliate link!). It holds almost a half gallon, which is perfect when I want to get something like noodles going quickly.

I put about half the spices in at the beginning, allowing them to permeate through, but also allowing me to season to taste.

 

Time to cook! Close it up, turn the valve to seal. Set the Instant Pot® to Manual, High Pressure, 15 minutes. Go take a break. Rest. Check social media. Or, hey, you could buy some great resource in our store.

It looked pretty weird when I opened the pot!

 

 

But a little stirring, and it started looking like soup!

Throw in a pound of sharp cheddar, grated, and stir until it’s melted. Of course, like in most things, the sharper, the better. Sharp = Flavor.

 

Then add two or three cups of milk or cream. Cream = Richness and Flavor, but it also costs more and has a lot more fat. Make your own compromise. I decided to go with milk this time since I had some luscious looking strawberries I wanted that cream for.

 

Finally, season to taste. Want to become a great cook? TASTE. Taste everything. If you do, you can make things just the way you and your family like it and your kids will think you are the best cook in the world.

For this soup, I used coriander, mace (but nutmeg will work, too), hot sauce, garlic, and salt and pepper. It was delicious!

 

Click here for printable version of this recipe!

California Blend Soup in the Instant Pot®

2 lbs Broccoli ( I used stems trimmed from the previous day’s broccoli.)

1 lb Carrots

1 lb Cauliflower (Again, I used stems and trimmings)

2 Onions, diced

5 cups Chicken Broth, or 5 cups Water plus 5 Teaspoons Chicken Base

1 lb Cheddar Cheese, sharp, grated

2-3 cups Milk or Cream

1 1/2 teaspoons Ground Coriander

2 cloves Garlic

1 1/2 teaspoons Salt

Mace or Nutmeg, several shakes

Pepper, as desired

Franks Hot Sauce, 2-3 tablespoons

Chop veggies, blend if you want thick soup with fewer chunks. Add to Instant Pot®. Pour in 5 cups of broth. Add seasoning, as desired. I add about half.

Cook on Manual at High Pressure, for 15 minutes. Use a quick release.

Add cheese and stir until melted. Add milk. Add remaining seasoning to taste.

Serve with garlic bread, rolls, muffins, or cornbread.

Enjoy!

Melanie

Great New Gifts To Get Kids Off Their Devices!

 

We hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Once more, we were blessed with all eight of our children around the table. One of our sons is recently engaged, so next year it may only be seven – unless it’s nine, with our new daughter present! Time passes so quickly, and we treasure the memories and traditions of this holiday!



We’ve Got Some Great New Items This Year!

Here’s what you’ll find:

* GREAT ways to get your kids OFF their devices. Character-building gifts you’ll feel good about.

* GREAT PRICES THIS WEEKEND

* FREE Creation Book w/Purchase!

* $10 FLAT RATE Priority Shipping!

Some of these are hard-to-find or only available from Great Waters Press. Believe us, we don’t carry it if we don’t enjoy it as a family favorite ourselves. We think you’ll find something useful and exciting for nearly any family!

Thank you for supporting our ministry!

In Christ

Hal and Melanie

























New For Christmas 2016!





















How To Get Them Off The Devices!















Parents ask us all the time, “How can I get my kids off the screen and doing something more constructive?” How about introducing them to some useful and interesting new skills and hobbies? You LOVED our Chain Mail Kit last year, so we’re putting together a whole line of exclusive kits to do just that!

 

Learn The Art of Calligraphy

The Medieval Scribe Held A Different Power Than The Knight in Arms!

Our new set will help you learn four different historic scripts – Roman Rustic, Uncial, Carolignian, and Gothic – and the history of men and eras which used them. Your kids will be able to do formal and decorative lettering for signs, mottos, and letter-writing for life – and probably improve their handwriting at the same time!

















CLICK HERE to find out more!




























Old Fashioned Woodburning Set




When we were creating our chain mail kits last year, our sons were fascinated by the woodburning process we used for decoration. This kit gives you the tool and materials you need to learn this very old art!


















CHECK OUT THIS NEW CRAFT KIT!
























 

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Leatherworking Kit
Pocket Knife Holster

When one of our sons bought a leathercraft kit at a conference, he enjoyed it so much we added this one to our catalog! This kit has all the leather, fittings, dye, and finishing supplies – just add your own knife and mini-flashlight!

CLICK HERE for more information
























New Audiobook!

 

Unpleasant People at Thanksgiving?

Welcome to our podcast listeners!

While the web wizards sort out a technical problem at the Ultimate Homeschool Radio Network, we wanted to go ahead and share some timely ideas to our listeners. We’ll be back on our usual channels soon, but in the meantime, here’s the current edition of Making Biblical Family Life Practical:

 

This has been a pretty divisive election season – the Gallup pollsters found in the days just before the vote, that nearly a third of us were voting against the other candidate, not in favor of the one we were marking! So there are a lot of stunned and stung people out there, and no doubt, some of them will be at Thanksgiving Dinner with you.

Now what?

Your feast of gratitude toward God doesn’t have to become a shouting match … but it may take some thought, some planning, and some grace-filled diplomacy to keep the conversation on track! This episode, we talk about some practical ways to show love to people you don’t agree with for the holidays.

CLICK HERE to listen to episode 150, “Unpleasant People at Thanksgiving – Post Election Edition”

Name-Calling 2: Nicknames and Teasing

Name-calling and unkind teasing are a common part of childhood. At some time or another, we’ve all been picked on … or took cheap shots at somebody else.

God takes it seriously and we should, too! Jesus made a point of how we speak to one another in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:22)  And Proverbs 6:16-18 warns that “one who sows discord among brethren” is an abomination to God!

Nicknames are great – except when they’re not

Some people love to give nicknames to their friends. People close to President George W. Bush said it was a sign of affection if “Dubya” gave you a nickname. It’s common in team sports, common in the military, and common in families too.

Names are important in the Bible – for example, God changed the name of Abram to Abraham, who became “Father of Nations.” (Genesis 17:5)   Jacob (“the Supplanter,” always competing with his twin brother Esau) became Israel, meaning “God Prevails.” (Genesis 32:28). Of course, if you read the marginal notes in your Bible, you’ll find numerous examples of names which express truth about God – or characteristics of the person himself!

Jesus gave nicknames to some of His disciples. We remember that when Andrew introduced his brother Simon to the Messiah, Jesus said, “You are Simon the son of John. You shall be called Cephas,” which means Peter (John 1:42 ESV).  Jesus tagged James and John, “Sons of Thunder.” Nicknames can be a sign of friendship, respect, and love.

But we have to draw a line at nicknames which are cruel or insulting – just like Jesus in Matthew 5.

Where we draw a line

With five football players and a couple of weight-lifters in the house, you can believe we hear some “trash talking.” They proudly share their achievements in the gym, they rib each other about a missed tackle, or tease a brother as a goad to encourage him to work harder on the field.

As long as there’s a spirit of fellowship and friendly competition, and nobody’s feelings are getting hurt, we tolerate a bit of masculine trash talk. That’s pretty typical “guy behavior,” even if it sounds rough to Mom’s ears.

But we positively forbid bullying. When words become hateful, spiteful, hurtful and vicious, there it real harm being done. Just like our rule for rough-and-tumble play (link to blog article/podcast), if somebody says “Knock it off!” or “Hey, that’s enough,” then a boundary’s been reached – past that point, if it continues, someone is being a bully.

God’s law said “You shall not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block in the way of the blind” – in other words, make fun of another’s handicap, hardship, or weakness, even when you think you can get away with it – “but shall fear your God.” (Leviticus 19:14)  We’re repeatedly warned against speaking rudely of the poor (after all, “The LORD makes poor and makes rich,” 1 Samuel 2:7).

But there’s a difference between unbiblical mocking and truthful discernment – we’ll talk about that next! 

Part 1:

 

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Name-Calling – No Big Deal, or Big Deal?

Do you remember the first time somebody called you a bad name, and a well-meaning parent or teacher told you to brush it off, saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me”?

Did it work?

Actually, our experience is that a playground scuffle wears off pretty quickly. A verbal cruelty, though, goes deeper into the memory, and it can be pulled back to the surface to taunt us again, years or a lifetime later.

We have a friend who told us that she was the oldest child in her large family, and frankly, she was a mean one – making a hobby of mocking, jeering, and taunting her younger siblings. She made their relationship so hostile that when she became a Christian as an adult, none of her siblings would give the slightest hearing to the Good News which had transformed her life. She couldn’t even convince them to listen to her apology – years after she’d left home.

Names will hurt you – sad experience will prove it!

And it’s not just a kids-will-be-kids sort of problem. It’s not limited to the playground—not for our kids, and not for us adults either.

The Bible warns us about name-calling

When Hal was in college, his pastor preached a whole series of sermons on “the tongue” – the power and the danger which lives in our words. The Bible says a great deal about words and names … we shouldn’t take it lightly.

James says our tongue is “an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men … My brethren, these things ought not to be so.” (James 3:8-10) He compares it to a small flame than can set a whole forest blazing, or the small rudder which can steer a giant ship.

Jesus said, “Everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matthew 5:22 ESV)

In fact, Paul wrote to Titus that believers should “speak evil of no one” (Titus 3:2). The word he used is blasphemeo. The term broadly means to slander, revile, or speak reproachfully about someone. If we blaspheme God, we’re slandering His holiness and perfection – but we can also be guilty of blaspheming our fellow sinners, if we speak maliciously and untruthfully about them. Paul used the word for unjust accusations that had been made against himself, and the book of Jude says that even the archangel Michael avoided this kind of talk when he contended with the devil.

And back here on earth, there’s Proverbs 6:16-19 – of seven things which God calls “abomination,” including murder, perjury, conspiracy, and arrogance, we’re told God hates “one who sows discord among brethren.”

So if we take lying seriously, we need to take name-calling seriously too … because God does!

Coming Up: Are nicknames okay? How should we deal with unkind teasing at home?

Your friends,

Hal & Melanie