Hal Young's Blog, page 11

Talking to Kids About Disasters

 

The news is full of alarming stories – hurricanes, flooding, wildfires, and more – and it’s nearly impossible to shield our kids from hearing about it. How do you help your children understand natural disasters and bad news with concern but not panic? Do you talk with your teenagers differently than your young kids? What should we be thinking ourselves?

Give them perspective! Don’t let them fret and worry about tsunamis if you live in the desert, or about outbreaks of tropical diseases if you don’t travel in those areas. We went to Yellowstone National Park once, and warned our children to be very careful not to wander off the walkways – people had fallen into boiling mud pools and had terrible ends! But one of our younger children was so alarmed by the idea, she couldn’t seem to understand that geysers and volcanoes are local events … and not something to worry over back home in North Carolina! Be sure they understand what’s a real and present personal danger – and what isn’t. 

Take proper precautions, but give hope. The Proverbs say, “The prudent man sees evil and hides himself …” (Proverbs 22:3) If there is a present danger for you and your family, then it’s appropriate to make preparations – to shelter in place, to be ready to evacuate, or whatever. The important thing is to demonstrate that we are prudent, not panicked. Involve the kids as they’re able. Teenagers are great at stepping up in an emergency. Little kids mostly want reassurance. But be sure to involve your pre-teens however you can – they’re old enough to understand trouble, but too young to do much about it — they think.

Remember that God is in control. He is not surprised by disasters and suffering. We can accidentally worry our children if we make them think that a storm or flood or disease happened in spite of God’s wishes. If God’s plan is overwhelmed by natural events, then how can we trust that He will protect us or take care of us? Instead, the Bible tells us that God controls weather, nature, and natural events, and He directs them both in judgment and in mercy!

Death and suffering are a result of sin – even for people who didn’t cause it themselves. People will protest, “I can’t believe God made my grandfather sick.” No, sickness comes because this is a fallen world. God doesn’t have to make someone sick – our own weakness does it, or harmful things in the environment, or any of a number of reasons. Sometimes suffering is the fault of someone’s bad choices or sinful behavior – a smoker who gets cancer, a drunk driver who wrecks his car, a homeowner who chose not to evacuate before the hurricane – and God may allow them to experience the results of their sin or foolishness. But at the same time,

We have to be careful not to assume that suffering is always a result of the victim’s sin. In John chapter 9, Jesus encountered a man who was born blind. His disciples asked Him, “Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” And Jesus told them, “Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” (John 9:1-3) And then He healed Him! When trouble comes, we can’t blame God, and we shouldn’t automatically assume the victim’s at fault, either.

We need to remember that all of us need to repent of our sins and ask God’s forgiveness. When Jesus was asked about an atrocity committed by the Roman occupation, He challenged His hearers, “Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than all other Galileans, because they suffered such things? I tell you no; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse sinners than all other men who dwelt in Jerusalem? I tell you, no; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.” (Luke 13:1-5)

Whenever we see an accident or hear of a disaster, that is a reminder that one day we all die, and every one of us needs to know and love our Savior.

Let’s use these opportunities to focus on the simple truths which God clearly says about Himself – that He rules over all the earth and heaven, even in the midst of the storm – that He loves His people enough to die for them – and that even in our worst troubles, God is able to bring good out of the darkness.

Because He promised that … “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Civil War Hero’s Sword Recovered

Recently some of his family members discovered the long-missing sword of Col. Robert Gould Shaw, the commander of the first African-American regiment in the Civil War, the 54th Massachusetts. Historians matched the serial number on the blade and confirmed that this really is the sword he carried in the assault on Fort Wagner, S.C., where he fell in action. Here’s the story of the missing sword …

Col. Shaw died in the assault and was buried on the field with his men

To learn more about the courage of Col. Shaw – courage not only on the battlefield, but the moral courage it took for him to accept a controversial command because it was the right and honorable thing to do – then download this thrilling story from Theodore Roosevelt’s Hero Tales from American History!

We’re sending this free to all our subscribers. If you sign up for a free subscription, we’ll send you the download link too!

Our mission is to help make Biblical family life a practical reality in the 21st-century home – like yours – and our newsletter will keep you up to date with more help, encouragement, ideas, and resources. Check it out!

Hard Conversations

Hal had a friend in college that he’d known for many years. Like good friends do, they shared a lot of interests, opinions, and experiences in common. Yet an unexpected break happened – the friend made some lifestyle changes that Hal was uncomfortable about. At the time, they seemed like a really big deal, and Hal didn’t want to be arguing with his friend … so he avoided confrontation by just avoiding conversations with him. And naturally enough, the close friendship ended!

He regrets it to this day. It was so avoidable, and the issues really weren’t that important after all. But this illustrates a powerful fact – relationships are built on communication, and sometimes you need to talk about unpleasant things together if you want to continue that relationship.

Sometimes love means a tough conversation

In Matthew 22:39, Jesus told an inquirer that the second great commandment is “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” He was quoting the end of an interesting passage in Leviticus, where the Lord told Moses to instruct the people:

“You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and not bear sin because of him. You shall not … bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself …” (Leviticus 19:17-18)

The apostle Paul said that love doesn’t allow itself to become resentful and irritable, or keep track of every wrong that’s suffered (1 Corinthians 13:5). You can either totally forgive the offense and completely overlook it, or you can have the talk with your friend, but you don’t save it up and brood over it.

And that doesn’t have to rise to the level of sinful offenses – it may be a simple as an irritating habit or a thoughtless behavior.

Right time, right way

There are a few things to keep in mind, though.

Paul says that the believer’s conversation needs to be honest and factual – but moderated by love (Ephesians 4:15).

And Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18 tell us, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between him and you alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” So this sort of rebuke needs to be private.

It needs to be thoughtful and deliberate. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (Proverbs 18:2) We have to leave space for the possibility that our friend’s offense isn’t intentional or malicious. That’s why we plan to have a discussion, not an accusation and arraignment.

And it needs to be calm. “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20) The Holy Spirit’s work is so much more effective than our bluster and rage when trying to reach someone’s heart for a positive change!

Are we teachable, ourselves?

Which brings up a final point. If a friend shares a grievance or offense with us, are we “swift to hear” as James says? Do we desire understanding, like the proverb recommends, or are we quick on the draw to defend our own position?

Solomon observed that “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend …” (Proverbs 27:5-6)

None of us is perfect, and we all have blind spots. A gentle word from someone you trust could make a real difference in your life, if you’re willing to let it. Assume they mean well when they come to you with some matter or other. Wouldn’t it be better to know the truth from a friend than be caught by surprise?

And isn’t it more loving, in the end, to have the conversation which might lead to change, improvement, and restoration … than to avoid confrontation by cutting off the relationship altogether? Don’t say to yourself, “I like this person too much to risk a disagreement, so I’ll just kill the relationship instead.”

Isn’t it worth discussing?

    

Yours in Christ,

Hal and Melanie

Like to hear more? Check out our podcast,

Making Biblical Family Life Practical

Episode 173

CLICK HERE

Kids and Phones – Smart or Not?

We recently passed a huge cultural milestone – ten years ago, Apple introduced the iPhone, and our whole culture changed. The Pew Research Center reports that almost four out of five American adults own a smart phone and nearly three-fourths of teenagers have one of their own.

Is this a good thing, or not?

We’ve decided the answer is simply, “Yes.” The temptations and dangers are real. Carrying a tiny Internet device in your pocket offers a million opportunities to waste time, promises a false privacy which tempts users to explore online gambling or pornography, and opens a door for round-the-clock bullying.

But the phone can be a lifeline for young drivers, giving them a way to call for help or notify parents when plans change – and most days, it serves as a reasonably reliable navigator. And there’s all the other features and apps that replace literally thousands of dollars in separate technical equipment – most of them, for no cost at all.

Your mileage may vary

This is one of those things which will be decided differently from one family to the next. In our case, since our guys learn to drive ASAP and we spend a lot of time on the road, we get each of our children his own phone when he gets his license.

Our younger kids don’t need individual phones, but we realized that kids old enough to go on field trips and summer camps or to stay home alone might need a temporary phone – so we try to keep one additional phone on our contract. The “kids’ phone” gets loaned out whenever there’s a need.

Safeguards and cautions

= Internet accountability – We install monitoring software like (affiliate link, thanks!) Covenant Eyes on all our phones. It helps us avoid temptation when we learn that someone will find us out – and ultimately, Someone infallibly knows!

= Training – We warn our kids to keep their contact information secret and not trust people they meet online. Apps like Snapchat and Yellow can be used by predators to groom victims.  And don’t forget many states have strict laws about phone use while driving – besides the genuine risk that is for younger drivers.

= Etiquette – People in real life take precedence over the phone. We thought that answering machines freed us up from the expectation that we “must” answer the ringing phone in the hall. Now, we jump to look at every notification that buzzes? Don’t.

= Bedtime for the phone – Several common problems – insomnia, moodiness, and distraction – can be related to using the phone in bed. Who needs to continue a text conversation into the wee hours, when they have school the next morning? Often cyberbullies stalk their victims at night, too. Just turn it off!

Studies show that the bluish light of electronic devices can stimulate the brain to more wakefulness, too. We installed software on our phones to change the screen to a warmer tone as the evening goes along – it actually helps!

Everyone doesn’t deserve the same rule

Too often we forget that the rules we set for our eight-year-old need to be revised for our 16-year-old. It is perfectly just for our older teens, young adults like they are, to have more freedom (and greater responsibility) than their young siblings.

And never forget that relationship trumps a lot of regulations. If you encourage your teenagers to act like young adults and not like grown-up children, and recognize their emerging manhood and womanhood, you may find much less of a struggle managing them and your household rules. And consider this – if your teenager feels a need to assert some control and independence in his life, which is likely to have fewer risks – to make his own choices about clothing, haircuts, and schedules? Or to declare his cell phone habits as private and off-limits to parents? Right. Give them freedom in as many areas as you can, recognize their growing adulthood, but insist on transparency when it comes to their devices.

In Christ,

Hal and Melanie

 

 

FOR MORE THOUGHTS, LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST – Episode 172



CLICK HERE

 

Dear Mama to Boys

I’ll never forget the first time I went out shopping after our third son was born. We were in the shoe store when an elderly couple approached me.

“Is it a girl???” they asked, gesturing towards the stroller.

“No, this is our third son,” I said with pride.

“Oh, honey! I bet you were just devastated. How awful! How terrible for you. You must be so disappointed!”

“I can’t remember how I reacted, but I still feel sick thinking about it, even though that newborn just graduated from college.

I’d hear many more comments like that in the coming years as the Lord gave us boy after boy.

“You poor thing!”

“Three, four, five, six! SIX BOYS! OH MY!”

“Don’t you wish you had a girl? I’m so sorry for you.”

“How do you do it? I have one son and he drives me crazy!” Usually said in front of her own son!

We were delighted with our boys, but the world seemed to assume that they were a huge burden, a disappointment, a trial.

Mama of boys, it isn’t true.

We’ve raised four of our boys to adulthood and the two last are almost there. Here are a few things we wish we’d known back when people were making all those disheartening remarks:

One day that boy that nags, “Mama, can we get candy? Daddy, can we get a treat at the gas station?” will be buying things for you. Melanie was worried to death because the dress she’d special ordered for the upcoming family wedding hadn’t come in yet. One of our boys who was listening in handed her his credit card and said, “Mama, go over to Belk’s and buy something just in case. I don’t want you worrying. You can return it if the dress comes.” That was just one day after a brand new computer was delivered to our house by another son after Melanie worried aloud on our family Skype chat if hers would survive the next speaking trip. That boy of yours just needs to learn that it’s better to give than receive.

One day that busy beaver that runs nonstop until he falls over asleep will harness that energy and stun you with what he can do. It amazes me to see our teen and twenty-something boys swarm over our booth and pack it up. They are so strong, so diligent, and have so much energy. They can set up a campsite for our big family in minutes or unload a trailer so fast that the diligent ants stop to watch in amazement (or ought to!). Now we understand why God made them so crazy-active.

Some day that boy who can’t seem to get his school work done may do amazing things academically. Yesterday after graduation, a professor ran across the quad, gown flapping to catch us before we left. He wanted to tell us how happy he was our son was going to graduate school, “The academic world needs people like him!” Another professor told us, “Matt was so well-prepared for college that he really didn’t need us to teach him at all. He could have spent four years in the library and he’d have ferreted it all out for himself.” Man, we wish we’d known someone would one day say those things back when he was 11 and math took three hours! 

Eventually, those boys who just can’t stop bickering will love and encourage each other as only brothers can. Our fourth son is going to be our third son’s best man later this month. He’s on it, planning everything out, supporting his brother, and encouraging him. When one of our grown up boys has a concern, the others jump in with advice and promises to pray. If one of them has a need, all the others try to meet it. It’s a blessing to see.

One day that little guy that you have to keep taking out of the church service to nurse or go potty or just get the wiggles out may be leading the service, nearly making your heart burst with joy. Yesterday’s graduation was cool enough, but the day started with visiting our son’s church where he lead worship that morning. The text read in the service was so appropriate for the way we were feeling:

My son, if your heart is wise,

    my heart too will be glad.

My inmost being will exult

    when your lips speak what is right…

The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;

    he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.

Let your father and mother be glad;

    let her who bore you rejoice.      Proverbs 23: 15,16,24,25

We’re not trying to brag on our boys; we just want to give you hope! Our house probably looked a lot like yours does now. It was messy and loud. We broke up more fights than we could count. We got annoyed, really annoyed, with their nonstop energy, noise, and nagging. You know what, though? God answered our prayers. He showed himself strong. He stood in the gap. He gave us grace.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.     Galatians 6:9

Keep ‘a goin’, as our mountain grandparents said. Don’t give up. It’ll all be worth it one day!

Your friends,

Hal & Melanie

 

Q. Should My New Driver Take On Our Big Van?

A friend recently asked, “My oldest is about to get his learner’s permit. Should I let him drive our big van in the beginning or just stick to the car? Where should I let him drive? Should we stay away from freeways and things like that?”

I have them drive whatever we’re driving from the beginning. Let’s face it, eventually they will need to drive it all. I want them to have as much experience as possible, face as many challenges as possible while I’m with them. Research shows that driving safety is strongly connected to hours behind the wheel. That’s one reason why younger drivers are more likely to have accidents – they just aren’t as experienced. I want them to drive in big cities, on highways, in traffic, on two lane country roads in the dark, all of that, while they have help.

And freeways are really some of the easiest places to drive, way easier than in town driving.

I will never forget when one of our sons had run out for supplies in the middle of a conference for us. He was newly licensed, but he’d driven quite a lot and it was an easy run to Sam’s and a saved surface level parking spot for him when he got back. Or so we thought! The incompetent attendant had let someone take his place. He had to back into a very tight spot indeed – with the trailer! It was such an amazing feat that someone who saw it mentioned it to us the other day – SIX years later! I was so thankful we’d given him lots of practice backing trailers. You just never know what they’ll face on their own.

That’s why our new drivers drive as much as possible that first year. By the time they go to get their license and drive alone, they are excellent drivers and I don’t worry a bit about them!

I hate dreading things, so I tend to face them head on. Here’s my plan: We have a challenging circumstance in that we are usually driving not only our 15 passenger van, but it is pulling a 16 foot trailer! So, when they first get their permit, we take the whole rig to a huge empty parking lot and I have them drive it, back it, turn it and slalom it for a couple of hours straight. Once they do it enough for the muscle memory to kick in, they are good.

It’s something I feel strongly about. One of my soap boxes. I see too many parents crippling their young adults by being so cautious that their kids are afraid to do anything. Our 17yo is an utterly competent driver who has put in hundreds of hours behind the wheel and I am totally comfortable getting in the car with him and going straight to sleep.

On the other hand, I talked with a dad the other day whose daughter a year older was about to graduate and go to college and he said she’d been behind the wheel a couple of times, that they really needed to go to a parking lot and practice. People! It’s a life skill our kids NEED. We need to be as serious about getting them up to speed on driving as we are on math facts.

At least he was letting her drive, though! We sadly meet kids in their 20s who haven’t gotten licenses yet! It’s our job as parents to prepare our children for adulthood – even if it’s uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, and expensive.

And yes, it still scares me to death the first few hours they drive. Might as well get that over with the first week instead of dragging it out for a couple of years!

Your friend,
Melanie

Best Mother’s Day Gift Ever

Seriously, I can NOT tell you how much we love our Instant Pot! Pulled pork in 90 minutes instead of two days. Soup in minutes instead of hours. You guys need this thing.

This is the one we have. It’s big enough to cook for all of us. You can do soup, slow cooking, meats, hard-boiled eggs, yogurt and so much more in it. The perfect Mother’s Day gift:

 

Our Family Gets Bigger This Month!

 

We’re over-the-top delighted to announce that our family will be growing this month when our son Matthew exchanges vows with his college sweetheart Camille!

Camille is a strong believer and a talented, sweet-spirited young woman from Nicholasville, Kentucky. She’s a graduate of Berea College where she and Matthew met. They’ll be moving to Chapel Hill, N.C., where Matthew is starting his graduate studies in political science at the University of North Carolina.

Since we’ll be celebrating this family milestone in Kentucky, we won’t be attending the North Carolinians for Home Education Conference in Winston-Salem this year. Our good friends Philip and Carroll Sue Priddy will be manning the booth for us, and if you’re at the conference, be sure and stop by – we’ve got our new book Love, Honor, and Virtue, two new audiobooks (Captains Courageous and Five Little Peppers Midway), a crash course for first-time authors, and several other products we’ve added since last year!

And remember to pray for Matthew and Camille!

Thanks, Friends!

In Christ,

Hal and Melanie

Retreat Hymns

For The Beauty of the Earth

For the beauty of the earth

For the glory of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies.

Refrain

Lord of all, to Thee we raise,*

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the beauty of each hour,

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and moon, and stars of light.

Refrain

 

For the joy of human love,

Brother, sister, parent, child,

Friends on earth and friends above,

For all gentle thoughts and mild.

Refrain

 

For each perfect gift of Thine,

To our race so freely given,

Graces human and divine,

Flowers of earth and buds of Heaven.

Refrain

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils and snares,

I have already come;

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

 

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise

Than when we’d first begun.

The Church’s One Foundation

The Church’s one foundation

Is Jesus Christ her Lord,

She is His new creation

By water and the Word.

From Heav’n He came and sought her

To be His holy bride;

With His own blood He bought her

And for her life He died.

Elect from every nation,

Yet one o’er all the earth;

Her charter of salvation,

One Lord, one faith, one birth;

One holy name she blesses,

Partakes one holy food,

And to one hope she presses,

With every grace endued.

’Mid toil and tribulation,

And tumult of her war,

She waits the consummation

Of peace forevermore;

Till, with the vision glorious,

Her longing eyes are blest,

And the great Church victorious

Shall be the Church at rest.

Yet she on earth hath union

With God the Three in One,

And mystic sweet communion

With those whose rest is won,

O happy ones and holy!

Lord, give us grace that we

Like them, the meek and lowly,

On high may dwell with Thee:

Come, Thou Fount of Ev’ry Blessing

Come, Thou fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Here by Thy great help I’ve come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood;

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

 

“All right, ladies, give me all your hard questions! A yo...

“All right, ladies, give me all your hard questions! A young man is interested in our daughter and my husband is going to meet with him. I want your list of questions you plan to ask someone in this situation! My husband’s going to really let him have it!” a mom in one of Melanie’s Facebook groups posted.

Sorry,  Melanie answered, I have no questions for you.

“What? I was depending on you. I figured you’d have the best list of questions ever.”

No, no questions, but we do have a bit of advice.

You’d do well to remember that the young man you are talking about may one day decide how often you get to see your grandchildren. Honestly, hostility is not your best tactic here.

We hear what you’re saying, though. You love your (not so) little girl! You want to protect her. You want him to know that you have your eyes on him. We get that. There are better ways to do it than to start off on the wrong foot.

Build a relationship with him. Interrogating a stranger on his personal life is unlikely to prompt honest, thoughtful answers. In fact, it’s downright insulting. How do you feel when a stranger asks, “Are they all yours? Do you know what causes that? Are you on welfare?” Right. You feel very differently when a member of your church asks politely, “So, why did you decide to have a large family? Were you worried at all you’d have trouble supporting them?”  What’s the difference? Relationship.

Don’t make him date you first, though. We know young men who’ve met with a dad over months, only to be told once he got the dad’s blessing on the relationship, that the girl wasn’t interested. Arrggghhh! Of course she wasn’t! She hadn’t been allowed to get to know him. Unless he was a dreamboat at first glance, she’s unlikely to want to jump into a relationship on the order of one he’s spent months cultivating by dating dear old dad.

Treat them both like adults. We do NOT see our role in our adult kids’ relationships as gatekeepers or referees. Once they’re adults, we consider that they need to make their own decisions. After all, they’re the ones who’ll have to live with them. What’s really interesting is that our kids tell us way more about their relationships than our more controlling friends’ kids tell them. It’s a common thing around here for an adult child to call and say, “Can we talk? I want to make sure I’m thinking right about this relationship…” and to continue talking for an hour or two. You’ll find out more and have more influence if you recognize their adulthood.

Accept that your authority is limited. If your adult child is over 18, they can walk away from you at any time. All that allows you to have influence in their lives is relationship. If you are too controlling or hostile, you may drive your daughter into a young man’s arms to get away from you. It may be the wrong young man. Don’t be that parent.

“Wait a minute, then! What is my role in protecting my girl?” you might say.

Be her trusted advisor.

Be the person she can depend on to have her interests at heart. That means you put your feelings aside if you’ve always hoped she might marry a pastor and she’s interested in an engineer or you want her to live nearby and he’s studying to be a missionary or you wanted athletic grandchildren so you could go to their games and he’s short, slight, and bookish.

Be the person she can trust to raise concerns objectively. That means you don’t freak out or make more of something than is reasonable. Let’s face it, if our child waits for a perfect person, they won’t marry at all. On the other hand, if there are serious concerns, you need to bring them to her attention. Is he in ongoing sin? Is he really a Christian? Is he preparing to support a family? Is he kind and thoughtful or abusive and manipulative? Those are valid issues and you need to have enough of her trust that she’ll listen when you share your concerns.

Be the person she can rely on to be there no matter what. We hear of folks who cut their kids off, refusing to go to the wedding or have contact with their children because they married someone the parents didn’t want them to. This is short-sighted in the extreme! If you cut off the relationship, how do you have any influence in your grandchildren’s lives? Hopefully, you’ll all feel great about who your child marries, but even if you don’t, they are still your child.

“But how then can I influence this? How can I help her make a good choice? How can I protect her?”

Trust us (and this goes for parents of sons as well as parents of daughters), if you have a good relationship with your adult child and treat them (and their love interest) as an adult with respect, you will have much more influence than if you try to be the boss here.