Joshua Donellan's Blog: JM Donellan's substack, page 12
February 11, 2013
Vandal Newman
My Dearest BCC,
I am writing to commend you on your extremely well thought out allocation of 13.5 million dollars to the anti-graffiti campaign. Although I must say, whilst I was overjoyed that such a vast sum is allocated to the aggressive removal of the inexplicably pandemic desire for human beings to express themselves creatively, I was confused as to how $13.5 million appeared out of nowhere when the state of QLD is reportedly broke? 
I am often broke, and yet can never seem to find a spare $13.5 million lying around for anything. Please advise me on how to make $13.5 million appear from betwixt my couch cushions, which normally only yield lint and Canadian pennies, (which is curious as I have never been to Canada). I also really admire the fact you are doing this in the interest of protecting and beautifying public spaces (such as parks), whilst sensibly spending only $6.2 million in total on upgrades to city parks. I intend to follow this avant garde economic example when I buy my next car. I will spend $2 000 on the car itself, and $4 000 on grey paint to repeatedly paint it with.
Now, I know that some of those whiny lefties might be claiming your fiscal prioritisation is somewhat curious, given that you’ve placed funds for graffiti removal ahead of, oh, I don’t know, schools hospitals roads counselling services housing programs rehabilitation programs disease preventation initiatives with a well proven track record indigenous advocacy services well established literary awards emergency services etc etc etc.
Those silly graffists can’t even spell ‘terrific’ right!
I, however, fully understand that a government always acts in the best interests of its people, even the people who ungratefully use spray paint can devices to graffiti-ise the Premier’s office just a few months before the graffiti budget suddenly skyrockets to unprecedented levels. Sure, conspiracy theorists might want to make a connection there, but you and I, we’re reasonable, rational people who just want to use large amounts of public funding to support the establishment of a militarised task force to ensure the systematic destruction of artistic expression, whilst simultaneously funding programs of real cultural value, such as Big Brother.
The secret is: they’re all annoying!
I also agree with the honorable Mr Quirk’s statement that graffiti artmakerists ‘are not welcome in this city,’ as the best way to deal with disaffected youth who wish to express themselves creatively is assuredly to banish them beyond the city walls. However, I was wondering if there were limits to this mandate? Like, if someone who regularly saves kittens from trees also does graffiti making, would they still be banished? Is there some sort of ratio? Perhaps one graffiti piece per half dozen successful diminutative feline rescues?
X 1 = 6 X 
Or would they have to achieve a more impressive feat, such as saving someone from being stabbed in an alleyway? What if the only way that they could overpower the assailants was by obscuring their vision with their spray paint cans and they inadvertently got a small amount of paint on a wall in the process?
The other day I was walking home and saw this very tasteful and well designed ad stencilled on the footpath. I was wondering if Translink, as an official government partner, has some kind of graffiti license? Or a big shiny badge that they can flash like the cops on TV? If they forget their badge and are out graffiti-making do they get fined $1 000 (roughly the cost of a return trip to the city on a translink service)? 
Finally, I was wondering if you would be continuing your proud tradition of going beyond the call of duty and also removing commissioned work by illegally entering private property and painting over commissioned murals by world famous artists? And of course maintaining your admirable practice of physically subduing artists who have obtained legal permission for their work? This continues to set a world class standard in art control.
Perhaps you could even extend your forces of artistic suppresion into other mediums? Sometimes I see youths listening to their ipodphone machines and singing and dancing in the street for no reason at all! I find this quite disconcerting. Maybe you could find another $13.5 million for an Unlicensed New Juvenile Undulation Suppression Team. You might even be able to come up with a catchy acronym for that one, but I’ll leave that up to you!
Swarm regards
JM Donellan
PS
January 15, 2013
Book giveaway
Dena over at Books for for Kids (who recently wrote this great review of Zeb) is running a giveaway where you can get your hands…ah…well, eyes at least, on a digital copy of Zeb and the Great Ruckus. Entry is freebies. Check it out here.
In other book news, one of the highlights of my year, the Lifeline Bookfest starts in just a few days. Lifeline Bookfest is great for the following reasons:
1 Millions of books being sold at 1930s prices
2 The money goes to a good cause
3 Every year the MC dresses up in a safari outfit
4 It is the BEST people watching event of the year. Seriously. You see goths, punks, hipsters, septuagenarians, octogenarias, octuplets, families yelling at each other, couples critiquing each others choices, all kinds of different ages and backgrounds. It’s a veritable gold mine for character ideas.
5 It’s the best place to play a little game I like to call ‘Worst Romance.’ This basically involves finding the tackiest romance novel cover. The winner gets their books paid for by all other participants.
This would be a hot contender. There are some better ones out there, but I didn’t think it’d be appropriate to put the cover of ‘Impregnated by the Tentacle’ in this post.
January 13, 2013
On the making of monsters.
Recently I helped out EarthCheck with designing some fictional characters to help teach kids about caring for the environment. We developed four names for each character and then ran a poll on social media to choose the winning moniker. There’s an article about it , it’s a great project that’s going to work with schools all over Asia, starting in Singapore. Check it out!
January 3, 2013
7 Best Writing Albums
It’s often said that writing about music is like dancing about architecture, which always just makes me think “Yeah, I want to see more dances about architecture!” However, speaking in my capacity as a sometime musician, occasional music journalist, part time radio DJ and all the time lovably cantankerous author, I thought I’d share a few of my favourite writing albums.
I’m currently working my third novel, Adonis Comma Coma, which is a dark family comedy about a nurse who starts caring for the (allegedly) comatose son of an eccentric rich family who may or may not be killing their corporate rivals in a series of elaborate murders. Here’s what I’ve been listening to:
HUNZ – Penny Time
I am convinced that local wunderkind Hunz is at least 50% machine. Not only because he produces music and animation in a ridiculously diverse array of formats and mediums under various monikers, but because he makes a type of electronic music that seems more human than humanly possible. All his work is brilliant, but this soundtrack to the iphone game of the same name is sheer 8 bit genius.
Good for writing: Chase sequences.
MR MAPS – Wire Empire
Another local group, famous for their incendiary live performances and gorgeously complex yet completely accessible post-rock compositions. Mr Maps have been around for a good few years now, and they are easily one of the best bands Brisbane has ever produced. Wire Empire is a flawless album, and has an accompanying remix album as well. ALL of their work is currently available to download for free, so what are you waiting for you dumb jerk, go and and shove it in your ears already!
Good for writing: dramatic battle scenes or emotional reunions or awkward family moments or scenes involving amnesiac ninjas relearning how to bake novelty cupcakes for children’s birthday parties.
NIN – Ghosts
Ghosts was a weird departure for NIN, and one that confused a lot of people. Personally, I think it’s one of the most original albums released in the last decade. It was also an interesting precursor to Reznor/Ross’s soundtrack work (the Social Network is another one of my favourite writing albums).
Good for writing: mysterious scenes with eyes poking out of paintings whilst the protagonist carefully tiptoes down the hall with a candle and shadows flicker around the hall and then there’s A MONSTER! oh no wait a minute it’s just great uncle Fred sleepwalking phew what a relief except that he does look rather pale? and OH MY GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE! oh no it’s okay he’s a friendly vampire that wants to give you a hug…
RJD2 – Deadringer
RJD2 is right up there with DJ Shadow in terms of next level instrumental hip hop. This album, (his masterpiece), is a gorgeous audio collage of love and longing, beats and samples, cuts and examples, horns and handclaps.
Good for writing: party scenes at the end where if it was a movie there would be still shots of all the actors with white text at the bottom of the screen talking about where they’ll be in five years time because it’s easier to just write that text than shoot more footage unless you want to do a sequel later in which case you’re pretty much screwed.
YPPAH – 1981
Yppah (pronounced yip-pah, and yes it is a stupid name) released ’1981′ early last year and I have had it on constant repeat ever since. Filled with sweeping, uplifting, warm electronic symphonies, this album is an absolute joy from start to finish.
Good for writing: Happy endings.
ZOE KEATING – Into the Trees
God I love the cello. Why don’t more people play the cello? Why don’t you? Because if you did, I would listen to you and buy all your albums. Although they’d never be as good as this one, because it’s a damn near perfect collection of layered and looped longings and lamentations.
Good for writing: really sad bits that highlight humanity’s tragic flaws like the fact that in the west we discard massive amounts of food whilst in the third food people are starving and yet Coles and Woolworths still pay farmers to NOT grow food and also conservative politicians oppose regulation for corporations that perpetrate these practices, probably because they shop there and don’t want to have to pay $2.99 instead of $3.15 for a bag of tomatoes so they’d rather just perpetuate an endemically flawed duoply that hurts both consumers and the agricultural industry.
BLUE SKY BLACK DEATH (BSBD) – Noir
BSBD are my favourite band. They produce an average of 2-3 albums per year ranging across an insane array of styles and genres including synth pop, ambient electronic and underground hip-hop. ‘Noir’ showcases them at their very best; it’s a surging, swaying collection of symphonic electronica laced with nostalgic film samples. Listening to this album feels like liquifying all your memories of childhood summers into a tiny ocean filled with waves of joy, fear and delight and then diving into them from the top of a cliff.
Good for writing: that scene where the central protaganist liquifies all their memories of childhood summers into a tiny ocean filled with waves of joy, fear and delight and then dives into them from the top of a cliff.
December 18, 2012
The Next Big Thing
I was selected by my friend Rebecca Bloomer to be part of this blog chain called The Next Big Thing, where authors pick some of their friends and favourites to talk about upcoming works. Thanks to Rebecca for the nomination, I have in turn nominated Mandy Beaumont and Daniel Wynne.
1) What is the working title of your next book?
‘Adonis Comma Coma’. Or possibly ‘The Hobbit Part III: The Official Film Adaptation’ (legal confirmation pending).
2) Where did the idea come from for the book?
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“It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?!? You stupid monkey!”
From my ideas factory, which is a facility I have in an underground bunker beneath an abandoned warehouse where I have a team of elves on laptops, monkeys on typewriters and vampires on tablets just pumping out ideas in exchange for biscuits and the odd human sacrifice. (Don’t worry, I just give them tinned Spam mixed with oil, the tears of exploited workers and ground up hundred dollar notes and tell them that it’s the corpse of Clive Palmer. They apparently can’t tell the difference.)
3) What genre does your book fall under?
It falls roughly under ‘dark comedy’, but it would rather fall gracefully into the wise embrace of ‘Booker prize winning literary fiction’ or daintily into the strong and burly arms of ‘supernatural erotic fiction.’
4) What actors would you choose to play the part of your characters in a movie rendition? 
Lauren Ambrose partially inspired the main character, Freya, so I’d get her for starters. Then I’d probably have to have a lot of long, candlelit meetings discussing the finer points of the script. I’d probably get James Franco to play Jack and then just reanimate the corpse of Ronald Reagan to play Harland Vincetti, because as well being an actor he was also the forefather of the economic ideology that Vincetti uses to incrementally ruin everything.
5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
It’s basically ‘Arrested Development’ meets ‘Six Feet Under’, but more psychotic and supernatural.
6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
It’s signed to Pantera Press with an expected release date of September 2013. I had an agent but he wasn’t very useful so I ended up “donating” him to the ideas factory.
7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of the manuscript?
Roughly the amount of time it takes to watch all eight seasons of the acclaimed series ‘24′ a hundred times over.
x 100 = time required to write a book.
8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
I think Scarlett Thomas does similar things in that she discusses lots of strange and disparate concepts through her characters and uses a plot to hang all those ideas together. I’ve been told the manuscript also has a few parallels to Murakami’s work as well. I’m heavily influenced by Japanese writers who don’t over explain everything. I like to credit the audience with a little intelligence.
9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
A character in an anime film I saw years ago had this monologue talking about how we are all really three people: The person we see ourself as, the person others see us as, and the person we believe others to perceive us to be. Being a fiction author, that concept of perceived reality vs fantasy vs objective reality fascinated me.
10) What else about the book might pique the reader’s interest?
Preliminary scientific research indicates that reading this or any of my other books alters the brain at a subatomic level allowing the reader to change the chemistry of their system at will. This alteration allows them abilities such as excreting pheromones that make them irrestible to their potential sexual partners as well as being capable of great feats of strength, super rad skateboard tricks and sweet guitar licks.
December 12, 2012
IT’S THE INAUGURAL SUPER MAGICAL XMAS TIME EXPLOSIONS AND FUNTIMES SALE!!!
Zeb is just $9.95 (+p&h) between now and the arrival of the fat guy in the red suit.
INCLUDES FREE IMAGINARY FRIEND & AIR GUITAR AND THIS MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Australia only)
Serving suggestions:
December 11, 2012
Zeb launch video
Here’s a little video of the launch party put together by one of my Write Club student’s parents. It is the only known recording of the Ruckus Music, so I assume in the distant future ethnomusicologists will be studying it as part of their Book Related Music: Ridiculous Media Partnerships of the Early 21st Century course. Thanks to all the kids and parents involved and to Frozen Face of Polar Bear for helping me out with the music!
Also, The Book Fix recently did this gorgeously gif-laden review of Zeb. I like gifs. More reviews should have gifs.
November 7, 2012
Goodreads Book Giveaway
Zeb and the Great Ruckus
by J...
Goodreads Book Giveaway
Zeb and the Great Ruckus
by Joshua Donellan
Giveaway ends November 30, 2012.
See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.
Attn: the universe, Goodreads is currently hosting a giveaway competition! If you’d like to get your hands on a copy of Zeb for freebies just click on the link above. Also, check out the book trailer below. It has guitars and hilarious kids and other things. And in other news, I’ve just signed up with Speakers Ink, a booking agency that features authors like Nick Earls and Vernero Armanno, so if you’d like to book to speak or workshop at your school, wedding, divorce party, bar mitzvah or coronation you can head to the ‘Contact & Bookings‘ tab.
October 27, 2012
Stories are important because___________
Book cake #1 One of the best books ever written, now with more sugar!
For my birthday last week I ran a little mini-competition where I promised to give away a free copy of Zeb and the Great Ruckus to the most creative answer to the above question. I received a brilliant array of responses, ranging from the ridiculous to the philosophical and everything in between. I thought I’d share a few of my favourites here for you to enjoy. Thanks to everyone who participated, and everyone else out there feel free to comment and add your own!
“Stories are important because life and reality need to fade into the background at times.”
“Stories are important because they’re made of hopes and dreams.
The remnants of your darkest thoughts and creatures now unseen.
Telling tales keep us connected to the world of never was.
A place where impossible is expected and things can happen just because.
So write your shinning words aloud and build those bridges strong.
It’s the stories that will save us and to forget that would be wrong.”
“Stories are important because they free the mind from artificial constraints like time, gravity and parents.”
Book cake #2 (I WANT TO READ IT AND EAT IT!)
“Stories are important because they build us into the people we are, good ones make us the people we can be and great ones allow us to hope for far more.”
“Stories are important because they’re the difference between a fact, like ‘I won a free book’, and an epic tale to excite young and old about how I thwarted other people by wielding weapons of irony and cheek to triumphantly win a free book. (It’s going to make a great story. Only $14.99 plus postage and handling! Also it’s a 3D pop out book and it’s the same backwards as forwards).”
*editor’s note: I WANT TO READ THAT BOOK!
Book cake #3 I’m starting to wish all books were this incredible/edible.
“Stories are important because they give you freedom. I grew up incredibly poor in a shed, we could only eat the food that we could grow or source, I bathed in a bucket and my clothes were always secondhand and a little shabby. We couldn’t afford much but the library was free and those stories helped me to see a world outside my own and to find the poetry in my own stories. Not to sound cliche but its the stories I read, hiding underneath my blankets, wrapped in the world of places like Narnia that taught me that there is an amazing world that isn’t dependant on how much money you have, but rather how rich your imagination can be.”
But my personal favourite was from Mr. Brady ‘Subtlety’ Clarke:
“Stories are important because when thirty bearded dudes decided the hierarchy of Important Things in the steamy autumn of 1066, the skinniest one (with the mole on his nose) yelled and screamed and spat that stories are more important than trying to conquer a goddamn island, Bill. And that’s why we have stories AND a Norman Britain.”
For further reading, there’s a great article on why stories are important over at the Journal Pulp, a list of the most beautiful bookstores in the world and, while you’re at it, a goodreads list of must read books. Happy reading!
October 21, 2012
Love letters to corporations episode #6
My dearest ticketek,
I am writing today to commend you on your excellent and innovate business model of charging for delivery of etickets, a service which, by my mathematical reckoning, costs you precisely $0.000000000 dollars. I had once believed that your email delivery prices of $4-5 would be the absolute zenith of your entrepreneurial courage. But lo! I was mistaken. Please accept my most humble apologies for doubting the ambitious heights of your brave and fearless profiteering, for I have recently learned that you charged $7.60 for delivery of etickets to Jack White’s recent Sydney performance.
“I’m going to Australia! / A seven dollar ticket fee won’t hold them back…”
This is a profit earning venture of the highest and most laudable courage. I can only imagine that upon hearing this news drug kingpins, such as the Wire’s Avon Barksdale, leaned back in their comfy leather chairs and proclaimed:
“Goddamn dawg, we in the wrong motherf**king business up in here. We shootin’ fools and getting sprayed wit bullets to get that green and those dudes up in ticketek just be kicking back in airconditioning getting mad cash thrown at ‘em by charging delivery for ETICKETS? Etickets don’t cost no money to deliver! Don’t those Aussie punters be knowing dat? I wanna deliver a K of blow, I gotta pay my drivers, my security, my dealers, gotta pay the Five-0 ta look the other way, that sh*t costs money yo! I gotta factor that into the cost of my product. You ain’t gotta do that to send a goddamn email! Dem Aussies got ta get a rudimentary understanding of the inherent dangers of allowing a monopolised system to exploit its users, yo.”
Recently, I released my second novel, which retails for $17.95 RRP. I decided that for copies sold via my website I would incorporate the $3 packaging and posting cost into a $19.95 bundle so that it could come in at slightly less than a $20 note, or the cost of ten packs of tim-tams (units of tim tams are how I calculate the vast majority of my financial transactions, much to the chagrin of my accountant.)
+ 
= 
OR 
x 10
I realise now that this is insane. I mean, by way of contrast, for you to send 1 000 tickets would cost you $0 and earn $7 600, whereas to ship 1 000 of my books would cost $3 000 and earn me $ 3000 thus making a profit of zero. Inspired by your daylight robbery entrepreneurial spirit , I have some suggestions for further business innovations:
1 Have you thought of charging your customers for the air that they will be breathing at the event? Clearly some people may be unhappy about this, but of course, they are always welcome to bring their own oxygen tanks!
2 How about charging the punters each time they go to the bathroom OR even better, a per minute fee? This would have the extra benefit of discouraging girls from spending hours in the bathroom discussing theoretical physics (I assume that’s why they spend so goddamn long in there?)
“So anyway, then I was all like, OMFG, if you can’t coalesce with me on Schrodinger’s Cat then we are NEVER going to see eye to eye on the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox! It’s totes OVER!”
3 Finally, what about charging a small fee to people walking past your venues and overhearing your events? I mean, those parasitical bastards are benefitting from your entertainment events and paying nothing!
Thanks for your time and keep up the great work.
Swarm Regards,
J. M. Donellan
PS I have charged you $7.60 to receive this email. My invoice is attached. Payment is due within 7 days.
