Joshua Donellan's Blog: JM Donellan's substack, page 11
September 16, 2013
Fan art
Fan art by Josh from The Southport School
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ATTN: THE UNIVERSE! ZEB IS HERE! Illustrator acquired! If loving you is wrong, I'd like to be partially incorrect. Growing pains. Copyright © JM Donellan [Fan art], All Right Reserved. 2013.
August 28, 2013
Don’t ever contact me again for any reason including the apocalypse.
Dear Teresa,
After receiving personally addressed but entirely unsolicited mail from your office for the third time, I decided I would send you a polite request to never again send me any kind of communication at all, ever. This includes, but is not limited to, letters, phone calls, text messages, morse code, Da Vinci code, TV advertisements, billboards, semaphore, smoke signals, interpretative dance, gorilla grams, messages in bottles, tiny holograms delivered via droids, messenger pigeons and rickrolls.
Even if some bizarrely selective cataclysm destroys all human life on earth except for me and you, I still don’t want to hear from you. I’ll be quite busy enjoying my post-apocalyptic life by growing a prodigious beard and staging a production of Streetcar Named Desire with a cast of rats and possums, thank you very much. And no, you are not invited to the premiere.
You want me to vote for your party. I get it. But unfortunately, this is impossible due to the fact that I have:
a) a conscience
b) a brain and
c) access to trustworthy news services that are not owned by Rupert Overfiend Murdoch
STOP THE BOATS! Except for the ones trawling the ocean. We like those ones.
Also, just a quiet word of advice from a fellow epistolarian, starting your letters with ‘the last few years have not been easy, particularly for local people’ in fucking Paddington is a bit rich. Round this neck of the woods you can’t spit without inadvertently hitting an antique shop, designer clothing store or obscenely tacky and overpriced seafood restaurant.
If you’re going to make comments like “immigrants should learn to wear deodorant, queue correctly and speak English in order to deal with racism“, then you’ve got about as much chance of getting my vote as I have of winning a gold medal for dressage whilst simultaneously reading War and Peace in the original Russian, preparing crème brûlée and reformatting my hard drive.*
In conclusion:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SENDING ME MAIL NOTHING ON EARTH WILL EVER CONVINCE ME TO VOTE FOR YOU AND YOUR TEAM OF VERMICULAR, SOULLESS CRETINS.
Swarm Regards,
JM Donellan
* Have you ever tried reformatting a hard drive? It’s really hard.
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Ain't no party like a launch party Jerks vs. the internet Love letters to corporations episode #6 Illustrator acquired! CARAVAGGIO. ORWELL. ABORTION. XBOX.Copyright © JM Donellan [Don't ever contact me again for any reason including the apocalypse.], All Right Reserved. 2013.August 18, 2013
Tony Abbott’s morning schedule
6.30 Tony is awakened by the sounds of the dozens of minimum wage employees that he keeps in a cage in his quarters gnashing their teeth and wailing. He throws them a few chunks of bread and a splash of water, chuckling as he tells them that if they’re good, more should ‘trickle down’ later on. He showers and sprays himself with a custom made cologne synthesised from the tears of illegally detained refugees before donning clothes manufactured by Chinese sweatshop orphan children.
6.45 Tony sits down to a breakfast of sausages made from specially selected beef that has been live exported all the way to Indonesia and then back again, just so he can truly savour the succulent flavour of its misery. This is accompanied by his favourite beverage, a warm glass of human blood blended with the sweat of overworked single mothers earning significantly less than their male counterparts.
7.00 Tony peruses his party’s digital interactions, both real and the other kind. Comments typically range from ‘you are a slimy, vermicular cretin who deserves to be beaten to death by a used dildo’ to ‘a bloody good bloke, I reckon.’ These two violently opposing views are a daily cause of confusion for Tony. Not least because, being no egghead, he finds the internet a very confusing place and often has to ask its inventor, Malcolm Turnbull, for guidance.
7.15 Tony plugs himself into a complex neurological datafeed system whereby the agendas of Rupert Murdoch, Gina Rinehart, Australian Christian Lobby Group and other vested interests of advantaged elite groups are channeled directly into his brain. The great number of commanding overloads constantly vying for control of his relentlessly sneering facial orifice creates something of a problem however, as his subjugated will often struggles to figure out which agenda to foremost represent. This, clearly, is the explanation for his famed interview habit of pausing for periods of time roughly equivalent to the life cycle of the common fruit fly.
7.45 Tony spends twenty minutes on the treadmill with a picture of Katy Perry on a screen in front of him, so that he can stay budgie smuggler body fit. His minder’s initial concerns that he would figure out that the image was a mere reproduction and not actually Katy Perry have long since faded. Tony tirelessly trots towards the vapid pop star who, despite being about as clever and interesting as a bowl of soggy Weet-bix, still appears to be able to defeat him in verbal combat on the matter of gay marriage.
8.05 Tony selects a leisure activity, either burning photos of gay couples that he continues to vehemently deny the right to be married or, if he’s feeling frisky, a good ol’ fashioned round of puppy kicking.
8.20 Finally, he completes his morning ritual by sacrificing a union leader to Cthulu. Although he is already allied to Newscorp, Big Coal, Big Oil, Weiland-Yutani, Monsanto, Wolfram & Hart, Lexcorp, Voldemort, the Devil, Cyberdyne and the Soylent Corporation, Abbott is a man who likes to hedge his bets.
8.30 It’s time for Tony Abbott to go to work! Another day of sleeping through key votes, making verbal gaffes so embarrassing that they make international news, getting thrown out of parliament and failing to kiss babies (a task that is literally easier than taking candy from said babies). Yes, it’s time for Tony to start his busy day as the leader of the Liberal Party. An actual job that he actually has in real life, surely the most ridiculous and terrifying thing on here.
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People often ask me: "What is the worst album you've ever reviewed?" Here is the answer. ULTIMATE COLLABORATIONS Contrary to popular belief, I have not actually been eaten by a rabid bear. Dearest Ministers of Education: please buy 2 million copies of Zeb and the Great Ruckus. Copyright © JM Donellan [Tony Abbott's morning schedule], All Right Reserved. 2013.August 5, 2013
Internet dating
Hello there potential lover. I hope that you are having a nice day.
Recently I broke up with the most amazing girl in the world, thus obliterating my last remaining vestiges of belief in the existence of real and eternal love. As a result, I am now resigning myself to what my generation refers to as ‘settling’ and what previous generations have referred to as ‘You will marry that man or get thee to a nunnery!’
My ideal relationship at this point would be with pretty much anyone who will listen to my long-winded explanations of why Freaks and Geeks is a chronically underrated show and also allow me to touch their boobs on a semi-regular basis. However, I am also open to considering acting as a beard for an attractive lesbian, or the arm candy of a very rich psychopath who is incapable of emotion and affection but requires a partner to attend fancy galas with.
Preferably I would like to date someone who is extremely similar to Fiona Apple or, alternatively, is actually Fiona Apple. This could also include anyone who is some sort of semi-professional Fiona Apple look alike or anyone who is willing to wear a wig and lipsync to her seminal album ‘Tidal’ in full.
Here is a video of Zack Galifinakis lip syncing to one of her songs if you want to start practising. (Note: I would prefer if you did not physically resemble Zack Galifinakis).
Here are some reasons why you should date me:
1 I know how to use grammar correctly. This alone separates me from about 97.5% of the other guys on the internet. (I’m not kidding. Go take a look around if you don’t believe me).
2 I travel a lot, which means that if you grow tired of me you will have access to lengthy periods of respite and will be able to easily conduct the kind of steamy affairs that happen in Harlequin romance novels. I am a writer by trade, but I have never written a romance novel, despite the fact that when my accountant viewed my last tax return he seriously recommended it.
I’m confused, is he wearing a hat because he is concerned about sun protection? Because if so why is he not wearing a shirt and applying oil to his rippling torso? Surely a guy that dumb can’t actually be a member of Texas special ops. This whole premise seems implausible!
3 I am very honest.
4 I am a terrible cook. I realise that this is not a particularly admirable feature but it is listed here for the purposes of demonstrating the above desirable quality. Although I did once have a friend ‘ghost-cook’ a meal for a date that I had over and then pretended that I cooked it myself so that pretty much invalidates the aforementioned.
5 I can speak Spanish. I mean, not enough to comfortably engage in a debate on the virtues of Kierkegaardian philosophy in a post-modern capitalist paradigm. But I can order beers and explain to Ecuadorian drug lords why they really shouldn’t kill me because seriously Carlos I honestly didn’t know that the girl I was dancing with was your fiancé and plus it’s a masquerade so honestly I feel like that gets me a pass for sure, right?
If there are any skills or attributes that you desire in a partner that are not listed here I will consider acquiring them so long as the appropriate ‘Complete Idiot’s Guide’ is available and the skill or attribute in question can be mastered within a few weeks of low level practice, allowing plenty of time for napping and video games.
If you like the sounds of any or all of the above then congratulations! You are the proud owner of 1 x date with JM Donellan at a time and location of your choosing. As long as the location is the weird Chinese restaurant out the back of the Laundromat on Adelaide St and the time is Tuesday afternoons between 5 and 6 on when the manager isn’t there so friend Zhang can sneak us free food which may or may not have someone’s hair in it.
This is not a photo of me, it is a photo of famous actor and popular internet meme Ryan Gosling. He apparently has magical powers over women and I am hoping that by showing his picture on my profile I will create what advertisers refer to as ‘positive brand association.’
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VAMPIRES, ROCKSTARS, TWITTER AND MY BOOK (WHICH MENTIONS NONE OF THESE). THE GREATEST COMPETITION OF ALL TIME Dearest Academy Floral OR STFU Valentine's day ART, FICTION, FASHIONISTAS Gatsby 8 bitCopyright © JM Donellan [Internet dating], All Right Reserved. 2013.July 26, 2013
Editing advice.
One question I get asked a lot is ‘What advice do you have for someone writing their first book?’ I guess the main thing would be, however long you think it’s going to take to edit your novel, add 20%. Then double it. Then multiply that by ten (million). Then triple it. Then yell out the window like some kind of lunatic, before running around the room slamming your hands against your head. Then take a nap. When you wake up, you should be comfortable in the fact that what you are doing with your life is really weird. If you can’t do this, you may be more comfortable in a more ordinary occupation (like lion taming or extreme sports calendar modelling).
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INAPPROPRIATE SHARE HOUSE BEHAVIOUR Chali 2na at the BNE hifi reviewed for Rave magazine Dying's 1st birthdayCopyright © JM Donellan [Editing advice. ], All Right Reserved. 2013.July 22, 2013
Love Letter to Lisbon (OR Art in the Time of Recession).
Recently I was travelling with an economist, an artist and a doctor. I know that sounds like the set up for a joke, but it’s actually just the first sentence of a love letter. (Or possibly essay. Or a tweet in need of serious editing, I don’t know you, read it and let me know). One morning over breakfast in our temporary Lisbon apartment in the heart of the thriving night life district Bairro Alto, Gretchen (the economist) turned to me and said “I don’t get it. This country is in recession. But there’s art everywhere. There’s all these concerts and festivals. How can they afford to pay artists? Why are artists still working?”
I told her that artists are, in a sense, recession proof. But only in the sense that for most of us what we earn from our art in our best years is what many people in professional jobs would earn in a couple of weeks. Also no benefits. Or rehearsal time. Or sick pay. Or company car. (All this and people STILL want you to work for free all the time.) In the same way that once you’ve jumped in a pool, a little rain isn’t going to bother you, if you’re used to being poor, then (on the individual level) a recession is basically just maintaining the status quo.
Secondly, artists love what they do and will always find creative ways to make their projects happen with limited resources. I know plenty of doctors and lawyers and teachers and chefs who love their jobs too, but most artists have the added benefit of being able to do things on their own terms. I was reading an article recently that advocated the arts in education and one of the key points it made was that artists are resourceful and innovative. They are used to doing things on limited budgets. Sometimes when I work as a creative advisor for commercial companies I have to keep myself from laughing because it takes them twenty times the cost and a hundred times as much paperwork to achieve what I’ve seen friends do on a shoestring budget in their spare time.
Here in Lisbon, I’ve seen abandoned buildings (and there are a lot of them) turned into things of beauty. Three storey murals, prisons turned into art galleries, rubbish bins used as canvases, markets turned into concert venues and a bank turned into a design museum. This last one was my favourite, walking through a two foot thick steel vault door to be surrounded by thousands of tiny boxes that once held immeasurable wealth but now served as a backdrop for art and design felt like stepping inside of some kind of post-capitalist art utopia. Entry was free, by the way.
There are statues of poets all over the place, people shove tiny boats on top of light poles for no apparent reason and music fills the air (Lisbon has a distinct style of music called Fado which is recognised by UNESCO as an intangible cultural heritage of humanity). But more than any of these logical, rational arguments, the real answer is that in times of crisis, people need hope, they need comfort, and they need escape. Art can give you all of this and more, sometimes all in one serve. We shouldn’t be asking ‘why are people still making art in a recession?’ we should be asking ‘why does it take a recession to make us realise the value of art?’
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A human writes about human rights. Dying's 1st birthday My Dearest Target 4C arts collective: Thank you and goodnight. Copyright © JM Donellan [Love Letter to Lisbon (OR Art in the Time of Recession).], All Right Reserved. 2013.May 4, 2013
Growing pains.
What did you want to grow up to be when you were a kid? Astronaut? Breakdancer? Ninja? I wanted to be a writer, and I got that, so yay me. But I also wanted to own a jetpack and be best friends with Michael Jordan. I’m sad to say my current mode of transportation is a very beaten up Ford Festiva and the only correspondence I’ve had with Mr. Jordan is a letter from his lawyer telling me to cease and desist.
Sometimes growing up is hard, sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes funny, and sometimes it involves standing in front of a crowd of strangers and explaining why it’s hard, awkward and funny. I’ll be doing just that as part of a show called Growing Pains I’ve put together with Martin Ingle, Jo Sri and Vuong Pham. I’m very honoured to be in such obscenely talented company, I’m a huge fan of their work as poets, filmmakers, musicians and general rapscallions and I’m immensely proud of the show we’ve put together.
I’d really love to yell some words at you and share a few more words and a drink after. Please be aware we are only doing two small capacity shows. So if you want to come, you’d better click quick (facebook event is here).
Anywhere Theatre Festival is one of my favourite festivals I’ve been to in all the world. If you can’t get to our show, definitely check out the schedule and get along to one of the amazing events all over this beautiful city.
PS
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UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 2 7 Best Writing Albums Why I Hate Pandas Literally the ugliest thing ever built in all of human history Birthday letter to the queen by Jake Marshall Dunhill, grade 2Copyright © JM Donellan [Growing pains. ], All Right Reserved. 2013.April 28, 2013
A story, an experiment.
I’d like you to be part of an experiment please. Don’t worry, it’s not one of those crazy ones where they inject you with an unstable chemical compound or see what happens when you mix human and reptile DNA or anything like that. Anyone who’s ever read sci-fi knows that’s never a good idea. Unless you like reptilian overlords, in which case it is the BEST idea.
Lizard DNA + you = bad day at the office.
What I’d like you to do is read a story. See, that’s no bad is it? Reading stories is what smart, attractive and charismatic people do for fun after all. This one’s only 9 pages long. Yes, I know, you’re on the internet, you want to be reading three articles at once whilst simultaneously listening to a podcast about comedians who moonlight as astrophysicists and watching a youtube video about a cat on a skateboard lip syncing to George Michael, but just download the damn story and focus on one single thing for a few minutes. It’ll be good for you: ARTEFACTS & UPGRADES.
When you’ve read it, scroll down below. I have a little question I’d like to ask you…
Did you actually read it?
Are you sure?
Alright then. Let’s talk about sex, by which I mean gender. You may have noticed that neither of the central characters in that story had a specific gender. I gave them (as well as the narrator’s partner, Riley) gender-neutral names and avoided the use of gender specific pronouns altogether. What I’d like to know is: What sex did you assume the two main characters were and why? You can leave your comments below, email me (jmdonellanATgmailDOTcom) or tweet me (@jmdonellan).
Some of the content in this story is based on the real life biohacker Lepht Anonym, who does not identify as either male or female. He/she is one of many real life DIY ‘transhumanists‘ or ‘grinders‘ who have implanted themselves with various devices such as the discussed rare earth magnet and RFID tag. Also, an interesting sidenote; when Charlotte Bronte released Jane Eyre under the male pseudonym Currer Bell, a female literary critic said that ‘Currer’ had no idea about women and that a real woman would never be so headstrong and forthright. Boy must her face have been red when she watched this video:
PS If you’re sitting there thinking ‘Do we really need do whine about gender issues in 2013? Didn’t we, like, fix gender equality and racism and save the whales back in ’98 or something?’ then you should probably watch this ad for the new season of Masterchef…be warned, it will make you want to punch things.
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day one. Eighty Nine book trailer A BOOK. ITS COVER.Copyright © JM Donellan [A story, an experiment. ], All Right Reserved. 2013.April 4, 2013
Love Letter To Brisbane pt 1: Books & Bars
Listen, here’s the thing; I love this city, and feel like a lot of people overlook the good things in their own cities and spend too much time complaining about the traffic and such. So I’m going to put together a couple of posts celebrating some of my favourite things about Brisbane, starting with this one about bookstores and bars. Some of them will be obvious and well known, others a little more hidden away. I hope you enjoy this little list, and maybe try and check out a few new places. Or contact me with other suggestions!
BOOKS
ATAVIST Fortitude Valley
Located at the end of a little lane behind one of my favourite venues, the Zoo, the design of this ultra-compact bookstore is so adorable it almost defies the laws of physics. Also conveniently located near the fabulous Flamingo Cafe, so you can enjoy delicious coffee with your newly acquired and equally delicious books.
AVID READER West End
Famous for supporting local and Australian authors with events in its charming courtyard. Their selection is incredible and as an added bonus some of Brisbane’s best authors can often be find smiling at you from behind the cash register.
BLACK CAT BOOKS Paddington
These guys have been very good to me over the years. I had the launch for Zeb and the Great Ruckus there last year and I’ve been part of some of their other author events as well. Also I just joined their book club, which is a great little group (people who talk about books, that’s my kind of people). The cafe, hidden down a little set of stairs behind the many bookshelves, has an amazing garden and the staff here know all of the things. Excellent selection of children’s books as well.
Ashgrove
I love this place. I used to live up the road and I knew any day of the week I could stroll in there with a few gold coins and walk out with a work of genius. The store itself is small but you can request just about anything and they’ll order it in from their mammoth warehouse collection. Also, the mural on the side of the wall is magnificent.
RIVERBEND Bulimba
I don’t get here nearly as often as I should, because it’s on the other side of town, but the staff here have an encyclopaedic knowledge of literature and they host a lot of wonderful author events. The cafe is marvellous and has a great street view of the bustling streets of Bulimba.
Further reading: Bent Books, Archives, Mary Ryan’s, Pulp Fiction, Coaldrake’s, Folio, Comics Etc.
BARS
Brisbane is pretty big on venues that are equal parts bar/restaurant/cafe/performance venue, especially around West End, so some of these may fall slightly more into one of the aforementioned categories. It’s not unusual to find a place that’s great for a quiet coffee at 9am hosting a twelve piece Soul revival band at 9pm.
BLACK BEAR LODGE Fortitude Valley
The venue formerly known as the Troubador had an extensive renovation a couple of years back and is now larger and even more amazing. Lots of soft lighting and vintage design, extensive cocktail list and a consistently excellent selection of bands lighting up the stage. The last gig I saw here was New Orleans street jazz band Tuba Skinny, and it was one of my favourite gigs of the year so far.
THE HIDEAWAY Fortitude Valley
A gorgeous small venue that offers a usually quieter alternative to the Valley’s sometimes overwhelming nightlife scene, although they do also host some great rock acts on the weekend. The house ale is superb, and the staff are all very friendly. One of the best bars in town for people like to actually enjoy a conversation with their evening beverage. “WHAT?”
“I SAID: IT’S ONE OF THE BEST -”
“WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THIS MASHUP OF DAVID BOWIE AND MILEY CYRUS BEING PLAYED AT EARSPLITTING VOLUME”
“I SAID: IT’S ONE OF THE BEST-”
“STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU. WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITTY SUPERCLUB AND TO THE HIDEAWAY INSTEAD?”
Ashgrove
I’ve been on a lot of dates here, and even when the date in question is disappointed by me they’re always impressed by the bar, so, you know… Junk bar is damn near impossible to beat in terms of both ambience and service and the cocktail menu is inventive and original. Plus the owners love music with all of their hearts and most of their kidneys. Great vinyl selection.
SOUTHSIDE TEA ROOM Morningside
Run by old housemate (perhaps slightly better known as Patience of the Grates) and her partner John, Southside is eclectic and eccentric. They host everything from Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart tournaments (way more fun than watching a boxing match, so much more YELLING!) to gigs, craft nights, pop up shops, clothes swaps and trivia. Well worth checking the calendar to see what’s on, or maybe just roll the dice and show up to find out what crazy shenanigans are taking place.
THE WAITING ROOM West End
I have a special fondness for the Waiting Room, as it more or less exemplifies the DIY spirit of the Brissie music scene. The venue (and recording studio) is quite literally the living room of someone’s house that runs as a BYO (!) performance space and recording studio. The selection of bands is always sensational and encompasses a broad range of styles and genres. One of my favourite local bands Ghost Notes recorded their spectacular live album here last year. Being broke is no excuse for not seeing great live music! Many of the gigs here are as little as $10, and when you can bring your own beer and leave the mess for someone else to clean up, well, that’s a lot smarter than sitting at home and drinking on the couch. Also, for those looking to record or rehearse, Cam is something of a local wizard and has produced a slew of great local acts.
Further drinking: The Zoo, Rumpus Room, The End, The Box, Supermetro, Brew, The Scratch
NEXT WEEK (OR WHENEVER I GET AROUND TO IT): Cafes and Theatres
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Illustrator acquired! Inaugural Premier's Obituary Award "Look ma, I got a book deal!" FOR SALE: 1 x reincarnation of historical figure Franz Ferdinand.Copyright © JM Donellan [Love Letter To Brisbane pt 1: Books & Bars], All Right Reserved. 2013.
April 1, 2013
4C arts collective: Thank you and goodnight.
Listen, internet. Sometimes good things happen. Sometimes these things last a day, or week, or a few years or even longer still. Sometimes they last for too long, sometimes for not long enough and sometimes just the right amount.
When the things in question end you basically have three options; be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened, or create some kind of immersive virtual reality simulator that will allow you to experience the good things in question in uninterrupted perpetuity, perhaps with cool additions like jetpacks and ninja waiters. Since option #3 is still impossible (hurry up science!) in this instance I am choosing option #2.
Some years ago my friends and I formed a revolving cast of artists, actors, thinkers, drinkers, dancers, philanthropists, philosophers, rapscallions and general ne’er do wells known as the 4c arts collective. Over the course of several years we threw the greatest parties in history (yes alright perhaps that’s a touch hyperbolic, but seriously, they were fucking amazing, Andy Warhol would have gone home crying into his coca-cola with envy) and raised thousands upon thousands of dollars for various charitable causes ranging from the Women’s Legal Service to the environmental activism group Six Degrees. And damn, did we have a good time doing it.
We’re using the last of our funds to make sizeable donations to 4zzz and the Queensland Literary Awards, two of QLD’s most important grass roots arts organisations.
Thanks to all of the amazing people that made this dream a reality. If you danced, drank, donated, collaborated, osculated (look it up) or in any other way participated then we love you times infinity billion.
PS
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Cut Chemist @ BNE Hi Fi reviewed for Rave magazine How To Do Your Xmas Shopping Without Losing Your Will To Live "Look ma, I got a book deal!" Copyright © JM Donellan [4C arts collective: Thank you and goodnight. ], All Right Reserved. 2013.
