Kay Wall's Blog, page 9

Rugby golf

Golf could take a lesson from rugby when it comes to penalties, ie you should be allowed to kick the ball and if you get it out of trouble, you get an extra 3 stableford points. Or, if it's matchplay or nett, you're allowed to take three off your score. After all, the player has been penalised enough already just by the fact that they've hit the ball into an unplayable position. And, considering how most amateurs play shots from almost impossible positions, they'd be much better off using their foot than their club.
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More distance lesson

Gave a lesson today to someone who has lost a lot of distance. The first thing I fixed was her alignment. Then her grip. Then I told her to make sure her right arm was straight through impact. She took all that in and then swang. Looked great. But it was an airshot. "What have you done to me?" she screamed. "Now I've lost even more distance!" "Ah," I replied, "but now that I've instilled the airshot, every time you get club on ball you'll have increased your distance hugely."
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Golf for Insomniacs

I've just finished a research project in which I've proved that the best cure for insomnia is reading the Rules of Golf. I studied 20 insomniacs, 10 of whom were golfers and 10 who weren't. Interestingly, the non-golfers always got further through The Book than the golfers, managing to read up to rule 27, ball lost OB, before falling asleep.
Golfers never got past rule 17, ball striking flagstick, at which point they swear and heave The Book aside. Then they throw anything else they can get their hands on and exert such effort that they fall asleep exhausted. I suspect this is why they only give out paperback editions. Given the frequency with which The Book is thrown (even by non- insomniacs) a hardback edition would never last.
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Location:Gordon St,Dannevirke,New Zealand

Avoiding Water

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
The third hole at our course is a short par 3 (100 metres) over water. Last week the three people I played with had to act quickly to stop me from leaping into the water and drowning myself, after I put my tee shot into the pond for the 67th time in a row. As usual, my next shot soared majestically into the air and came down in the middle of the green, just 20 ft from the hole and I 2-putted for a 5. I am sunk in the depths of despair, as I have teed off with a variety of clubs (played full, three quarter, and half shots) and always got the same result. Can you help me?
B A Plonker
Dear Mr Plonker
Certainly I can help you. Wait until your fellow players are looking the other way and then leap into the water. You could also adapt Virginia Woolf's method and fill your pockets with golf balls (she used stones) to help you sink quicker. Alternatively, you could change your pre-shot routine so that you have better thoughts when you address the ball. Next time you play the hole, take with you the most expensive new golf ball you can buy. Go on to the tee and hurl that ball into the middle of the pond. This will re-create the crestfallen feeling you get after your shot has gone in the water. This is most important because your brain associates that feeling with what comes immediately before a good shot. Tee off immediately and you will hit the green in one, instead of three.


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Golf more for good health

If you want to have a healthy retirement you need to start preparing early. While still in the womb is best, but if you're not an early adopter, any time after birth is good. And it turns out that golfing can help, by building up your vitamin D levels, which guards against osteoporosis. Sunshine is the best way to boost your levels, unless you fancy dining on oily fish and eggs 24/7. So if you have an inside job, you owe it to your boss to work less and golf more, thereby greatly reducing your risk of fractures at work. However, you may have to modify the way you play 18 holes because if it's summer you need to play before 9.00 or after 5.00. If you don't like really early mornings, you're going to have to play 9 holes and then have a very long lunch and play the rest of the round after 5.00. That could eat into your happy hour time, although most bags have chilly-bag pockets if you need to carry supplies. If you have to play in the heat of the day, you're faced with a dilemma. If you use sunscreen, you won't get any vitamin D. If you don't use sunscreen you'll look like you're retirement age when you're only 30. And this is where golf is better than any other outdoor sport. 98 percent of golfers spend 97 percent of their time in or under the 'protection' of trees. (While the cliche says trees are 90 percent air, 100 percent of golfers who try to hit out/around/through trees, hit branches 110 percent of the time.(Yes, I failed maths.)) Hence, you're only going to be out in the sun while you're driving and putting (see my tips on Youtube to minimise those times) and possibly when walking between holes. So, as long as you don't play at a links course and you're not one of those really irritating men who marks their card on the green, the sun is your friend.


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Crafar farms golf course

I recently interviewed the CEO of a group of kiwi investors who are bidding against the Chinese for the Crafar farms. Fred, the CEO, says his group are going to combine dairying with golf. "It's worked with sheep so I don't see why it won't work with cows." Well, I pointed out, it's a lot easier to hit over sheep than cows and sheep manure isn't so...obtrusive. Fred brushed my points aside. "Look, golf clubs are struggling because membership is dropping. Golfers don't need all that land to themselves - they can share it with the cows. And we all know there's way more money in dairy than sheep." I mentioned that they'd need high electric fences around the greens. "No problem," said Fred, "cattle stops will ensure easy access for golfers." He held up his hand as I opened my mouth. "Each cattle stop will have a ball retriever." I wondered where they'd place the clubhouse. "The golfers can share our cowshed. In fact, they might want to help milk. It would strengthen their wrists." Then I mentioned that to get milk you needed bulls. Was management going to ban red clothes? "That's our top selling point," smiled Fred. "We guarantee that the bulls mean there'll be no such thing as slow play on our dairying golf courses." Finally, Fred had won me over.


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Chin up!

While having five chins helps keep your head down, they can be a hindrance when it comes to matchplay, in which you've got to be poker-faced. Because the last thing you want to do is let your opponent know that they're getting to you. If you're down, it's hard to disguise chin trembling when you've got more than one.


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Golf diet

Had a dreadful round today but have mixed feelings about it. Obviously the grated parmesan wasn't the secret of yesterday's success, so I'll never again have to have it on my cereal. So that's good. However, that means yesterday's brilliant short game wasn't due to my diet. So that's bad, because it means I'll have to put some work into my game and practice. Unless the difference was the milk in my coffee, which came from the farm vat rather than the supermarket. And with it being Easter, I had upped my quota of chocolate... I'm sure I'm on to something with this short-game diet. I'm certain chocolate and full-cream milk would help keep your head down. Five chins must make a difference.


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Best food for golf

Had my best round in a month yesterday with an 81 at Levin. What did I do different? Well, I had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast which isn't too different but I used a slightly different recipe. This time I added grated parmesan just before the eggs set. And my short game was much better. Adding parmesan cheese is a hell of a lot easier than getting off my bum to practice chipping and putting so I'll see if it works tomorrow. Trouble is, I've run out of eggs and I'm not too sure about grated cheese on my cereal.


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Inspired by the Masters

Whenever I watch one of the majors on TV, I go out the next day inspired to play well. I look at our first hole. Our tee looks like their first cut of rough. Our fairway looks like their second cut of rough. Our green looks like their fairway, but not as smooth. And then I swing. And I say, "That looks like the swing of a pro, doesn't it?" And my partner says, "Yes, Arnold Palmer's."


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