Kay Wall's Blog, page 7
May 13, 2012
Kevin Na Whiff Fix
Golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical ... unless you're Kevin Na and then it's 99 percent mental and 1 percent physical.
So, what Kevin Na needs to do is switch those stats around and completely rely on muscle memory. (Amateurs can't do this because their muscle memory is actually muscle nightmare.)
As a pro, Kevin can learn to rely completely on his body and thereby bypass his brain. Yoga chanting works for some people, but isn't good for golfers because sitting cross legged inhibits the swing.
Drugs and alcohol shut the brain down but make the swing sloppy, so we can take them off the list.
What Kevin needs to do is remember as far back in his childhood as he can. What calmed his fears way back then?
You got it - his mother.
Until Kevin makes his mother his caddy, he's doomed to whiff.
Or he could try this: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq3NDTcx6D8
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So, what Kevin Na needs to do is switch those stats around and completely rely on muscle memory. (Amateurs can't do this because their muscle memory is actually muscle nightmare.)
As a pro, Kevin can learn to rely completely on his body and thereby bypass his brain. Yoga chanting works for some people, but isn't good for golfers because sitting cross legged inhibits the swing.
Drugs and alcohol shut the brain down but make the swing sloppy, so we can take them off the list.
What Kevin needs to do is remember as far back in his childhood as he can. What calmed his fears way back then?
You got it - his mother.
Until Kevin makes his mother his caddy, he's doomed to whiff.
Or he could try this: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq3NDTcx6D8
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
May 11, 2012
Predicting your Golf Through Oomancy
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I recently went to a golf pro who told me that if I bought his book, 'Golfing Better with Oomancy', I'd play better because I'd know what to concentrate on. The book costs $99.99 so I want an independant opinion before I buy it. And I was hoping you could tell me, what is oomancy?
Dear Predicting
Oomancy is predicting the future through egg whites, and provides yet another reason for buying only free-range eggs. Factory farmed eggs are not only an abomination because of the gross cruelty inflicted to produce them, but they're also the reason that oomancy is seldom practiced any more. The whites are so runny that it appears every shot will end up in the water ... even on courses that don't have any water.
I've read your so-called 'pro's' book and I can confidently state that he is a charlatan. He says you should fry your eggs if you're playing a links course, poach them if it's a resort course and boil them for predictions on a parklands course.
Any oomancer worth their salt knows that you have to read uncooked eggs.
They also know that oomancy takes decades of practice to predict something as complex as golf problems.
You'd be better off reading chicken entrails.
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
I recently went to a golf pro who told me that if I bought his book, 'Golfing Better with Oomancy', I'd play better because I'd know what to concentrate on. The book costs $99.99 so I want an independant opinion before I buy it. And I was hoping you could tell me, what is oomancy?
Dear Predicting
Oomancy is predicting the future through egg whites, and provides yet another reason for buying only free-range eggs. Factory farmed eggs are not only an abomination because of the gross cruelty inflicted to produce them, but they're also the reason that oomancy is seldom practiced any more. The whites are so runny that it appears every shot will end up in the water ... even on courses that don't have any water.
I've read your so-called 'pro's' book and I can confidently state that he is a charlatan. He says you should fry your eggs if you're playing a links course, poach them if it's a resort course and boil them for predictions on a parklands course.
Any oomancer worth their salt knows that you have to read uncooked eggs.
They also know that oomancy takes decades of practice to predict something as complex as golf problems.
You'd be better off reading chicken entrails.
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
May 10, 2012
DNF Golfers
There was a playoff today at New Zealand's most prestigious tournament. The field started off with 120 competitors but by the fourth day, only ten players remained. Sixty seven pulled out on the first day, citing "personal reasons". They had all scored from 10 to 20 over par but insisted the score was irrelevant - their grandmothers had died.
Not since the Big Bad Wolf, had their been such a bad time for grandmas.
On the second day of the tournament, thirty three players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". All after scoring 9 on a par 3. "The score was irrelevant," they insisted. "I sprained my wrist/strained my Achilles'/broke my fingernail."
Not since the first marathon have masseurs been so busy.
On the third day, 10 more players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". They'd all scored quintuple bogeys on the last hole but insisted that was irrelevant. "I'm very attached to my caddy," they all asserted. "I can't believe he didn't duck quicker. I couldn't possibly play a round without him."
Not since resort courses were invented have golf cart manufacturers been so busy.
On the fourth day officials lined every fairway, pitchforks in hand. The remaining ten golfers asked why.
"This is New Zealand," the officials replied, "we're not allowed guns."
Nobody pulled out and after 72 holes two players were tied at even par. The other eight golfers tested the sharpness of the pitchforks and then decided to stay and watch.
Jack Aspinwald beat Ginger Booderra by birdying the first hole.
Unfortunately, he couldn't stay for prizegiving, citing "personal reasons".
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
Not since the Big Bad Wolf, had their been such a bad time for grandmas.
On the second day of the tournament, thirty three players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". All after scoring 9 on a par 3. "The score was irrelevant," they insisted. "I sprained my wrist/strained my Achilles'/broke my fingernail."
Not since the first marathon have masseurs been so busy.
On the third day, 10 more players pulled out, citing "personal reasons". They'd all scored quintuple bogeys on the last hole but insisted that was irrelevant. "I'm very attached to my caddy," they all asserted. "I can't believe he didn't duck quicker. I couldn't possibly play a round without him."
Not since resort courses were invented have golf cart manufacturers been so busy.
On the fourth day officials lined every fairway, pitchforks in hand. The remaining ten golfers asked why.
"This is New Zealand," the officials replied, "we're not allowed guns."
Nobody pulled out and after 72 holes two players were tied at even par. The other eight golfers tested the sharpness of the pitchforks and then decided to stay and watch.
Jack Aspinwald beat Ginger Booderra by birdying the first hole.
Unfortunately, he couldn't stay for prizegiving, citing "personal reasons".
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
May 9, 2012
17th hole at TPC Sawgrass
The 17th hole at The Players Championship is probably the most recognisable hole in professional golf. Most pros only use a wedge or a 9-iron, depending on wind, so why do so many of them come unstuck there?
Balls in water since 2007:
2007: 93
2008: 64
2009: 30
2010: 29
2011: 40
According to the golfer's bible, Agonisng Golf for Pros, it's because 99 percent of pros have absolutely no empathy for that which is the most precious thing to them.
Their golf ball.
Rather than focussing on their target or technical aspects of their swing, the pros should take the time to understand the hole from the ball's point of view. There it is, perched on a tee, with the crowd willing it to end up in the water. It's future depends on a golfer with sweaty palms and shaky nerves. Now if the pro could just channel that feeling, his brain would focus completely on the ball, and all the extraneous imaginings would disappear. He'd think only of the yardage and a solid strike.
So, how do the 99 percent of pros get that viewpoint?
Simple. In the practice round, they set up as if they're going to tee off but, instead of hitting the ball, they throw themselves in the water. Those who are serious about mastering the hole will do a couple of somersaults, for verisimilitude, before they hit the water.
The pro will stay under the water as long as they can hold their breath. (Ideally, they would take a long straw with them and stay under for half an hour, but play at that hole already takes too long).
They must then finish the hole, dripping wet.
The first pros to try this did it in 2008 and, as you can see from the table above, numbers of balls in the water dropped every year until 2011. That abberation was caused by the Players management telling the pros to take a long shower instead. Statistics show how unsuccessful that was.
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
Balls in water since 2007:
2007: 93
2008: 64
2009: 30
2010: 29
2011: 40
According to the golfer's bible, Agonisng Golf for Pros, it's because 99 percent of pros have absolutely no empathy for that which is the most precious thing to them.
Their golf ball.
Rather than focussing on their target or technical aspects of their swing, the pros should take the time to understand the hole from the ball's point of view. There it is, perched on a tee, with the crowd willing it to end up in the water. It's future depends on a golfer with sweaty palms and shaky nerves. Now if the pro could just channel that feeling, his brain would focus completely on the ball, and all the extraneous imaginings would disappear. He'd think only of the yardage and a solid strike.
So, how do the 99 percent of pros get that viewpoint?
Simple. In the practice round, they set up as if they're going to tee off but, instead of hitting the ball, they throw themselves in the water. Those who are serious about mastering the hole will do a couple of somersaults, for verisimilitude, before they hit the water.
The pro will stay under the water as long as they can hold their breath. (Ideally, they would take a long straw with them and stay under for half an hour, but play at that hole already takes too long).
They must then finish the hole, dripping wet.
The first pros to try this did it in 2008 and, as you can see from the table above, numbers of balls in the water dropped every year until 2011. That abberation was caused by the Players management telling the pros to take a long shower instead. Statistics show how unsuccessful that was.
Agonising Golf and More Agonising Golf ebooks available
from smashwords.com
May 8, 2012
Global Warming Golf
We all know that global warming means we shouldn't invest in coastal property, but what effect will it have on golfers?
Some have rejoiced in the fact that links golf will become a thing of the past. I happen to be a keen links golfer (trees belong in forests, not golf courses) so no rejoicing from me.
Basically, it comes down to two facts. Those who live in areas where rainfall will increase will have more water hazards, while those who golf in drying out areas had better get used to sand greens.
Those of you in wetter areas will have to get used to ponds where fairways used to be. Rough will consist of kelp and water weed. One huge consolation - no sand bunkers. So sell all your old sand wedges on Ebay now.
Struggling clubs will be able to farm fish as an additional income stream. Well placed whirlpools will rid the course of slow golfers, and provide a cheap fish food.
The drier conditions will be wonderful for golfers lamenting that they don't hit the ball as far as they used to. With fairways as hard as concrete, they'll be hitting the ball out of sight, (that's distance-wise rather than OB or into-the-rough-wise).
Dry area golfers will have more money to spend on green fees because they won't need to buy expensive wet weather gear. However, they should sell their shares in the golf umbrella company.
So the effect of global warming on golfers won't be all bad. In fact, it might even improve the hard luck stories at the 19th.
Some have rejoiced in the fact that links golf will become a thing of the past. I happen to be a keen links golfer (trees belong in forests, not golf courses) so no rejoicing from me.
Basically, it comes down to two facts. Those who live in areas where rainfall will increase will have more water hazards, while those who golf in drying out areas had better get used to sand greens.
Those of you in wetter areas will have to get used to ponds where fairways used to be. Rough will consist of kelp and water weed. One huge consolation - no sand bunkers. So sell all your old sand wedges on Ebay now.
Struggling clubs will be able to farm fish as an additional income stream. Well placed whirlpools will rid the course of slow golfers, and provide a cheap fish food.
The drier conditions will be wonderful for golfers lamenting that they don't hit the ball as far as they used to. With fairways as hard as concrete, they'll be hitting the ball out of sight, (that's distance-wise rather than OB or into-the-rough-wise).
Dry area golfers will have more money to spend on green fees because they won't need to buy expensive wet weather gear. However, they should sell their shares in the golf umbrella company.
So the effect of global warming on golfers won't be all bad. In fact, it might even improve the hard luck stories at the 19th.
May 7, 2012
Your Golf Swing is Decided in the Womb
Worldwide research has proven that obesity starts in the womb. Yes, it's all your mother's fault that you're a fat slob.
After discovering this, the researchers then went on to a far more important subject - could that wicked slice or duck-hook have also been ingrained whilst in the womb?
And the resounding answer is - yes! That lousy swing is all the fault of your mother, and the way she vacuumed.
New Zealand prenatal researchers studied 200 golfers and their mothers, focusing on housework. While other chores also had an effect on the child's golf, (those whose mothers packed the dishwasher methodically produced golfers who always put their clubs in their bags in numerical order), vacuuming proved to have the greatest effect.
Did she carefully go around all the furniture? If so, she'll have a child who has a solid swing and seldom goes off the fairway.
Did she crash into the table and chair legs? If so, that child will have a wild swing and spend all their time in the trees.
Then came the most vital piece of research. Did she use straight sweeps or curving motions? Those who predominantly curved to the left (and were right-handed) produced golfers who hooked, while those who went to the right (and were right-handed) produced slicers.
Those who hoped to overcome the effects by employing random motions with both hands produced the worst-afflicted offspring of all - they played croquet.
How can we ensure that this golfing malady is not passed on to future generations? It was suggested that all vacuum cleaners come with a sticker saying: “Vacuuming during pregnancy, even in small quantities, can have grave/serious consequences on the golf swing of the baby.”
As you'd expect, vacuum manufacturers refused to contemplate such a measure, pointing out that not every child would want to be a golfer.
"Well of course they won't," pointed out the chief researcher, "thanks to your implement blighting their young lives."
Unfortunately, the vacuum manufacturers are as influential as Sky City Casino lobbyists, so the government refused to make the warning stickers mandatory.
Fortunately, the researchers asked Ms Kallas-Way to help out.
"Simple," she said, "make sure the husband/father/partner does the vacuuming."
After discovering this, the researchers then went on to a far more important subject - could that wicked slice or duck-hook have also been ingrained whilst in the womb?
And the resounding answer is - yes! That lousy swing is all the fault of your mother, and the way she vacuumed.
New Zealand prenatal researchers studied 200 golfers and their mothers, focusing on housework. While other chores also had an effect on the child's golf, (those whose mothers packed the dishwasher methodically produced golfers who always put their clubs in their bags in numerical order), vacuuming proved to have the greatest effect.
Did she carefully go around all the furniture? If so, she'll have a child who has a solid swing and seldom goes off the fairway.
Did she crash into the table and chair legs? If so, that child will have a wild swing and spend all their time in the trees.
Then came the most vital piece of research. Did she use straight sweeps or curving motions? Those who predominantly curved to the left (and were right-handed) produced golfers who hooked, while those who went to the right (and were right-handed) produced slicers.
Those who hoped to overcome the effects by employing random motions with both hands produced the worst-afflicted offspring of all - they played croquet.
How can we ensure that this golfing malady is not passed on to future generations? It was suggested that all vacuum cleaners come with a sticker saying: “Vacuuming during pregnancy, even in small quantities, can have grave/serious consequences on the golf swing of the baby.”
As you'd expect, vacuum manufacturers refused to contemplate such a measure, pointing out that not every child would want to be a golfer.
"Well of course they won't," pointed out the chief researcher, "thanks to your implement blighting their young lives."
Unfortunately, the vacuum manufacturers are as influential as Sky City Casino lobbyists, so the government refused to make the warning stickers mandatory.
Fortunately, the researchers asked Ms Kallas-Way to help out.
"Simple," she said, "make sure the husband/father/partner does the vacuuming."
May 5, 2012
Moon's Effect on Golf
The moon tonight is closer to the Earth than usual so you'll need to take that into consideration if you're playing golf tomorrow. Under these conditions, weregolfers can appear during the day, as well as at night. And you'll need to be on your guard if you want to finish your round without getting your throat ripped out. Often the weregolfers look just like ordinary golfers. Both can foam at the mouth; both can howl at the sky during play; both can have whiskery jowls. But there's one sure way to know you're playing with a weregolfer and not a golfer. The weregolfer can't pull out the pin without peeing on it first.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
May 4, 2012
NZSO Golfers
Went to the NZSO last night. Great programme! Particularly enjoyed Schumann's Symphony No. 4. Decided the string section wouldn't make good golfers - their elbows fly all over the place. The conductor would be a poor putter - very jerky action. The brass section probably has the best technique - they keep their heads still. I was a bit grossed out by the way they shook saliva out of their instruments - something they've already got in common with Keegan Bradley.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
May 3, 2012
Beach Golf Practice
The advantages of practicing golf on the beach instead of the driving range:
1. You'll be more relaxed on the beach because it holds better memories.
2. When you hit it fat, you can pretend you were practicing long sand shots.
3. At last you can find out if you really will hit it better while wearing a bikini.
4. With a golf club in your hand, no one will make snide remarks about your bikini.
5. If practice is going poorly, you can drown your golf clubs in the sea.
6. If it's going really poorly, you can drown yourself in the sea.
7. When finished, you can attach your pitchmark repairer to your golf club and go spear fishing.
8. If you're a bully, you won't risk stubbing your toe.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
1. You'll be more relaxed on the beach because it holds better memories.
2. When you hit it fat, you can pretend you were practicing long sand shots.
3. At last you can find out if you really will hit it better while wearing a bikini.
4. With a golf club in your hand, no one will make snide remarks about your bikini.
5. If practice is going poorly, you can drown your golf clubs in the sea.
6. If it's going really poorly, you can drown yourself in the sea.
7. When finished, you can attach your pitchmark repairer to your golf club and go spear fishing.
8. If you're a bully, you won't risk stubbing your toe.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
May 2, 2012
Disqualification Golf Rule
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
Last week I played in the final of our club champs. On the 37th hole, my opponent spat on her ball to clean it. I immediately claimed the hole, and the match, by telling her that she'd breached Rule 5-2: Foreign Material. As she had not been born in New Zealand, her saliva was definitely foreign and she'd changed the ball's characteristics by applying it. Therefore, she was disqualified. We argued for the next half hour before she eventually gave in and muttered something about taking up croquet. I was right, wasn't I?
Dear Saliva
Rule 5-2 states: The ball the player plays must not have foreign material applied to it for the purpose of changing its characteristics.
The penalty is disqualification, so you got that part correct.
However, your interpretation may be incorrect. Did you ask for proof of your opponent's nationality? Although born overseas, she may have taken New Zealand nationality and so wasn't foreign. And, technically, if she was going through the citizenship process at the time of your match, she could have argued that she was more local than foreign.
Next time, insist on seeing proof of citizenship BEFORE you start your match.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Last week I played in the final of our club champs. On the 37th hole, my opponent spat on her ball to clean it. I immediately claimed the hole, and the match, by telling her that she'd breached Rule 5-2: Foreign Material. As she had not been born in New Zealand, her saliva was definitely foreign and she'd changed the ball's characteristics by applying it. Therefore, she was disqualified. We argued for the next half hour before she eventually gave in and muttered something about taking up croquet. I was right, wasn't I?
Dear Saliva
Rule 5-2 states: The ball the player plays must not have foreign material applied to it for the purpose of changing its characteristics.
The penalty is disqualification, so you got that part correct.
However, your interpretation may be incorrect. Did you ask for proof of your opponent's nationality? Although born overseas, she may have taken New Zealand nationality and so wasn't foreign. And, technically, if she was going through the citizenship process at the time of your match, she could have argued that she was more local than foreign.
Next time, insist on seeing proof of citizenship BEFORE you start your match.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
