Kay Wall's Blog, page 8

Titanic Golf

Much has been made of the fact that the band continued to play as the Titanic went down. But nothing has been mentioned of the brave woman who continued to practice her putting as the ship sank, until I unearthed a diary of the 2nd to last man to see her alive.
The woman, Hyacinth McShank, was obsessed with golf and also an insomniac, which meant she was wide awake when the ship hit the iceberg. Hyacinth had been trying to figure out why she missed all her 10-ft putts to the left. She knew she wasn't looking up too soon and she wasn't closing her club face on the way through. She decided on one last putt and, just as she started her backswing, the ship hit the iceberg.
The collision jolted her into a new stance in which her eyes were directly over the ball. Eurka! The ball rolled straight into the middle of the glass, a target she'd selected because it was the same diameter as a hole in a green.
"Och aye the noo!" she shouted, and lined up another dozen balls as stewards and ship staff rushed past.
Half an hour later, one of them tapped her on the shoulder. "Madam," he said, "the ship is sinking. You should go to the lifeboats."
Hyacinth shoved him away. " Are you oot of your mind, mon? I've just sunk 67 10-ft putts in a row! Another 33 and I'll have the stance set in muscle memory." She returned to her putting. "This is fantastic. Now I'm putting slightly up hill. I've never been any good at that."
"Madam," insisted the man, "you really must go now."
"For goodness sake," said Hyacinth, continuing to putt, "I can't go yet. How long before it actually sinks?"
The man looked at the angle of the deck, then back at Hyacinth. "Show me your swing again."
Hyacinth obliged.
The man scratched his chin. "Slow tempo ... deck's at about 5 degrees ... you've probably got another 15 minutes."
Hyacinth smiled. "Just enough time to get those last few putts."
The man scurried away to rescue non-golfers.
The last putt rolled into the glass. "Wonderful," exclaimed Hyacinth, as the ball ran back to her. "Hmm." She picked up the ball. "That's very handy, having the ball automatically come back to you." She looked around. "Wonder if I could find something other than a sinking ship to do the same thing?"
As they say, the rest is history. Hyacinth was so excited by her idea that she rushed down to the radio room, shoved aside Jack Phillips (radio operator) and the last signal from the Titanic was not 'CQD, SOS'. It was 'Have invented wonderful new putting device. Will make our fortune. Meet me ..."
Alas, Hyacinth had miscounted her putts and went down with the ship. Which meant the ball-returning putting machine was delayed another 29 years, when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and a keen golfing insomniac sailor was practicing his putting...


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Golfers and Pest Eradication

The New Zealand Dept of Conservation's pest eradication department is having its funding cut, yet again, so has turned to the public for help. Golfers have proved to have the best ideas, even when it was pointed out that the pests are animals, not telemarketers. Fortunately, the chosen method will work well with either group.
The most effective way to kill possums is with 1080, but it's becoming more difficult to distribute because protesters throw themselves in front of planes and chain themselves to the 1080 holding bins. I interviewed the spokesperson for GCSTW (Golf Can Save The World) who explained how golf would save our native bush and make DOC a profit as well. "We will manufacture golf balls with 1080 in them, using the soluble type cruise ships have, so protesters won't realise what we're doing. Next, we will advertise that we have the best driving range in the world and we will put videos on YouTube to prove it."
The spokesperson showed me the very impressive videos. "The uniqueness of our bush driving ranges is the selling point. We will build transportable driving range platforms in strategic parts of the bush and helicopter golfers in."
I pointed out that that sounded expensive and where was DOC's profit? "Easy," said the spokesperson, "There's a huge group of really wealthy, really bad golfers out there who would love to be able to hack and slash in private and feel like they're performing a public good at the same time. Especially considering how they got their money in the first place." The spokesperson winked and tapped her nose. "The beauty of the plan is that the golfers, being a bunch of hackers, will achieve greater distribution than the mechanical bait throwers, with golf balls going in all directions, especially if they shank. We've already got 50 Russian billionaires signed up."
I hit a few of the golf ball baits and couldn't tell the difference between them and the real thing. In fact, after watching me hit a dozen balls dead straight, the spokesperson offered me a job with GCSTW.
I was a little miffed. "But I'm not a hacker," I said.
"Not to distribute bait," she said. "With your accuracy, we'd use you to deter protesters."


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Practice

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been playing golf for 47 years and have just reduced my handicap to 35. Should I practice my long or short game to reduce further?
Dear Handicap
You can tell the difference?



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Oversize Putters

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been sick with worry ever since people started the rumour that the R&A is going to ban long putters. The long putter has revolutionised my game and taken at least 27.5 shots off each of my rounds! It's the only thing that has kept me playing golf instead of taking up croquet, as everyone I play with has suggested I should do. (They reckon my jerky, abbreviated swing is a natural fit for bigger balls and hoops.) Anyway, I want to get a petition going to implore golf's ruling bodies not to do away with my favourite club and not to restrict its length. My putter is custom-made and 10 feet long and if I couldn't use it for measuring my penalty club lengths, I just might be forced into taking up croquet. You're the most popular golf writer I know. Will you circulate my petition for me?
Dear Belly Putter
No, I won't. Golfers read this blog because of its first class instruction, not for carping, nonsensical whingeing such as yours. I've watched the video you sent with your email and you're indeed fortunate that you have such large ears to tuck around your 10-ft shaft, or I suspect you'd take an extra 27.5 shots on the greens. I have it on good authority that the R&A and USGA are not going to ban oversize putters. However, they are considering bringing in a rule which says you're not allowed to anchor the putter against your body, except when you're using it for penalty measurements, in which case you must anchor it on the back of your neck. I don't think your ears will help you with that one.


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Eliminate Slow Play

One of the most common complaints from all golfers is the rate of play. Once upon a time, four hours was considered the norm for a group of four to complete 18 holes. Even if they were hackers. These days it can take over five hours on some courses, even for the pros, who often play in a 2-ball. No wonder The Game is declining in popularity. If you're playing well, the last thing you want to do is wait on every shot because that's when your focus shifts. Instead of keeping 'in the zone' you start to think about what you're going to have for tea, or wonder if you really did put the garage door down. Then you get irritated by the others in your group, particularly the one with the annoying habit of waggling their club 27 times before they hit the ball. Badly. It's much easier if you can just walk up to your ball and hit it. Also, if you're playing badly then the last thing you want is to wait on every shot. This gives you way too much time to fester over your last poor shot, or shots, when all you want to do is get off the course and share your hard-luck stories at the 19th. I have good news for course managers who are serious about fixing slow play. As long as you have a sprinkler system, we can solve the problem and here's how. Every group pushes a button when they get to each tee. This stops the sprinkler from coming on when the weight detector senses golfers. The group has 13 minutes to complete each hole and if the group hasn't completed the hole, the sprinklers come on and drench them. Well, you say, that might work when it's fine, but it's hardly going to be a speed-up shock when it's raining. I considered that and figured I could make it an incentive to play faster simply by replacing the water with sulphuric acid. Had to abandon that, though, because it would have killed the grass. But I knew I was on to something. Then I had a eureka moment! The perfect replacement for water is dairy effluent! Speed play and fertilise the golf course at the same time.


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Enjoy bad weather golf

Which is worse to play in - wind or rain? No doubt that it's really miserable when you're playing in both, but if you've only got one of the elements to contend with, you can still finish your round feeling happy. For instance, if it's windy you can tell yourself that at least you'll get a helping hand when the wind's at your back. As long as you hit it straight, otherwise you're just going to be further in the trees than usual. Which gives you an advantage if you're not hitting it straight, as the ball won't reach the trees. The wind is your friend when you're playing with someone who talks too much - you can't hear them over the whistling gusts. And best of all, if you've had a really lousy score, the wind can blow that card out of your hands and off into never-never land. Rain also can be your friend. You get a free drop from casual water and you get lots of that under trees - sometimes enough to stop you going into the trees. Enough rain on the greens will create puddles which makes putting easier - it removes all borrow and you can belt the ball and not worry about a long putt coming back. And best of all, if you've had a really lousy score, the rain can make your card illegible.




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Practice v Performance

Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been hitting my long irons and fairway woods really badly for months so I went to the practice fairway to see if I could sort my swing out. And I did! I had a couple of duffs but hit most of the 70 balls solidly. How come there's such a big difference between my performance on the practice fairway and the golf course?
Dear Practice
Easy. I'll break it to you gently. You're a lily-livered, spineless moron who lacks dedication and self belief. You've been playing badly for months and you've only just gone to the practice fairway? Obviously you don't own 'Agonising Golf', or you'd have set up house there. And that's where you instil the self belief necessary to maintain your spine angle, the most common problem for duffers. But the main thing to remember is that you hit the ball better on the practice fairway because there's no pressure. So you need to re-create the tension felt while playing. The best way to do that is to hit balls in a bull paddock. Jersey bulls.

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Leaky wet weather gear

Hot on the heels of 'Leaky Building Syndrome' comes that plague of golfers, 'Leaky Wet Weather Gear Syndrome'. Pity the poor people who suffer from both! The only good thing about the LWWG Syndrome is that it makes the other syndrome easier to live with. After all, you only inhabit a house, but you live golf. Well placed buckets will take care of your house, but you try swinging with a couple of buckets under your arms. Though I've often wondered if Jim Furyk came from a leaky home...


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Best Golf Hats

My Australian contacts tell me that a well-known golf company has developed a cap especially for the Aussie market. The flies and mozzies there are particularly persistent so something more than repellant was needed. As with many modern products, this one has been based on a tried and true design - the cork hat. They've inserted electrodes in each cork which, when an insect gets within 2 cms, send electric currents around the face. In effect, the golfer becomes a walking bug zapper. (Obviously, it doesn't come with a collection tray so you have to have your shirt buttoned to the top.) However, the real beauty of the electric cap is that it can help your game. If you're plagued by short putting, simply shove your index finger in the electric field after you've lined up your putt. Annoyed by a slow golfer in your group? Shove their finger in the hat. Get locked out of the house by your non-golfing partner? You can start a fire with your hat and keep away predators larger than bugs. Order yours now before they sell out.


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Successful 4somes golf

Competing successfully in foursomes golf requires exact planning, and selecting the right partner is the most important part of all. You must leave partner selection until the last minute because whether you're playing well or poorly will determine who you play with. If you're playing well, you choose someone you like. But if you're playing poorly, it's the ideal opportunity to get your own back on that rules pedant who tricked you into not taking correct relief, or the slowcoach who fills in their scorecard on the green. And if you're having a bout of shanking, that's the best time to persuade the guy/girl who's coming on to your partner that you and he/she would have a ball playing 4somes together. Of course, this will only work once per enemy but there are a great number of clubs out there...


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