Jon Acuff's Blog, page 101

Tithing via debit card to earn airline miles.

Is that wrong?

Probably.

I say probably because, let’s be real, it wasn’t specifically mentioned in the Bible. When Jesus told the story of the old widow and the mite, he didn’t say, “And do you know what is most pleasing about her heart? She had a chance to tithe with her debit card, which would have allowed her to earn airline miles and magazine subscriptions and espresso machines, and she didn’t. That is how you should give. Amen.”

But that’s where we are right now. Some churches have debit machines in the lobby where you can use your debit card to tithe. And I have nothing against that. It’s about the heart, not a basket or a bucket.

What you give to God in the pew can be just as meaningful as what you give to God in the lobby. But the offering bucket won’t get you one-step closer to an airline ticket to Destin, Florida or a two night stay at Disney World. So if your debit card does offer points back to you every time you use it, what should you do with those holy points?

Is this a “give to Disney what is Disney’s” moment, kind of like “give to Caesar what is Caesar’s”? Go ahead and enjoy the fruits of your first fruits? Or should you donate to the church the Eddie Bauer fleece pullover your tithe earned you? Maybe that’s the ticket? Just a sea of pastors across the country wearing free Haggar slacks they were given via debit cards? Is that what you want, a wave of pleated pants washing over the entire evangelical community? Wrinkle resistant khaki after wrinkle resistant khaki cascading throughout the land?

Those are our two options. You give with a gracious heart but secretly know you’re getting a free subscription to Shape magazine, or you make every pastor in the country wear Haggar pants.

It’s a pickle. It’s a real pickle.

I didn’t have a great answer for my friend Adam Short when he brought this dilemma to me.

What do you think about the whole situation?

Is it wrong to tithe with a debit card you earn points on?

Finding out there won’t be an ocean in heaven.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your flow, Paul. Pump the brakes on the Revelations. What was that last one? Back that up, por favor. Is this really what Revelation 21:1 says?

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.”

Did you catch that last part?

“No longer any sea.”

Let me go ahead and explain that for you, in a hermeneutical kind of way.

That means no dolphins.

You know all that dolphin art you collect, where they’re jumping in the air forming the shape of a heart against a sunset and a sailboat with an air brushed “4-eva” painted on it?

That’s not happening in heaven.

Surfing? Nope.

Jetski jumps off  waves? Nope.

Beachfront property that you can finally own cause you’re a “heaveniarre?” Nope.

No sea, which is a bummer. Especially if you grew up in Missouri and thought, “I’ll see the ocean when I’m dead.” You won’t. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you won’t.

More people should be talking about this. This fact should be in the marketing campaigns for every beach town tourist board.

“Come to Panama City Beach and enjoy the ocean, ’cause you won’t get to in heaven.”

“Vacation in Florida! We’ve got more beaches than heaven!”

Will it still be awesome? Of course. We’ll be with Jesus, are you kidding me? It will be amazing.

We just won’t get to see him walk on water. Something to think about. Something to really think about.

Question:

Be honest: Did you know there wouldn’t be an ocean in heaven?

The Global Leadership Summit

Bill Hybels is a ninja.

I don’t know how to say it any clearer than that.

From the impact Willow Creek has had on modern church to the influence his books have had on young Christians like me, he is awesome.

So much so that, one Thanksgiving, the entire Acuff family sat around a small TV at a rented beach house watching an interview he did. This was the first and last time we spent Thanksgiving night captivated by a DVD of a pastor.

But there we were, watching Bill Hybels talk about leadership and life with an up-and-coming musician named “Bono.” (Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He’s part of a small band called “U2.”)

The interview was unbelievable, and not just because it was Bono. What was so great was the way Hybels challenged Christians to get involved in the issues tearing our world apart.

Fast forward a few years, and the folks at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit asked if the readers of Stuff Christians Like would like a discount to their next event. My immediate answer was “Bill Hybels is a ninja.” That’s a confusing way to answer a question, though, so I changed my answer to “Yes!”

The goal of the summit, which will be held on August 9-10, is to transform Christian leaders around the world with an annual injection of vision, skill development, and inspiration for the sake of the local church. This is the 17th summit they’ve had, and like every year before it, the lineup of leaders who will be there to serve and inspire is ridiculous:

Bill Hybels

Condoleezza Rice

John Ortberg

Craig Groeschel

Geoffrey Canada

Jim Collins

Patrick Lencioni

Cheryl Wudunn

Mario Vega

Marc Kielburger

Christine Caine

Pranitha Timothy

William Ury

Gungor

Kevin Olusola

As a pastor’s kid, I’m a huge fan of events that encourage and equip the local church. As someone who is trying to grow into a leader, I love events that challenge me to grow beyond my comfort zone.

This year, more than 65,000 people will watch the summit at one of 200 different locations via satellite broadcast. It will be shown in more than 85 countries and translated into 39 different languages.

If you want to be part of the summit, register by June 26 for the best rates and enter “acuffblog” to save $20 on the registration fee.

The theme this year is “Lead Where You Are,” and it’s going to be awesome. I hope you’ll check out the summit. For more info, visit their website.

Stuff (Single) Christian (Girls) Like: Getting Upset With Guys For Not Acting Like Real Men

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one by John Crist. You can check out his website here and follow him on Twitter @johnbcrist.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Stuff (Single) Christian (Girls) Like: Getting Upset With Guys For Not Acting Like Real Men 

One time I pursued a girl for 11 months and she had no idea it was happening.

I thought pursuing a girl consisted of texting her once in a while, checking out her Facebook photos, and asking her to come over and watch a movie in my (parents’) basement.

Wait, girls need more than this now? Since when?

All this happened when I was 15. And by 15, I mean 26.

Christian girls have become increasingly intolerant of Christian bros these days…and maybe for good reason. As a 28-yr-old guy who eats Lunchables, considers getting in the pool as bathing, and still accesses his bed via ladder, I’m not above this criticism. But ladies, I assure you: we’ve all heard your concerns.

Here are the 10 most common statements guys hear from Christian women. (And, for the sake of equality, the average guys’ response…)

Girls’ Statement:

I need a man that is really going to pursue me.

Guys’ Response:

Yeah, I was game for that… until I saw your ‘101 Non-Negotiable Future Husband Qualities’ list. I’ll pass, thanks.

Girls’ Statement:

He plays a lot of video games.

Guys’ Response:

I’m just doing what I’m passionate about. Isn’t that what Jesus would have wanted?

Girls’ Statement:

He seemed interested after our second date, but then I never heard from him again.

Guys’ Response:

You gave me a pre-highlighted copy of The Five Love Languages, asked me to meet your parents and, if we had a girl, what I thought about the name Sophia with a P-H instead of an F.

Girls’ Statement:

I think he has anger management issues.

Guys’ Response:

I’m just really competitive.

Girls’ Statement:

He spends a lot of time playing fantasy sports.

Guys’ Response:

You watch The Bachelorette. Same thing.

Girls’ Statement:

He just doesn’t seem to have any real ambition in life.

Guys’ Response:

Since when do church internships not count as a future plan?!

Girls’ Statement:

Why can’t this 25-yr-old guy be as spiritually mature as my 55-yr-old pastor?

Guys’ Response:

Um, I’m 25.

Girls’ Statement:

I don’t like to watch guy movies like Die Hard or Transformers because they’re not realistic.

Guys’ Response:

You’re favorite movie is The Notebook, that’s not realistic either.

Girls’ Statement:

He’s always using the “Water into Wine” argument to defend his excessive drinking habits.

Guys’ Response:

For. The. Last. Time… JESUS DRANK!!!

Girls’ Statement:

I don’t ask for much, just a combination of Bradley Cooper, Thor and Ryan Reynolds.

Guys’ Response:

I’m not taking you to the movies anymore.

Here’s the thing. Single men and women are both living in a fantasyland. Guys like to play video games and fantasy sports because it makes us feel like real men, like we’re accomplishing something greater than our abilities. There is no game called Fantasy Wendy’s Manager…because we can go make that a reality tomorrow.

But both sexes are guilty of living in the same fantasy world. A top 10 non-negotiable husband qualities list is a fantasy.  Most of the dating shows women watch feature a first date that includes a helicopter ride to an exotic waterfall where the couple feeds each other chocolate covered strawberries. Then I take a girl to Chili’s, and I’m a jerk. Its 2/$20…and it comes WITH dessert! C’mon ladies!

Conclusion: Dudes, get it together. Women, be realistic.

(If you want to read more from John, check out his website.)

Feeling slightly disappointed when someone accepts our fake offer of generosity

Christians find it nice to tell someone, “Please let me know if thre’s anything I can do for you.  Anything at all.”  Especially if that person recently experienced a tragedy or is about to set out on some big adventure that will clearly require the help of others.  It feels good to write that blank check of support.  Plus, as a Christian, we’re probably supposed to say that.  I don’t know if the exact phrase is in the Bible, but I’m sure there’s something close to that in the New Testament.  But what if someone calls your bluff?  What if in the middle of enjoying that really warm feeling of fictional support, someone tries to take you up on the offer?  That’s bogus, right?

For bad people, that is.  Not you and me of course, but for people who say, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” and don’t really mean it.  That happens you know.  I know you and I always say it without conditions, but some people throw out fake offers of generosity.

It happened to a friend of mine who was going on a mission trip.  She spoke at a church about the trip and afterward a man approached her to offer his unconditional support.  When he asked if there was anything he could do to help her, she said “I could really use some financial support.”  He looked her dead in the eye and said, “I’ll pray for you.”

Good grief.  Didn’t she know the protocol of the fake support offer?  I say, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you,” and then you say, “I’ll let you know; thank you so much for your generosity.”  Then we go our separate ways and I get to enjoy about 67 percent of what it would feel like if I actually helped you .  You’re not supposed to take me up on the offer.  That’s just rude.

But what if you run into someone who doesn’t know you’re only pretending when you offer support?  There’s got to be a better approach than just saying, I’ll pray for you.”  Here are two ideas:

Say, “God gifted me with the spiritual gift of thought, not action.”  Tell them you’ll be thinking about them next Saturday when they struggle to move everything they own across town.  No one likes to help people when they move, but you can’t just say, “I hate moving, no thanks” when they ask you to bring your pickup truck over and help out.  So instead, try to tell them that your particular spiritual gift involves thinking about solutions to challenges, not actually participating in the solution.

Or, just throw your car keys.  It’s better to walk home than it is to have someone actually cash your blank check of help.  But it doesn’t really have to be your car keys, anything shiny will do.  That’s why I always keep a handful of silver glitter in my pockets.  If I get pushed into a conversational corner I throw the glitter into the air, and while the person I’m talking to is distracted, I run away.  An additional benefit is that I look like a cool magician, so I’ve got that going for me.

Typos in the Bible.

Recently I wrote the entire book of Proverbs by hand.

I did this because I’m holier than you and want to have a waterslide at my house in heaven.

You might be satisfied with just a regular mansion, but I have pretty high hopes for a ridiculous tree fort when I get up there. Booby traps, rope ladder, fire place, the works. Granted, it’s probably not nice to have a booby trapped treehouse in heaven because so many people won’t be expecting to encounter a booby trap behind the pearly gates. But that’s kind of what makes it even awesomer.

Writing the book out was fun and took me about 6 months. Part of what took so long was that I kept finding errors in Proverbs. The biggest of all was perhaps Proverbs 24:16.

Don’t act like you don’t know it by heart. Fine, I’ll write it out for you:

It says, “for though the righteous do not fall, the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.”

Great verse! Lays out clearly how we’re called to live. Don’t stumble like the wicked. Be righteous. Done and done. That’s how I’ve always learned that verse. Only there was a problem when I read it in my Bible.

In my Bible, it didn’t say that. In my Bible it said:

“for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.”

That can’t be right. Though for years I’ve spouted clichés like “I’m not perfect, I’m forgiven,” I haven’t really believed them. Deep in the shadows of my heart, I’ve believed that to be righteous means you don’t fall. You don’t make mistakes. You don’t mess up. That was all something that happened pre-salvation. Post-salvation is for error-free living.

And if you do make a mistake, you don’t “get up,” you “give up.” At least for a certain period of time. If time heals all wounds, then time covers all sins too. You can’t get up until you’ve paid some secret, silent sort of penance. But that’s not what the Bible says.

The Bible doesn’t say, “The righteous do not fall.” It actually says, “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.”

That’s not a maybe. The verse doesn’t say, “If the righteous happen to possibly fall.” It says, “for though the righteous fall seven times.” It’s a definite, not a maybe, statement.

OK, fine, but where’s the shame they’re supposed to pay before they rise again? Where’s the condemnation? Where do they earn the title of righteous again? How many good decisions does it take to clean yourself up after each bad decision?

It doesn’t say.

And so it must be a typo. It must be a mistake in my version of the Bible. It can’t be true. Unless, and this is a big unless, Jesus died for all our sins. That’s crazy if you think about it, someone dying the worst death imaginable so that when we fall, we can still get up. When we fail, we can still be righteous.

That’s the only possible explanation I have for a verse like this.

Or it’s a typo and Zondervan owes me a refund with this error-riddled Bible. (Whole thing is full of unbelievable grace that makes no sense, absolutely lousy with typos.)

Snake handling.

The other day I saw a news headline that said:

“Young snake handlers say they grasp the power of faith.”

My first thought was, “Please let them not be from the south.”

As a resident of the Bible Belt, you kind of always hope that “interesting” news like this is happening somewhere else. Seriously, would it kill Maine to take on just one of these weird evangelical stories? How come we in the south have to hog them all?

But let’s be honest, there was no way that story was not about the Bible Belt. I grew up in Massachusetts, and I didn’t know snake handling existed. Lobster handling? Mussel handling? Chowda’ handling? Yes. Snake? No.

So I quickly changed my thought to, “Please let them not be from Tennessee.” This thought is less about national perception and more about me not wanting to be in close proximity to amateurs who are illegally (and casually) transporting pit vipers. I’m weird like that.

But, nope, the church in question is in Tennessee. So being the journalistic blogger I am, committed to getting to the heart of a story through research and careful analysis, I grabbed my “press hat” and called my friend Matthew Paul Turner. Together, we spent 6 months embedded in the snake church. It was slow work at first, people look at you weird if you show up at a church on a Sunday and just yell, “Where are the snakes? Get to the snake part! Snakes! Snakes! Snakes!”

In the months that would come, though, we would both grow a lot. Matthew proved to be great at timber rattlesnakes. He’s got this little Ace of Bass song he sings to them that really seems to relax the snakes. Me? I was more of a diamondback guy myself.

Ultimately, we both ended up leaving the church because there wasn’t enough “meat.” It was a snake seeker friendly church. Lot of garter snakes, very little cobras. I wasn’t getting fed. I need deep Bible and black mambas. Not casual worship music and corn snakes.

Wondering if worship leaders see you not clapping.

Dear worship leaders,

It’s not you, it’s me.

You did a great job asking the crowd to clap. You could not have been clearer in your instructions or desired outcome.

Your “call to palms” was perfect.

But I just can’t clap.

Even if friends make fun of me, like they did last weekend, I don’t budge. I was sitting next to Todd Smith. He’s in a band called “Selah,” and he’s won approximately 400 Dove Awards. We’re friends, and I mean really friends, not in that way everyone in Nashville claims to be friends with Michael W. Smith but never actually goes horseback riding with him like I will someday.

I clapped roughly 14 times and Todd leaned over in the middle of the song and said, “You can do it, Jon. You can make it all the way to the chorus!”

He was wrong. I didn’t. It’s not that I can’t clap. I just don’t think people are ready for my superior clapping ability. I don’t want to embarrass the drummer. I don’t want people to be so enthralled they stop singing and just watch my clap stylings. I do this old-timey clap sometimes that I call the “Mumford.” You have to know how to play a jug to even come close to understanding what I’m really doing. It’s very complicated.

But enough about my clap styles. (Don’t even get me started on the move I do called the “Tron.” Lot of lasers involved.)

The biggest thing I need to know is this:

Do worship leaders notice when I stop clapping?

Are you able to see me in the crowd refusing to clap along?

Probably not, because it’s dark. Unless you have some sort of worship leader sixth sense. Some sort of “I can only imagine” power that allows you to spot me in the crowd, arms not akimbo, standing there motionless.

Do you have that? Is that a thing?

And if you catch me not clapping, do you care? I think, probably not, because let’s be honest, most of the time you stop clapping in the middle of the song too. You start out with your hands over your head clapping enthusiastically, but by the middle of the song you’re playing a guitar, grabbing the microphone or playing a didgeridoo. (Had to google the spelling of that one.)

If I was a worship leader, I would probably notice people not clapping and then quickly judge them as loving the Lord slightly less than I do. Which is why they won’t let me be a worship leader. That, and they know people aren’t ready for this jelly.

Question:

Do you clap along during worship at church?

At last! The t-shirt of my dreams is here!

April 2, 2008, a plucky young blogger is about to change the way we hug, nay I say the way the entire world hugs.

What happened that day? The side hug post on the Stuff Christians Like blog debuted. (Don’t front like it’s not a holiday you’re family celebrates with tangerines and sparklers.)

What a day that was! Gone was the tyranny of the unexpected front hug with its circles of compassion on your back and the constant risk of someone throwing a leg wrap into the middle of the whole thing.

It was a special moment for all of us, and fortunately, there’s finally a soft cotton shirt to commemorate the whole thing.

Random Shirts has designed a side hug t-shirt that is awesome.

It’s comfortable, cool and tastefully designed in a crew neck, lest you contract “deep v-neck syndrome.”

And because I cried a little in the meeting we had to discuss it, Random Shirts is even offering it at 40% off to Stuff Christians Like readers.

If you enter code “SCL40” at checkout, you’ll save 40%.

The day is here, my side hugging friends. The wait is over. Our t-shirt has arrived!

Visit randomshirts.com to pick up one.

What not to say when someone has cancer.

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one by Tracey Solomon.  You can check out her blog here and follow her on Twitter @traceysolomon.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

What Not to Say by Tracey Solomon

We totally need a Christian version of What Not To Wear.  Only it should be more holy and less about clothes. It should be called What Not To Say. Since my husband’s diagnosis with prostate cancer this fall, I’ve heard people say a lot of stuff that hasn’t been helpful. Maybe, that’s partly because, for awhile, I had a bad case of Cancer Tourette’s. Cancer Tourette’s is a condition where you randomly blurt out the diagnosis to everyone who asks “How are you?” Including the chick ringing up your Target basket and the 12-year-old boy putting your groceries in a bag. (FYI: 1) He doesn’t know what a prostate is, and 2) is afraid of you, prostates, cancer and your crying. Leave the poor kid alone.

Actually, it’s not always what people say that is hard…it’s how it sounds. Which could be totally a problem with my hearing, and since my husband’s diagnosis, I’ve been hearing things differently. It’s like I hear everything through a crazy morbid mix-master’s cancer filter. I think the world is auto-tuned to upset me. And it does.

But, I’m not the only one. I’ve heard others talk about stuff Christians say when there is a bad diagnosis, so I thought I’d ask Jon if I could give you guys a behind-the-cancer listen to the things we say and how they sound. I gotta be honest: Cancer (and any crummy diagnosis, really) is hard enough without having well-meaning people say things to make it harder.

Things like:

“You gotta stay positive.”

What it sounds like: “If you keep being so negative, you’re going to kill your husband.” (Which I sometimes want to do, but that has nothing to do with cancer, it has everything to do with hormones. Mostly.)
How I want to respond: ”I AM positive. I’m positive that cancer stinks. Also: Thanks. Now I’m afraid that if I’m not positive enough my husband will die. It will be my fault.”
The truth: ”Sometimes I need to get the negative out of the way so I can get to the positive. I’m positive that God will get us through this, even if we don’t like the outcome. Staying positive doesn’t mean living in denial. It means accepting the truth and hoping for the best.”

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

What it sounds like: “Buck up and deal. You can handle this, or God wouldn’t have allowed it.  You should be honored He thinks so highly of you.” (No clue where the term “buck up” came from. Blame the cancer.)
How I want to respond: “God needs to have his head examined. (Does God even have a head?) Or, he thinks way too highly of me. Has he not been paying attention to my immaturity? Maybe he needs bifocals or something.”
The truth: God gives us things we don’t think we can handle and then he works in and through us. (Which is good because otherwise he’d have to recall my kids. And since two are in college, that would be really awkward.) It’s not about US or what he thinks we can handle…. it’s about Him and what he can handle. But cancer still sucks.

“Is there sin in your life?”

Okay so no one has actually said this to me, But I know they say it to others. That, or it’s a Christian urban myth. Have you heard it?

What it sounds like: “Is there sin in your life? If so, sinner! You deserve this!”

How I (would) respond: “Of course there is. Duh. I’m human. Is there sin in your life? Cause, either you lie or I think you just fell into the whole plank vs. splinter in the eye thing which I’m pretty sure is sin and now you probably have cancer, too.” (But, I really hope not, because, like I said, cancer sucks.)

“That’s a good kind of cancer to have.”  Or, “At least they caught it early.”

How it sounds: ”Like you just said: “That’s a good kind of cancer to have. And at least they caught it early.”

A little cancer secret: There is no good kind of cancer. Cancer is BAD, always bad. That’s why we need to cure it. It’s also why we need God to help us through it.

“My _______ had ______ cancer and they’re doing great. (Or they died. Either one.)

I’m really glad your loved one is doing well. Or really sorry they died…. but, right now? This is about me. Let’s talk about me. (If there is ever a time to be selfish, it’s when you’re facing cancer or the cancer diagnosis of a loved one.

The bottom line (s) –

Please don’t:

Minimize: Say things to make the issue smaller than it is. It may make you feel better about the situation, but it makes the people involved feel like they’re crazy.

Spiritualize: Say things that make a physical issue into a spiritual one. Which, while I believe there is a spiritual aspect to everything, exactly what is really hard to tell from a diagnosis.

Traumatize: Now is not the time to share cancer horror stories.

If someone you know is faced with a nasty diagnosis, please…

Listen more. Talk less. Listen to how I feel, instead of telling me how I should feel.

Pray more. Preach less. When I’m afraid, pray with me. Now. Not later.  And really, the cancer center waiting room is not the time to preach or argue doctrine.

Bonus: When someone shares about a recent scary diagnosis, it’s probably not the time to tell them how wonderful your experience with that illness was, or how much you loved it. Or how it made God so real in your life and that you pooped rainbows after treatment. It could be true, but this is probably not the time to share. I may have threatened to stab the next person to do so. In love, of course.  (That has actually happened to me a few times. Except for the pooping rainbows part. I made that up.)

So have Christians said weird things to you when you’ve faced a crisis? What did they say? How did it sound? How did you wish you had responded?  What would have helped?

Final note: Ha! I said “prostate” on SCL! I think that’s a first.

Final, final note: Never confuse “prostate” and “prostrate.” Not the same.

PSA about PSA: Dudes, I don’t care what the government says, get checked your prostate checked. My husband is 45.

(For more great writing from Tracey, check out her blog.)