Jon Acuff's Blog, page 99

How to get a waiter to come to your table immediately.

Pray.

There it is, a secret we Christians have been holding on to for years. Guarded closely by the Knights of Red Lobster, lo’ these many years, most Christians don’t dare breathe these words for fear that our secret will lose its power.

But it is true: If you ever want to get a waiter or a waitress to come over to your table, just start praying.

The second you bow your head, they will appear at your table. The moment your eyes close, they will materialize at your side.

Need a refill on the water? Start praying.

Need more rolls? Start praying.

Need a different salt shaker because your kid licked the top of the one at your table? OK, probably just my family.

With a prayer interrupting radar that is more highly tuned than my ability to tell the difference between Polo shirts and the ones I wore as a kid (Knights of the Round Table), waiters will arrive.

Secret is out.

You’re welcome.

The 5 Commandments of Christian Passive Aggressive Notes

Recently, someone sent me a Christian Passive Aggressive Note or CPAN if you will. (Not to be confused with CSPAN.)

A coworker left the note on the fridge at the ministry he worked at.

How do you write a really good CPAN? Well, allow me to enlighten you with this real-life example:

 

5 Commandments of CPANs.

1. Use at least one Bible verse.

It’s not a Christian Passive Aggressive Note unless you’ve got at least one Bible verse. Whether you want to go old school and quote the OT is up to you. This person chose to drop by Exodus and Deuteronomy. Well played.

2. Don’t write out the verse.

Just use the reference or “address” of the verse if you will. This accomplishes two things: One, it makes the offending party feel like a sinner if they don’t have the verses memorized and know them by heart. Two, it forces people to read their Bible. Win, win.

3. Make fairly broad claims.

My first thought upon seeing these two Bible verses was, “Is there a verse about a fridge in the Bible? Did Moses ever confront Pharoah about how the Israelites were tired of him eating their leftover Jason’s Deli sandwich that had been clearly marked with papyrus?” Alas, that is not in the Bible. Instead, these verses both say, “You shall not steal.” I like the broad assumption that there is a cold item bandit on the loose, not that it’s possible two people bought the same exact Dannon yogurt and one got eaten by mistake.

4. Leave it anonymously.

Why should you never leave your name on a CPAN? Because that might lead to conversation, not condemnation. And there’s no doubt about which one you’re going for here. Make sure you type the note so that no one in the general area can tell it was your handwriting.

5. Get creative.

Big points for incorporating math into the mix. Check out the brain on Brad! This also gets a little dig at someone who might not be a Christian. The thinking is that perhaps this fridge felon is not a believer, sees the note and then says, “Bible verses, who cares about those? I’m still eating your old lasagna, there is no God! Wait, hark! What is this? Math and common courtesy? Who could argue with those? You’ve got me you wry note writer!” If that wasn’t enough, the note continues at the bottom with something called the “Toddler’s Rules.” Here we see the passive aggression reaching new levels. The photo doesn’t show it well, but the rules say things like: “If I like it, it’s mine. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.”

Hopefully, those five commandments will help clear up any confusion you’ve been feeling about how to write a Christian Passive Aggressive Note.

I will say this, though, the hardest part of writing a CPAN is making sure that you act in passive aggression quickly. You’ve got to get back to your computer, look up Bible verses, look up creative additions like the toddler rules, print out your note, get it from the printer, find tape, wait until no one is around wherever you are going to put it, and stick it quickly.

The last thing you want is patience, understanding, or civility to get the best of you before you’re able to execute a really amazing CPAN.

Question:

Have you ever seen a great CPAN?

The Bourne-Again Identity

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one by Joanna Miley King . You can check out her blog here.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Bourne-Again Identity

Is God disappointed that Matt Damon isn’t in the new Bourne movie? Probably not. He’s God, after all. He’s probably pretty excited for that other guy, too. Hard to say. The Old Testament and New Testament do very little to clear up those kind of issues. But I do find myself thinking about the Bourne movies a lot, especially when it comes to prayer.

Some people seem to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that it’s like they’ve got some kind of signal booster giving them the inside track on the Trinity’s conversations. Are they wiretapping or something?

You know the type I’m talking about. They’re the people that sit up in bed at 3:22 in the morning with a name or a face on their mind. They sense an urgency to pray. They are like the Jason Bournes of Christianity, like there’s some kind of secret fraternity of Treadstone-like prayer assassins.

Here’s a very recent example. My husband and I had a seminary friend call a few weeks ago.  The conversation went something like this:

“Hey Joe, this is John David.  I know we haven’t talked in a while, but God laid you on my heart early this morning [which is Treadstone code for: “I received a small safety deposit box containing a manila envelope with your name and phone number on a 3x5 notecard, along with a passport, $1,200 in unmarked bills, four language translations of Gideon New Testaments, and a 45 Springfield 1911 with three full clips].  I just felt like I needed to give you a call.  God is telling me to affirm your gifts of leadership. Let’s get together and do lunch soon.”

Later that afternoon, our pastor walked in and told Joe (the youth minister) that he would be resigning. From now on, Joe would be taking over responsibilities regarding our building project for a new education building, to begin the month after the pastor leaves.

How did that friend know to make that phone call?  How did he know to encourage my husband to be sure of himself as a leader?  Did he know our pastor was about to resign?

The answer, OF COURSE, has to be that he has an acetaminophen soft-gel sized tracker lodged near his spine, which imports information from headquarters.  God’s up to date on these kinds of things.  He kicks it on in during those times between waking and sleeping where the host is less likely to refuse or rationalize away the instinct to pray or act specifically and spontaneously.

I wake up some times in the middle of the night and think: “Do I have to pee?  Or is Julia Stiles trying to upload a file to my subconscious?”  I close my eyes and press on them with my thumbs until I see white flashes.  “Anything?  A name, a face, a situation?”

Question:

Have you ever been the recipient of such a message, as either the agent or the target?  How did it turn out?

For more great writing from Joanna, check out her blog.

A couple of paragraphs on quitting.

(I am incredibly biased about the Quitter Conference. I think you should go! James who wrote today’s post? He’s a guy who had never heard of the conference and didn’t want to read the book. Here’s what happened when he attended the Quitter Conference in February of this year.)

Quitter, quitting, quit . . . words that have such a negative tone for most people that hear them. I felt the same way until I got a wake-up call earlier this year while in the midst of a season filled with wishing, wanting, complaining, hoping and soul-searching.

I wanted so badly to follow the dream that God had placed in my heart, or at least a dream I believed He had placed there. I have a job that pays well, provides good benefits and is located close to home, close to my wife’s private practice and close to my friends. It just isn’t the job that I want to do for the rest of my life.

It was easy for me to articulate what the dream job would be to my mentors, to my family, to my closest friends and even to myself. The problem was, it was just words with some grumbling and dissatisfaction thrown in.

I think God (and my friends and family as well) grew weary of my complaining and hopeful talk so a door opened that would provide the kick start I needed to stop talking and begin doing.

First, my wife read the book Quitter and declared I should immediately read it. I didn’t read it. Second, my good friend Manny Martinez (CEO of Hello Somebody) offered me the opportunity to attend the Quitter Conference in February of this year as his guest. I realized this was a chance that I needed to grab onto.

I gladly and thankfully accepted while rushing home to read Quitter in the week I had to prepare for the conference. Once at the conference, having Jon bring the book to life and also hearing others going through the same things as I had made me realize I needed to make my dream more than words I shared with people.

After the conference, I started a company and hoped I could get a client to actually pay me for my services. Amazingly, I got a client and worked on the project in the time I had outside of my 40 hour/week job. I finished the project and was thrilled to have actually walked the dream out.

Today, I am still at my day job but was just asked to become a partner in a new venture with someone I respect greatly. I never imagined I would have the opportunity to not only work with this person but to be asked to become their business partner. It was a huge surprise and incredible opportunity.

Quitter and the Quitter Conference are not about quitting a job but rather quitting the cycle of wishing, hoping and talking about the dream so you can begin the work of living the dream. I encourage anyone that is searching or knows someone that is searching for how to pursue their dream to read Quitter and to attend the conference. I promise it will be a life-changing event to can be the catalyst to living that dream.

The prayer request whisperer.

A few weeks ago, I was in a prayer circle.

It was actually more of a prayer rectangle because of the shape of the room, but nobody says that.

Except me. “Prayer rectangle” might be my new favorite phrase. Or the name of an emo Christian band. Either way. Back to the post.

After a few prayer requests, a woman stood up and started to speak.

Turns out she was a prayer request whisperer (PRW). As soon as she started talking, I couldn’t hear a thing. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t that emotional. She was just very, very quiet. Everyone in the room collectively leaned forward, straining to hear what she was saying, but it didn’t matter. Her words were like dust in the wind, all the words were dust in the wind.

In that moment you only have 3 options:

1. Ask for an encore.

Call an audible. After the PRW has finished the prayer request, simply say, “Can you please repeat that? Only this time, at like an 8?” Chances are, you’re going to look a little like a jerk. No matter how you phrase this request, it’s going to sound like you weren’t listening the first time. The PRW doesn’t know how soft they talk, and they are going to assume you were busy playing Angry Birds the first time they made their request.

2. Vague it up.

If you are leading the prayer and have no idea what a PRW has asked you to pray about, you better go vague. Say things like, “Lord, we pray for your mercy and grace.” (Everyone always needs that.) Or, “Lord, please help us with the things we all said today.” Don’t try to guess on specifics. What might have sounded like “I have a transmission problem in my car” might have actually been “I have a transition problem in my career.” Don’t gamble on specifics. You will get burned. And noticed. (I’m so relevant!)

3. Assume God heard.

He’s God. He’s got this one. He heard. Like he needs people to speak up. He whispered to Elijah. Or Elisha. Someone got whispered to outside of a cave. God loves the whisper. Don’t worry about the PRW. She’s in God’s hands now.

What did I do in that moment?

Well, I wrote myself a note that I should probably do a post about this on Stuff Christians Like. And then I vagued it up.

Question:

Have you ever experienced a Prayer Request Whisperer?

Forgetting how crazy God is about redemption.

Last weekend a group of protestors picketed my church.

The group in question is famous (infamous?) for protesting churches and other events. I wrote a short blog post about it and tweeted on the topic a few times. One particular comment I received stuck out to me.

A guy named Brandon asked me:

“Do you ever wonder is Saul of Tarsis would be among them? Maybe they will see a blinding light in the way home.”

Wow, when you think about that, he raises an interesting point.

The protestors seem peaceful compared to Saul (Paul.)

The protestors ask authorities for permits to march. Saul asked authorities for arrest warrants.

They yell hateful slogans. Saul yelled murderous threats.

They give approval to protesting. Saul gave approval to stoning.

They persecute with words. Saul persecuted with death.

You can certainly argue that Saul might not have joined the protestors at my church for a thousand different reasons, but there’s one thing we can all agree on – modern protestors have nothing on Saul.

And yet, Saul becomes Paul. Saul becomes the greatest missionary our faith has ever known. Saul becomes the one standing before the authorities saying, “I know this whole thing sounds crazy, and I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. My persecution against followers of the Way was an obsession! But what am I supposed to do? I can’t be disobedient to this. It’s real!”

The story of Saul becoming Paul doesn’t make sense. It’s as crazy as one of the protestors throwing down their horrible sign that says, “God hates you!” and becoming an associate pastor at our church.

It’s wildly illogical, unless …God is crazy about redemption.

Unless God delights in showing you how radically an experience with him can change a person.

Unless nothing is impossible with him.

That’s the God I serve.

And thanks to Brandon, it’s the God I’ll see next time I see a protestor.

7 things the Christian iPad needs.

Sometimes a Christian product is released that demands a response on SCL.

Such is the case with the “Edifi,” the first “Christian Tablet.” (If you’re reading this post on an iPad or Nook, I bet your hands are burning right now holding that devil fire tablet.)

I feel like the SCL bat signal has been lit by my friends on Twitter, and I need to respond.

But here’s the thing, I don’t have a whole lot of room to stand on in the whole “Create something original, not a Christian rip off!” conversation.

The reality is that Stuff Christians Like was developed in response to Stuff White People Like.

So I never feel great about telling someone, “How dare you not be original!” But I am more than happy to point out a few design features that any Christian Tablet must have.

7 Things I’d Add to a Christian Tablet

1. Touched by an Angel Screen Technology

Forget touchscreen technology. That’s so 2004 and so heathen. Every time you touch the Christian Tablet an angel gets its wings.

2. Jesus Juke Siri

Instead of regular Siri, the Christian table would have Jesus Juke recognition software. If a friend tried to Juke you, it would analyze the Juke and immediately yell “JUKE! JUKE!”

3. Eyes of My Heart Retina Display

Forget just singing, “Open the eyes of my heart Lord.” What if you could open your new tablet and enjoy a crisp “eyes of my heart retina display?” (I don’t know what that would look like, but it already sounds wonderfully and fearfully made.)

4. Ark box case

I love my otterbox case, but if we have to Christian this thing up, let’s get wooden cases carved out of small Noah’s arks. Dove feathers are optional. Olive branch is not.

5. Longer lasting battery

Not exactly faith based, but this is the feature I personally pray the most about when it comes to my iPhone.

6. Built in “Precious Moments photo filter”

Have you ever wished you could easily add those chubby little precious angel figurines to your iPad photos? No? Well too bad, the Christian Tablet is going to do that for you automatically.

7. Pillar of Cloud Storage

You think Apple was the first one to use clouds to accomplish awesome things? Think again. God was using a pillar of cloud to guide the Israelites long ago.

At the end of the day, I don’t have anything negative to say about the Edifi. The greeting card companies that are refusing to publish the Stuff Christians Like greeting cards? That’s a whole different story. (Imagine a “Casserole of Hope” greeting card? It’d be amazing!)

Question:

What feature would you add to the Christian tablet?

Wishing your church bulletin explained the worship leader’s tattoos.

In addition to sermon notes and the dates of VBS and other church miscellany, could the bulletin please explain the origin of each worship leader’s tattoos?

Is that too much to ask for?

It doesn’t have to be a color chart with a fold out. It’d be nice, but let’s not get too demanding.

I’m talking about an insert, depending on who is leading worship that week, that says something like this:

Wrist tattoo: Hebrew for “Wandering heart.”

Bicep: Cityscape with light indicating that we are supposed to be a city on a hill.

Forearm: Guitar and pitchfork representing the early Americana music that farmers used to make in parts of southeastern Kentucky.

Knuckles: Mistake made during Spring Break in Panama City. Mustache tattoos on fingers were hilarious that year. Don’t stare.

I love my friend Carlos Whittaker’s tattoo because I know the story behind it. It’s a painting of the conversation of Paul. It’s absolutely amazing, but when I don’t know the story, I start to make up stuff in my head.

Especially if the tattoo is a series of words. Have you ever tried to read someone’s paragraph long tattoo from afar? It’s a pretty awkward experience. You can’t increase the font size and people are weird if you walk up to them after church and say, “Do you mind holding your arm at this angle so that I can read it? Thanks!”

Am I the only one who has thought this?

Have you ever been in church and thought, “I wonder what that worship leader’s tattoo means?”

False Humility

John Eagan was a high school teacher in Milwaukee. After his death, they published his journals. Brennan Manning quotes the introduction from the journal in his book, Abba’s Child. I thought it was pretty amazing and worth sharing:

“We judge ourselves unworthy servants, and that judgment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We deem ourselves too inconsiderable to be used even by a God capable of miracles with no more than mud and spit. And thus our false humility shackles an otherwise omnipotent God.”

I love that line, “We deem ourselves too inconsiderable to be used even by a God capable of miracles with no more than mud and spit.”

The next time the enemy tells you that God could never use your life in his story, remind yourself what he accomplished with mud and spit.

Parking Teams That Rival Aircraft Carrier Flight Crews

(It’s guest post Friday!  Here’s one by Ky Palmer. You can check out Ky’s blog here and follow on Twitter @KyPalmer.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Parking Teams That Rival Aircraft Carrier Flight Crews

I wasn’t with the hordes of young people who watched Top Gun, went and bought a pair of aviators, and joined the Air Force. Flying planes  didn’t interest me, but the high powered glow sticks that the aircraft marshals carry were too cool to pass up. So I joined the team that every church-going, Junior High boy with too much energy for his own good ends up on: the vehicle marshals.

Being a vehicle marshal (AKA parking team member) is one of the most prestigious jobs you could have on a Sunday morning (slightly below greeter ninjas). But the marshals don’t live by standard protocol. A good parking team operates like the flight deck crew of an aircraft carrier to keep church members from hating each other. But how do you compete with all of the Tom Cruise fanboys to score a spot on this team?

There are 5 possible positions you can gun for, each with a specific skill-set:

1.  The landing/take-off signaler.

You’ve got to have the “reverse power-strum” down. Plant your feet in a wide stance in a very visible location. Now point in the direction you want the cars to go and swing your other arm in a continuous full-circle. This move gets its name from the scene in “School of Rock” where Jack Black teaches the insecure kid how to really rip on the guitar. You’ll need it if you’re going to quickly direct cars through a mega-church parking lot.

2.  The tower.

You’ve got to spot visitors and elderly people so that you can send them to the right parking spot or send the golf cart guy to pick them up. If you mess up, people will surely leave the church thinking you steal the visitor parking for personal use.

3.  The radio man.

I went to a conference where the entire staff had those cool in ear radios that police officers wear. You should get one of these to keep in touch with the tower. “What’s that? Incoming visitor? No problem, I’ve got a basket of skittles ready for them. Over.” Be sure that you know proper radio etiquette before you take this job. If you leave your crew hanging without an “over” your career is “over and out.”

4.  The ground man.

You’ll direct lines of traffic just like you would planes getting ready to park or take off. If you need to stop a line of traffic, just make sure you shout, “You shall not pass,” rather than casting the “Immobulusas” spell. Christians are very fond of Lord of the Rings, not so much of Harry Potter.

5.  Golf cart guy. 

The equivalent of the guy who brings a ladder for the pilot.  If your church has a large parking lot, you send in the golf cart.  You’ll get orders from the tower when he spots a senior citizen or baby-toting family and you move in.

What positions does your church have to deal with the universal “Church Parking Lot Issue?”

(For more great writing fromn Ky, check out his blog.)