Justine Musk's Blog, page 23

the shocking truth about your happiness

1

In his book HOW WILL YOU MEASURE YOUR LIFE? Clayton Christensen explores the decisions people make that result in happy or unhappy lives (and possibly jail time).

One way to doom yourself to unhappiness is to choose a job based on compensation alone.

He distinguishes between hygiene factors and motivation factors.

Hygiene factors are the things that can’t make you love your job (or, presumably, your life) – but can cause you all sorts of problems.

Bad hygiene must get fixed, or you’ll get miserable.

Compensation, it turns out, is a hygiene factor. You have to feel that your compensation is fair. If it isn’t, you’ll be pissed. But if it improves, you’re not going to suddenly be happy (if you aren’t already). As Christiansen points out:

“The opposite of job dissatisfaction isn’t job satisfaction, but rather an absence of job dissatisfaction. They’re not the same thing at all. It is important to address hygiene factors such as a safe and comfortable working environment, relationship with managers and colleagues, enough money to look after your family – if you don’t have these things, you’ll experience dissatisfaction with your work. But these alone won’t do anything to make you love your job – they will just stop you from hating it.”

2

The things that offer true satisfaction, that create within us a sense of well-being, are the motivation factors. They include challenging work, recognition, responsibility, and personal growth.

“Feelings that you are making a meaningful contribution to work arise from intrinsic conditions of the work itself. Motivation is much less about external prodding or stimulation, and much more about what’s inside of you, and inside of your work.”

A person would be wise, if happiness is his or her main consideration, to choose a career based on motivation factors. Work that is meaningful to you, that is interesting and challenging and allows you to grow, that provides opportunities to increase your responsibility. Stuff like that.

Instead, so many of us tend to make hygiene factors, like status and income, the main criteria.

We tell ourselves we’ll work that job just long enough to pay off our student loans, and then pursue something that feeds the soul, that saves the world.

Problem is, as the income expands, the lifestyle expands. And it’s not easy, or fun, to cut back. Researchers have discovered that the brain registers a blow to your social status in the same area that registers physical pain. (This makes sense, from an evolutionary perspective – we needed each other to survive, and social exile often meant death.)

Not to mention that human beings have an uncanny ability to get used to material comforts.

Yesterday’s privilege becomes tomorrow’s necessity: we didn’t know we wanted it, but how could we give it up?

3

I used to go shopping a lot: because I could, and because I was miserable. There’s a New Yorker cartoon where a well-heeled woman asks a salesperson: “But what would you suggest to fill the dark, empty places in my soul?” As it turns out, footwear won’t do it.

And what struck me, even then, was the crazed spinning hamster wheel of consumerism. There is no enough. There is always another event, another dress, another season, another clutch, another stylish woman to envy, another expectation to meet, another reason to feel insecure, another glossy fashion magazine, another beautiful item hovering just outside your price range.

No matter what you can afford – and I could afford a lot – you will crave what you can’t. There’s always another level. It doesn’t end.

Unless you step off the wheel – or, better yet, avoid getting on in the first place.

Unless you learn to say: Enough.

3

What I crave now – is minimalism.

And I don’t mean deprivation. (Frankly, I’m not that type of girl.) As Leo Babauta puts it:

“Minimalism hasn’t been about living with as little as possible….It’s been about removing the extraneous, so that the essential things have space to live.”



But first, you have to decide what those essential things even are. Perhaps one of the benefits (I use the word loosely) of consumerism is the distraction it offers, the fantasy it holds out of who we will become if only we buy this and this and this.

Minimalism, on the other hand, forces us to consider the truth of who we are. You can disappear into your clutter. But when you live a well-edited life, you have to sift and sort and prioritize. What you keep makes a statement about your identity…simply because it is there.

Everything you have tells a story. The story of you.

That kind of story demands clarity.

And with clarity, comes focus.

And with focus, comes the freedom to do what you love.

4

In art, ‘negative space’ is the space around and between the subject(s) of an image that defines the image itself.

Stepping away from the churn of consumerism is, I think, an embrace of negative space. It’s the kind of space that offers possibility. It gives you room to grow. It is the blank canvas, the fresh page. It is that spot of solitude where you can hear yourself think. It is a release of energy, unblocked, unhindered.

To carve it out of a consumerist culture –

– is an ongoing challenge. But in that space, you can find out what’s inside of you. You can create your self, your relationships, your life.

And maybe even some happiness.

the art of learning your shadow (+ how it makes you more creative)

“I believe the best way to examine anything is to go to a dark place. You can’t be a storyteller and a speechwriter at the same time.” — Joss Whedon

1

Making friends with your shadow side could unlock your creative potential and help you bust through any blocks you might be experiencing.

I know, it might sound a bit…woo-woo…like I’ll start talking about animal totems next. But the Jungian idea of the Shadow has always intrigued me, especially as I get older and more sensitive to how it plays out in my own life.

The Shadow suggests that we are more…vast….and nuanced, and complex, than we’re willing to admit (even to ourselves). As children, we learned to shape and trim our persona to get the love we needed to survive. Everything about us that did not fit our evolving idea of ourselves we banished, suppressed, repressed, exiled into this shadowy self-creature, this negative reflection.

The Shadow is made up of all the parts of us that we have disowned.

We only “see” them when we project them onto others.

I still remember my ex telling me, when I was locked in a power struggle with my mother-in-law, that she and I were “a lot alike!”. (And the other people at the table went, “Ooohhhh.”) I would argue that statement – I’m sure she would as well – but it does make me check myself for the very things that exasperated me about her.

The insults that someone may hurl in your direction say more about who they are than about who you are.

What makes it complicated is that every negative trait has a positive upside, and vice-versa. So by casting out those elements of ourselves we deem “negative”, we’re alienating ourselves from our true potential. Again, we can only “see” this reflected in others: you are what you are attracted to. Of all the people in the world, of all their qualities and accomplishments to choose from, why do you admire whomever it is you admire (and why)? What you are seeing when you look at them is a latent trait in yourself. Kind of freaky, huh?

2

I recently had breakfast with the ex. We commented on each other’s twitterstreams, and then he said, “But I would lose the whole ‘badass’ thing. People might think you are referring to yourself.”

“Well, no,” I said. “My tagline is, because you’re a creative badass.”

“Even so,” he said. “It could be misconstrued.”

I thought about it. What I realized is that my not in my natural audience (which, come to think of it, might be one reason he’s an ex). My audience includes people like the twentysomething woman who told me that the term “creative badass” lights her up inside.

When you think about it, it’s not difficult to see how the qualities that make up a badass – strength, swagger, mastery, daring, boldness, risk, rebellion – are those same qualities that the entire female gender was encouraged, or even ordered, not to be. (Even in my own, post-feminist generation, boyfriends would accuse me of being too “competitive”, which surprised me, because I didn’t see myself that way at all. I thought I was rather mild. Although I can hear my boyfriend laughing as I write this.)

Which might explain the popularity of what my editor once termed “post-Buffy vampire fiction” in which women wear leather and are formidable in decidedly unladylike ways.

By embracing that kind of character, it’s possible that women are reaching out for an aspect of identity they’re still figuring out how to integrate, within a culture that’s still ambivalent about women who wield real power. But in books and movies and TV shows, a woman like Buffy can be both blatantly, obviously powerful — and loved.

3

The price we pay for repressing our Shadow is a lack of authenticity. It also blocks us in our creative work.

It makes us insecure.

When we look inside ourselves, we sense our Shadow – and we’re ashamed. We feel the need to disguise, evade, deny and hide. And because we can’t find it on the inside, we then to the outside for evidence of our own self-worth. We look to others for approval and validation.

If this was effective, then celebrities would be among the happiest, most fulfilled, most secure people on the planet.

When you’re worried about what others think, you don’t feel safe. And as Tim Brown points out in his TED talk on creativity, a sense of safety — of protection from withering outside criticism – is required in order to come up with your best, most outrageous, wackiest, playful, risky, innovative ideas. “We fear the judgment of our peers,” says Brown. “We’re embarrassed to show our ideas…And it’s this fear that causes us to be conservative in our thinking.”

In his book about how to conquer procrastination, THE NOW HABIT, Neil Fiore asks you to imagine a beam on the floor about four feet in width. Imagine waking across it. Easy, right? Child’s play. Now suspend that board between two buildings about one hundred feet in the air. Imagine walking across it. It’s the exact same task you did so easily before, and yet….do you think you would hesitate? Do you think you would put if off?

Now imagine that same board, one hundred feet in the air, but with a safety net directly underneath to catch you if you fall.

Imagine walking across it.

With your sense of safety intact, the task is once again child’s play.

What if creative work could be as fun, as easy as that?

4

Creative work is about the expression of your innermost self. In the end, we are what we make.

When we talk about creating, so often we talk about developing the ability to “go there”: behind the socially polished persona, beneath the surface layers, to tap into the stuff we don’t show people – or even ourselves.

That’s where the juice is.

That’s where the vulnerability is – and it’s our vulnerability that makes us loveable, that connects us to other people. That makes us authentic. You cannot connect to the world in an authentic way if you’re not willing to express that self to begin with.

Of course, if it was easy, then everybody would be doing it.

So the question becomes: how can you create that sense of inner safety that will allow you to express your real self, to play with your crazy ideas, and show the world something that is uniquely you (and therefore original)? How can you forge ahead with your creative work knowing that you are your own net, to catch you when you fall?

In their book THE TOOLS, psychologists Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels refers to that sense of safety as your “inner authority”:

It’s not an authority that comes from the approval of anyone outside you; it’s the authority you can get only when you’re speaking from your inner self.

To tap into it, you align yourself with the “higher force” of self-expression, and you do that by making friends with your shadow. (“Friendship,” as Tim Brown observes, “is a shortcut to play.”) Stutz and Michaels present it as a visualization exercise. Imagine yourself in front of whoever (or whatever) makes you feel shaky inside, and then push all your negative feelings about yourself “out in front of you and give them a face and body. This figure is the embodiment of everything you feel insecure about.”

This figure is your Shadow.

Imagine reaching out and forming a bond with your shadow, then turning to your audience, hand in hand with your shadow, and saying LISTEN.

The authors say:

Our need to please an audience is a deeply ingrained habit. The best way to break the habit is to replace it with a healthier one; that means using Inner Authority every chance you get. If you do this consistently, you train yourself to rely on your inner self, not on the reactions of others.

When you unite with your shadow, you are no longer trying to hide parts of yourself, which means you no longer fear being exposed. You are expressing yourself, your full self. This force of self-expression

…has a magical quality: it drives us to reveal ourselves in a truthful, genuine way – without caring at all how other people react. As a consequence, when you’re connected to this force, you speak with unusual intensity and clarity.

Resonance happens when your inner self connects with your audience’s inner self; there is recognition, there is chemistry; there is “unusual intensity and clarity”.

Some people have the ability to do this naturally. We call them visionaries. Philosopher Eckhart Tolle notes that visionaries are people

That function from the deeper core of their being – those who do not attempt to appear more than they are, but as simply themselves, stand out as remarkable, and are the only ones who truly make a difference in the world…Their mere presence, simple, natural and unassuming, has a transformational effect on whomever they come into contact with.”

That sounds pretty badass to me.

What does your Shadow look like? Tell me below.

27 DOs + DON’Ts for being a badass woman

I was invited to participate in Productive Flourishing’s ongoing “core conversation” about female empowerment.

Which got me thinking about what it means to be ‘empowered’ or to have and wield power. As always, I consulted some books — in this case Anne Doyle’s POWERING UP, Gloria Feldt’s NO EXCUSES and Linda Austin’s WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK? (excellent, all; I highly recommend them) — and came up with the list you see below. Said list is by no means exhaustive, so if you wish to add to it in the comments section, go ahead, I’d be delighted.

And just to add — I searched stock images for ‘powerful woman’ and ‘powerful womanhood’ and was depressed and dismayed at what came up. Apparently being a powerful woman means wearing a manly business suit, pretending to box, pretending to box while nearly naked, holding a gun, or standing alone. Lame. Incredibly lame. If you can find something better, please send it to me.

1. DO tune into your inner knowing/still small voice/intuition/north star/ whatever you want to call it. It’s a powerful form of nonverbal intelligence and keeps you tethered to what is really going on outside your head. The head and the gut should work together. DON’T get so trapped in your head that you ignore what your body is telling you.

2. DON’T get hung up on command-and-control definitions of power. DO redefine it. Think of it as power-to (inspire, lead for change and do cool epic shit) rather than power-over others.

3. DO develop your passions. If you don’t have any passions yet, settle for developing some “deep interests”. Or even just “interests”. If you keep following and following up on what intrigues you, those interests might develop into deep passions, or passionate interests, and wouldn’t that be groovy.

4. DO make it a point to regularly expose yourself to cool new experiences. The brain craves novelty, and without it you won’t be as happy or creative or inspired as you could be. And that would suck. You also need cool new experiences in order to discover your interests and passions (see #3).

5. DO live with intention. DON’T do something because society expects it or that’s how it “should” be done or things are “supposed” to turn out a certain way. That way lies doom. And many bad marriages. DO shape and define your own life, instead of having it defined for you.

6. DO cultivate a laser focus. DO stimulate, nurture and direct your awesome mind so that it can throw off cool unique ideas that go beyond what others are doing in your field. DO seek a way to synthesize your diverse interests, talents and experiences so you can apply your attention to one specific area. You can burn through steel that way. DO develop a body of significant achievement in one area. DON’T remain a “diamond in the rough” (lots of little achievements in different areas, or spending your energy and intelligence supporting the visions of others) — unless of course that is truly what you want and makes you satisfied.

7. DON’T secretly nurture a “rescue fantasy”: that the perfect job/man/lottery ticket is going to come along and take you away from all this. Give away your power to anyone or for any reason, and it will come back to bite you in the ass. Always. DO believe this.

8. DO realize that a woman’s career/accomplishment journey is often different from a man’s. Our culture celebrates young achievers, but many women don’t come into their true personal power until their 40s. If that’s you, DON’T dismiss yourself as second-tier or fail to take yourself seriously just because you’re following your own rhythm, not the culture’s.

9. DO master the game – so that you know how and where and when to break the rules. DO be brilliantly and strategically disruptive.

10. DO learn how to take the heat. We are forged in fire. Stand up to controversy, criticism and conflict. People will shout us down because they rely on us being polite and turning away. Surprise them.

11. DO seek out mentors, guides, coaches and role models. DO ask for help.

12. DO turn around and mentor others.

13. DO embrace the struggle. Those are our defining moments.

14. DO discover your purpose, which will allow you to find purpose in power. When we learn how to get personal satisfaction out of using power for positive change, we can overcome our ambivalence toward it – and maybe even have some fun with it.

15. DO learn how to talk money. I know. Ugh. (At least for me.) But DON’T stick your head in the financial sand or allow yourself to walk through life in a financial fog. It’s chipping away at your self-esteem and you know it.

16. DO be aware that if you take yourself out of the work world for any reason, you put yourself and your future at risk. Poverty rates tend to be highest for elderly women. DO decide that, come what may (death or divorce), you won’t ever end up in that group. And DO realize that the person in a relationship who makes more income (usually) has more power – and does less housework. DO learn to negotiate for yourself, even (or especially) at home.

17. DO speak first. That’s the person who frames the conversation and sets the terms for the debate. He – or she — who controls the frame, controls the conversation, and who controls the conversation always wins. DO remember that sometimes conversation is actually not about communication – it’s about who has power over whom.

18. If you don’t speak first, then DO be aware of how the other person is framing and controlling the conversation, especially if they’re doing it from a one-up position. Because you DON’T have to go along with it: you can walk away, laugh it off, or smile charmingly and call them on it.

19. DO have good clean fights. When it’s over, it’s over. Take what you learned and carry on.

20. DO learn your history as a woman who believes in equality between the genders (whether or not you consider yourself a feminist). Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. We want to move forward, not back.

21. DON’T wait to be chosen.

22. DON’T wait for permission.

23. DO embrace your ‘womaninity’. As Anne Doyle put it, “Our gender is a strength to be embraced and developed rather than an obstacle to be overcome.” DO be yourself, your whole self. DO relax in your skin. DO think like a woman and act like a woman.

24. DO travel. Get out of your own reality, so you can deepen and enrich your perspective on the world.

25. DO “drink at dangerous waters”, to quote Anne Doyle again. Take calculated risks (if you’re not comfortable with risk, you can practice by taking really small ones.) Get out into the world. Become socially multilingual. Seek a diversity of perspectives. Work and collaborate with rivals. Live on your “ragged edge” so that you are constantly expanding your comfort zone.

26. DO have a vision for yourself and others that excites and compels you. DO communicate that vision to others, especially if it’s altruistic in nature – people will come forward to help you.

27. DO support the sisterhood (even if you think it sounds corny or have issues with the word ‘sisterhood’). We are not the squabbling backbiting creatures from reality TV or the mean girls from high school. We are stronger together. No one gets anywhere alone. Men know this – and we should too. Pass it forward.

27 DOs + DON’Ts about being a badass woman

I was invited to participate in Productive Flourishing’s ongoing “core conversation” about female empowerment.

Which got me thinking about what it means to be ‘empowered’ or to have and wield power. As always, I consulted some books — in this case Anne Doyle’s POWERING UP, Gloria Feldt’s NO EXCUSES and Linda Austin’s WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK? (excellent, all; I highly recommend them) — and came up with the list you see below. Said list is by no means exhaustive, so if you wish to add to it in the comments section, go ahead, I’d be delighted.

And just to add — I searched stock images for ‘powerful woman’ and ‘powerful womanhood’ and was depressed and dismayed at what came up. Apparently being a powerful woman means wearing a manly business suit, pretending to box, pretending to box while nearly naked, holding a gun, or standing alone. Lame. Incredibly lame. If you can find something better, please send it to me.

1. DO tune into your inner knowing/still small voice/intuition/north star/ whatever you want to call it. It’s a powerful form of nonverbal intelligence and keeps you tethered to what is really going on outside your head. The head and the gut should work together. DON’T get so trapped in your head that you ignore what your body is telling you.

2. DON’T get hung up on command-and-control definitions of power. DO redefine it. Think of it as power-to (inspire, lead for change and do cool epic shit) rather than power-over others.

3. DO develop your passions. If you don’t have any passions yet, settle for developing some “deep interests”. Or even just “interests”. If you keep following and following up on what intrigues you, those interests might develop into deep passions, or passionate interests, and wouldn’t that be groovy.

4. DO make it a point to regularly expose yourself to cool new experiences. The brain craves novelty, and without it you won’t be as happy or creative or inspired as you could be. And that would suck. You also need cool new experiences in order to discover your interests and passions (see #3).

5. DO live with intention. DON’T do something because society expects it or that’s how it “should” be done or things are “supposed” to turn out a certain way. That way lies doom. And many bad marriages. DO shape and define your own life, instead of having it defined for you.

6. DO cultivate a laser focus. DO stimulate, nurture and direct your awesome mind so that it can throw off cool unique ideas that go beyond what others are doing in your field. DO seek a way to synthesize your diverse interests, talents and experiences so you can apply your attention to one specific area. You can burn through steel that way. DO develop a body of significant achievement in one area. DON’T remain a “diamond in the rough” (lots of little achievements in different areas, or spending your energy and intelligence supporting the visions of others) — unless of course that is truly what you want and makes you satisfied.

7. DON’T secretly nurture a “rescue fantasy”: that the perfect job/man/lottery ticket is going to come along and take you away from all this. Give away your power to anyone or for any reason, and it will come back to bite you in the ass. Always. DO believe this.

8. DO realize that a woman’s career/accomplishment journey is often different from a man’s. Our culture celebrates young achievers, but many women don’t come into their true personal power until their 40s. If that’s you, DON’T dismiss yourself as second-tier or fail to take yourself seriously just because you’re following your own rhythm, not the culture’s.

9. DO master the game – so that you know how and where and when to break the rules. DO be brilliantly and strategically disruptive.

10. DO learn how to take the heat. We are forged in fire. Stand up to controversy, criticism and conflict. People will shout us down because they rely on us being polite and turning away. Surprise them.

11. DO seek out mentors, guides, coaches and role models. DO ask for help.

12. DO turn around and mentor others.

13. DO embrace the struggle. Those are our defining moments.

14. DO discover your purpose, which will allow you to find purpose in power. When we learn how to get personal satisfaction out of using power for positive change, we can overcome our ambivalence toward it – and maybe even have some fun with it.

15. DO learn how to talk money. I know. Ugh. (At least for me.) But DON’T stick your head in the financial sand or allow yourself to walk through life in a financial fog. It’s chipping away at your self-esteem and you know it.

16. DO be aware that if you take yourself out of the work world for any reason, you put yourself and your future at risk. Poverty rates tend to be highest for elderly women. DO decide that, come what may (death or divorce), you won’t ever end up in that group. And DO realize that the person in a relationship who makes more income (usually) has more power – and does less housework. DO learn to negotiate for yourself, even (or especially) at home.

17. DO speak first. That’s the person who frames the conversation and sets the terms for the debate. He – or she — who controls the frame, controls the conversation, and who controls the conversation always wins. DO remember that sometimes conversation is actually not about communication – it’s about who has power over whom.

18. If you don’t speak first, then DO be aware of how the other person is framing and controlling the conversation, especially if they’re doing it from a one-up position. Because you DON’T have to go along with it: you can walk away, laugh it off, or smile charmingly and call them on it.

19. DO have good clean fights. When it’s over, it’s over. Take what you learned and carry on.

20. DO learn your history as a woman who believes in equality between the genders (whether or not you consider yourself a feminist). Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. We want to move forward, not back.

21. DON’T wait to be chosen.

22. DON’T wait for permission.

23. DO embrace your ‘womaninity’. As Anne Doyle put it, “Our gender is a strength to be embraced and developed rather than an obstacle to be overcome.” DO be yourself, your whole self. DO relax in your skin. DO think like a woman and act like a woman.

24. DO travel. Get out of your own reality, so you can deepen and enrich your perspective on the world.

25. DO “drink at dangerous waters”, to quote Anne Doyle again. Take calculated risks (if you’re not comfortable with risk, you can practice by taking really small ones.) Get out into the world. Become socially multilingual. Seek a diversity of perspectives. Work and collaborate with rivals. Live on your “ragged edge” so that you are constantly expanding your comfort zone.

26. DO have a vision for yourself and others that excites and compels you. DO communicate that vision to others, especially if it’s altruistic in nature – people will come forward to help you.

27. DO support the sisterhood (even if you think it sounds corny or have issues with the word ‘sisterhood’). We are not the squabbling backbiting creatures from reality TV or the mean girls from high school. We are stronger together. No one gets anywhere alone. Men know this – and we should too. Pass it forward.

thinking on the edge: how “conceptual blending” makes you more creative

You can become someone to be reckoned with by developing your deep interests and fusing them into a Molotov cocktail.

You could change the game that way.

You can become not only the best at what you do – but the only one who does the special voodoo that you do (and anybody else would come off as a cheap imitator).

Not so long ago I wrote a post about how to find your passion(s). One of the books I referenced was Andrew Halfacre’s FIRST, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT and in the comments section Andrew himself pointed out that

the search for a single overriding passion can be unhelpful – often its a patchwork of passions which you stitch together to keep you warm.

(Cal Newport thinks the word ‘passion’ has become overplayed and overrated, so he refers to “deep interests” instead.)

This reminds me of when Steve Jobs famously urged us to “connect the dots”.

Creativity is about combining and recombining different ideas. Creativity expert Michael Michalko calls it “conceptual blending” and points out that

Creativity in all domains, including science, technology, medicine, the arts, and day-to-day living, emerges from the basic mental operation of conceptually blending dissimilar subjects.

You take two remotely different things and force a connection between them. When your imagination finds a way to fill in the gaps – to connect the dots – to blend — that’s when you come up with the unpredictable idea.

(The good news is that the mind strives to do this anyway. The best way to shake up an old pattern of thinking is to throw in a new, seemingly unrelated element. The mind will work overtime trying to fit it into that pattern — until it alters the pattern. I did this with my novel-in-progress when I tossed an image of butterflies on my storyboard. My mind found a way to weave that image into the story and the story is richer for it.)

It’s the kind of idea that doesn’t just slightly improve something, but provides a whole new level of insight, a radically altered way of thinking, about a subject, category or genre.

It takes a ho-hum mp3 player and turns it into the iPod.

It takes an adult sex doll popular in Germany and turns it into Barbie.

It takes chick lit and dark fantasy and blends them into vampire fiction.

It takes literary realism and B-movie horror and blends them into Stephen King.

It takes modern art and African masks and blends them into Picasso.

It takes spiritual principles, business principles, and a dash of maverick poetry and blends them into Danielle LaPorte.

You see where I’m going with this.

Guy Kawasaki observed that “interesting stuff happens out on the edges” – where one material meets up with something different.

One force collides with an opposing force and they don’t just connect – they transform.

What are your edges? Have you found them yet?

click to tweet: get edgy: how thinking like Picasso makes you more creative

the art of combining opposites: Johnny Depp, the creative badass + the lover-warrior

1

Your heart is a weapon the size of your fist. Keep fighting. Keep loving.



I love this phrase. I saw it on a poster and then looked it up on the ‘Net, which says it originated as graffiti in Palestine.

Stripped of those associations, it still resonates.

It is, for example, a great rallying cry for the creative badass.

It reminds me of what Harriet Rubin in her book THE PRINCESSA refers to as the lover-warrior. This she says, is what a woman must be if she is to get all she wants (love, meaning, power, freedom, creative fulfillment, social change, wealth, success…).

She must be strategic and brilliantly disruptive, governed not by laws but by principle. She must change the nature of the game.

“The princessa,” Rubin states, “came to this earth to rearrange it.”

2

There is power in combining opposites, transferring skills and knowledge from one domain to the other.

There is a difference between fighting out of fear — and fighting for what you believe in.

You can be fierce and gentle. Formidable and vulnerable.

The creative badass fights for the right to be extreme, to ignite his inner freak, to defy easy categorization, to be a radical thinker, to express her true nature. To have love and power, in a culture that states you must sacrifice one for the other (so women seek love and men seek power).

3

Great ideas are disturbing. They overturn whatever body of knowledge they are connected to.

The creative badass seeks to be disturbed (and disturb the world in turn).

This takes moxie.

(And as a friend of mine recently put it: “You can fake orgasms, but you can’t fake moxie.”)

4

Psychologist Linda Austin observes that “the achieving woman must…separate and individuate from socially determined gender norms, which to this day decree that a woman is good, not great. At every step along her path she is challenged to draw upon her courage to assert her individuality.”

To be a creative badass – to pursue ambition and impact, self-expression and mastery — eventually requires a woman to redefine her sense of gender.

But I think this is true for men as well.

Recently I posted on my Facebook page a mouthwatering photo of actor Johnny Depp.

Let’s just say that a lot of women liked it. They liked it a lot.

Amid the comments, a man snorted, “Used to be the Marlboro Man. Now it’s mascara bandit.”



If you’re familiar with the Marlboro Man, you know that the powers of advertising invented him to transform Marlboros, in the collective public mind, from a woman’s cigarette to a man’s cigarette. It wasn’t about inciting female desire. It wasn’t about women at all. It was the culture’s big statement about what ‘macho’ is, what manhood means, just as limited and crippling in its own way as any passive, wide-eyed, thinking-hurts-my-brain, gosh-I-like-kittens sense of what it is to be a girl.

The Marlboro Man wasn’t off exploring his feelings, or reading pansy literature, or expressing his creativity. He wasn’t communing with nature instead of conquering it. He ate feelings for breakfast. Then he had a smoke. And if a ‘real man’ was going to write a story or paint a painting – much less pursue a career doing either – then by god, he would do manly things like hunting or brawling or binge drinking or drug taking to compensate. He might even kill himself doing them.

(He might just kill himself, period.)

The Marlboro Man is no longer in fashion – and the actor who played him is dead of lung cancer – but we’re not so many years removed from that. There are forces in this country that would like to move us back to that, who see the rejection of the Marlboro Man ideal as some hideous ‘feminization’ of the culture. Who would seek to put the ‘feminine’ in its place.

5

The creative badass fights for the right to speak in his or her real voice, which is an authentic voice, and thus a visionary one.

The creative badass understands that sometimes you have to seem like a contradiction in order to be whole.

And when a creative badass manages to break free, to be as eccentric as he or she wants to be and still meet with incredible mainstream success – Johnny Depp or Angelina Jolie – we love them because they had the power to do it their own way.

She wasn’t afraid to take risks, to offend people, to be wild and sexual and bold.

He wasn’t afraid of a little eyeliner.

And the fact that these are two of the most intensely desired individuals in our culture would seem to indicate that what is ‘masculine’ and what is ‘feminine’ is more complicated – and interesting – than traditional definitions would allow.

The creative badass understands this.

Even when the culture doesn’t.

how Joyce Carol Oates would launch a writing career today

1

A friend of mine was on a panel with Joyce Carol Oates. My friend is – as I am – a huge fan of JCO, so this was no small thing.

My friend was there to discuss ‘self-esteem’; Oates was there to discuss ‘self-promotion’.

(I forgot to ask the theme of the panel, but I guess it was self-centered.)

Someone in the audience asked the venerable Ms Oates what she would do today, if she had to launch a writing career all over again.

She said

(drum roll please)

“I would blog.”

She said

(I am paraphrasing)

“I would blog before I wrote a book. I would create a voice that connects, and I would build an audience online, and then I would write a book in that voice.”

Someone from the audience asked, So you would consider self-publishing?

“Yes! Of course!” In today’s publishing climate, she added, publishers won’t do anything to promote you “….until you’re…well…until you’re me.” However you’re published, the job is the same: finding and developing your audience. Breaking free from anonymity.

Someone from the audience asked, So you would abandon traditional publishing?

“No. Why not take advantage, when you can, of what they do best? But first, I would create a voice that connects with people. I would blog.”

2

Blogging is a form of marketing, yes. But the nature of marketing has changed. It is no longer about trumpeting a one-dimensional message to hordes of people who will then roll their eyes, ignore you and get on with their busy, busy lives.

It is about, as Marie Forleo – one of the most brilliant marketers I’ve ever come across – recently put it

Making an emotional connection with the people whom you’re meant to serve.

Entertainment is also about providing a well-crafted emotional experience for people.

And art seeks to move people on an emotional as well as intellectual level

– since the only way you can change people is to make them feel as well as think –

and I have yet to meet an artist who will say (with any conviction): Yes, when people engage with my stuff, I want them to feel absolutely nothing! I want to move them as little as possible! I want to leave their souls completely untouched!

3

It’s not that I think you should put the cart before the horse. But perhaps the cart has become a living part of the horse, like in some weird genetics experiment.

(See what happens when you mess with science.)

There’s a book called BAKED IN that talks about how, today, the best marketing is baked in to the product itself: the product is so relevant and compelling that it doesn’t need to manufacture ‘buzz’, it genuinely inspires conversation.

It creates an experience, it shifts your perspective in an unexpected way, it gives you what you didn’t know you wanted. And needed. It ‘gets’ you.

And it’s not born out of focus groups, elaborate theorizing, incremental improvements. It’s born out of observation, intuition, innovation, experimentation, practice. It has a spirit, a fearlessness, a sense of meaning, a story. It has balls (or ladyballs, as the case may be). It breaks with the past. It redefines the category.

There’s a movement within entrepreneurialism that refers to the lean startup (also the name of a book by Eric Ries). The basic gist is that you come up with an idea, make the most minimum, stripped-down version of that idea, do it quickly, and put it out there. You get feedback based on what people actually do with it (or don’t). You revise your product based on that feedback, do it quickly, and put it out there. You get feedback. You revise your product based on that feedback, do it quickly, and….You see where I’m going with this.

You iterate and reiterate and reiterate your MVP (minimum viable product) until you hit gold; you keep your expenses as lean as possible to make your resources last as long as possible so that you can reiterate as many times as you need. And it isn’t that you pander to the market so much as have this ongoing conversation with it: about what you have, and what you want to make and do, and where you and the market plug into each other. That’s when you find yourself electric.

Substitute ‘audience’ for ‘market’, and I think a blog is an artist’s lean startup – especially a writer’s lean startup. Like a startup, it requires an incredible investment of resources (time, energy, effort, blood, tears, guts, your firstborn child) with no guarantee of when or if you’ll turn a profit.

In this case it’s not a product but a voice* that you’re developing.

Your ‘voice’ isn’t just how you write but what you write about: the influences that you take from the world; the themes, obsessions, ideas that bend and shape your worldview. You keep going in the direction of what works. You revise or abandon what doesn’t. Each blog post is another piece of deliberate practice, another chance for feedback.

You are not compromising your vision or selling out to an audience (which you might not even have yet). You are discovering your places of relevance. You are locating those points where you connect, and resonate, and inspire conversation.

You throw down roots. You take nourishment. You grow.

*Let me stress that I am talking about developing a voice. I am not talking about publicly creating a character or writing a novel online or posting excerpts of fiction or throwing up trunk stories, which probably won’t translate well to blog form anyway.

authenticity rocks: how to radiate your way to success (as demo’d by Danielle LaPorte)

In an interview with Jonathan Fields, while “sing-songing her way through a longer answer to a question [he’d] posed about her success”, Danielle LaPorte said something intriguing:

“I decided to stop selling and start radiating.”



Jonathan, sharp tack that he is, jumped on this statement and forced her to elaborate:

Which led to a whole conversation about the immense power of working from a place not of force, but of ease. Of building a sense of integrity, authenticity, alignment, confidence and raised energy that literally draws people to you like moths to a light. One that attracts them by standing in your truth so fiercely and publicly, you begin to radiate…and others want to know how…and do it themselves.

Several things stand out to me about that paragraph:

“…you begin to radiate…”

Instead of pushing out her message – “Buy my book!” “Like my page!” “Read my blog!” – Danielle put in the time, study and life experience to develop a strong and captivating point of view — and a voice that’s unlike any blogger I’ve ever read (although imitated by many). She “radiated” it out through her blog White Hot Truth, and people liked it, and shared it with others, who also liked it, and shared it with others. (I found her through talented blogger Kelly Diels and passed her link on to several friends. Because Danielle’s stuff inspires you to do that.)

When you create heat and light online, people notice. This is what John Hagel calls the power of pull. Instead of interrupting people’s attention and shoving your message down their throats, you attract and seduce with the power of a unique, helpful and relevant point of view. It cuts through the clutter like light from a lighthouse: people orient to it, and use it to navigate their way in to shore.

Because that’s what we’re looking for, at least on some level. Yes, we want solutions to problems. Yes, we want to be educated and entertained. But we also seek a bright light to align ourselves with, so that we feel like we’re traveling to some better, higher place (aka ‘self-actualization’).

Danielle understands that. She provides tips for business and life that are actionable and concrete — while also gesturing at an overriding philosophy, a way of being in the world. It’s appealing. It doesn’t just help you figure out how to solve, or at least approach, a specific problem. It suggests to you the kind of you that you can and want to be. She offers an elevation of self.

And she’s very, very good at it.

“….standing in your truth….”

You stand in your truth when you speak from your soul. In Greek, the word for ‘soul’ is psyche. As Carol Gillian explains in her book THE BIRTH OF PLEASURE:

This ancient word carries the wisdom that we are more than our genetic makeup, more than our life histories, more than our cultural heritage. Whether conceived as a divine spark or as part of the natural wonder of the human being, the soul is the wellspring of our minds and our hearts, our voice and our capacity for resistance.

When Gillian says resistance she is referring to societal forces that would carve up your psyche and march you into line with conventional norms. You learn to silence your inner knowing in order to ‘know’ (and ‘not know’) what external forces dictate you should in order to be loved (and not risk social exile). As one woman says to Gilligan in a study: “Do you want to know what I think….Or do you want to know what I really think?”

Speaking up, and out, comes at a cost. It feels risky. It feels like you’re putting yourself out there – and you are. You’ll get criticized. Some people will disagree with your ideas and despise what you stand for (and it’s hard not to take that personally). But Danielle LaPorte recognizes that when you start to live, work and speak authentically:

The various parts of your life start to groove…Mighty or discreet, authenticity is the muscle that helps you shake up believes, policies and restraints, and gives you the strength to do the things some say can’t be done. Being genuine is the foundation of integrity – often inconvenient and not always painless – but the only way to go if you’re here to really, truly, fully live. (from her book THE FIRESTARTER SESSIONS)

“….so fiercely and publicly….”

Just because you know and speak your truth – a great act in itself, don’t get me wrong –doesn’t mean that the rest of us will pay attention. To speak fiercely requires a compelling voice and the ability to amplify it.

Your voice is your perspective, your worldview, your signature style. Your voice is a projection of who you are. Other people absorb it, construct their mental sense of you around it. It’s what you say and how you say it. It’s your form and your function, your message and your medium.

Your voice makes you original (or not). Other people can teach what Danielle teaches – and they do. They can read the same books, source the same pools of wisdom. But it’s the way those ideas get filtered through Danielle’s voice, how they combine with her sensibility and life experience, that makes Danielle irreplaceable. Accept no substitutes, because there are none.

As Austin Kleon points out in his book STEAL LIKE AN ARTIST:

Nobody is born with a style or a voice. We don’t come out of the womb knowing who we are. In the beginning, we learn by pretending to be our heroes. We learn by copying.

Copying, he is quick to point out, is about practice, not plagiarism (which is when you try to pass off someone’s work as your own) . You don’t want to steal the style so much as “the thinking behind the style”, in order to “internalize their way of looking at the world”.

At some point you’ll move from imitation (copying) to emulation (breaking through to your own thing). Kleon points out that, because we’re human, we’re incapable of a perfect copy. Kleon quotes Conan O’Brien:

“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.”

For example. I like personal style (which is not the same as fashion), and I have always liked Kate Moss’s style, and when I was in my twenties I tried to copy it. But I have a different body type than Kate, so what looks good on her doesn’t necessarily look good on me (and vice versa). So I took elements of Kate’s style and adapted them to my growing sense of how to dress in a way that flatters my proportions. In that gap between trying to be Kate, and failing to be Kate, I developed my own style.

You find those areas where you fall short of your ideal, those reasons why you can’t be your ideal, and in that space you find yourself. You exploit those differences. You explore them. You build on them. And, eventually, people will be imitating you.

“…and others want to know how…”

A compelling voice is a relevant voice. You center yourself in that place where your reader’s concerns overlap with your own. It’s not enough just to speak; you have to speak in a way that creates value for others; that provides insight, solutions to problems, education, escape, entertainment. Everybody’s so busy. It’s not enough for them to know that you exist; they have to know why they should care that you exist.

“…and do it themselves….”

Because, as many motivational gurus have pointed out (which doesn’t make it any less true): the way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. One way to do that is to walk your talk; to resonate; to be an example.

To radiate.

Also known as being authentic.

Because when you tell your story, you give other people permission to tell theirs.

There’s that saying – “you have to see it to be it.” Even if it’s just in your own mind. No one thought that a human being could run a mile in less than four minutes – until people saw someone actually do it. Then lots of people could do it. (I cannot. I’d rather eat cupcakes.)

Stepping out on your own can feel, sometimes, like stepping into the void – but when you’re relevant and compelling, when you’re speaking from your soul, you’ll find that other people start to join you there. And the great thing is, because you’re being authentic, they are responding to the real you and not to some mask that you’re wearing.

because you’re a creative badass

because you’re a creative badass

because you’re an intellectual outlaw

because you’re in the wisdom business

because we are what we make

because the world is your stomping ground

because the decisions you make out of fear

are the decisions you know you’ll regret

because you never believed those old stories anyway

because there has got to be another path

and you’ll forge it yourself if you have to

(goddammit)

because there is joy when you master the tough stuff

because you live off your ragged edge

because you don’t shy away from the uncomfortable conversations

because those so-called failures only taught

you what you didn’t know you needed to know

(nor did anyone else)

because mistakes can be an art in themselves

because freedom is sweet

because everything connects

and it’s so easy to forget this

because what you learn you can turn around and share with others

because when you heal yourself you can turn around and heal others

because you have to get the party started

because when you find your audience

you find yourself

and vice versa

because small things add up to big things

and big things add up to a world

because you will kick out the broken paradigm

and find the gorgeous alternative

even if you’re not sure yet exactly how

because you refuse to live divided inside yourself

because it hurts to do it

because it hurts more not to do it

because sometimes pain is just a sign your soul is changing

because you have the right to invent yourself

because you have the right to reinvent yourself

because no one has the right to tell you who you are

because you shouldn’t have to choose between being honest and being loved

(and when you find your tribe, you don’t have to)

because you live in that squeeze-space of creative tension

and it’s groovy

because you press the collective soul-nerve

because you crave impact

because you deserve to have a say

because the universe is infinite

and we are not.

tweet me (click to tweet): because you’re a creative badass

lessons from chernobyl

1

I had the chance to go to Chernobyl, so I took it.

When people found out about my destination, there came the inevitable jokes – because, you know, nothing is so hilarious as nuclear radioactivity. (Black humor, remember, is a valuable coping mechanism.) I was informed that a “young lady” like me would “find herself with a lovely glow” , that the two-headed cows were considered a delicacy. I retorted that I hoped to come back with a superpower.

I started thinking about death.

It would be that kind of trip.

2

I was thinking about a blog post entitled Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. Written by an Australian nurse named Bronnie Ware, the post hit a collective soul-nerve, went viral, and landed her a book deal.

The most common regret, writes Bonnie, is

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

She writes:

….When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.



It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

But what does it mean, exactly, to live a life that is “true to yourself”? I can’t help thinking that it’s a bit like telling people to “be remarkable!” Great concept, vague concept, so what does it mean in a practical, nuts-and-bolts sense?

To live a life that is true and authentic to who you are — to have the opportunity to do that — is to turn life itself into a work of art. Art is about the making of meaning. And as Seth Godin points out, “all artists are self-taught”. This doesn’t mean that you should commit to a life of pseudo-striving, or that you can avoid in any sense the blood, sweat, tears and turmoil, the ambiguity and uncertainty, the years of deliberate practice that go into the making of any artist.

But the meaning you create is your own, and how you convey that meaning to others depends on your unique voice and skillset.

3

My boyfriend and I spent a night in Kiev, then a guide and driver drove us out to meet up with the study tour. We ended up walking down a long road into a ‘zone one’ area, where a village had been evacuated shortly after Chernobyl. The houses had all collapsed. You saw remains of foundations, gaping holes in the ground where cellars had been.

We ran into some locals who were on a pilgrimage to the nearby cemetery. They told us – through a translator – how it had unfolded for them. They read about the Chernobyl “incident” in a newspaper – a couple of lines that referred to an accident at the plant. They began to realize it was serious when government buses appeared to take away the children, and then the adults, for what they were told would be a “three-day stay” at a nearby camp. The entire village was relocated.

We visited families in other villages who told us about the impact of Chernobyl on their lives, their health, their children’s health. Green Cross International was providing access to medical care and in some cases microfinancing family businesses. One family showed us their rabbit-breeding business, taking visible delight in the creatures, picking them up and fondling them and inviting us to hold them.

I wanted to know if these people were angry. To be kicked out of their homes. Watching their children grow up on contaminated soil, constantly sick, missing school.

The answer came back:

No. It is life in the Ukraine.

Back at the hotel, my boyfriend and I learned that, despite our late addition to the group, we had been granted permission to travel with them to “the forbidden zone” the next day and see the abandoned city of Pripyat. In a surprise twist, we were also going to see the nuclear reactor itself.

I’m not much of a drinker, but that night a man from Moscow showed me how to shoot spiced vodka – followed by a quick bite of pork and bread – and I proved an apt pupil.

4

Thinking about death can be beneficial. One psychologist writes about a study in which depressed people thought about death for a week, and became less depressed:

…because it also increased their interest in intrinsic motivations (relationships, self-growth, helping others), which stand in contrast to extrinsic motivations (fame, wealth, physical appearance).

…. psychotherapist Irvin Yalom has argued that people naturally avoid thinking about death because it hurts. But over time, such a heightened increased awareness that life could end causes an “awakening,” which leads people to adjust their values and time commitments. Specifically, people no longer are concerned with impressing others, or looking good, or even that new promotion. Instead, they are focused on doing what they enjoy, and living a free, authentic life.

There it is again: that idea of a free, authentic life.

“A life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

We’re not a culture that’s comfortable with thoughts of death, or anything else that causes discomfort; our initial impulse is to work or drink or have sex or spend money instead. We seek distraction and stimulation, and excel at finding both. At what price, though, to us and to others?

Could that be the difference between asking How can I get rich and famous and afford that new Mercedes and What can I create today that has resonance and meaning for me [and thus hopefully for others]?

5

To get to Chernobyl you get on a train that takes you out into a very pretty countryside. The nuclear reactor looms along the horizon like some prehistoric creature raising itself against the sky. To enter the plant we had to show our passports to guards at the gate, who matched them to the pre-approved names on their lists: I couldn’t help being reminded, in a bizarre and unsettling way, of getting into velvet-rope nightclubs when I was younger.

We were put on a bus and basically told not to take photographs of anything except the Chernobyl memorial.

Here is the memorial:

And then we visited the city of Pripyat, the former home of Chernobyl workers, now a ghost city in the Alienation Zone. We were told – again – not to step off the pavement, to avoid any contact with the vegetation. We were told not to enter any of the buildings. We saw what used to be a hotel, what used to be an arts center, what used to be an amusement park. Nature was reclaiming it all, spreading moss across the pavement and growing pine trees in the windows, profoundly indifferent to the absence of human life.

Later, we attended a memorial service in the city of Slavutich, which was hurriedly constructed to replace Pripyat and house a dispossessed population of roughly 50,000. It was midnight. I was standing and shivering in the middle of an open plaza. A crowd had gathered, shadowy figures in the near-dark, clutching votive candles and flowers. Ceremonial music began to play. A line of young people wound their way down through the square, carrying candlelit globes of a radiant fuchsia that picked out their progress in the darkness. They formed a human corridor and the rest of us began to drift along inside it, toward the front of the square where a shrine had been erected and dedicated to those who had died in the accident. The music stopped. The young people dropped to their knees. There was silence, and then the sound of sirens. A row of people dressed as Chernobyl workers took up position along the front of the shrine. The music began again, and Matt and I moved through the shrine and set down our flowers amid the candles, the photographs.

I was thinking about Chernobyl. I was thinking about 9/11, images of the towers, falling. I was thinking about the death of my ten-week-old son, from SIDS. I sensed the vast and collective nature of loss, of grief and trauma and suffering; we think we suffer alone, but we are mistaken. There are always others with us, moving slowly in the dark.

6

I saw a foreign movie once, years ago, in which a character proclaimed, “Life wants to live,” and it does. It will crawl through the cracks and grow in the windows. It will break through the ceilings so the sunlight gets in.

We live in relationship to each other, and to the earth itself. We forget this at our peril. We make art to remind ourselves of this: to illuminate — and question and challenge — those relationships. We take the truths of life that science can’t capture and put them into stories so that others may learn the lessons of conflict, struggle and disaster. If we can’t connect through these experiences, I don’t think there’s much hope for us.

To live a free and authentic life is to find a way to honor that small still voice within you, deeply personal and yet somehow universal. It is to stay connected to yourself, and through yourself to the human community. It is to create meaning from your experiences. I can no longer buy into the romantic drama of the isolated artist because art itself is connective. Without it, life becomes a ghost town, an Alienation Zone of one’s own.

Why we, especially as incredibly privileged Westerners, need the presence of death to wake us up to this –

We seem to need to deepen the darkness in order to find the light.

tweetable (click to tweet): we deepen the darkness in order to find the light