Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 603
June 30, 2011
Revising seventeenth century essayists for the better
My friend, Shep, sent me this quote today, which he liked a lot:
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
-Jean de la Bruyere, essayist and moralist (1645-1696)
I liked it, too, but in my ever-present mission to get a quote in Bartlett's Book of Familiar Quotations, I revised the quote to something I think is even better:
Life is tragedy for optimists, comedy for realists, and reality for pessimists.
- Matthew Dicks, novelist and curmudgeon (1971-present)
It might be my best yet.
As such, I have added it to the list that the editors of Bartlett's should be considering closely.
_______________________________________
1. Brevity is the sou
2. Lost potential is impossible to measure and convenient to ignore.
3. I wrote term papers as a means of flirting with girls.
4. In my most treasured friendships, there is little room for hurt feelings.
5. Ambiguity in the possible death of a character is an act of cowardice on the writer's part.
6. Most of my time in bed is spent struggling to stay alive.
7. Don't let anyone fool you. Death is hardest on the dead.
8. Passive-aggressive, indirect, and anonymous are three of my least favorite forms of communication.
9. Nothing convinces me more about the stupidity of human beings than driving in the vicinity of the mall on a Saturday afternoon.
10. I am more impressed with the quality of a person's questions than with the quality of their answers.
11. It is all about me, but you're welcome to occupy space.
12. Spock said that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but what if the many are incredibly stupid?
13. You can determine the effectiveness of a teacher by the frequency by which you can enter the classroom and speak to the teacher without grinding learning to a halt.
14. If you are not delegating enough, you are not lazy enough.
15. Life is tragedy for optimists, comedy for realists, and reality for pessimists.
Our own little sweatshop
While I was mowing the lawn, my wife made a skirt for my daughter.
A skirt.
Sure, it takes a long time to write a novel, and it requires a modicum of creativity and skill.
But she made a skirt.
Just whipped it out like it was nothing. Then she made two more.
And another as a gift.
I don't know why we ever need to buy clothing again.
Once is fine. But this is a pattern of stupidity.
I'm almost finished reading THOSE GUYS HAVE ALL THE FUN: INSIDE THE WORLD OF ESPN.
Amongst the many controversies cited in the book is Jemele Hill's regrettable reference to Hitler in a 2008 editorial about the NBA playoffs. In describing why she could not support the Celtics in the NBA playoffs, she wrote:
Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It's like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan. Deserving or not, I still hate the Celtics.
For her comments, Hill was suspended for a week without pay.
At first I felt bad for Hill, understanding how her comment, while lacking nuance, was not meant to offend. As a fan of the Detroit Pistons, she was merely pointing out that once you hate a sports team like the Celtics because of the affinity you have for your team, it is impossible to ever alter your position.
As I told a friend, it's probably a good idea to avoid referencing Hitler in all metaphors, particularly if you are in the media.
At least to avoid Godwin's Law.
Then I went to her Wikipedia page to see what Hill has done since the controversy.
Under the heading of Controversy was this:
In 2009, Hill was at the center of a controversy after telling Green Bay Packers fans to give Brett Favre the "Duracell treatment," implying that fans at Lambeau Field should throw batteries at the former Packer quarterback.
Later in 2009, Hill once again was reprimanded for her comments after comparing University of Kentucky Wildcats men's basketball coach John Calipari to Charles Manson. She later apologized to the university.
Suddenly, I stopped feeling bad for her.
One good-intentioned miscue? Fine.
But encouraging fans to throw batteries at an NFL quarterback?
And comparing a college basketball coach to Charles Manson?
With the thousands of resumes that ESPN receives every year, I cannot imagine why she is still with the company.
June 29, 2011
Unforgettable duet
Tonight I put my daughter to bed on my own. She asked me to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I started singing, and then she joined me.
A first.
We sang the whole thing together.
I'm writing it down now so I won't forget this moment, but I suspect that it won't be necessary.
The world is a strange, strange place
Things like this remind me of how little we perceive of our world:
June 28, 2011
Look! Another politician cant simply admit to making a historical mistake.
As I've said before, I'm not happy when lawmakers make simple historical blunders, but I can live with them.
Nobody's perfect.
It's the refusal to admit that you have made a mistake that I cannot stand, and it only serves to make the initial mistake even worse.
Today's case in point:
In an attempt to explain away her claim that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery (even though many of them owned slaves), Michele Bachmann attempts to lump our sixth President, abolitionist John Quincy Adams, into the group of founding fathers, even though he was nine years old at the time that the Declaration of Independence was written and a twenty year old college student at the time of the writing and adoption of the US Constitution.
Congratulations, Michele. You just made yourself look even more idiotic.
Just say, "Yup, I screwed up," and move on. Admit your mistake and it will be forgotten in a day or two.
Otherwise your Good Morning America interview will go viral, thousands of bloggers write about your blunder-to-explain-a-blunder, and the story continues.
Honestly, who are advising these morons?
I walk like a duck. And perhaps its how I should be playing golf, too. And maybe I should just quit.
I was playing golf with friends yesterday when one of them, a longtime friend and colleague who plays well and has taught me a great deal about the game, said, "I've been watching your feet. The way they impact your game."
"And?"
"Most people walk with their feet pointed straight ahead," she said. "But you walk like a duck, with your feet pointed out. But when you go to hit the ball, you straighten our your feet, which would be normal if you didn't walk like a duck."
"Are you saying I should stand like a duck when I hit the ball?" I asked.
"Yeah. Like you normally stand."
My fellow players found this extremely amusing. One suggested I also quack like a duck when I hit the ball as well.
I punched him.
It's true that I walk like a duck, though I didn't realize it was so universally known. For years, I played the bass drum in our high school's marching band, and in order to avoid being blown over by the wind, I hard to turn my feet outward to steady myself. Otherwise the drum would've act like a sail and the wind would've knock me over.
Sadly, this foot position eventually became ingrained, and it's still how I walk today.
And apparently how I should be playing golf.
I may have to quit the game.
I walk like a duck. And perhaps its how I should be playing golf, too. And maybe I should just quit.
I was playing golf with friends yesterday when one of them, a longtime friend and colleague who plays well and has taught me a great deal about the game, said, "I've been watching your feet. The way they impact your game."
"And?"
"Most people walk with their feet pointed straight ahead," she said. "But you walk like a duck, with your feet pointed out. But when you go to hit the ball, you straighten our your feet, which would be normal if you didn't walk like a duck."
"Are you saying I should stand like a duck when I hit the ball?" I asked.
"Yeah. Like you normally stand."
My fellow players found this extremely amusing. One suggested I also quack like a duck when I hot the ball as well.
I punched him.
It's true that I walk like a duck, though I didn't realize it was so universally known. For years, I played the bass drum in our high school's marching band, and in order to avoid being blown over by the wind, I hard to turn my feet outward to steady myself. Otherwise the drum would've act like a sail and the wind would've knock me over.
Sadly, this foot position eventually became ingrained, and it's still how I walk today.
And apparently how I should be playing golf.
I may have to quit the game.
Five rules to guarantee a successful the public marriage proposal
I just watched three of the most gut-wrenching failed public marriage proposals ever. The most cringe-worthy moments you could ever imagine.
For your enjoyment, have posted them (along with the best public marriage proposal of all time) below.
As a veteran of a successful public marriage proposal, please allow me to offer a few simple rules in order to ensure that your public proposal does not end as tragically as it did for these gentlemen:
1. If you are nervous about proposing to your girlfriend, you should not be attempting a public marriage proposal. You probably shouldn't be proposing marriage at all if you are nervous, but if you must, do so privately.
2. Though you will be framing your proposal in the form of a question, this should be a formality rather than a genuine request. You should be 100% certain of your girlfriend's answer before attempting the public marriage proposal. This probably means that you have discussed the possibility of marriage with your girlfriend beforehand and even checked with her closest friends to ensure that she will be amenable to the offer.
3. If you are someone who does not speak effectively in public, do not attempt the public marriage proposal. Most women would prefer a heartfelt, well spoken, private moment to a stilted, sweaty, semi-articulate public proposal.
4. The public marriage proposal is not the time to try new things. If you are not a professional singer, do not attempt to sing during your proposal. If you are not a poet, do not propose via verse. You are asking a woman to marry you. Not some new, amateur version of yourself.
5. Most important, remember that you are also jeopardizing your girlfriend's feelings and dignity when attempting the public marriage proposal. Placing a girl in the position of having to walk away from a man on bended knee in front of an audience is unnecessarily cruel and tragically stupid, so this is not the time for any fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants risk-taking. You are not the only one who can get hurt by a failed marriage proposal. Act with appropriate prudence.
And now, I give you the single greatest public marriage proposal of all time:
June 27, 2011
The stupidest simile in the whole wide world
Without question, the stupidest metaphor simile in the history of metaphors similes is drunk as a skunk.
It is a metaphor simile not based upon meaning but simply upon rhyme.
Skunks have absolutely nothing to do with alcohol consumption or inebriation.
Skunk and drunk rhyme. That is the extent of the metaphor simile.
That makes it incredibly stupid.
As stupid as:
Big as a twig
As sad as glad
As nice as an improvised explosive device
Except these aren't universally utilized metaphors similes.
Drunk as a skunk is.
Please help me put an end to it.
And please forgive my initial stupidity.
