Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 602

Hands off my little girl, buster!

When my wife sends me photos of my daughter from an afternoon of fun, I don't expect them to be littered with images of some blond-haired interloper who appears to be getting overly friendly with my little girl. 

I'm not ready for that.  Not for a very, very long time.

  

These are the kinds of things that I want to see my daughter getting friendly with at the farm. 

Cats.

Bunnies would be fine, too.  

Not golden-haired ne'er-do-wells. 

Check out my body. Regularly.

Over the last week I have heard two stories about men who discovered cancer in their bodies through freak accidents. 

In the first, a spectator was hit in the head with the golf ball at a PGA event, and during his examination by paramedics, a lump in his throat was found which turned out to be thyroid cancer.

The man had no idea that he even had a lump in his throat, and as a result, it is likely that the cancer would have spread before he even knew that there was something wrong.

See him talk about it here:

In the second story, a man goes to his doctor for a shoulder problem and an MRI is done.  The results of the shoulder examination were negative, but the MRI managed to pick up a portion of his lung as well, which was spotted with the metastasized cells from renal cancer. 

Had he not gone to his doctor with the shoulder injury, he would be dead today.  

Listen to him talk about it here:

All this leaves me wondering:

Should we be seeing our doctors more often?

Should bi-annual full body scans become standard procedure?

Would the increased cost of office visits and MRIs be offset by early detection?

Is this a common scenario, or do these two men represent a two-in-a-million story?

Doctors, medical personnel, and opinionate readers, please weigh in.  I find it terrifying to think that I could have a cancer growing in my body and be forced to wait until the symptoms become so pronounced that I am forced into the doctor's office, too little, too late. 

But perhaps I am overreacting.

This movie poster might be better than the book and the film. And the movie is great.

Best movie poster ever.

If you can't tell why, tilt your screen down. 

Then say, "Whoa."

If you haven't seen the movie, stop reading immediately and go do so.  You will be the better for it, and this poster will make a lot more sense to you.

And though I rarely say this, I'd advise you see the movie before reading the book.  This is one of those exceptionally rare instances in which the film is much better than the book.

Other instances include The Firm, Forrest Gump, Jaws and The Shawshank Redemption (though in fairness, The Shawshank Redemption is based upon a novella and not a full length novel).

Pancakes and a geometry lesson

Before breakfast arrived yesterday morning, my daughter and I engaged in a geometry lesson. 

She can identify circles, hearts, squares and triangles. 

She's a big fan of triangles. 

I love the look of concentration on her face as we discuss the various geometric shapes.  She is a very serious girl.

Once she removed the sunglasses, that is.

    

Relax, lady. Its a picture book and its funny.

You have probably heard about the new book GO THE F***K TO SLEEP. 

If not, it is a New York Times bestselling picture book written for adults that plays on the frustration that some parents feel when trying to get their children to go to sleep. 

It is crass, vulgar, slightly repetitious and exceptionally funny.

This is why I was so surprised when I saw this review on CNN, which categorized the book as portraying "the hostile environment in which too many children grow up."

Author Karen Spears Zacharias writes:

For far too many kids, the obscenities found in Mansbach's book are a common, everyday household language. Swearing is how parents across the social, educational and economic strata express their disappointments or anxieties, their frustrations and outright anger at their children. Sometimes the biggest bully in the neighborhood lives in the same house you do. Sometimes it's your parent.

Um… okay.  Sure.  Parents probably swear too much at their children, and if so, that's a terrible thing.

And some parents are verbally abusive.   

But does this preclude an author from using obscenities in a book directed at adults?

Until we find a way to end the bullying of children at the hands of their parents, no one can write a satirical portrayal of the process of putting a kid to bed?

This seems a little extreme to me. 

But this was my favorite part of the review: 

Imagine if this were written about Jews, blacks, Muslims or Latinos," says Dr. David Arredondo. He is an expert on child development and founder of The Children's Program, in the San Francisco metropolitan area, which provides consultation and training for those working with troubled youths.

It is hard to imagine this kind of humor being tolerated by any of the marginalized groups Arredondo cited. Consider the lines on page 3:

"The eagles who soar thru the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep.
I know you are not thirsty. That's bulls**t.
Stop lying.
Lie the f*** down, my darling, and sleep."

Um… again I say yes.  If Adam Mansbach wrote a book that depicted Muslims or Latinos or Jews as liars, I agree that it would not be well received.

I'm not sure how they feel about being referred to as "marginalized" but yes, writing a book that tells African Americans to shut up, lie down, stop their lying and go to sleep would not be a good idea. 

But is this genuine analysis or more akin to declaring that the sky is blue?

Perhaps we can get Karen Spears Zacharias and Dr. David Arredondo a couple of Captain Obvious costumes. 

Congratulations, guys!  You've discovered that insulting people based upon their racial or religious backgrounds is not cool. 

But satirically portraying a feeling that many parents have had, and capturing the inner dialogue of these parents in an amusing and authentic way is funny. 

It's very funny.

Cheerio on board

My daughter fell asleep in the midst of eating Cheerios.

There was a Cheerio in her little fingers when she nodded off, and when my wife woke her, her arm instantly continued its ascent to her mouth as if there had been no interruption.

She ate the Cheerio and then immediately fell back to sleep, releasing the bag in the process.

Must be nice to be able to eat and sleep at the same time.

   

Many jobs

The Times recently published a piece about the need for people in this economy to have more than one job.

The lead reads:

When someone asks Roger Fierro "What do you do?" — which he knows is shorthand for "Where do you work?" — he laughs. Then he says, "I do everything."

Eight months ago I wrote a post with a lead that read:

Whenever I play golf, I find myself meeting new people and having to answer the question, "What do you do for a living?"

This is tricky for me.  I often think of myself as having at least three jobs.

Had I been writing my post in the third person, our leads might have been identical. 

Even so, I was unimpressed with the Times piece only because the need and/or desire to possess more than one job is hardly new.  I know many, many people who have had two or more jobs for years.

Last night, for example, the woman who waited on my wife and I was working two jobs in addition to her position as waitress in order to save money for a house. 

Multiple jobs is actually quite common.   

In fact, there has almost never been a time in my life when I had just one job.

As a result, I frequently counsel my friends to always have at least two jobs:

One primary gig and another dream career on the side. 

Regardless of the seeming stability of your primary career, you never know when catastrophe can strike.  Businesses fail.  Paradigms shift.  Industries crumble.  Having a second career is the safety net that will save you in the event of an emergency.

Either that or you can be a loser and move back in with your parents. 

But for those of us without the parental safety net (and/or dignity), the second career can be a lifesaver. 

Most important, developing that second career provides you with options and variety that a person with only one job does not have.  As much as you love your job, there is no telling how you will feel in two, five or ten years. 

Options are always good.  

I'm not saying to work 80 hours a week.  You can work 40 hours at your primary job and 5 hours at your secondary career.  Just have another iron in the fire, and make damn sure it's something that you love. 

This is how I managed to start my own DJ company and become a novelist and minister.

These were dream jobs that I developed while teaching.

My current dream jobs are life coach and professional best man.   

Still looking for clients.

Hint hint.

Girl at fence

Years from now, my daughter will ask:

"What was I gazing at, Daddy, with such earnestness?  A towering mountaintop?  A raging river?  A brilliant sunset?  An unpredictable, albeit bright, future."

And I will say:

"No, honey.  It was sheep."

I can make even the most hardened FBI agent crazy

The members of the Westboro Baptist Church—the lunatic fringe group that pickets soldiers' funerals with hate speech, was recently invited to Quantico Marine Base in Virginia to assist in training agents on how to stay calm when dealing with a witness or suspect with whom they would "have a strong, visceral disagreement."

The program was quickly ended when FBI agents balked at the idea of working with hate mongers.

But if FBI agents truly require this kind of training, I have a solution:

Me.

While I despise everything that the Westboro Baptist Church stands for, I have been playing Devil's Advocate for most of my life, and I am perfectly capable of assuming some of the most ludicrous and offensive positions known to man for the sake of national security. 

I may not believe in the requisite lunatic position, but I promise to convince you otherwise.

For a nominal fee, of course.

And travel expenses. 

Resolution update: June 2011

1.  Lose 23 pounds, bringing me down to my high school track and field weight.

Down fourteen pounds since the beginning of the year. Nine to go.

Even my doctor noticed my weight loss at my recent visit. 

2.  Do at least 50 100 200 push-ups and 50 100 sit-ups a day.

I have increased sit-up goal to 100 a day, simply because 50 had become a joke.  Even the 200 push-ups are becoming relatively easy, so I have changed my routine from sets of 25 push-ups at a time to sets of 40 at a time with shorter breaks in between.

There was a day when my wife and daughter were in New York when I did 600 push-ups in a day.

I did, however, miss a total of six days in June because of illness. 

3.  Practice the flute for at least an hour a week.

No practice.  

4.  Find a wine that I can drink every night or so.

No wine consumed in June.  

5.  Complete my fifth novel.

Five chapters into my newest book and things are still going well.  My agent has the first 10,000 words to review, and I must now shift into revision mode for MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND, which will stall things for about a week. 

6.  Complete and submit one children's book to my agent.

Still done.  While my agent liked the book, the children's book agent thought it needed work.  She liked the concept a lot and thought it had potential, but she suggested I revise it in a way that I am not sure I like.  So I'm stuck, trying to decide what to do.  I kind of love it just the way it is. 

7.  Complete the book proposal for the non-fiction collaborative project that I began last year.

I have a meeting in August to begin work on this project.       

8.  Complete an outline for my memoir

Work continues, and some writing has actually commenced as well. 

9.  Convince my sister to write on http://107federalstreet.blogspot.com at least once a week and do the same myself.

No progress yet.

10.  Drink at least four glasses of water every day.

Done.

11.  Complete at least one of the three classes required for me to teach English on the high school level.

Nothing done yet.

12.  Try liver.

Nope.

13.  Publish an Op-Ed in a national newspaper.

Nope.

14.  Participate in The Moth as a storyteller, at a live show or on their radio broadcast.

Great progress!  My Moth pitch has made it to the website, where it currently has the most votes.  I have been informed that this is a curatorial process, so a committee will assess my story pitch based upon total votes, overall rating from the voters and their overall assessment of the pitch.  I wait to hear what they have decided.

I am also attending a live Moth event on July 12, where I plan on placing my name in the hat and hopefully getting picked to tell a story onstage.

15. See our rock opera (The Clowns) performed on stage as a full production or in a dramatic reading format.

Our dramatic reading at the local playhouse is scheduled for November 5 and 6.

16.  Organize my basement.

Progress continues at a decent pace.

17.  Land at least one paying client for my fledgling life coach or professional best man business.

None.  But I'll remind you again that 've added professional best man to the list.  Please keep me in mind.  

18. Rid Elysha and myself of all education debt before the end of the year.

Still waiting on the funding.

19. Replace the twelve ancient windows on the first and second floor of the house with more energy efficient ones.

Still waiting on the funding.

20. Make one mortgage payment from poker profits.

No poker in June.  I remain stuck on a little less than 25% of a mortgage payment so far. 

21. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done.