Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 604

The stupidest metaphor in the whole wide world

Without question, the stupidest metaphor in the history of metaphors is drunk as a skunk. 

It is a metaphor not based upon meaning but simply upon rhyme. 

Skunks have absolutely nothing to do with alcohol consumption or inebriation.

Skunk and drunk rhyme.  That is the extent of the metaphor.

That makes it incredibly stupid.

As stupid as:

Big as a twig

As sad as glad

As nice as an improvised explosive device

Except these aren't universally utilized metaphors. 

Drunk as a skunk is.

Please help me put an end to it.

The graduation celebratory sheet has gone too far

Sometimes I get unnecessarily annoyed, so this could admittedly be one of those occasions.

But I don't think so. 

Ever since the beginning of June, the Connecticut landscape has exploded with painted bed sheets congratulating recent high school graduates on their achievements.  Hanging on fences, across bridges, and and between trees and poles, these sheets are everywhere, and I can't help but feel that:

The world was a much better looking place without them Graduation celebrations were hardly wanting before the advent of the celebratory sheet We may be overvaluing the high school diploma

    

Far be it for me to underscore the value of education, but in my mind, a high school diploma is the expectation for every young person.

It is a student's job.

In return for housing and food and clothing, a kid is supposed to get an education in order to become self-sufficient and self-sustaining, and while graduation is a time for celebration, I'm not entirely sure that it is sheet-worthy.

After all, I have to assume that some of these sheets are congratulating lazy, talent-wasting kids whose GPAs are well below the Mendoza line.

Could we at least establish a sheet worthy criteria, because based upon what I have seen over the past two weeks, every kid in town has a celebratory sheet. 

I also worry about the inevitably expanding nature of such public celebrations. While ranting about these sheets recently, a friend called me a curmudgeon and suggested that I "get over it."

"There's nothing wrong with celebrating a lifetime of academic achievement," he said.

"Sure," I agreed.  "Celebrate.  But do we have to hang sheets all over town?  What happened to a handshake and a party?  Even a gift is fine.  But a sheet?  It seems more like a game of one-upmanship by a bunch of parents with too much time on their hands.  And you watch.  This is just the beginning."

An hour later Elysha and I drove past a sheet celebrating a student's graduation from sixth grade.

Sixth grade.

As Elysha said, every grade until high school is practically an automatic pass. 

Graduating from sixth grade is akin to potty training.

Everyone does it.  

But what began as the draping of sheets across bridge abutments has now expanded to the draping of sheets all over town, including some of the most prime real estate available.

And now we have sheets for kids who have survived middle school.

What's next?

Elementary school?  Pre-school?  GEDs? 

Are parents going to start hanging sheets when their kid wins a soccer tournament?

A school raffle?

How about when their kid finally finished War and Peace?

CONGRATULATIONS, JIMMY!  TOLSTOY WOULD BE PROUD!  WE ARE, TOO!

Don't laugh.  It could happen if we don't do something to stop this insanity. 

I was at dinner with a like-minded friend last night, explaining the situation in detail, and he liked my proposed solution to the recent celebratory sheet proliferation:

Vandalism

My plan is to spray paint all the celebratory sheets in the area with messages like:

So what?

Big deal.

This was meant for sleeping, moron.

Unfortunately, our wives overheard our conversation, and Elysha asked me not to do it.

One of the very few times in our relationship that she asked me to refrain from something. 

So I might not. 

But I'm still considering it.

Blessed innocence

I was reading an extremely abbreviated version of The Little Mermaid to my daughter last night when we came upon this last page. 

As I pondered what I might say about the adjoining picture, Clara said, "Look, Daddy. Ariel sleeping. Eric sleeping. Eyes closed."

"Yes, Clara," I said, quickly trying to reinforce the idea.  "You're right.  They are sleeping.  Good girl!"

I know it won't last long, but I'll take every speck of innocence that I can get.

 

Greatest turnaround of all-time

My alarm fired off this morning at 5:00. 

I opened my eyes and began mentally preparing for work. 

Lesson plans.
Homework assignments.
Leveled texts. 
Motivational strategies.

Then I suddenly realized that it was Sunday.

A day off.

And my alarm was going off because I was scheduled to play an early morning round of golf.

Even better!

And then I realized that it was June 26th. 

Summer vacation.

No lesson plans, no homework assignments, no leveled texts and no motivational strategies for TWO MONTHS!

In those ten fleeting seconds,I experienced the greatest emotional swing of my life.

What not to wear

I almost always hate when someone tells me what I can and cannot wear.  

Part of it is the five year old in me, refusing to be told what to do.

But an even bigger part of it is the illogical and arbitrary nature of many of the dress codes and social mores associated with clothing, as well as the position of power that these arbiters of fashion attempt to assume. 

In our world, social power tends to reside with judgmental pricks who invest heavily in conformity and price.    

I hate this. 

A couple weeks ago, The Boston Globe posted a piece entitled Eight summer workplace wardrobe no-nos. 

Here are my thoughts on their profundity:

1.  Sheer or see-through clothing

This is not a summer no-no.  This is a lifetime no-no.  Until social mores relax to the standard of an Amazonian National Geographic photo shoot, this one seems fairly obvious. 

There are actually state and federal laws governing the wearing of see-through clothing in public. 

I may not like it, but I can live with this. 

2.  Flip-flops, sneakers, and sandals

This is stupid.  While there are certain instances where flip-flops and sandals may pose safety hazards, there is no situation in which a pair of sneakers are inappropriate.  Sneakers are generally the most confortable, most versatile, most foot-healthy choice of footwear available, and to think that wearing sneakers in any way impedes with the effectiveness or professionalism of a worker is foolish.

Old people and stupid people think that sneakers are inappropriate at work. 

Sadly, these tend to be the people in charge.   

3.  Midriff-baring shirts or low-cut pants

Again, prohibitions against clothing that exposes certain parts of the body that are expected to be covered are fine with me.  While I wish that society was more relaxed when it comes to these expectations, this is not the case.

And proposing that butt-cracks and bellies be covered at work is not exactly Earth-shattering either.  

4.  Sundresses

My initial thought that was there is nothing wrong with a sundress, but the author goes on to write:

"Light and airy dresses might fit the weather, but they can also be problematic, especially if they're sheer or linen."

In other words, if you can see through the dress, it's not appropriate. 

See rule #1.  

But if the sundress is made of an opaque material, I have no problem with it.  Again, cover the requisite body parts and you can wear whatever dress you want. 

5.  T-shirts

There is nothing wrong with a t-shirt.  The idea that a collar, long sleeves and a series of buttons stretching from neck to crotch somehow imbue an outfit with professionalism and esteem is an old fashioned and stupid belief. 

It is possibly the stupidest, non-religious belief known to man.   

6.  Shorts

As long as women are wearing dresses to work (and I have no problem with them doing so), men (and women) should be allowed to wear shorts so long as they are appropriately sized.  Once again, to think otherwise is discriminatory, sexist, and most important, stupid.  It harkens back to a time when every man wore a hat and smoking was permitted in the office.   

7.  Wide-open shirts

This also fits into the category of exposing certain aspects of the body that society has dictated remain covered. 

While I appreciate cleavage as much as the next guy, I can live with this. 

8.  Tight-fitting outfits

This last no-no fits squarely in the category of "No duh" and "Congratulations, Captain Obvious."

Way to go out on a limb here, Boston Globe. 

How much television do you watch?

From a recent Time magazine piece:

"Dr. Frank Hu of the Harvard School of Public Health and his colleagues report in the Journal of the American Medical Association that too much TV time was associated with increases in the risk of developing type 2 diabetes and heart problems and the risk of death from any cause."

But this was kind of obvious.  Right?  Sit on your ass for a long period of time, day after day, and you have a greater chance of dying. 

The more shocking part of this study, at least for me, was this:

The average American watches about five hours of television a day.

Five hours.

What the hell are these people watching?

And where do they find the time?

My wife and I had our couches cleaned two days ago, and because it has rained every day since then, for almost every minute since then, the cushions are still damp.  As a result, we have not turned on the television in three days.

For the average American, we would've just reclaimed 15 hours of our lives.

And they could use those hours. 

According to a recent survey conducted by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, Americans sleep an average of 8.5 hours per night. 

And the average American works just under 8 hours a day.

This means that if you combine work, sleep and television, the average American only has about 3 hours left in the day to do everything else.

Three hours for eating, commuting, exercising, reading, bathing, chores, sex.

Three hours that is not spent at work, in bed or in front of the television. 

But even more pertinent than this astounding number: 

What the hell are these people watching? 

There simply cannot be 35 hours of worthwhile programming to watch per week.

Right?

Should my students be allowed to make fun of me online?

Time magazine asks:

Do students have a First Amendment right to make fun of their principals and teachers on Facebook and other social-media sites?  Or can schools discipline them for talking out of school?

This question comes in reaction to two recent court rulings supporting the right to free speech for students. In both cases, the court said that schools were wrong to suspend students for posting parodies of their principals on MySpace — one in which a boy made fun of his principal's body size and another in which a girl made lewd sexual comments about her principal.

Both actions took place outside of school and failed to "materially and substantially interfere with the requirements of appropriate discipline in the operation of the school," the standard set by the Supreme Court in the 1969 landmark case of Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District, in which students' right to wear a black armbands in protest of the Vietnam War was upheld by the Court. 

I agree with the court in these matters.  The First Amendment does not stop at the schoolhouse door, and speech taking place off school grounds that does not significantly impair learning in school should be permitted.

My question is this:

Are these students legally subject to defamation and libel claims made by principals and teachers whose reputations have been unfairly impugned?

Having been in a similar position at one point in my life at the hands of an anonymous, non-student source, I fully understand the power of purposely manipulated, unmitigated speech, particularly when it originates from a source too cowardly to claim ownership but brazen enough to spread the word far and wide.

I support the First Amendment and a student's right to speak, but when the speech is blatantly false and results in damage to a teacher's reputation, I believe that a teacher has a right to legal recourse. 

This is why laws relating to defamation of character and libel exist. 

Unfortunately, in my case, there was no recourse since the libel was conducted by an anonymous source.

But when a students creates a video that falsely claims that his high school principal has made inappropriate sexual advances towards students, shouldn't that principal be provided with the opportunity for legal recourse if it can be proven that his reputation has been unfairly and irreparably damaged?

Shouldn't students be held accountable for the damage that they do?

A teacher's reputation is his most valuable asset.  It can mean the key factor in establishing positive, productive relationships with students and parents.   When students, parents and the community implicitly trust an educator because of the reputation that he or she has earned, learning is invariably accelerated in the classroom and a teacher's career outlook is improved considerably.    

To allow students to damage that reputation and only suffer a parental punishment seems wrong to me. 

While I would not want students suspended for exercising their right to free speech off campus, I would like them to be made aware of the consequences that can result from that speech when it is baseless and purposely destructive.

And when actual damage is done to a teacher's reputation, a teacher should have legal recourse.

While I cannot imagine suing a student or his or her family for a purposely false and intentionally destructive YouTube video, we cannot allow a system to exist in which students are permitted to say whatever they want about a teacher and the teacher is not afforded the same protection that the legal system provides for people outside the schoolhouse.

Writing me off

Why is everyone so anxious to write me off?

I describe my knee pain to a friend, and he tells me that my days of playing basketball are almost over.

Elysha gets pregnant, and I am told that we won't be going out to movies for at least ten years.

Clara is born and I am told that my chances of a goodnight's sleep in the foreseeable future are nil. 

I complain about how difficult it was to install four air conditioners on a hot, Sunday afternoon, and I am warned that I won't be able to lift air conditioners on my own for much longer.

I am bleary-eyed after arriving home at 4:00 in the morning following a Monday night football game and then arriving at work a couple hours later and am told that my ability to pull an all-nighter is short-lived. 

I bemoan the number of toys scattered throughout my living room and am told that my house won't be clean again for years now that I have a child.

Why is everyone so goddamn anxious to predict the same doom and gloom that has apparently befallen them? 

For a long time, I'd say something like, "We'll see…" or "I hope not." 

But as I've gotten older, these warnings have become so prevalent that I can no longer hold my tongue.  A couple weeks ago I was suffering from a fever and sore throat and was warned by a coworker that "You're days of bouncing back quickly from illness are probably over."

Rather than offering an amused smile, I let her have it.

"Why would you say that to me?  I'm sitting here with a fever and a sore throat and you find it necessary to tell me how ill equipped my body is to fight off infection now that I'm older?  I don't need your negativity right now.  I never need your negativity.  And please don't assume that just because your body is failing you that my body is going to start failing me."

She didn't take it well.  She's a sweet woman who probably didn't deserve my vitriol, but perhaps she'll think twice before writing me off again. 

Worst teaching mistake ever

With the completion of my twelfth year of teaching, I've been reflecting back upon my dozen years in the classroom.

I'll be posting some of these reflections in the coming days. 

Today, I offer my biggest mistake as an educator.

While I am certain that I have made more mistakes than I can possibly remember, one mistake stands above all others in the pantheon of errors:

After promising my third graders a treat for a job well done, I substituted the popsicles that I had promised with what I thought was an equally appetizing alternative:

A box of Sun-Maid raisins.

For reasons that I can no longer fathom, I believed that dried grapes were healthier than popsicles and just as tasty.

Never before have I been more despised by a group of people, and that is saying a lot considering my history. 

Some of the kids tossed them into the trash without ever opening the box. 

Others publicly traded their raisins for balls of crumpled paper, broken crayons and eraser nubs just to make me feel bad.

I swear that one kid almost cried.    

Those kids eventually found their way to loving me again, but they never forgave me.

A clever manipulation of bathroom reading material

Is this real?

Please be real.