Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 549

I can only hope that my students were playing videogames or watching TV or playing with fire when Rick Santorum was speaking.

One of the most important lessons I try to teach my students is the importance of admitting a mistake and possessing the moral integrity to apologize and make it right. Ask any one of my students, past or present, how I feel about mistakes, and they will tell you that the first, best and most important step in getting out of trouble with me is admitting to the error, apologizing for the action, and executing a course to correct the error and avoid repeating it again.

This is so hard for some students, and it is understandable. They are ten years old. Their egos are fragile. They have much to learn.    

It is equally difficult for many adults, and this is a lot less understandable. I have watched colleagues, spouses, friends and relatives refuse to admit error and apologize, even when the person who they have so clearly wronged is someone they respect and love.

I have many, many faults.  In fact, I once listed them in a post and added who said this in regards to apologies yesterday:

GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum on Sunday criticized President Obama for apologizing to Afghans this week for the burning of Qurans by NATO forces at a U.S. military base. "There was nothing deliberately done wrong here. This was something that happened as a mistake. Killing Americans in uniform is not a mistake," Santorum said during ABC's This Week. "Say it's unfortunate … but to apologize for something that was not an intentional act is something that the president of the United States in my opinion should not have done ... I think it shows weakness."

I had to read this three times, because I have listened to ten year old students say almost these exact words.

"Yes, I ran into her on the playground, but it was an accident. I didn't mean to hurt her. So why should I say I'm sorry?"

Seriously. These are the kinds of things that my students say. Sadly, they are also the kinds of things less enlightened adults who wish to become leaders of the free world say.

I didn't mean it.

I didn't do it intentionally.

It was an accident.

It's not as bad as what she did.

I shouldn't have to apologize for an honest mistake.

These are the comments of a person with a weak mind.

I cannot believe that I live in a world in which politicians criticize leaders for apologizing for mistakes. I cannot believe I live in a world in which the willingness to apologize is considered a weakness to some.

I can only hope that my students were not listening to this nonsense. I can only hope they they were playing videogames or watching cartoons or playing with fire when Santorum was being stupid, because even videogames and cartoons and pyromania would be better than listening to this lunacy. 

Every day I try to instill a foundation of moral integrity and a strong sense of self in my students. I try to teach them that the easiest way to forgiveness is through truth and sincerity. I try to make them understand that apologizing does not make you look weak. It demonstrates your strength of character.

Then an idiot like Rick Santorum comes along and tries to undo everything that I have tried so hard to teach my kids. 

Someone please tell that man to shut the hell up.

Gratitude journal: Just the right movie for a workout

Most of the elliptical machines that I use at the gym are equipped with televisions. I often spend my 30-45 minutes of cardio listening to podcasts, audiobooks and music, but occasionally, AMC, Spike, FX, or even ABC Family will run just the right movie to watch while working out.

And sometimes that movie will be in just the right spot when I start working out.

Today the movie was Coach Carter, the true story of coach Ken Carter (played by Samuel Jackson) and his decision to bench his undefeated high school basketball team for academic reasons. 

I'd never seen the film, but I've seen enough sports movies to understand the formula. 

Sports movies make for an excellent workout.

Even better, I began working out during the last 45 minutes of the film, which features the Dead Poet's Society moment when the team stands up for their coach, followed by the final game of the team's season.

Well choreographed, well scored, nail-biting hoops with more dunks, alley-oops and three pointers than in a week of NBA games.   

It could not have been a better moment to step on that elliptical.

Verbal sparring 101: Poor grammar, illegal parking and a very angry man

A friend and fellow author, Ellen Painter-Dollar, wrote a post last week about when it is acceptable to illegally park in a handicapped parking spot.

The answer is never, though apparently not everyone agrees.

Ellen's post reminded me of a confrontation that I had with a man a couple years ago regarding a similar but slightly less heinous crime. It was to be the first in an ongoing series of posts detailing the frequent verbal confrontations that I seem to get myself into on an almost weekly basis and the lessons that can drawn from them (though they admittedly happen less often now that I am frequently toting a toddler around with me).

I was going to title the posts Verbal Sparring, and perhaps I'll use Ellen's piece as the impetus to find those older pieces and post them here, along with any new confrontations that occur along the way.

Either way, here is the original piece:

__________________________________

Verbal Sparring 101

I was in Subway yesterday, waiting patiently in line to order my roast beef on wheat, when the customer in front of me decided that it was time to act like a jerk. Dissatisfied with the number of cucumbers that had been placed upon his sandwich, he said, "What? You can't give me no more cucumbers?"

"Sure, no problem," the employee responded, more patient than I could have ever been. Not only were his choice of words offensive, but his tone and demeanor screamed condescension.

A moment later, when the amount of Southwest sauce was also inadequate in the customer's estimation, he spoke up again. "What's your problem? You can't give me no more sauce?"

Again, the employee responded with a polite and apologetic tone.

When the customer reached for a cup and began filling it with Coke, the employee moved over to the register and asked, "Did you want the meal, sir?"

"What's it look like?" the man shot back, shoving the cash into the employee's hand.

In a situation like this, I frequently come to the defense of the employee, launching some type of verbal assault against the offender in hopes that bystanders might join my cause. They rarely do, but I manage to receive quite a few nods of appreciation in these types of situations, and that's usually enough for me to press on.

I know that some might consider my potential involvement in this type of situation to be an example of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but I disagree. This type of behavior should never be tolerated. Unfortunately for the Subway employee, she was unable to defend herself without risking her job, so that is where we must step in and do our part.

Defending those who cannot defend themselves.

In this case, however, I restrained myself, adhering to one of my rules on verbal sparring:

Avoid verbal confrontations when your opponent lacks command of the English language.

Based upon his constant use of double-negatives, I doubted the man's ability to converse effectively in English. In this type of situation, the nuances of my verbal sparring repertoire would be lost on the individual, resulting in an inarticulate, profanity-laced shouting match, with neither combatant gaining the upper hand.

The same rules apply when playing poker. Don't check-raise a novice player because he or she won't understand the meaning of a check-raise. When dealing with an amateur, play it straight or don't play at all.

So rather than entering into battle with this man, I waited until he had left and then praised the employee for her cool-headedness and patience in the face of such rudeness.

She seemed pleased.

This afternoon was an entirely different story.

Upon pulling into a parking space at Stop and Shop, I noted an older gentleman pulling his Buick alongside my car into one of the spots reserved for customers who are saddled with infants. Noting that this man was without an infant, I jumped out of my car quickened my pace until I was walking beside him.

"You really shouldn't keep kids in the trunk," I said to him as we approached the doors.

"Huh?"

"I said that you really shouldn't keep kids in the trunk of your car."

"What?" the man asked, genuinely confused.

"Well, I noticed that you parked in the spot reserved for people with infants, and since I didn't see a baby in your arms or in the car, I'm assuming that you put the poor little thing in the trunk."

"Go to hell," the man shot back, finally understanding the meaning of my statement. "Just go to goddamn hell."

'Don't be too long!" I warned as the man entered the store a couple steps ahead of me. "I'm just making a deposit at the bank, and there's no telling what I may do once I leave the store, especially if I see a mother walking halfway across the lot with her baby!"

I'm not sure if he heard everything I said, but I was pretty loud and the man seemed genuinely embarrassed by my comments as he turned the corner.

I know there will be some who will say that my remarks were just as rude as the man's decision to park in the reserved spot, but I disagree. I believe that we have an obligation to stand up to these inconsiderate people, particularly when the victims of their inconsideration cannot defend themselves. And this was a case where it was impossible for the victims to stand up and defend themselves.

First, a person with an infant is significantly less likely to engage anyone in a verbal battle. Even I adhere to this rule when I'm with Clara.

Second, these parents would have no idea that this man had infringed upon their rights. Unless they actually saw him entering or exiting his Buick, they would see his car and likely assume that the driver was also accompanying an infant. Therefore they would never have the opportunity to challenge him.

Admittedly, I'm not always thinking of the victim when engaging in these confrontations.  In fact, more often than not, I'm not thinking about the victims at all. I enjoy these verbal battles. You can't imagine how much satisfaction I get from a well-timed quip or a stinging barb. This afternoon's confrontation was the highlight of my day. The way that guy went from confusion to outrage to embarrassment in less than minute was priceless.

I've had a skip in my step ever since.

Regardless of the reason for my attack, I believe that my remarks may have made a difference in the world. Even the most hardened skeptic must admit that the likelihood of that man parking his Buick in those reserved spots again is significantly reduced because of my interference.

He will at least think twice before doing so.

And as a result, a mother with an infant is more likely to find that reserved spot available when she arrives.

And I was able to have a little fun in the process. 

Shopping and cooking take too much damn time.

The greatest failing of the modern world is our inability to invent a Jetsons-like push-button food machine.

Gratitude journal: Shrinking penis

David Brook's book THE SOCIAL ANIMAL makes reference to a mental condition known as koro.

Koro is a culture-specific syndrome from Southeast Asia in which the person has an overpowering belief that his penis is shrinking and will shortly disappear. Also known as shrinking penis, the syndrome is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Tonight I'm extremely grateful that I don't suffer from this syndrome.

Mindy Kalings 13 Rules for Guys

Elysha and I are listening to Mindy Kaling's IS EVERYONE HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME and enjoying it a lot.

Recently we listened to the chapter that lists and explains Kaling's 13 Rules for Guys.

I liked the list immediately because of its number.  Thirteen. Not ten. Not a dozen. Not twenty. The decidedly un-round number thirteen.  I never trust a list that contains a round number of items. It's too damn convenient. It probably means that one or two quality items were left off the list or one or two less-than-worthy items were added to the list to achieve the round number. 

Thirteen is a great list number. Ten is the worst.

As for Kaling's recommendations, I currently adhere to or would be willing to adopt to most but have serious objections to a few.

For the record, Elysha supports every item on the list without reservation. She and Mindy Kaling could easily be best friends.

________________________________________

1. Buy a well-fitting pea coat from J. Crew (and get it cleaned once a year).

I could do this. I kind of like a pea coat.

2. Have a signature drink.

Does Diet Coke count?

Actually, if I'm drinking a cocktail, I like a kamikaze a lot, but this sounds like a drink for someone celebrating their twenty-first birthday. Almost never drinking alcohol makes this a tough rule to follow.

3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans.

I used to know several pairs of these jeans, and then I took six inches off my waist, so I have been slowly restocking my wardrobe. Emphasis on slowly. I currently own two pairs, though only one pair is actually my size.

4. Wait until all women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off.

I follow this rule unless it makes things exceedingly awkward.

5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it and make it about her (i.e., "You look so sexy in those boots," not "Those boots are really cool.")

I think I do this as well, though I rarely compliment the physical appearance of anyone except my wife. This is partly because I think my wife is prettier than everyone else and partly because I am not a very visual person and fail to notice appearance. I also refrain from commenting on a student's physical appearance, and this policy tends to bleed into the rest of my life as well.

6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party–just start helping.

I am often the first person at the sink, ready to clean the dishes. While I'd like people to think that this is an act of kindness and politeness, it is probably the result of my years of working in a restaurant and my need to clean as I go.

7. Have one great cologne that's not from the drugstore.

Really? I smell fine already.

8. Your girlfriend's sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them.

Elysha feels that I do an adequate job in this regard. I was not as convinced. I tend to come down on the side of logic and reason rather than loyalty or obligation, but I'll take her word for it.

9. Keihl's for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair.

Apparently Elysha gave me a bottle of Keihl's when we started dating. I have no recollection of this. Nor do I think I need this product. Or any product.

I don't even use shaving cream. Old fashioned soap works just fine.

I have no idea what Bumble and Bumble is, but I have not put anything in my hair other than shampoo for more than a decade. I don't think I need to start now.

10. Guys only need two pairs of shoes: a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors.

I own two nice pairs of black shoes but no Chuck Taylors. I didn't even know what a Chuck Taylor was. I own sneakers, which I wear almost every day to work simply because of the nature of my job, but I can't see myself wearing these things.

They don't seem to have any support and look like they would last about four seconds before falling apart. When I was a teenager, I owned an actual pair of Converse sneakers that looked a lot like these, so why would I want to start wearing a sneaker that is an imitation of something I actually wore as a kid?

11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything.

I'm more than willing to begin doing this, but wouldn't it begin to seem a little like pandering after a while?

12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you're not strictly a jealous guy.

I don't understand the purpose of this.

13. Don't shave your chest hair.

The vanity required in order to do something like this is beyond me.

I know shes not actually reading

… but it's still freakin' cute!

Gratitude journal: Daddy!

Almost without fail, my favorite moment of every day is moment I step through the door after work and hear my daughter shout "Daddy!"

Most of the time she comes running to greet me, but even when she doesn't, the words are always enough to make every perfect, at least for that minute.

Cat Stevens taught me that authors should not act like jerks.

I have a more-than-slight tendency to act like a jerk. I can be biting, sarcastic, oppositional, confrontational, aggravating, nonconforming and disagreeable.

My mother consistently referred to me as The Instigator.

I know all this must be surprising to you. I am typically perceived as sweet, perpetually pleasant and lovable. I know. 

This is because I have learned to restrain myself. I have chosen to become more civil. I try desperately to be more polite. I have made the conscious decision to not express every thought and idea that comes to mind. 

This is not to say that I am the model of civility.  I am probably still more outspoken, opinionated and potentially offensive than most people would prefer. I still consistently express controversial and nonconformist ideas. In many ways, these ideas are the fuel that fires this blog and many of the things that I write.

But I am a much more civil and reasoned person than I was ten years ago. I measure my words much more carefully today.  

Part of this has been a natural, albeit exceedingly slow, maturing process.

Part of this has been a conscious decision on my part to choose my battles more wisely. 

Part of it has been the positive influence of my wife, who is universally acknowledged to be the kindest, sweetest person on the planet (unless you cut her in line or attempt to cheat at Scrabble). 

But part of it has also been my recognition that a reader's perception of me as a person will likely impact his or her opinion of my books.

If a reader does not like the author as a person, the likelihood that he or she will not like the author's books increases considerably, regardless of the quality of the story or the writing itself.

While this may not seem fair, it is undeniably true.   

Cat Stevens taught me this.

I discovered Cat Stevens' music more than a decade after he had recorded his final song, and I fell in love with it immediately. The folksy guitar sound and award-winning lyrics hooked me at once.

I think Oh Very Young and Peace Train are utterly perfect songs in a small, under-populated pantheon of perfect songs.

For a time, my personal theme song was Stevens' Cant Keep It In (an homage to my inability to refrain from speaking my mind). Later, I changed my theme song to Stevens' slightly less aggressive If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out.

For a fraction of a second, my love for Cat Stevens might have surpassed that of Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and The Beatles. 

In the height of my personal adoration of his music, I learned about Stevens' remarks supporting the fatwa against Salman Rushdie following his conversion to Islam.

These remarks, which Stevens later denied and then retracted, cast his music in a new and unfortunate light for me. A pall descended over something that I had once seen as beautiful and perfect, and though the actual songs had not changed, it seemed as if they had.

It makes no sense. If I love the music, why should the opinions of the artist make a difference to me? Great music is great music. I loved it without reservation yesterday. Why should today be any different.

But it was. 

For many, and perhaps most people, their opinion of the artist will unavoidably impact their opinion of the work.

As an author, this is an important lesson to remember. We are in the business of expressing our opinions and ideas. Opinions and ideas are the capital through which we earn our living.  

In my short time working in the publishing industry, I have met many authors.  The great majority have been incredibly kind, surprisingly humble and endlessly generous people.

A few have not.

And whether I intended it to happen or not, my opinion of their work changed upon learning that they were not as nice as I had once hoped.

This is not to say that authors and other public figures should be disingenuous. I believe that honesty is the most important quality in any public figure, and authors, when expressing themselves, should keep this in the forefront of their minds. 

Sometimes my absolute adherence to honesty still gets me in trouble. 

But tied for a close second behind honesty should be qualities like thoughtfulness nuance, politeness, civility and respect.

These are qualities that I was lacking a decade ago.  

Though I may sometimes come close to line in terms of being potentially rude and offensive in the ideas I express, I rarely step over the line today. I may operate close to or even on the line, but there there was a time in my life when I only existed on the other side of the line.

I have since learned that Cat Stevens has been recognized by organizations around the world as a philanthropist and humanitarian. His departure from music industry led him to a lifetime of good work on behalf of children and the poor around the world. 

And recently Stevens returned to making music under the name Yusuf Islam. His first album was released in 2009. I purchased it immediately.

It's okay. Not but close to the greatness of his earlier work.

Is this because I cannot help but allow his comments about Salman Rushdie to taint my opinion, even after Stevens retracted them?

I'm not sure.

And therein lies the problem of acting like a jerk. It's impossible to know if your artistry is being harmed by your jerkiness.

So don't be a jerk.

Be honest. Be forthright. Be opinionated. Be controversial.

But be respectful and polite, too. At least a little. 

Real estate booming in certain sectors

Whenever we drive by construction site and machines are digging into the ground, Clara says that they are digging holes for rabbits.

It's a cute and sweet and innocent comment, but how many homeless rabbits does this girl think there are?