Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 553

Even if its the best thing ever, Im not sure that I want to do it if hipster parents in Park Slope are doing it, too.

When we are changing Clara's diaper and getting her ready for bed, the iPhone has been a savoir. 

Hand her a short video from a show like Peep and the Big Wide World or The Wonder Pets and we can do almost anything to her. Wash her face, brush her teeth, slip on pajamas, brush her hair.

We could probably conduct minor brain surgery on her if necessary.

More than once, I have heard my wife whisper, "Thank you, Steve Jobs" as she brushed Clara's teeth. 

Lately, however, Elysha has switched from clips of Clara's favorite children's  programs to musical numbers like Gene Kelly's Singing in the Rain and clips from movies like Mary Poppins and Annie.

Clara adores them.

It's a brilliant idea on Elysha's part, but it also strikes me as the kind of thing that hipster parents might be doing. 

That's the only problem.    

The unexpected hazards of golf

I've never experienced any serious altercations on the golf course in my five years of playing the game.

I once hit a duck with a golf ball. It toppled over but then righted itself and waddled away.

Another time I came close to throwing a friend into a pond after he laughed at me for embedding my tee shot into the opposite bank.  But I stopped myself just short of grabbing onto him. 

I often encourage my longer-hitting friends to hit their balls into slower moving groups, but they rarely do.  Oftentimes I am reminded that it is not the group in front of us who is slowing play, but a group somewhere ahead of them.

I explain that it's much easier to hate the people you can see than the people somewhere in the distance. 

Last summer a group of older gentlemen told me about how they had been shouted at by a man playing behind them for their speed of play and threatened to hit his ball onto the green unless they moved off the green immediately.  They hurried their putts and cleared the green as quickly as possible under a flurry of obscenities.

I advised the gentlemen to take an entirely different approach next time this happens.  Whenever I am feeling rushed by a group of golfers behind me, I purposely slow down.  Not a lot, but enough to send a signal that regardless of how many times they stick their hands on their hips, wave their arms in frustration or point in my general direction, they have no power over me.

If someone ever yelled at me to hurry up and began swearing at me, my pace would become absolutely glacial. I explained to the gentlemen that no matter what the lunatic behind you decided to do, it's always win-win situation for you.   

If he hits his ball onto the green, the odds of him actually hitting you are miniscule.  If he misses, you can pick up his ball, throw it into a pond, and have him banned from the golf course for life.

Hurrah!

If he hits you, you can have him arrested and sue him.

Hurrah! 

Yes, this course of action could result in injury in the event he actually hits you with his ball, but the chances of serious injury are so remote and the benefits are so supremely satisfying that it makes it well worth the risk. 

I thought this was excellent advice, and the older gentlemen actually agreed.  They bemoaned their decision to waver and crumble under the onslaught of the man's threats and obscenities.  One of the men actually smacked his head and scolded himself for being "such a goddamn chicken." 

But then I read this story in the Star-Telegram that has caused me to rethink my position and the advice I gave:   

One man was stabbed with a golf club shaft after a brawl broke out when the threesome he was in tried to play through the group in front of them at a course at Eagle Mountain Lake.

Clay Carpenter, 48, of Springtown said he is recovering from a punctured femoral artery and massive blood loss.

"People get in arguments every day on every golf course in America," Carpenter said. "But 99.9 percent of the time no one takes it this far."

Carpenter, who was released from Texas Health Harris Methodist Hospital on Sunday, said he might have to have more surgeries and is concerned that he could lose his leg.

I had no idea that you could stab someone with the shaft of a golf club. I'm not entirely sure how one might do this, but it's good to know.

You never know when you you be facing a golf club-toting lunatic on the eighteenth green and quickly need a weapon.   

Gratitude journal: Cheapest surgery ever

My dog had surgery to remove a wart from head today. The last time she had surgery, it was on her spine, and it was incredibly expensive. It drained our entire honeymoon savings account, which had been earned entirely through poker.

The cost was in the thousands of dollars.

I had no idea how much today's surgery would cost.  Oddly enough, we had forgotten to ask during the initial visit to the veterinarian, perhaps because we have become numb to vet costs. Before their records were digitized, my veterinarian informed me that our dog had the thickest file in the practice.  We have spent so much money on our dog's health that there have been times when the vet didn't charge us for a visit or a medication simply out of the kindness of her heart.

As I drove over to pick up the yesterday, I decided upon a probable range for the cost for today's surgery:

$200-$700.

Anywhere in that range and I would be happy.

The actual cost:

$149. 

I danced a little jig as my dog and I made our way across the parking lot and to the car.

I love my gym, but I can hardly vote for it as the best health and fitness center if its killing people

My gym, Big Sky, has been rated as the "Best Health and Fitness Center" since 2003 by the Hartford Advocate.

I love Big Sky.  I am actually a member of Bally's as well, and in the past, I have been a member of two other health clubs in the area, so I can attest to the excellence of Big Sky.  It is the cleanest, most modern, most well equipped gym that I have ever seen outside the movies. 

Yesterday I was asked if I would be willing to participate in the Advocate's online poll in order to ensure that Big Sky is the "Best Health and Fitness Center" in 2012 as well.

I declined.

When asked why, I explained that although I think Big Sky is the finest gym in the area, I could not in good conscious vote for it as the best health and fitness center. 

In addition to its many amenities, Big Sky offers tanning to its members.  Four tanning rooms flank the hallway between the gym and the locker rooms, and not a day goes by when at least two are in use when I arrive.  Women enter and exit those rooms constantly (I am sure that there are men who use the tanning rooms, too, but in the two years that I have been a member, I have yet to see a single man do so), and every time I see one stepping into or out of a booth, I am shocked at their level of stupidity.

Seriously increasing your risk of cancer so that your skin can be slightly darker than the people around you strikes me as one of the most vain, insane and stupid things that a person can do. The fact that Big Sky offers this service to its members makes it impossible for me to vote for it as the best health and fitness center in the area.

Consider the reality: It is highly probable that at least one, and probably many Big Sky's members will someday die of skin cancer as a result of their daily tanning sessions.     

Had I been asked to rate Big Sky as the best gym in the Hartford area, I would have happily done so. 

But the best health and fitness center? I don't think so. 

More sexy rumpus: Wiser words have never been spoken

The Oatmeal is one of the best online comics that you will ever read. 

His book, 5 VERY GOOD REASONS TO PUNCH A DOLPHIN IN THE MOUTH, is outstanding.  And it makes a great gift for anyone who shares its sensibilities. 

His recent comics pertaining to Valentines Day are incredibly funny, but I found his advice regarding the verbal machinations of Valentines Day to be especially prescient and worth considering.

He writes:

If Valentines Day really means so little to you, then I politely ask you to shut the hell up and treat it like any other day.

Or go have a sexy adventure rumpus with someone who smells nice. 

Less complaining. 

More sexy rumpus.

It could not have been said any better.

Gratitude journal: New shoes

Tonight I am grateful that my daughter finally agreed to wear a new pair of shoes today after months of insisting upon wearing the same old pair.

This decision was made only after my wife and I engaged in some serious mental jujitsu with her, causing her to at last acknowledge that her old shoes were falling apart.

The joy of new shoes.  This is what parenthood has brought to me. 

Best goodnight ever

When I am home, my daughter often refuses to hug or kiss me before bed, preferring the arms of my wife to my own.  But when I am not home at bedtime, I get goodnight wishes like this.

I'm thinking about sitting in the car at bedtime every night and having my wife just record Clara's goodnight message to me, as opposed to the standard, "No! I don't want you! I want Mommy!" that usually crushes my spirit.

Jesus Christ and these capital letters do not belong

This card has become the source of amusement for many because of Rick Santorum's decision to quote Jesus Christ and the New Testament on a Hanukkah message designed for Jews. 

Then again, only about 0.3 percent of the South Carolinian population is Jewish, so maybe he was hoping that no one would notice. 

Yes, this was a strange and fairly stupid decision.

And yes, I acknowledge that it is highly unlikely that Santorum played a hands-on role in the design of the actual card. But gaffs like this serve as an indication as to the quality of the organization that the candidate has built and is leading.

But I think an even more egregious error exists in the message at the bottom of the card:

May Your Hanukkah be bright.
Peace to you this Holiday Season

Nothing annoys me more than random and improper capitalization.

While the words May, Hanukkah and Peace should be capitalized for obvious reasons, there is no reason to capitalize You, Holiday and Season.  These words are seemingly capitalized at random, with no identifiable reason or purpose. 

Furthermore, the first sentence ends with a period but the second does not.

More inconsistency.  

Yes, it's true that the use of a quote by Jesus Christ on a card directed to Jews makes no sense and is especially stupid in light of the Christian tone that Santorum strikes in his campaign, but the absence of basic copyediting demonstrates, at least to me, a lack of attention to detail that I find even more disturbing.

Then again, I am an author and not very religious, so perhaps I am sensitive in ways different than most. 

Gratitude journal: Well timed stranger danger (and a little parental cruelty)

Tonight I am grateful for my daughter's natural born instinct for stranger danger. 

As I was attempting to get her into the car yesterday, she discovered a brick walkway, a wooden bench, puffy clouds and a plane flying overhead that were eminently more appealing than the car seat, Cheerios and book that I had offered.

As I was debating the merits of leaving with her, a car pulled up behind mine and parked. A gentleman stepped out of the vehicle.  Clara stopped running on the bricks and turned a wary eye toward the man.

"Hey, Clara," I said. "We don't know this man. Do you want to get in the car?"

She said yes, and a minute later we were off.

It might have been a little mean to emphasize the presence of the stranger and play upon her fears a bit, but I was hungry, it was cold, and I knew that it would work.

Well timed stranger danger.  Perfect for getting your three year old into the car.

A joyous third birthday!

Listening to my daughter shout with joy brings indescribable happiness to me.

More than I would have ever imagined. 

I could watch these twenty second clips for hours and never get tired of them.