Renee Miller's Blog, page 8

In The News: Some of You Will Be Offended

I usually avoid making political commentary, and definitely avoid getting into discussions about race, religion, and whatever else I know will make people lose their shit. I learned (the hard way) that coming from where I do, which is a position of privilege (racially) my opinion doesn’t hold much water with anyone but myself. I’m not saying that in a negative or sarcastic way either. I agree. My opinion is heavily biased, as I’ve never had people assume negative things about me because of my skin color (although, I have been lumped into a negative category periodically because I am white, but that’s still not the same thing), and I’ve never been fearful or been made to feel as “less than” because of the color of my skin. Gender is another issue, but not really related to this discussion. Yes, I’ve enjoyed white privilege, but I’m not apologetic about that. I can’t control the color of my skin or how it’s benefited me or what my ancestors did because of the power it gave them. It is what it is, and all I can do is try to be better than those that came before me.

More on that later. Let’s carry on with the shit we’ve been seeing on the news. Shall we? Okay.

I usually save my social commentary for my fiction, because I prefer to show all sides, whenever I can, and to avoid making assumptions. I do make the mistake of assuming from time to time, but I’d rather avoid it.

So, let’s tackle the first and easiest news item to discuss:

Pokémon Go

Since the launch of this game, people have found dead bodies, gotten into car crashes, engaged in some fighting over rare Pokemon (allegedly), fallen off cliffs (??) and gotten shot for trespassing. I’m sure that’s not all, but I think it’s enough to make my point. Yes, while playing this game, some idiots got hurt or hurt others. However, let’s keep in mind that far more people do these same things EVERY FUCKING DAY for no reason at all than those who’ve done them while playing Pokémon Go. The only reason you’re hearing about these morons now is because these people are playing a game everyone’s talking about, and some people are really angry about its very existence. That doesn’t really make sense to me. It’s just a game guys.

And as a side note, those dead bodies aren’t the worst thing that could happen. In my opinion, at least the families who’ve probably been searching for those people have closure and the authorities can investigate the deaths and maybe catch someone far more dangerous than a kid playing a video game.

I guess my point is you guys need to fucking relax. How does it affect you if a 40-year-old man enjoys catching invisible shit on his phone? “Oh, but he’s a pedophile, obviously, out to molest our children, who are out there, vulnerable, because they too are catching invisible shit on the phone I should never have bought them if they aren’t responsible enough to watch where they’re fucking going and avoid talking to random strangers who try to lure them into their cars or the woods or wherever the pedos do their thing.”

Okay, that was harsh, but my point is, a child raised properly isn’t going to walk off a cliff or into traffic chasing Pokémon shit. Why? Because said child will know that when crossing the road, he/she must look both ways, follow traffic signals, and just generally be aware of his/her surroundings. What I see with this game (more often than kids walking into traffic or off of cliffs) is kids and parents (as well as some adults without kids who just like to have fun) getting outside. I see them walking regularly to hatch their damn eggs (I’ve played, although it’s just not my thing, and it takes a long fucking time to walk far enough hatch one miserable egg). I see them exploring their neighborhoods and meeting other people. I see both kids and adults HAVING FUN. When did fun become something to be ashamed of?

And also, weren’t you all just shaming people for being inactive and obese? Weren’t you just saying kids these days are so out of shape and overweight it’s disgusting and that parents should take away electronics so they go outside? Well now they’re active. They’re moving around and getting exercise. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

So fuck you and your Pokémon hate. If you have better things to do, then do them, instead of posting your arrogant bullshit on social media and making people feel bad for enjoying something. Jesus, I don’t think the Pokémon players are the ones who need to “grow up.”

Okay, I think that’s all I have to say on that news.

  Canada is on FIRE

This is basically our weather forecast:

This isn’t related to anything but I thought you guys should know that it’s been FUCKING HOT here for months. I’m sick of it. Canada is clearly on fire and we’re all going to die. So, how’s that for perspective on other issues? Yeah.

The American Presidential Election and Trump

Sorry, America. I’ve got nothing. Just that I’m sorry. But chin up, guys, you could be dealing with this:

God, he sure is pretty.

Gun violence, terrorist attacks, and lives mattering or something

Author’s note: I contemplated deleting this several times, and postponed publishing this whole thing, because obviously, but then I realized I’d be a hypocrite if I did so for the reasons its inclusion made me hesitate, so here we go.

Why do we always have to go on the defensive about this stuff? Why are we so eager to lay blame at the feet of whoever looks like a good, solid target, rather than examine the facts and let law enforcement do its job? For example, I am not going to say one life matters over another, because that’s just not true. But let’s agree that a person can say “Black lives matter” without meaning that you, white person that you are, can just go die already. When you respond to Black Lives Matter with “All Lives Matter” you’re essentially telling people there isn’t a crisis in the black community that needs addressing. (It’s been suggested that “black” is not the PC word here, but I’m speaking of this race as a whole and not just African Americans, which is also not PC, I’m told, so forgive me if I’ve used the wrong term. I’m not sure what the right words are here, so anyone who can enlighten me, please do and don’t take offense at my ignorance on this. I lost track of what was PC a long time ago in many areas.)

When you reply to Black Lives Matter with All Lives Matter, you’re (maybe unintentionally) diminishing the message that the movement is trying to convey, and that message is that there is a problem with racism in America (in all of North America, really) that is not going away. It’s not about one life mattering more than another.

I’m not going to say I agree with the acts done in the name of this movement, because I don’t, but everyone needs to remember that at its inception, the Black Lives Matter movement was AGAINST ALL violence, and it had nothing to do with diminishing white people. It was about calling attention to issues that needed attention. It doesn’t mean that if you’re white, you matter less. It’s just saying look, we’ve got a problem with racism and we need to address it. Sadly, all forms of this message, be it black lives, all lives, or blue lives, have become so incendiary, they’re useless to helping their causes. We’ve done that, folks. So now, everyone is on the defensive, no one’s being heard and no one is trying to change.

And, as another example, let’s look at the terrorist attacks that seem way too common lately. These aren’t just the acts of refugees or a single religious group. First of all, granting someone in dire need of help a safe place to live is not inviting terrorism to your doorstep. It’s part of being a compassionate human being. It’s what both Canada and the United States were built on. Unless your ancestors were native to these regions (as in were here before all the rest arrived and tried to “civilize” shit) then they were all refugees or immigrants to a new country. Show some fucking empathy, people. I’m not saying “let them all in,” because obviously that’s reckless. I’m saying, don’t judge someone without having all the facts, and place the blame for the violence where it belongs. If you don’t know, then FIND OUT before you open your mouth or start spewing hate via the Internet. A lot, if not most, of the terrorism and/or violence that has happened in North America in recent years is homegrown. That means we’re doing it to ourselves.

Personally, I’m sick to death of humans hurting each other. I’m sick of reading/seeing news where someone has shot up a night club or a mother or father has murdered their children, or a stranger has raped and butchered a mother and her young child, or someone drove a truck into a crowd of people with the sole intention of killing as many as possible, or a kid who is bullied relentlessly, but whose pain is overlooked by society finally gives up and eats a bullet rather than remain in a life that is clearly too agonizing for him to endure. I’m sick of the hate and the fear and the blame game that follows these events, and the way we all seem to think we know it all. We don’t. We know nothing. I’m disgusted that a person could think his or her life is more valuable than the lives of everyone else and that we fear a group of people so much we have to diminish or stomp on that group’s attempt to make this world a better place.

We need to start being better. ALL OF US. Stop saying the world is going to shit “all of a sudden.” It already went there many times and we pulled ourselves out of it. The problem is, we forget that we promised to “be better” the last time and then this shit happens again. Also, our news media and social media makes it feel worse than it is, because we see these awful things more often than we see the good happening.

Actually, an author friend of mine, Forbes West, wrote something recently that gives perspective on what’s happening right now around the world. I’m going to share it here:

“EVERYONE ONE REMEMBER TO FREAK OUT ABOUT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WE HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH AWFUL TIMES EVER THIS IS ALL NEW AND THE END IS DEFINITELY NEAR

-except for the time we had the IRA terrorist campaign (1969-1994) to destroy Britain through multiple bombings, assassination of multiple politicians, British troops on the streets, and a mortar shot at the British Cabinet that (barely) missed in 1991. 

-except that Turkey has been through 4 military coups, the last in 1997. (Edit: This post was written by Forbes prior to the most recent military coup attempt in Turkey, which was just this month (July 2016))

-Except for the time we had mass riots in the 1960s every summer, with 1968 ending in 100 cities burned.

-Except for the time we had two civil rights leaders, one President, and one Presidential candidate shot.

-Except for the time in the 1980s we had a nuclear armed power (the Soviet Union) supporting various revolutionary/terrorist movements all over the planet, run by senile old men with various health issues whose personal mentor was Joseph Stalin.

You know, the stuff most of us lived through already and came out fine. And was actually, much much worse. Thank you facebook, twitter and the 24 hour news cycle for ratcheting up fears. Your local gun store and survivalist book sellers appreciate the sales.”

You see what I’m saying?

Entitlement, trigger warnings, and being offended

Now, this is the part of the news cycle that irritates me the most, because no matter what the headline, these things are present. Sometimes they are the headline. Ever see a post/article/news headline that is followed by “trigger warning: blah, blah, blah” or read an article or social media post and then see just beneath or beside a button that says “report this content” or “is this content/post offensive”? Yeah. I fucking hate that warning and I hate the word “offensive,” because it’s like a beacon inviting every whiny bitch on the Internet to grasp for his/her chance at attention.

You’re all running around like,

This society (and not just one generation, I’m talking about all of it) has become one giant narcissistic asshole farting selfish nonsense and shitting negativity all over the place. Christ, it’s so bad I’ve added warnings to some of my book blurbs, caving to the general tendency to avoid pissing people off. I do this for my erotic horror books. EROTIC HORROR. Those two words, particularly when used together, should tell whoever is reading that this book is going to have shit that’s not butterflies and puppies. Why is the warning necessary? I don’t know. I do know we all need to stop finding reasons for people to feel sorry for us. Victims… no, that’s not right. I hate that word. It offends me. (see what I did there?) Survivors of trauma don’t need warnings or coddling. Why? They’re surviving and will continue to do so no matter what they see or read. They aren’t seeking attention. They’re not trying to make others feel bad for what happened to them. They’re too involved in trying to put their lives back together to demand trivial and frankly demeaning shit like pity.

Look, we have a serious problem in this world. It’s not the police that need to be taught how to behave. It’s not this race or that religion that needs to change its beliefs. The problem with most of the world today is that we’re a bunch of whiny, entitled brats who take responsibility for nothing. We think the world owes us something. We believe we have rights that supersede the rights of others. Yes, you’ve got a right to voice your opinion, but you do not have the right to spew hate; not without consequences anyway. You don’t have the right to an easy life just because you want it. Go out there and earn it. Stop being a lazy piece of shit. Did I offend you? I’m not sorry. You are not entitled to success. You are not entitled to feel special. That shit must be earned.

Stop with the damn trigger warnings and the oh, once I had a cat and it scratched my eye out so pictures of cats traumatize me now so you need to take that picture down from your newsfeed, or oh, one time when I was a kid, an adult swore at me because I was a terrible soccer player and it made me feel scared, so now I can’t handle the word fuck without curling into a ball and crying for my mommy, so stop using it in your social media posts, because it’s offensive to me. Some people have serious traumatic shit they’re working through, and you yahoos with your pussy, pretentious offendedness at everything are making those REAL issues meaningless.

Grow a pair and deal with your shit. Stop acting like princesses in need of attention. As for the news, let’s stop allowing the media to shape our opinions and start focusing on facts. Don’t let the Internet bias our reactions. Stop bandwagoning. Enough with the narcissism.

Be better and the rest of the world will follow. If it doesn’t, at least you can say you tried as we all go down in flames.

Which reminds me… Did I mention Canada is on fire? Yeah, that should be troubling, not Pokémon Go.

 

 

On Prolific Stuff and a Publishing Update

First, let’s take care of the update stuff. Yesterday was Canada Day, and I thought, I should do something to celebrate. So a few of my titles are on sale. Until July 8th, you can get the following books for just 99 cents:

Mind Fuck

Sex, Peanuts, Fangs and Fur

Dirty Truths

In the Bones

The Legend of Jackson Murphy

And until Sunday, July 3rd, I’ve got some short fiction available for absolutely nothing.

Sweet Revenge

Stop Crying

Also, head over to the Deviant Dolls blog for a nightmare waiting to happen. We’re letting you guys pull our strings while we attempt to write a novel.

Now for the prolific, discussion type stuff. I’ve been called prolific a time or two, because I produce a lot of books/ideas. By a lot, I mean, over the past year at least, I’ve written a book every 2 to 3 months. I won’t even tell you how many short stories I’ve got filed away…

Anyway, I’m not sure why, but the term bothers me. Maybe it’s because I used to hear the term linked to favorite authors, so I imagined it was something prestigious. Clearly, it isn’t. What I do produce quickly is crap, right? So it’s not really a compliment.

Except…

Mind Fuck, which I wrote in 9 days, is one of my best efforts, in my opinion. It’s hilarious, the characters are all awesome, and the story is fast paced with lots of action. In fact, a few of my regular readers even called it the best Renee Miller book yet, and the reader is always right. But how can it be that good? I wrote it in NINE DAYS. Maybe there’s something to this pantsing thing after all.

Sex, Peanuts, Fangs and Fur, another of my personal favorites, was written in 20 days. Lucky… 25 days. I have a project right now, a first draft, that I finished in a little under two weeks. I’m not sure I like it, though, so there’s that I guess.

The truth is, I’ve often lied about the progress of a WIP, because I hate the inevitable “You’re done ALREADY?” For example, I told everyone I was nearing completion of the second Fangs and Fur book weeks after it was already done, because some of you (You know who you are) get a little bitchy when I write too fast. I held onto it for almost a month before announcing it was finished.

In reality most of my work is written, at least in rough draft, in a matter of weeks. I have several (at least five) rough drafts tucked away that may never see publication, because this fast and furious method of writing makes me less than confident about their quality. I mean, if they were that easily written, they can’t possibly be good, right? They need heavy editing, so there they sit, waiting for me to get around to it. While I procrastinate, I write more, making a larger pile of stuff that requires editing, which I loathe. It’s maddening.

I can hear a few of you (Christian, stop that or your face will stay that way) thinking very hateful thoughts about me right now. How dare I whine about all the stuff I write? It’s disgusting. Also, it sounds like I’m bragging. Maybe I am.

 

If I stopped procrastinating on Netflix, with Candy Crush or by reading instead of writing, I could easily finish a book a month. I don’t do that, because I’m not a lunatic, but I could if I got my shit together…

The reason I don’t do that is people seem to take it badly when an author produces a lot, unless you’ve got a publisher. Not sure why that makes a difference, but it does. Well, guess who has a shit ton of projects she could publish this year.

Yep.

Here’s what I COULD have coming soon and where each is in terms of publication:

Dragons, Dicks, Sins and Scribes (Fangs and Fur Book 3), Horror/fantasy/comedy, with editor
Changeling (half written), Dark comedy
Untitled Weird Comedy Thing (Revision stage, pre-beta readers, pre-editor)
Ancient Blood, Horror/Fantasy/Possibly comedy, has been edited, now rewriting, not sure how long that will take
Full re-release of ALL FOUR Gods books, with new covers, new scenes, major edits, and more, Paranormal/Fantasy, revision stage, pre-editor/cover design
Fifth Gods book (half written)
Lies We Tell (or What We Must Become, title is undecided), fully edited, currently querying, but fuck it, scheduled for publication in August/September, Literary Horror
False Prophet (Third draft, the drafts will never end), Very light sci-fi/comedy/thriller
Blind (first draft), Horror
Killer (first draft, just started), horror/comedy
Mind Fuck #2 (planning stages)

 

And did I mention I also write under a pen name?

Will I publish all of these? No. I do plan to tackle 4 or 5 of them before the end of the year. Of course, I may only publish a couple.

Stay tuned…

Choose Your Own Adventure Part 1 (Or When Renee Makes the Dolls Do Stupid Shit)

    by Renee Miller

Good morning, dolls. How is the shit with you? Good? Wonderful. For me, today is pretty exciting? Why? Well, I’m glad you asked. Today marks the first day of what I’m …

Source: Choose Your Own Adventure Part 1 (Or When Renee Makes the Dolls Do Stupid Shit)

New Things!

I know those of you following me on Twitter and Facebook are just about sick of this book, but some of you are not stalking me, so the ones who are will have to suck it up for a moment.

Just released yesterday, to a mildly annoying amount of fanfare and whatnot, I give you, MIND F^^K.

 

Someone is killing the nutters. Four deaths in as many months isn’t anything new for Detective Milo Smalls, but these corpses have too many similarities. Milo barely scratches the surface of the investigation before his boss, Captain Cunt (Captain Maines in the office) orders Milo to take a break. Get some psychiatric help.

Milo doesn’t think his shit is a problem. So he’s a little neurotic. He likes order and mistrusts anything that isn’t divisible by three. So he writes everything down and what’s so bad about liking things to match? So he chews his food well, (no less than three times) but not too well (nine chews is sufficient). So he doesn’t trust pencils and maybe one time he showered his partner with bleach. Whatever. Asshole had it coming.

Milo’s rickety journey toward sanity soon reveals who’s killing the crazies. Except Milo has no proof, the killer knows he’s getting close, and Milo’s next.

This book was possibly the most fun I’ve ever had writing. That might be good, it might be really bad. I’ll let you all be the judge.

And in other news, Dragons, Dicks, Sins and Scribes, book 4 in my Fangs and Fur series, is almost finished. I am editing away like a good girl. Then it’ll go to a couple of final beta readers, then the editor, and THEN we might be ready to publish it. I promised nothing before July, so let’s aim for August/September publication. Yeah? Cool. I’m also 3/4 through the first draft of another project I’m calling absurdist horror. We’ll see if that’s what I’m calling it when it’s done. No title yet, because fuck titles.

Finally, a reminder that if you like the Deviant Doll Publications Facebook page, you’ll be automatically entered every single Monday to win cool stuff like books by Deviant Doll authors, including myself, book-related swag and gift cards.

Have a fantastic Wednesday!

Formatting for CreateSpace: A Writer’s Drinking Game

 

Recently, I decided to teach myself how to format a book for paperback printing on CreateSpace. I also bought a case of wine, so how convenient is that? The problem with formatting is it isn’t fun. Like, not at all. Zero pleasure in this process. Every time I try it, things usually end like this,

 

Or…

However, with a bit of booze, we can turn formatting your manuscript into an adventure. Ready? Let’s go then.

You should have a cocktail or a beer or whatever type of drink you enjoy, as well as some hard stuff for the shots. Oh, there will be shots. Pour your drink. Get a shot ready. We’re good to go.

So, step one is to watch a how-to video. This one is pretty good, but you’ll have to skip to about 9:25 in the video. The first part is just the too-quiet voice telling you why paperbacks are awesome and that you should have a CreateSpace account first. If you don’t, well, you’re going to need more help than I can give and you have to take a shot, because you’re clearly a moron.

Chase it with your drink. Good girl.

Anyway, so at about 9:25, they tell you about some nifty templates CreateSpace has. You can find them here. Pick the size that’s right for your book and continue on. I like 5.25 x 8, but if you want to go bigger, it’s your party, man. Go for it.

Drink because this is a big decision. How big should your book be? Have you decided? Have a drink in celebration of making a decision. Adulting is hard.

Now, you’ll notice there are basic templates (right side) and formatted templates (left side).

Both have advantages.

You should have a drink before we carry on. Don’t want to get dehydrated.

Moving on to the information I’m supposed to be giving here. The formatted template is probably best, but requires a lot of tedious shit. I need a drink just thinking about it.

The formatted templates give you a pre-made layout for your book’s interior. See?

 

You just copy and paste the content chapter by chapter, oh and don’t forget the front and back matter. WAIT! Don’t paste your whole manuscript in at once, you lunatic. That’ll be a shit show.

Chapter. By. Chapter.

Did you just paste the whole thing in? Shot for you, silly boy. If you did it properly, you deserve a drink too. Go on.

Now, you’ll notice the body of the template only has 10 chapters formatted, because apparently whoever made this thing is ridiculous. So, to add more formatted chapters, go to the “Page Layout” tab of your toolbar. Select “Breaks” and insert a “next page” section break at the end of the last chapter.

Like this:

Highlight the previous chapter (In the template, not the manuscript. We’re not there yet. Dummy.) and then copy and paste the text onto the new page. Rinse and repeat until you have all the chapters you need.

You’ll also notice the header is blank or wrong or whatever. God, I need a drink.

Fuck, I love that man. Where were we? Oh yeah.

To change the header text, go to the insert tab. Select “header” and then click “edit header.” Easier way: Double click the header at the top of the page. Opens it right up. Anyway, type what you want in there, and you’re good. Click escape to stop editing and save what you’ve done so far.

Should look like this:

Oh, before you escape out of there, if you want page numbers, now’s the time to add them. Header, Insert, page number. Like this:

But you don’t want the page numbers to be linked to the front matter. Oy. I know, right? Let me open a new bottle.

To prevent the numbers from starting with the front matter, go to the start of chapter one and then click “Design”. When in there, you’ll see “Link to previous.” Click this. The program will ask if you want to delete the link to previous page, and you’ll say, “Yes.”

Like this:

You’re almost done. Let’s take a step back, for those of you who decided to use a basic template. Much of the previous is the same, except the basic templates are essentially blank, except for a bit of text across the top. Like this:

Delete this text and copy and paste your book in there. You don’t have to go chapter by chapter with this template, but it can be a bitch to get everything just so in the end.

No. Wait. I forgot a few steps. Shot for me. Is anyone else seeing double? Good times.

When you have the basic template open… no that’s not right. First, go into your word document. The one with the manuscript, not the template. Jeeze. Drink? Sure.

Okay, make sure the whole document is single spaced, otherwise, when you’re done formatting, it’ll look weird and it’ll be a bazillion pages long.

See?

Weird. This is much better:

All right, so paste that bitch in. Did I say single spaced? I meant 1.5 spacing. Fuck it. Get a new bottle. Yeah, this one’s empty. Pasting, pasting, pasting. Good stuff. Now, look at those chapter headings. Can anyone say yawn? So boring. You can modify the chapter headings really easily. Just go into styles, click heading 1 or 2 or whatever you like, and boom. Nice, nifty chapter headings. Seriously, just look at the before and after.

 

That one was boring. Yawn. Now, the more interesting heading:

It’s all bold and shit. Awesome. Now, after doing this, center the chapter heading. If I have to tell you how to center text, then you should probably just quit writing. Drink? Sure. Once you’ve done the centering, do the same thing for every chapter heading in the book. No, there is no quick way. Well, maybe there is. I don’t know it, so you’re stuck doing it my way. I think it’s in that video I shared earlier. I’ll just finish this bottle while you look.

So, the book is all in there. Whether you used the formatted or basic template, you’re done, almost. Look how nifty it is. Good job. You’re a superstar.

You now have to make sure every new chapter begins on an odd numbered page or it’ll be weird. When people finish a chapter, they expect the next to be on an odd page. I don’t make the rules man. One way to do this is to use the “find” feature an search “chapter.” If you find one that starts on an even page, insert a blank page before it. Continue through the document, check two or three times, to make sure every new chapter starts on an odd numbered page.

Now, save it.

Drink.

Another drink. When did this chair get so slippery? Weee!

Oh, that’s going to hurt in the morning.

Oh, wait. I’ve given you the hard way to do that chapter thing. The tutor should not be participating in the drinking game.

Forget that last paragraph Forget everything after the last image I shared, but before this sentence.

Calm down. Have a drink. Let’s continue.

The easy way to format your chapter breaks is, while in the template (formatted document), go to the end of the chapter. Got it? Good. Now, go to “Page Setup” which is usually under “Layout” if it’s not all by itself up there on your toolbar. Now, see “Page Breaks” up there? Click on that and you’ll get a drop-down menu, where you’ll find “section break” and “odd pages.”

Oh, you’ve drank that whole bottle. Is that all you brought? Poor thing. No sharesies!

Anyway, to summarize: click, Layout, then go to “Section Break” and then click “Odd pages.” Like this:

There. Done. Make sure each chapter ends with a section break and not a page break. And for the love of Christ, don’t just hit enter until the chapter starts on the right page unless you want to ruin the whole thing.

Now, we’re don’t the formatting. Everything looks wonderful. Good job. However, CreateSpace likes a PDF. If you’re lucky, your Word program or whatever you use to write with, has a handy PDF maker thing. Mine is here:

Convert the file to PDF, but save the original Word file too, just in case you have to make tweaks later. Oh, don’t look at me like that. There are always changes.

Anyway, upload the PDF to CreateSpace in the “new book” thingy. Wait for them to prompt you to launch the “Interior Reviewer” or whatever they call it and check for problems. Didn’t work. That sucks. Here. More booze. Now we don’t care. *smiley face*

Did I get my manuscript formatted? Sort of. It’s… a work in progress. If you’d rather do it all yourself without a template (masochistic bitch), this link takes you to a very informative how-to article from CreateSpace. Good luck.

Trust me, you’re gonna need more booze. And if you learned nothing today, well that was my plan all along. You’re drunk and that’s all that matters. Here’s a picture of the Winchesters.

*Post-Publishing Edit*

This post is intended to be funny. If you learn anything, I’d question it, because it was not my intention.

Calm Your Tits and Just Feel the Tingle

Today I’m over at my “sister” site, Deviant Dolls, discussing Chuck Tingle and the Hugo awards. Come on over. I’m kind of funny.

Deviant Dolls

by Renee Miller

I can say calm your tits, because I have a vagina, so piss off.

Today, I want to discuss the Hugo awards and all the shit festering around them this year. But first, let me be completely clear: I don’t support the sad, rabid puppies or whatever ridiculous name they go by these days. Maybe I’ll start further back, in case some of you are living under rocks, and explain a little about these groups.

The Sad Puppies is a movement that claims to want to make the Hugos great again. They campaign against the Hugos limiting what genre fiction should be. But while they claim to want to diversify, when you break down their comments, rants and such, you’ll see they’re essentially about defining the science fiction genre by excluding all who don’t fit into their rather limited ideology, which, it seems, includes only stories about…

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Quantifying Creepiness

Deviant Dolls

by C.M. Saunders

Creepy: Causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease (Adj.)

We all have a thing. Something that creeps us the fuck out. I know a girl who is terrified of dwarves. Even worse than that, there are people who walk among us, looking all normal and shit, with a profound fear of cheese. Yep, it’s true. The condition even has a name, Turophobia.

My thing is creepy crawlies. Not very original, I know. But my bug fear has a weird little twist. The more legs they have, the more repulsed I get. Dung beetles? Cool. Centipedes? Forget it. There’s also something intrinsically creepy about lobsters and crabs. It’s those pincer things. Therefore, despite being about half an inch long, earwigs put the fear of God into me. ‘Cos they have lots of legs AND pincers, see?

Yep, it’s irrational. On paper it looks damn stupid. But it’s…

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Endings and Beginnings: Something Wicked

So, very soon, DeadPixel Publications will be no more. The band is breaking up. Yep. That’s it, that’s all. It’s a bittersweet development for me, as I did enjoy the sense of community that a collective of authors provides. I’ll miss that and most of the new friends I made because of it. However, it leaves the door open for bigger and better, right? Right. This is what I’m telling myself and I’m running with it.

The decision to dismantle DPP has left me to re-examine my publishing path and the goals I’ve placed along the way. The group was a big part of what I’d planned over the past couple of years, so now I have to remove DPP from the equation, which changes things here and there.

While I gained a lot from DPP in terms of readers and my network, perhaps what I learned about myself and this industry is the most important, and for that I’ll always be glad I found that small gang of weirdos.

But let’s address the obvious question first. Why did it fall apart? A number of reasons, many I’m sure are still unknown to me. First, we had diverse interests and goals that no one seemed particularly concerned about merging. A collective of authors is an amazing networking tool for indies. However, if every author isn’t gaining something from the collective, you begin to splinter. If every author isn’t GIVING something to the collective, we see more splintering. With this splintering comes resentment. If members don’t speak their minds on this, it worsens. Sometimes if they DO speak, it worsens. A no-win situation, I suppose.

Perhaps a common theme, such as genre, would have been helpful. The goal is to gain readers, and to expand your reader base, you need a diverse pool to draw from, though. Having multiple genres as part of your collective draws readers who might not check out your books otherwise. But drastically different genres (sci-fi and romance, for example) mean different interests. Authors who aren’t interested in what the other authors are doing, or at least interested enough in a common goal to give a shit, won’t promote said authors. The un-promoted authors, being kind of put out by the uninterested parties not doing their “jobs,” then decide they won’t promote the uninterested authors’ books either.

And then we have a stalemate of non-participation from all sides that defeats the purpose of an author collective.

Of course, every group has that handful of optimistic workers, who try to keep shit going. They promote everyone, and try to rally the troupes. After a while, though, even these shining little rays of unicorn shit give up.

However, let’s be clear on one thing: Despite our differences and the diverging paths we found ourselves on, the breakup of DeadPixel wasn’t bitter. Not on my end anyway. We’re still “friends” and we continue to support and promote each other wherever we can. It was amicable, and we agreed to share custody of Mr. Brumm.

But back to the theme thing. Yes, a theme is useful. Common interests, goals, and such. So out of the ashes or DPP, comes an idea I’ve played with for many years. I started my own band. Yeah, it’s nuts and a shit ton of work, and I keep telling myself I should just do the lone wolf thing, but despite my introvert side, I don’t like going it alone.

Welcome, ladies and gents, to Deviant Dolls Publications (I’m aware of the DDP – DPP thing going on there, but it wasn’t intentional), where the funny, the dark, the weird, and the scandalous collide (may I present the all-important theme). When you check out our little spot on the interwebs, you’ll see a few familiar DPP faces, as well as some new ones.

Check out our books, our bios and our store. In a few days (April 20th) we’ll have an official launch “party” on the Facebook. At the party, we’ll be giving away books, book covers (for the author guests) and some pretty neat swag as we amuse you with shenanigans and witty banter (I hope).

I have a lot of shit to do, so that’s all I’ve got today.

 

 

 

 

 

Tagged: books, DeadPixel Publications, deviant dolls publications, fiction, new chapters, publishing

So You Hate Social Media?

I read a lot of author tweets, statuses, blog posts that complain about social media. The evil, tempting, corrupting spawn of something satanic that we must use to promote our books. If we didn’t have to use it, well we would be happy. We’d write more. We’d do more shit outside. If we could shut our social media accounts down and never venture into those waters again, we’d totally do that.

Pfft.

You would not. Maybe some of you would, but most of us don’t really hate social media. Why? Because it’s not evil. It’s opened up a vast landscape of awesome (and also terrible, but that’s not the focus today) that has been fantastic for indie authors. Hell, it’s been awesome for all authors. The key word in social media is “social.” 100% of your target audience is people, unless you know of a dog or monkey that reads, this number is pretty accurate. By engaging, networking and reaching out to people, you grow your brand and you establish a platform. When you have a platform, it’s easier to sell books, get published, all those wonderful things you want to do eventually. True, social media alone doesn’t sell books. It’s a tool in a marketing toolbox that you’d be a fool not to use.

Think about it. If not for social media, you wouldn’t be here, on this page, reading my little quasi-rant about your lies. You wouldn’t have read my previous post, where I let myself go on a full-on rant regarding something I had strong feelings about. Without social media, you wouldn’t be able to follow this blog at all, because as social media, it wouldn’t exist.

And I have to mention how much I appreciate the irony of authors lamenting the evils of social media on their blogs and their Facebook and Twitter accounts. This is rich, guys.

I will never say I hate social media. I LOVE IT. Without Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, blogs, and the like, I’d never have pursued publishing. Perhaps some of you are wishing I hadn’t. You all can piss off.

Anyway, without social media, I’d never have met my writing mentor, Carlos, or my online besties (too many to name, but the longest and most supportive would have to be Katrina Monroe and Hanna Elizabeth). One of these besties (Hanna) introduced me to DeadPixel Publications, which is a pretty fucking awesome gaggle of writerly types, and through DeadPixel, I met Brian Braden, who gave me a shot with my column on Underground Book Reviews (which I have way too much fun with). Without social media, I’d never have sold a single book outside of Canada (if at all). I love my Canadian family, but I have to be honest, the majority of my sales are NOT in Canada. I sell the most books in the US and the UK, so yay foreign sales!

If not for social media, I’d never have known about new favorite authors I’m so thrilled to have found.  I’d never have branched out beyond the genres I’m comfortable with and found the greatest of all genres; comedy. I’d never make new friends, because let’s face it, I’m not the most likeable person in real life. Sure, I’m chatty, but I’m also awkward, a little weird, and prefer to sit at home. Okay, so maybe that’s not healthy. Whatever. I still can’t blame that on social media, since I’ve been me long before the Internet was invented.

Yes, I get distracted. Yes, I’ve spent hours on the Facebook and Twitter, wasting time and just scrolling. I should be working. It’s not social media’s fault, though. It’s mine. I lack the focus to police my own self. Has nothing to do with social media or the Internet being evil. It has everything to do with my limited self-control and my addiction to Candy Crush.

Without the social corners of the interwebs, I’d never know all of you and you would not be here, reading my shit and being at least marginally amused by it.

But Renee, you say. Social media has causes so much trouble. It lets trolls have power. It makes people nasty and mean. It is a platform for everyone, including people who shouldn’t have a platform. We must stomp it out for the greater good!

 

Okay, so jerks are jerks with or without social media and the reality is, social media is what you make it. It can be a deep black pit of ugly shit, or it can be a useful tool for promotion and play. It can be negative and stressful, or it can be fun and educational. You make it what it is for you. It’s not an entity that can alter your life or ruin it unless you allow that to happen.

So stop hating or pretending to hate. The only person you’re fooling is yourself.

Oh and follow me on Twitter. I’ll also be writing a more in depth, rational article for Miller Time, where I tell you all how to avoid fucking it up on social media. I can tell you’re eager to read that one.

On Dismissive Snobs and Whatever: Be Careful What You Write

The Indie world is all abuzz it seems, and because of a poorly thought out article posted by an author I’ve never heard of in the Guardian. I’ll link to the article, because why not, right? She has a right to be read, however ill-informed she seems. Here you go. 

I wasn’t going to say much at all about it, because everyone’s saying something, but the more I think about what is written in this article, the more irritated I am, so here goes. Let me preface the following rant by saying this is a rant. It’s my opinion and I’m letting my inner asshole out, because she hasn’t seen the light in a while. You don’t like when I act like an asshole? Meh.

Okay, so I  use whatever excuse is available to share that gif. Let’s get back on topic.

I don’t think there is a “right” way to publish for everyone. I think you have to choose your own path, and it might be indie or it might be traditional. No one else has the right to dismiss you for your choices. Cool? Okay.

Now, the article I linked to is clearly something the author tried to reason out, because she’s had this conversation with herself many times. In fact, it seems more like she’s talking herself out of the temptation of self-publishing more than she’s informing anyone about anything. Oh, and she wrote a piece designed to get attention, whether she admits it or not. The backlash is publicity and we all know what they say about publicity.

My anger stems from the fact that her points are not researched and her tone is dismissive and condescending. To me, the article is a regurgitation of every argument ever given against self-publishing by people who’ve never bothered to actually find out what it involves. Shall we begin?

All right. This:

“I think self-publishing is a terrible idea for serious novelists (by which I mean, novelists who take writing seriously, and love to write).”

Serious novelists… who love to write….

This comment is just offensive in so many ways. My first reaction was “What a cunt.” Now, I know cunt is a strong word and I know it’s terrible for me, a woman, to use a derogatory term like cunt when speaking about another woman, but if this were a man saying the same thing, I’d call him a cunt as well. It’s my go-to word for people who have no fucking clue about anything, but think they know it all. If you’re a serious novelist, you will research ALL of your options. You won’t discard one simply because you think it’s too hard or too easy, or you’re “too good” for it. You read, learn, listen and you weigh the pros and cons. You NEVER totally toss anything aside, because this industry changes every day. Readers change every day. You, as an author, change every day. What’s right for you now may not work down the road. But as I read more, I realize she’s one of those lovely breeds who feel that anything outside of literary fiction is not serious writing. So, my opinions is that an arrogant, ego-maniacal moron is the only person who would dare say something so condescending and wrong about her fellow writers.

“Self-published authors should expect to spend only 10% of their time writing and 90% of their time marketing.”

This is the age of instant gratification and attention spans shorter than a two-year-old on heroin. In order to keep your name and your books on everyone’s minds, you must market. Publishers do a bit of it for you, sure, but not much. I’ve published both ways. I know authors who’ve published with larger publishing houses than I’ve used, and all of us, every last one, have to do a shit ton of the marketing ALONE. If you publish at all, you’re going to be marketing for a living, or you’ll stay poor. Period.

“If your passion is creating worlds and characters, telling great stories, and/or revelling in language, you might want to aim for traditional publication.”

Why? Because only traditionally published authors can tell great stories? Only those authors revel in language and create worlds and characters? Are you for real, lady? I mean, seriously. ARE. YOU. FOR. REAL?

I’ve got nothing else. The absurdity of the whole paragraph that precedes this just makes me insane.

Let’s examine the section beginning with, “Self-publishing can make you behave like a fool.”

Hello, Pot. My name is Kettle. You’re awfully black, eh?

The Internet makes us behave like fools. Misinformation makes us look like fools. You, Ms. Traditional, look like a fool for assuming that what you wrote after that nifty little subtitle has any truth to it. If you invite me to your house, I’m not interested in showing you my books. First, on the rare occasion I do some socializing, I usually try to be drunk. So I’m going to ask if you’ve got any booze. Free booze is the best booze. Second thing I’m going to do is pet your cat, because I love cats. If you’ve got a dog, even better. While I gorge on fluffy animal cuddles, I’ll tell witty jokes, use your bathroom once or twice, forage through your medicine cabinet to see what kind of weirdo you are, because that’s what I do, and I’ll eat whatever food you put in front of me.  NEVER will I say, “Oh hey, have you read my book?” Because I’m not a douchebag and I don’t generally pimp my books anywhere EXCEPT online or at book-related events. Furthermore, I don’t pressure anyone to look at anyone else’s books. What world are you living in? Have you even met a self-published author outside of social media? Have you gone outside at all lately?

After this scenario where the self-pubbed author practically shoves books down the poor woman’s throat, she imagines this:

“Then you tell me how many friends you’ve lost today, and that I can find out how many friends I’ve lost by using this app. Then you poke a reader review of your book under my nose. All within the first 10 minutes.”

Because we all know self-published authors are all,

Lady, whatever fantasy world you’re living in is obviously not the one where you see what actually happens in indie publishing. EVERYONE who’s not a dick hates those apps on Twitter. Has nothing to do with what way you publish.

Let’s move on, because I’m really wishing I was drunk on puppy cuddles right now.

Hashtags: traditional publisher use those too. Celebrities use them. People who have product to sell use them. Joe Nobody that Twitters because he’s bored? He uses them too. He’s not selling anything. Just chatting up the strangers on the Twitter, because why not? Why does anyone use a hashtag? Because they help target the audience for your tweets. If I want readers to see my tweet, I use #books #reading, and the like. If I want readers who like horror, I use #horror as my hashtag. If I’m posting about something that I’m pissed about, my hashtag might be #fuckyou or #cuntsmakemeangry. See? Readers aren’t likely to see the last post, because I didn’t target it to them. If you don’t want book related tweets, don’t follow book industry people. See how easy that is?

She then asks why she’d want to join the Indie gang.

Were we extending invites, guys?

Trust me, sweetheart, no one will ever force you to Indie.

Not even if it means we can “forget Hay festival and the Booker.” If awards matter to you, then I suppose this would be important. Personally, I like chart music, even if it’s true that,

“Literary fiction is opera”

Every idea in the paragraph that follows the above statement reveals a lot about this author and her feelings on genre fiction in general, not just self-published titles.

As for looking like an amateur without the help of a publisher and its team of editors, publicists, etc., maybe we all should take a good long look in the mirror. Go on. I’ll do it too.

Sorry. I usually avoid mirrors for this reason. Moving on.

I’ve done the traditional thing, had an editor, the publicity, and guess what? The editor I have for my self-published books was far more thorough, pyramid schemer and all. My network of readers and fellow authors also did more marketing for me than the publisher did. The publisher was small, mind you, but the time I “wasted” marketing and building my platform turned into my free publicity, and it was just as effective.

As for the indie industry being authorpreneurs selling secrets of success to other authorpreneurs, honey, that’s all over this industry. Have you not noticed the traditional industry’s big names selling classes, workshops and the like? No? Well, let’s see, James Patterson, is probably the most notable one, as I’m constantly bombarded with ads for his workshops on Facebook. And what the hell is this, Ms. Judgy Pants? http://rosbarber.com/release-fear-of-failure/

To be fair, the author of the article did respond via Twitter, saying that she doesn’t judge others who self-publish. (See? I researched before I wrote my opinion piece.) She says the article is merely her explaining why it’s not right for her. It’s an opinion piece. Just her reasons for not self-publishing. Not an attack.

Not. An. Attack.

Well, the way the article is written, which you see in the above quotes I’ve shared, and her overall condescending tone imply otherwise. What she wrote does read like an attack, whether it was intended that way or not.

Just so we’re clear, I’ll repeat that this post is a rant and I am judging her. I’m judging anyone who cloaks a self-serving, misinformed rant that belittles others in the guise of “just my opinion.” What is written in the piece is little more than a collection of falsehoods, mostly, and it’s insulting to anyone who has taken the Indie road. She implies we’re arrogant, entitled, self-absorbed and ignorant. Maybe that’s not what she meant to imply, but to me, any writer who is serious about writing, and who loves language and all that, would take the time to choose her words carefully. She’d take the time to ensure what she writes is exactly what she means. No vagueness. No chance of being misconstrued.

I thought we’d moved past the whole “us against them” thing. I thought writers supported writers no matter what path we’ve chosen, and focus instead on our readers. Opinion pieces from any side that dismiss, insult or otherwise cast a negative shadow on a group of writers are assholery and they help no one except the author of the pieces.

I love indie. I love traditional. I love books. I love readers. I don’t care how you get your books out as long as your primary concern is giving your readers what they want. Encourage people to love books, whether those books are opera or chart music.

And don’t be a dick.