Renee Miller's Blog, page 18

And Now…Sex Demons

Not your personal sex demons or mine. We’d be here forever if we discussed such things. I’m talking about demons of the supernatural variety. As some of you may be aware, I write books in a couple of genres. Why? Because I can. Anyway, one of those is paranormal fiction. Mostly romance, because romance and paranormal are like chocolate and peanut butter or bacon and everything. Chicks dig supernatural shit. It’s a fact. (Any woman who claims it is not fact is defective and her opinion should not be trusted.)

I like writing with characters from Greek mythology and I’m kind of fond of vampires too, but demons fascinate me on a different level. They’re evil, but are the really bad? I mean, Crowley has some good qualities, like a good work ethic, and he is kind of hot. Sure, the King of Hell probably looks nothing like the guy I sigh over on television, but I bet he at least has the accent. I love the accents.

But what about actual demons (and by “actual” I mean fictional demons everyone believes might exist, not the ones made up by clever writers and filmmakers)? In my travels through Google, I’ve encountered a great many wonderfully disturbing things, but the most intriguing are the sex demons, which are demons who use sex to destroy you, or who just like a good roll in the hay with a human now and then. I’ve compiled a list just for you over at DeadPixel’s blog. You should feel lucky, or at least flattered. Either way, come learn about the giant mister.

Tagged: DeadPixel Publications, demons, fiction, humor, paranormal, sex

2013: On Writing, Life, Word Counts, and That Rat-Bastard Called Time

So, it’s that time of year again. What time? You know, when we all look back and say “What the hell happened?” This year started horribly for me personally. My father passed away on December 11, 2012, and I believed my world was crumbling in on me. A couple of weeks after the funeral, Kurt took off to British Columbia for eight months, and I had to prepare to move me and my girls out as well. I had to clear out our house, replace floors, HVAC systems, and clean, clean, clean, and then pack all our shit, move to an apartment (which the kids and I fondly refer to as the seventh circle of Hell), clean up the yard (you have no idea), list the house for sale—only to move back in and take the house off the market because Kurt came back home in August. Also, poison sumac. I don’t think I need to say more.

The good news is the stress and injuries caused by the house nightmare kept me busy and distracted as my heart grieved for my dad’s passing. The bad news is I had no time for much of anything else. I picked up my writing again in September, and things started to improve. I’ve written 3 novels this year, drafts only of course, and straightened the kinks out of a couple more I plan to publish in the near future.

I actually accomplished more in my writing than I ever have, and I think the shitty start is the reason. You see, soon after Dad was diagnosed, he became too weak to be on his own for long periods. I visited him almost daily, and after many conversations about life and what he’d do if he’d been given more of it, he inspired me to say “Fuck it” (and I committed to that ideology completely) and I stepped off the hamster wheel of querying and rejection. I published In the Bones and The Legend of Jackson Murphy myself, and I have a couple more novels lined up for this year (if I can get the damn things edited and ready to go, that is). They’ve done well locally, although I’m still figuring out how to operate the Amazon machine.

One of my novels, Lucky, was picked up by Crescent Moon Press, as well. I wrote it last year during NaNoWriMo, as most of you know, and my goal the time was to just have fun. I didn’t consider publishing it until I’d finished. Then, on a whim, I sent out one query, and they liked it. This book is the first in what I planned to be a series of novels featuring Greek gods and other paranormal characters (I have this one outline involving a demon, but we’ll see how that pans out).

And I recently joined an awesome, talented and hilarious bunch of authors, and I’m having a blast checking out their books.

So, all in all, 2013 has been the worst year of my life, but also one of the best. Bittersweet. It’s amazing, though, what you can accomplish when you toss away your expectations and just do what your gut says you should. Mine said to go for it. And I did.

I think Dad would approve.

 

Tagged: 2013, deadpixel, fuck it, future, grief, In the Bones, jack, publishing

Women Are Better Writers

Women Are Better Writers

Curious yet? Come on over to the DeadPixel Publications blog, where I discuss this statement. Is it the vagina that makes us better? Maybe it’s the PMS. Perhaps none of the above?

This industry is fighting a gender war. Sometimes it’s subtle, other times not so much. I think we should settle this shit once and for all.

Tagged: DeadPixel Publications, fiction, gender, inequality, publishing

It’s Almost Christmas, People Are Dicks, But You Can Do This

In less than a month, Christmas will be here. I know you know that, and I know you think I’m a dick for mentioning it, but I needed an intro for this post, so get over it. Anyway, if you’re like me, you generally don’t like groups of people, and this time of year seriously tests your ability to blend in and avoid assault and/or homicide. Christmas parties, dinners, shopping; it all requires us to do shit with other people and sometimes these people are strangers who appear to have lost their damn minds.

But I have good news. You can limit the amount of holiday bullshit you have to deal with. Seriously, it’s really easy. Here’s what I did this year, and I’ve only considered dipping into my murder file once…okay, maybe twice.

Buy whatever you can online, because shopping in your PJs is always right. I did 90% of my shopping online, and I actually saved money, which is always a plus, right? Save the items you can’t buy on the Internet for the very last minute. Sure, you can go early, but no one offers any deals in October or November. It’s always December. Also, don’t do that Black Friday crap. The stores offer the same kickass deals on December 23rd. Trust me. I’ve been shopping on the 23rd for years

Anyway, when you do go out into the insanity, hit the mall instead of trying to drive and park at individual stores. Seriously, holiday traffic is a homicide waiting to happen. When you arrive at the mall, get the shopping over with as quickly as possible. Christmas music kills brain cells, so get away from that shit fast. It helps to have a list. Don’t wait to be inspired. Decide what you’re buying and where you’re buying it beforehand.

There are a few places I always go that never fail to have easy, cheap gifts. My first choice is to hit the book store and buy everyone books. Sure, not everyone on my lists reads, but fuck them. They should. Books are the best. Liquor stores are also awesome. Unless the recipient is an alcoholic. It’s just mean to buy booze for a booze hound. And don’t buy booze for kids. Kids drinking booze on Christmas is frowned upon almost everywhere.

Speaking of drunken fools, while you’re wandering through the mall, KEEP TO THE RIGHT! Don’t upset the flow of traffic by being the asshole walking all willy-nilly through the aisles. Also, respect personal space and NEVER stop in the middle of an aisle or in front of the entrance to the bathroom to chat with your friends. People who do that are assholes. Do you want to be an asshole?

You should try to respect personal space too. Don’t be all up in people’s shit at the checkout or in the aisles. If someone gets in your space, clear them out. Elbows are useful for this, but a more subtle approach is to keep your cart between you and them. They get all gropey-handsy, breathing-in-your-facey, give your cart a good shove. Then you say, “Oh, sorry.” I’m Canadian, so I can tell you from experience, you can be as aggressive as you want as long as you apologize right away. Who is going to be all “You bitch!” when you apologize? Then they look like a dick. Right? I know I am.

People will bump your cart or jam theirs into the back of your legs, or get assholey in general, because they’re desperate and they think no one’s going to beat them down during the Christmas season. You don’t have to get arrested, but a well-placed cart corner really adjusts an attitude.

So you’ve got the space situation handled, let’s move on to your budget. I think the most important thing to remember is that stores are out to get your money. Period. So beware of tricky pricing. You’re a writer. You can barely afford to eat so don’t be suckered in. Stores use several psychological triggers to lure you in, such as placing limits on items, offering bonus shit when you buy (BOGO anyone?), and slow, happy music and tasty, dessert-like aromas. This all gets you in the buying “I’m a sucker” mood. Don’t let them get to you.

Okay, by now you’ve got your gifts and you’re ready to go home. When you leave the mall, don’t go back. Not for anything. One return trip turns into another and then another, and by the 25th you’re a slobbering idiot locked in a jail cell. If you’ve forgotten anyone: Gift cards and cash. Yep. I don’t care if it’s your mom. She’ll probably enjoy buying something she actually wants this year anyway.

When you get home, make yourself something toasty and congratulate yourself. You done good. Don’t waste time trying to wrap the junk you just bought. Buy a bunch of gift bags and you’re done. No tape, no fussing with flaps and folds. Ugh. Shove it in the bag, add a piece of tissue paper, and voila! Pretty.

Shopping’s done, but what about the parties and dinners? Of course I haven’t forgotten about that insanity. I’ve compiled a few quick tips for surviving the party-go-round:

I’d say blend in, but I have trouble with such things. I’m a tall girl, so blending isn’t exactly easy. But look at this picture of a family dinner. We’ve got a big-ass family, and we gather every year for dinner. I enjoy my family, because they’re funny and don’t get all up in my face, but it’s still a challenge. I have become an expert at blending in even when I tower over everyone around me. Look, I circled me in red.

 

What am I doing? First, I play with my camera. No one bothers me when I’m fussing with electronics, because I tend to get cranky. Also, I’m leaning back, just hiding in plain sight. Don’t say much, and don’t make any sudden, noticeable movements, just kind of relax and paste a smile on your face. People usually pass by without a word. Also, notice the two I circled in blue. That’s my mother and my daughter, who are doing exactly the same thing.

Another option is to just drink, and drink a lot. If you aren’t a drinker, you’re going to have to survive completely sober. Sorry for that.

Sober isn’t much fun, but you can make it through. First, avoid making eye contact. You look someone in the eye; they think it’s an invitation to talk to you. Unless you want to talk to that person. That’s different. By all means, go ahead and stare them into submission.

Second, remember that kids are jerks and they like to push buttons. I know this because I have kids. They piss me off on purpose all the time, and I’ve seen them put the screws to family members and friends as well. I let them, because they’re not bothering me for a change. Don’t yell at other people’s kids. Even the nicest, most easy-going parent will cut you for that shit. Not even your brother’s kids. If someone’s mini-me’s are getting on your last nerve, quietly take them aside and scare the bejesus out of them. Writers have all kinds of horrors to share, so tell them what happens to screaming/running/annoying kids. Sure they might rat you out, but it’s their word against yours, and everyone knows kids are notorious for lying.

When you feel like you’re about to blow, go to the bathroom. No one bothers you in there. Once inside, you’re alone, and no one is all up in your shit. Take a breath, take a shit; whatever you have to do to lower your blood pressure. Then, when you’re ready, wash your hands and go back to the revelry. Note: If you stay in there too long, they may send a search party, so keep it to a quick 5 or 10 minutes.

I almost forgot the number one way to avoid conversation: Pick up a book. Books are nice. Books are our friend. And books also keep folks from bothering you. I don’t care if it’s a recipe book or a manual, just pick it up and pretend you’re reading. If you’re lucky, it’ll be a novel and it’ll be good and you can lose yourself in the story until it’s time to go home.

When you’re ready to go, just go. Don’t make a production out of it. Tell the hosts you’re leaving for whatever reason you’ve cooked up (headaches, diarrhea, other commitments, early mornings, and heart attacks are usually the best excuses), and just go. The other guests will try to convince you you’re leaving the best party ever or that your leaving will ruin everyone’s night. They’re full of shit. Once you’re gone, they’ll keep partying, so just leave. Smile at everyone, wave and close the door. Breathe. You survived. Now take out that bottle you stashed in your coat and go home to write.

Tagged: books, Christmas, family, gifts, humor, shopping, survival

Horror Story Survival Guide: Because You Never Know What Real Life Might Throw At You, or If We Writers are Truly Making This Shit Up

I’ve met the NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words (on November 21) so now I can take time to write a blog post. Aren’t you all lucky? Yes you are.

Since OBAMANATION dabbles in horror with its monsters and such (really it’s more thriller/humor/WTF, but the monsters had me thinking about horror fiction and so now you have this post.) But first, I’m honored to announce that I was included in a fantastic group of authors this week. DeadPixel Publications is “just a bunch of people with day jobs, writing for the pure love of the craft and hoping for a little success along the way. By joining forces we help promote each other and create a community of sharing and collaboration with one goal in mind: Helping the public find some kick ass books to read (if we do say so ourselves).”

You should check out their site, maybe like the Facebook page. I don’t usually join groups, clubs, etc., (it’s the interacting with people thing that puts me off) so you know they must be pretty awesome.

So back to the blog post. Why do we love horror novels? Because we’re smart and we know there just might be something lurking in the shadows or under our beds. Perhaps horror writers know shit the normals don’t. Ever noticed how almost every horror novel has little survival tips and such woven into the stories? The smart reader sees these and files them away just in case monsters happen. And it totally could. Assume nothing.

Since not everyone is a fan of horror, because some of you are too scared, I’ve compiled the basics of surviving a monster invasion. I’d hate to see you be the first to die just because you’re a wimp.

You’re welcome.

So let’s imagine a monster of some type, like a vamp or a zombie, gets into your house. Pretend you were actually on top of that shit and killed it—or you’re pretty sure you’ve killed it. You might be tempted to get close enough to see if said monster is really dead. Don’t do that. If the bastard is down, just leave. Fast.

Maybe you’re not even dealing with run-of-the-mill monsters. Ghosts and demons like to haunt things, and they aren’t always obvious about it until it’s too late. Let’s say you find out your house is built on a cemetery, or maybe it’s just next door. Perhaps you find out the previous owners held dark masses or went mad or committed suicide or died in a horrific way. What do you do? You move. That’s what.

Sometimes the horror arrives accidentally, because some idiot finds a cool book hidden in their attic or some other stupid location smart people know to leave alone. Don’t read strange books aloud. If the book contains spells or demon summoning shit, just put it back where you found it.

Speaking of demons, if anyone speaks to you in Latin or any other language they shouldn’t know, or their voice is all fucked up, or their eyes start glowing, just shoot them. Trust me it’ll save you the trouble of dying. By the way, killing a possessed anything will probably require several attempts with a variety of tools/weapons, and possibly a beheading or burning, so be prepared.

So, let’s say you survived the initial attack, and you find some friends or strangers trying to survive just like you. If you’re with a group of people when bad shit starts happening, someone is going to suggest splitting up. Kill this person. When you have the advantage of numbers, why would you split your numbers into handy, bite-sized pieces? Anyone who thinks splitting up is a good idea doesn’t deserve to live.

Sometimes you have to go on the run when monsters arrive. This is smart, because monsters are dicks and they like chasing and killing shit. Anyway, if you happen upon a neighboring town and it’s deserted, there’s usually a reason for the lack of people. They call them “More monsters” so don’t stay there.

While we’re on the subject of running, if you’re running from anything that’s scary enough to render your bladder useless, expect to trip or fall. And even if the monster is shuffling along, and it seems pretty slow, it’s always fast enough to catch you. So, don’t stop to catch your breath or bitch about your twisted angle. Get up and keep running.

Occasionally you’re lucky enough to have a car and you take off in it and you’re all “Phew! That was close. Glad I have this car.” Well cars run out of gas, because this is how cars roll. If this happens at night, don’t go to ANY house for help. Find a gas station or wait, gun/machete/flamethrower in hand, for morning. Also, don’t fall asleep.

Even if you don’t run out of gas, monsters can get you on the highway. If you see a hitchhiker, fuck him/her. Let them find another sucker to ride with. I don’t care if your hitchhiker looks hot/harmless/in trouble, they’re going to kill you or stopping to pick up their asses will get you killed. Also, beware of folks carrying shit like chainsaws, lawn equipment, power tools, knives, hammers, torches or anything they might have taken or made from a dead person. They’re usually up to no good.

Yes, it’s heavy shit, but these are dangerous times. Monsters are no joke. I’ll leave you with a few more quick tips I’ve learned along the way.

Strange noises aren’t worth investigating. If you hear what sounds like a body part falling on your roof, floor, etc., assume it is. Don’t go looking for the source. Idiot.
Flickering lights and flying dinnerware are good excuses to move.
The dead hate it when you take their shit.
Stay away from Maine.
You don’t have to be faster than your pursuer, as long as you aren’t the slowest person in your group.
Always carry salt. Seriously. Ask the Winchesters.
Also get a tattoo like this. See above.
Accept all stories, myths, or legends regarding murder, ghosts, deaths, or supernatural anything as fact.
If the animals start acting weird, you should worry. Also start planning for a long night if weather patterns go batshit or ritualistic killings start becoming the norm.
Never go out during a full moon and don’t make out with folks in the woods ever. Really, you’d think people would know that one by now.
Don’t assume you know anything. Basically, you don’t.
The monster is always behind you. ALWAYS.
Stay away from bullies, jocks, sluts, stoners, EMTs, cops and egomaniacs. These seem to attract bad shit, and they almost always get you killed.
Work on bladder/bowel control. If monsters arrive, you won’t be doing things like using the washroom, or eating and sleeping.
Avoid saying the words “I’ll be right back” or “It can’t be…”
Don’t scream. If you have a screamer in your group, get rid of that person. For some reason, screamers are like magnets for supernatural shit.

 

So there. Any tips you’d like to add? I’ve got shit to do, so carry on.

Tagged: DeadPixel Publications, fiction, horror, humor, NaNoWriMo, Obamanation, survival guide

Questions I Ask Myself When I’m Procrastinating (Seriously, It’s More Interesting Than It Sounds)

First, NaNoWriMo update: I have passed 40K words and I’m on the home stretch. It’s 40K words of suckish awful, but I’m having fun. In the end, fun is always okay.

So, while deciding where to go for the next 10K words of OBAMANATION, I let my mind wander. As it wandered, I realized I do this a lot. When I’m all alone, as I often am if the kids are in school, I like to ask myself the tough questions. Why? Because if I’m editing, my brain is desperately searching for a way out. Anyway, usually it’s a pointless exercise that doesn’t even result in answers, but it wastes time so I can say I was working, when really I was just staring at the wall and laughing at my own thoughts. That’s sort of like brainstorming. Maybe one of these days my questions will spark an idea or an answer will occur that is so mind blowing, I’ll have to share it with the world and I’ll be remembered as a genius. No? I didn’t think so. Anyway, some of the questions I ponder might actually have answers, so I’m throwing them at you.

 

If someone LOVED a book I hated, such as 50 Shades of Shit, and they rave about how much they loved my books, should I be happy or insulted? It’s like they’re handing you a nice little present, which is attached to the trigger of a bomb.

Next, I often wonder should a psychic really have to ask your name if she is truly psychic, and why don’t they pick lottery numbers? I don’t believe that “ethics” bullshit. If you can predict the future, fucking USE IT! Are there no psychics who have played the lottery? I think this warrants further investigation, don’t you?

Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing? It bothers me far more than it should. A fat chance, by definition, should mean there’s a very good chance, but it doesn’t mean that at all.

I write a lot of gardening articles, and ideal growing conditions and such are often included in these articles. One question that scratches at my brain is what’s the difference between partly sunny and partly cloudy? Seriously, how do I know I’ve given the right advice if I don’t know how to tell when we’ve moved from one to the other?

Who else presses harder on the remote control buttons when clearly the batteries are dead and no amount of force will change that fact?

Also, the other day I wrote the phrase “scared half to death” and then I deleted it because it forces me to ask what happens the second time that happens.

As I write OBAMANATION, I find myself thinking a lot about murder versus assassination, and it gets me to thinking. Does your level of importance/social status/historical impact/etc. determine whether you’ve been murdered or assassinated? And while we’re on the subject of murder, if they can make bullet-proof vests, why’d they stop there? Why aren’t soldier, cops, presidents, etc. wearing bullet-proof hats, pants, shirts and shoes?

And who the hell told superheroes that underwear outside of their clothes would be a good look?

The term “Free Gift” irritates me as much as slim chance and fat chance. I mean, it’s a gift. The free part is kind of expected, right? Also on the subject of labeling and marketing and shit, why do feminine hygiene products like douches, yeast infection stuff and tampons have “disposable” applicators? Is anyone going to reuse them?

During this pondering and time-wasting, I’ve never questioned the meaning of life. No, I have only one question for the Universe: Why lice?

 

What questions bother the corners of your brain? Have you found answers?

Tagged: humor, NaNoWriMo, questions, universe, writing

NaNoWriMo: The Road So Far… For Those That Give a Shit About Such Things

 

So, it’s day 7. One week into NaNoWriMo, which I swore I’d never do again because I hate typing NaNoWriMo so much it actually makes me scowl as I do it. But here I am. In it again. LUCKY was my first NaNoWriMo project, and look what happened there. Publisher.  Exciting and all that. So if I didn’t do it this year, it would’ve been unlucky. Heh .UnLUCKY. Get it? Okay, moving on.

Over the summer, I fell into a trap where I wasn’t writing every day. I wrote articles, yeah, and blog posts, but not fiction. Not writing fiction made my stomach feel funny, in a bad way, and I dreamed stories and characters constantly, but making the time to just sit down and write? It didn’t happen.

Now, as I cross the 20K word mark during the first week of NaNoWriMo, I’m kicking myself for being such an asshole procrastinator. I could have had the first three or four books in the FLOG (For the Love of Gods) series drafted. What was I thinking? What’s wrong with me?

Oh, right. Life.

The thing about NaNoWriMo is it gives us permission to set everything else aside. We feel like it’s okay, because we’re working toward something everyone will know about. We’ll achieve a goal and get a nice, shiny virtual medal for it. Then we can say, “Hey, I know my toilets are growing hair, but look what I did!” So folks won’t say you’re lazy and shit, right? Of course.

I can write a lot of words. The article writing has helped increase my typing skills, so I can type as fast as I’m thinking. Well almost as fast. Jesus, I’d be a freak if I could type my thoughts at the same speed they occur. Anyway, 2000 words is nothing. A couple of hours of work. I’m not bragging. It’s rough work. Sometimes it’s horrible work I wish no one had to see, but still, I can pump out 2000 words really fast. This year I joined WattPad, mostly because they’re offering a prize for NaNoWriMo participants who post their stories. But when I read about the contest, I was all, “Hey, how cool would it be for readers to see that books don’t just fall out of our heads ready to read? It’d be a learning experience to actually see why it takes authors so long to release each book, particularly if they don’t have a backlist of titles before they publish.”

So OBAMANATION is going live as I write each day’s words, chapter by awful chapter. The finished product (after editing and rewriting) will be way different than what’s up there now. Everyone gets to see my constant war with punctuation, and how, if someone’s talking to me as I write, bits of the conversation get into the manuscript. Words, sentences, thoughts; just smack in the middle of a scene. It’s insane. I try to catch it, but I’m sure the parts that are live right now have random shit here and there.

The other interesting thing I’ve realized is I tend to add scenes and chapters as I work. Constantly. So I might write five chapters non-stop, and then one day I’ll realize I should have had this person do that thing first, or a character pops up, and I have to add a scene after Chapter 2 to bring them in. This has happened with OBAMANATION. Chapter 3 is totally new. Last night I dreamed about the damn thing, and was all “Oh…the reader needs to see what’s happening from the American’s end. Also, I think Andy needs a love interest, but she’ll be with Jamie first. Oooh…add a chapter.”

So I did. Her name’s Veronica. Yes, she’s much like “my” Veronica, only Canadian, because I know she’d make an awesome character.

Anyway, that’s the road so far. If I keep up at the rate I’ve been going this first week, I should finish by next weekend. Not the novel, but the first 50K words. Yes, I’m impressed with me too. Now there’s no excuse for me to put off the WIPs I’ve got outlined. We all know I’ll make excuses anyway, but we’ll all know it’s a lie when I make them now too.

Anyone else doing NaNoWriMo? How’s it going? If you don’t do NaNoWriMo, but want to motivate yourself, create your own NaNoWriMo month. Make a goal to finish say, half a novel and get to it.

Tagged: insanity, Lucky, NaNoWriMo, Obamanation, procrastination, writing

The Old In & Out: Penetrating the Writer Brain: Lindsey R. Loucks

Hello, all! Even during NaNoWriMo we like to pick a brain or two. This week say hello to author Lindsey R. Loucks, who works as a school librarian in rural Kansas. When she’s not discussing books with anyone who will listen, she’s dreaming up her own stories. Eventually her brain gives out, and she’ll play hide and seek with her cat, put herself in a chocolate induced coma, or watch scary movies alone in the dark to reenergize. I love me a chocolate coma. Now to the questions:

Renee: I firmly believe that every author has a character she’s secretly in love with, whether it’s one of your own, or one created by another author. Give us a name, and what makes him/her so fantastic?

Lindsey: Oh, man! That’s a tough question! Can I cheat and say I have two? One of them would definitely be Peeta from The Hunger Games. He’s such a sweety, and he had my heart hooked from the beginning. The other one is Callum from my Grave Winner series. He’s a bit of a bad boy, but in the second book he really starts to grow as a character.

Purple prose is kind of annoying. All those heaving bosoms, moist caves, and gloriously pulsating love clubs can overwhelm a reader. Some authors can add purple and create a pretty cool effect, though. Describe your favorite food in a purple way.

HA! Pulsating love clubs? Purple prose or no, that is awesome! Okay, let’s see if this will work: Gooey morsels of tender chocolate chips surrounded by a devastatingly rich, moist cookie really pleases my pallet. Yummmmm. Now I’m hungry.

**Me too. I love cookies.**

Writing routines are recommended by the “experts.” I have some things I always do before and while writing that help me focus. For example, there must be coffee and an ugly housecoat involved. Music is also important. What’s the most important (or strangest) part of your writing routine?

Well, I’m usually in my pajamas while I write. In fact, I’m wearing my pajamas right now. They’re just so comfortable! I have to have something to drink nearby, whether it be some kind of caffeinated beverage or water. It has to be deathly quiet. Probably the strangest part of my writing routine is that when I’m struggling with how to phrase something or when I’m wondering what should happen next, I’ll start plucking out my eyebrows with my fingernails. I’m going to have to start wearing some kind of protection because I have a little bald patch now!

**Oh my, I shouldn’t be laughing, but I am. **

What sentence best describes your work ethic? Seriously. Yes, I want to know. Mine? It’s all fun and games until you get an email. Because I’m easily distracted. Okay, now it’s your turn.

Hmmm. Probably slow and steady gets the story done. I’m a ridiculously slow writer, which is why I’ve signed up for National Novel Writing Month to help speed me up. I’m crazy nervous about it but we’ll see how it goes!

**I’ll look you up. I’m terrible for getting distracted by new ideas. NaNoWriMo forces me to stop that nonsense.**

Khan, the Goblin King (aka: David Bowie), Darth Vader and Dr. Who walk into a bar. What happens next?

I’d love to see that! I can see them all getting so toasted that the Goblin King starts dancing, singing, and throwing some babies up in the air. Dr. Who thinks that the bottom of a tequila bottle is a portal to another dimension so he sticks his sonic screwdriver into it and can’t get it back out again. Khan cries into his beer while he laments about Captain James T. Kirk, his only love and the one who got away. Darth Vader would console him for a time, then he’d get bored, whip out his lightsaber and reduce the glowing neon signs hanging on the walls to dust because they somehow remind him of Obi-Wan Kenobi and he feels “smothered” by them. The other bar patrons record the whole thing and post it on YouTube.

**Bows. You are the queen of improvisational writing. Love this.**

The apocalypse has arrived. You have one hope of survival, and his name is Dean Winchester. *swoon* What’s the plan?

Be still my heart! I’ll help Dean in whatever way I can, and then as soon as we’ve saved the world, I’ll jump on him, I mean thank him.

**I’m with you on the jumping—er—thanking. Sigh. Dean… **

What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given about writing? 

I’m not sure if this counts, but I once announced that I wanted to be a writer. Someone I was with said, “Good luck with that.” I sometimes have the overwhelming urge to tell them, “What’s up now, sucka?!”

** I hope you added them to The List. Sometimes people like that are useful, because they make us try that much harder. **

The supers have been getting restless, and somehow they’ve created a vamp-zombie-fairy hybrid. If you had to write this character, what would it be like? Which “powers” would it have and would it be bad or good?

It would definitely be bad because I like my vamps villainous, not sparkly. Zombies aren’t always hungry for human flesh (at least in my books); they can be very secretive and sometimes downright off their rockers. Fairies have been known to be deceitful. So combine a lust for blood, something that’s ten straightjackets past crazy, and a nasty little liar and you have a vamp-zombie-fairy hybrid. Which sounds totally awesome! Note to self—put vamp-zombie-fairy hybrid in next book!

As far as powers go, each vampire fang would have little tiny fairy wings attached to it. I’m not sure how that power would help, but it could!

*Oh! Flying fangs! How awesome would that be? They could hunt without leaving their coffins. **

Thanks for participating, Lindsey. You’re keeping the answer bar high. We should start a Dean stalker—um…Fan Club. We’re not stalkers, right? Right.

Anyway, if you all want to know more about Lindsey or her books, she’s on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, and she has a website. Check out her books as well; The Grave Winner (Published by Crescent Moon Press) and Haunted Chemistry (Published by Entangled Publishing). Like book trailers, check out Lindsey’s for The Grave Winner here.

Tagged: fiction, humor, interviews, Lindsey Loucks, the old in and out

It’s Halloween, So Let’s Discuss Demons

Once I wrote a story as part of a series I was going to call “Bayou Babies.” It was titled “Rowan” because that’s how I title shit during the rough draft, and was about this girl who called up a demon. My initial plan was to have her go all badass and the demon would be this sexy beast kind of demon who saves her and blah, blah, blah. However, after researching demons I realized it wouldn’t be quite the happily ever after I had in mind. Then I scrapped the demon idea and “Rowan” sits gathering dust. Sigh. Anyway, demons are really fucking scary and you cannot control them. Nope. Not ever.

But that doesn’t mean it might not be worth calling one.

In honor of Halloween, the most special and fantastic time of year, I’ve compiled a list of the pros and cons of having your very own demon. So now when you’re pondering what to do tonight, and think, “Hey, let’s summon a demon,” (I mean, who hasn’t said that at least a couple of times?) you’ll have not even close to all the facts about demons.

Pro: Demons will kick whatever ass you name. You give your demon a name and bam! Tortured bastard. I have this list and I’m pretty sure it’s going to take supernatural efforts to get it done.

Con: Sometimes demons get a little out of control due to their overwhelming desire to get out of control. So you might end up settling scores with more than just the folks on your list. Demons tend to settle scores you didn’t even know you had.

Pro: Your demon might give you the opportunity to be immortal.

Con: You’d be immortal in Hell, which I hear is a tad on the warm side and there’s a lot of screaming and chaos and pain. Just ask the Winchester boys.

Pro: Aligning with a demon is better than with a vampire because they don’t need to feed on your blood.

Con: While they’re not fans of blood cocktails, demons do have a fondness for flesh and souls. That might be inconvenient.

Pro: A demon doesn’t take up much space. I think you can even carry some of them in your pocket. They call those “Pocket Demons,” I think.

Con: But most demons travel inside you. It’s kind of like being their meat suit, and you have no control over what you do when they’re in there. They’re kind of like tequila.

Pro: Demons work on a bartering system of “you do for me, and I shall do for you,” which is a very cost effective way to get everything you might desire.

Con: Usually the bartering lies heavily in the demon’s favor, and you can’t do shit about the unfairness of that. Oh, you can try, but you’d be dead. So there’s that.

Pro: Demons are kind of like genies, but better because you’re not limited to just three wishes.

Con: It’s no secret that demons are basically dicks. So, while they’re all about granting your wishes, you’ve gotta be really careful how you phrase that shit. They’ll find loopholes to take back whatever they’ve given you, or to fuck it all up so you end up getting the opposite of what you wanted.

Pro: You could rule the fucking world.

Con: You won’t have a soul.

This explains the folks running shit as we speak, does it not?

Got any pros and cons of demon summoning to share with the class?

Tagged: demons, fiction, halloween, humor

The Old In & Out: Penetrating the Writer Brain: Darke Conteur

Happy Almost Halloween, kidlets. This instalment of The Old In and Out is extra special, because I convinced author Darke Conteur to play along. Darke is a stay at home mom with a passion for writing. She’s also Canadian, and we all know that makes her extra awesome.  She writes stories ranging from paranormal to science fiction, many of which have a Gothic flavor. When she’s not writing, Darke looks after one Husband, one son (Sithboy), two cats, one kitten, and a ghost dog.

So, are you ready for some giggles? Okay, let’s get on with the questions:

 

Renee: Purple prose is kind of annoying. All those heaving bosoms, moist caves, and gloriously pulsating love clubs can overwhelm a reader. Some authors can add purple and create a pretty cool effect, or they use it to add a bit of humor. Describe your favorite food in a purple way.

Darke: I really don’t have a favourite food. I like all food equally. Well, maybe not Brussels sprouts. Those should be outlawed.

**Agreed. They have no use except for torture.**

Fantasy is a vast genre, so authors have a lot of inspiration for stories and characters. My personal favorites are gods and (yes, I’ll admit it) vampires. I could never write about werewolves and be perfectly happy, because I just don’t get the allure. If you were told you could never write about one type of character again (under penalty of torture, dismemberment and then death), which one would you throw off the cliff?

Demons. I love demons. Well…not LITERALLY. You never know what to expect from a demon. All the other monsters have set limitations; you know what you’re getting with vampires and werewolves, but demons can get to you in ways that no other creature can. They’ve been the religious scapegoat for centuries for good reason because they’re so versatile. 

**Good point. I think I must research demons a little more.**

This one is easy: What author would you most like to spend time with (for whatever reason and no you don’t have to share the reason) and what would you ask him/her?

I don’t know. I’m not one of these people who just HAVE to buy a certain author’s book. I don’t go ape-shit like that. If I had to, I’d probably pick one of my author friends. 

Writing routines are recommended by the “experts.” I have some things I always do before and while writing that help me focus. For example, there must be coffee and an ugly housecoat involved. Music is also important. What’s the most important (or strangest) part of your writing routine?

Yeah, coffee’s a good start. I like to write in the morning and my routine goes something like this; turn kettle on. Brush teeth, wash and moisturize face. Make coffee. Clean litter box. Lock doors. Make sure both phones are close by (cell and home). If it’s cold out, make sure there’s fresh wood in the woodstove. Make sure there’s enough light to see. Plant ass. Write. If I deviate from this, my day is shot. Weird, eh?

**Not at all. I’m all about routine. If you throw a wrench into mine, shit gets scary really fast. **

You find yourself stranded in a dark alley at night. Doesn’t matter how you got there, because it’s too late. You’re there. Shit’s happening. Focus! Okay, you have to make a decision. There is no escape. If you don’t decide, one of your loved ones gets it bad. Okay? We’re clear? Good. So, you’re confronted by a werewolf, a zombie, a demon, and a vampire. The only way out is to let one of these bad boys (or girls) turn you. Which do you choose? Why?

Demon. Like I said earlier, they’re versatile. You can do more as a demon than any of the others, including turning the others in the alley into a pile of ash in a blink of an eye.

What sentence best describes your work ethic? Seriously. Yes, I want to know. Mine? It’s all fun and games until you get an email. Because I’m easily distracted. Okay, now it’s your turn.

I’m supposed to have a work ethic? I didn’t know that. I write when I feel like it, and if I don’t, doesn’t bother me. I don’t force myself to write either. If I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood. 

**Love this. **

Let’s pretend we live in a utopia, where everything’s awesome and we’re all perfect. How would we communicate in a perfect society?

Hand gestures. 

**Giggle.**

Pennywise the Clown, Edward Cullen, Jessica Rabbit and the Fates walk into a bar. What happens next?

I make popcorn because shit is about to get serious. Pennywise would take out Cullen in a micro-second (please, he’s a non-violent, emo vamp. I could take him out with a nail file) Jessica Rabbit would out last him only because her big boobs would enthrall the clown to the point of turning him into a drooling idiot. That gives the Fates time to step in and beat the snot out of with the Cullen’s dead body, leaving blood and entrails all over the place.    

**So they all hate Cullen. Makes sense. **

Writers are often labeled as weird, crazy or slightly strange, but we all know that’s not true. Still, it’s hard not to have some eccentricities when you spend so much time in your head. What’s one strange fact about yourself that readers might find a little crazy or odd?

I watch scary shows and scare myself. Some of the stories I write need that horror element, and I find the best way to learn how to do that is to watch scary shows. 

A strange man walks into your house. (It might happen) He’s wearing a wedding dress, which is covered in dirt and a mystery material that looks kind of like snot, but it’s blue, and he’s carrying a shovel with a bloody handle. What happens next?

I ask him how his day was and if he’d like something to drink. Seriously, do you think I’d confront someone carrying a possible weapon with blood on it? I’d throw a cat at him and run out the back door.

I’ve gotta say, Darke’s definitely upped the ante for answers. I can’t stop giggling. You guys can find Darke and her books on her Website. Her books (which I highly recommend you check out ) are available on Amazon and Smashwords.

Tagged: authors, Darke Conteur, fiction, humor, interviews, the old in and out, Watchtower Series