Wednesday Martin's Blog, page 14

"Taming the Mommy Tiger: When His Ex Resents You" in the January Issue of Stepmom Magazine

Cameron and A-Rod's daughter

Let me get something out front: I love Star Magazine. Oh, and Us. I also love The New Yorker and the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. But I've got nothing against lowbrow.

The cases of LeAnn Rimes and Cameron Diaz–one a stepmom, one a woman dating a man with young children–might be spectacularly public, but they're also universal. Each celeb seems to be incurring the wrath of her man's ex-wife.

Beyond having been cheated on and dumped, what are the roots of ex-wife resentment? What makes an ex-wife infuriated and irrationally nasty toward the stepmother of her children, even when that woman didn't break up her marriage? Why does she undermine your relationship with her kids and do everything in her power to make your life hell? Hint: it's not really about money. I write about where Mommy Tiger is coming from–and what you can do if your husband's ex has it out for the two of you–in the current, second-year anniversary double edition of Stepmom magazine. You can also read an introduction to the article here, on psychologytoday.com

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Published on January 03, 2011 14:39

Taming the Mommy Tiger: When His Ex Resents You in the January Issue of Stepmom Magazine

Cameron and A-Rod's daughter

Let me get something out front: I love Star Magazine. Oh, and Us. I also love The New Yorker and the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. But I've got nothing against lowbrow.

A big piece splashed across the pages of Star this week "reports" that Alex Rodriguez–okay, A-Rod–is getting cozy with Cameron Diaz again (they broke up for a while this fall but are back together now–why do I know this?!), bringing her on vacation with him and his two young kids. And his ex-wife, we're told, is not happy about it. In fact, she is allegedly spitting mad. Then there's the story–brewing for several months now–of the animosity between LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville, the ex-wife of LeAnn's now-fiance Whatshisname, which frequently bursts aflame on Twitter.

As a woman married to a man who has 1) kids and 2) an ex-wife, my first impulse might be to feel for the stepmamas in these situations. But as a mother and occasional mommy tiger myself (you do NOT want to be that elderly gentleman at Starbucks who gave my three-year-old the hairy eyeball for coughing in his vicinity the other day, trust me), and having researched and written about wife/ex-wife resentment for the last several years, I have another take on what makes the Mommy Tiger rage–and how to tame her.

On this topic, one wishes LeAnn would lay off the passive-aggressive, self-canonizing tweets, as if she were St. Stepmom. Sure, it was Whatshisface's choice to have an extramarital affair and leave his wife. We can't blame LeAnn for his call. But do he and LeAnn actually expect Brandi to NOT be angry about this public humiliation and its emotional half-life, particularly when LeAnn steps on her turf and her toes with frequent tweets about how she loves Whatshisface's kids like they're her own, referring to them on twitter as "my boys" and listing all the things she does for them, like spending 20K on their Christmas presents? When is a stepmom being good and when is she trying too hard and when is she rubbing her husband's ex's nose it in? How can a mom NOT be infuriated when she finds out via Twitter that one of her children has wound up in the emergency room for stitches during a weekend with Dad and Stepmom, neither of whom bothered to phone her about the injury? Sometimes a stepmother with the best intentions will piss off a mother/ex-wife by "overreaching" and encroaching on mom's role and relationship with her kids, while her husband fades into the woodwork like a doofus, presuming as he does that kid stuff is "woman stuff." I would say that's what's going on here. Except for the "unintentional" part.

Meanwhile we have A-Rod's ex, Cynthia Scurtis (who has a Master's degree in psychology), allegedly fed up that their kids vacationed with him–and Cameron Diaz. "CAMERON IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH ALEX–AND HIS DAUGHTERS!" an insider tells Star. Meanwhile, a "source" states that it's the parade of women the notorious Yankees stud is subjecting the kids to, not any one of them in particular, that has Cynthia ticked. "First Madonna, then Kate Hudson, now Cameron–Cynthia is sick of having all these different women hanging around the girls," according to, you guessed it, "a source." Can't really fault her for that, if she did actually say it (I love Star but I do retain an awareness that it is not The New York Times when it comes to fact-checking and accuracy of quotes). I have to say, it is really, really hard to share. It is hard for me to imagine having to share my kids with ANYONE sleeping with the guy who fathered them. Especially when she looks as good in a bikini as Cameron does. Maternal feelings are primal and powerful and protective and yes, sometimes they are petty.

Beyond having been cheated on and dumped, what are the roots of ex-wife resentment? What makes an ex-wife infuriated and irrationally nasty toward the stepmother of her children, even when that woman didn't break up her marriage? Why does she undermine your relationship with her kids and do everything in her power to make your life hell? Hint: it's not really about money. I write about where Mommy Tiger is coming from–and what you can do if your husband's ex has it out for the two of you–in the current, second-year anniversary double edition of Stepmom magazine. Hope you will check it out.

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Published on January 03, 2011 14:39

A Struggling Stepmother's Holiday Wish List

You told me what's on your list

Maybe what you want for the holidays is some understanding! I wrote a piece for StepMom Magazine that is currently on their sample articles page. Have a look…and you may just want to get yourself a subscription to the online magazine as a holiday gift.

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Published on December 22, 2010 08:09

Blog Talk Radio Interview with Peggy Nolan and Erin Erickson!

Tune in for Stepmom SOS...

On Monday evening Dec 20 at 8 pm EST I'll be talking to stepmom bloggers Peggy Nolan and Erin Erickson LIVE on their Blog Talk Radio Show (you might hear my children yelling in the background!) Tune in, listen, call in, send in questions….hope to "talk" to you then!

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Published on December 20, 2010 06:55

Holidays or Hellidays? How Women with Stepchildren Can Survive the Season

Have a good enough holiday!

Hope you will have a look at my latest post on psychologytoday.com….and leave a comment. And tell me about it…what are you doing for the holidays? Any tips for other women with stepchildren?

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Published on December 18, 2010 18:07

Kick Barnacle Syndrome to the Curb this Holiday Season

You, giving it the boot

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of "Barnacle Syndrome," which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

If you're feeling like you just got "tacked on" to your husband's life–that it's all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here's what's likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place "because it's easier for the kids" or because it's bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a "maternal" role with his kids. I'm personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around "our" house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband's daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn't need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn't even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother's place, "Since that's what I've always done." Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being "tacked on" like a barnacle to your husband's previous life is common–but it's not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It's a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you're feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it's an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a "haunted house" since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it's exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it's hard, but let's be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you'd like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it's just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone's anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you're all trying to feel like a "real family," whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We're so stuck in the "first family head" when we think about what's best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they're around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a "Dad hog" if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you're out doing something you really enjoy.

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Published on December 06, 2010 12:53

Holiday Tips for Women with Stepkids on Beliefnet.com

Feeling stepmonsterish as you anticipate the ways it might go wrong this year? Having flashbacks of Hellidays past? Beliefnet columnist Therese Borchard is running an article I wrote for surviving and even enjoying the holiday season. Have a read and TELL ME ABOUT IT: WHAT'S YOUR BEST TIP FOR KEEPING YOURSELF HAPPY OVER THE HOLIDAYS WITH STEPS?

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Published on December 01, 2010 08:27

Teachable Moments–Recognizing Them and Using Them This Holiday Season

The term "teachable moment" gets thrown around a lot–but what does it actually mean? One of my favorite educators and developmental psychologists, Rebecca Mannis, Ph.D., has a special guest post on my psychologytoday.com blog on holidays and the teachable moment.