Scott Murray's Blog, page 228
January 25, 2013
Zambia v Nigeria: Africa Cup of Nations – as it happened | Scott Murray
Zambian keeper Kennedy Mweene scored one of the great penalties as the holders scrambled a lucky draw against Nigeria. Scott Murray was watching
Scott Murray
Football transfer rumours: Ashley Williams to Liverpool (among others)?
Today's gossip would like to invite you to supper, as we like the look of your honest, sonsie face
PIPING IN THE GUESTS , WELCOME SPEECH, GRACE
ADDRESS TO THE RUMOURS
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, fact-free rumour
O you do not put me in a good humour
Thou need tae stop testin' ma patience
Wi' journalist's prattle!
If ye were a tim'rous beastie I'd chase ye
Wi' murd'ring pattle!
THE MEAL
Cock-a-leekie soup
Haggis
Swansea defender Ashley Williams to Liverpool, Arsenal, Tottenham or Newcastle
Neeps
Nigel Adkins to take over at Huddersfield Town
Tatties
Celtic's Victor Wanyama and St Etienne defender Kurt Zouma to Manchester United
Sporting Lisbon attacker Ricky van Wolfswinkel to Norwich City
Toulouse midfielder Moussa Sissoko to Newcastle
Julio César to Real Madrid
Clootie Dumpling
Porto central defender Rolando to QPR
West Ham midfielder Mohamed Diamé to Tottenham or Arsenal
Supermarket Own-Brand Basic Alcohol Drink (Whisky Flavour)
BURNS RECITAL
To A Louse
To Ruin
The Lament
Despondency: An Ode
Winter: A Dirge
Man Was Made To Mourn
A Prayer Under The Pressure Of Violent Anguish
Ah, Woe Is Me
Scotch Drink
Remorseful Apology
TOAST TO THE LASSIES, TOAST TO THE LADDIES, GUARDIAN-APPROVED TOAST TO THE HUMANIES
AULD LANG SYNE
REPAIR TO CAR PARK FOR BRAWLING AND CRYING
POLIS CARRIAGES
Scott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
January 23, 2013
The Fiver | Football's never-ending battle against rampant capitalism | Scott Murray
FIVER LAUREATE MARKS HISTORIC ACHIEVEMENT WITH DOGGERELThe Fiver loves it when a story comes full circle. As our regular reader, you, may be aware, this season's Capital One Cup has, ironically, consisted of a series of belts in the mouth for the big-money bullies. Arsenal, Spurs, Liverpool, Everton and Manchester City have all been dumped out of the competition by teams with much less cash than them, and now, after the jaw-bothering events of yesterday evening involving Bradford City, we're halfway to the dream final everyone's been hoping and praying for: Not Aston Villa versus Not Chelsea!
Vicious capitalist oppressors Villa had hoped to crush Bradford, of the Fourth Division, for that is what it is, under the wheels of industry in the second leg of their semi-final. And they sort of did for a while, Christian Benteke pulling back one of the two goals Paul Lambert's side required to turn around their first-leg deficit during a first-half siege. However when James Hanson levelled things against the run of play early in the second half, Villa, to a man, touched cloth, and could only muster a late goal from Andreas Weimann by way of reply. Sorry, 1982 European Cup winners! Not good enough! Bradford – sensationally and deliciously – had made it to Wembley!
"These lads will be remembered in the history of Bradford City for years to come," began proud Bantams manager Phil Parkinson's thundering oratory. "There's a 1911 Lounge at the club to celebrate the FA Cup victory of that year. Well, in years to come, there will be a lounge named after this cup run and these players because of what they've achieved." Hear hear! The Fiver raises a glass in the Fiver Social to that! For whatever happens in next month's showpiece showdown against either Chelsea or nation's favourites Not Chelsea, a fourth-tier team reaching a major final is the sort of stunning achievement that resonates down the ages. Everybody, after all, fondly remembers the only other side from the Fourth Division to do so: Rochdale, staunch runners-up of the 1962 League Cup.
And here's where our story comes full circle. Hanson, last night's hero in football's never-ending battle against rampant capitalism, used to stack shelves at the Co-op (which incidentally is what Paul Lambert will be doing soon). And where was the Co-op founded? That's right, Rochdale, by that grand old town's famous Society of Equitable Pioneers! Such is the monumental scale of this event, an emotionally overwrought Fiver has penned the following poem to mark the occasion:
Oh Rochdale Pioneers
You had not capitalist peersYour peers wore cloth caps
Which did not quite fit
They had to work hard
Down the pitThey spent their lives being pr1cked around
Whether down the pit or overground
Actually, we probably should have mentioned football in there somewhere. It's a bit Bradford-lite, too, isn't it? But you get the gist. And tonight, Swansea City look to become the second unfancied side to reach the final, as they embark on their efforts to hold onto their first-leg lead over vicious capitalist oppressors Chelsea at the Liberty Stadium. Admittedly, should Swansea prevail, this one won't be quite as sizeable a shock as Bradford's amazing win, as the Swans are a Premier League team, but let's not forget they themselves were in the Fourth Division, which is what it is, a mere eight years ago. With two goals in the bag, and Michu today agreeing a new four-year contract with the club – "I am living a dream here at Swansea," he simpered – the Welsh underdogs go into the game with spirits high. Should they make it to Wembley, though, don't expect any more stanzas from us. We're planning to spend tomorrow in discussions to succeed Carol Ann Duffy as Britain's poet laureate. Or possibly The Man, singularly unimpressed with today's tatty doggerel, will have told us to do one, in which case we'll be stacking shelves – alongside Mr Lambert – at your caring, sharing Co-op.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHTJoin Paul Doyle from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of Swansea City 1-3 Chelsea (3-3 agg; Chelsea win on away goals). And you can take that to the bank.
QUOTE OF THE DAY"I am no mercenary. I am going to be well, my mother is going to be well and that is the most important thing. It will be a much more tranquil life financially, but sports-wise it will distance me from my objectives which are the national team, playing in Europe and [Big Cup], and being among the best clubs in the world" – Brazil international Bruno 'I'm no mercenary' Cesar defends his move to Saudi Arabia's Al Ahly.
GET A FREE £25 BET WITH BLUE SQUAREFIVER LETTERS"Re: John Dixon's predictable and tedious slurs about PE teachers (Monday's Fiver letters). May I be the first PE teacher to respond. These bloody so-called proper teachers love to whine about how easy we have it … until that is they ever have to actually get outside and supervise some kids in a situation where they are not all sitting at desks. Then they suffer total meltdown" – Robert Heath.
"Phil Pierce's question about switching to watch lower-league football (Fiver letters passim). Why switch? I combine occasional trips to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea with occasional trips to watch Dulwich Hamlet at Dog Kennel Hill. While the former can boast a higher skill level and a greater variety of chants, the latter is cheaper, my view isn't interrupted by loads of people coming in late or leaving early, the beer is drinkable, and I can pay someone to wash my car during the game" – Aaron Nelson.
"Lower-league football is better. I now regularly watch Chester FC. Goals galore, successive promotions and I can walk to the ground. What could be better? Well, apart from the weather last Saturday v Stalybridge Celtic. We're sure to be promoted to the Conference proper this season, and could well be promoted yet again next season to the Football League. Which begs the question: if this happens, would Chester FC no longer be considered lower league and would I have to find someone else to watch?" – Ben Rigg.
"With all the recent letters around the joys of non-league football and the dissatisfaction over the money grabbing marketing spin that is professional football of our era, I wonder why a group of bright sparks don't set up a breakaway league comprising clubs on the simple premise that their players come from the locality of the club, where fans pay no more than £10 for tickets, and where the players are all paid an equal share of a percentage of turnstile revenues alone with clubs run on a not-for-profit basis. Is this the beginning of a START FOOTBALL campaign?" – Dion Di Miceli.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Ben Rigg.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATESWe keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBSPeru U-20 player Max Barrios has left the South American U-20 Championships after it was claimed that he's actually a 25-year-old Ecuadorean … called Juan Espinosa. "If confirmed, the selection will not be penalised because we would have been swindled by the player," sniffed the Peruvian Football Federation.
With Real Madrid sat 15 points adrift, the Special One has conceded La Liga to Barcelona. "It does no good to obsess over these things, obsession only makes things more complicated," he obsessed.
In 2002 news, Brazil boss Big Phil Scolari has called up Ronaldinho to face England next month. "Is Elvis v JXL still No1?" enquired no one in particular.
And David Beckham's eldest son Brooklyn has had a trial with Chelsea.
STILL WANT MORE?The lovely footballing caricatures of Dan Leydon feature in this week's Beautiful Games gallery.
Meet Martyn Pert, the English coach aiming for unlikely success in South America.
The Knowledge looks into in-game calls of nature and Manchester United's greatest TV Cup run ever.
And we remember the last time Bradford City headed off on a European adventure, back in 2000.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVERDUCK!Scott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
January 19, 2013
Paul McGinley's populism is Europe's Ryder Cup answer to Tom Watson | Scott Murray
The popular and easy-going Irishman can give the US captain and Scotland's darling a run for his money as a stand-up chap
The Ryder Cup sails into uncharted waters next October – and not just because, should the meteorological combination of Scotland + autumn x Celtic Manor 2010 hold true, Gleneagles will be battered by so much rain that half the estate will aquaplane up the A9 towards Perth.
No, new maps are being drawn up as a result of the United States team's inspired choice of Tom Watson as their captain. In strict golfing terms Watson's appointment is a no-brainer. He has eight major titles to his name but, perhaps more pertinently, led the US team to a statesman-like Ryder Cup victory at The Belfry in 1993. That win came two years after the Americans made a royal show of themselves during the War on the Shore at Kiawah Island; given the team are once again trying to salvage some dignity after another self-inflicted embarrassment, admittedly of a vastly different stripe this time, Watson is the obvious go-to guy for the task in hand.
Yet this is all a side issue compared with the real game-changer: Watson's wild popularity in Scotland. The man's an honorary highlander. He won four of his five Open Championships on golf's home soil, half of his total haul of majors. His most heralded victory was at Turnberry, the famous duel in the sun with Jack Nicklaus at the 1977 Open. His favourite course in the world is a couple of hours in the car from Gleneagles at Royal Dornoch. And he is one of the few men who does not look wholly ridiculous while sporting checked trousers.
Watson took Scotland to his heart and Scotland reciprocated. As a result the time-honoured dynamic of the Ryder Cup will be totally altered. European crowds feel comfortable going along to holler abuse at boors like Hal Sutton, or point and guffaw – rather cruelly, we should be big enough to admit – at terminally confused souls such as Corey Pavin.
But Watson? Few will wish to witness any ill fate whatever befalling one of the game's true gentlemen – not least because there is a feeling Scotland still owes Watson a little something, after Stewart Cink snatched an improbable Open from the old boy's grasp at Turnberry in 2009, thus ensuring the entire planet will never dare to hope, dream or harbour romantic thoughts about a single thing in their entire lives again.
Watson's status may explain why Team Europe this week plumped for Paul McGinley as their leader. They are fighting fire with fire. McGinley did not pull up many trees as a player – two top-10 finishes in the US PGA represent the sum total of his achievement in the majors – but, while he is nowhere near Watson's class with club in hand, the popular and easy-going Irishman can at least give him a run for his money as a stand-up chap. When he sank the putt that sealed victory for Europe at The Belfry in 2002, it was not long before he was exuberantly fannying around in a lake.
He spent the following joyous days modestly telling the press how, now his name might ring at least one or two distant bells, he hoped to blag a couple of free tickets to see Celtic sometime. Towards the end of the 2006 rout at K Club he conceded a huge putt to JJ Henry, shaking hands on a half when a streaker skedaddled across the green and busted the American's concentration.
But McGinley boasts a jaw-dropping record in the Ryder Cup. A winner as a player in 2002, 2004 and 2006, he had left the stage by the time of Faldo's Farce in 2008 – proof that multiple majors do not guarantee getting the job done – before returning as vice-captain for the victories at Celtic Manor and Medinah. His exact backroom duties for those two wins remain vague but, even if they ran no further than lining up the players' celebratory pints and ensuring his fellow vice-captain Darren Clarke did not get his hands on them, he was considered important enough for Rory McIlroy, Lee Westwood, Graeme McDowell and Luke Donald to proselytise vigorously for his elevation to the captaincy.
Maybe it was just time for a change after the high-intensity Colin Montgomerie and José María Olazábal eras. McGinley's relaxed style is a conscious shift down the gears, a throwback to the pint-and-a-pie-and-another-pint populism of Sam Torrance and Ian Woosnam, and one that is probably necessary considering he will be up against someone oozing a similarly insouciant charm.
Whether he will be able to maintain his happy-go-lucky equilibrium is another matter altogether, mind you. Take the legendary American player Lloyd Mangrum, who cut as cool a figure as has ever sashayed down the fairways. There is a shot of him contesting a Masters during the 1940s, leaning up against a tree at Augusta, hair slicked back, a pencil-thin moustache, sucking leisurely on a cheroot as the world went by. The man made Rhett Butler look like Travis Bickle.
Mangrum was given the playing captaincy of the US team in 1953 at Wentworth. He won his foursomes match 8 & 7 but in the singles it soon became apparent that his noggin had gone. He four-putted one green, got involved in a surreal argument with his opponent about the colour of his jumper and lost his match by two holes. His team still won, but only just and only because poor Peter Alliss suffered a golfing nervous breakdown with the cup in his grasp. "I will never, never captain again," stammered Mangrum, "because of the 9,000 deaths I suffered in the last hour."
Such is the pain that awaits our two mild-mannered heroes. There will be no such stresses for European spectators, though. McGinley or Watson? Watson or McGinley? Either way we win. It is the first no-lose Ryder Cup! Providing the weather does not sluice Gleneagles back down the road towards Auchterarder.
Ryder CupTom WatsonPaul McGinleyGolfUS sportsScott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
West Bromwich Albion v Aston Villa – as it happened | Scott Murray
Minute-by-minute report: Villa lost a two-goal lead but at least climb out of the relegation places. Scott Murray was watching
Scott MurrayDerby County v Nottingham Forest – as it happened | Scott Murray
Minute-by-minute report: Derby came from behind to leave honours even in the east Midlands derby
Scott MurrayJanuary 18, 2013
Football transfer rumours: Wesley Sneijder to Liverpool?
Today's gossip is sorry, but isn't *sorry*. Ah, the duality of meaning
We begin with the never-ending and never-interesting story regarding Chelsea's perpetual search for a new manager. The revolving door's been spinning round since the days of Danny Blanchflower and Geoff Hurst, you can't just pin this one solely on Roman Abramovich. OK, with the Mears family long gone, you probably can. Whim Boy's decided that this Rafael Benítez experiment could be going better, and will replace the Champions League-winning, Uefa Cup-winning, two-time La Liga-winning, FA Cup-winning, World Club Cup-winning manager with Gianfranco Zola of Watford and formerly, of course, Chelsea. It won't be so long before John Terry, Frank Lampard or Winston Bogarde gets the job for a couple of months, will it?
Also in the frame, should the club wish to go down a more sensible route, are Borussia Dortmund's Jürgen Klopp, Swansea City's Michael Laudrup, Atlético Madrid's Diego Simeone, José Mourinho's José Mourinho, former Saudi Arabia boss Frank Rijkaard, and the Ron Noades de nos jours, Roman Abramovich. We've made the last one up ourselves, folks, but you just wait and see if it doesn't come to pass some day soon. Mark our words, good people, mark our words.
Over the road at Arsenal, increasingly beleaguered Arsène Wenger is interested in Napoli hitman Edinson Cavani, but won't be making a bid because the bottom of his pockets are too far away for his little arms to reach. That's not a snide dig at his parsimonious transfer policy, he does wear a very long coat. But it's not all bad news at the Emirates. Theo Walcott, who plays for Arsenal, is going to sign a deal with Arsenal. More breaking news as we have it.
Stoke City don't have a clue whether Kenwyne Jones will leave for Swansea City in a £3m deal or not. He's only got 14 more days to make his way out of the Britannia front door before the transfer window shuts, for a start, and at the speed the big guy ambles, time's already at a premium.
Liverpool are interested in Wesley Sneijder, but only if he comes and promises to jig about Anfield for beans. That'll be that, then. Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur are more likely destinations, but given what we know about the negotiating abilities of the Liverpool penpushers, the same might as well be said for Basingstoke Town, Haverfordwest County and Wick Academy.
Manchester United are interested in Pescara playmaker Juan Fernando Quintero, but he's not interested in them. Note to kids born in or after 1992: this does happen.
Newcastle United have to do something, and are hoping moves for Saint-Etienne striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and PSV Eindhoven forward Jeremain Lens will be enough. Not if Milan make off with £10m-rated keeper Tim Krul, it won't be. There's hope for Aston Villa yet.
There's isn't hope for Aston Villa.
Norwich City will splash £10m on Celtic striker Gary Hooper and Swansea's Danny Graham.
And finally, Mario Balotelli's away to Milan. Like Cristiano Ronaldo before him, and Luis Suárez next year, you'll miss him when he's gone.
Transfer windowScott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
January 17, 2013
Football transfer rumours: Réveillère, Odemwingie and M'Vila to QPR?
Today's gossip has to round up the chat again tomorrow morning, and so fervently implores the good people of Fleet Street to inject a little excitement into a strangely sedate transfer window with some hot trading news in Friday's papers. Make something up, anything, nobody cares whether it's true or not, least of all us, just throw us a bone over here will you
Stoke City and Wigan Athletic are showing interest in the Crystal Palace winger Yannick Bolasie. As opening salvoes go, we've done better, we'll freely admit it. But this recurring Wilfried Zaha to Manchester United story is nothing more than a constant reminder of the futility of humankind's existence. We simply can't go down this road any more, and Palace owe us something.
Arsenal are also interested in Zaha. Our existential hell! Our queasy disorientation when faced with a meaningless world!
The Rumour Mill thanks the Lord, then, in so much as He or She or It exists, within us rather than as an external agency if we've got our existentialist reading of religion correct, but don't quote us as we're simple football folk with a very thin grasp of both philosophy and theology, for Harry Redknapp. The QPR boss has put bids in for the West Bromwich Albion striker Peter Odemwingie, Lyon full-back and Andrews Sisters earworm generator Anthony Réveillère, Rennes midfielder Yann M'Vila and West Ham midfielder Momo Diamé.
Everton provide some competition for M'Vila, while Arsenal are also sniffing around Diamé.
Here, that all-new Rs gossip blew off a few cobwebs. Marvellous. Good old Harry. Glory glory, we believe. Let's see if we get to the end of today's column without going over any more old ground, then, eh readers.
Now that Pep Guardiola's broken the space-time continuum with a move to Bayern Munich that nobody had a sniff of, the first left-field suggestion for Jose Mourinho's next job is in. The former Inter boss is a target for Milan. Tomorrow he'll be linked with Liverpool de Montevideo; Monday morning is the turn of Basingstoke Town. He'll end up at Chelsea, won't he.
Sunderland want the Swansea striker Danny Graham, and plan to make room by telling Louis Saha to bugger off.
Chelsea are trying to do the same with the Winston Bogarde de nos jours, Florent Malouda, but you try getting someone to leave a party when they've got a can of Midland Mild on the go and another three tinnies still in the fridge.
Wolverhampton Wanderers are planning a raid for the Norwich striker Simeon Jackson and Doncaster winger David Cotterill.
Aston Villa, who are making a habit of turning up at the arse end of the Mill, and Fulham are in a tussle for the Dnipro defensive midfielder Derek Boateng.
And finally Manchester United are back in for the Benfica defender Ezequiel Garay. GODDAMNIT. Seems we were right first time round, every day is the same. See you tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
Transfer windowQPRScott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
January 12, 2013
QPR v Tottenham Hotspur – as it happened | Scott Murray
Minute-by-minute report: A crucial point for Rangers in Harry Redknapp's first game against Spurs since his sacking. Scott Murray was watching
Scott MurrayJanuary 11, 2013
The Fiver | Grudge matches in the Premier League | Scott Murray
INTRODUCING THE ALL-NEW TRADEMARKED FIVER WEEKEND™This weekend – or to put it another way, and here's a reference for anyone who's seen our fancy new advert, the Fiver & Shortbread McFiver Official Trademarked Two-Day Time Period During Which You'll Run Yourself A Hot Bath And Consume Quite A Lot Of Basic Alcohol Flavour Drink, Get In The Bath And Stare At The Razors, Wondering How On Earth Society Has Come To This Pretty Pass, Then Get Out Of The Bath And Let Yourself Drip Dry While Staring At The Floor Because You Don't Even Have The Energy To Towel Down These Days™ – there are a few big grudge matches in the Premier League!
First up is QPR against Tottenham Hotspur, which sees Rs boss 'Arry Redknapp face the man who took his job at Spurs, André Villas-Boas. "I have no problems with him," blasted Redknapp. "Good luck to him, he's doing excellent. I will shake his hand and invite him in for a drink after the game, he seems a nice guy." Boom! Once the flames of that white-hot controversy die down, we're over to Old Trafford for the massive Manchester United versus Liverpool stramash. "We are going into the game in reasonable form," thundered Sir Alex Ferguson. "Last year it was unfortunate with the Suárez behaviour. I think hopefully it is behind both clubs now and we can just look forward to the game." Wow, gauntlet down! What an attitude! It's certain to kick off! And if it doesn't, we'll blow something out of all proportion and pretend that it did. Heavy scenes!
But perhaps the fiercest showdown of the weekend sees Chelsea take on Chelsea. It would seem the modern snivelling Blues fan, eight months after seeing their team win the European Cup, is totally incapable of witnessing a couple of narrow home defeats. And so out have come the toys, look, you can see them arcing from a pram situated along the Fulham Broadway in a perfect parabola towards the Earls Court Exhibition Centre. "The fans are in turmoil," cried the chair of the Chelsea Supporters Group, Trizia Fiorellino. "If we don't perform and we go a goal down, it could get really nasty. There are those that won't accept Rafael Benítez!!!" So there you have it, modern football in a nutshell. Thank God it's Friday afternoon, eh readers? After a week of trawling through this filth, the Fiver feels dirty. Time for a nice relaxing soak!
QUOTE OF THE DAY"I'm not one for hiding my light behind a bushel. People say you can't go into England because you are not allowed cross-borders [leagues]. Well there is now a cross-border [league]. You have a Uefa-sanctioned professional women's league in Belgium and Holland, so we have a precedent there. If there was an opportunity to join a cross-border league and that was challenged by Uefa, I would go to Strasbourg and challenge the $exual equality" – chief suit Charles Green thinks he knows how to get the Pope's Newc O'Rangers into the English leagues. Hmm …
GET A FREE £25 BET WITH BLUE SQUAREFIVER LETTERS"Following on from Dean Saunders saying 'I don't think Jessica Ennis stops at McDonald's' (yesterday's Quote of the Day), can I point out that merely 'stopping' at any fast food chain is, by itself, unlikely to do any damage to athletes, nor indeed soldiers. By his logic, is the best way to kickstart my new year simply to 'stop' at a gym? It's interesting he didn't use Usain Bolt as an example instead of Ennis … oh, wait" – Oliver Rogers.
"Your Michu photo caption (yesterday's Fiver) was a slap in the face to those of us who peruse your daily tea-timeish email in the hopes of avoiding any of the unpleasant current pop culture references that make us readers feel so uncomfortable in modern society (or at the very least, to find them so hopelessly jumbled in the confusing mish-mash of the main story that they sail harmlessly by). Want to make the odd reference to one of Sly Stallone's lesser efforts? Fine, go right ahead. But to brazenly drop an elbow firmly on the pulse of a six-month-old throwaway bubble gum song? Tsk tsk tsk" – Daniel Stauss.
"Attn: Fiver Glasshouses Editor (Thursday's Fiver letters). Dropped you a line about APR on Wednesday. It contained a number of admittedly mediocre finance puns; the first of which was 'principal' (as in the sum on which a borrower pays interest) in lieu of principle. Thanks for noticing. Are Fiver Towers made of glass? Forever in your debt" – Mike Wilhelm [Fiver Glasshouses Ed has been placed on gardening leave – Fiver Ed].
"In future, I would suggest including a caveat: 'the quality of our editing may go down as well as up'" – James Watson.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Oliver Rogers.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATESWe keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBSRenowned socialists Arsenal Football Club are willing to pay Theo Walcott £90,000 every seven days for the good of humanity so that we never have to read another story about his contract. At least until his next one.
Renowned socialist Arsène Wenger has told fans they can do one if they think Arsenal's tickets are too expensive. "They have a choice. They can choose to go to Manchester United. They can choose to go to Manchester City. They can choose to go to Barcelona. You can choose to go to the theatre or not. Of course it's fair," he spluttered.
Fabricio Coloccini has told Alan Pardew that he wants to leave Newcastle as soon as possible in order to return to South America for personal reasons.
Optimistic customer complaints expert BT reckons it can rival Sky's coverage of football in the UK by splurging billions of pounds on two sports channels presented by Jake I-can-cover-anything-me-even-the-Royal-Wedding Humphrey.
Former Liverpool owners, Statler and Waldorf, have dropped legal action against the directors who forced them to relinquish control of the club.
And despite Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi describing Mario Balotelli as a "bad apple" who "infects" dressing rooms, Man City still reckon they can offload him to the Serie A club for the price of 125,000 camouflage onesies (£25m).
RECOMMENDED VIEWINGThree videos for you today: first up, a Peruvian keeper pulling off the kind of double save that, let's be honest, Neville Southall wouldn't have made, or even have bothered trying to make; a Belarusian youngster going all Nayim from downtown; and AC Jimbo ringing in a new year with a new-look Euro paper review. Or at least a new cake.
Chelsea fans are berating their star man Fernando Torres with David Bowie song lyrics – and that's a step too far, warbles Barney Ronay.
David Lacey hates handball – and he doesn't mean the oft-overlooked Olympic sport.
God* made Friday afternoons so that idlers could discuss Lord Ferg's bargain buys XI on blogs like this one by Paul Campbell. *God may not actually exist, sorry.
Pickles the dog, Jimmy Glass and David Di Michele star in this week's Joy of Six: unlikely football heroes.
The Fiver almost crashed its car when it read Louise Taylor's interview with Josh McEachran in which he described Ashley Cole as 'very caring'. Read those words for yourself here.
And always wanted to know which Premier League team is best supported in Bognor Regis? This interactive Twitter map may help you out.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER501! 501! 501!Scott Murrayguardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
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