Scott Murray's Blog, page 230

Football transfer rumours: Chelsea to sign Falcao and Higuaín?

Gimme an R! Gimme a U! Gimme an M! Gimme an O! Gimme a U! Gimme an R! Gimme an S! What have you got? An unimaginative standfirst!

The gossip around Theo Walcott is really hotting up. The other day we told you that Chelsea are interested in the Arsenal contract rebel. Now it seems that Chelsea really want him, for they're lining up a – [adopts booming Family Fortunes era Max Bygraves voice] – BIG MONEY bid for him. The Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson will respond by springing into action, stuffing Nani into a hessian sack along with a couple of breeze blocks, then offering Arsenal – [adopts George Costanza's salad-purchasing roar] – BIG MONEY for Walcott before putting the sack in the boot of his car and wheelspinning off towards the canal. Liverpool are still interested, though, and will wait to see if he is still available in the summer when they can get him for – [adopts mice-from-Babe timbre] – free.

Now that Fernando Torres is finally scoring goals, Chelsea plan to unsettle the delicate ecosystem in the £50m Spaniard's Fabergé head by purchasing two new strikers. They're putting together a £10m-a-year contract for Atlético Madrid's Radamel Falcao, and might purchase Gonzalo Higuaín from Real too, seeing as they're in town shopping. Torres, meanwhile, has started to worry about the hessian sack with bricks in it. He doesn't want to go in the sack with bricks in it!

Despite being one of the most successful clubs in the world, Arsenal have nonetheless regularly gone through long trophy-free periods in their rich history. They didn't win anything between 1886 and 1930, for example, or 1953 and 1970, or 1979 and 1989. It's always OK, though, they bounce back eventually. But this historical trend seems to have passed by the more dunderheaded section of their support, who seem to think Arsène Wenger should be winning the title every single year, and pulling the moon down from the sky in order to make everyone cheese on toast while he's at it. Billionaire part-owner Alisher Usmanov has decided to play to this select gallery of goons by publicly suggesting Wenger should budge over a bit on the coaching bench to make room for Thierry Henry, who unlike Wenger has not got a brilliant 25-year managerial career to his name but has got a better record of looking good in hats while pretending to be Max Roach in adverts for cars. No mention yet of the hessian sack for Arsène, although Usmanov has extended an invite to his manager for a day's shooting deep in the woods.

Genoa have not won the Italian title since 1924. Their 27-year-old Swedish centre-back Andreas Granqvist is looking for a similar vibe in England. Oh look, here come Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur.

Here, does anybody remember Spangl ... hold on ... Guardian Unlimi ... no, that's not it ... Max Bygraves taking over from Bob Monkhouse as host of Fam ... nope, have patience, we'll get there ... Heurelho Gomes? That's the one, Heurelho Gomes. Anyway, he's demanding a move back to Brazil as he's fed up being fourth-choice keeper at Totten ... what, you don't remember Heurelho Gomes? Well there's no point carrying on with this, then.

The new Queens Park Rangers boss Harry Redknapp has lined up his first megabucks transfer deal: he's flogging midfielder Esteban Granero to Fiorentina, to make sure Rangers can bank a few million quid before the midfielder's relegation escape clause kicks in. This is going well.

Fulham's manager, Martin Jol, wants the Roma keeper Maarten Stekelenburg, who hasn't been getting many games over in Italy. Stekelenburg could perhaps get a carton of smokes from duty free on his way over, you never know who might want them.

Aston Villa's latest underwhelming contribution to the giddy jet-set rumour scene is our penultimate piece of the day: they'll offer Millwall £2m for midfielder James Henry, but no more.

And we finish with the news that Manchester United and Arsenal are both very interested in Kevin Strootman. The PSV Eindhoven midfielder will cost at least £17m, which means Manchester United it is, then. Milan, Tottenham Hotspur and Liverpool are being mentioned regularly in dispatches too, but only to talk up the price. Not a particularly new rumour, this one, but possibly still fresher than the Walcott one we led with. Still, look at it this way, we're finishing in the grand showbiz style on a high. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been the Rumour Mill, you've been great, thanks for listening, enjoy your weekend, try the booze!

Scott Murray
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Rory McIlroy: Why he should win Sports Personality of the Year - video

Scott Murray makes the case for the only non-Olympian on the BBC list, golfer Rory McIlroy, to take home the 2012 trophy

Scott MurrayBen GreenRichard Sprenger

Premier League: 10 things to look out for this weekend | Scott Murray

Queens Park Rangers are desperate to avoid doing a Swindon; Manchester City look far more comfortable chasing the leaders

1 QPR desperately need some festive cheer

This Queens Park Rangers vintage is now officially corked, the season turning sourer than the cheap plonk served up by the hapless Swindon sommelier John Gorman in 1993. Last week's draw at Wigan meant Rangers now hold the record for the poorest start to a Premier League campaign – 16 matches without a win – and a comparison with that Swindon side makes for desperate reading. When Town won their first game at the 16th attempt they were only two points behind the side second from bottom (Oldham) and five from safety (a mark set by Southampton and – check this one out, pop kids – Chelsea). Nevertheless they ended the season 13 points and 30 goals from dry land.

QPR, meanwhile, are also only two points adrift of the second-bottom club (Reading) after 16 games. But they have yet to win and need eight points to haul themselves out of the drop zone. Harry Redknapp clearly needs to make some desperate purchases in January but, if the juxtaposition with Swindon's season tells us anything, it could already be far too late.

A lucrative point-gathering run in December is essential, then, starting with a win over visiting Fulham on Saturday, although the recent form book does not augur well: Fulham prevailed at Loftus Road last season, also beating the not-so-Super Hoops 6-0 at Craven Cottage. They have won the last four matches between the teams. QPR have not got the better of Fulham since May 1983, when two goals from John Gregory and another from Tony Sealy on the old Omniturf of Loftus Road gave the home side a 3-1 victory and jiggered the promotion hopes of Malcolm Macdonald's men.

2 Newcastle United desperately need some festive cheer

Newcastle were so impressive last season that it is easy to forget they are not long back up from the Championship. Recently promoted sides are due a wee stutter somewhere down the line and Newcastle are in the midst of a full-on jabber right now: only one win in the last 10, a run which has seen them lose five of their last six Premier League games and plummet down the table. Currently only four points off the relegation zone, and one ahead of their struggling neighbours Sunderland, they could do with getting something from Saturday's early game against the champions, Manchester City.

It might be too much of an ask, given that it is Newcastle's home form which has really caused the concern: while they recently beat Wigan at St James' Park, the 3-0 win was skewed by the early dismissal of Maynor Figueroa and the result came off the back of defeats in what appeared to be winnable home fixtures against West Ham and Swansea.

A point against City would suffice with the visit of QPR coming up next – but four points from those two games are a must, given that Toon's 2012 climaxes with brutal back-to-back tests at Manchester United and Arsenal. Hatem Ben Arfa, a scorer on Monday night against Fulham and a constant ball of creative energy, has come back from injury at exactly the right time.

3 City: typically best when chasing

You sometimes have to wonder exactly how much damage all those years of being 'Typical City' has done to the psyche of the blue half of Manchester. The manner in which last year's title race panned out, not to mention how events unfolded on that ludicrous last day, suggested City are far more comfortable chasing the leaders than setting the pace themselves. So perhaps last weekend's defeat at the hands of United might perversely do them a favour. Now six points behind Sir Alex Ferguson's side, City are already in a position where they cannot afford too many more slip-ups. But with United now clear favourites for the title, the pressure on City to perform week in, week out might be lifted a tad – and in any case Roberto Mancini's men seem to respond well to a bit of do-or-die.

Newcastle were spanked soundly by United at home this season and, if City ease into gear, they could feasibly inflict a similar reverse on a side low on confidence. A win would set City up nicely for a gentle end to 2012, with festive games coming up against Reading, Sunderland, Norwich and Stoke. Fifteen points out of 15 – not beyond the realms by any stretch – could see City close the gap that has opened up. Although would that be good news? Too early? Ach, we've confused ourselves now.

4 Arise, Sir Tinkerman!

So United have this six-point advantage at the top, then, a lead they have built without playing particularly well at any point this season, by their own ludicrously high standards anyway – until last weekend's victory at City, that is. United were magnificent for most of the match – give or take a couple of their by-now-obligatory defensive errors – and would have been out of sight after an hour had Ashley Young's goal not been unfairly ruled out for offside. This, moreover, was against a team who had turned their home ground into something of a fortress.

It has not gone unnoticed by certain sections of the United support that Fergie has been tinkering with his team pretty much every single week for years now – he did not name an unchanged side between May 2008 and March 2011, for example – and he has been faffing about with the line-up this season, too. But at the City of Manchester Stadium he picked pretty much the best available starting XI for once. And they played brilliantly. With no midweek fixture to follow, Tinkerball (sorry Claudio and Rafa, but Fergie was copping flak from his own fans for this sort of behaviour decades ago) really should scribble down the same team-sheet two weeks in a row. Can he resist the temptation to fix what is not broken?

5 Liverpool go forth for fourth

Liverpool are far from the finished product – give it another couple of decades or years at the very least – but it is three wins on the bounce now for Brendan Rodgers' emerging side, who have done for Southampton, Udinese and West Ham in quick succession. It is instructive of how poor the Premier League currently is that Liverpool, who have struggled for large chunks of the season, are only four points off Everton in the last Champions League slot and two behind Arsenal who, despite their travails, have not been written off for fourth spot yet. But the Reds, maligned for much of the campaign, suddenly find themselves back in contention for a Champions League return and hope is flickering back into life at Anfield.

Wiser heads will be counselling caution, suspecting the side is still too flaky and inconsistent to maintain a push for fourth. Villa, coming off the back of a magnificent League Cup quarter-final thrashing of Norwich, could easily plunge the Kop back into the familiar throes of impotent frustration – and in 10-goal Christian Benteke they have a striker as dangerous as anyone in the division (save perhaps Luis Suárez, Robin van Persie and Sergio Agüero) – but should Liverpool make it four wins in a row for the first time since the very early days of King Kenny's second reign, expect their European hopes to be talked up. (Even if it is probably not much of a signifier: Mr Roy managed four in a row while he was here, too – against Blackburn, Bolton, Napoli and Chelsea – and look how things panned out there.)

6 Toffees need to make it stick

Everton flew out of the blocks this season – a first for the usually somnambulant starter David Moyes – but after reaching the heady heights of second spot following a home victory over Southampton, the old sleep patterns kicked in again. Everton won only one match of their following nine and, though they lost only one as well, much of their early momentum was wasted. A disappointing run looked set to continue last Sunday at Goodison, but Everton awoke with a start right at the end of their game with Tottenham and a quick double from Steven Pienaar and Nikica Jelavic gave André Villas-Boas's side a whammy in the mouth.

It is a result crying out to become a pivotal moment in Everton's season: as well as the drama inherent in such a late turnaround, the three points allowed them to clamber over Spurs and reclaim a Champions League berth. Everton cannot afford to slip back into snooze mode, though. Stoke away is hardly an ideal fixture when looking for your first back-to-back league wins since the opening two games of the season – when Everton saw off Manchester United and Aston Villa – but, if any team can go toe to toe with a Tony Pulis side and come out on top, Moyes's side can.

7 Speaking of Stoke City …

Michael Owen is "raring to go", apparently. He might play a game of football! Now this, folks, is news. We probably should have led with this, to be honest.

8 West Brom's form: gone west

West Bromwich Albion were the form team in the division three weeks ago, when a fourth win in a row took them up to third place, but now they are facing the sick symmetry of a fourth consecutive defeat. The Baggies are unlikely to sink down the table like another surprise package, Phil Brown's Hull City, did four years ago – West Brom are a markedly better side – but runs like this have a habit of draining confidence quickly and Steve Clarke will be looking to plug the leak before events spiral out of control. The form of Sunday's visitors, West Ham, offers Albion the chance to turn things around, the Hammers having lost three of their last four, although there is a fairly major caveat: those defeats came against Tottenham, Manchester United and Liverpool, and the other game in that run was a victory over Chelsea.

9 Catharsis Time!

On Monday night – you will have to take it up with the Trade Descriptions people if you do not agree with our free-jazz interpretation of "weekend" – it is Catharsis Time at the Madejski. Reading will be looking for redemption after that 7-5 League Cup defeat, a singular match from which Brian McDermott's side have done their level best to recover – although one suspects they have not quite managed it. They have since registered their first league win of the season, at home against Everton, but that's been followed by four defeats on the spin, including an unlucky one in a five-goal thriller at Wigan, then another unfortunate reverse in a seven-goal rollercoaster against Manchester United.

Sides not suffering from shock tend not to act like this. A win against Arsenal, preferably by one goal to nil, would allow Reading some closure, though with their leaky defence, and the Gunners looking to respond to midweek humiliation at Bradford with a cathartic cry of their own, another goalfest appears more likely. Although here is our one cast-iron guarantee of the week: there will not be another 12 goals. (Legal disclaimer: there might be another 12 goals.)

10 Can Caley Thistle keep it up?

Up in Scotland – you will have to take it up with the Trade Descriptions people if you do not agree with our free-jazz interpretation of "Premier League" – the form team Inverness Caledonian Thistle travel to Dundee United. This could be a cracker: United are coming off the back of a morale-boosting derby victory over that lot across the road while Terry Butcher's side has responded to a shocking 5-1 shellacking at home by Motherwell in mid-November with three magnificent big-game victories: 1-0 at Parkhead, 3-2 at local rivals Aberdeen and a whopping 3-0 win over (the then) second-placed Hibs. Butcher has quietly cobbled together a formidable collection of talent – Billy McKay, Andrew Shinnie, Richie Foran and Owain Tudur-Jones have all been excellent this season – and while the title is a pipe dream, they have as much chance of finishing second as anyone else. Mind you, history is against them: outside the larger established clubs (the Old and New Firms, plus the pair from the capital) only Motherwell's 1995 vintage have broken into the top two since Willie Waddell's Kilmarnock won the title in 1965. Still, post-Rangers, this was supposed to be the year Scottish fitba ground completely to a halt. Hey, that has simply not happened, has it? It's on!

ArsenalAston VillaChelseaEvertonLiverpoolManchester CityManchester UnitedFulhamNewcastle UnitedStoke CityWest Ham UnitedWest Bromwich AlbionSouthamptonQPRReadingSwansea CityWigan AthleticScott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Alexis Sánchez to Liverpool? | Scott Murray

Today's gossip was collated while sitting next to two dehumidifiers which have been clattering away 24/7 for two days and will remain clattering away 24/7 for another two weeks and may* eventually cause Po' Gossip Collator to go on a small spree [*will]

The story about Theo Walcott leaving Arsenal is getting so old that even football journalists, never the quickest out of the blocks, are getting bored of it. So they've tried to spice up the usual mix - Manchester City, Liverpool, Chelsea - with the addition of Manchester United, who have been very happy with the purchase of Robin van Persie and want some more of that hot Arsenal 2006-2012 action. It can't be long before Spurs are mentioned in dispatches too, and then we'll pretty much have the full house. Try waiting patiently for that, eh. Three weeks before the transfer window opens, there's plenty of time.

Manchester United are also interested in Stoke City goalkeeper Asmir Begovic, presumably because Sir Alex Ferguson has worked out a trick involving three big upturned metal cups, David de Gea and Anders Lindegaard. Liverpool and Arsenal are also interested, as it seems that – and forgive us for only just noticing this, but we're football journalists, never the quickest out of the blocks – each modern football rumour has to involve at least two or three clubs now. One player to one club is never enough these days, each transfer tale has to be a baroque maze of innuendo and obfuscation. Oh for a nice, crisply designed story with clean lines.

Liverpool are kidding on they don't care that Walcott is off to United, and are ostentatiously making eyes at Barcelona forward Alexis Sánchez instead. They're also looking at Chelsea's Daniel Sturridge, Blackpool's Tom Ince and West Brom's Shane Long – the latter also having caught the attention of Bayern Munich – though Brendan Rodgers appears more preoccupied with getting shot of Joe Cole. A couple of papers insist he'll be leaving Anfield in January, though poignantly neither mentions a destination club. Whether or not this has anything to do with Rodgers's recent purchase of several house bricks, a hessian sack, some strong twist ties, and two tickets for the Mersey ferry, one return, one single, has yet to be verified.

Manchester City are keeping a beady eye on Paris St Germain defender Mamadou Sakho. Sure thing, one's never enough: Arsenal, Milan and Lille are also interested, though Arsène Wenger has to get shot of Sébastien Squillaci to make room in his squad, and good luck with that.

Chelsea will run the rule over Corinthians midfielder Paulinho (English: Mr Paul) this week, otherwise this world club business in Japan is going to be a complete waste of time and effort. It almost goes without saying that Manchester City and Internazionale are also interested, so much so that Chelsea may switch their attention to Manchester United target Cheick Tioté instead.

Southampton want Barnsley defender Scott Wiseman. Obligatory meddling: Reading.

Newcastle United will soon be saying goodbye to Demba Ba – a striker on the radars of Arsène Wenger, André Villas-Boas, Rafa Benítez, Brendan Rodgers, Roberto Mancini and Tom Cobley – and replacing him with Dynamo Kiev hitman Artem Milevskiy, who is available for a couple of million quid. It may or may not give Alan Pardew pause that Roy Hodgson, when his head was spinning through several axes at once while at Anfield, tried to sign Milevskiy for £14m, a deal that would have registered a full 11 points on Christian Purslow's Carroll Index and sent the needle on the face of Mr Roy's Patented Poulsen-o-meter(TM) shearing clean off.

And Swansea City will spend £3m on Bristol City winger Albert Adomah. Nobody else is interested, the exception that proves the rule. At least for the next 24 hours, until the scouts at City, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal and United get wind.

Manchester UnitedLiverpoolNewcastle UnitedScott Murray
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Gerd Müller merits exalted place in history whatever Lionel Messi does

German striker's record is under threat from Lionel Messi but his mastery of the scorer's art should still be celebrated

Bayern Munich's old Grünwalder Strasse ground. A cross loops in from the right. Standing in the penalty area, the home side's No9 meets the ball as it drops, planting a header into the right-hand corner. A decent finish, although by itself the goal is hardly worthy of comment, certainly not the kind of strike worth rooting around on YouTube for, more than four decades after it was scored.

But let the clip run on. Seconds later, that cross is looping in again. It's got to be an action replay: the ball's sailing at the same speed along the same parabola, and the striker is standing in the same position. Except no, it's not an action replay. The striker meets the ball with his head again, but this time he sticks it away bottom left. Each time the keeper goes after the ball; each time he's got no earthly hope of reaching it. In eight seconds of footage, the genius of Gerd Müller – if not statistically the greatest goalscorer of all time, then the player who distilled the art of striking into a pure tincture – is perfectly illustrated. Unspectacular, unpredictable and utterly unstoppable.

Müller's nickname was Kleines dickes Müller – short, fat Müller – although he was neither, a man of average height and average build. He was also known as der Bomber, but that was something of a misnomer too, as his finishes were rarely explosive: most of his goals were trundled in from close range, pea-rollers sent towards the far corners, finishes that seemed signally unimpressive, until you realised he was doing this every single week, season after season, and he wasn't just some scruffy hack enjoying an abnormal run of luck.

"He didn't score many beauties," says Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger, author of the highly entertaining history of German football Tor! "But he just put them away. You wouldn't notice him, and then he'd pop up and score a goal. It wasn't like people didn't know who he was – he was doing this in one of the best leagues in the world, and playing for one of the top international teams – but they could find no way of stopping him."

Müller is back in the news, 31 years after his retirement, because his long-standing record of 85 goals in a calendar year, a mark reached in 1972, is on the brink of being obliterated. Last Wednesday against Benfica in the Champions League, Barcelona's force of nature Lionel Messi romped into the penalty area in search of his 85th goal of 2012, but went down clutching his knee instead. He was carried off, but with what proved to be a minor tweak, so goals 85 and 86 still seem inevitable for a player who cannot stop scoring: if Messi does not make Barça's starting XI at Real Betis on Sunday (he's rated at 50-50 to play) he has got two further league matches in December (against Atlético Madrid and Valladolid) and a two-legged Copa del Rey tie against second-tier Cordoba to consign to history Müller's record.

Yet Müller's feats of 1972 are unlikely to be forgotten quickly. Comparisons are odious – this pair deserve more respect than another reductive who's-best back-and-forth – but the German's stats bear repeating. Messi has played 66 games this year to reach his 84-goal mark. Müller required a mere 60 for his 85.

The year 1972 started for Müller in late January – a point by which, 40 years later, Messi had already enjoyed five outings and notched four times – with the only goal for Bayern at Fortuna Düsseldorf.

That goal was the first of 42 in the Bundesliga during 1972. Each and every one had a huge effect on Bayern's roll of honour: the club won the title in 1971-72 and retained it with ease the following season, the latter championship the foundation for Bayern's hat-trick of European Cups between 1974 and 1976. "Everything Bayern have become is due to Müller," says Franz Beckenbauer, who spent a decade sauntering upfield to exchange one-twos with the man.

Müller's brilliant year continued apace. He scored seven goals in the German Cup, and another 12 in the German League Cup. He was as deadly on the continent for Bayern as he was at home: he scored one in the quarter-final of the 1972 European Cup-Winners Cup against Steaua Bucharest, then went to town in the early rounds of the 72-73 European Cup, with three against Galatasaray and another seven in a tie against Omonia Nicosia of Cyprus.

These are hardly garden-variety rates of scoring – Müller's 40 league goals in 1971-72 still stand as a Bundesliga record – but it would be his acts on the international stage that sent the year stratospheric.

Müller scored 13 times in five appearances for West Germany, at one point scoring eight of his country's goals in a row, a record at the time. He almost single-handedly won Euro 72, dragging England's old warhorse Bobby Moore all around Wembley and halfway to the knacker's yard with his incessant movement in the quarters – he also found the net, naturally – then scoring two apiece in the semi-final and final against Belgium and the USSR. In addition, he helped himself to four goals in 16 minutes in a friendly against the USSR, and another four against Switzerland. Germany's 1972 vintage is considered the greatest, and Müller was its driving force.

Eighty-five goals, 60 games, one Bundesliga, one European Championship; this is not normal behaviour. And yet one can still legitimately question whether Müller's annus mirabilis is as notable as all that. When he scored his final goals of 1972 in Bayern's last match of the year – a hat-trick in a cup game against lower-league Barmbek-Uhlenhorst – not a word was mentioned in the German media, or anywhere else. The concept of goals by calendar year simply had no currency.

A devalued Deutsch mark, too, because Müller's figures were skewed by those 12 German League Cup goals. That tournament was a confection spun out of thin air by the DFB, a fundraiser for clubs bereft of fixtures while the German season paused for the Munich Olympics. "Without that cup, 1972 was par for the course for Müller," says Hesse-Lichtenberger, though that observation is designed as a compliment. Müller's staggering career stats back it up: 401 goals in 459 league matches, 35 goals in 35 European Cup ties, 68 goals for his country and 62 caps. A sensation, and relentless with it.

That other phenomenon, Messi, may find himself past Müller's total on Sunday, a jaw-dropping achievement in an era where defences are supposedly more sophisticated. Yet he will end 2012 with nothing more than a Spanish Cup gong to show for it. Slim pickings compared to the short, fat one.

But whether Messi makes it or not, neither man's legacy should be affected too much. For all Messi's ludicrous scoring rates, his game is less about how many, more about how pretty, aesthetics trumping raw data. The less flamboyant Müller, who was happy to shin it in, will always be about the hard stats. Still, there is always an exception that proves the rule. Müller's four goals against the Swiss in 1972 were part of a 5-1 win. Günter Netzer got the other. He was set up by an exquisite backheel from Müller. Positively Messi-esque.

Bayern MunichLionel MessiEuropean club footballScott Murray
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Saturday clockwatch - as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Comfortable wins for Arsenal and Chelsea, Sunderland fall into the relegation zone, QPR break Swindon Town's record for early-season haplessness, plus a seven-goal thriller as Norwich pip Swansea. Not a bad afternoon, all in all. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Football transfer rumours: Fernandinho to Tottenham Hotspur?

Today's gossip is having a seat on the ball

These are stressful times at The Arsenal. The club hasn't won a trophy for exactly 100 years, and their fans are getting restless. So with the January transfer window coming up, they've spotted a perfect opportunity to keep the support quiet for a bit by linking themselves with players they have no intention whatsoever of buying (and even if they did they couldn't because they don't have any money, and even if they did they wouldn't because Arsène doesn't like spending it)). This tactic is betrayed by their £7m offer for the Crystal Palace prodigy Wilfried Zaha, a player rated by his club at £20m. Oh they're in for him! They're also after Pepe Reina, although only if they can persuade the Liverpool keeper to take a massive pay cut. The Schalke striker Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, the Newcastle hitman Demba Ba, the PSV midfielder Kevin Strootman and the Montpellier defender Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa are four other players who'll be coming to the Emirates, except they won't.

Southampton are finally finding their feet at Premier League level again, so it's time for the big clubs to come in and nick all their best players. Newcastle United will bid £5m for the captain Adam Lallana, while the young left-back Luke Shaw has been targeted by Arsenal (yes, we know) and Chelsea. Another triumph for modern football, let's tally it up by scraping a very thin shard of chalk down the world's smallest chalkboard.

Newcastle are also interested in the West Ham midfielder Momo Diamé. As indeed are Arsenal, but, well, y'know.

Wigan Athletic are about to sign the Honduras international Roger Espinoza. The 26-year-old Sporting Kansas City player can operate in either midfield or defence, and will play for Wigan for 18 months tops before being snatched for a silly amount of money by a big club who can't be bothered to look further than the end of their nose but would probably save themselves a few quid if they did.

Manchester City are very, very interested in making off with three Dinamo Zagreb youngsters: the 16-year-old playmaker Alen Halilovic, the 20-year-old right-back Sime Vrsaljko and the 18-year-old midfielder Mateo Kovacic. As a result, the Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is preparing a £20m triple bid, just to be awkward, because that's how he rolls.

Manchester United also fancy the Montpellier midfielder Rémy Cabella. With a crushing inevitability, Arsenal have also apparently flung their hat into the ring. They'll really have to be careful, you know, because at this rate they'll end up accidentally buying someone.

Tottenham Hotspur are interested in Shakhtar Donetsk's Fernandinho, but he says he "will play in Manchester in January". With no further information to go on, we're guessing it's a toe-to-toe scrap for the Brazil international midfielder's signature between Altrincham and Stockport County.

And showbiz rules dictate that we should go out with a bang, leaving you wanting more. But we're not in showbiz. Aston Villa are looking at the Ghana star Derek Boateng of Ukrainian side Dnipro.

Transfer windowScott Murray
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Olympiakos v Arsenal – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Arsene Wenger's side continue to misfire, as first place in Group B eludes them. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

Football transfer rumours: Harry Redknapp to move for Jermain Defoe?

Today's tattle is moving rubble about with a Tonka toy

We're only just over a month away from the re-opening of the transfer window, though it looks like being a slow burn in terms of gossip, excitement and expectation. No need to worry too much yet, Harry Redknapp's found work again, but be fair to the old dog, he's only been in the QPR job for three days and has yet to get back into the swing of things. All he can offer us today is a double swoop on his old club Spurs, for Jermain Defoe and Michael Dawson. Give him time, another week and the Rumour Mill will make War and Peace read like a half-finished haiku. But in the meantime, that does leave us a wee bit short today; to be frank we'll be doing well to raise one of your eyebrows halfway.

David Moyes says he might leave Everton next summer if there's no cash to spend in January, but then again he might not. It's almost as if he's killing time until Sir Alex Ferguson decides to do one.

Theo Walcott may be leaving Arsenal. This we've guessed because he's been left off the club's official 2013 calendar, along with Bacary Sagna. Arsenal insist they're just playing safe, having upset all the kiddies earlier this season by sending out Junior Gunners bumph adorned with pictures of Sir Ji ... Hold on ... Robin van Persie. Either way, Arsenal fans will be more concerned by who is on the 2013 calendar: Andre Santos. Happy new year, Spurs fans! Happy new year!

Arsène Wenger hopes to placate the Arsenal faithful by spending £6m on Schalke striker Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, then repeatedly sending him on as sub for Olivier Giroud. Happy new year, Spurs fans! Happy new year!

Anyway, the aforementioned Walcott is, as first reported in March 1673, a target for Liverpool, Manchester City and Chelsea, while Internazionale are in for Sagna. Liverpool are also interested in getting Daniel Sturridge over from ersatz Anfield tribute act, Chelsea, on loan and according to manager Brendan Rodgers, might even: "spend a few quid" elsewhere. To be honest, they've sort of given up. Expect their kit next season to be a red string vest and a pair of elasticated stretch pants (red, comfy).

But hang on, suddenly the musty fug of depression lifts around the Drayton Park area of London: Zenit St Petersburg will pay £2m for Andrey Arshavin.

Sir Alex Ferguson, he's on the phone to too-young-to-die defender Kurt Zouma, in an attempt to get the 18 year old to "join our club", although with Manchester United not quite the force they once were, he might have to entice him with tales of how they used to live. Nothing can stop them, not even Manchester City. We won't spell out which famous French club Zouma currently plays for, we've already insulted your intelligence enough.

Newcastle United are interested in NAC Breda's Serbian midfielder Nemanja Gudelj, 21, a rumour which thankfully doesn't lend itself to a series of naff puns and lazy references that won't even appeal to the ageing hipster demographic they were aimed at.

Finally, Fulham and West Ham United will be recreating their thoroughly unmemorable battle in the 1975 FA Cup final with a transfer tussle to match: they're after Benfica attacking midfielder Nolito, who having enjoyed some early success in Lisbon is now not doing so well. Ah.

Come on, Harry, get a wriggle on will you, for the love of God.

Harry RedknappScott Murray
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