Scott Murray's Blog, page 231

England 15-16 South Africa – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: A freakish try is the difference at Twickenham, where England go down to another Autumn International defeat. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | Mark Hughes sent skittering down South Africa Road on his backside

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HUGHES A LUCKY BOY, THEN? NOT HUGHES, FOR HE'S BEEN TOLD TO DO ONE

It's been a dreadful few months for Mark Hughes, whose stock has recently fallen faster and further than all of Roberto Di Matteo, the England cricket team and the bloke at the BBC who used to pen the fruity patter for the DJs to read out during Top of the Pops continuity in the mid-1970s put together. He's been unmasked as something of a two-bit chancer, you see, a harsh verdict perhaps, but then the Fiver isn't the one bleating about not being given a proper chance to spend the Manchester City millions, or that Fulham isn't a big enough project for their talents, and then being given tons of cash and a blank sheet of paper only to create a folly so staggeringly unfit for purpose that even the designers of Portmeirion village might have raised one or two questions about its everyday practicality.

Anyway, he's been sacked by QPR, where he'd spent the last few months purchasing several big-name stars, such as Real Madrid midfielder Esteban Granero, then deploying them randomly about the pitch with the help of a complicated selection system featuring a hat, several scraps of paper, another long strip of paper, some tacks and a big drawing of a donkey with no tail on it yet. It'd not been working that well, truth be told, to the point that Granero was openly witnessed ignoring tactical instruction during last weekend's thunderingly inept home defeat to fellow strugglers Southampton, a result that has eventually done for the hapless manager. "Mark has shown integrity and professionalism throughout his time here, but ultimately the circumstances we find ourselves in have left the board of directors with very little choice but to make a change," a club apparatchik parroted this afternoon, as Hughes was sent skittering down South Africa Road on his backside, those amply padded buttocks which helped him shield the ball so well from defenders once again coming to good use.

All this upheaval, brouhaha and emotional tumult comes on the eve of QPR's trip to Old Trafford, where home side Manchester United are almost as adept at scoring goals as the Rangers are at letting them in. Mark Bowen and Eddie Niedzwiecki will be the fall guys in charge of this particular rout, although the day might not be a total write-off for the Rs, with it looking very likely that 'Arry Redknapp will be analysing the team from the stands having agreed to become their new boss. It'll also be the first game at Old Trafford since the unveiling of a new statue of Sir Alex Ferguson, and this might get them thinking. Fergie was, after all, installed as United manager after a buffoon got sacked in the wake of a shellacking at the hands of Southampton. A wondrous omen for Redknapp, then? Probably not, actually, it's tenuous nonsense, with the 65-year-old Redknapp highly unlikely to win 27 trophies in a 26-year spell at Loftus Road. But QPR fans have had it rough of late, so let's not rule it out completely. Leave them something to cling to.

OH FERNANDES!

16 November: "Won't be happening. For the one millionth time. Hahaha. Stability" – Tony Fernandes delivers yet another tweet of confidence to Mark Hughes.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It hurts when, after Liverpool, you play in smaller clubs. I did not realise that I was in a great club. I have regrets. When I see [Fernando] Torres, [Carlos] Tevez, who are of the same generation, I say to myself '$hit!' My agent tells me: 'Torres stole your career.' I'm not jealous but I say to myself that I could have done like him" – modest Valenciennes striker Anthony Le Tallec regrets not having the opportunity to skulk around Stamford Bridge randomly shanking shots at unsuspecting Chelsea fans.

UNDERWHELMING STATUE OF THE DAY

When the Fiver heard reports today that a man in the buff had brought a major city to a standstill by straddling a statue for three hours, it had worrying thoughts about Eamonn Holmes at Lord Ferg's grand unveiling. Somewhat mercifully, that was actually in Whitehall; this is what happened in Manchester.

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FIVER LETTERS

"After the surprising news that a student was given the FC Baku manager role after demonstrating his Football Manager credentials (yesterday's Quote of the Day), how long before we see a Fiver reader getting a job as an English teacher based on their solid, if unspectacular, history of having letters published in the Fiver?" – Gareth Evans.

"May I point out that Vugar Huseynzade can't be that big a fan of Football Manager as he makes out, as it only came back into being with Football Manager 2005, following Eidos and SI coming to one of those mutual agreements that was probably more mutual on one side than the other. The seminal Championship Manager 01/02 may have been his first remembrance of the much-loved series" – Jim Hearson.

"If I were a Chelsea fan, I would be worried by the formations Benítez mentions on his blog (yesterday's Fiver): 1-4-4-2, 1-4-2-3-1, 1-4-3-3, 1-4-4-1. The fact that he uses a 1 to indicate the goalkeeping position seems to imply that this is potentially subject to change, and that there may be a time when it is appropriate to perhaps switch to a 0-4-4-3, or perhaps even a 2-4-5-0, if he really can't eke any more mileage out of Po' Nando" – Daniel Rice.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Gareth Evans.

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BITS AND BOBS

Lord Ferg almost missed the unveiling of his statue in the rush to have a sly pop at new under-pressure Chelsea boss Rafa Benítez. "[He] is very lucky because on his CV in two weeks' time he could have two [club] world championships to his name – and he has had nothing to do with the teams," purpled Ferg.

Arsenal fans will have more reason to moan when Arsène Wenger doesn't buy anyone in January after the club agreed a new £150m shirt sponsorship deal with Emirates.

Francesco Ianari and Mauro Pinnelli have been charged with attempted murder after Tottenham fan Ashley Mills suffered knife wounds to his head and leg at a pub in Rome on Wednesday.

Mark Clattenburg is back in the game and will be fourth official for Spurs v West Ham tomorrow, while reffing Southampton v Norwich next Wednesday.

And South Sudan will make their competitive debut on Saturday when they meet Ethiopia in the opening game of the East and Central African Senior Challenge Cup … albeit with just 15 players. "It's the same as taking your soldiers to war without food," funked coach Zoran Dorjdevic.

STILL WANT MORE?

An Andy Carroll goal, Rafa Benítez being warmly received at Stamford Bridge and Arsenal's defence comfortably dealing with the threat posed by Aston Villa's Christian Benteke are among 10 things we probably won't see this weekend. But Jacob Steinberg says we should still look out for them.

Roman Abramovich has an entirely different notion of a manager's significance, writes David Lacey.

You. Are. The. Ref.

And Arouna Kone tells Paul Wilson he heard "rumours and echoes" about signing for a Spanish club but destiny took him to Plucky Wigan and a Spanish boss instead.

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'LONG WEEKEND LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR'Scott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Roberto Di Matteo to Napoli? | Scott Murray

Today's tittle-tattle is wondering whether yam topped with marshmallow can legitimately be considered one of the daily five

Roberto Di Matteo is planning a return to football, and the real world, at Napoli, where he won't be expected to turn base metals into gold, oxygen into coins, or get the elixir of life flowing from the taps in the bogs. He will replace Walter Mazzarri in the summer, although the Italian club is likely to face some competition for Di Matteo's services from Chelsea, who will be looking for a new manager.

QPR are thinking about sacking Mark Hughes [indeed, have now done so – Mill subs]. Harry Redknapp is the favourite to replace him, although that side of things isn't really the point.

Speaking of Redknapp, his wheeler dealing at Tottenham is sorely missed by the Rumour Mill on quiet days such as this. André Villas-Boas is doing his best – he's still interested in Porto's João Moutinho, alongside other midfield options in Roma's Miralem Pjanic, Ajax's Christian Eriksen and CKSA Moscow's Alan Dzagoev – but it's just not the same. Villas-Boas could wedge a flat cap on to his knapper and try to vend brown goods from the back of a yellow Robin Reliant van and it still wouldn't be the same.

Manchester City are planning a £15m move for Wilfried Zaha, in order to steal a march on Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United and Tottenham. Crystal Palace plan to hold out for £20m, ensuring there will be much more of this between now and the transfer window in January. It's going to be a brutal long December, a month that's sort of started already.

Liverpool want to spend £6m on Blackpool's former Liverpool player Tom Ince. This potential triumph might be scuppered by a bid of £10m from Manchester City, and similar interest from Chelsea, Manchester United and Juventus, but Anfield's crack negotiating team are also planning a £12m raid on the Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge, and nobody seems quite as desperate to stick their oar in there.

Brad Friedel is not on his way back to Blackburn Rovers, which is news to the Mill, as we didn't even know a move to Ewood Park had been mooted in the first place. He's been offered a player-coach role, apparently, but Villas-Boas wants to keep him at Spurs as he clearly doesn't fancy Hugh Lloris. Room will be made for Friedel, who isn't coming, by offloading Paul Robinson to Fulham.

And coming full circle, there's a surprising lack of transfer gossip involving the new Chelsea coach Rafael Benítez. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. Like we say, it's going to be a long winter.

Transfer windowScott Murray
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Manchester City v Real Madrid – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: City gave it their best shot, but couldn't break down Real, who ended the game with 10 men. There goes the Champions League for another year. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | Chelsea and Punxsutawney Phil | Scott Murray

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LIKE A MONKEY WITH A MINIATURE CYMBAL

Late last night, Chelsea sacked Roberto Di Matteo. They didn't bother putting up a statement on their internet site. Instead, they relayed the news using an animated gif picturing Punxsutawney Phil scuttling out of his hole and running up a flight of stairs drawn by MC Escher and then along some horizontal stairs and then down some stairs and then back along some horizontal stairs while reading aloud the entire text of Finnegans Wake from "riverrun past Eve and Adam's" to "a way a lone a last a loved a long the" and then scuttling back into his hole and then scuttling out of his hole and running up a flight of stairs drawn by MC Escher and then along some horizontal stairs and then down some stairs and then back along some horizontal stairs while reading aloud the entire text of Finnegans Wake from "riverrun past Eve and Adam's" to "a way a lone a last a loved a long the" and then scuttling back into his hole and then scuttling out of his hole.

Anyway, it all happened very early in the morning (or very late in the evening, depending on how developed your problem-drinking is). This explains a lot. Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay and chairman Bruce Buck had been under explicit orders from Roman Abramovich to "sack the manager" after the team were spanked 3-0, or 10-0 in moral terms, by Juventus in Big Cup, a result which leaves the holders unlikely to be holding on for very much longer. But Gourlay and Buck were feeling snoozy, and still had some sleepy dust in their eyes, and instead of firing Plain Old John Terry, the yawning pair accidentally handed the P45 to club mascot Di Matteo instead. The farce was further compounded with news that the security guard required to frogmarch Di Matteo off the premises is, because of the early hour of the dismissal, technically due to be paid double time, but wants to take a day off in lieu next week instead, and Chelsea are thinking about sacking someone else then. They'll probably have to nip down the agency to get a temp to cover for him.

That's not the only knock-on effect of Abramovich's diktat, though. Chelsea are now looking for a new mascot to satisfy Abramovich and POJT, and reports suggest former Extremadura supremo Rafa Benitez is the chappie they're going to get. In many ways, that'd be a strange choice. That's partly because the fans don't want him: two La Liga titles and a Big Cup is all good and well, but he's not yet proved he can throw a lasso around the moon, yank it down to ground, and convert it to diamonds, coins and marshmallow yum-yums, so fair play to them for standing their ground over that one. But it's mainly because the impressively belligerent Benitez – who has expressed interest in the role – isn't exactly the type to sit down, shut up, and smile nicely like a good boy while doing his boss's bidding.

So if this deal does go through, sit back and wait for the kind of firework display over the Stamford Bridge boardroom that will make the immediate reaction to this appointment on Liverpool messageboards look like a damp squib. The first Catherine wheel will be lit in roughly 100 days' time, 200 tops. By which time the Chelsea website editor will be dusting off that animated gif, with a view to coaxing Punxsutawney Phil out of his hole and sending him up a flight of stairs drawn by MC Escher and then along some horizontal stairs and then down some stairs and then back along some horizontal stairs while reading aloud the entire text of Finnegans Wake from "riverrun past Eve and Adam's" to "a way a lone a last a loved a long the" and then scuttling back into his hole and then scuttling out of his hole.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Bruno is tired of being in prison. He is ready to walk out and go eat some rare barbecue" – attorney Rui Pimenta defends former Flamengo goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes, who has been charged over orchestrating the murder of his ex-girlfriend Eliza Samudio, with allegations that her remains were fed to dogs. "I believe in justice, and in the condemnation of all the accused," said Samudio's mother, Sonia Moura.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Seeing all this talk of hip-hop (Fiver passim) reminded me of this interview with the good Dr Dre in 2001. Happy days" – Neil Wyatt.

"As a record industry drone of 30 years, I am indeed heartened to hear that contributor Gary Bremner believes that mention of Grandmaster Flash (age 55, most famous track 'The Message', 30+ years old) will help the Fiver capture the youth market" – Steve Tallamy (and 1,056 others).

"May I be one of 1,057 musical anoraks to point out that your comments regarding the comparison between Ringo Starr and Fernando Torres are somewhat misplaced (yesterday's Fiver). The Beatles said that playing live without Ringo was impossible as he held the band together live, and repeatedly stated he was an essential part of the group. When he departed during the White Album sessions the band desperately wanted him back and gave him an effusive welcome when he returned. Torres, not so much. Surely a more accurate statement would be that Torres not playing for Chelsea would be like Ringo not playing with the Rolling Stones?" – Sam Fiddian (and no other musical-anorak pedants).

"Looks like Roman Abramovich has been quick to open talks with Pep Guardiola" – Tom Cullen.

"Re: yesterday's last line. Christ on a bike, was that strictly necessary? Even if it was in black and white so you can't see how orange he is, as a Derby County fan I have to lunge to turn off whenever I hear Phil Brown on the radio, so an inadequately labelled link to a half-n@ked twonk is the last thing I need" – Louise Wright.

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Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Go on, then … prizeless Fiver letter o' the day: Neil Wyatt.

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BITS AND BOBS

To save you reading certain papers tomorrow, Chelsea are planning a … wait for it … Chinese takeway to bring Didier Drogba back on loan from Shanghai Shenhua.

On-loan Maccabi Tel Aviv striker Robert Earnshaw has revealed how he fled a training session because of an attack on the city. "I used to think that Cardiff on a night out could get a bit lively. I can assure you it's a lot livelier out here right now," he said.

Bobby Zamora will miss the end of Mark Hughes's QPR tenure after being ruled out for three months with hip-knack.

Former England striker Brian Deane is the new head coach of Norwegian outfit Sarpsborg.

And Kuddly Ken Bates has announced that Bahrain-based investment bank GFH Capital will complete a 100% takeover of Nasty Leeds on 21 December. "I look forward to handing over to my successor and become president and sitting back perhaps, taking a bit more time off and enjoying what has been eight years of very hard work," he cheered.

STILL WANT MORE? (CHELSEA SPECIAL)

Pep Guardiola will keep Chelsea waiting and may not come at all, reckons Sid Lowe.

Dominic Fifield has a nagging sense of deja vu as Chelsea's door revolves again.

How Chelsea have sliced and diced their way through managers since Ian Porterfield in 1991.

Why Roman Abramovich believes Rafa Benítez is right for Chelsea in the short term, facts Sachin Nakrani.

But if you want to avoid any mention of Chelsea, how about Mr Roy and Gangnam Style? Eh? Oh.

And elsewhere: congratulations, greedy.

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HOW ABOUT THE IMAGE IN THE BOTTOM LEFT CORNER, INSTEAD?Scott Murray
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Benfica v Celtic: Champions League - as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute report: Celtic were 20 minutes from the second round, but eventual defeat means Neil Lennon's side require a result against Spartak Moscow in the final game. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | There's always one slacker who doesn't bring quite as much to the table

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OH FERNANDO!

In any organisation, group or team, there's always one slacker who doesn't bring quite as much to the table as everybody else. At the offices of the J Peterman catalogue, for example, the Sidler never lifted a finger, utilising his uncanny knack of moving around silently to offload all of his work on to poor Elaine Benes. In ersatz Buddy Holly tribute act Beatles Band, three of the members spent an entire decade penning a series of increasingly complex songs while the other just sat at the back repeatedly hitting his ride cymbal four to the floor and developing a fancy for booze. And then, perhaps most disgracefully of all, on the Guardian sports des … hold on … at Chelsea Football Club, Fernando Torres has, while his team-mates put in all the hard yards, been strolling around with a face on since joining the club in January 2011, achieving the sum total of nothing, and arguably even less.

At least Ringo swung like a mother on those early singles, got to trill the lead vocal on Yellow Submarine, and developed a fancy for booze. Torres, by comparison, will have even fewer personal achievements to look back on in his dotage than Pete Best. Because that 2012 haul of FA Cup, Big Cup and European Championship medals is fooling nobody, least of all – one suspects – if the pained look permanently plastered across his coupon is anything to go by, the player himself. And you have to admit it doesn't look like it's getting better any time soon for Po' Nando. Tonight his stock will crash to a new low, as reports suggest he's going to be dropped for Chelsea's visit to Juventus in favour of Eden Hazard. A £50m striker not trusted to do the business in a crucial Big Cup game: as Ringo once harmonised, it can't get no worse. It could, of course; they could have really added insult to injury by replacing him with Daniel Sturridge instead. But the general point stands.

This is all in many ways immaterial, for the real big game tonight is being played elsewhere. Not in Istanbul, where a Manchester United representative XI are f@nnying around against Galatasaray, but in Lisbon, where the Queen's Celtic once won Big Cup back in the days when the competition wasn't just about money. (Ask your parents, pop kids.) Neil Lennon's side are coming off the back of that win against Barcelona, the Best Side Over The Brow Of The Hill In The World, and can reach the second round with victory. Much may depend on which Victor Wanyama turns up – the brilliant but understandably inconsistent young man who has occasionally looked like a less-mobile wardrobe in the SPL, or the all-conquering version invented by English journalists who clapped eyes on him for the first time during the highlights programme after the win over Barca – and whether captain Scott Brown passes a fitness test. Lennon will no doubt be evoking the memory of the Lisbon Lions before sending his team out tonight, having noted that "1967 is a pivotal day in our history". As Ringo and his hard-working pals would no doubt attest, the Summer of Love really did pass by everyone in a flash.

• Follow Juventus 2-1 Chelsea, Galatasaray 2-3 Manchester United and Benfica 1-0 Queen's Celtic with our MBM reports from 7.30pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We're putting forward an offer, it's compelling and the opportunity is here for him to come here" – flamin' Melbourne Heart suit Scott Munn pr1cks up his ears upon hearing David Beckham's decision to quit Major League Soccerball outfit LA Galaxy.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Seems Big-boned Ronaldo met the Irish on Chatroulette the other night" – Iano Horgan.

"Your movement from a story about Snoop Dogg's interest in the Queen's Celtic into a quote beginning 'he was dropping like a hot potato' (yesterday's Fiver) was quite delicious, given that Mister Dogg's back catalogue includes the 2004 hit single 'Drop it Like it's Hot'. It shows such an excellent grasp of musical knowledge and editorial whimsy that I can only assume it was entirely accidental" – Philip Smith.

"I've noticed that over recent weeks there has been a good deal of hip-hop stars gracing the Fiver with Grandmaster Flash, Beastie Boys and last night Snoop Doggedy Dogg. Is this an inspired editorial ruse to capture the youth market and distance itself from the sad lonely Soulmates market? It won't work you know" – Gary Brenner.

"Grand to see that the quality of email submissions has plummeted back to the depths of last month, now you're not giving away copies of Football Manager" – Nik Johnson.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

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BITS AND BOBS

The Ukrainian Football Federation has revealed a maverick plan to bring in – and you'll like this – 'Arry Redknapp as national manager. "The president took the decision to begin talks with Redknapp's representatives," honked a statement.

Stewart Downing is interested in a loan back to Middlesbrough. As are Liverpool fans.

Meanwhile, Anfield team-mate Raheem Sterling has been questioned by police after an alleged assault on a woman in Toxteth.

Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini has warned Mario Balotelli that he must work harder if he wants to become one of the world's top players. "Now he is 22 but life can go quickly and I hope he can improve everything because as a player he could be like Cristiano and Messi," parped Mancini.

Queen's Celtic boss Neil Lennon admits he wouldn't mind if the Snoop D-O-Double-G flashed some cash in the club's direction. "It would be interesting. As long as I got invited to one of his parties, it would be OK," hollered Lennon.

And France coach Raymond Domenech has finally got over Les Bleus' shambling 2010 World Cup. Oh, that's right, he hasn't. "I couldn't give a damn about this bunch of imbeciles," he writes in new book, Tout Seul. "I don't like them any more. I've had enough of their tantrums."

STILL WANT MORE?

Lord Ferg's Old Trafford statue gets an early unveiling courtesy of The Gallery.

Expect one more (lucrative) venture into the unknown from David Beckham, writes Richard Williams.

Like goals? Like Romania? Like goals from Romania scored with the outside of the boot? Then there's something for, er, some of you here.

And Barney Ronay got chatty via the medium of the live interweb earlier on. Here's what went down.

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLYScott Murray
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Norwich City v Manchester United – as it happened | Scott Murray

Minute-by-minute: Anthony Pilkington scored the only goal of the game as United surrendered leadership of the division. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

England v Australia – as it happened | Scott Murray

Australia bounced back superbly from defeat in Paris to win at Twickenham. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Joy of Six: nutmegs | Sean Ingle, Jacob Steinberg, Scott Murray

Johann Cruyff, the entire nation of Scotland, and Stalin's chief of Soviet security all play the role of victim

1) George Best on Johann Cruyff, Holland 2-2 Northern Ireland, World Cup qualifying, 1976

Footballer. Genius. Playboy. Lover. George Best was called many things in his colourful career, but linguistic pioneer wasn't one of them. However according to the Oxford English Dictionary, the first documented reference of the word nutmeg in a football context is from, of all things, Michael Parkinson's biography of Best from 1975. "I love taking the piss out of players too," explains Best to Parky. "Like 'nutmegging them'. That's sticking it between their legs and running round them."

Of course the word itself was around before that, and Peter Seddon's book Football Talk, the Language And Folklore Of The World's Greatest Game, makes a reasonable case that it comes from duplicitous practice in the nutmeg trade. Indeed the OED lists the verb as "arising in the 1870s which in Victorian slang came to mean 'to be tricked or deceived, especially in a manner which makes the victim look foolish".

A year later that's exactly what Best did to perhaps the best player in the world at the time, Johann Cruyff. As Bill Elliot, from this parish, remembered in 2005:

"In 1976, Northern Ireland were drawn against Holland in Rotterdam as one of their group qualifying matches for the World Cup," wrote Bill. "As it happened I sat beside George on the way to the stadium that evening. Holland - midway between successive World Cup final appearances - and Cruyff were at their peak at the time. George wasn't. I asked him what he thought of the acknowledged world No1 and he said he thought the Dutchman was outstanding. 'Better than you?' I asked. George looked at me and laughed. 'You're kidding aren't you? I tell you what I'll do tonight... I'll nutmeg Cruyff first chance I get.' And we both laughed at the thought.

"... Five minutes into the game he received the ball wide on the left. Instead of heading towards goal he turned directly infield, weaved his way past at least three Dutchmen and found his way to Cruyff who was wide right. He took the ball to his opponent, dipped a shoulder twice and slipped it between Cruyff's feet. As he ran round to collect it and run on he raised his right fist into the air.

"Only a few of us in the press box knew what this bravado act really meant. Johan Cruyff the best in the world? Are you kidding? Only an idiot would have thought that on this evening."

Unfortunately the camera wasn't always around to record a cheeky Best move, on or off the field. And this, sadly, was another exception. Sean Ingle

2) Claudio López on Edwin van der Sar, Holland 2-1 Argentina, World Cup quarter-final, 1998

Dennis Bergkamp once said that the easiest way to beat a goalkeeper was to scoop the ball over him, on the basis there was more space above him than to the side. It was the easiest way for Dennis Bergkamp anyway. Lesser strikers do not necessarily have the requisite skill to chip the keeper, let alone the imagination. Bergkamp's argument certainly makes sense, but it is not an absolute. There are other ways and while it is not as eye-catching as the chip, a forward who has the wherewithal to score with a nutmeg deserves just as much credit for his finishing prowess. After all, goalkeepers are told to make themselves bigger and spread themselves in one-on-ones. More often than not, it works. But sometimes the coaching manual betrays them.

Take Peter Schmeichel. He was a master at intimidating forwards when they were through on goal, spreading himself like a peacock showing off its feathers. When Manchester United beat Newcastle March 1996, Schmeichel's heroics helped them survive an early onslaught, the Dane twice denying Les Ferdinand. On the first occasion, he smothered as Ferdinand went through and then stuck out a giant left hand when the striker tried to beat him at his near post; if Ferdinand could have his time again, he might well say he should have tried a nutmeg.

After all, what was good enough for Romario 18 months earlier would have been good enough for Ferdinand. United were leading Barcelona 1-0 in a Champions League group match in 1994 when Romario was sent clear of the home defence. Schmeichel came flying out in his trademark intimidatory pose, arms outstretched and his legs wide, but he was up against a wilier opponent than usual. Without taking a touch Romario, who had scored five goals for Brazil at that summer's World Cup, whipped a sharp shot through Schmeichel's legs to equalise.

Romario's was a supreme finish. Others can look more mundane, a case of mere hit-and-hope. Certainly there appears to be little special about the way Lionel Messi scored his fourth goal against Arsenal two years ago, a firm effort drilled through Manuel Almunia's legs. But it happens too often for it to be a coincidence. He did it against Atlético Madrid last season, beating Thibaut Courtois to complete his hat-trick.

Of course, it is not only goalkeepers who are susceptible to this sort of humilation; defenders are as well. Earlier in that match, Messi got his second goal when he fired through a defender's legs, giving an unsighted Courtois no chance to react in time. It's a sneaky, underhand way to score but defenders, used and abused by strikers, fall for it time and time again, such as when Stephane Henchoz allowed Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to guide the ball through his legs and into the far corner in March 2000.

But it's mostly goalkeepers. As Rob Smyth wrote in this Joy of Six on one-on-ones, "It is not enough to score a goal; they must humiliate the goalkeeper too. In essence, it's a masculinity-waving contest," and arguably no one has stuck two fingers up to the goalkeepers' union more contemptuously than Claudio López in a World Cup quarter-final between Holland and Argentina in 1998. This was one of the most gloriously dismissive finishes of all time.

At first, after being sent through by Juan Sebastian Veron, it seems that López didn't know what to do, producing an array of feints and stepovers in a bid to throw Edwin van der Sar off the scent. It could have backfired spectacularly if Van der Sar had just stood his ground, but this was a battle of nerve, a test of wits, and Lopez came out on top.

Finally Van der Sar cracked and fell to the floor, which was precisely what López wanted. Van der Sar was totally at his mercy, but the indignity didn't end there. López could have chipped him or rounded him. Nah. Too much effort. Instead, as Van der Sar's face turned the same colour as Holland's shirts, Lopez casually nutmegged him. Sadly for López, his moment of impudent glory was ultimately upstaged by Bergkamp. But Van der Sar probably hasn't forgotten. Jacob Steinberg

3. Juan Román Riquelme *

Across most of the rest of the world, a nutmeg is a panna. Which leads us nicely into this creamy, dreamy, move from Juan Román Riquelme. Look at it! Look! A 360-la-roulette spin followed by a backheeled nutmeg! If was from a PlayStation game people slate it for being unrealistic. No wonder an embarrassed defender soon sent Riquelme tumbling.

The German writer Ronald Reng talked of Riquelme as "the most curious footballer in the world – his movements are the embodiment of slowness, but hardly anyone can get the ball away from him because he thinks faster than most – played with the upright back and raised head of a midfield majesty, right at the centre of things." Not on this occasion. This was young Riquelme, fast of foot as well as thought, painting pictures none of us had ever seen before. Sean Ingle

* Unfortunately we don't know which player or team this was against, nor when it was. Feel free to let us know below the line

4) Patrick Kluivert on David Seaman, England 4-1 Holland, Euro 96 group stage

Scotland took 32 years to reach their first finals at the European Nations Cup, and when they got there, they must have wondered whether it was worth the wait. They were drawn, as was their way at major tournaments during the 1980s and 1990s, in a group of death. This one was particularly fatal: the reigning world champions Germany, the reigning European champions Holland, and the ever-dangerous Soviets, now - for one championship only!!! - rebranded as the CIS.

Andy Roxburgh's side had no luck whatsoever. The Dutch were fully expected to ride roughshod over Scotland - their team contained some of the all-time talents in Ruud Gullit, Marco van Basten, Ronald Koeman, Frank Rijkaard and Dennis Bergkamp - but they took 77 minutes to score the only goal in a victory over opponents who were, according to this rag, "admirably composed and disciplined". The Germans were up next, and were thrashed by minus two goals to nil. A superhuman Bodo Illgner denied 12 Scottish chances - the corner count was 14-2 in favour of the Scots - while Stefan Effenberg fluked a Konchesky of a cross to hammer the Caledonian coffin closed. A subsequent 3-0 walloping of the much-fancied CIS only served to heighten the unjust pain of it all.

The Euros owed Scotland some karmic payback four years later, but Lady Luck kept her chequebook in her purse and had deliberately left her guarantee card at home. As they did at Euro 92, Scotland erected a brick wall against the Dutch, but this time it stood firm. Hosts England were the second test, and a draw was the least Scotland deserved for a superlative second-half showing. But there's no accounting for a ball that eerily moves before a penalty's taken - pity poor Gary McAllister - or for the supernatural brilliance of Paul Gascoigne, who ghosted past the sheet-white Colin Hendry for that goal. Scotland's final 1-0 win over Switzerland was academic, but only just. England somehow opened the door for Scotland with a four-goal blitz against Holland, arguably their best performance at Wembley in their entire history. Worlds colliding, it would have given their auld enemy passage into the second round of a major tournament for the first time ever. The walloping slice of luck the European Championships owed the Scots.

And then, with 12 minutes to go, Patrick Kluivert latched on to Bergkamp's gorgeous layoff and slid a slow-motion poke through David Seaman's legs. It meant little to England - and at the time, little to the Dutch fans as well. But it would mean everything to the Scots. "The orange masses managed only a murmur of approval," noted David Lacey in this paper. "Not until the result from Villa Park was confirmed [Scotland's insubstantial victory over the Swiss, ensuring the Dutch pipped them on goal difference] did they manage a cheer."

So Scotland's wait for a place in the second stage of a major finals went on: 66 years then, 82 now. Painful, but perhaps a blessing in disguise. The best explanation as to why was given by the magnificent former Guardian and Observer writer Patrick Barclay, who hit the nail squarely on the head in an edition of the late-90s football anthology Perfect Pitch: "That they would owe it to England was unthinkable ... I did not care to be patronised for the rest of my life. There was a taste of what might have been when, at a party in London that night, well-meaning fields broke off from singing about the damned lions on their sodding shirts to tell me they were sorry Scotland had gone out. I said it was all right. Honestly." Scott Murray

5) John O'Shea on Luis Figo, Manchester United 4-3 Real Madrid, Champions League quarter-final, 2003

No, we haven't made a mistake. No, the names aren't the wrong way round. Yes, John O'Shea did once nutmeg Luis Figo. Yes, it's probably for the best if you have a quick lie down now.

What makes this effort so glorious is how absurd it seems now. The nutmeg is supposed to be the ultimate expression of superiority, an unanswerable putdown, a private members' club closed to lumbering defenders. Figo is supposed to nutmeg O'Shea. The nutmegger is not supposed to be the nutmeggee. Ballon d'Or winners who cost Real Madrid £37m are supposed to be immune to this sort of thing.

It is not that it should never happen, it's just that there's a time and a place. I still remember the glee on Match of the Day when Gianfranco Zola was nutmegged by Juninho during a match between Middlesbrough and Chelsea in 1999, but that's because nutmegger-on-nutmegger action – like Roger Federer beating Novak Djokovic with a 'tweener – is to be expected now and again. Anything else just disrupts the natural order of things.

Just by tapping the ball through his legs, O'Shea momentarily stripped Figo of his aura and brought him back down to earth. Not necessarily down to his level, though, because at the time a young O'Shea was developing a reputation – albeit one that wouldn't last long – as an exciting attacking full-back for Manchester United. So at least Figo had an excuse. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of another Portuguese winger, Cristiano Ronaldo, brilliantly nutmegged by journeyman full-back Scott Hiley in an FA Cup tie between Exeter City and United in 2005. Some people just don't know their place. Jacob Steinberg

6) Nikolai Starostin on Laventry Beria

We finish with a nutmeg that may not actually have happened, but like the tale of the fellow who popped a cap in Liberty Valance, the legend has become fact, so we're printing the legend.

In a lower-league match in Georgia during the 1920s, a talented young player called Nikolai Starostin ran rings around his opponent, delivering the final humiliation by slipping the ball between his legs and racing off cackling in glee. All good knockabout fun, except the klutz Starostin had bested would grow up to be a very dangerous man indeed: Lavrenty Beria, chief of Soviet security under Joseph Stalin.

Starostin would also move on up: along with his three brothers, he became involved with the left-wing footballing arm of the Moscow Sport Circle and the food-workers' union, eventually renaming the outfit Spartak Moscow. Starostin's Spartak became the club of the people, and developed a local rivalry with Dinamo Moscow who were - and here it begins - run and supported by Beria's secret police.

Spartak were successful from the get-go, winning both Russian league and cup within two years of their rebranding, but their success fuelled Beria's jealously. And when, in 1939, Spartak again won the title, then defeated Beria's personal favourites Dinamo Tbilisi in the cup final, Starostin's story was being mapped out independently of his own personal actions and wishes.

On 20 March 1942, Starostin awoke to find a goon pressing a pistol against his noggin, and was frogmarched to the Lubyanka, aka Beria HQ, where he was accused of trying to whack Stalin. The evidence was flimsy in the extreme. Beria had provided the interrogators with a photo of Starostin and his Spartak side within a few metres of the Soviet supremo while playing an exhibition match in Moscow's Red Square in 1936. Dinamo Moscow had also been due to compete that day, but pulled out for fear of splatting Stalin in his moustachioed coupon with the ball. Spartak played against their own reserve team instead, and much to Beria's annoyance, put on quite a show for the cheery despot.

But the evidence, preposterous as it was, put Starostin in the jug. He - and his brothers - were sent to Siberia for a ten-year stretch. But the guards were kind to Starostin. "Beria was not dealing with just four men," he later recalled in his autobiography, "but the hopes of millions of ordinary Soviet people. People saw us embodying Spartak."

Once Stalin carked it, Starostin was released and returned to Russia a national hero. He spent time as USSR coach, then later rejoined Spartak as their president until 1992. Beria, on the other hand, was tried for war crimes and shot dead. Scott Murray

Jacob SteinbergSean IngleScott Murray
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