Scott Murray's Blog, page 225

Football transfer rumours: Cesc Fábregas to head to Manchester?

Today's gossip is of the opinion whoever designed the new Scrabble on Facebook makes the guy behind the Everton badge look like Saul Bass

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Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign Martin Skrtel from Liverpool?

Today's gossip now hears hammering and sawing 24/7, even when there's no hammer and there's no saw

With Roberto Martínez on his way to cross-platform digital branding pioneers Everton, Wigan Athletic are after a new manager. A few years ago, the usual managerial merry-go-round suspects would be rounded up: David O'Leary, Stuart Pearce, Peter Reid, Bryan Robson. But clubs these days have seen sense, and are thinking outside the box. Hence Wigan's interest in René Meulensteen, freshly cashiered into the big wide world by Manchester United. Should the former Old Trafford head coach turn down the opportunity, Wigan will turn to Owen Coyle, Paul Jewell or Stuart P … actually they're falling into the same old trap, aren't they?

Steve Bruce is another man whose name kept getting dredged up by jaded hacks looking to file their stories in time to grab a can of gin for the last train home. But he's got a job now, and while that didn't necessarily stop him in the past, his wanderin' days are over. Looking to establish Hull City as a Premier League force, or at least keep the Tigers in it, Bruce is desirous of offering Shay Given a contract. If that plan doesn't come to fruition, he'll be going after David Stockdale of Fulham or Leicester's Kasper Schmeichel.

Hull are also interested in trigger-finger SatNav operator Peter Odemwingie, who is currently metal to the floor on the M6 with a view to joining the M42 for 15 miles before turning off onto the A42, M1, M18 and M62, where he'll pick up signs for the East Riding. But Crystal Palace too have made enquiries about the wantaway West Bromwich Albion striker, who has just performed a handbrake turn across the central reservation, his plan being to leave the southbound M6 at junction 7 and follow the M1 signs for London.

Odemwingie had better get a wriggle on, because Palace also fancy Real Madrid striker Javier Acuña. Blackpool's Tom Ince is also on Ian Holloway's radar, as is David 'Richard III' Bentley, who is just lying there, waiting to be rediscovered. Tottenham, it says here. No, us neither.

Arsenal will look to shore things up at the back by signing Martin Skrtel from Liverpool, who are looking to shore things up at the back by selling Martin Skrtel to Arsenal. There's even more bad news for Gunners fans who dislike witnessing balls whistle into their own net: André Santos is coming back.

And finally: Manchester City and Real Madrid will do battle for Sevilla winger Jesús Navas, West Ham want Bordeaux defender Ludovic Sané, and Stoke City are going to give Mark Hughes another chance. Peter Reid and Bryan Robson are available, you know, it doesn't have to come to this.

Transfer windowScott Murray
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The Fiver | Dave Whelan's plans for an eight-week residency on Sky Sports News

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DAVE WHELAN'S JAZZ ODYSSEY

The Fiver is a slow-witted soul, a common-or-garden simpleton, a dim buffoon for whom successfully completed tasks are usually nothing more than a pipe dream. It is with no little level of surprise, then, that today the Fiver is able to announce the success of its long-running STOP FOOTBALL campaign! Because in the wake of yesterday's play-off final, the last competitive match of the domestic season, football would appear to have now STOPPED. Time, then, for an eardrum-perforating solo on our own trumpet modulating from the key of G to E flat minor 7 while Granny Fiver, providing backing on jazz guitar, moves through D flat major 9th, E flat, E, G minor 7th, E flat dominant seventh suspended fourth, B dominant seventh flat fifth sharp ninth and B flat 11 before resolving the riff on D flat major 7th sharp 11th. Well done us! Well done! Nice! A roaring success, and you can mention England's upcoming friendlies with the Republic O'Ireland and Brazil all you like, because we're not going to let anything or anyone bring us down from this high.

So with football having STOPPED, everyone's off to the beach, where they'll join Michael Laudrup, who has been there since 25 February. He's got absolutely no intention of leaving his lounger for another couple of months, either, but when he does finally deign to start doing some effing work again, it appears he'll still do it for Swansea City. That's because the in-demand Dane's agent has announced that Laudrup will ignore "offers from elsewhere" because "just now" he is "very happy at Swansea". This agent chappie then added that "Michael promised to the players and the fans he wants to stay", a sentiment which will no doubt warm the c0ckles, though similar heat-giving benefits were conspicuously lacking in the bit which said "other teams can wait one or two years, we know Michael is going to train the big teams, but this is not the moment".

But was Laudrup's gracious announcement-by-proxy in fact a textbook example of saving face? For while the Swans boss had long been rumoured to be on his way to Everton, it now seems the cutting-edge Merseyside design agency only ever had eyes for Roberto Martínez, who is doing one as manager of Wigan Athletic with a view to moving to Goodison. "Everton rang me and I said they have permission to talk to him," explained Wigan chairman Dave Whelan today. "He feels he's not the man to lead us back into the Premier League, and I've got to accept that."

With Wigan now looking for a new manager, Whelan is currently making plans for an eight-week residency on Sky Sports News, where he will discuss his (and everybody else's) business in a marathon non-stop phone interview lasting over 1,300 hours. It's an odyssey of the purest jazz, one which puts Granny Fiver's basic riffage to shame, and enough to make the Fiver wish football would stop stopping, and start up again as quickly as possible.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'll haunt them like a spectre from the touchline" – Jimmy Davies, the longest-serving manager in English football, who retires as Waterloo Dock boss tonight after 50 years, plans to do a Lord Ferg next season.

FIVER LETTERS

"Crikey! Why is Big Website's flamin' Australian edition referring to football as 'soccer'? I am starting the campaign to STOP SOCCER" – Geoffrey Clifton [campaign won – Lutz has caved – Fiver Ed].

"I had thought that your 'STOP FOOTBALL' campaign was running out of steam, but no: Everton have really kicked on with a couple of corporate zingers on their new crest design. Responding to why key elements have been left off from the original 1938 design they said that the old design 'has also proved complex to replicate accurately on a number of retail ranges and other materials, resulting in a myriad of different colours and designs'. Not enough to Stop Football? Well, re-read this reason for the re-design three times, and if you still don't think football has stopped you are the figurative Japanese soldier still fighting the war: 'Its simplified nature means it can be reproduced more effectively in the digital and retail arenas.' I think we have won" – Paul White.

"Two teams in Big Cup final and still they're not happy. Is there no pleasing those in Germany?" – Steven.

• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Paul White.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Ian Holloway will scratch his brass neck and then ask David Moyes if he can have Wilfried Zaha, who cost Manchester United £15m in January, back on loan at newly-promoted Crystal Palace again next season.

Nice Roy Hodgson has told England fans to be show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the Republic O'Ireland in tomorrow's meaningless friendly at Wembley.

Juventus's Paul Pogba has denied ever disrespecting Lord Ferg in his time at Manchester United because, erm, he only ever disrespected him in person. "If anything it is the opposite, because I said things to his face," reasoned Pogba.

And Ruud Gullit has offered José Mourinho some very Ruud Gullit-like advice on how not to get fired at Chelsea. "If you can win and play sexy football, that's a very nice combination. That is what Abramovich wants," purred Ruud, whose liberal brand of sexy football earned him the sack at both Chelsea and Newcastle in the space of just one year.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Most definitely unbranded brick-by-brick video highlights of the Big Cup final.

STILL WANT MORE?

The hardest-working fussball hack of the last two weeks, Raf Honigstein, sits in for AC Jimbo in the final European newspapers review video this season.

Inverted wingers? Fake nines? Pah. They're so last year, says floating football brain in a tank Jonathan Wilson, kind of, in his review of the season's tactical trends.

Paul Doyle explains how the mavericks of Monaco have splurged £100m on transfers, despite the threat of being banned from Ligue 1.

Vote! Vote! Vote! It's our Big Cup polls of the season.

And Jamie Jackson mulls over the backroom cull at Old Trafford – and the Phil Neville-led influx from Everton.

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DID THEY REALLY NEED PIT STOPS?Scott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Marouane Fellaini to Chelsea?

Today's gossip hears drilling but is not sure anybody is using the drill

With the play-off final and the Scottish Cup out of the way, that's the season over, then. Now, with the transfer window about to swing open, it's time for the Rumour Mill to take centre stage! Unfortunately, with it being a bank holiday on Monday and half of Fleet Street off on their jollies, we haven't got much of an act yet. What follows, then, is the equivalent of a ventriloquist who hasn't even mastered gottle of geer.

José Mourinho is going to bring his assistant Rui Faria with him to Chelsea. Exactly when fans were meant to start feigning interest in backroom appointments we're not sure, but this is the joyless nature of modern football for you. They'll be asking us to pour over accounts and crunch passing stats next.

Having been turned down by Manchester United despite all that shameless bowing and scraping, Mourinho will of course have the heat on next season, a man possessed, hell-bent on payback. His first step will be to beat the champions to Marouane Fellaini, then instruct his players to hoick long balls upfield for the big guy to chest down, as the denizens of Stamford Bridge slowly begin to wonder whether they were a bit hasty in their dealings with Po' Rafa.

Chelsea are also interested in the Vitesse Arnhem midfielder Marco van Ginkel. As are Manchester United and Norwich City, the unexpected mention of the latter, smaller club suggesting that's where he's actually going.

The Crystal Palace manager Ian Holloway will attempt to persuade Manchester United to let him have another go with Wilfried Zaha, who looks the real deal, next year. He might, however, have to make do with handing an extension to Kevin Phillips, who will be changing his name by deed poll to Kevin Phillips, 40 in July.

Tottenham Hotspur are in for a player who is only nine years younger than Phillips. They want David Villa, 31, to line up alongside either Leandro Damião of Internacional, Valencia's Roberto Soldado, or Juventus striker Mirko Vucinic.

Does anybody remember Shay Given? The Aston Villa keeper, now with little more cultural cachet than a packet of Spangles, space hoppers, or the minor-key version of the Bullseye theme tune, wants to leave the club. If only to remind everyone that he's still there. Following him down the M6, bouncing along on the bones of their arses, will be Darren Bent, Stephen Ireland, Charles N'Zogbia and Andi Weimann. Only the latter actually has somewhere to go: he's a target for Newcastle United, Sunderland and Norwich City. Coming in to fill the space at Villa Park are the Ipswich full-back Aaron Cresswell and the Crewe midfielder Luke Murphy.

(We did that entire rumour while drinking a glass of water.)

If it's the summer, Arsène Wenger must be refusing to get his wallet out. This time it's a move for the Fiorentina striker Stevan Jovetic that's stalling, with Arsenal refusing to cough up £25m. Was the Champions League chase really worth all that effort, you may well ask.

The expected Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini wants his playmaker at Málaga, Isco. Problem is, Real Madrid want the 21-year-old too, and what Real Madrid want, Real Madrid get, unless it's the European Cup or universal respect.

Queens Park Rangers are interested in Tottenham's young defender Adam Smith, a player one fervently hopes is economical with the ball.

Swansea City are desirous of hawking Ashley Williams to either Arsenal or Liverpool. Both clubs are preparing £8m bids, but in order to open negotiations they'll have to wait for Michael Laudrup to return from the beach, where he's been since February. He might be back next month, but maybe not, it's nice on the beach.

And that's your lot, ladies and gentlemen. Tell the truth, it wasn't up to much, but at least you couldn't see our lips move. Anyway, time to get back in the box. I'm not going back in the box. Get back in the box! I'm not getting back in the box! Get back in the box! No, it's dark, I'm not going back in there.

Scott Murray
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The Fiver | Hipster-annoying hoofball tactics | Scott Murray

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PULIS ACADEMY: CITY UNDER SIEGE

When Tony Pulis arrived at Stoke City back in 2006, the club hadn't been in the top division for 22 years, and the team had long been used to doing stuff like shipping eight goals at home to Liverpool. Fast forward seven years, and the Potters have just completed five seasons in the Premier League on the bounce, their side now capable of giving former bullies like Liverpool a good old hearty slap, three goals to one, right across their affronted chops. Well done, Tones! That, ladies and gentlemen, is progress!

But not all trends under Pulis have been as healthy. Reaching a first FA Cup final in 148 years of trying was all good and well at the time, but we've got a modern world going on over here now, and Pulis's shower have since spent a whopping 24 months and counting without once making it back to English football's big showpiece. Way to jettison momentum, loser! And if that's not outrageous, unacceptable, despicable and disgraceful enough, consider this: Stoke had 37 years' head start on Barcelona, yet have they won any European Cups? The indolent clowns haven't even done any tiki taka! Understandably, then, Pulis was last night sent skittering down the A50 on the bones of his jeggings, his trademark baseball cap sent whistling after him with a cry of "… and don't forget *that*."

Pulis, of course, has famously never been relegated as a manager, which is easy to boast if you're Alex Ferguson or Pep Guardiola and in charge of a European behemoth, but a damn sight more impressive if your CV consists of Bournemouth, Gillingham, Bristol City, Portsmouth, Plymouth Argyle and that ungrateful lot. But innocent survival is no longer good enough if you employ basic hipster-annoying hoofball tactics – which admittedly doesn't sound too bad now we put it like that. So in an act of hubristic madness in no way destined to come back and give Stoke a huge boot in both glazed pots, club apparatchiks have briefed journalists to explain that they're hoping to take City in "a new direction".

Given their departed boss comes with a cast-iron guarantee to keep small clubs up, it's a joke that writes itself, is that. So the Fiver won't bother. Rafael Benítez, famous for producing pragmatic teams but with an added dash of élan, has been installed as the bookies' favourite to replace Pulis, and take Stoke on their inexorable journey to the Fifa World Club Cup. And yet, is he the right man? After all, if he's not good enough for reigning European and Europa champions Chelsea, why should he be good enough for Stoke? Who won the 1972 League Cup anyway?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We are really happy that Fifa recognises it's warm in the summer in Qatar. This is a great, great finding … I'm not sure of the credibility of Fifa" – Bundesliga chief suit Christian Seifert sticks Das Boot in to Fifa for choosing Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup and belatedly stating that the summer heat would be an issue.

FIVER LETTERS

"Many macroeconomists have been concerned about the productivity puzzle in the UK, with employment rising but output flatlining over the past two years. Some have attributed this to the rise of part-time work and self-employment. However, I suspect it is actually that we have people at work coming up with things like this" – Noble Francis.

"Re: Wembley not allowing Borussia Dortmund's mosaic banner in for Big Cup final this weekend (yesterday's Fiver letters). If the fans want to create atmosphere they should call Gus Poyet – he has a load of unwanted cardboard clappers that have only been used once" – Alistair Drummond.

"Fantastic presentation from Jonathan Wilson on the age of super clubs in Europe (yesterday's Still Want More?). Next time can we have some pivot tables please, and graphs all embedded in a PowerPoint presentation?" – Tony Clewes.

• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Noble Francis.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Borussia Dortmund/Bayern Munich midfielder Mario Götze has diplomatically been ruled out of Big Cup final by knack.

West Ham have agreed a £15m fee with Liverpool for Andy Carroll, but are struggling to convince him to join. One possibly in, one out, as Carlton Cole is set to do one (hello, Carlton). "Carlton Cole/CFC as I have been called has left the building #UNDERCHUFFED," he tweeted, as you do.

Next Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini has confirmed he'll leave Málaga in the summer. "My coaching staff and I are separating from Málaga but our union with this city will be eternal," he parped.

Meanwhile, having tied up a deal for a new MLS franchise, the MC Yankees have appointed Claudio Reyna as director of football.

And Phil Neville fancies a slice of the vacant Everton manager's job. "We have to go back towards more English coaches," he lobbied.

STILL WANT MORE?

With growing discord at Sunderland and within the Conservative party, perhaps a Trading Places-style job swap would be in order for Paolo Di Canio, suggests Marina Hyde.

David Lacey kicks off our six-part series of the great European Cup teams, with Real Madrid 1955-60, while Jonathan Wilson snubs the pivot tables to remember Ajax 1971-73.

Tin-hat time as we revisit Big Website's Premier League pre-season predictions …

And Paul Lambert tells David Hytner what it was like winning Big Cup and becoming a Borussia Dortmund legend.

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MICK McMANUS RIPScott Murray
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Premier League 2012-13 review: Our writers' best and worst moments

Brilliant goals, best-forgotten predictions and matches that prompted dramatic late rewrites

Best player

Paul Doyle Luis Suárez. His dazzling turns, incessant mischief-making and much-improved finishing made him a joy to watch.

Dominic Fifield Juan Mata. Of those I watched regularly, he was the most consistently excellent, with his astonishing tally of 12 assists and 12 league goals testament to his impact at Chelsea throughout another tumultuous campaign.

Owen Gibson Hard to see beyond Gareth Bale. Not since Cristiano Ronaldo was in his pomp at Manchester United has a player demonstrated such an ability to seize a game and shape it.

Barry Glendenning A stunningly original choice here: Tottenham game-changer Gareth Bale.

Andy Hunter Robin van Persie. Signed to wrestle the title back from the wealthiest team (though not much of a team) on the planet and delivered under that pressure by February.

David Hytner Dimitar Berbatov. The best player to watch and the best player to write about.

Jamie Jackson Gareth Bale. The Welsh flyer has become the Premier League's successor to Cristiano Ronaldo as the man who consistently scores and performs superbly.

Stuart James Gareth Bale. Just gets better and better. Almost single-handedly carried the Tottenham team and deserves to be playing Champions League football next season.

Scott Murray A toss-up between Christian Benteke and Adam Le Fondre. Hats off to your Van Persies, Bales and Suárezes (Suari?) but there's something infinitely more romantic about those calmly pelting them in while all around is panic.

Sachin Nakrani Dimitar Berbatov. A left-field choice but then Berba is a left-field player. Languid, highly-skilled, hilariously ratty and the only man who would dare wear a "Keep calm and pass me the ball" T-shirt. Oh and he got 15 goals in his debut season with Fulham, which ain't bad.

James Riach Gareth Bale repeatedly scored stunning, match-winning goals and spearheaded Tottenham to their biggest ever Premier League points total.

Barney Ronay Michael Carrick. Often did the job of two men in midfield for the champions. The Roy Keane of the elegant interception.

Jacob Steinberg It feels utterly ridiculous not to be picking Robin van Persie. But that's Gareth Bale – utterly ridiculous. The quality of his goals and performances for Tottenham have been staggering.

Daniel Taylor Gareth Bale, with an honorary mention for Michu (clearly not playing for a big enough club to get many PFA votes) and Robin van Persie.

Louise Taylor Philippe Coutinho. Arsenal's Santi Cazorla has been lovely to watch but Coutinho is the midfielder capable of making Liverpool great again.

Paul Wilson Luis Suárez. More watchable and audacious than Robin van Persie or Gareth Bale, if also more annoying and apparently more hungry.

WINNER Gareth Bale.

Best manager

Paul Doyle Michael Laudrup. Took a successful Swansea side and made them even better through smart signings and more effective attacking.

Dominic Fifield David Moyes. Everton finished sixth, above their city rivals for a second successive season, and lost only once at Goodison Park all campaign. Their squad boasts quality but not much depth, so to sustain such a challenge while others spend so heavily felt miraculous. Moyes has earned his opportunity with Manchester United.

Owen Gibson Sir Alex Ferguson. Fittingly in his final season, he marshalled his resources one last time following the bitter disappointment of the last day in 2011-12 to ease to the title.

Barry Glendenning Michael Laudrup. Prior to the start of the season, I idiotically predicted that Swansea City under his management would resemble "a car crash".

Andy Hunter Sir Alex Ferguson. Another league title lifted by the latest Manchester United team to be spurred on by talent, naturally, but also character. A huge loss to the game.

David Hytner Rafael Benítez. Could not have done much more than win the Europa League and finish third. Moreover, he maintained his dignity at all times in the face of sustained hostility.

Jamie Jackson Michael Laudrup. As a first season in the top flight claiming the first major trophy of Swansea City's 101-year history and finishing ninth was impressive.

Stuart James Michael Laudrup. There was a feeling Swansea were punching above their weight under Brendan Rodgers. Then Laudrup took over and won the first major trophy in the club's history and secured a top-10 finish in the Premier League. Oh, and he also traded at a profit in the transfer market. Not bad, all in all.

Scott Murray Rafael Benítez, only the second man to win a European trophy at three different clubs (after Udo Lattek). The snipers – and it's not just been Chelsea fans, either – can simmer down now.

Sachin Nakrani Michael Laudrup. Had the tough task of replacing Brendan Rodgers and did so with aplomb. Swansea finished two places higher than they did in 2011-12, have become a more dangerous attacking unit, and won a first major trophy in their history.

James Riach In the face of bitter protests from Chelsea's supporters, Rafael Benítez remained dignified and won the Europa League title as well as securing third place.

Barney Ronay Rafa Benítez. Perhaps not the obvious choice but still: a European trophy and third place in the Premier League. And all without the full support of the club's fans or – it would seem – board.

Jacob Steinberg Michael Laudrup won Swansea their first major trophy in his first season in England, made some shrewd signings and ensured their football remained easy on the eye.

Daniel Taylor Steve Clarke. Well, probably Sir Alex Ferguson. But I owe Clarke an apology for having him to win the sack race last August.

Louise Taylor Paolo Di Canio. Not content with saving Sunderland from relegation he speaks a lot of good sense. And makes the Premier League infinitely more colourful.

Paul Wilson David Moyes. After years of not winning anything, he walks off with the top prize. Tremendous first seasons from Steve Clarke and Michael Laudrup, solid progress by Sam Allardyce and Brendan Rodgers.

WINNER Michael Laudrup.

Best goal

Paul Doyle José Enrique for Liverpool v Swansea. Great move in which every touch was a trick.

Dominic Fifield Matthew Lowton's volley from distance beyond Asmir Begovic, Stoke's fine goalkeeper. It was a goal that breathed life into Aston Villa's pursuit of survival.

Owen Gibson Van Persie v Aston Villa. Wayne Rooney's raking 70-yard pass and the Dutchman's skill in watching the ball drop on to his boot before volleying home was a fitting way for United to clinch the title.

Barry Glendenning Luis Suárez for Liverpool against Newcastle. Sprinting at full speed, he controlled a long ball to the edge of the penalty area with his shoulder while under pressure from Fabricio Coloccini, before taking it around Tim Krul and prodding home. In little more than a couple of seconds and with just three touches he made two very good players look like chumps.

Andy Hunter Robin van Persie v Aston Villa. From the pass by Wayne Rooney to the movement, awareness and sublime technique of Van Persie's volley; a glorious goal and a true jaw-dropping moment.

David Hytner Luis Suárez v Newcastle Utd. Speed, strength, sumptuous chest control, balance, feint, touch, finish. Genius.

Jamie Jackson Robin van Persie's second v Aston Villa. Wayne Rooney's sublime arcing pass placed into the path of the on-rushing Dutchman was complemented by a left-foot volley struck oh so sweetly in a game that sealed Manchester United's 20th championship.

Stuart James A close call between Matthew Lowton's wonderful volley for Aston Villa against Stoke and Robin van Persie's brilliant strike against Villa. Van Persie gets the nod on the basis that he was hitting a ball dropping over his shoulder.

Scott Murray Shinji Kagawa's cerebral sidefoot against Norwich City.

Sachin Nakrani Matthew Lowton against Stoke. A stunning chest-and-first-time-hit volley that ultimately won a important game for Villa, lifting them out of the relegation zone.

James Riach Robin van Persie's fine volley against Aston Villa oozed quality. He timed his run perfectly and made the finish look ridiculously easy.

Barney Ronay Romelu Lukaku versus Sunderland. Essentially a series of high-speed crash tackles, but still a rare joy to watch. The kind of goal the Hulk would score. Or a runaway cement mixer.

Jacob Steinberg I didn't think Bale's stabbed finish against Swansea in March really got the recognition it deserved. It was Messi-esque in its speed and inventiveness.

Daniel Taylor Luis Suárez v Newcastle. It's the control, running, looking over his shoulder, then trapping a 40-yard pass on his chest and shimmying past Newcastle's goalkeeper. The finish was simple; what preceded it was sublime.

Louise Taylor Fernando Torres in Chelsea's 3-1 win at Sunderland. Torres met Eden Hazard's cross with a perfectly cushioned volley expertly directed beyond Simon Mignolet. Not bad for a striker supposedly "finished".

Paul Wilson Van Persie's volley from Wayne Rooney's sumptuous pass against Aston Villa. Otherwise anything from the Bale collection.

WINNER Robin van Persie v Aston Villa.

Best match

Paul Doyle Southampton 3-1 Man City. It is always good to see hungry young slicksters batter a team of glamorous slackers.

Dominic Fifield Chelsea 2-3 Manchester United in October, a game that saw the hosts reduced to nine, retrieve a two-goal deficit, then succumb to an offside winner. It was subsequently tainted with controversy after allegations were made against Mark Clattenburg by home players. Just as significantly, it proved to be the beginning of the end for Roberto Di Matteo.

Owen Gibson Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United. Just as the previous year had been defined by City's 6-1 humbling of their neighbours, so Van Persie's last-gasp winner seemed to symbolise this season's revenge.

Barry Glendenning Reading 3-2 West Brom will live long in my memory. I was reporting on it and three Reading goals in the final eight minutes meant a panic-stricken rewrite. It was great fun, mind.

Andy Hunter Selecting only from games attended, Liverpool 2-2 Chelsea. The Benítez sub-plot, a commanding Chelsea display, a rousing Liverpool recovery and, of course, the best and ridiculous worst of Luis Suárez. The moment it dawned he had bitten Branislav Ivanovic, and that a week of inquests and accusations of a media witch-hunt was sure to follow, was not a highlight, however.

David Hytner Chelsea 2-3 Manchester United. Great goals, a stirring fightback, red cards, contention, pulsating from start to finish. The subsequent, unproven allegations about Mark Clattenburg ought not to overshadow the memory.

Jamie Jackson Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United. In the closing moments Van Persie's free-kick deflected off Samir Nasri, who had turned his back, to beat Joe Hart and all three points were heading to Old Trafford.

Stuart James The first 5-5 draw in the history of the Premier League, at The Hawthorns on the final day of the season, must take some beating.

Scott Murray West Bromwich Albion 5-5 Manchester United, the nearest football's ever got to DG Bradman, b Hollies, 0. Sport always has the last word, leaving even the geniuses wondering exactly what the hell just happened.

Sachin Nakrani Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United. Not a title decider but the moment it felt power had shifted back across Manchester. A pretty dramatic contest, too.

James Riach Newcastle United 0-3 Sunderland. This was the turning point in Sunderland's survival bid, a gutsy performance that included three excellent goals and some incredible celebrations from Paolo Di Canio.

Barney Ronay Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United. Decided which way the seasonal Manchester momentum was heading – plus a lovely bit of soap opera in Van Persie's free-kick and Nasri's flinch.

Jacob Steinberg A personal highlight was West Ham's comeback against Chelsea in December. Chelsea murdered West Ham in the first half and should have been two or three goals up at half-time. But the introduction of Mohamed Diamé changed the game and Upton Park was a very loud and enjoyable place to be by the time Modibo Maïga made it 3-1 to West Ham.

Daniel Taylor Southampton 2-3 Manchester United. The kind of match for which Sir Alex Ferguson will be remembered: losing 2-1 until the last three minutes and then a quick one-two from Robin van Persie and some frantic rewrites in the press box.

Louise Taylor Newcastle United 3-2 Chelsea. A fantastic game filled with fabulous counter-attacking football and settled by Moussa Sissoko's 90th-minute winner for Newcastle.

Paul Wilson Newcastle 3-2 Chelsea was a real humdinger, the one where Demba Ba took a boot to the face and got his nose splattered.

WINNER Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United.

Best signing

Paul Doyle Christian Benteke – £7m for the young striker who kept Aston Villa in the Premier League in his first season in England. A bargain.

Dominic Fifield Robin van Persie. Michu was the bargain of the season, but Van Persie ensured Manchester United eclipsed Manchester City in the title race. A player who made a difference.

Owen Gibson The still improving Christian Benteke narrowly edges Van Persie for value. He scored on his debut and didn't stop, keeping Villa up despite his misfiring colleagues.

Barry Glendenning Michu's transfer to Swansea City from Real Vallecano for £2.2m was an astonishing, astute bit of business … for Swansea.

Andy Hunter Michu. His form may have tailed off after the Capital One Cup final but Swansea are unlikely to hold that against him. A steal at £2m, he epitomised the style and class of Michael Laudrup's team and the club's historic cup win in their centenary year.

David Hytner Robin Van Persie. Took the No20 shirt at Manchester United. Made the difference in the club's 20th title.

Jamie Jackson Van Persie. "If" is a questionable concept in sport but had the Dutchman signed instead for City would United be champions?

Stuart James Michu was an absolute bargain at £2m but Christian Benteke was also an incredible piece of business. Without Benteke's goals (of every description) Villa would surely have been relegated.

Scott Murray Philippe Coutinho. A pocket Molby, or a Beardsley-sized Beardsley?

Sachin Nakrani Michu. Strikers who score 18 goals in their debut season for a new club in a new country are not meant to cost £2m. An incredible piece of business.

James Riach Michu is the clear choice after scoring 18 goals for Swansea City at a cost of £2m from Rayo Vallecano. An absolute bargain.

Barney Ronay Christian Benteke. A £7m signing who kept Villa up and will now probably leave for much more. In short bursts looked like the perfect centre-forward in the making.

Jacob Steinberg Swansea paid £2m Michu and got more than their money's worth.

Daniel Taylor Michu, and if we can ignore Steve Clarke (see above) I did predict this last August.

Louise Taylor Robin van Persie. He did not come cheap but, by their standards, an arguably limited, non-vintage, Manchester United would not have won the title without the Dutch striker.

Paul Wilson Has to be Van Persie, if he really made the difference between United and City.

WINNER Michu.

Worst flop

Paul Doyle Roberto Mancini. There are professors who got PhDs from a slot machine in Blackpool who could mount better defences of their title than Manchester City managed.

Dominic Fifield Alou Diarra at West Ham, if only because I suggested back in August that he would prove to be the bargain of the campaign. He may have been free but he arrived an experienced France international, the kind of player who could take the Premier League by the scruff of the neck, but five appearances in all competitions and a loan to Rennes rather sums up his impact. Then came the allegations that he had been lured to Upton Park by "false promises".

Owen Gibson It seems unfair to single him out amid myriad overpaid failures at Loftus Road. But at £12.5m and £100,000 a week, Christopher Samba's admission that he wasn't prepared for the Premier League when he arrived in January couldn't help but grate as Queens Park Rangers went down with a whimper.

Barry Glendenning Considering the high standards he set for himself last season, the decline of Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tioté has been particularly notable.

Andy Hunter Queens Park Rangers. Every signing made last summer and in January and their two managers, Mark Hughes and Harry Redknapp. Abysmal.

David Hytner José Bosingwa. A European champion with Chelsea last May, he was tempted to QPR by the big wages and did little to justify them. Refused to take his place as a substitute against Fulham. Jeered by fans on his last appearance against Newcastle.

Jamie Jackson Chelsea fans who failed to back Rafael Benítez. What, exactly, did the Blues supporters want by not getting behind the manager? Failure? Having returned the Europa League and third place Benítez has shown the kind of manager he is.

Stuart James Hard to look beyond the Queens Park Rangers team, headed up by José Bosingwa. Probably won't happen but would be great to see him running out at Yeovil.

Scott Murray David Moyes and Everton, after yet another craven capitulation in the Cup. Roberto Martínez and Wigan showed them how to play the glory game.

Sachin Nakrani Christopher Samba. The personification of QPR's ill-thought-out, irresponsible and bloated transfer strategy.

James Riach Chris Samba arrived at QPR in January for a club record £12.5m. Having not played since November, the centre-half was in poor shape and has admitted he was unprepared for a Premier League return.

Barney Ronay Emmanuel Adebayor. Came to life a little towards the end of the season, but it took until May for Spurs to win their second match in which he actually scored.

Jacob Steinberg It has not quite worked out for Scott Sinclair, has it?

Daniel Taylor Queens Park Rangers, the A to Z of how not to run a coherent football club.

Louise Taylor James McClean, Sunderland. The once so promising left winger regressed alarmingly. Desperately requires the "revolution in the brain" prescribed by Paolo Di Canio.

Paul Wilson Not blaming Harry Redknapp in particular, but everyone involved at QPR must view the season as a bit of a fiasco. Wigan's defence coach, if they actually had one, also had a season to forget.

WINNER Queens Park Rangers (particularly Christopher Samba and José Bosingwa).

Biggest gripe

Paul Doyle Lack of innovation at set-pieces: most are very predictable. Players are getting their priorities wrong when they put more thought into their goalscoring celebrations than how to actually score in the first place.

Dominic Fifield The mess that was Queens Park Rangers. Their survival last season had been celebrated but what followed was pathetic. Their stay in the top flight was a missed opportunity.

Owen Gibson Hardly original, but in a season when low level grumbling about ticket prices became loud protests, the urgency of more clubs addressing the issue can't be overstated.

Barry Glendenning The paranoia and seething rage of some fans is tedious. Relax, it's just football.

Andy Hunter Extortionate ticket prices that have turned some football stadiums into tourist destinations and homes for a precious, middle-aged, middle-class audience.

David Hytner Sky sources. Just because the TV channel invented the game does not give them the licence seemingly to take other outlets' stories and information and present them as their own.

Jamie Jackson Prominent footballers who shun the media when playing, then take up jobs in the media on retirement.

Stuart James The ruthless sackings of Brian McDermott at Reading and Nigel Adkins at Southampton. Both victims of their own success.

Scott Murray Faux moral outrage, 25 hours a day, eight days a week. Life's too short to be this annoyed.

Sachin Nakrani The FA's disciplinary decisions. A four-match ban for racism (John Terry), a 10-match ban for biting (Luis Suárez) and no ban at all for nearly snapping someone's leg (Callum Mcmanaman). Madness.

James Riach Giving players a voice by reporting their nonsensical comments on Twitter, particularly one converted Francophile.

Barney Ronay Get rid of the "the ref saw it so we can't do anything" law – thereby destroying at a single stroke the gist of roughly 50% of all angry football talk radio content.

Jacob Steinberg The FA Cup final (with Budweiser; mustn't forget the sponsors) was great entertainment but it still shouldn't kick off at 5.15pm or be played on the same weekend as league games.

Daniel Taylor 1) goal music, 2) Brendan Rodgers never told us who were in the envelopes.

Louise Taylor Those Chelsea fans who persistently undermined Rafael Benítez and demanded his dismissal after he, quite reasonably, gave them a measured ticking off following an FA Cup win at Middlesbrough. Benítez performed splendidly; is José Mourinho really going to do better?

Paul Wilson The Premier League is tilting towards the south, even south Wales. From a position of strength a few years ago, there are only the four core north-west clubs left. Lancashire is becoming an outpost, rather than a sensible location for a football writer to base themselves.

WINNER The FA's disciplinary process.

Change for next season

Paul Doyle Play-offs for last Champions League spot and last relegation spot. There is an obvious antidote to anti-climaxes, as followers of the Championship, League One and League Two know full well. And why should the lower leagues have better endings than the top flight?

Dominic Fifield Transfer windows for managerial changes. Chelsea can have their own one, if necessary, in late February/early March. November is far too early.

Owen Gibson They have more need than most, but it would be nice to see others follow Arsenal's lead in introducing special cut-price areas for teenagers.

Barry Glendenning Cheaper ticket prices would be nice.

Andy Hunter Same as last season: retrospective punishment for diving.

David Hytner Sir Alex Ferguson to hold regular press conferences in his new role as a Manchester United director.

Jamie Jackson Cameras in changing rooms, please.

Stuart James That the Manchester United manager attends post-match press conferences.

Scott Murray Pitchside bats, for smashing goalline cameras into pieces so small they can be sieved through a sock. Perfection is a pipe dream and, anyway, bemoaning the occasional incorrect decision is all part of the fun.

Sachin Nakrani £20 away tickets. In January the Football Supporters' Federation launched its "Twenty's Plenty for Away Tickets" campaign in a bid to establish an across-the-board, affordable pricing structure for travelling fans. Its introduction would show football at the highest level retains a soul.

James Riach Retrospective punishment even if a match official has seen the incident during the game. Some blatant and ugly fouls have escaped proper scrutiny this season.

Barney Ronay Relegate five teams.

Jacob Steinberg It is understandable that the FA doesn't want to undermine referees but it is slightly farcical that retrospective action can't be taken over incidents – Callum McManaman's tackle on Massadio Haïdara, say – which the officials decided not to punish during games.

Daniel Taylor Maybe the Premier League, with its £5.5bn television revenue, could give Kick It Out more than £100,000 a year operating costs (roughly the same as someone who earns £50,000 a year chucking 25p into a collection tin).

Louise Taylor Journalists reporting on Premier League teams being invited, as happens at certain European clubs, to eat training ground lunches with players as part of an obligatory extension of current weekly press conferences. With increased trust unlikely to be abused it could only erase paranoia, increase understanding and enhance coverage.

Paul Wilson Players attending finals in a suit should be made to stay in a suit, and frisked if necessary to make sure they are not carrying spare kit, boots and shin-pads.

WINNER Cheaper tickets.

Premier LeagueManchester UnitedManchester CityChelseaArsenalTottenham HotspurEvertonLiverpoolWest Bromwich AlbionSwansea CityWest Ham UnitedNorwich CityFulhamStoke CitySouthamptonAston VillaNewcastle UnitedSunderlandWigan AthleticReadingQPRPaul DoyleDominic FifieldOwen GibsonBarry GlendenningAndy HunterDavid HytnerJamie JacksonStuart JamesScott MurraySachin NakraniJames RiachBarney RonayJacob SteinbergDaniel TaylorLouise TaylorPaul Wilson
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Manchester United v Swansea City – as it happened | Scott Murray

MBM report: There was only one way Sir Alex Ferguson's last game at Old Trafford could end: with a late winner. And so it came to pass. Scott Murray was watching

Scott Murray

The Fiver | As much emotion as when Renton avoided prison but Spud did not

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A MINIMUM OF SEVEN GOALS GUARANTEED AT GOODISON PARK ON SUNDAY, YOU'LL SOON SEE WHY

It's the FA Cup final this weekend, still the biggest single game in the domestic calendar. So naturally the modern media has trained all its attention on Everton's inconsequential clash with West Ham United on Sunday. It's sure to be a great game, perhaps 1-0 to Everton, or maybe 1-0 to West Ham, or perchance 0-0 or 1-1. Do you have a spare ticket?

The promise of a rollocking rollercoaster ride aside, it's also the last opportunity to see David Moyes standing in the home dugout at Goodison Park after 11 long years in charge of Everton. "I remember my first game against Fulham 11 years ago like it was tomorrow," began Moyes this afternoon, raising immediate concerns among students of relativistic classical mechanics that Lord Ferg's retirement did indeed cause a massive rip in the space-time continuum. "I was a relative unknown coming from Preston, but they got behind me. I hope the fans react this weekend the way they did when I walked in the door, but if they don't I totally understand because I'm a football fan myself and you support your team, that's what you do."

Though exactly how well he understands the concerns of the common Evertonian is a moot point, seeing most of them want the owner Bill Kenwright to do one. Moyes, however, thinks the man who made the role of Betty Turpin's son in Coronation Street his own is a "great guy", and will be more than happy to offer him advice in his search for a new manager. "Walter Smith recommended me, and if there's anything I can do, I'll be more than happy to help."

His piercing peepers staring into the middle distance, for once not in a manner that suggests it may be time to vacate the public bar, a wistful Moyes revealed that he hadn't been planning to leave Everton. "My contract was running out, but if you'd pushed me I'd have said my mind was swaying on staying at Everton. I've got everything in place for next season, the pre-season, the chairman knows the things we'd like to do to move forward." But with Fergie – according to his pal Fabio Capello – finally tiring of the stress of top-level management, as well as becoming desirous of stuffing his backpack full of Imodium and seeing the world before it's too late, an opportunity came up that was too good to turn down.

And so it was that a chain of events was set in motion that led to this warm and fuzzy press conference, Moyes showing more emotion than at any point since Renton avoided prison but Spud did not. "I'm disappointed to be leaving such a great club," he said. "It has been such a great part of my life." Beautiful sentiments from a warm-hearted chap. Hacks on the north-west beat are encouraged to enjoy these moments while they can, because if the last 27 years have been any guide, come September Moyes will be chasing half of them with a pointed stick and a wild look in his eye. And those will be the ones he's not angry enough with to ban.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"When I received the phone call from Mr Short, I thought it was a joke and I was ready to say a bad word – I thought it was a friend and I would have lost my job!" – Paolo Di Canio, 2 April 2013.

"[Lord Ferg] called me two Christmas Days in a row and I thought it was my friend so I swore down the phone" – the same man again today. Either Di Canio needs to get some new friends, or he needs a new gag.

FIVER LETTERS

"My wife was three when Lord Ferg became boss. Her 30th birthday was 7 May. After a lovely dinner out, I came home the next morning to find Fergie quit. 3 ... 30. I'm sure she's to blame in some numerological way, but love her enough to not ask Sir Alex who I should get to replace her. Besides, David Moyes is taken" – Mossman.

"So the Scouser with the lamp [Fiver Letters passim] has got their third wish – as long as they're a Liverpool fan that is" – Rob W.

"How considerate of Lord Ferg to nominate a man who has previously won nothing. Far more thoughtful than opting for someone who could show how easy it is to win trophies, when you have virtually unlimited resources" – Simon Baker.

"In yesterday's Fiver, you said USA Americans 'could usually barely care less about the game'. Whilst technically correct, you should have said 'could care less about this game'. Obviously that means completely the opposite of what you were trying to convey, but that's how Americans say it, and it would be pedantic to call them ignorant, ungrammatical, thoughtless, ill-educated louts over a simple total reversal of meaning. I gave up correcting this one long ago, and so should you" – Richard Beer.

"Re yesterday's Fiver headline, as a resident of Greater Manchester I take great exception to the London-centric cliche that it is always raining in Manchester. There were at least two hours of just heavy grey cloud before it started drizzling all day" – Chris Threlfall.

• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Mossman.

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BITS AND BOBS

Mikel John Obi has reached for his Best of Take That CD, skipped to track three and is repeatedly humming Back For Good in the direction of José Mourinho. "On and off the pitch he's a fantastic human being," he eyelash-fluttered.

Peter Odemwingie has reached for Jessie J's Who You Are and simply let track one play, as he insists his desire to leave West Brom is not about the money, money, money. "Taking these songs every five minutes from West Brom fans 'you greedy ba$tard' ... I'm already sick of it," he blathered.

'Arry Redknapp has had a lend of it too, but is more of an Everything Changes man as he promises an overhaul at QPR. "If they practised more rather than tweeted they would be better footballers," he grumbled of his squad. "Next year lots of things have to change here … some of them think they can do what they want when they want."

And Hollywood has reached for its Rocky box set after buying the rights to a Lionel Messi biography with a view to making a rags-to-riches dramatisation of the forward's life. Epic Pictures is promising a story of how Messi "overcame his physical shortcomings to become one of the greatest players of all time".

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

A tidy finish from near the halfway line, complete with overexcitable Ecuadorian commentary.

STILL WANT MORE?

Rob Smyth's parting gift before hot-footing out of the door and heading down to the Friday joy facilitator for good was this Joy of Six on unique goals.

Barney Ronay cranks up the wry-o-meter and aims it at Arsène Wenger.

David Moyes's first task at Manchester United is to not fall in love with the physio's wife, reckons David Lacey.

Tor-Kristian Karlsen, however, is not so sure that bringing in Moyes is the right idea.

Amid all the Ferg hoopla, Sachin Nakrani remembered that there's an FA Cup final on this weekend. As did the likes of Sir Bobby Charlton, Gordon Banks, Jimmy Greaves and John Barnes. Meanwhile somehow someone was talked into letting Jonathan Wilson write nearly 1,800 words on the 1973 Cup-winning Sunderland side.

Here are some context free highlights of the 10 things to look out for this weekend blog: pass the hankie, Shakespearean tragedy, Petrov's footballing footprint and Martin Jol's assertion.

And why not buy Big Paper this Sunday for an all-singing, all-dancing* 12-page tribute to Lord Ferg.

* Legal disclaimer: may not actually sing or dance.

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ANOTHER LEGEND STANDS DOWN THIS WEEK ... COME BACK SOON SMYTHDavid MoyesManchester UnitedScott Murray
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Football transfer rumours: Who is on David Moyes's Manchester United list? | Scott Murray

Today's gossip features new Manchester United manager David Moyes, which is great news for fans of Manchester United, and fans of new Manchester United manager David Moyes

What a week, then, eh? We're going to assume you're all Manchester United-ed out by now – hell, thanks to him, some of you will have been all Manchester United-ed out in May 1993, this time's long been a-comin' – so let's start today's Mill away from Old Trafford. How about Chelsea, then, and José Mourinho? He's going to be in a murderous mood after being overlooked by … erm, this isn't going to be as easy as we thought … anyway, he's lined up the first signing of his second stint at Stamford Bridge, and it's going to be Wayne BALLS.

Well, that didn't last long. Sorry to anyone who still wakes up in a cold sweat at the mere thought of Gary Pallister whistling free-kicks into the net, but it's not going to be possible to circumvent the subject, is it? It'll be an exercise in futility, we'll just have to tackle it head on. Rooney is being painted as Mourinho's New Drogba, so Manchester United will need a New Rooney. To this end they're trying to convince Cristiano Ronaldo to assume that role, though he may prefer to see himself as the New Ronaldo or indeed the Same Old Ronaldo, or for those who remember Ronaldo's namesake, the erstwhile Brazilian international striker Ronaldo, the Same Old New Ronaldo. Is that right? Subs please check. Actually, subs, life's too short, don't bother, let it ride, let's move on.

Everything's viewed through a David Moyes shaped prism these days, so Manchester United have been frustrated to hear that Bayern Munich will sign Robert Lewandowski from Borussia Dortmund, even though the news is nothing whatsoever to do with them. Bayern having already snapped up Mario Götze, the upcoming Champions League final is now a farce so complete that Ray Cooney is thinking about taking legal action for plagiarism.

The all-new Manchester United managerial setup is in no way being operated from the back seat by a septuagenarian using a set of barely concealed winches and pulleys. In order to throw everyone off the scent, David Moyes is being allowed to jettison Mike Phelan and René Meulensteen to make room for Phil Neville and David Weir.

New Manchester United manager David Moyes is also returning to poor knackered old Everton for Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini. There will be little left for Roberto Martínez should he arrive at Goodison. Or indeed if he stays at Wigan. Malky Mackay, Phil Neville and Neil Lennon are also in the running for the vacant Everton job, but come on.

New Manchester United manager David Moyes used to play as a centre back. Tottenham, spotting that Moyes is all the rage, now want a centre back. Sevilla's Alberto Botía or Ajax's Toby Alderweireld will do.

Arsenal, who will face David Moyes's Manchester United twice next season in the new renamed FA Barclays David Moyes Experience, want a fancy new right-back, and they'll be going for either Borussia Dortmund's Lukasz Piszczek or Feyenoord's Daryl Janmaat.

Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, David Villa, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal, Liverpool, Atlético Madrid, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes.

Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes. Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Roma midfielder Miralem Pjanic, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes, Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal, Manchester City, Moyes, Moyes, Moyes.

And despite intense interest from Newcastle United and West Ham, and inexplicable interest from Tottenham Hotspur, Andy Carroll is on his way back to Liverpool. There's no way of crowbarring Moyes into this rumour, you don't get the Manchester United gig without a modicum of common sense.

Scott Murray
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The Fiver | Camped outside Old Trafford all day in the wind and the drizzle

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MOYES: IN. NEWS: FINISHED. NOGGIN: GONE

Well, thank God that old bugger's gone, eh? We thought he'd never leave. There he was, year in, year out, waving his trophies in the spring air, the boring old goat. Change the record, grandad! That's what the Fiver would shout, a couple of light ales in. Mix it up a bit, pops! But Lord Ferg would not change the record, and he never mixed it up a bit. Every May, there he was, waving his trophies in the air and looking happy and smiling his special smile which could be seen for many miles around but was especially visible in L4. He would wave his trophies and be happy and look content and grin a lot and the Fiver would keep having some light ale and eventually the Fiver's mascara would start to run.

But someone obviously had a word that this act was beginning to look seriously played, and as all the world's sentient beings plus most marble statues, kitchen appliances and BBC pundits now know, Lord Ferg has done one. You could hardly miss the news. Yesterday's announcement was so seismic, nay cataclysmic, that not only was it reported in the USA, whose denizens could usually barely care less about the game the English call soccer, it was also briefly thought to have caused a small fissure in the space-time continuum. However, happily for fans of relativistic classical mechanics, all the jolt did was kill the little sense remaining in the media's collective noggin.

There is now none left.

As a result, everyone – grown adults, and all – camped outside Old Trafford all day in the wind and the drizzle, waiting to hear confirmation of what they already knew. And sure enough, midway through the afternoon, Everton announced that "David Moyes will leave the club at the end of the season", then a while later United posted up a welcome message to Moyes on their Facebook site, before taking it down for some minor administrative reason and playing a bit of Scrabble instead. Finally, once everyone had stopped faffing around, they confirmed that Moyes will be the new manager of Manchester United, having been given a six-year deal which equates to one McGuinness plus an O'Farrell as well as three-fifths of a Docherty.

"It's a great honour to be asked to be the next manager of Manchester United," said the man himself. "I am delighted that Sir Alex saw fit to recommend me for the job. I have great respect for everything he has done and for the football club. I know how hard it will be to follow the best manager ever, but the opportunity to manage Manchester United isn't something that comes around very often and I'm really looking forward to taking up the post next season." So there you have it. This piece of news has now officially finished! The media should probably all go home now. But they won't. Noggin's gone, you see. And as for the chances of paying a bit of attention to poor Everton, and what they might do now? Yes, well.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I am moving on and I am excited by this. There is a deep joy in my heart because of what you have shared with me, not only in this past year but over the years I have been in football. I felt privileged. I still do. I always will" – Aston Villa's Stiliyan Petrov announces his retirement from the game, and his plan to set up a new foundation to help leukaemia sufferers.

FIVER LETTERS

"I was born in 1992, and became a conscious United fan in 1998. While not strictly a Mancunian (I live in Wilmslow with Sir Alex, though not the posh bit) I grew up loving United because of Ferguson. I blindly admired everything he did, and defended him against those who attacked his rudeness and his ruddy nose. Obviously the news of his retirement has hit me pretty hard. The only fitting tribute to His Greatness I can think of is STOPPING FOOTBALL. Where do I sign up?" – Daniel Thomas.

"Following the departure of Lord Ferg, what now will happen to the verb 'to purple'?" – Alan Butterfield.

"So what time was the Fiver published on the day Ferguson retired? 16.45. You guys never really understood how Fergie time worked, did you?" – Graeme Neill.

"Regarding the letter yesterday granting a Scouser three wishes: might that third wish be to win a football trophy?" – Marc Meldrum.

"Scanning the letters section yesterday, I saw 12-10-10-10 and Scottish football together and I thought maybe Strachan was proposing a new formation for the next qualifying tournament. Surely better than Levein's 9-1-0 …" – James Smith.

"Re yesterday's last line – you as well? At least I'll remember the day he retired for the pub quiz. Feel I now have some link to him. Thanks Lord Ferg for ruining my birthday" – Ian Henderson.

• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Graeme Neill.

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BITS AND BOBS

Mark Hughes fancies overhauling Everton in the way he overhauled QPR. "Whoever gets that opportunity it is a really big club and really big shoes to fill. It's an opportunity for somebody and I back myself for most jobs in the Premier League," he trilled.

José Mourinho took time out from packing to be roundly booed by Real Madrid fans ahead of their thrashing of Málaga. Assistant Aitor Karanka responded with some textbook mixed signals: "We don't pay much attention to that ... however, we respect their views."

Arsenal are heading on a money-spinning tour to the United Sta ... Vietnam this summer – the first Premier League club to play there. "Arsenal has so many loyal supporters in Asia," parped chief executive Ivan Gazidis. "We're delighted to be playing a match in Hanoi."

And FA chairman David Bernstein says he had a personal apology from the PFA after comedy's Reginald D Hunter upset the union's awards dinner. "I thought it was a bad choice and a little careless because that's his act. Leopards don't change their spots," he idiomed.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Download this week's Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaah, with extraaaaaaaah special guest Kevin Kilbane.

Paolo Bandini on why Italians can't get over Lord Ferg's longevity – given the average life span of Italian gaffers.

The week's best foul, Manchester City's 1934 FA Cup win over Pompey, plus *that* clip of Lord Ferg swearing at a balloon: it's this week's Classic YouTube.

If the Queen supported her local team and wasn't such a glory hunter, who would she follow? Test your wits with our football geography quiz.

How to fix the tattered relationship between the football family and the media? Ban all journalists, says Marina Hyde.

Plus: Trumpton fans! Relish this weird and wonderful FA Cup animation from a New York design studio, in this week's Beautiful Games.

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MELTDOWNDavid MoyesSir Alex FergusonManchester UnitedScott Murray
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