Corinne A. Gregory's Blog, page 7

Bullying: "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist"

Do you remember being a child and pretending that if you had your eyes closed you or someone else with whom you were playing the game was invisible?  The thinking was, "If I can't see you, you aren't there."  Well, most of us grew up and learned that just because you aren't looking at something or someone, it doesn't mean it's not there.

I read an article this morning in the Miami Herald that has me concerned that our schools may be falling into the same child-like dreamland.  The gist of the article is that in Florida, apparently cases of bullying are going under-reported in school districts across the state. If you look at the chart cited in the article, bullying has decreased in every school district over the past two years listed (2008-2009, 2009-2010).  Virtually half of the school districts in the state, the Herald shares, reported fewer than 10 bullying incidents per year.

School district officials question these statistics. Pinellas County reported only 71 bullying incidents in 2009-2010. Given what we know of previous data, school district size, and average rates of bullying nationwide, the officials would have expected a number closer to a little over 1,100. Maybe the wide variance in expected vs. reported numbers is due to how they are defining bullying? Or, maybe there's something more troubling — and potentially dangerous going on?

I frequently have education officials share with me after one of my presentations that their school "doesn't have any problems."  If this is true, then not only do I think it's terrific, but I want to know what they are doing right where everyone else isn't seeing the same situation.  More likely, however, is that the school administrator's don't want to have the stain of "bullying happens" on their school. And, who can blame them?  I would completely support a magic wand that just made everyone play nice and treat each other with respect and compassion.  I'd be out of a job, but I could go on to my next dream profession.

I'm not saying that schools are being malicious or devious in trying to downplay the challenges they face.  It IS dangerous, that's true, but when education is already so under-fire, what principal wants to stand up in public and admit that, in spite of their efforts to date, they have not been able to get a handle on bullying, and, in fact, it's getting worse?

It would be honest, because this IS what's happening in most of the schools across the country. But to admit to a problem like this implies that our "best efforts" aren't good enough.  News flash, though, folks: they aren't. Bullying continues because we are looking at the problem much too late in its lifecycle.  We don't need more "anti-bullying" policies, approaches, laws (like the one currently on the table in Oregon requiring tougher reporting), or similar. What we need is to address overall student behavior and motivation.  Yes, I mean social skills, emotional development, character education.  Spend a little more time on the fundamentals, and make sure EVERYONE has it (students, teachers/staff, parents), and you will be surprised how not only your bullying numbers plummet, but your overall environment will become safer, happier and more productive.

That is the problem we've been ignoring for too long. And the reality is, by pretending we don't have a problem, we continue to doom ourselves and our kids to the same mediocre outcomes.

To really fix this requires courage. It requires courage, it requires committment, and it requires a strong belief that things CAN (and must) change.  I'm going to continue to call for those enlightened leaders to be bold, not be afraid of the truth, and take a stand for what your educational environment SHOULD be. And if you need help in realizing this dream, contact us and we'll be there to help.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Current Events, Education Policy Tagged: anti-bullying, bullying, Florida schools, Miami Herald, under-reporting of bullying incidents

Education: Finger pointing and blame placing is NOT a solution

Wanted: Enlightened school/district administrators, education experts, influencers wanting to fix our education system.

No, this is not meant to be a joke — it's meant to be a call to action. If you meet that criteria, and take that seriously, we want to talk with you because we can help.

I was inspired to write this post because I think it's time we got down to the business of actually doing something about our education system rather than continue down the predictable, yet ineffective path of finger-pointing, placing blame, and searching for external excuses for why education is not meeting the needs of our children.

What do I mean?  Well, here's a sample of the "reasons" for why education isn't working:

School districts cite overly-restrictive teachers' unions for why they can't get fair teacher evaluation, hire good teachers/fire bad ones, keep salaries within reasonable levels, etc.
Teachers' unions blame the districts for not providing better working conditions, pay, benefits to their teachers. They blame the states for "underfunding" education and keeping teachers' pay so low that they can't attract and retain qualified staff.
Teachers blame their principals/administration for not supporting them more. They blame parents for not being more engaged in their students' education, and they blame the government for not providing more money for education so that the parents have to take up more of the slack.
Parents blame everyone else — the government for short-changing the schools, the teachers for not caring enough or doing enough to teach their kids, the administration for not offering enough opportunities for "extended learning," and cuts to services.
Taxpayers blame the government for providing too much budget for schools with too little results. 
Businesses blames the education system for not putting out adequate numbers of new employees into the business world that are properly prepared and trained to participate in job market.

Note the common factor in the majority of the "reasons" above is the lack of adequate funding and financial resources to "get the job done." However, none of these issues can be solved by throwing more money at them.

More money is also clearly not the solution to improving educational outcomes as history has shown us.  We've spent increasing amounts of money educating our students for the past 40 years, yet their actual academic achievement hasn't actually improved at all.  So, then we start looking for "reasons" that's happened, including classroom size, again the lack of adequate teachers, insufficient time in the classrooms, lack of emphasis on academics, etc.

Again…not dealing with the problem, but plenty of excuses.

Those excuses lead nowhere.  We spin around in a permanent whirlpool of complaints, finger-pointing and rhetoric, yet at the end of the day — or the school year — we're at the same place we found ourselves in last year.  It appears that while there is plenty of blame to go around, no one is really brave enough to take a step back, take a deep breath and look at what's really going on. Instead, we'd prefer to slap on a band-aid, apply a quick fix, and hope that takes care of it…until the "next problem" comes along.

Our children are the ones who are suffering. We can argue until we're blue in the face that this time smaller classroom sizes will fix it, perhaps a better reading curriculum or more emphasis on reading. Or that teacher effectiveness is dependent on how they are perceived or how much they are paid.  We need more technology — that will make academic achievement go up.  Do any of these sound familiar?

What no one really talks about is the common factor in everything from classroom size to the achievement gap; from disrespect and disruptive classrooms to bullies that treat their victims so harshly that suicide seems the only out.  Teachers leave the classroom, not because of inadequate pay, but because they can't handle the behavior management issues anymore.  Precious days are sucked out what should be learning time, and a corresponding amount of hundreds of billions of dollars across the country.

This cancer revolves around children's preparedness to learn in a classroom environment and that does not mean starting kids on reading at earlier and earlier ages. Too many of our children are woefully under-prepared with social/emotional learning that is the most critical factor in how successful they will be in school — and in life. And that, folks, affects everything and everyone in the educational equation.  And, I'm not going to go there and start pointing fingers and say "oh, but that's the PARENTS' job" because the reality is that even the best of parents, who are doing their best to instill these values and abilities in their kids are fighting an uphill battle. That also doesn't account for those parents who may not be from this country or culture, who are doing what they should to raise their kids to behave in a manner appropriate for the culture of their heritage…which may not be what this culture or the marketplace expects of people. So those kids start behind, and remain behind.

I'm happy to share more on this because it's a hugely multi-faceted topic, and it's one I speak on to many audiences including the public and educational professionals.  But the topic is one that everyone should be able to get their arms and heads around because solving this problem is in everyone's interests. There is no downside to improving teachers' working conditions, students' social skills, creating more productive and positive learning environments.

Pointing fingers and placing blame may make some folks feel better because then they can say they aren't responsible.  But we're all responsible for our children's future. Isn't THAT the common goal we should all share? That is where the focus should be; if we don't do our job and come together on a real solution, one day our children will be pointing their fingers at us. And we'll deserve the blame.

Filed under: Education Policy, Education Reform, Social Skills and Character Tagged: academic achievement, blaming others for education, Education Reform, social-emotional learning, teachers unions

Just released: Research Paper on How to Achieve More in Education, even with less

It's a been a year since I completed this research paper. I spent several months doing my own research, talking and corresponding with experts in the education field such as Liv Finne from the Washington Policy Center, Jon Rochkind of Public Agenda, Barry McCurdy of Institute of Clinical Training & Research, and many more. I owe them, and the many other sources cited in the paper, my great thanks. What came out of it was an honest and direct look at one of the root causes of many of the problems facing education today — that of students who lack the social skills, emotional/character development and abilities to be successful in the classroom.

While the negative impacts of this problem are wide-spread, I chose to focus on only two specific areas: classroom productivity and teacher attrition.  The research paper is also specific to Washington State (my home state), but the information in it can easily be applied to any state in the nation, or extrapolated nationwide as I frequently do when speaking to education groups on this topic.

In the year since I completed the paper, I have spent many hours sharing the information privately and selectively to my local legislators, other education officials, and influential individuals.  I've been struggling with how to make this information more accessible, and it seems the time is right to offer it up to more public access.

You can read the paper's Executive Summary here – there's also an area by which you can request to download the full copy of the paper.  I welcome your comments and feedback on this critical and grossly overlooked area.

Filed under: Current Events, Education Policy, Education Reform Tagged: classroom efficiency, disruptive classrooms, Education Reform, improving education, teacher attrition, teacher effectiveness, underfunded education

An Open Response to Arne Duncan's Open Letter to America's Teachers

Just in time for "Teacher Appreciation Week," Education Secretary Arne Duncan published an "Open Letter to America's Teachers."

After reading his letter, here's the response I posted in EdWeek's comments: 

The biggest problem in education — all around — and the one that is keeping teachers from doing the best they can is one that very few people are willing to address: the high percentage of teaching time that is lost due to disruptive, unruly, undisciplined students.

Classically, the "solution" is to insist that teachers have better classroom management skills, but that overlooks the other 1/2 of that equation: our students need to have the skills and character/emotional development that allows them to be "managed" in a classroom environment.

When teachers, all across the country, are losing between 25-50% or more of classroom time managing behavior — not to mention other "related" problems such as bullying, teacher assaults, etc., it's no wonder they can't get the job done. Oh, and it also results in a $100 BILLION drain on the education budget nationwide, EVERY YEAR.

Recently, EducationWeek and others published the results of a study that showed broad-spectrum social skills education in the classroom resulted in an 11 percentile point gain in academic achievement, as well as other benefits like decreased discipline problems.  Yet, instead of focusing on this aspect of education, we scream that we need to better prepare our students by giving them more technology?  Heck, even the best technology will be useless if students aren't attentive, respectful, and willing to participate in learning.

For more on this, I encourage you to visit http://socialsmarts.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/education-ills-connecting-the-dots/

Mr. Education Secretary, if you truly want to do something to transform our ailing education system, I welcome a 15-minute chat with you.  This is not only good for teachers, it's good for our children and it's critical for our future.

- Corinne Gregory

www.corinnegregory.com

www.socialsmarts.com

Now, I doubt he'll take me up on it, but frankly, I'm tired of the teacher-bashing. Yes, ok, there are some really lousy teachers out there who are really only interested in getting tenure, making it retirement, and getting out.  But, you can say the same thing for any other profession: bankers, government workers, scientists, web programmers…there's good and bad in all of them. But you have to believe that the majority of teachers want to do the best they can — otherwise, why even BECOME a teacher? It's sure not for the salary, perks or the glory! If we want to improve the state of education, we have to really look at ALL the factors involved, together, and be honest and willing to say what works and what doesn't. Instead of the "quick fixes" we are always looking for, be willing to look under the hood and consider that there might be a better way. Sure as heck, what we've been doing for the past 40 years isn't it. 

If you truly appreciate teachers, how about you make sure they have both the skills and the environment to do the job you expect them to do?  Not only will your teachers, but your students — who it's supposed to be all about — will thank you.

Filed under: Current Events, Education Policy, Education Reform Tagged: Arne Duncan, disruptive classrooms, improving education environment, Teacher Appreciation

Social Media: Beware what you share!

So we've all heard, no doubt, that it's important to be careful about what we share on social media platforms. But, has it ever occurred to you that you might be affecting your FUTURE by what you say/don't say?  I had a first-hand look at exactly that recently, and it really drove the message home.

A few weeks ago, I was attending an event in Southern California. The event was pretty much unrelated to my business; oh, there were a few people there who knew what I do, and I had some acquaintances there who know me pretty well. But, in general, there was no "connection" to me, to SocialSmarts, to my business.

At the end of the evening, a group of us were sitting around a table, chatting about the event.  I knew most of the people at the table, but then some other folks sat down and joined us — people I didn't know. After introductions were made and independent conversations broke out between groups of two or three people, as they often do in these types of settings, one of the ladies that had just joined us leans over to me and says, "Excuse me, but do you know 'such-and-so?'" I answered that, yes, I did. My conversation partner went on to ask me if the person in question used to work for my company, and when I answered that yes they did, she shared with me that this person apparently had applied for a job with her organization.  Not only that, but the person then invited her to join her Facebook page, which she did.

Now, is where it gets interesting. My conversation partner went on to share that after following 'such-and-so' for a while on Facebook, she began to get the impression that the person was a "whiner" (her terms).  She commented on the many complaints that 'such-and-so' posted about her life, her current work situation, her health.  Long story short, my conversation partner explained to me that what she had read on "such-and-so's" Wall caused her to form an opinion about what the person would be like as an employee, and she subsequently decided not to pursue hiring them.

Wow.  Now, there are many lessons we could – and should – learn from this story.  Here are a few:

Obviously, be careful what you talk about on social media sites.  This may seem obvious, but it's hugely important.  Not only because of what you say, but how others may perceive it.
When you are sharing with folks on FB, Twitter, etc. remember that you are not only communicating to your group, you may also be sharing to THEIR groups, and their group's groups. What you think you're saying in relative "safety" of your personal network could be shared with hundreds, thousands, even hundreds of thousand of people or more, depending not only on your settings but on their settings as well.
Be particularly careful if you mix business with personal contacts.  While "dishing" about your neighbor's annoyingly barky dogs may seem like it's no big deal, what impression will that leave to a business contact? What if the business contact is best friend's with your neighbor?
Corollary to the above: don't always assume that people's "states" remain static. What I mean is, people with whom you only have a personal relationship with now may end up changing their context later. What if a "friend" becomes a potential vendor/supplier/employee/employer later? What if a "friend" has the potential to influence a business deal or job for you down the road?
Also, consider the permanence of messages and written word/pictures/video anytime you put anything out there on the 'Net. What if you post a "hilarious" but unflattering picture of yourself overdoing it at a family BBQ, only to have it come back to haunt you during a job interview a year, two, ten down the road? What if you don't even GET considered for opportunities because your prospective employer has done a thorough Google search on you and found these under "images?"
You must also consider the power of communication and the limitations that come into play when we move from face-to-face, to phone, to hand-written, to typed/email/texted messages. I explain more about this in the "It's Not Who You Know..." book, and it's enough of a topic for another post later, but let's just say that every time you remove another layer of interaction, there's a new layer of potential misunderstanding. Choose your words carefully.

Now, these tips are only some of the things you need to consider, and they are intended to adults.  Of course, our kids have a whole additional set of things they need to think about, and I'm going to be writing about this in the not-too-distant future. 

If you aren't thinking about what you say on social media before you say it, then you may be opening yourself up to unintended — and unpredictable — consequences.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and remember that you can't always control who's out there to hear it, save it, use it later.

Filed under: Leadership, Social Skills and Character Tagged: business skills, Facebook, it's not who you know it's how you treat them, social media, social media mistakes

…the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Really?

Raise your hand if you've ever been in court and have been sworn in as a witness.  Raise your hand now if you've ever been in court under any circumstances. Ok, raise your hand if you've ever SEEN a court hearing on TV? All hands should be up.

We are very familiar with this phrase and what it implies. The message is that what is said "in a court of law" is the truth.  If you don't tell the truth, you are guilty of what is called perjury and, if so, you are in trouble.  There are even many legal documents that have you sign "…under penalty of perjury…" which is to say that if you sign here, you are swearing, by your signature, that it's the truth.

And it is…often NOT the truth.

I like this topic, for various reasons.  First of all, because I am a truthful person.  I don't believe in lying, and I am offended when people lie to me.  It's as though they don't respect me as a person so they'd rather give me some malarkey rather than be honest with me.

Also, I'm a Rotarian.  We have a "code" that Rotarians live by called The 4-Way Test. The purpose of The 4-Way Test is to evaluate that "in all we think, say, and do…" we are holding ourselves to ethical and moral standards.  Being truthful and honest is so important to The 4-Way Test that it is statement #1:

Is it the TRUTH?

While there are three other statements we have to pass to comply with The 4-Way Test, consider that if your thought or action doesn't pass statement #1, what's the point of continuing.  In other words, if it isn't TRUE does anything else matter?

This morning, I happened to see a segment on The Today Show about a new book just released by author James B. Stewart entitled Tangled Webs which explores how high-profile cases of perjury are not only undermining our judicial system, but in some ways, the very fabric of our society.  Mr. Stewart talks about several "celebrity" cases such as the Bernie Madoff fiasco, Barry Bonds' lying about steroid use, Martha Stewart's insider trading debacle and others.  The point he was making is that celebs who perjure themselves in the stand in court are rarely held accountable, even though people know they are lying.  It almost comes down to how good of liars they are, not whether or not they are telling the truth, that gets them off.

The "truth" is, that this is not only what happens in celeb cases, but it also happens in true life.  The "truth" is not valued the way it used to be. I have personally seen egregious cases of documented, written perjury, where the lies were spelled out in clear text. Yet, in spite of all the contradictions, and even lies told on the stand, no one was held accountable for the untruths that were told.

The ramifications are huge.  If "truth" doesn't mean anything, then what can we depend on?  I am not talking about differences in perspective or opinion, by the way…those things happen and we have to take those into account. But, in the Bernie Madoff example Mr. Stewart talks about, Mr. Madoff didn't just lie once…he lied over, and over, and over again, and didn't have any issues with his lack of ethics.  Ok, I know that there are unethical people, but we are talking about documented, repeated lies, for which he should have been caught years before the final decline – but no one was willing to call him to accountability. The result: many people were bilked out of millions and millions of dollars.  That might not have happened if someone had just called him on his lies early on.

Downstream, there are effects on other aspects of society. Why do we require so many contracts? Well, because we can no longer depend on someone's handshake to be their word.  Our kids are learning that the 11th commandment is "Don't Get Caught" but they don't believe lying or cheating is a big deal, evidenced by recent studies that show more than 2/3rds of high school students have cheated on a test.  We can't trust or believe, because we know that people will tell us anything we want to hear just to make inroads, to get out of trouble, or to make themselves into more than they really are.

For me, I don't get it. The truth is SO simple.  If you lie, you are introducing complexity.  You may be lying to cover something you shouldn't have done, but now you have twice the burden to deal with: first the wrong you did, and second the lie you told to cover.  I know there are pathological liars out there…I've been exposed to several, and they are the exception to the rule.  But the "convenient" or "intentional" liars, I don't get because you know from the very first word that you are going to have to track what you say, be sure you repeat it well…and don't forget to learn to trick body language that gives away most liars.

If we can't depend on the "truth," there's not much else we can believe in.  If the leaders of our country can't be depended on, why do we trust them to lead?  If our parents can be honest with their children, is it a wonder that they lie and fib.  When the excuse for the why high-profile individuals make up lies and falsehoods is "because they can get away with it," it's clear that it is OUR job — those people who believe in truth — to make sure they are held accountable to this fundamental truth.

Filed under: Current Events, Leadership, Social Skills and Character Tagged: Barry Bonds, Bernie Madoff, James B. Stewart, lying under oath, Martha Stewart, Rotary, Tangled Webs, The 4-Way Test, truth

Bullies and Bystanders — three years later

This morning I reposted an article that I wrote three years ago on the SocialSmarts Facebook page. This article, entitled "Bullies and Bystanders Beware" was featured on Huffington Post and, as a result, made its way into many different venues, all across the world.

The article was highly acclaimed at the time of its publication, generating hundreds of comments and emails from people all around the globe.  The sentiment was generally the same: "oh, my gosh, we didn't know things had gotten so terrible, something MUST be done."

That was three years ago…

What strikes me, when I reread the article today, is how little progress we've really made in the three years since then. In fact, while awareness of the problem has grown, so has the amount of money spent, laws enacted, and, at the same time, the damage path of anti-social behavior and suicides from bullying.

We may be learning more, but are we doing more, or doing better?  I think the answer is, generally, no.  Our schools are required to have anti-bullying policies in place, but we know, statistically, that most of them haven't done much to stem the tide of hurtful behavior. More states have made bullying a crime, but have those laws actually been shown to reduce bullying?

When I wrote the original article, some of the kids who have made headlines were still alive:  Phoebe Prince, Scott Walz, Christian Taylor, Carl Walker Hoover, Jaheem Herrera, Jesse Logan…since then I've gotten to know some of the parents to varying degrees and I've shared their tragedies. I wonder, if we had done more then, would they still be with us today? Last year alone, we had 34 documented suicides due to bullying, and to date, it appears 2011 will out-pace that.  So much…and so little has changed in three years.

Albert Einstein, a personal hero of mine, is oft-quoted to say that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome." I'd say that this applies to the anti-bullying efforts in general. We are still doing more of the same, in hopes that this will have an effect. More money spent, more "anti-bullying" rallies, more legislation. If we want something different, doesn't it stand to reason that we need to do something different?

But, trying to get people do something different is enormously hard. I recall nearly two years ago watching Ellen DeGeneres interview Sirdeaner Walker about her son's suicide, and at the time, Ellen stopped the interview and asked why we weren't teaching compassion, consideration and respect in each and every school in America, as part of the routine course of education.  I nearly fell out of my chair because that is exactly what SocialSmarts' mission is.  I have since personally followed up with producers from Warner Bros and The Ellen Show numerous times to offer our services to show that Ellen has a point — that if we teach these skills, bullying is drastically reduced, if not eliminated in schools. Yet, each time, the feedback I receive from the show is that they don't "do" these kinds of segments, or that they don't want experts to talk about the issues.  Last Fall, Ellen and a host of other celebrities such as Anderson Cooper, Dr. Phil and Oprah did shows on the epidemic of bullying. But, there wasn't anything different about those programs: it was all about the problem, the tragedy, the call to do something…but nobody talked about what is being done, what can be done now, and what's proven to work. Instead, call for more legislation, more money, more "awareness." Even President Obama's recent pledge of $132M to combat bullying isn't anything new, and really equates to little more than chunk-change when you do the analysis of how that gets allocated to schools. Even when it's distributed, how do you think it will be used?

My point here is that we have to take a different approach to this problem if we are to see change.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again — we need to focus on prevention, not management and mitigation. The problem of bullying is an end-result…it's a symptom of a much larger problem, so if you just focus on that symptom, you are doing too little, too late.  What we've seen in our schools, our neighborhoods, and our communities points to this fact.

If we deal instead with the root cause of the problem by providing effective social skills education and character development, we will nip the problem in the bud. Sure, we'll still have some problems — there will always be exceptions to what is considered appropriate behavior and conduct, but the good news is that they will be exceptions, and not the "normal conduct."  We can then deal with those exceptions with appropriate consequences: discipline policies, procedures, and ultimately, laws. But you can't "law" crime out of existence, and you can't stop bullying by legislating it.

Clearly we can't stop bullying by doing more of what we've done for the past three years, five years, or several decades. At what point do we say, "Let's do something different?" If we don't then, truthfully we are all bystanders who enable the problem to continue.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence Tagged: $132M committment, Anderson Cooper, anti-bullying, bullying, Carl Walker-Hoover, Christian Taylor, Dr. Phil, Ellen de Generes, Huffington Post, Jaheem Herrer, Phoebe Prince, Scott Walz

Manners travel, cultures don't

As many of you know, I travel frequently.  I'm often flying up and down the West Coast, across the country, or, increasingly outside of the US speaking to educators, professionals, parents and students about the importance and impact of social skills, character, and civility. My recent travel to the Bahamas to present to various groups including a joint group of Bahamas' Rotary Presidents is what inspired me to write this post.

Now, before I get into the meat of the discussion, let me say that I'm going to do something here that I normally shy away from: I'm going to make some general observations.  Generalizations tend to cause trouble because, no matter how carefully or diplomatically you say something, when you apply an observation to a general group, someone gets hacked off. So, I will get that out right up front: I'm sure this is going to offend someone and I'll get comments like, "You're saying EVERYONE is like this and it's just not true."  For the record, I am sharing my observations — what I personally saw. I'm not saying everyone is like this; just too many of the people I happened to see. And, that's what inspired me to write this because I know it's not an isolated case.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's continue, shall we?

On this particular trip, I spent about 5 days in the Bahamas, in Nassau.  Now, for many people, it happened to be Spring Break. There were many families, couples, young people about in addition to people there to conduct business, like me.  When I'm out and about, I tend to watch people. I really do like people, and I like to see what they do, if they're having a good time, what their overall demeanor is. But what I observed again on this trip about many of my fellow American citizens really disappointed me: when they travel abroad, they bring their attitudes with them.

Too many times, I saw American travellers behaving in a less-than-decent manner, particularly towards Bahamians.  Whether it was the vacationer at the pool who was treating the waitstaff as though THEY owned the place and the waitstaff were lucky to GET their drink order, or the way shoppers treated people working in the stores with disdain, or even watching American tourists completely ignore a Bahamians smile and "good morning" greeting as they passed in the street — the message seemed to be that WE, the Americans had arrived and we were ready to be served.

Now, I have a very different attitude about "my place" when I travel. Given what I do, I certainly have a much more finely honed radar about what's appropriate behavior or what isn't, I know that.  I also grew up as an "airline brat," so travel to foreign countries was just something we did regularly.  My late father had the attitude that, in order to qualify as a "real" vacation, you had to start with a minimum of five hours of flying time, and, given that all my family lived abroad, we did a lot of international travel.  I have always felt that when I travel out of the US, I am a guest in someone else's country.  I expect that I will adapt to their cultural expectations and norms, not that they somehow have to conform to mine.

For example, consider your mode of dress when  you travel abroad.  There are some countries in which it's just not appropriate to wear shorts so brief that — how can I say this delicately? — your nether "cheeks" are hanging out below the hem.  I don't care how sexy or flirty you think this is, and whether it "works" in LA…it doesn't work in your host country, so it's offensive if you dress this way. Same with the way you might treat service staff in a hotel or resort.  Yes, it is their job to provide you good service, to take care of your needs. But, it is not their job to be talked down to or to be treated like lesser citizens because they are in a service industry when you might be a fancy, big-wig back home. I can guarantee you that you will be much more welcome if you remember in whose "home" you are right now, and treat those who belong their with courtesy, consideration and civility than if run rough-shod through their streets. There is a reason the phrase "you can spot an American by his manners" was created. It wasn't meant as a compliment.

As I said earlier, this doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm not here to get all "high and mighty" about travelers wanting to get away and have a good time. That's not the point. But, when you are abroad, be aware of what is appropriate and accepted in the culture you are visiting, and try to be flexible. As the saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." It doesn't read, "When in Rome, look for the first source for a decent American hamburger, and complain loudly when they don't produce it in 20 seconds or less." People do things differently in different cultures…if you want to "have it your own way," then stay home. When you travel, remember to take your manners with you — courtesy, consideration, respect are universal; they do not require translation.  You'll have a better time while you're there, and will be welcome back for more than just your American dollars, of that you can be sure.

Filed under: Social Skills and Character Tagged: courtesy, manners and culture, manners while traveling, rude Americans

Leadership and the Iceberg

I was recently reading the "Habitudes" study guide by Dr. Tim Elmore and a passage really struck me:

The iceberg represents your leadership. The 10% above the water is your skill. The 90% below the water is your character. It's what's below the surface that sinks the ship.

Isn't that so very true?  I would even take it one step further and say our "action" or our behavior represents that 10% above the water…it's what people see.  And, typically they see what we do, what we say, how we act.  The 90% — that "under the water" part is what drives the action, what motivates the behavior.

Because the character part is such a significant part of who we are, it's important that this part be aligned in such a way that it supports "who" we want to be.  It's been said that character is who we are when no one is looking, and I think it's an appropriate illustration.  "Wrong is wrong" whether someone is there to catch us or not, right?  I mean, some people believe the 11th Commandment is "Don't get caught," but I don't subscribe to that concept. And, I don't think it's a good idea to pass that idea on to our kids who, too often, operate under the idea that they can pull things off without the parents or other grownups knowing about it.  (Consider "anonymous" cyberbullying or via other means, if you have any doubts about what I mean).

But, back to that iceberg. In SocialSmarts, we teach our students more than just behaviors — we teach them the underlying foundations for positive behavior such as respect, consideration, compassion, empathy, trustworthiness and more.  While it's important to teach "skills" for positive interaction and social conduct, it's impossible to teach a student (or adult, for that matter) everything they'll ever need to get along in business and in personal life.  But, if you work on developing positive character development — sometimes referred to the "virtues" — you'll find that you are building strong underpinnings that result in positive behavior.

In contrast, just like the iceberg, if the motivators are not aligned with the desired behaviors, you can run aground on the 90% that's not visible. For example, someone can be well-behaved, charming, charismatic, treat you well on the surface. Yet, if he or she is driven by poor character or intentions, you'll be wrecked by the full force of their negative motivations.  Consider the scores of people tricked by shysters or con-artists out with the latest Ponzi scheme if you doubt what I'm saying.

I don't want to be duped by someone who behaves perfectly proper on the outside, but is a proper jerk on the inside.  I want our kids character and behavior to mesh.

In leadership this is a very critical point to make: you don't want to deal with a fancy facade — you want authentic and genuine.  And, that's where your character comes in. A true leader uses more than just the 10% that's visible to others; he or she is as strong in positive character as in action.  You don't just expect others to "do as I say," but they believe in leading by positive example and effective modeling. That's what differentiates a true leader from a "wanna be."

So the next time you wonder about the importance of character, think of the iceberg. Remember what part was responsible for the wreck of the Titanic — and don't let poor character sink your best efforts.

For more on leadership, social skills and business, check out the acclaimed book "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them: Five SocialSmarts Secrets Today's Business Leaders Need to Stand Out and Be Successful" 

Filed under: Leadership, Social Skills and Character Tagged: character, it's not who you know it's how you treat them, leadership, Tim Elmore

Parents in school worried about time lost in classroom due to handwashing?

Parents of students in Edgewater Elementary School in the Volusia County School District, FL are up in arms about a situation that may cost their children days of instructional time.  Right worry…but the cause of the worry is interesting. It seems there is a child at this school that has a very severe case of peanut allergy, and the school is requiring all students to wash their hands twice a day as well as rinse their mouths out after lunch. Among concerns by parents of this school is that the hygiene practice is taking 10 minutes a day out of the children's educational time.  Parents complain that this adds up to their children losing 3 full days of instructional time each year. And, they are mad! Their children's education is at risk.

Now, I am NOT going to debate the merits and appropriateness of how the school is dealing with a peanut allergy.  It seems the young girls' situation is life-threatening and reasonable measures should be taken to protect her. What cracks me up is this:

Children SHOULD be washing their hands at least twice a day while they are in school. Actually, they should be doing it each and every time they leave the restroom, before meals, etc.  These are elementary school kids, folks — they attract dirt and germs like velcro! Hand-washing should be encouraged, not picketed about.
But, more importantly, we really need to look at the overall "time lost in the classroom issue." These parents are picketing, for crying out loud, over the potential loss of THREE days.  I don't see a SINGLE parent walking the lines wondering why schools continue to allow a "routine" waste of 30 days or more of their children's instructional time each and every year.

I've written and spoken about this extensively already. Just yesterday, I completed the last of a number of presentations to business groups, educators and government officials in Nassau, The Bahamas, about the problems plaguing our school systems. One of the things I shared with them is the tremendous hemorrhaging of time (and corresponding cost and academic achievement) of time lost in the classroom due to discipline and behavior issues.

When repeated studies show that teachers lose, on average, somewhere between 25-50% or more of what should be teaching time managing disruptive and unruly students, we are talking about a loss of 45-90 DAYS out of the typical school calendar year.  Do I see a SINGLE parent out there (well, other than me) raising holy heck about the fact that my child's education is impacted by this issue? And, it happens, not just in one school in Volusia County, Florida, but in virtually every school, in every district, in every state in our nation!! Where is the outrage about this?

Last Spring, at the encouragement of Liv Finne (Washington Policy Center), I produced a research paper that shows the impact to Washington State, in terms of dollars, days and related results, of this problem of unproductive classrooms.  While I have shared this with quite a few lawmakers, education experts, and other "interested parties," I have yet to make this public.  But, what I found to be true in Washington State extends seamlessly to every state in the nation (and, as several people shared with me after the presentations in the Bahamas, they have many of these same issues, too!) It appears, though, that not too many people have done this math.  And, I'm surprised. It HAS to be a serious consideration, both when we consider how our money is being spent (or wasted) and what is impacting student achievement (never mind all the other ancillary effects like absenteeism, teacher attrition, bullying, etc.)

It is a MAJOR problem that it seems only the few and the brave want to tackle.  At SocialSmarts, we have made a committment to donating our program to 1,000 schools across the country because we know schools want to have better outcomes but may not have the money to invest in the programs they need to get them there. We know — and research has proven – that social skills education results in, on average, an 11 percentile point improvement in academic test scores, in part because you improve the productivity of the classroom. If I can help your students see a 43% increase in time-on-task, that may return 30 full DAYS of productive learning time back to that classroom. 

Heck, if I can regain 30 days of instructional time in the classroom, 3 days of hand-washing isn't going to seem as much of a tradeoff as well.  Not to mention, if there is a child in school who has a life-threatening illness, and you are a classmate who learns lessons of compassion, consideration and empathy for the victims' plight, don't you have the opportunity to share a valuable life-lesson?  That 3 days may be hugely valuable, assuming you position it right.

Yes, be upset about 3 days of lost classroom time. Be REALLY upset about 30 days or more of lost classroom time. Be even MORE upset about the lost learning opportunities we have in coupling both life lessons and respectful classrooms because, whether you realize it or not, they are really one and the same.

And, the time lost here is NOT peanuts.

Filed under: Current Events, Social Skills and Character Tagged: Edgewater Elementary, peanut allergy, time lost in the classroom, unproductive classrooms, Volusia County School District