Corinne A. Gregory's Blog, page 10

Youth violence: "Monkey see, monkey do?"

A recent statistic crossed my desk that made me pause.  What was even more telling than the data itself was how I came across it — my eldest daughter shared it with me.

Did you know that the average American child sees about 200,000 acts of violence on TV by the time they reach age 18?

Say, WHAT?????

Two HUNDRED THOUSAND acts of violence. On TV alone.  Never mind video games, movies in theaters, and sadly, for many children, "real life." That comes to more than 11,000 "views" each year, or roughly 31 each and every DAY.

Is it any wonder that our kids are becoming desensitized to violence and anti-social behavior?

I know there have been studies linking video games to increases in violent behavior in our youth, but I don't think I've seen one based on TV violence.  And, what about anti-social behavior, in general?  Most bullying, for example, doesn't fall into the category of "youth violence" but we certainly know that there's been an increase in that sort of behavior in the past 20-40 years.  I'd like to see what the increases in student anti-social behavior is mapped against the increase of "negative imaging" (let me call it that) on TV.

Maybe one of you readers has a source to point me to? 

Certainly we know that what we are exposed to repeatedly tends to become a new norm of sorts. As a personal example, the first time I watched "ER" on TV, my heart was racing, I was close to horrified at how real and intense it all was. I swore I would never be able to see it again. But, I did…and over time, I not only became comfortable with the images and storylines, I became a fan.

Imagine what impact TV violence has on our children, who are little sponges, literally soaking up what they see and hear — for good or for bad. Young children who see violence and anti-social behavior repeatedly will certainly come to see this type of conduct as "normal," if not acceptable, even.  Our young children don't even possess the ability, early on, to differentiate between real life and fantasy so it becomes an even bigger deal for them when they are exposed to violence on TV.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude or idealist that says we can completely isolate our kids from what's going on in the real world. But I do think we have a choice when it comes to what they are exposed to as an "optional" activity. I've written previously about the problems with many types of programming on cable or regular TV, so I think that strictly limiting "programmed" TV may be reasonable if the networks and studios don't change the shows they create and promote.

Ultimately, it's up to every parent or caregiver to do what's right for their kids and their family. But I think the statistics show a worrisome trend that we need to consider when we are concerned about the rise of anti-social and violent behavior in our kids.  We know our kids learn best from modeling — we really need to think about what it is they are seeing modeled 200,000 times in their formative years.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Early Childhood Education Tagged: bullying, kids and violent behavior, kids exposed to violence, TV violence, youth violence

"Peace on Earth?" – How 'bout Peace in the Parking Lot?

'Tis the season to be jolly.  Or at least, so the song goes.

It's the holiday season, so while we hear "Peace on Earth" from all sides — on the radio, on TV, from advertising — what has happened to the "goodwill toward men?"

Truly, in the season of joy and light, many people are ruder than ever.  I don't think it's just the "Bah, humbugs" of the world, either.  For many people, this is a rough time of year. I don't mean for those people you would expect be having it tough: the homeless, the indigent, those who are separated from loved ones, either temporarily — through military service, by geographical or emotional distance, — or permanently by divorce or death.  I'm talking about "ordinary" folks who find this time of year particularly stressful for ordinary reasons.

There are many factors, I believe, that contribute to the holiday stress. The deadline of "things to accomplish before the big day/night/nights," such as shopping, making lists and checking them twice, spending more than we're comfortable, worrying about travel plans or time with challenging relatives.  I know there are pressures; I feel them, too.

But does that give us the right to be particularly snappish or rude to others? I mean, the mad frenzy to grab a special gift when the doors open at the mall, or the hateful looks you get in the parking lot if you happened to score a spot (or what about the people who snag them right under you!)  – I wonder if anyone has done a study on the increase in numbers of accidents in retail parking lots this time of year because of people rushing around and not paying attention?

What happened to the holiday cheer?  Have the holidays become just another candy-wrapper and ribbon occasion, to be lauded in public but dreaded in private?

I certainly hope not.  The holiday season — regardless of which one(s) you celebrate — is about hope, about love, about harmony.  In fact, if you only "believe" in the secular concept of Christmas, it's still about sharing with friends and family, of getting together, of enjoying one another.  So why, during this time, is it so difficult to get outside ourselves and our own pressures and worries, and focus on spreading a little warmth, kindness and care?

How about a few simple ideas:  next time you're shopping for a gift at a store, go out of your way to be nice to the clerk. Compliment him or her on their hard work — it's tough to be in retail during the holidays with all the craziness workers have to deal with. Or, take a moment to thank the UPS delivery person or Postal Carrier — they are lugging as much mail as Santa these days.  Hold the door open for someone loaded down with packages and wish them a heartfelt "Happy Holiday" as they pass by.  I just had a store clerk wish me a "Merry Christmas" as I was finished paying and I was so surprised! I managed to smile and say "Thank you" but I was nearly shocked. (Ok, I know you think that person was taking a risk because "Merry Christmas" isn't exactly PC, but I've already written about that in a previous post).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as nephew Fred admonishes his Uncle Ebenezer Scrooge about "keeping Christmas well," what they mean is to keep Christmas in your heart.  And, you can certainly substitute any holiday custom or belief for "Christmas," as you desire.  The idea is the same — peace to mankind, belief in a world of light and love, the goal to share prosperity and kindness, particularly to those who have none.  And if that means going an extra mile to be extra nice, even when others are rushed and harried, well, isn't that what this holiday is about?

To quote a phrase from a popular song, "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."  I'm not responsible for other people's actions, but I am responsible for mine. Let's make it a goal to spread a little extra joy and goodwill toward our fellow man, not just this holiday season, but all throughout the year.

Filed under: Current Events, Social Skills and Character Tagged: bah humbug, Christmas Shopping, Dickens, good will toward men, holiday stress, holiday wishes, materialsm, Peace on Earth, rude shoppers, Scrooge

Character Counts – Rotary's 4-Way Test in Action (Part II)

Several weeks ago, I embarked on the first of this two-part series of posts, which intended to show how Rotary International's 4-Way Test is mapped directly to key character traits…or social skills…necessary for personal and professional success. This is part of the presentation I do across the country, sharing the Rotary-specific version of my speech entitled "Overcoming Failure to Educate."

In the first post, I took a look at the first two statements of the 4-Way Test.  As a refresher, these are:

Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?

Today, I'd like to take a look under the hood of the second two statements, and see not only what character traits they represent, but also how they connect with the first two to form a cohesive whole.  As I recently had the opportunity to share with a fellow Rotarian, the statements of the 4-Way Test are not meant to be used as independent "factoids" for assessment.  While we might be able to evaluate one situation against the statement "Is it the TRUTH?" and come up with a "yes," it's also possible that something may be true, yet fail another statement such as "Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER friendships?" In that case, the situation, as a whole, will fail to pass the assessment of the 4-Way Test. (Want a quick example?  Ok…here's one: your spouse asks you the immortal question "Does this outfit make me look fat?"  Depending on how you answer, you may be telling the TRUTH, but you can bet your bottom dollar that answer won't be building any GOODWILL, right? Not only does your answer fail the 4-Way Test, but it's an epic fail!)

Having established that, what say we go on to statements three and four?

These next two statements are:

Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER friendships?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

Let's look at Point #3 – Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER friendships? This involves a complex series of character traits, and, like the 4-Way Test itself, need to work together to work properly. These character traits are empathy, caring, kindness and respect.  You have to have the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes (Empathy) to properly evaluate whether something you say or do will have a positive impact.  "How would I like it if someone said/did that to me?" Also, you have you CARE about the effects of your actions on the other person, which means you have to CARE about the other person in the first place.  Caring also involves respect. Respect and caring causes you to act with kindness which is why, in the previous example I gave you, you may believe, in truth, that the outfit does make your spouse look chunky, but kindness, respect and caring are what keep you from being so tactless and hurtful to say it in just that way.  Empathy — knowing how you'd feel if someone was that blunt with you about those few extra "love handles" — also keeps us from saying things that can have a negative effect on our relationships with others.

Now, that brings us to Point #4 — Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned? In some ways we come full circle because once again we are talking about fairness as we did in analyzing Point #2. But we are also using character traits of consideration and cooperation.  Consideration means "with continuous and careful thought."  Again, if you care about others, their opinions, and the impact we have on them with what we say and do, we have to be diligent and "careful" with those thoughts and actions.

Cooperation is a big one.  If you look at the definitions for the word, it has two meanings: 1) to participate or assist in a joint effort to accomplish an end; 2) to form or enter into an association that furthers the interests of its members. In other words, "Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?"

And there's one little, miniscule word that I think is hugely important in this last statement and that's "all." Those three simple letters means that this test must be applied to everyone, at all times.  Not just those people we think we can benefit from knowing or working with. Not just the people we like. Not just those who can offer us something, but everyone, all the time.  The 4-Way Test is universal. If you are a true Rotarian, it is your code of conduct, no matter what you are doing or where.

And that's the beauty of a Universal Truth. It's in play all the time. Like I explained to the other Rotarian, you can just pick and choose which Points of the 4-Way Test you want to apply to a given situation.  Because, if you do so, you can past one or two points, but break others, and that is a violation of the 4-Way Test in total.

I had to apply the 4-Way Test just today to something I was considering doing tomorrow.  I was planning to attend a meeting where, while I was invited and had every right to attend, my presence there would have only served as a huge, visible reminder to the organizer of a horrendous injustice she'd done someone in the past few months. I would have served as the walking personification of her sneakiness and unethical behavior.  While I would have also hoped to be considered as an active resource to this group, the likelihood of that was slim because of the organizer's way of doing business. So, as it turns out, the only "legitimate" reason for my going would be to make her justifiably uncomfortable.  And, if you apply the 4-Way Test, would have passed on two points, — it was true, it was fair, — but would have failed the last two. It would not have resulted in any goodwill or improved friendships, and it certainly wouldn't have been beneficial to "all."  The organizer would not have benefitted from my appearance at all. So, I'm not going.  Instead, I'll focus on more positive endeavors, ones that are productive and beneficial, and I'll leave the potential conflict alone.

I believe that is the spirit of the 4-Way Test. To stop and think, to evaluate what we are about to say and do before we take action and consider the effects of those words and deeds on others.  As Rotarians, we have the ability to positively impact so many people and circumstances. But we also have the ability to do great harm and hurt, if we forget our roots and charter.

Like our character and our social skills, the 4-Way Test is the guidepost for who we are and how we conduct ourselves, no matter what else we are doing.  Unlike our meetings, there's no "makeup" for life. Let's be the very best we can be, each and every day, with "all" with whom we concern ourselves. That, my friends, is how we succeed in "Building Communities and Bridging Continents."

Yours in Rotary,

Corinne Gregory

 (A student-version of the analysis of the 4-Way Test can be found both in the SocialSmarts Exploring the Virtues I curriculum as well as in the book It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them, Copyright 2010, All rights reserved.  For more information on the book visit www.itsnotwhoyouknowitshowyoutreatthem.com)

Filed under: Leadership Tagged: 4-Way Test, Character Counts, overcoming failure to educate, Rotary International, speaker for business and education

Surviving the Office Holiday Party

It's that time a year again, when we start feasting and celebrating the holidays, the end of the year, and more.  While this holds true for us personally, many of us will also be celebrating within our offices or attending external business-related holiday functions. 

As I write in my latest book, "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them: Five SocialSmarts Secrets Today's Business Leaders Need to Stand Out and Be Successful,

"..this is "one area in which social and business can become a dangerous mix. Many people forget that, while it is meant to be a social situation, it is still within the context of business.  We've all heard stories of the intoxicated employee who takes a photocopy of his hindquarters during the office celebration. But there are many less-obvious ways to go wrong when business and social are mixed in a party scenario."

So, with that in mind, here are some tips you can use to sail through your next office celebration.

Remember at all times and in all circumstances that this is a business function. What this means is that you should never say or do anything during the office party that you wouldn't in the broad fluorescent light of the business day. Stifle the urge to share off-color or otherwise inappropriate jokes or gossip about higher-ups or co-workers.
Keep in mind that, no matter what you are doing, someone may we watching or overhearing you.  As I say in the book, "What happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas if "Vegas" is the office party."
Be particularly careful if alcohol is being served, as it often is.  If you do plan to drink, be careful — and not just because you may be driving afterwards.  There is a great deal of wisdom in the phrase "In Vino Veritas" (in wine there is truth), and alcohol can lower your normal inhibitions which can lead to embarrassing or even career-fatal moments.
Another point about alcohol: beware of others perceptions. You may be drinking completely responsibly, but someone may have a different perception.  You may even be steering clear of drinking, but if you are in a group that has been imbibing and they get careless with their words or actions, it can reflect negatively on you as well.
Be sure to mingle. You don't want to be seen sticking to only one person or group the whole evening, regardless of how tempting it may be to hang with your normal crowd.
Before you take your leave at the end of the event, make a point to thank the organizer(s) if this is practical.  If it's a small party or a small group, be sure to express your gratitude to your boss or whoever the host is. Too many people skip out at the end of the party without stopping to share a word of appreciation to the people who arranged it.  The simple act of saying thank you and goodbye can leave a positive and lasting impression.
Finally, although you may be tempted to just forego the office party because it's too much of a hassle, or you don't like being social with your co-workers, think before you decline.  As I share,

 "that decision can make or cripple your career.  Deciding to pass on an invitation to attend could be interpreted as elitism, or proof of your unwillingness to be part of the group. If you have a legitimate conflict, that's fine. But being labeled as a consistent no-show can have a negative effect on your image."

It's always important to be an active participant in your business' environment, and for many organizations, being able to be social in a business context is valuable.  Show that you can handle yourself positively and you may find it can be the difference between gaining the corner office or a lifetime in a cubicle.

Happy holidays to you and enjoy the feasts as the fall, one and all! I wish you every success now and in the coming year

—

For more tips on effective social skills for business leaders, join our discussions on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/itsnotwhoyouknowitshowyoutreatthem

(Excerpts above are all from the book It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them, Copyright 2010, All rights reserved.  For more information on the book visit www.itsnotwhoyouknowitshowyoutreatthem.com)

Filed under: Current Events, Leadership, Social Skills and Character Tagged: business etiquette and manners, it's not who you know it's how you treat them, mixing business and social, social skills for business leaders, surviving the office party

How to tame the bullying "dragon"

This weekend, I had the opportunity to watch "How to Tame Your Dragon" again with my kids.  We had enjoyed the movie when it came out in theaters, so when it was released on DVD I had to get a copy for home use.  If you haven't seen it, I can strongly recommend it. The Dreamworks folks put together a very engaging, winsome movie with great visuals and a great story line, based on the book by Cressida Cowell.

The movie was over and I was buttoning down the house for the night when it hit me. THIS movie is a perfect metaphor for what's working and what isn't in the "world" of bullying.  Let me explain:

"Dragon" takes place in the mythical town of Berk where the Viking residents must continually take vigil and do battle against hordes of dragons that attack the village, make off with livestock, and generally wreak havoc. There are many different dragons, each more awful and damaging than the next.  The entire town's existence is about fighting the dragons and every young teen Viking's destiny is to learn how to be a dragonslayer.

Except for one.  Our hero is named Hiccup, and, unfortunately for him, he's the son of the village Chieftain. Hiccup doesn't fit in with the other teens who are training to be dragonslayers, so he devises a weapon intended to bring down the mightiest and wiliest of the dragons so that he can pass initiation and earn the respect of the village and his father.

His plan almost works; he disables a Night Fury, the most feared and elusive of all the dragons, where the handbook advises "Kill on sight."  But when he tries to slay the Night Fury in a final show of bravery, he finds he can't do it.  He can't inflict violence on this creature, and so, instead, he starts a process that leads him to understand what the dragons are all about, to learn why they are pillaging the village each night.  In the process he learns that the dragons are victims of their own: another more hideous "enemy" lives in the mountain to where the dragons travel, and the villager's livestock the dragons carry away are merely the offerings the dragons must make continually to keep the marauding enemy satisfied and quiet.

The parallels between this movie and anti-bullying and what SocialSmarts is doing really struck me…

Just like the villagers who spend so much time, energy and resources fighting the dragons, we have been doing the same trying to subdue the bullying "dragons" in our schools and communities
Yet, regardless of how much effort the Vikings expended, or what tools they came up with to wage war, there were always more dragons…
It wasn't until Hiccup tried a different approach, one of getting to know the dragons, learning what motivated them, and then understanding why they did what they did — getting to the root of the "problem" causing the dragons to be so destructive — that they made progress.  In fact, through his different way of looking at things and addressing the problem, Hiccup was able to turn the dragons from foes into friends.

The fighting Vikings represent our traditional "anti-bullying" solutions — programs and policies that try to strike down the problems once they occur.  Hiccup and his approach represent pro-social skills education – a way of identifying the root cause of the problem and addressing it at its core.  Poor social skills and character development is the Monster Beast in the mountain, which, until it was eliminated, the problem of destructive dragons would continue to plague the village day after day.

I don't think Dreamworks produced this movie with this specific message in mind, but it's a fabulous way to communicate it, particularly now when bullying and other anti-social behavior and the destructive effects are in daily evidence.  "Dragon" may be a great way to share with even young children the message of how learning to understand your "enemy" is an effective way to break down the barriers that divide you. In the movie, the dragons  became terrific helpers and resources to the villagers once they were able to get along and cooperate, and, as a result, both the village and the dragons thrived.

As we have seen, not enough positive results have come out of our traditional anti-bullying approaches, but we have seen that consistent, continuous pro-social skills efforts not only eliminate bullying in the schools that have adopted them, but also show other positive results such as improved morale for both staff and students, and increased test scores. It's a different approach, but one that has numerous advantages over the continual fight to manage and mitigate bullying once it's occurred.

I guess the moral of the story can be summed up this way: the dragons of Berk continued to be a problem until one visionary chose to look at the dragon, not as a born enemy, but as a fellow creature of nature. He went from fear to tolerance to acceptance and, finally, friendship. And, when all the Vikings made a conscious effort to be on the same side, peace reigned.

…and they lived happliy ever after.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Social Skills and Character Tagged: Cressida Cowell, Dreamworks, How to Tame Your Dragon, school bullying

Worry: increasing "popularity" of bullycide?

Yesterday afternoon, when I wrote the post about Cassidy Andel, I thought we only had 30 bullying suicides that we knew of..that had been documented. This morning already it appears we have one more.  Just as it was last Spring, it's feeling like "Another Day, Another Bullying Death."

But this latest rash of deaths has me even more worried.  It appears that there are not only more of them, but they are coming in clusters. Maybe it's because we are more sensitive to the issue and it's more on the forefront of our minds, but I'm concerned we are starting to see this epidemic take on a different trend…

And that is, that the kids see these bullying suicides and think "Hey, that's an easy way out for me. No one is doing anything to help me anyway, so this is a way to make the pain stop."

I realize this topic has loads of potential for mis-interpretation so let me tread carefully and try to explain.  In many cases these kids have endured months, even years, of horrific bullying.  In some cases, it's cyberbullying, in others it's the low-tech kind.  And, I know that many experts will argue that these kids had some sort of underlying pathology (whether physiological or psychological/emotional) that already pre-disposed them to suicidal tendencies.  I'm not going to comment on that because I am not an expert in this area.

What I do know is that each of these young people felt powerless to stop the bullying, they felt they weren't getting adequate help, and they had no expectation that it was going to get any better.

When these kids finally take steps to end the bullying — and their lives — the result is a kind of martyrdom. Their pictures are splashed in the media; often vigils are held in their memory.  Their deaths galvanize so many of us and there is significant widespread outcry about the horrific circumstances that brought us all to this place.

In no way do I mean this all to be conscious "publicity-seeking" on the parts of the victims, but it is a predictable aftermath of the suicide — particularly if the victim was "driven" to it by bullying. For the teen or younger child who thinks there's nothing better left for them, perhaps they feel that "At least they'll be sorry when I"m gone."

I don't want kids to see this as a way out.  I want them to know that we are working to keep them safe, to make this stop.  I don't think that a message of "It Gets Better" is going to be of much solace to a child who is being mercilessly picked on or hounded to the point of suicide. They'll look at our President and many other celebs who are saying "It Gets Better" and they'll think "yeah, easy for YOU to say."  And the reality is, "it" isn't going to miraculously get better on its own.  The phrase itself is so passive — it implies that there's no action required, that "it" will just somehow solve itself.

With 31 deaths (it's likely already gone up as I write this), on the books already, we know "it" isn't getting any better. The clock is ticking, and with it another child who is debating whether there's any hope or if this is "all there is."

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Current Events Tagged: "It Gets Better", bullycide, bullying suicides, Cassidy Andel, copycat suicides, cyberbullying

Thirty documented bullycides – when is it "enough?"

So, over the weekend, on the heels of "celebrating" what would have been Christian Taylor's 17th birthday, came news of another tragedy.  Cassidy Andel, a 16 years old at Griggs County Central High School near Bismarck, ND, committed suicide last week. Early indicators show this was a case of cyberbullying.

So, that brings the body count to 30.  Thirty documented cases of bullying suicides in the last 7 weeks. And those are only the ones we know about.  I suspect there are many more.

Reading the news sucked the life out of me this weekend.  I guess I should be a little less emotional about it — after all, my entire business is about preventing tragedy, but that means that tragedy has to exist in order for it to need preventing.

But what's hard is the "reaction" to these incidents.  People at the school are already scrambling to put better cyberbullying task forces in place. They plan to put up posters and to wear blue wristbands as a sign of safety. Good…awareness is good. But, it is a largely helpless response; posters and wristbands matter little to people who think it's ok or even good sport to taunt, harass, or humiliate other people whether in person or through technology.

We need to solve this problem at its source and again, as typical, I see little movement in that direction.

As an indicator of how pressing this topic is becoming, the volume of requests to have me speak at schools has increased dramatically in the last few weeks, even. I am pleased and happy to do it, but I make a point of saying "while this is good and you'll learn  , there MUST be more." No "one-time" shot is going to cure this disease.  I may be able to share some very life-changing information about the causes and effects of bullying, what we've been doing, how well it does (or doesn't) work, and what will make a difference. But, at the end of the day, it's what we do with that info that actually makes the difference.  Don't just listen — take action.  Do more than absorb the information, transform that learning into doing. And, really investigate what is effective, because so much time, money and energy is being wasted on things that have been proven over time to make little-to-no difference.

As Mark Mason of the Mark & Dave Show asked me last week during the nearly hour-long live interview in the KEX 1190 studio asked me "do you ever get depressed."  Well, yes, Mark, I do. I get depressed when I get so many calls during the interview of stories of children being bullied. I get depressed when I hear of another young life ended.  I get depressed when people's responses are about putting up posters or enacting another law…because we know those things don't stop the bullies.

But, I have to believe that there will come a time where people ask the next logical question: if THIS doesn't work, what else can we do? And, then, as now, I stand ready to help. In the meantime, more schools are seeing that pro-social skills education is the ticket to solving bullying in their schools and fix a bunch of other issues too.  We're not at the Tipping Point yet..but I have got to believe that day will come.

I hope Kevin Jennings is keeping track of the bodies and will soon come to that point where he's asking that important question, too.  When you're ready, Mr. Deputy Secretary, we'll be waiting on the callback your office still owes us:425 485 4089 for your convenience. Let's save some lives together, shall we?

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Current Events Tagged: bullying in schools, Cassidy Andel, Christian Taylor, cyberbullying death, Griggs County Cental High School, Kevin Jennings, North Dakota bullycide

The birthday that should have been happy

Today is a very special day — a child's birthday is always special.  Eagerly anticipated, impossible to overlook.  Usually it's accompanied by happy thoughts, celebrations, balloons and ice cream.

It's supposed to be a time of joy…but that's not possible when the child whose birthday it is cannot celebrate. Christian Taylor would be 17 today, but he took his own life last May, the final straw after a long bout with bullying.

In the last several weeks, I've had the chance to get to know his mother, Lisa Williams.  Our connection came as a result of a post I wrote last June in which I mentioned him and several other victims.  I was literally on my way to the airport for my recent trip to Washington DC when Lisa called our office…and I picked up.  I spent the next 40 minutes or so talking to her as I drove to the airport. When she heard of my efforts to meet with Kevin Jennings while in DC, she even offered to help connect us because she had received a personal call from Secretary Jennings just the week before.  Unfortunately, all our efforts to get that meeting scheduled were wasted; to this day, there's been no response to multiple phone calls, faxes and mail from Mr. Jennings' office. (ironically, Mr. Jennings was in the KEX Radio studio Monday, just two days before my live interview yesterday…talking about bullying and the increased emphasis on the problem by the federal government).

As I sit and write this, I realize how long I've been talking about bullycide and the tragic aftermath it leaves. As I shared in a speech I gave in Portland, OR yesterday, we've had over 29 documented cases of suicides due to bullying just in the last 6 weeks alone.  And, note those are only the documented cases, so the actual number is likely higher.

I wonder, what would Christian's birthday have been like were he still here?  An avid skateboarder, no doubt he would have spent time riding his board, doing tricks.  Perhaps there would have been a family celebration — maybe a dinner, maybe Lisa would have served some of his favorite foods.  Maybe mom would have let him skip class, for a "special occasion" or maybe there would have been a cake.  While the living Christian may have been too old for balloons, there'll be plenty of balloons tomorrow released in his memory.  I wish I could be there to celebrate his life, perhaps lend some comfort to his mother and the rest of his family, learn more about this young man I never met in life, but am becoming so familiar with in death.

It's natural to think of Christian as the victim in this case, and make no mistake, he certainly is.  But, as I've written before, the "immediate target" isn't the only victim.  That's one thing I've come to see very directly and very clearly. Christian had an entire family who has had to spend the last five months coming to terms with his unnatural death.  And they've had to deal with the aftermath: pain, suffering, trying to come to terms with what happened and why, and the consequences of the bullying — personally as well as through the legal system.

The entire family must go through the process — not just the grieving, but the fallout from what happens now because of one or more individuals who thought their rights and needs were more important and pressing than the right and needs of another. Whether the bully "meant it" or not, the end result is this: one life is over before it even really began, and entire communities are impacted, suffering, and dealing with this needless, tragic event.

Most of us don't think about the "collateral damage" when we hear of bullying or bullycide. But we should. Last week, I received this note from Christian's brother William about what he is going through because of this tragedy.  I've edited it just minimally to show quotes where they belong, but the rawness of his statements speak volumes:

My feeling are when I get up for school now I hope to see his face,but don't. I dream alot about me and him boarding on the rail and skatebox out back the house. I really wish he [the bully] could feel the pain we are going through; then he would go back and say "Dang, now I know how much that hurts." I think if bullies were able to experience how much hurt my family is feeling they would think for a minute, "God, I really hurt them."

I also sometimes see Chris when I close my eyes saying, "I'm sorry man" and "I love you, bro" and at that point I just want to sit in a corner and cry until I fall asleep.

I really hate experiencing this death and I would like to express my feelings to him (the bully) and see how he reacts to my natural pain and anger.

Rest in Peace Christian William Michael Taylor

Love, Your lil brother 4ever,

William

For my own "wish" I would say, "Christian, you may be gone, but you are not forgotten."  His death, along with so many others I've come to learn and know about are the reason I — and many others — fight this fight. Because this death not only didn't need to happen, it shouldn't have. We must make keeping our kids safe and secure a priority — it's more important than making sure we equip our schools with computers and fancy technology.  None of the nearly $5B of Race to the Top money went to school safety or bullying prevention.  Nothing went to addressing children's social skills, character and values or giving teachers a better way to manage discipline and behavior problems.

Perhaps, if, as Ellen de Generes called for in one of her shows last Spring, we focused on teaching empathy, compassion, kindness and respect in schools as part of what else kids are learning, we might not have such an epidemic.  We may not be mourning 29 deaths this Fall alone.  Maybe that's the wish we should all make on this, Christian's 17th birthday so that kids won't miss their next birthday because of a bully.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Current Events Tagged: "Race to the Top", bullycide, bullying in schools, Christian Taylor, Kevin Jennings, KEX, Lisa Williams, Mark Harmon

Negative campaign ads disrespect voters

I don't know about you, but I'm getting very sick of all the negative political campaign ads.  Here we are, about a week away from elections across the country, and you can't go more than five minutes without seeing some nasty ad on TV, hearing candidates slam each other on the radio, or be exposed to another special interest group blathering on about how voting for Candidate X is a vote against women, minorities, workers, families…

Does it really have to be this way?

I know it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and this is all par for the course. But, it's ugly.  I think it's unnecessary. The political mud-slinging and last-minute "let's dig out the dirt" is certainly showing a lack of respect toward the other candidates in the race, but I say it's worse than that. It's actually disrespectful to us, the voters.

Because these campaigns seem to focus on what is wrong with the other candidate, it's like saying we, as voters, don't have enough common sense to make up our own minds. So, when Candidate Y is drumming up negative ads that talk about how Candidate X is pro-life, and stating this means he wants to take away a woman's control of her body and life is not only an attack against the candidate, it implies we women are somehow not intelligent enough or savvy enough to check out the candidate's record and position on our own. And, when Candidate X slams back at the negative ads posted by Candidate Y, the motive is "let's pile higher and deeper and SHOW why you can't trust Candidate Y's ads against ME because Candidate Y is an even BIGGER liar."

Ok, but we all know that many of the candidates themselves don't put out these ads….but their "supporters" do. So, one could rationalize that it's not the Candidate's actual mud-slinging…it's the special interests groups or those "supporters" who want to make sure the American People get the "facts."  Well and good…but how many times to you hear at the end of these ads, "I'm Candidate Y and I approved this message." So, Candidate Y, you may not have put out the money to produce and air the ad, but you sure as heck have endorsed it. Guilt by commission.

We have so come to expect this garbage during political season that I think the campaign managers think it's the only way to operate. If we don't do "negative campaigning" then we can't compete.  I would argue a different position. As I talk about in my book, "It's Not Who You Know, It's How You Treat Them," we have become so accustomed to the rude, crude and indifferent in this world that those individuals and organizations who are practicing respect and fairness toward others are actually standing out.  Imagine if you took this concept to the political world: Candidate Z refuses, as part of his/her position, to engage in negative campaigning tactics. I know this seems a ridiculous position for me to take because everyone is screaming — "it'll never happen. The other Candidates would eat us alive if we didn't fight back."

I don't think so. If a Candidate truly stuck to what's good about his/her platform, what he/she has done that is effective, taking ownership for past mistakes and stuck to the facts — in an objective way — when addressing the shortcomings of the other candidate, I think Candidate Z would rise head and shoulders over the competition.  We want things to be fair and if Candidate X or Y is busy being the usual negative, "anti-respect" campaigner that they usually are, yet Candidate Z refuses to engage in the BS…well, I think the results would be eye-opening.

And, as far as "sponsored" ads are concerned, Candidate Z makes it clear there is no "endorsement" of those types of messages.  "We play fair" could be the rallying point. We know from polls that Americans are tired of the negative, ugly ads…so why not try a tactic that shows how the Candidate listens and responds to what they hear.

I know this may seem naive, but I think it's a strategic advantage. Let all the juveniles continue their scrapping and back-biting in the political sandbox…meanwhile, Candidate Z shows self-control, self-discipline and treats even his/her nasty opponents with civility and respect.

That, my friends, would be CHANGE. And it's high-time we took steps to get there. We might even find, that in a true arena of even competition and fairness, that voters would be more willing to cast their ballots because they finally feel someone is wiling to talk about issues, answer questions and let the voters decide, instead of trying to win by out-assassinating other's character and position.

Filed under: Current Events, Leadership, Social Skills and Character Tagged: Election 2010, it's not who you know it's how you treat them, negative campaigning, political mudslinging, respect in a political campaign

Dear Secretary Jennings — You have a problem…

…and I'd like to help you with it.

I am presently in Washington DC speaking to a number of groups about the problems in education and how to fix them.  When I knew I was coming "to town," I sent a meeting request to Assistant Deputy Secretary Kevin Jennings' office. For those of you who don't know who Kevin Jennings is, he heads up the Safe and Drug Free Schools office as well as the Character Education groups in the Department of Education.

I received no response to the letter meeting request.  Nor did we receive any acknowledgement or response to multiple follow-up phone calls that were may by my office, my representatives or other folks who knew of my visit and had connections to Mr. Jennings' office.

I know Mr. Jennings is terribly busy…and I can understand why.

After all, there have been at least TWENTY-SEVEN deaths due to bullying/bullying suicides in just the last five weeks.  And those are only the ones that have been documented. Clearly, he has a lot to deal with.

I'm hoping that at some point, I'll be able to make a connection with him because I think what I could share with him would be of interest.  How about stopping bullying at the same time we increase test scores — and with an approach that is self-funding and can be done within current time constraints? What if it had strong community support? What if low-income and minority kids could be some of the strongest beneficiaries?

What if, instead of Waiting for Superman, Mr. Jennings could be a hero NOW?

All within reality…I'm just waiting for that callback Mr. Secretary and I'd be happy to share what is not only possible, but proven.  For your convenience, you can reach me at 425.485.4089.  We will call you back, too…we promise.

Please call before 27 bullying deaths turn into 30/50/100 or more. It's only a matter of time at this rate.

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Current Events Tagged: bullying suicides, Kevin Jennings, Safe and Drug Free Schools, Waiting for Superman