Corinne A. Gregory's Blog, page 5

The Importance of "Doing"

Last week I finished presenting "Overcoming Failure to Educate" for a group of business folks. While I'm used to getting positive comments and feedback each time I share this talk, something new happened this time: several people requested a copy of the final quote I offer at the end of the presentation.

Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.

-  William Arthur Ward

Now, I have added the bolding both in my presentation and here on the words that represent action to make a point: good ideas and intentions are one thing, but change doesn't happen by itself.  We have to DO.

I know that may seem obvious, but it's funny how often the "do" doesn't get done. Let me give you another example.  Do you remember about 5 years or so ago when "The Secret" became the big runaway best seller?  Everyone was talking about how our intentions drive electrical/cosmic energy so that the forces align to give us what we most desire (hey, isn't that how Captain Jack Sparrow's compass works, too, in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" series of movies?).  So, naturally, there were hordes of people sitting in their living rooms, or building their vision boards, and thinking, "Ok...it's gonna come."  But, there's a problem with that. I don't know of anyone who actually had a million dollars drop into their laps simply because they focused a bunch of mental energy on it. True, they may have had to put their attitudes in line with their objectives in order to be prepared for gaining that million dollars, but a massive check didn't just sail into their mailboxes just because they "put it out there!"

 

Here's another example I'm sure many of you can relate to.  Have you ever attended a workshop or a seminar and have gained a TON of new knowledge that you know is going to dramatically affect your business or your life?  You're so full of energy and great intentions during the session...but how many of you actually implement the things you've learned? Then, when things don't change afterwards, you think you've just attended "another worthless class that promised miracles but delivered nothing."

I see this, too, when I give my presentations about how to improve our school systems by looking at the root cause of the problems rather than applying bandaids to the end-symptoms. So many people tell me that these programs are so needed by every school in the country, or they promise to have me come present to their local school board, or they talk about how they can sponsor a school in their area.  But, devil being in the details, it rarely comes to pass -- because only about 20% actually DO. It's natural: we get busy, things happen and we put it off until a better time.  Next thing we know, it's either forgotten or buried under the normal course of life.

So, how do we break that cycle?  Well, again, it's simple, but maybe not easy.  Take a step.  It doesn't have to be the whole enchilada right away. It's like the old saying about how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time!  Do something. If  you have attended a seminar and came away with some great ideas, pick one -- and DO it.  If you have a new cause you want to get involved in, but aren't sure what's involved, well, make a phonecall, send an email. ASK. Take action.

It's all about changing energy and direction. Remember from High School physics that "bodies in motion tend to remain in motion; bodies at rest tend to remain at rest?"  Well, same is true of "change."  Change doesn't occur from inertia. Schools won't change if they continue to do the same things over and over.  You won't become more successful by sitting in your living room and intending it to happen.  You won't grow as a person just by thinking about it. You have to DO.

And, because generally only 20% of people actually DO, if you're in that minority, you'll see things happen in your life that others can only wonder at.

In my case, I point out how everyone is whining and complaining about how bad bullying is in schools, or how uncivil our world has become, or how rude businesses are. I could have been one of the majority of people who talks about it, but instead I decided to DO something about it. And that "DO" has changed my entire life.  Hopefully I've been able to help a few other children and adults change their lives as well. That's the power and purpose of action; to make good things happen. Before the end of the day, I challenge you to find something that can make a positive change in your life or in the lives of others around you...and DO it.  I'd love to hear how that worked out for you!

 

Find out more about "Overcoming Failure to Educate" and how it may change your school or community.

 

Magazine Chronology: Art imitates life

See if this tickles your funny bone. The other day I was musing about how things have changed over time...and that inspired this graphic.  It's intended to show the progression of magazines (and the covers are interesting, too), over the past 80 years. As you look at them and ponder the names they were given, consider, too, that they are really a reflection of where our society has gone, too.

Life Magazine, as we know it, really came to be in 1936, as a weekly news and photojournalism publication. People Magazine (originally known as People Weekly) was launched in 1974, focusing on celebrity and human-interest stories.Us Weekly debuted in 1977, as a publication dedicated to celebrity gossip and similar stories.  Finally, Self Magazine appeared in 1979, dedicated to health, nutrition and fitness topics specifically for women.

Certainly each magazine has its separate audience and serves a unique purpose. But, I find the titles, and the parallels in our society over time very intriguing.  Each progression of title is like peeling an artichoke -- drilling down layer after layer until you get to the center. Over the last 40-50 years, our society has become increasingly "me-centric" and individually-oriented. We've become less about "life" and community, less about "us" and much more about "self."  As I frequently share with my speaking audiences, many sociologists will actually target the late 1960's to early '70's as when the rift in attitudes began, with the age of "free love" and "if it feels good, do it."  Since then, we've seen the 80's come and go where "He who dies with the most toys wins" was a popular mantra.  And, in the late '90's and early 2000's, we were admonished to "Talk to the hand."

Now, we have a society that frequently believes in personal entitlement, in political correctness (don't you DARE be so insensitive as to say something that might offend ME!) and the old "what's in it for me" mind-set.  We rarely really know our neighbors, even tune one another out when we attend a communal gym by popping on headphones, and text and email people who are right in the same room! Social media allows us to turn the power off on a conversation when WE are "done" and enables us to pretend we are someone we are not, just because we want to. Integrity and ethics is a daily farce in business and politics, and trust has become all but an old-fashioned concept.

Now, I'm not completely cynical. I believe we can go back to a more outward focused approach, if we understand how critical "us" is to our own well-being and survival. Most people are not loners -- we thrive on finding, building and nurturing satisfying relationships. But we are so busy with our own business (I don't mean just professional, either), that we have difficulty making time for others. We are also so intent on "self-empowerment" that we forget to leave room for other people trying to be equally empowered.  It's OK to not always be the alpha-dog, folks. Take a moment, look around you and see what there is to see.  Maybe there's some who needs your help. Perhaps a mother trying to manage young children and her packages could use a hand with the door.  Perhaps a fellow student has dropped some books or is lost on the first day of school.  Could you let the driver desperately signalling to make a lane change in ahead of you instead of pretending you didn't see his movement? There are any number of small -- and large -- kindnesses and acts of consideration you can demonstrate on any given day if you're just willing to try.

I'm not talking about major changes here -- even just a few simple efforts will all contribute to a better world.  We just have to stop being so danged self-absorbed and remember to check in with the rest of the world sometime. Not only will it make an impact on others, but you'll likely find you're a little bit more at peace and satisfied in your own skin.

And, who knows...if art imitates life, maybe the next magazine to be launched will be called, simply, "Nice."  Don't know...could happen.

 

The SocialSmarts blog is moving!

I’m happy to announce that this blog has “outgrown” its capacity here on the free site.  As of today, the new blog will live under my main site www.corinnegregory.com. The direct link for the blog is www.corinnegregory.com/blog (how original!) and this site will also be redirecting to that new location.

 

For all of you who have subscribed via email, we’ll be duplicating that functionality shortly and your subscriptions will be moved as well.  As an alternative, you can also subscribe/link to us via RSS feed — just look for the icon at the top left of the blog page along with the Twitter logo, FB, etc.

Please pop over, visit the new site and let me know what you think. I will be putting out the first new post under its new location tomorrow. Same great content…less filling. (no, wait, isn’t that a BEER slogan?) Ok, let’s try “same great content, less confusion.”

Hope to see you all soon!

Filed under: Bullying and School Violence, Business and Sales, Current Events, Early Childhood Education, Education Policy, Education Reform, Leadership, Rotary, Social Skills and Character Tagged: blog for business and education, moving, social smarts

90% of business success is about “showing up”

Hollywood writer/producer Woody Allen is credited with saying that “90% of life is just showing up.”  That saying has been morphed to apply to many situations, particularly business.  And, it’s more true than ever in today’s current business climate. It’s truly amazing what success you can have if you apply this quote to your business life.

What do I mean about “showing up?”  It’s any number of things and many of them are so easy, it’s a wonder why people don’t do it.

Return a phone call promptly or within a reasonable period of time
Show up on time for a meeting and call if you are delayed for some reason
Respond to an email
Follow up on communication, particularly if you are the one who initiated it
Keep a committment or fulfill an obligation

As I said, these “show ups” sound so easy, but think about it: how often have you tried to communicate with someone, left message after message, and they never return the call, reply to an email, or respond to a letter? There certainly could be many reasons for why — they didn’t get the message, email ended up in the spam filter, or your letter is in a stack of correspondence. But each of those disconnects is a lost opportunity, and let’s be honest, avoiding returning a call — for whatever reason — is just plain rude.

Maybe the communication is a business solicitation and you’re just not interested. I can understand that — it happens to me all the time. So, because you didn’t ask for it, you just ignore it, hoping the caller will eventually the hint and go away.  Ok, that seems reasonable; we all do it.  But, may I make a suggestion: if you’re not interested, just respond to the person and tell them so.  You’ll achieve your objective much more quickly, and the person can go on to the next prospect, without having to waste more time on you.

You may be thinking, “Well, why should I bother?  This takes up valuable time that I could be spending on my own work?”  Here’s why: consider if the shoe were on the other foot — how would YOU want to be treated? Would you prefer to waste phonecall after phonecall (or email…whatever your method), getting increasingly frustrated, and wondering WHY they aren’t being courteous and just responding? Or would you prefer to know, one way of the other, and spend your valuable time on something that might yield fruit?

Now, let’s look at the last bullet — “keep a commitment.” Again, it’s one of those things that sound so simple and so obvious. But, how many times has someone promised you they would connect you to someone, send you a document, help you with an initiative…and they don’t do it? It’s maddening, isn’t it?  We have a tendency to throw out promises and commitments like they were popcorn…it’s natural because we want people to think we add value. But, what impression does it leave when they don’t do the follow up they promised?

I recently had some dialog with a major possible corporate sponsor for SocialSmarts in schools. I didn’t go into this communication “cold.” I was referred into the contact by someone who had significant influence with the organization. After trying to secure a meeting with the individual for nearly two months, finally I was granted a 20-minute phonecall on drive time between appointments. That’s ok…I was happy to get the time.  We had a great call; my contact requested I send more information, which I did within minutes after our call. The individual was interested in what we had to offer, said that if their area wasn’t right for us, the individual would connect me with others who could help.  Well…months went by: I followed up via email, via phone…regularly, but without being pesky (I’m VERY sensitive about seeming pushy).  Nothing.  I continued my attempts to reconnect…finally months later, I get a quick cryptic email that says “it’s not within our funding area. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”  Period.  I responded saying I understood but reiterated my contact’s promise to connect me to others…nothing. To this date, no response, no acknowledgement, no referrals.

Now, I understand…we get busy and my priorities were not the same as my contact’s priorities. But when it happens again and again, what impression does that leave? That’s easy: they are a flake, they just say things they don’t mean…they are unreliable.  I have one business leader I have a good relationship with that has made untold promises.  He has me send him info, create content, promise to set meetings…and never does it. Or, he takes a first step…then drops off the radar. Again, I know we all get busy, but with technology that allows us to communicate so much more easily, how hard is it to respond to an email, even if it’s just to say, “Sorry, can’t do it?”

I guess “business commitments” have become like the notorious “I’ll call you, Babe!” after a first date.  We have good intentions, but we forget or assume the other person will understand if we don’t follow through. But I can tell you…the fastest way to make a positive impression is to do as you say.  Consistently. If you promise to do something for someone, make a note…put it into your planner or PDA..and make sure you do it.  You have no idea how you will stand out next the sea of flakes and well-intentioned that don’t fulfill!

Woody Allen may have just been making a cute turn of phrase, but it’s wisdom we need to take to heart. If you can’t remember his quote (or the variations that have been developed from it), may I offer you one that’s even simpler but works just as well? Next time you schedule an appointment, get an email, make a promise…”Just DO it!” and you’ll be surprised how much of a difference it will make!

Filed under: Business and Sales, Leadership Tagged: business success, strategic advantage, Woody Allen

90% of business success is about "showing up"

Hollywood writer/producer Woody Allen is credited with saying that "90% of life is just showing up."  That saying has been morphed to apply to many situations, particularly business.  And, it's more true than ever in today's current business climate. It's truly amazing what success you can have if you apply this quote to your business life.

What do I mean about "showing up?"  It's any number of things and many of them are so easy, it's a wonder why people don't do it.

Return a phone call promptly or within a reasonable period of time
Show up on time for a meeting and call if you are delayed for some reason
Respond to an email
Follow up on communication, particularly if you are the one who initiated it
Keep a committment or fulfill an obligation

As I said, these "show ups" sound so easy, but think about it: how often have you tried to communicate with someone, left message after message, and they never return the call, reply to an email, or respond to a letter? There certainly could be many reasons for why — they didn't get the message, email ended up in the spam filter, or your letter is in a stack of correspondence. But each of those disconnects is a lost opportunity, and let's be honest, avoiding returning a call — for whatever reason — is just plain rude.

Maybe the communication is a business solicitation and you're just not interested. I can understand that — it happens to me all the time. So, because you didn't ask for it, you just ignore it, hoping the caller will eventually the hint and go away.  Ok, that seems reasonable; we all do it.  But, may I make a suggestion: if you're not interested, just respond to the person and tell them so.  You'll achieve your objective much more quickly, and the person can go on to the next prospect, without having to waste more time on you.

You may be thinking, "Well, why should I bother?  This takes up valuable time that I could be spending on my own work?"  Here's why: consider if the shoe were on the other foot — how would YOU want to be treated? Would you prefer to waste phonecall after phonecall (or email…whatever your method), getting increasingly frustrated, and wondering WHY they aren't being courteous and just responding? Or would you prefer to know, one way of the other, and spend your valuable time on something that might yield fruit?

Now, let's look at the last bullet — "keep a commitment." Again, it's one of those things that sound so simple and so obvious. But, how many times has someone promised you they would connect you to someone, send you a document, help you with an initiative…and they don't do it? It's maddening, isn't it?  We have a tendency to throw out promises and commitments like they were popcorn…it's natural because we want people to think we add value. But, what impression does it leave when they don't do the follow up they promised?

I recently had some dialog with a major possible corporate sponsor for SocialSmarts in schools. I didn't go into this communication "cold." I was referred into the contact by someone who had significant influence with the organization. After trying to secure a meeting with the individual for nearly two months, finally I was granted a 20-minute phonecall on drive time between appointments. That's ok…I was happy to get the time.  We had a great call; my contact requested I send more information, which I did within minutes after our call. The individual was interested in what we had to offer, said that if their area wasn't right for us, the individual would connect me with others who could help.  Well…months went by: I followed up via email, via phone…regularly, but without being pesky (I'm VERY sensitive about seeming pushy).  Nothing.  I continued my attempts to reconnect…finally months later, I get a quick cryptic email that says "it's not within our funding area. Sorry I couldn't be of more help."  Period.  I responded saying I understood but reiterated my contact's promise to connect me to others…nothing. To this date, no response, no acknowledgement, no referrals.

Now, I understand…we get busy and my priorities were not the same as my contact's priorities. But when it happens again and again, what impression does that leave? That's easy: they are a flake, they just say things they don't mean…they are unreliable.  I have one business leader I have a good relationship with that has made untold promises.  He has me send him info, create content, promise to set meetings…and never does it. Or, he takes a first step…then drops off the radar. Again, I know we all get busy, but with technology that allows us to communicate so much more easily, how hard is it to respond to an email, even if it's just to say, "Sorry, can't do it?"

I guess "business commitments" have become like the notorious "I'll call you, Babe!" after a first date.  We have good intentions, but we forget or assume the other person will understand if we don't follow through. But I can tell you…the fastest way to make a positive impression is to do as you say.  Consistently. If you promise to do something for someone, make a note…put it into your planner or PDA..and make sure you do it.  You have no idea how you will stand out next the sea of flakes and well-intentioned that don't fulfill!

Woody Allen may have just been making a cute turn of phrase, but it's wisdom we need to take to heart. If you can't remember his quote (or the variations that have been developed from it), may I offer you one that's even simpler but works just as well? Next time you schedule an appointment, get an email, make a promise…"Just DO it!" and you'll be surprised how much of a difference it will make!

Filed under: Business and Sales, Leadership Tagged: business success, strategic advantae, Woody Allen

School discipline: pay me now or pay me (more) later

Virtually everybody today has an opinion aboutwhat we need to do to improve public education in this country, and at the same time, a corresponding reason for why it can't be improved under present circumstances. You can't go a single day without hearing about how the economy is affecting funding to schools; or how classroom sizes are too large to allow for quality learning; or how we aren't focusing enough on STEM; how teachers  are overworked and underpaid; or that our students should be in school for longer days, even a longer year.

These are all commonly debated topics on why education isn't working, yet aren't the primary reason our system is failing.  A recent article published in the NY Times got somewhat close to the issue, but didn't go far enough. "School Discipline Study Raises Fresh Questions" discussed the impact of student suspensions and expulsions in Texas middle and high schools. The data shared in the article was troubling; one in seven students was suspended or expelled roughly 11 times in their upper-school career.  However, what the study didn't discuss was the overall problem of classroom order and discipline. Suspensions and expulsions are on the extreme end of discipline. What else is going on in the classrooms before it gets to that point?

I can tell you. Classroom discipline and behavior is literally robbing our education system of productive time, energy, money, and results. When repeated studies show teachers lose, on average, 30/40/50% or more of what should be teaching time to managing student discipline and behavior, it's no wonder Johnny can't read. To put this in perspective, even a "modest" loss of only 30% of classroom time is the equivalent of 60 full days out of our average 180 day school year. If we only consider the financial impact of loss of productive teaching time, it  represents $100B or more of educational funding that goes out the window each year nationwide. It's  consistently within the top three reasons for why teachers leave the profession, regardless of what they are paid, and it hurts the learning environment for everyone in it.

In spite of this massive impact on all aspects of the system, this issue receives precious little attention.  It is responsible for everything from the "ordinary" level of disruption and noise in the classroom; to issues of ethics,  integrity, cheating and plagiarism; to the extreme end of the continuum of bullying, harassment and school-based violence.  Our usual response is to deal with it once it's a problem when it's harder to fix and more costly. It may cost a school district $500 or more to suspend a student, but one suspension frequently leads to more, so clearly there's no "fix" in that. And, in spite of the billions that are being spent on anti-bullying policies, procedures and legislation, bullying remains an epidemic in our schools today.

The typical solution proposed to fix this problem is for teachers to receive better training in classroom management. Yet, that only addresses half the equation. What's missing is the focus on the students' part in it: when too many students enter the school system today ill-equipped with the social skills and character development they need to participate effectively in the classroom environment, we have to address this lack in order to improve discipline overall.

In the face of this evidence, why aren't more schools adopting broad-based social skills education? Administrators generally cite lack of time and lack of money. Many also argue that this type of education shouldn't be in the schools, that it belongs in the home.  While I am the first to agree, the reality is that students' inadequate social skills has become the problem of the schools. We can no longer assume that students have any "lowest common denominator" of social skills abilities and learning, and the resulting impacts on schools is huge.

The good news is that investing in social skills learning pays off quickly and measurably.  A recent study by the University of Chicago, examining the results of 213 school-based studies, showed that students who participated in social skills education improved in grades and standardized test scores by 11 percentile points as compared to non-participating students. Further, other benefits from these programs included less student stress, fewer conduct problems such as bullying, and reduced suspensions and expulsions. When you consider that students' time-on-task increases as much as 40% after integrating social skills education in core curriculum, the time it takes to teach these programs is recouped in the gains of productive teaching time.

For the past 40 years, we've decreased classroom sizes, spent more money on education, and spent more time on academic curriculum for virtually no positive gain. We have to create better environments for learning.  Even a few disruptive and unruly students will ruin the educational experience for everyone. Solving student discipline and behavior issues can be done within current budget and time constraints. However, if we don't address it whatever else we do will continue to under-perform or outright fail and that means more waste of time, energy, money…and our children's future.

Filed under: Education Policy, Education Reform, Social Skills and Character Tagged: disruptive student behavior, school discipline, student expulsions, student suspensions

Rotary 4-Way Test: Don’t just recite it — live it

I had a meeting the other day with a gentleman I admire greatly.  He’s really a super individual: smart, very business savvy, has a great heart for important causes and practices the art of service — in other words, the ideal Rotarian.  I had originally met him at a Rotary club where I was speaking, so I had always believed he WAS a Rotarian.  Imainge my surprise when he told me he wasn’t actually a Rotarian, but he had been made an honorary Rotarian because of his service to both the club and the community as a whole.

I found this quite surprising. When I asked him why he didn’t become an actual Rotarian, his answer surprised me: he shared with me very frankly that, in his opinion, there were too many people in the club that, while they all talked about the importance of The 4-Way Test, they didn’t really live it.

Now, this happened several days ago, but it stuck in my craw and has been bugging me ever since. I’ve had the same experiences myself, I have to admit, and it really troubles me when a fellow Rotarian behaves in a way that goes against the principles of The 4-Way Test. Especially when they act that way toward other Rotarians.

For those of you who may not be Rotarians but are reading this blog, let me quickly cite its four principles so you know what we’re talking about.  In the 4-Way Test, we Rotarians are encouraged to consider…

In all we think, say or do…:

Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER friendships?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

Now, I’ve certainly discussed the individual meaning of the points of The 4-Way Test in other posts, so I don’t plan to do that again here. Feel free to look those up if you want to explore its meaning and significance more deeply. What I do want to talk about is the importance of not only reciting it, but the importance of believing it and living it, if you are truly bought into the purpose and meaning of Rotary.

As I say in my presentations to Rotary clubs, both across the country and internationally, The 4-Way Test is a lot like our social skills and character: it is who we are and what we are, regardless of what else we are doing. And, testing our behavior and conduct against The 4-Way Test applies to anyone with whom we are interacting. As I mention, there’s this tiny little word — “all” — in the last point of The 4-Way Test that means “everyone.”  Not just those people we like, or those who can help us in some fashion, or just Rotarians.  It’s everyone, every time, all the time.

So, naturally, it’s particularly troubling when we see Rotarians acting in a way that contradicts what they say they believe in and stand for.  Of course, we’re all imperfect human beings…we are fraught with making mistakes.  But there are times when the violations are so obvious and so egregious that it’s hard to overlook.  When the misconduct occurs with another Rotarian…well, then it’s really a slap in the face. We’re supposed to be part of one large, internationally family that treats people fairly. One family member shouldn’t be intentionally hurting or offending another, should they?

Let me give you an example.  I personally was effectively bullied by another Rotarian several years back. This particular Rotarian happened to be a school district superintendent — which, as I’ve learned isn’t unusual…many superintendents belong to Rotary clubs.  I had written something in a very anonymous fashion citing some examples of bureaucratic run-around I had received in trying to educate that district about the benefits and results of my SocialSmarts program.  I had worded the piece very carefully, without making accusations or any references to any particular school district (heck, I didn’t even mention a state, a time-frame, or any particulars about the meeting that could have identified it as any real situation). Somehow, the superintendent got word of what I had written (to this day I don’t know how because at that time I had virtually NO following whatsoever).  Within a day, I was the unhappy recipient of a very nasty phonecall where the super literally threatened that if I didn’t remove the piece immediately, the super would personally ensure that I never did business in that state again.  (Hmm…the other problem with this is…aren’t our schools trying to stomp out bullying? Maybe they should start at the top?)

I did end up deleting the piece; it occurred to me that while I was trying to make a point about the obstacles those of us sometimes face in trying to improve the education of our kids, and how the “system’ works against it, because it had upset a fellow Rotarian, it seemed what I wrote and published didn’t really adhere to The Four-Way Test. Yes, it was true. Yes, it was a fair piece and a fair assessment of what had happened. It apparently didn’t build goodwill and better friendships, that much became clear. And, while it was likely fair to all concerned, when considered objectively, one of the parties (the super) clearly didn’t agreed. Therefore, in deference to a fellow Rotarian’s discomfort, I removed it.

I’m sure there are many of you now thinking I’m a wimp.  Maybe true,– perhaps I shouldn’t have given in to the superintendent’s pressure —  but there’s a second part to this tale.  Once I got over the shock of having been raked over the coals by the super, I started getting mad.  “Wait a minute…what gave him the right to bully me?” Even if he got mad because I was bold enough to write the truth, he was himself violating The 4-Way Test by how he was treating me. And, the reality is, his behavior permanently clouded my opinion of him, and destroyed, in my opinion, any credibility and respect he ever had with me.

But back to the original part where this story started. I’ve seen other examples of this decidedly non-Rotarian behavior in other clubs, and it always disturbs me.  The 4-Way Test is not there for us to abuse or hide behind. It’s also not there for us to assume a “holier-than-thou” attitude (“I’m a better Rotarian because I live it and you don’t”). We are supposed to do more than talk the talk, and we’re certainly not supposed to become hypocrites.  Again, yes, we Rotarians are as human as the next person, but I see The 4-Way Test as a challenge — it’s a challenge to us to try continually to be better human beings. We should test, Test, TEST everything we think, say or do to ensure that we remain true to our lofty ideals. Yes, we’ll slip up, but on the whole, our conduct should weigh in on the side of “adheres to” rather than “not.” Then our occasional transgressions aren’t so bad and won’t undermine our character or others’ perceptions of our character.

I guess it comes down to this: if you see Rotary as a place to have a meal and network with other people, than perhaps Rotary — and all it stands for — isn’t the best place for you. But, if you are willing to embrace not just a concept, but a belief and practice — of service, of fair and just behavior and conduct, of integrity — then I strongly encourage you to consider Rotary. And consider doing your very best to uphold and practice those principles we hold dear. Everywhere, with everyone, all the time.

Filed under: Leadership, Rotary, Social Skills and Character Tagged: 4-Way Test, hypocrisy, is it the truth, Rotary, walk the walk

Rotary 4-Way Test: Don't just recite it — live it

I had a meeting the other day with a gentleman I admire greatly.  He's really a super individual: smart, very business savvy, has a great heart for important causes and practices the art of service — in other words, the ideal Rotarian.  I had originally met him at a Rotary club where I was speaking, so I had always believed he WAS a Rotarian.  Imainge my surprise when he told me he wasn't actually a Rotarian, but he had been made an honorary Rotarian because of his service to both the club and the community as a whole.

I found this quite surprising. When I asked him why he didn't become an actual Rotarian, his answer surprised me: he shared with me very frankly that, in his opinion, there were too many people in the club that, while they all talked about the importance of The 4-Way Test, they didn't really live it.

Now, this happened several days ago, but it stuck in my craw and has been bugging me ever since. I've had the same experiences myself, I have to admit, and it really troubles me when a fellow Rotarian behaves in a way that goes against the principles of The 4-Way Test. Especially when they act that way toward other Rotarians.

For those of you who may not be Rotarians but are reading this blog, let me quickly cite its four principles so you know what we're talking about.  In the 4-Way Test, we Rotarians are encouraged to consider…

In all we think, say or do…:

Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER friendships?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

Now, I've certainly discussed the individual meaning of the points of The 4-Way Test in other posts, so I don't plan to do that again here. Feel free to look those up if you want to explore its meaning and significance more deeply. What I do want to talk about is the importance of not only reciting it, but the importance of believing it and living it, if you are truly bought into the purpose and meaning of Rotary.

As I say in my presentations to Rotary clubs, both across the country and internationally, The 4-Way Test is a lot like our social skills and character: it is who we are and what we are, regardless of what else we are doing. And, testing our behavior and conduct against The 4-Way Test applies to anyone with whom we are interacting. As I mention, there's this tiny little word — "all" — in the last point of The 4-Way Test that means "everyone."  Not just those people we like, or those who can help us in some fashion, or just Rotarians.  It's everyone, every time, all the time.

So, naturally, it's particularly troubling when we see Rotarians acting in a way that contradicts what they say they believe in and stand for.  Of course, we're all imperfect human beings…we are fraught with making mistakes.  But there are times when the violations are so obvious and so egregious that it's hard to overlook.  When the misconduct occurs with another Rotarian…well, then it's really a slap in the face. We're supposed to be part of one large, internationally family that treats people fairly. One family member shouldn't be intentionally hurting or offending another, should they?

Let me give you an example.  I personally was effectively bullied by another Rotarian several years back. This particular Rotarian happened to be a school district superintendent — which, as I've learned isn't unusual…many superintendents belong to Rotary clubs.  I had written something in a very anonymous fashion citing some examples of bureaucratic run-around I had received in trying to educate that district about the benefits and results of my SocialSmarts program.  I had worded the piece very carefully, without making accusations or any references to any particular school district (heck, I didn't even mention a state, a time-frame, or any particulars about the meeting that could have identified it as any real situation). Somehow, the superintendent got word of what I had written (to this day I don't know how because at that time I had virtually NO following whatsoever).  Within a day, I was the unhappy recipient of a very nasty phonecall where the super literally threatened that if I didn't remove the piece immediately, the super would personally ensure that I never did business in that state again.  (Hmm…the other problem with this is…aren't our schools trying to stomp out bullying? Maybe they should start at the top?)

I did end up deleting the piece; it occurred to me that while I was trying to make a point about the obstacles those of us sometimes face in trying to improve the education of our kids, and how the "system' works against it, because it had upset a fellow Rotarian, it seemed what I wrote and published didn't really adhere to The Four-Way Test. Yes, it was true. Yes, it was a fair piece and a fair assessment of what had happened. It apparently didn't build goodwill and better friendships, that much became clear. And, while it was likely fair to all concerned, when considered objectively, one of the parties (the super) clearly didn't agreed. Therefore, in deference to a fellow Rotarian's discomfort, I removed it.

I'm sure there are many of you now thinking I'm a wimp.  Maybe true,– perhaps I shouldn't have given in to the superintendent's pressure —  but there's a second part to this tale.  Once I got over the shock of having been raked over the coals by the super, I started getting mad.  "Wait a minute…what gave him the right to bully me?" Even if he got mad because I was bold enough to write the truth, he was himself violating The 4-Way Test by how he was treating me. And, the reality is, his behavior permanently clouded my opinion of him, and destroyed, in my opinion, any credibility and respect he ever had with me.

But back to the original part where this story started. I've seen other examples of this decidedly non-Rotarian behavior in other clubs, and it always disturbs me.  The 4-Way Test is not there for us to abuse or hide behind. It's also not there for us to assume a "holier-than-thou" attitude ("I'm a better Rotarian because I live it and you don't"). We are supposed to do more than talk the talk, and we're certainly not supposed to become hypocrites.  Again, yes, we Rotarians are as human as the next person, but I see The 4-Way Test as a challenge — it's a challenge to us to try continually to be better human beings. We should test, Test, TEST everything we think, say or do to ensure that we remain true to our lofty ideals. Yes, we'll slip up, but on the whole, our conduct should weigh in on the side of "adheres to" rather than "not." Then our occasional transgressions aren't so bad and won't undermine our character or others' perceptions of our character.

I guess it comes down to this: if you see Rotary as a place to have a meal and network with other people, than perhaps Rotary — and all it stands for — isn't the best place for you. But, if you are willing to embrace not just a concept, but a belief and practice — of service, of fair and just behavior and conduct, of integrity – then I strongly encourage you to consider Rotary. And consider doing your very best to uphold and practice those principles we hold dear. Everywhere, with everyone, all the time.

Filed under: Leadership, Rotary, Social Skills and Character Tagged: 4-Way Test, hypocrisy, is it the truth, Rotary, walk the walk

Life is short…are you LIVING?

This may not seem like a post on the typical topics of social skills, character, school reform at first. But I think, by the end, you'll see where I'm going with this.

A really shocking reality came at me this past weekend. I was visiting a steady client, whose Board Members I have seen a come to know fairly well, for over four years now. On Saturday, I learned that one of them, a founding member had suddenly passed away just a few months ago. This is, frankly, the second time that I've been hit over the head with a completely unexpected death in the past few months. Both times, the news left me completely gobsmacked. (Yes, that is the ideal word for my reaction…)

In this case, I had really gotten to know the gentleman (I'll call him Richard) quite well.  He was an amazing man, generous like you wouldn't believe, full of joy, full of life. Along with his wife, he co-founded the organization I was visiting. They were frequent and generous donors to many charitable organizations, and both had offered their talents, their home, their energy to these causes.  And, with his wife, Richard was a genuine, authentic, and overall NICE guy.  He is one of those who shouldn't go, much less before his time.  He was only 51, but he died living his life to the fullest.

Essentially he experienced a heart attack while learning to scuba dive. His physician had advised against it because he did suffer from some heart issues.  But, he felt the risk wasn't too great so he pursued the sport he loved.

I am deeply in shock, as are so many who came to know him, especially those with whom he had regular contact.  His passing has given me a lot to think about.  Certainly none of us knows when our time is up, and there are limitless sayings about how to live today like you're going to die tomorrow.  But how many of us actually DO it?  Face it, there are obligations that must be met.  Clients have to be seen, bills have to be paid. The kids have activities; we adults have commitments.  How has time to "live" when we are so busy "existing?"

And, THAT, it at the heart of the problem.  To really shed some light on it, let me tell you what occurred the day after I learned about Richard's death. I attended a "pizza party" on a local island farm. The host is known not only for his amazingly fresh produce, but for the enormous brick and granite pizza oven he has built in his yard.  Here he throws pizza parties for groups and individuals, with ingredients picked just fresh off the farm that day.  Potatoes, fava beans, goat cheese from local sources, a green specialty sauce that they make up from whatever's fresh picked that day, pesto from local basil and chard.  In short, it's gourmet, wood-fired pizza at its very best. And the flavors are to die for!  Your mouth literally explodes with one taste sensation after another. This is the "living" part of eating.  Most of us are used to taking the quick and expedient way out when it comes to food.  We don't have time to cook a real dinner because we're so busy trying to get the kids off to sports practice. Fast food, "frozen modules," take-out…we have learned to rely on it for convenience, but at the cost of our enjoyment.

I'm using food as a metaphor because I am a foodie at heart, but because it's something we can generally relate to. I've long since come to appreciate food for all its flavor, but since Saturday I've thought about this even more. I'd rather eat only one, really well-cooked farm fresh eggs than 3 ordinary store-bought varieties (I'll still bake with these, though!).  I'd rather have a few small slices of excellent wood-fired pizza with highly-flavorable toppings than a large amount of frozen pepperoni (and do you know that studies show we eat LESS when we eat better and more flavorful food?)

Look at this issue from a time perspective. Where do we use our time? Do we spend it on things that matter, than improve our quality of life, that give us joy and fulfillment? Or do we fritter our time away on things that don't mean anything?  Are we building valuable relationships with people, really trying to get to know them and connect, or do we see people as "units" that serve a particular role or purpose and we don't make much effort to learn more?  Getting connected with what matters to YOU is one of the first steps of living.  I've done a few things this week already that I kept putting off, then realizing it was "too late" to do it this season, this year.  I said, "phooey" and decided to do it NOW…'cause I don't know if I'll have tomorrow or if the ones I wanted to share it with would as well.

Multi-tasking is another brain- and life-drainer, I think. We have gotten so good at getting so much done, that we probably don't realize how half-baked we are doing things.  How many times have we answered our child's question while we are still typing an email message, thinking we've deftly done two things at once, but in reality we didn't really give either the child or our message the focus and courtesy due them?  We talk on the phone, while making dinner; we text at the same time we are "carrying on a conversation" with friends. What's wrong with just being present, taking a moment and experiencing a quality interaction rather than something squeezed in because we can?

Time slips away too fast. For some, like Richard, much more quickly than it should have. At least, as I said, he died while he was living his life the way he wanted.  I hope that when it's my turn, friends can say the same of me.  I have to take steps now to ensure that that's the case.  I believe there is more to life than what happens between managing crises. As I try to offer quality to others, I have to provide quality for myself. Thank you, Richard for teaching me this lesson. I only wish you were around for me to tell you what I learned from you.

Filed under: Current Events, Social Skills and Character, Uncategorized Tagged: better life, importance of time, living life, value of our life

How would YOU like to be remembered?

It's amazing sometimes where inspiration finds you.  For those of you who write regularly, you know that there are days when it "works" and days where you couldn't beg your way into a coherent and cohesive article.  But then, suddenly, out of the blue, there it is: the "A ha!" Well, this time, I can thank one of my Facebook friends, "Beth" (I won't reveal her whole name or FB profile in case she is keeping it private, but email me if you'd like to connect), for the inspiration.  Just two days ago, here's what she shared on FB:

Today I shall behave … as if this is the day I will be remembered.

~ Dr. Seuss

Wow…Dr. Seuss said THAT?  I mean, yes, I think he's brilliant with all the great things he has written (I mean, really, who can get past "Green Eggs and Ham"), and he was very in-tune with how to connect with kids — and adults– but this isn't something I would have expected from the professional "silly guy."

It's profound wisdom, really. Think about it: if you KNEW someone was looking at you…right here, right now…how WOULD you conduct yourself? Would you be yelling at your child? Dressing down an employee? Belittling a spouse or friend? Would you lie? (allright, we KNOW plenty of people DO lie on camera, but I truly believe they think no one KNOWS they are lying…let's not go THERE, ok?)  Would you wear your rattiest, most disheveled clothes, hair unkempt, teeth unbrushed? Generally I think most of us would say, no.

If we KNEW we were being watched, being recorded, being "remembered" we would take the time to put on a good face, pay attention to our appearance, and strive to be caught in the best light possible. Most people DO want to be remembered in a positive light. We hate, for example, to be photographed making silly faces or when our hair is messed up and makeup not done.  Heck, I know women who will refuse to go to even the grocery store without full war-paint, much less allow themselves to be "captured" in any permanent form.

So the point is, why let ourselves be caught behaving with any less dignity, respect or poise than we'd want to be caught merely "looking?"  One of the things I frequently tell both young students and professionals is that you have to be conscious of your appearance, both how you look on the outside as well as how you are behaving. Why?  Well, because you just have to assume that, at any given moment, someone is watching you. And, if so, what impression do you want them to get?  A positive one, or one that says, "Hey, I'm out of control, don't give a rip how I look/seem/sound like. You don't like it. Tough!" ? If your answer is, "Heck, I don't really care…" then let me ask you this question: what images get plastered on YouTube, local news, national media more often:  images of stellar, shining moments or the "major fail" kinds of incidents?

'Nuff said? I guarantee you that if you are doing something that will come back to haunt you, there's a seriously good chance that someone will be observing it. And, the worse the incident and the bigger the crowd, the more people who will see you at a moment you'd like to forget. It's Murphy's Law, Part II. If you want a really visual example, think about Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction," or Michael Jackson dangling Baby "Blanket." Do you hear "Martha Stewart" without remembering her insider trading issues, Tiger Woods' indiscretions, or, most recently Anthony Weiner's repeated press conferences denying his Twitter "mishaps?" Regardless these people's talent, their influence, what accomplishments they've had…what sticks in your mind, even if you try to recall the positives?

We are all human, and we all do things we wish we hadn't. But, if we were more conscious of what's going on around us, we might make choices that would put us in a better light rather than showcase us at our very worst or at least at our "less than optimal."  To channel Dr. Seuss, if the LAST thing you ever did was X, is this how you wanted to be remembered? We have a great deal of influence to ensure that the answer to THAT question is "yes" even if there's no one to see it when we have our last moment. Because, frankly, in this day and age…you just never know who's watching.

Filed under: Current Events, Social Skills and Character Tagged: Anthony Wiener, Dr. Seuss, Janet Jackson Superbowl, Lindsay Lohan, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods