Zoe E. Whitten's Blog, page 71

I'll just sum up…

Some days, Twitter brings me good news in concentrated bursts. But yesterday was all about going to the opposite extreme. I covered the Occupy stories all day on Twitter, but in between was a lot of other bad news and stories that all hurt me to read. At a certain point I gave up and went to the couch. Not because I was tired, but because I could no longer stand being on the emotional roller coaster.

This morning, it falls to me to pick three stories from the pile I found yesterday, bring them to your attention, and then move on so I can try to get some work done despite my plunging number of work hours this month due to my health.

So first, let's start with the hanging suicide of a ten-year-old girl, because her classmates were calling her fat and a slut. She'd asked her mother to be home-schooled, and the day after she was told to just go to public school, she hung herself with a scarf.

I could shout at you about how much we need to stop bullying. But you'd just go make another video for queer teens. So I'll just point out, your video campaign never could have reached this victim of bullying. At her age, those homo videos are hidden from children, on the grounds that they might get confused and turn homo themselves. So there is nothing that anyone could have offered this straight girl to convince her not to die. Certainly, there is no effort from parents to end bullying, which is what this victim and many others like her need. So, another child checks out because society loves bullies.

Second, a teen exhibitionist is going to be prosecuted for sending nude photos to her friends. Here we have a crime where the criminal is the victim, and the legal system is STILL going to pursue the case. This is not about protecting teens from sex. It's about controlling everyone in EVERY facet of their lives. Of course I expect most of you not to care about this one. After all, this is just a slut getting what she deserves. She should know better than to feel any pride in her body or her sexuality, and she's getting what she deserves, a good old heapin' helping of slut-shaming, American Purtian-style.

So let's move on to our last exposure, this time an adult trans woman who is still listed as male. Frustrated by this, the protestor bared her chest, resulting in instant arrest for indecent exposure. So, a man with breasts can go bare-chested, and that's okay. But a trans person is subject to an invisible set of laws that say "both sides apply to you, when WE see fit."

And so, to recap, the bullies won and killed a little girl. The state bullies are prosecuting a teen girl for exploring her own sexuality, and they're imprisoning a trans woman on the grounds that she's not really a man…while holding her in a male prison.

Now, ask me why I'm upset today.

Freedom to be oppressed openly…

I'm sorry that I don't have specific links, but I'm getting this story out from Twitter as it's happening. I've just woken up, and the NYPD is at it again, this time gearing up in the middle of the night for an eviction, and THE PRESS IS NOT ALLOWED. So, that's no freedom of speech, and no freedom of press. America is not the land of the free or the home of the brave. It is the land owned by the few, and is the home of the oppressed and the impoverished. The terrorists have so totally won, it's not even funny. They destroyed America and replaced it with this.

I'd often hoped for equality in my time, but I was hoping for myself to have the same freedoms as the rest of y'all. You having your rights stripped and you being brought to my level does not please me or give me any schadenfreude. I'm sick and miserable, and I keep waiting for someone in the president's cabinet to at least acknowledge all the constitutional violations going on.

But why would Obama do that? He's got his. He's in the White House, and he's safe from the riot cops in New York. He doesn't have to deal with any human rights violations, nor even acknowledge that they happen. Why would anyone expect him to care about ANY human beings, when he's been torturing an American soldier for months now? He's big on killing with drones, even if he's murdering innocent people. So asking him to care about American citizens being brutalized by cops for expressing their opinions is flat out impossible at this point.

WikiLeaks? Silenced and dealt with, illegally via coercion of bankers. Bin Laden? Killed in an illegal raid where the cabinet tried to lie about how the final gunfight went down. Manning? Still being tortured without a trial, and will continue to be tortured until they break and confess to whatever crimes Obama wants to say "he's guilty" of. And before you say "Hey, Obama isn't directly responsible for everything," Obama was asked point-blank about Manning, and Obama said, "He's guilty. We know he is." His own cabinet had to backtrack and admit that he "misspoke," but Obama stripped Manning of the right to presumed innocence before a trial. There is not one fundamental human right this man will recognize. And this is the guy we HAVE to re-elect, to prevent even worse people from taking office?

Oh, America, who could have known that all of your principles and beliefs would slip with those two towers? Who could have known that ten years later, you'd have lost everything that you hold dear, all while being told by your government that you need to sacrifice more to the banks and corporations?

EDIT: Here's a link to a story from the BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-15732661

Follow-up to yesterday's ramble…

Today has not been much kinder to me than yesterday was, so I spent a long time lying on the couch, unable to get up, but unable to go back to sleep. When I got up, I found two different blog posts on Twitter that come from paid writers, and they're talking about some of the same things I rambled on last night. They tackle the topics with more coherence, which I supposed is why they earn the big bucks. First, I got a link to a Slate article by Lionel Shriver. I got the link from Mari Adkins who said she read this and thought of me. So, that's a big time paid writer saying something similar to me, that we need to have unlikable characters sometimes. No, not all the time, just sometimes.

And then working on another tangent from the same ramble, I read a blog post from Neil Gaiman where he answers a fan who wonders how he feels about reading or watching the work of people that Neil doesn't personally agree with. Neil, with his usual style, answers that this would be cutting himself off from really good art. The part I want to quote is after his main answer:

(The sad flip-side is I've met people — writers and artists — over the years who I liked immediately, with whom I found myself agreeing on everything to do with art and aesthetics so closely that we might have shared the same head, people whose world-views were pretty much mine, whom I'd talk with far into the night and whom I parted from excited that I'd met them, looking forward to nothing more than reading their writing or looking at their art… and then I would find what they had done, and, at least as far as my taste was concerned, the books would be uninteresting, the drawings ugly or clumsy. And in an odd way, that hurts more than liking the work of someone who behaved badly, or thought in a way that I consider offensive or wrong.)

Which is exactly what I was talking about with books from writers I know being slightly more repulsive for my fear of not liking them and risking losing a friend. I mean, I think I know a few hundred writers now, and I'd guess that of those perhaps 30 have read me. I'm not one to point at the others and yell, "Slackers!" Why? Cause truth be told, I'm not in a rush to read writers I know. It's actually much easier for me to read writers I don't know through Twitter or some other social club.

In fact, some of the best reads I've ever had didn't come from sales pushes from writers. They came from other readers telling me, "Hey, have you read this yet? I know you said you like different stuff, and this was really different." So I go and read the book, and I find those recommendations from other readers who know my fictional tastes are generally more accurate than me just taking in books from writers who say "You might like this." Because really, most writers will say that to everyone.

But I don't do this. I know, I'm totally screwing this up, but my whole platform is, I'm writing books for the people who feel left out of the main market. So, by definition, I'm not going to appeal to a lot of people inside the main market. This is not to say I can't appeal to some of them. But I'm not going to sell a million copies of any of my books. And when I talk to people in chat, sometimes their comments about other books make me decide my books are not going to work with them. So I will say, "I don't think you should waste your money. If you feel this way about this style of book, then my stuff will probably disappoint you." Yeah, I'm like the anti-saleswoman now.

I guess I prefer reading strangers because when I post the review on a book I don't like, I don't have to deal with that writer on Twitter in other conversations. Most often, what happens after I give a bad review on someone's book is, they stop following me. Doesn't matter if I'd reviewed other books by them favorably or not. 2 stars="friendship over, biyatch". And maybe this is their version of "developing thick skin" by erasing any voices of discontent that don't agree that their work is super awesome.

Do I do the same thing? No. I'm still following the two reviewers whose reviews beat me up one side of the literary street and down the other. One day, I even hope to have them review other stories, should they ever get over their distaste of the previous stories they tried. (They didn't both hate the same book.)

BUT, I do have a lot of the same standards that other readers do. A couple of writers have pissed me off with something they said, and I won't read their stuff anymore. Neil would not approve, perhaps, but then Neil is one of those guys who I love his blog, and still haven't found a book of his that worked for me. I've still got others in the TBR pile, because I read his blog and respect his opinion. I also find myself often in agreement with his views on writing, so in theory I should like his stories. Yet I…just don't. So there stands a very good chance that, were I to go to Neil and ask him, "Oh, please, Mr. Gaiman, sir, read this book from me," he might end up hating it. And man, wouldn't that suck? Having Neil Gaiman read my stuff and go, "That was weaker than mouse farts." (;.;) Cause there's nowhere to go from there but "Thank you for trying it," or "Oh yeah? Well…your book wasn't hot either, buddy!"

And anyway, once I know writers on twitter, I'm also more reluctant to try pushing my titles on them individually, like, "Oh, you write horror? I have a horror book too (link)." It's for the same reason. I'd love for them to read it, sure, but I don't want to put them in that awkward situation of saying, "God, it was dreadful." I'm so reluctant to push that I'd prefer recommending someone else's book than my own.

I think this is why so many people are reluctant to read new stuff. Because it might suck. Not just a little, either. Reading it might suck all the joy out of you and leave only rage that begs the question, "Why the fuck did I just waste my time on this?" Then there's all the negative emotions that come with being denied the story one was hoping for. I get that. No, I mean, I get that frustrated feeling every time I put down a book early. I know what it feels like to be upset about books not going the way I'd hoped, and as I said in my last ramble, I get overly emotional about these things.

So, I guess where I'm concluding this is that we can all have a lot of the same behaviors and expectations in common. But we also have all these different ways of judging what is good or bad. It's not so easy to tell if you're going to like my stuff just because you agree or disagree with my personal opinions. In fact, it's likely that at least one opinion I hold will offend you. And it doesn't matter which one, my point is I would hope that you don't base your judgement of my art on my personal blog. If you read my art and think it sucks, I can't help that. But if you read my blog and say "Based on this, I know what your books will be like," no, you really don't. Does this mean you'll like them? No, not necessarily. But without trying some of my books, you can't say you know anything about my art just because you read my blog. It's like declaring you know what a band will sound like based on reading the guitarist's political blog.

Sunday Ramble: Why I get mad at stories

I went to bed early last night from a fatigue attack. Weather shifts, again. That being the case, I woke up sore, groggy, and cranky. Which means this is a poor time to reflect on others because I am always more judgmental when I'm like this. So, I figure, why not be self-judgmental? And anyway, I need a good topic for a Sunday ramble that isn't likely to end with me sending a few more people away pissed off. In theory, anyway. In practice, I'll probably still piss someone off. Also, this is a long, long ramble. As in, "Fuck me, will this bitch ever shut up?" long. (When I die, I'll shut up. But I even talk in my sleep.)

Anywho, let me first explain that I've always been excitable and overly emotional about fiction. Both my parents are well aware of my tendency to throw a book and scream or to start screaming at the TV because something someone said or did rubbed me the wrong way. And my rants were always for the same reason, that "real people don't act like that." And it's true, and it's always been true my whole life. Fiction in our modern world is not to me a reflection of real people, or of our society, or our real moral values. It is a projection of what we wish we were if were weren't flawed human beings. And that angers me, that our entertainment is so often about denial of our true selves in favor of this projection of a false moral positive. To me, it's self-deprecation and unrealistic moral lecturing disguising itself as entertainment. It's brow beating the viewer at the same time that it pretends to entertain. It's insulting my intelligence while at the same time begging for my continued attention.

That's what pissed me off as a kid. But as a writer I've become exceedingly picky, much more so than I ever was during my childhood. I don't think it's because the stories are worse today. The stories today have a sameness to the entertainment of my childhood, and while the quality of special effects have improved for movies and TV, the writing is about the same. And while the novel writers are a mixed bag, the writing standard for film was always crap. It's rare for these people to come up with a good idea, and even when they have a good idea, the studio executives find ways to ruin the premise.

Please, recall, these executives were the guys who took the Human Torch out of the Fantastic Four cartoon and replaced him with a robot because they thought kids were stupid and might try to set themselves on fire if they saw a flaming man on TV. (This despite the character being in comics a few DECADES without any such outcome occurring.)

The writing in novels is more hit or miss than TV, where quality writing is a rare exception. The mixed quality of novels has never changed, and never will even if traditional publishers keel over. Some writers just work harder than others, and it shows in the polish of their released work. Some writers earn the statement, "A bad story from ___ is still better than a good story from ____," with both writers in the fields "earning" their places in their respective blank fields solely by rite of the reader's interpretation.

I've established that long before I wanted to write, I was a picky reader. Note I did not say "discerning of quality," or "connoisseur of finer fiction." Nope, I'm just being picky. I wanted fantasy stories that still felt "real" because the characters sold me their world through their reactions to it. But a lot of writing has flat characters in great worlds, and in those cases, I don't give a fuck. I'm sorry for that. I know the idea of the world is great, but if I can't get into the main character, I don't want to explore their world.

Lots of readers are like this, I'm sure, but we have VASTLY different criteria about what breaks the rules. I don't want a morally good character by default. I just want a character that doesn't feel flat. So if you've got a "thief with a heart of gold," fuck you, I'm outtie. If you've got a drug addict who cleans up and makes good just because, fuck you, I'm outtie. If you've got an alcoholic divorced cop who only does the right thing, fuck you, and *hawk*, you get an extra loogie of shame. *ptui*

And it's nothing personal to you writers. I may still like you as a person, and I might regularly visit your blog. I paid for your book, and getting into it, I find your mechanical writing skills fine. But I find your lack of thought in your characters to be nothing short of pathetic. And some of the people whose character writing I hate the most are also the people selling the most copies.

The character tropes that most readers find likable are instead offensive to me for their fakeness. And lots of characters that I like turn other people off. But for me, I don't buy characters who do the right thing just because their moral compass is always pointing to good. I need better motivation than "I'm a cop, damn it. It's what I do." My answer to that kind of hard boiled cop character is "Fuck you, pig." Then I put the book down. (Or tune out the TV. Cause hubby still loves him some cop shows.)

I hate lots of character types, so many that I could probably create my own mini version of that TV Tropes site. (A site I refuse to visit, knowing that it is a dangerous time suck. Part of my motivation in being angry with these character types is that I'm taking time away from my writing to pick up someone else's art. I'm losing time having my attention divided like this, so I want something out of that time investment that doesn't end up "And the day was saved again, thanks to people who couldn't possibly exist in real life."

And yes, I get why it's popular. People want lies that comfort them and make life's jagged edges seem less sharp and imposing. They want total escapism, with no acceptance of reality's teeth. But even when I was reading for total escapism, I still expected to see better characters than some cardboard cutouts who spout the same moral claptrap before committing yet another act of "justified murder." Bad guys lose and burn in hell, and good guys win and the day is saved. And for some of you, that formula is salve for your tortured cubicle-hell souls. For me, it is spitting in my face and saying "If you were a character in this book, the hero would have either killed you or beaten you for information. If you were a character in this book, you'd be a one-paragraph bit character described as scum not fit for the reader's time."

Perception and perspective is everything. People who've never dealt with bad cops don't get why I hate the stereotypical "good cop" in fiction who is somehow justified by the writers in hitting criminals "because he has to get rough in this dark world." Police brutality does not win points with me. It makes me tune out the TV show or put down the book.

People who get into these stories don't understand my explosions about unrealistic characters or unbelievable plot points. They ask me, "Why can't you be less judgmental and just enjoy a great story?" Because to me, these are not great stories. They're reruns of lousy stories from the last two decades.

But every once in a while, I run across something that gets me all hot and bothered because the characters are GREAT. They have flaws and quirks, and no one is good or bad; they just live. The narrators try less to say who is right or wrong, and they just explain what happened. I LOVE that. And I don't care if the main character is more aligned with good or bad if the story sells me on the idea that he isn't morally righteous in his actions. I don't care if the protagonist is right or not. What I care about is getting inside his head and sorting out why he's making these choices. Some writers get my needs, and they give me the information I want.

And, knowing that other writers can work harder to give me that information, I am even less forgiving of writers who couldn't be bothered to explain their characters better. I know the work CAN be done. I've seen writers so good with their character work that I genuinely weep and say, "Damn, why can't my characters be this real?" I've seen writing skills that humbled me and made me feel vastly inferior. So when I see cheap character work, even if the world building is great, even if the writer is not breaking any grammar rules, I see red. Why? Because they can work harder and make their characters as great as their world-building. That they don't, and that they think these cutout characters are good enough boils my blood. They can try harder, damn it! Other writers do it, and do it well, so why can't I demand the same from these "lesser scribes"?

Lots of writers say, "That's what I'm all about too, making real people." So of course I read whoever steers me down their path with this bait, the promise of more realistic characters. More often then not, indie or pro, they're…I don't want to say they're lying, because they may genuinely believe their writing is breaking molds. I don't want to say they're delusional either, because that's a very divisive word, and it doesn't accurately reflect the mindset of these writers. But usually, what they see as groundbreaking is really just an examination of the same projected values that have been used for a while now. They don't build on the old work, or attempt to break it down. Their cutout characters are just as fake as the characters from previous works. This isn't standing on the shoulders of giants to offer a new variant of their old work. It's standing on the shoulders of hacks and offering photocopies of older lousy characters with new dialogue.

I can't say I'm doing much better as a writer, because a lot of my work over the last two years has been in reaction to something else that I'd read or seen. Whether my reaction is good or bad doesn't really matter. I'm still riffing off of other artists. Even my good stories that reviewers praised as original still had origins from someone else. Zombie Punter was inspired by Brian Keene's Dead Sea. (The villain of that first Zombie Era book, Blaine Kerne, is an anagram of Brian Keene… except for the L… and why did I only notice that now? y_y ANYWHO.) Sandy Morrison and the Pack of Pussies was inspired by the werecats in Kept by Zoe Winters. Adopting a Sex Doll was inspired by a news article about Japanese "companion dolls" coupled with my memory hiccuping and recalling the Bradbury film The Electric Grandmother. Penny for Your Debts is my protest of the idea of a "hidden" magic school in Harry Potter and presents a very dark and morally twisted take on magic mentors. Bran of Greenwood and the Scary Fairy Princess is my protest of The Hunger Games. Peter the Wolf was inspired by Twilight. Yes, really. You can even tell because I use the same "preview prologue" that hints at one thing happening, when in fact something vastly different happens in the story. Peter reads Twilight at Alice's prompting, and later—under the influence of a lot of drugs—Peter comments, "Edward, I love you."

I could go on, but my point is, I'm not so original. That's not what causes me to explode at bad writing, the lack of originality. It's bad characters. It's the acceptance by so many writers to eschew any sense of real life from their characters in favor of a projection of a false moral value because "that's where the money is." And I need to be clear that I know lots of writers DON'T do this. I haven't gotten around to reading everyone to sort out which people are real artists and which are hacks yet, and I'm not claiming that this is how everyone does it. I'm saying, these are the popular character tropes that drive me bonkers and send me away from a lot of mainstream books.

Nevertheless, I have read a lot of fiction that makes me explode, and that's why every new book is a potential landmine. Will this one burn me up really bad in an early blast, or will I just catch a light burn from the occasional mild flare up? Will I toss another book and feel cheated for buying it, or will I close the back cover and find myself wanting more from the same story? Will I feel like my time was wasted and could have been better spent writing stories, or will I feel diminished as a writer and wish I could write that good?

I don't suppose that makes me so different from other writers, or other readers for that matter. We all have this criteria for what is good or bad in fiction. But my perspective as a member of a fringe society often taints my view, so for instance, I hate demon and vampire hunter stories. I would much rather read about vampires than I would about self-righteous humans who murder endangered species so they can protect our seven billion strong populations from "evil." (Human evil is fine, but if you're a genuine blood sucker, fuck you, you gotta die.) I seriously doubt anyone would want to read it, but I'd love to see a book where cows rose up and developed "human hunters" using a network of chicken spies to fight against the evils of Ronald McDonald and the Dread Burger King. It would serve as the counter-protest to all those vampire hunter books by parodying everything vampire hunters claim to believe as their "core morals." The cows and chickens hold the same moral values and vampire hunters, but when it's our food rebelling against us, we'd still feel totally justified in putting down that rebellions fast. Bitches gotta eat, right?

And don't look at me like that. I've been to a steakhouse recently and had both cow and chicken on the same plate, WHILE listening to John Morrissey singing Meat is Murder. I'm that much of a bitch. And like I said, bitches gotta eat.

Mainstream fiction doesn't help me fit in when the few times one of my people show up, we're usually either depicted as a caricature or a mockery. Everything I believe in and hold dear, the mainstream hero sees as "perversion." So with just a few sentences, a writer can lose me even as they're gaining the approval of millions of other people by validating the harmful stereotypes the readers already believe in.

So, getting back to the why I get mad, I think that I get so overly emotional about my character complaints because writers are still using the same formulas I saw when I was a teen. I was mad back then, but now it's even worse because there's still no incentive for writers to abandon theses formulas. I saw other people complaining about these things for years, just like me, but no one in the writing world has listened to us because the money of other buyers speaks louder. So we have the same stories with the same fake values, over, and over, and over. This is why I stopped reading mystery fiction, and why I stopped reading thrillers and suspense. Because I can always count on the author to beat me about the head and shoulders with their sense of literary morals.

Not their real morals, mind you. This is the projection of black and white morals they only wished they had. Or maybe they don't, and they just think this is what people will buy, and they believe something else entirely. I don't know. But to me, the stories they sell are a poor reflection of real people. I want them to stop making those kinds of phony characters, but can't convince them to do so because the formulas are still so very, very profitable. Readers like being lied to. No, they fucking LOVE it. Any attempt to introduce elements of the awkward truth will make them complain about having their preferred lies challenged. If the formula doesn't give them total escapism, then there must be something wrong with the story, not with the viewer.

I like being lied to in fiction too, but I'm picky and ask, "Can't you make this con a little more convincing for me?" I keep "forgetting" (read: ignoring) there's a million other readers who didn't ask, and who bought the con job completely. So why I'm really mad is that the con isn't set up for someone smarter like me. It's designed for the lowest common denominator, and my dissatisfaction with the con is seen as "unfortunate, but probably unavoidable."

Indeed, this is true, and you can't please everyone. And, what pleases me in fiction often irritates other people. Which is why I don't think it's such a big deal that I can't hit the big time. The values I hold are not en vogue, and the stories I write do not validate mainstream values. So, no million dollars in sales for me.

Which makes me wonder if part of the bitterness is resentment that these stories should have such widespread success, and yet I can't even eke out a niche market for any of my titles. But I don't feel bitter at the writers. They submitted their stories to an average of 20-40 places, and they've all done work on promoting their stuff. Even the writers who I think of as hacks are still out there busting their asses for their successes. So I'm not really upset at them for their work, even if I don't agree with the values they project.

I'm upset with a society that accepts on all fronts that they are being lied to, and yet show no desire for anything better. I'm upset with the apathy that accepts lousier TV show premises just because "nothing better is on." I'm upset with the acceptance of cop show morality as a real life value. I'm upset with the wholesale acceptance of a thousand harmful stereotypes about fringe groups in society. And most of all, I'm upset because there will never be a large-scale desire to change these writing trends.

We live in the "good enough" society, where whatever we're given as entertainment is good enough. Even if the standards go lower and we should be upset, people still shrug and say "good enough." So, another part of my anger is helpless raging against a society that is still quite comfortable with othering through the use of "Us VS Them" black and white values in their fiction. Perhaps I wouldn't have all this rage if I were on the inside looking out. But being on the outside, I've also looked through history from the same position, and I've found society only willing to change values when forced to do so by the most extreme circumstances. I do not have those kinds of resources available, nor the desire to take over the world. No, not even the literary world. It's too big, and I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it.

So I write books that no one wants but that do satisfy my need for variety, and when I get tired of writing and want something to clear my head, I venture out of my writing cubby hole to examine my pile of landmines. Is it a book written by someone I know? Is it likely to end a friendship if I hate the book? Cause that adds another layer of repulsiveness to picking up some of the titles in my pile. I like the writers I hang with, and if I don't like their writing, I don't want it to be the end of our friendship. Yet I've lost a LOT of friends because I had to say, "I'm sorry, but I hated your book."

And some of you might say, "Well duh, Zoe. You're supposed to lie to friends about their books." To that I say, No, you're not. That you've accepted the idea of lying to friends as being better than the truth shows yet again how you are part of the good enough society. It's your casual acceptance of lies in every facet of your life as being better than the truth because they're more convenient or somehow less painful. (Provided no one admits they're lying or gets busted.) A lot of people feel that I should lie to them and make them think I'm a similar kind of person to them if I want them to read my stuff. I should not tell the truth bluntly, because the truth is too divisive. Lies allow for real conformity in communities, and that makes them better. I totally disagree with this. Which makes me about as popular as pet rocks, but eh popularity is highly overrated.

So, to recap, I get mad reading or watching these kinds of stories because I'm wasting my time and my money on something that insults me as a person, or because it insults my intelligence. I get mad because there is a widespread acceptance of these values, even though we also acknowledge how unrealistic the writing formulas are. I get mad because these projected values will never be contested by people inside the mainstream bubble. Lastly, I get mad because nothing I write will crack into the market and convince others to abandon those projected values. I will never convince anyone to boycott bad writing. (and by that, I mean writing on my blog, not my fiction. I know my fiction isn't bestseller material. I accept that. I'm just saying I won't blog any article that sets readers on fire and makes them demand new writing standards. They like the standard as is. So as a minority member in a pool of happy readers, I lose. That's what I'm saying.)

And, in conclusion, this is why rum and pot are my best friends. Because someone with as many reasons to be this pissy about fiction needs sedatives so that other people won't strangle the living shit out of me.

The state of trans rights…

Today I want to bring two trans stories to your attention and then talk about the similarities between them. The usual caution is urged for any new readers: If you don't like being told you're privileged or sheltered, stop reading now. First, I want to point to a story that some people would call a victory. The EU court of human rights determined that Turkey has violated the rights of a trans woman, and has intentionally suppressed her legal rights all the way up to the highest courts in their country. Now she has validation that it happened. But, this is not a victory. It is only an admission of guilt from an outside party. It's a judge saying, "Yep, they did it, all right." There will be no fine, nor any changes to Turkey's legal mindset as a result of that judge's admission of guilt.

This is a common story that displays the problems that trans people face everywhere, in almost every country. Trans folks are not real people with the same legal rights as straights, and we can't rely on the social safety nets that cigendered people take for granted. We cannot trust police because they have a history of abusing and even raping our people in custody. Our homeless people are not welcome in most shelters, and rape centers turn us away because our presence is "too triggery for the real victims of rape." (And sadly, yes, there are sheltered women who claim there is no such thing as a raped man. That's a whole other ball of wax, though. I digress.) In natural disasters, organizations like the Red Cross won't turn away anyone else…EXCEPT for trans victims. They wouldn't want to risk offending anyone else by offering aid to us. Ain't that some shit?

This is worldwide. And the only way this woman in Turkey won her case was by going to an outside authority. Worse, her victory does not mean things will change in Turkey. It just means that the EU court has wagged its finger at Turkey for "bad form." Nothing changes. This is not a victory for anyone, not even the victim herself. It is a sign of the times for us, which sadly don't look that different from three and four decades back.

In this second story, a trans teen was ejected from school for using the bathroom. Pretty simple to understand, so I don't need to elaborate. When asked, people automatically say, "Of course I support tolerance and diversity." But let a queer walk into a public toilet looking suspiciously non-gender-conformed in ANY country, and suddenly even the liberals are getting stupid. "Aaaiieee! They might want to rape our children in the bathroom!" Really? You think this transitioning high school girl is REALLY going to the girl's public toilet at her school because she's trying to find a new way to rape your daughter in her clever disguise?

No, people, she's going in there to take a leak just like your kid, wash her hands, and…no wait, that's how straight people use a public toilet. Trans people sneak in, make sure no one freaks at their arrival, then quickly move to a stall to pee. They debate leaving with this little victory and with pee on their hands, or with going to risk a longer exposure at the sinks. They opt to wash their hands for the sake of public hygiene and get harassed at the sinks by some church lady screaming about her child's defiled virgin brain being violated by the sight of a queer being queer in a public bathroom, of all places. They then try to make a graceful escape while the church lady summons security because one of those uppity queers done forgot their place again. (They are then caught at the door while fleeing and are banned for life from the place of business as criminals, even though this SHOULD all be considered discrimination against the trans person's human rights.)

And while I'm on the topic, there is another, much larger group of people used to societal segregation and the idea that some people are inferior by right of external appearances. If we had the support of that much larger group, the resulting clout would be damned hard for the government to ignore. But we don't count those people as a group as trans allies because their thought leaders have wrongly declared that we do not have a real civil rights fight like they do. So we can only pick and choose allies based on individual screenings and awkward interviews that neither side likes dealing with. It's not a great way to build a political revolution.

Trans people face prejudice so bad that our population has a 42% suicide rate. We have a depressingly high number of murders, and this years Trans Day of Remembrance will have a very long list of names, including a woman in New York who was murdered right after gay marraige was passed. No one noticed. Oh, I reported it. But no one spread the word from there. The news updates stop with me.

While that other population is reduced to thefts and drug dealing as a result of job discrimination, our people are forced into prostitution and pornography to make ends meet. In either field, the people they work with or for see them more often as "she-males" instead of females. To avoid this forced sex work, we have to move to a few places with gender protection, only to discover that the cops in those places still won't respect those discrimination laws. The federal government should be speaking out on this, but play at our rights with trifling gimme gestures like the passport rule without passing more important laws like ENDA or eliminating hateful laws like DOMA. Sure, they'll let us queers leave the country with our passport carrying the right letter in the sex field, but we are not granted the same legal protections offered to all straight US citizens while we're staying home. That is so, so FUBAR. Oh, and while the gays are one step closer to serving in the military after the fall of DADT, trans soldiers are still listed as Section 8, just like good old crazy Klinger.

We cannot rely on the police anymore than a young black man in an inner city could. We have the same dismal education options, and even when we are allowed to use a public school, the "public toilet" is off limits to us. (Let's not even talk about daily bullying, enforced isolation, and brutal shaming acts like being urinated on by groups of boys.) We trans people know exactly what segregation is like, and yet, we can't get the other victims of segregation to acknowledge the similarity of our positions. Our rights are considered a wedge issue to use against every other minority, and even the gays have displayed a willingness to abandon us when it seems politically expedient.

I really don't mean to compare miseries, but I earlier reported on the story of a trans Occupy Wall Street protester who was chained to a toilet in their cell and refused food for 14 hours. No other protester was treated to extra torment and humiliation. The police only felt justified in torturing the trans protester because he's not a real person. (He's a FtM trans, by the way. I can get my pronouns right, really.) And while people have rightly been up in arms about Olsen being shot with a rubber bullet (it pissed me off too, so I totally get your anger and am not belittling it), they have quickly forgot that the New York police tortured and starved an innocent trans protester just to amuse themselves. That's because cisgendered people, and even some gay cigendered folks, don't care about trans people. Hey, we're only 1% of the world population anyway, so who should care? We're only the least of you, and it's not like a young and rebellious rabbi you respect didn't have something to say about the least of you. Or rather, he did and most of you choose to ignore that part because it's more morally convenient for you.

Which is always what frustrates me about any talk about civil rights. By default, I, as a member of the most abused group, am not allowed to bring any of my issues to the civil rights discussion table. I have to respect the views of every other minority at the table, even to the people who think I'm faking my bisexuality, or who think I'm a spy from the men trying to infiltrate the women's ranks, or who think I'm just a confused gay man who mutilated myself in a bid to convert straight men. (These are not views held by "ignorant right-wing religious nuts," by the way. These are views held by gay men, "womyn born womyn," rad-fem lesbians, and other rad-fem groups.)

Every other minority at the table has more privilege than us, and not one group at the table doesn't have a problem with letting their fringe members spit on us when we ask to talk about our issues. They remain silent in the face of our abuse because they wouldn't wish to "silence an ally." So they allow abuse of one ally by another, and they won't speak up about it.

You think I'm lying? ENDA was killed by Pelosi and Frank. That would be the first woman speaker of the house and a true liberal, and the first openly gay senator. (Who is also a well-known transmisogynist.) That's who killed the trans-inclusive ENDA, with help from HRC and other GL lobbies. Not the "evil" Republicans, although they totally would have helped if they were asked. No, it was the most liberal Democrats in office who personally stabbed trans folks and threw them under the bus. (They still failed to pass their watered down bill, so their cowardice and betrayal should sting as bitter defeat for the GL folks not just because ENDA lost, but because their leaders' betrayals cost the GL lobbies a lot of of their T support.)

When our so-called allies are willing to screw us without regrets, you can imagine how much fun the far right has in abusing us. And, what's worse is, they know they can get away with it, because NO ONE WANTS TO STOP THEM. Everyone says they support us, but when pressed to write to their elected offical and ask for ENDA, everyone I've approached has been openly hostile about not discriminating against trans people.

You can talk all you like about having an open mind or supporting diversity. You can lecture me about how I don't really know you at all. But until you start talking to the politicians about this, on EVERY level of government, they're going to assume the silent majority is still a bunch of transmisogynists. Maybe the recent opinion polls are right and that's not really true. Maybe the world isn't as anti-trans as its governments and controlling bodies are. But that's what the leaders assume, that the people who elected them still hate trans people, and they act accordingly.

Being honest, looking at the numbers of discrimination suits that trans workers have to file, and looking at the election results for anti-gay laws, I can very fairly say that even in so-called liberal work environments, I don't believe half of you people when you say you support us. Your voting results don't back up your claims that I'm misrepresenting you as close-minded bastards.

So no, I don't think silent people are really that open minded when it comes to the election polls instead of the opinion poles. Really, I think lots of people just spout their allegiance to diversity so they can act incensed over my anger, flipping my genuine victimhood into their privileged chance to belittle me and complain about how hard they have it in life.

I have it pretty good right now, despite my problems with multiple sclerosis and these constant weather shifts turning me into an emotional blender. But the only reason I have life good now is because someone else is caring for me. If I had to rely on the kindness of US strangers to fund my livelihood, I would have starved, never had my surgery, moved to another country, planet-hopped like a celebrity, or made any of those "impressive" moves that other people claim I did. Or bought a couch, for that matter. I didn't do shit except spend other peoples' money and let other people drive of fly me to different locations. What others see as my hard work on my "amazing" transition is really the story of how a few merciful Samaritans came to my rescue through the most unusual of circumstances. I am damn lucky to have gotten out of Texas and into Italy, a country that recognizes all of my gender rights. If it wasn't for Luche and his family, I would be dead in Texas. Because if someone else hadn't killed me, I'd have killed myself to escape the misery. Without my "Lucky Luciano," I wouldn't be the awesome bitch I am today. If I wasn't dead, I'd still be a defeated and angry person. Now I'm victorious and angry. I know, it's hard to tell the difference.

But, now that I got mine, I'm not looking away and pretending things are all better. I got people in Texas that I wish I could send funds to to pay for their transition and legal fees. But they told me I had to stop sending moeny or it would risk their welfare benefits. So I can't donate cash without making things worse. That is so fucked up. I'm not allowed to help my "sister", by law. My plans to make money and import her over her by exposing straight people to art looking at the other side of life hit a snag because the mainstream lacks empathy for anyone who is beneath them. So I'm flat broke because I write fucked up stories that nobody wants to know about. This may sound like bitterness at closed minds…that's because it is. But only a little bit.

Yet whenever I get funds from hubby, I'm constantly passing it to other people, no matter who they are. Why? Because I have empathy for y'all. So when someone says, "Oh, crap, guys I'm in trouble," I don't care if you're straight or queer, or even if you're someone I dislike and regularly disagree with. If I have cash and you need it, I'm going to email you and ask, "You got PayPal?" Over the last four years, if I'd not had this spending habit, I'd probably have the money to fly to Thailand for the second half of my surgery. But I can't get back into an "all-me" mindset to cut you people loose. So if I can help, I will try. Yes, even if you hate my guts and think I'm a freak. I'm stupid like that.

I don't do it to get back anything in return, but I would have thought these deeds would result in me gaining some small measure of empathy with other people, and that I could then use that empathy to explain these civil rights problems to them. And in most cases, the result is animosity toward me, accusations that I don't know them, or that I'm just full of shit. I've lost multiple friendships trying to explain how bad our lot in life is, and every time, the problem is, I get mad when my friends begin erasing and belittling our problems. So I say, "You're not respecting us!" and they drop insults and resort to calling me names, proving they didn't respect me in the first place. And this is after hanging out with these people for a few years, donating to their causes quietly in the background only to have someone publicly thank me for my help. Even after they knew I'd give them shirt off my back for their causes, they still could not feel empathy for the cause I presented for all-inclusive civil rights.

Some of you may be thinking, "Well Zoe, it's not like you have so few rights compared to me." Is your marriage invalid in your home country? No? Mine is. I can't bring hubby back to the US. Should I divorce him and come back to meet another guy, I can't marry them in Texas because that's gay marraige. And, I can't marry a woman either because that's also gay marraige, unless I change my birth certificate's gender marker and lie about being male. I have to move to a state and call my relationship a gay marriage to please the vanities of straight people, so I'm barred from straight marriage no matter which way I go.

I can be discriminated from most jobs should my gender status be revealed, and should I be arrested, it's a crap shoot whether I'll make it the first night without abuse in some form. Complete strangers who recognize my gender queer status feel no shame in walking up and attempting to guilt trip me for "being a heathen." And oh yeah, I'm barred from attending most religious services except in the most liberal of churches. And even there, the cisgendered and straight worshipers kind of hope I won't talk too much about my queerness. So, I'm a minority being actively stepped on, and some of you privileged people complain at me, "But why can't you find a positive way to talk about this?" (Or worse, folks claim that I'm using old abuses as ways to keep my anger going. This view erases and ignores the fact that my rights are still being abused daily. By so-called allies, no less.)

I don't expect this to change, so I want to leave you with this final thought: When you start to complain about how unfair your life is, think about how good you have it compared to some people. Think about what you take for granted that we're not allowed to have. Think about how even the simplest act of taking a piss become a political event for us, and a reason for straights to punish one of ours for stepping out of line again.

Keep that kind of daily abuse in mind so that the next time you see someone in a minority group complain about being mistreated, your first response isn't to belittle their experiences as "being common." No, it's not true, and the sooner you stop belittling and discriminating against us, the sooner we trans folks can get over our outrage at being fourth-class citizens.

Important contact update…

So, yesterday I got a new smartphone, an Optimus 7 from LG, and I'm getting it set up with all my various blogs and email accounts. Of course it has the option to synch multiple accounts so I can get all my mail in one consolidated inbox, but I've decided to start phasing out the use of my branded email addy in favor of using a Live addy instead. Mainly I'm changing because my branded account through GoDaddy only has 25MB of storage, forcing me to juggle emails and delete them even if I might have needed them.

I'm cross-posting this update to all sites, and I'll begin changing my email links to avoid confusion. I want to be clear about my contact info, so here's a short list of contact addys and explanations for which to use:

zoe_e_w@live.com

Use this for sending me personal messages, corrections to my blogs, or requests to review my books. You can pitch guest posts for most any topic related to writing, and you can send posts to the same place. This is also the addy to write to me for corrections or private comments on the amuserial site.

immatureadult@live.com

This is the addy to use for all corrections or suggestions for the immatureadults blog. This is the addy to go with if you have a guest post, guest review, or a private comment if you don't feel right sharing your opinions in public. It's also the address you'll want to request reviews of your existing IA titles, beta reading for unpublished titles, or to pitch ideas for guest posts on the immatureadults blog.

zoe@zoewhitten.com

Still active as a personal account, but messages sent to this addy will most likely also get a reminder to use one or the other of the new addresses.

I'm sorry for the change, but this way I won't have to dump important files or messages to make room for new incoming files and messages. And as I'm using a Live account, I shouldn't need to change addys on y'all again.

So one lat time, sorry for the changes, and for me having to cross-post this in so many blogs.

Just one more, to rub it in…

Sure, I already have a positive post for today, but why not do just one more? Here's a post explaining how Russel Pearce, the author of the racist SB 1070, got recalled over his hateful rhetoric. Hehehehehe! Oh, I'm over here just loving me some schadenfreude in copious quantities right about now. So sorry hater-dude, but you sowed hate among the people who elected you, and now you reap the rewards, buddy. Damn, that's almost biblical or something. And I oughta know, cause my bible's on the bookshelf, right here within easy reach…next to my copies of Defense Against the Dark Arts and High Ritual Magic, as reference material.

So, it looks like the conservatives took off their masks and went full anti-abortion, anti-immigrant, and anti-gay, and they found out that they don't have support for these issues even with the majority of their own people. They can't peddle hate outright. They have to be subtle, and they forgot to be subtle. So now they're getting spanked for admitting they're misogynists and racists, among other things. Ain't karma a bitch?

I really don't know what else the day will bring, but thus far, the news feed from Twitter has been giving me feel lots of reasons to feel hope that not everybody in America is drugged into complacence by their unrelenting corporate bosses. Hope is such a needed thing in all times, but right now, when so many jerks and dickheads are preaching hate openly, it's heartening to see the voters respond with, "Ick, no thanks."

Now, if we could just convince you guys to get behind a few civil rights initiatives this next elective cycle, I'd appreciate it. No, I don't expect it now. I know everyone is focusing on other things. But once this elective cycle ends, I'd really like to beg for a campaign for a trans-inclusive ENDA from y'all. You've seen recently that yes, properly motivated, you can turn down bad law and recall bad lawmakers. And this is fantastic. If you could please apply that same energy to this one pet issue of mine, I swear that I will continue to be a fierce and passionate fighter for civil rights for all groups, and not just the T groups. I won't give up on y'all just because I got mine. Of course, I can't prove that till I got mine. But that's a conversations for sometime in 2012, I guess. The main point today is, haters are getting spanked for being a little too honest. And the truth has set at least one lawmaker free. (To explore his options in hate lobbying, no doubt.)

Aw, yeah. There's going to be some celebrating in this palace tonight, let me tell you. No small victories tonight. We're drinking to some major wins, bitches. Cheers! (^_^)

Congratulations three-way. (Or good news for once.)

Long, long ago, my mother told an already world-weary 19-year-old, "You watch, the revolution is coming." And I told her, "The revolution isn't coming because nobody wants to change the current system. The middle class eats well, so they have no reason to fight for poor people." I had no idea at the time that the conservatives were going to launch a campaign against the middle class and convince them to become poor people. I also had no idea that the GOP, through Fox and other toxic thought forums, would convince all those newly converted poor people to further fuck themselves by voting in consistently more vile politicians with every elective cycle.

Over the previous year, I kept bitching about this and asking, "What's your limit, people? When do you snap and stop letting them do this?"

Well here's the answer, in big bold print. (Bolding is mine.) Mississippi said NO to personhood for zygotes over personhood for people. Way to go, guys. Really, fantastic job, and I can't be more proud. Two, Democrats in Ohio won a key election, meaning the gay marriage law cannot be revisited and repealed by the GOP. So hate doesn't win in Ohio either. Hahahaha.

And people, let's talk about Occupy in all its multifaceted and growing glory. No broad brush attack can cover all the people in this movement to dismiss them. You can't call it anti-military when two of the victims of police brutality were Iraq and Afghanistan war vets. The soldiers are in on this. The teachers are in on this. We even got some lawyers…though they swear they're the good kind, so we're taking them at their word for now. But anyway, there's old folks with walkers out on the streets, protesting with all the conviction and anger of the college kids. I want to quote an old song, just so I can show it's no longer valid.

Young people speaking their minds, and gettin' so much resistance from behind

It's not happening this time. The occupy kids have parents who see how bad things are, and they're with their kids on what the best medicine is: we all need less corporate corruption. The grandparents are in on this plan because it makes so much sense. There's Republicans out there marching with Democrats, liberals with conservatives, cats are laying with dogs; mass hysteria, basically. And…it's working. Those pissed off people who failed to mount boycotts against companies like Amazon and AT&T for years have now suddenly got up and moved 60 BILLION dollars out of banks. Fuck yes.

And there really is nothing bad to report aside from the cops in some cities being typical cops at a protest. (Not all of them are like this, and reports of police behavior at OccupyMaine have been extremely encouraging.) Some cops hire instigators and try to make the protests look bad in some cities. It fails because there are other cities where the protests are not being artificially agitated.

The meme "the people are tired of the revolutions" is also not reaching the people. They no longer trust the messages from corporate news on this issue. So now they tune to social media to get their local protest news because they trust us more. We're winning the image wars because the corporate pigs can't stop lying, even when it might be in their best interests to come clean and admit they were lying. Let me rephrase that to something shorter: We're winning. Hell yeah.

So, what happened? You were starving, that's what happened. Mom was right, and I was too. The revolutions were coming, for many countries. But they came because corporations chose to let everyone else starve while they hoarded all the cash in the world. It's the stupidest plan ever, and yet, it's so very, very popular with the 1%. Take all the toys from everyone else and gloat about having everything…and then act shocked when the starving people you're standing on react with outrage. The French aristocrats tried the same plan. Apparently, the 1% isn't big on studying history. Well…can't say I'll regret what's coming to them. =^D

So what happened is, a lot of people learned what it feels like to have their privilege taken from them by someone bigger, and they know what it feels like having the authorities shrug and say, "So what?" The circumstances for how it happened to you were perhaps less violent than what I experienced, but they've been no less damaging to your mental health, to your physical well being, and to your "pursuit of happiness." So now you have some idea of why I'm always so pissed off, and no shock, you're not able to find a positive outlet for your outrage either.

You gots to RAGE. You're all good and righteously pissed off about having your privileges revoked. And, I totally want to validate your need for anger. Let that out, and let people know you're mad. Protest, and don't be afraid to admit this kind of shit pisses you off. I've been where you are, and I am still there now. This is why I'm so totally empathizing with you occupy people. That's why my twitter feed has been full of Occupy updates no matter where the location is. As new locations spring up, I report on them too.

I do it because this is awesomesauce to me. A non-violent nationwide US protest against corporate greed? Oh, yes please, sign me up to be a proud reporter of that movement. Their victories in each city are truly a victory for everyone in the movement, so long as we all keep reporting the good news when we see it. We have to be the reporters who see the message while corporate reporters continue to shrug and falsely declare, "They don't seem to have any clear message." Oh, yes, they do, and they are beginning to drive that point home in ways that make this shriveled and bitter heart of mine swell with pride.

So, there you go, one post where it's all sunshine and good news, and I have not one cross word to offer, except perhaps to boo the defeated proponents of hate. I know they'll continue to fight for the right to treat others as human scum. But today, they lost, and we win. And yes, this is totally me doing a victory tea bagging dance over the teabaggers. X^D

Why retired feels good…

Coming back from Lucca, I'm engaged in something a li'l different from NaNoWriMo for November. Instead, I'm working on NoMoWriYo, and as you can see from the All Maid Up update, I was not entirely successful. I've also been writing bits of Sandy Morrison and the Pixie Prohibition, and I have a strong idea of how the last book goes for Peter, so I may be ready to tackle closing that series before the end of the year. I think it depends on how long it takes me to finish Sandy and Ginger's stories. In any case, as soon as I finish Peter's book, I'm doing another werewolf story, just to keep in a similar theme. They will be gay werewolves, but they won't sparkle. Probably.

My writing schedule is probably full until April or so, at which point, I may have to muse on my options. Obviously, everything is going slower now that I'm not writing all day like I used to. After writing for my designated three hours today, I decided to clean my desk. This led me to also clean and organize my bookshelf, and to make backup copies of all my recent work from the last few months. After this, I read more from my current stack of books from other people, played Mini Ninjas and beat the Earth boss, played Naruto: Rise of a Ninja and survived my first trio of matches, and watched one episode of DNA^2 and two of Lain. All in all, it's been a great day. Almost a perfect day. A perfect day would be if I had short person to share all this cool shit with. Hubby is old, and shiny gadgets don't excite him, despite him being an Apple guy.

But alas, no short people. I have to enjoy my shiny by myself. It's really not as much fun. Even just having my sister-in-law over to ooh and ah is a decent substitute, and she's older than me. She's still shorter, so it counts. But she's kinda busy working and all, and I'm not allowed to kidnap her for madcap misadventures.

Anywho, the thing is, all this shiny acquisition has been recent, and until this year, I couldn't have afforded much shiny stuff without lots of begging and pleading to hubby. (This is how I'm getting my smartphone… begging and pleading hubby.) But what happened to change things is, I stopped spending every dime I had on only one hobby. I didn't want to for a long time because I'd gotten into this mindset that maybe with just one more release and promotional push, I'd find a real market. I don't often add up all the costs, but the truth is, I've invested about 3,500 euros over the course of four years into paying editors, cover artists, and paying into various marketing services. Those services worked as advertised and brought traffic, almost all of it one-time visitors. This is not the fault of the services, nor do I think the visitor should have hung around more. It just didn't work out. So now, I have absolutely no hope of recovering the money I invested, and while I have lots of work in the queue, none of it inspires confidence for "going viral."

This year, I decided to let the investments go and just publish the work as cheaply as possible. Right away, I've suffered hits in lower visibility and lower sales. Which sucks, really. But paying for all those bells and whistles for the last few years meant that I didn't get to spend any of the incoming money that I got, either by way of a job, my monthly allowance (100 euros, usually), or just as birthday or holiday cash. It always went to my writing, like writing and promoting myself were my digital crack, and I just had to try one more fix to see if it would take. Only I'm done paying for new fixes because none of the old ones worked. No matter how much time or money I spent, no title did well. They reviewed well. But they sure didn't sell well. Oh well.

I know this probably comes across as bitterness. It was a sore spot for me, spending so much money all to have it come out to a daily "meh" on my results. But like I said, this is the year where I used my gift money in Spring to buy a guitar and amp. I used the money I got from a summer editing job to buy my TV and Xbox, and when I've been given my monthly allowance, it's gone to games and comics instead of editors and cover artists.

Which sucks because sales aren't as good without me investing in promotion. Sales aren't as good without me buying covers. But, when I have two complete flops out and know it opening day, I don't have to go to pieces on y'all. I don't even have to spend much effort asking you to buy the new books. I'm heading to the living room to indulge in my other hobbies, because clearly, nothing from this month is going to fly with y'all. And hey, your options were porn or rhyming smut, so I totally understand if you skip to next month's selection. And no, I still haven't decided what to release next.

What I'm getting at is, writing as a hobby became fun again because I stopped spending money on it. I'm not feeling like I'm losing money, and so if stuff doesn't sell, no big deal. I'm only out 9.95 if I sprung for an ISBN number, and I won't bother with that unless I have a cover. And I won't bother with a cover unless the sales on all my other titles nets enough funds to properly pay an artist. But I'm still not paying for those covers with my pocket money. I need that money for more games, books, and comics. It's…um, research material.

I know it sucks that I'm not putting as much effort into my art with pretty covers and pro edits. I'm sorry that I cannot afford to promote my work more effectively. And that's a genuine apology, not one followed by a "but…" I wish I had more funds to handle some marketing blitzkriegs, or that I could afford a publicist. I want to work with editors on every title. But even talking to indies, their very reasonable rates are out of my budget. The only way I could afford their rates is if I had a day job, and I have MS, so I have no day job. The closest I have to a day job is the occasional editing job. I get GREAT rates as an editor, (thank you to my generous employers!) but once taxes take a chunk and I give hubby half my check for bills, that doesn't leave much for me. And, did I mention I only work 1-2 times per year?

Now some of you have called me entitled for complaining about this, so I want you to please try to appreciate this from a different angle. For four years, I spent everything I had on waving my books around in front of you. I bought covers and paid editors, all for you, because you said, "I want these things, Zoe, or I'm not willing to buy your little self-published project." And I said, "Okay." Then months later, I was like, "Look, I did those things like you asked and the book is on sale…hello? Hello? D'oh, you're not going to buy it, are you?"

And you never called, and you never wrote…

Ahem. I have made huge strides in my writing quality since that first self-published book at Lulu, but none of my efforts in promoting books worked. The successes I had were for the books I wasn't promoting, which was like unintentional salt in the wound: "good job selling books! Pity you still suck as a marketer." But anywho, I sacrificed all my free cash into this effort of getting your attention for my stuff, and it didn't work.

So I said fuck it and I stopped spending money. And now I'm happy just writing for me. Which is good, cause without sending out review copies, ain't no way I'm getting any new reviews.

Some people say "Hey Zoe, you should just write for you and not worry about that stuff like sales numbers or reviews." Uh…okay, and I'm still writing for me. Yay! In fact, I'm doing a free series, AND I'm still continuing my plans to release one book a month for a whole year, whether they sell or not. I have plans to keep writing MORE clunkers too.

I've had…hold on, I need to use my fingers to count…5 failures out of 7 recent releases. (remember, twice recently I've posted two books in the same month.) With every failure, I've wailed my woes into my Xbox via LIPS or Limbo or Kinect Adventures. This is a damned fine consolation prize.

BUT, then we went to Lucca, where I had a chance to deeply fondle my nerd roots, and it really got me thinking about what I was gaining by giving up my promotional cash. I decided to buy Italian dubbed anime DVDs to help me finish my studies so I can speak this language. I understand so much more than I can speak, and this is very frustrating for me, to have people I've known for years and still can't speak to in their native tongue.

This is a roundabout way of saying I have all kinds of other distractions and hobbies now, and I have these because I cut off writing's access to my wallet. And, now that I have all these other hobbies, it's okay for writing to just be a hobby too. So, this month's releases aren't getting sales. I didn't invest anything in promotion, nor did I solicit any reviewers, so I'm not surprised by the lack of response. Better luck next month, and in the meantime there's always LIPS and Fruit Ninja to console my wounded ego. (Not saying my ego is wounded, or that you can't appreciate my genius…although I do have an extremely high IQ, and you really can't value that. No, you can't. No. I'm sorry.)

Which is not to say I wouldn't like to invest money in these projects and do more for y'all. But I've only got a little money that I earn one month out of 12. I have MS, and I'm stuck in the house most of the year, and my doctors predict I'll have a really short life span. So this little bit of cash that I earn has to go on something that will give me quality of life in my final years. Which is why I totally chose video games, comics, and anime over spending another year investing in waving my books around in front of you, just so you could say "meh" again. My arms are tired from waving, and I'd much rather spend my retirement goofing off.

Hey look, I'm down to my final point fast tonight. Some of you may read all of this and say, "But Zoe, it's greedy of you to invest in frivolous stuff like games and porn. You should still spend all your money courting me." And you're half right, anyway. It is totally frivolous of me to spend my money on shinies and doodads. But y'all folks didn't buy the spit and polished products when I spent everything I had on you, and that plan just made me bitter and resentful of the successes of others. Totally not how I want to be. So I went with a new plan, and now I'm reporting, it does seem to be helping a little bit, yes.

But, if I get out a title that does work for my limited pool of readers and leads to enough sales/reviews for a working budget, I'll keep investing money back into the title, and into others. Like the publishers do, I'll use the successes to fund my future flops. And if they're all future flops, eh, I'm not a good promoter. It is just a hobby, and my other hobbies need my attention more than I need to sulk over sucking.

A brief writing ramble…

So, this month, I've actually released two books. Both of these, I'm predicting will be a wash, but for different reasons. I will explain, and you will hopefully see that I'm just being bluntly honest about my work, and not at all saying anything about y'all readers in any way. Trust me, when I have complaints about you, YOU'LL KNOW. Grrr.

Ahem, the first book I released this month was Bran of Greenwood and the Scary Fairy Princess, a D&D fantasy porn that's intentionally written badly as a protest of The Hunger Games. This leads to an amusing problem, in that to really appreciate any of the book's digs, you need to have read the book that's being targeted first. So, I'm telling people, "Before you read this, you may want to read Hunger Games first." So yeah, you have to read a YA story I despised to make the porno I wrote more accessible. Sure, makes perfect sense, right? Otherwise, all those scenes with food fixations don't make sense. Nor do you get why the nightmare's name is funny. Nor is the archery conversation funny without having the proper context. So, this is a book that is not likely to sell many units. Nevertheless, it did sell one copy on opening day, and I'm calling that my November miracle.

Since I expected this bold experiment to do a bit double plus ungood in the open market, I started thinking, I might as well publish something else that's equally unlikely to sell. Don't ask me how this passes for logic. I'm crazy. But I figured that I'd go ahead and release A Bard's Tale and just let it float quietly down the stream of the Meh river. Why? Because the story is told by Apollo, demigod of music and poetry. Apollo isn't hip to modern poetry, though. He just speaks in rhyme. Sometimes badly. Also, while the narrator is rhyming, the characters in the story are not. Well, mostly. Apollo riffs off the dialogue, but when people are talking, the flow gets broken because the words stop rhyming. So it becomes jarring to get into a flow, only to lose it by having someone talk.

So I feel like it's a success in that it is boldly different from just about everything else on the fantasy market, indie or pro. But it is also so different that it's likely to be intimidating, even for the short length as a novella. I passed this around to some poets and editors, and a lot of them loved it. But they all agreed, the style was very challenging. I've made efforts to build the document with a sort of metered flow to help make it less jarring. But if a reader walks away from this one complaining, "It's just too hard," I can't complain because it's a fair cop.

I want to say next month's work will be more accessible, but I'm debating between releasing Revival of the Magi or A Penny For Your Debt. Neither are what I'd term accessible, and on a certain level this bugs me. It's something I frequently complain about, to my muse, and to my hubby. I'm proud of the stories I write, but they aren't stuff that normal readers get all excited to jump into. I haven't written a Twilight yet. Or a Da Vinci Code.

You might ask "Why would you want to?" but that's silly. I want it because then a whole bunch of people will have read my book. Some of them might even talk about it using words with more than four letters. A few of them might not even wish for my death. And that might be something to tide me over at the nursing home. Also, the millions in sales will mean I can afford a nursing home. Just sayin'.

But me not having a huge success is mostly on me because I reject total escapism in my work and insist on saying "The world would still suck even if you had cool powers." So I've been thinking about maybe stepping away from this meme for a book or two, just for change of pace. I've also been thinking about this whole "book for the jocks" meme and it occurs to me that I really want to do a story about a straight dude who plays a sport. I have no idea which sport yet, but I know I don't want this story to be all "Darkity McDarkikins." I want the dude to have halfway decent parents, and to have some kind of crisis that doesn't revolve around needing to take steroids or overcome his "dumb jock attitude." He won't be a perfect guy either, but I'm not going to make an after school special, I swear.

But, I'm not sure yet if I want to play this completely normal, or if I want to add some kind of genre hook. All Maid Up has given me confidence that I can handle doing a teen's story without any genre tropes, and even if I love using them, I also like stretching my writing boundaries a little more with each project. Still, there's always the pull to make the main character extra special in some paranormal or metaphysical way. I'm tempted to avoid enhancing this character's physical abilities to include super speed or super strength, because it makes it harder to write about how much hard work is involved in being an athlete and a student if the character is breezing through it all effortlessly. This still leaves a lot of room for other kinds of powers that don't make it feel like the main is "cheating" to win games. Then again, I do so many stories on people with powers that doing a story about someone whose talent and skill are all natural has a powerful appeal. This is why I'm still waffling, I guess.

This is not to say that I plan to write a huge number of books about straight jocks having mundane misadventures. But I want to do one, just to say, "There, I did it." Then I can fall back on my usual hack habits of making up random people to pose in sex scenes.

I guess it's my hope that by writing one or two books strictly for the dudes, I can encourage some dudes to come to the IA label and write dudely dudes for IA reader dudes. I should probably spend more time worrying about the lack of trans characters in fiction. But I've already written about three positive trans characters and one semi-positive character, and I've created a dual gender race of shapeshifters. I've written multiple gays and a number of lesbians and bisexuals of both genders. I've even written about straight adults a few times. (Wake Up With the Kimellians, Haunting Sins, The Lesser of Two Evils, etc…) But I never wrote about a straight teenage jock before. Which sounds to me like a personal challenge.

Now I just need to figure out when to pen this ditty between Peter's last book, Susan's first book, and that gay werewolf IA I was planning. That will be about jocks too, but my weirdness will probably screw that one up.