Leslie Glass's Blog, page 412

10 Tips To Finding Peace

When there was active addiction in my family, I thought finding peace would be impossible. Or that life could ever be happy and fun. Living with, or supporting, someone who is addicted to substances is frightening, exhausting, expensive, and emotionally devastating.

You can experience many traumas and abuse you didn’t think possible. And worse, you get used to it. Destructive conditioning is part of the addiction family cycle. There’s nothing good that can be said about living with addiction. What we don’t hear about enough is that for millions of people there is hope, and light at the end of the tunnel. Recovery is possible and more people start the journey every day. Those addicted to substances can get well, and so can their families.

What’s surprising is who gets well. You never know. Hardcore substance abusers recover. Families also recover. But recovery is not something that can be done alone. Families have to be  willing to accept that addiction is a family disease in which everyone plays a part That means recovery is practicing new ways of acting and reacting, understanding what is abusive and setting boundaries. It is making life better for everyone, including yourself, even when substance abuse has not stopped. Here’s some ways that have worked for others.

Treat Yourself

Treats are different for everyone. Days are busy and some tasks are difficult or downright distasteful. So treating yourself with some activities you enjoy can really make a difference in how you feel during the day. Some people have coffee or tea breaks. Others take a walk outside or sit in the sun. Some read a book for a few minutes or catch up on journaling. Some have a snack or ride a bike, or go to the movies. Have you tried the plank challenge? Check out our 100 tips for the 100 days of summer. Treating yourself to something every day is a must for happiness.

Meditate

All right. Not everybody loves the idea of meditation. Some think it’s scary or hard. What’s important is letting go of everything and breathing even for a few minutes. Have you seen our mini mind breaks? If you inhale for 5 counts, hold for 7 counts, and exhale for 8 counts you can slow your heartbeat and calm your frazzled nerves. You can do this to the sounds of nature. Check out our Mini Mind breaks on the Reach Out Recovery Facebook page. Even ten minutes at a time will give you big benefits, although these may not be apparent immediately.

Play The Quiet Game

I need quiet. We don’t think of noise as pollution as something that bothers us, but there is a lot more of it than there used to be. We have TV’s and radios, and CD’s and phones ringing, children shouting, the garbage truck, the airport, office noises….all these things contribute to a background environment which is far from peaceful. I like to play the quiet game as much as possible. Turn everything off. It’s so relaxing to hear….nothing at all.

Move Around

Current wisdom says moving around a little every hour will work wonders. We try to get people out of the office for a short walk every day. But any activity at all that will make you feel good. If it is an activity you rarely do, so much the better. When we’re overwhelmed, we often get depressed and want to just sit or hide our heads. These are normal feelings that exacerbate the stress that builds up when we cope with addiction.

Get Spiritual

Going to Church is a great support for many, but what if you are not much of a believer? You can be spiritual in many ways. A simple, quiet place can give you peace. There you can get in touch with whatever form you want your spiritual life to take – The Great Spirit, The One-ness, The God and Goddess, Buddha, any great thinker will do. I like to light candles and keep the glow going all day. Spirituality can also restore your hope through simple gestures of caring.

Reach Out

This is what recovery is all about. Joining a support group like Al-anon, or Celebrate recovery, can give you a boost like no other. But reaching out can also be as simple as a special thank you to a waitress or a compliment to a passer by. Volunteering a few hours a week or even volunteering from time to time can be extremely rewarding. Helping people, and letting them help you is one key component to finding peace.

Make Lists When Overwhelmed

If you are dealing with a substance abuser, the word overwhelmed takes on a whole new meaning. Abusers can throw curve balls and even take pleasure in creating chaos. Whenever you are off balance, it’s easy to forget important things you have to do, so making lists helps. If it’s written down, we tend to forget less.

Journal Your Feelings

Dealing with a substance abuser can make you angry, hurt, feel victimized, vengeful, and a whole range of other negative things. Telling your family member your feelings won’t improve the situation, or give you the release and reassurance that you need. But that doesn’t mean your feelings don’t count or should be smothered and choked down. Write about what’s happening. You’re not crazy. Seeing your thoughts and feelings in black and white can help release the negative and help you feel calm again. I used to write my rage away. Now I have a lot less of it.

Look Long

When you’re in the middle of a storm, it’s hard to imagine sunny days again. So often we just struggle from day to day letting smallest details take on negative meaning and importance that hurt only us. If what is bothering you today is not really a big deal, let it go. To love your life now, no matter what’s happening, perspective helps. You can find the rainbow.

Learn To Say No

Learn when to say No. You do not always have to be available. Have you heard the saying;

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part

Well, take that to heart. Just because someone has forgotten to plan doesn’t mean you have to fix it.

The post 10 Tips To Finding Peace appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Beauty In Simple Things

A simple display looked like a mess to my friend. Instead, I saw pure beauty. The greens and yellows and browns intermingle and swirl in tight patterns on the blown glass ornament that was created by a friend new to the art. There were several strewn about his desk, each a different color scheme, each a slightly different take on ‘round’.”

Simple Perfection

What he saw as not perfect, I saw as perfectly unique. Each globe ready to take the light and fracture it into slivers that would dance across the floors and walls where it landed. Each one colorful in its own way and ready to complement the décor of the room where it would hang.

Several made their way to the mantel, where they are set aglow when multicolored lights are woven into the greenery between them. Their shapes and sizes and colors add depth to the display and there is a certain excitement in knowing they were the firsts. These are decorations that no one else has; they were made by mistake – an artistic oops that is just as valuable as the perfectly round ones that can be purchased in a store. These were a gift from a fledgling glass blower, a friend and colleague whose technique is still fresh. Whose wonderment and perspective is evident in his creations and whose skill continues to result in a more diverse and colorful world.

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Horses Know Your Truth

Horses will always be horses. As prey animals, they are forever on the alert for changes in their environment. Their behaviors are honest, not fraught with the attached meanings common in human language.

In Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (EAP), horses interact with clients in crisis allowing them to make connections between what’s happening in the ring/pasture with what happens in their everyday relationships.

To quote Winston Churchill, “There’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.”

Bullies, for example, quickly discover the ramifications of their aggressive body language when trying to maneuver a twelve hundred pound animal through a maze. The energy this type of client brings to a session, sends a typically “bombproof” horse into flight mode. Not unlike what happens on a playground when they try to join a group.

Horses Find Out Who You Are For Others

A 45 minute EAP session takes clients out of their own narrative of WHO they are and into HOW they are for others. The patterns in the horse’s behavior are a mirror for the client; they can then piece together a series of recognizable reactions in their interactions with people.

Better Than A Person Telling You

It’s empowering since they discover for themselves what the impact of their behavior has been on others. Much more powerful than having someone else tell you, clients uncover what has been hidden from their view and can then take action steps in changing the behavior.

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One Day At A Time Joys: First Snow

The first snow is always the prettiest. Untouched across the fields, it looks like frosting smoothed with an expert’s hand. Naked trees jutting here and there across the surface, swaying in the breeze and providing direction to the flurries as they swirl like decorative writing on a cake.  An anniversary of sorts, since it comes every year, bringing friends to gather and partake in the festivities.

Birds flit from feeder to branch, dropping seed like confetti and adding to the decor of the satin finish. There are blue jays, nuthatches, a pair of doves and a single cardinal all sharing places at the feeder. It is the cardinal who hangs from the suet, lifting his head frequently to reveal a beak full of treat. The bright red of his feathers against the stark white of the snowy backdrop adds a splash of color that catches the eye.

Just then, the wind whips, sending the chimes into motion and contributing a layer of song to the party. A gentle reminder that sight is but one of the senses and sound can also add richness and flavor to the mix.

The dogs watch the day unfold, their noses pressed to the sliding glass doors of the deck. They are waiting and watching for the invitation to join. The scene from the field beckons them with the excitement and promise of a clear space to romp and play; dig their noses into the fluffy, white topping and add their pawprints to the icing of the landscape.

Recovery teaches us to live one day at a time. When we do this, we find the present in being present.

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Recipe For Homemade Sugar Scrub

“What do you want for Christmas?” It’s a common question this time of year, but I’ve noticed that looking at what I want leaves me feeling empty. On the contrary, looking at what I have leaves me feeling full. This year, I’m changing my focus on being thankful for what I have and giving homemade gifts like my sugar scrub to those I love.

What Does “I Want” Mean To Me?

I desire something I don’t have.
I am lacking something I need.
Needing this something may have put me in a state of destitution or poverty.
This one missing thing may be necessary for my completeness.

Grammatically, this verb is present tense, but it delivers a future sense of satisfaction. My happiness or even wholeness is dependent and waiting on this one elusive item. I want is restless and anxious.

What Does “I Have” Mean To Me?

I own something, tangible property or an asset.
I’m part of something – a family, a team, an organization. I am in a kindred or relative position.
I’ve experienced or endured emotions like joy or pain.
I’m responsible for or to something. I have a dog, or my cat has me.

Have is “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” (Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer)

What Do I Really Want?

Another bag of white chocolate peppermint candies.
The pretty rich dark chocolate hair I had in my twenties.
Fresh, radiant, and wrinkle-free skin.
My sister-in-law to still be alive.
My broken family to be put back together.
More money in my bank account.
A full night’s sleep.

Just reading that list makes me anxious. My sister has passed; my family is broken. Wanting that to be different is a fruitless and sleepless struggle. Being up at night leads to late night infomercial watching, which leads to more wants. Not only do I want fresh, radiant skin, but I want the same rare melon serum Cindy Crawford uses on her skin, so I can have her perfect complexion and her implied perfect life.

What Do I Really Have And What Can I Do With What I Have?

Laugh lines and sun spots from many happy days at the beach.
Silver gray hairs from loving a busy little boy.
Amazing friends who stick closer than family.
A big vat of coconut oil I bought at the health food store.
A wide selection of essential oils because I can’t say “No.”

It’s time to accept that God didn’t want me to be Cindy Crawford. My sister is gone, and most families are broken. My ruddy Native American/Irish skin will never be camera ready, and codependent Pam has already spent her lifetime’s allowance on late night impulse buys. I can, however, make my own affordable beauty treatment.

Recipe For Serenity Sugar Scrub

3 Tablespoons of Coconut Oil
3 Tablespoons of Sugar
10-15 Drops of essential oils (optional)

Pour ingredients into a small air-tight container. A bowl with a lid or a mason a jar works great. Mix until combined. I used a fork because anxious Pam needs simple steps and simple tools.

Since I bought the sampler kit of oils, I added a blend of Lemon, Lavender, Frankincense, and Lime. Lemon is known for its skin brightening properties, while Lavender is very calming. Frankincense shows great promise in cell renewal.

This sugar scrub may not be life changing like comparable products featured on late night infomercials, but taking the time to care for my skin and myself is far more restorative than anything else on the market.

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Overcoming Worries With A Mini Mind Break

Balancing life is tedious and adding holiday hustle to the mix makes this co-dependent cranky. And I’m not alone; 70% of adults say they experience anxiety daily. For 30%, the anxiety is constant. But what to do? I take a Mini Mind Break.

The holidays lend themselves to extra stress. In Christmases past, I built gingerbread houses, trimmed trees, and made hot cocoa mix for the neighbors. I single-handedly hosted a made-from-scratch cookie Christmas party for my husband’s basketball team. We did the church program, the school program, and we spent Christmas day traveling from my in-laws in Indiana to my parents house in Illinois. I spent the entire season be-rating myself for not enjoying this madness, and I was beyond tired.

Notice I didn’t mention the other stress I had from dealing with my family’s alcohol use disorder (AUD). Ignoring those problems took more work than all of the baking, shopping, and wrapping combined, and were the real reason behind my anxiety. Stressors from that dysfunction affected me all year long for many years.

Why Your Body Needs A Mini Mind Break

When our bodies process anxiety, it triggers the flight or fight response, releasing a surge of adrenaline. This worked well to protect our ancestors from dinosaur attacks and is still useful today in emergencies. All too often, our bodies are geared up to fight emergencies that never happen. In his book, Retraining the Brain, Dr. Frank Lawlis explains,

“Here’s what’s going on in the anxiety-filled brain: Fears and stress trigger an anxiety storm in your brain – which in turn creates chaos that your brain tries to resolve, but can’t. Instead, it just lingers there, endlessly spinning with surges of raw shocks. In psychological terms, that means you’re in a chronic (which means constant) state of anxiety.” 

When trouble hits, my adrenal glands leap into action, flooding my body with hormones. My heart beats faster and my breathing kicks into high gear. My muscles brace for the anticipated hit, and my pupils lock-in on the target. This is my body’s conditioned response to stress, but my body couldn’t keep up with my fears. I eventually lost an adrenal gland. Dr. Lawlis’s circle breathing offers a one-minute fix that turns my body around.

All too often the idea of pausing for a minute here and another minute there is lovely but impractical. To help you get through this holiday season, we’ve developed these simple Mini Mind Breaks. Each video lasts approximately one minute and is perfect for viewing on the go during holiday shopping or during a stressful day.

Please consider the one-minute beach vacay as my gift to you this holiday season. May every party, gathering, and celebration find you merry and bright. But if it doesn’t, may you find a minute to get away and get re-centered.

A Reach Out Recovery Exclusive By: Pam Carver

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How To Stop Stress Eating

When times are tough, it’s easy find comfort in a donut, a bag of chips, or even chocolate. Many have come to believe stress eating is a fact of life. Here’s some good news. Saying “I’m a stress eater” is a reaction to stress based on a belief.  You can change this by asking “How do I manage my weight when my stress level is a 10?” Considering that stress is the single biggest cause of all disease and lifestyle challenges, including chronic dieting, obesity, diabetes and cravings … it’s not surprising that there is a relationship between the ways we physically and mentally experience stress.  The question is easier to understand if we break it down into smaller chunks to examine.

What Is Stress

The dictionary defines stress as “A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.” This definition is interesting. It doesn’t say stress is either “good” or “bad.”  The body recognizes a demanding circumstance and reacts. For some folks, the stress causes weight loss. Others gain weight.  Regardless of the circumstances or the distinction, stress can be experienced:

Chemically, in the processes of the body
Emotionally, in our thoughts, feelings and beliefs
Spiritually, in our sense of connection
Structurally, in our bones and muscles

The Stress Reaction

From a physiological standpoint, stress causes an increase in cortisol production. This is which is associated with:

Weight gain
An inability to lose weight
Premature aging
Increases in LDL levels of blood cholesterol, salt retention, insulin resistance, and general inflammation

In fact, the moment stress is activated, the digestive system shuts down. Blood is rerouted to the extremities, and the body prepares for fight or flight.

When stress is ON; digestion is OFF.

Being A Stress Eater Is A Belief?!?

This is an interesting point. The brain cannot differentiate between real and imagined stress. Therefore, eating as a go-to response to stress, produces the same physiological reaction by the body as being chased by a bear. As long as we are experiencing stress, or believe that we are, digestion is turned OFF. If we couple this with the habit of telling ourselves that the necessary response to stress is to eat (“stress eater”), then weight gain is an inevitable result.

Coping With Stress Needs Habit Change

Instead, if we consider that reducing and coping with stress requires a habit change, we can create another possibility. This is great news! Habits are merely rituals or thoughts that have been repeated over time where the thinker believes them to be true. Habits don’t require us to remember to do something. They are just a go-to response. Since habits are at the mercy of our thoughts, changing a habit requires re-wiring the brain. First, we must learn to think a different thought and not rely on the old response.

New Way To Think

Instead of this response: “I’m a stress eater. My stress level is a 10. I must eat.” We can try: “I’m feeling stressed. I must go for a walk. Walking helps reduce my stress.” Or jogging, or calling a friend, or meditating, or any number of other activities that might resonate with you.

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Do You Need Help With A Bully

When you need help with a bully, don’t keep silent. From bulldozer bosses to pushy family members to spouses, friends and love relationships, bullying continues long beyond the playground. How it works to make you feel helpless and what to do.

8 Signs You Have A Bully In Your Life

Bullies create diversion to drinking, drugging, or not doing doing well in many areas. They go on the offensive by accusing, and provoking others. Here are some ways that bullies can beat you down and create misery in your life.

1. Repeatedly gives undeserved criticism

2. Uses verbal or physical abuse

3. Has excessive or unrealistic expectations of you

4. Abuses your rights and dignity

5. Doesn’t listen to anything you say

6. Is always opinionated and judgmental

7. Manipulates situations to his/her advantage

8. Never takes responsibility for his/her actions

15 Ways Bullies Destroy You

Bullies will keep you angry and anxious, so you start wondering what is wrong with you and not them.

1. You feel intimidated or humiliated almost every day

2. You feel like hiding from the world because your bully has created havoc in your life

3. You’re not sure what’s going on or what’s the truth

4. You find yourself questioning your own sanity

5. You feel anxious

6. You experience depression

7. You lose your self-confidence and self esteem

8. You’re fearful

9. You feel lonely and alienated

10. You have abandonment issues

11. You’re afraid of rejection

12. You can’t sleep

13. You have suicidal thoughts

14. You miss work

15. You have other symptoms, too many to mention

What Not To Do

In the playground and at school, children are often afraid to tell.

Ignoring a bully will only give him (or her) the power to continue in their destructive behavior.

Find Your Voice

Learn how to express yourself without the fear of breaking down, always talk about how accusations and criticism made you feel. Bad.

Learn how to express your feelings in a calm and collected way. Don’t back down when someone says you’re making it up, or lying. Find others who can back you up.

Collect Your Allies

Friends, co-workers and family members can be your cheerleaders and validate your feelings, as in: “No you are not crazy, this really happened to you”

Learn To Communicate With One Idea At A Time

Bullies are impatient and short, so tackle one subject at a time. Once you touched one subject don’t add, “And what about your aunt’s visit?”

Take Care Of You

Become your own friend, be gentle with yourself and your self-care.

Begin to trust your own feelings.

You deserve to be happy again, whether at your workplace, with your family unit and with your friends.

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What Is Serenity

What is serenity anyway? People talk about it, and those in recovery swear by the serenity prayer. Some people even recite this prayer in 12-step meetings. Some say it to quietly to themselves all day long. Serenity is associated with addiction recovery, but it is a state to which everyone should aspire. Here’s why.

What Is Serenity

Serenity is the state of being calm and tranquil no matter what goes down in your life. It’s the very opposite of fear, dread, anguish, anxiety. People dealing with addiction (either their own, or someone else’s) often feel the stress is killing them. There are many situations and illnesses that bring on the same kinds of helpless feelings. Serenity can be a direct path to happiness.

The Serenity Prayer

 God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 Here’s How The Serenity Prayer Inspires Change
1.Acceptance

Accepting the reality and not your magic thinking that everything is all right is the first step to healing. Once you understand the reality that you are not in control (of other people and what they think, or illness or job security or whatever worries you) you have left denial behind. Now you can take care of yourself.

2. Courage

It takes real courage to turn away from thinking and behaviors that aren’t working to make things better. It is especially hard to try a new approach to your life if loved ones are involved and don’t want things to change. Bravery isn’t a given, it has to be developed. Courage to change is often the next step after acceptance.

3. Wisdom

It’s virtually impossible to make wise choices when you are in a state of fear and crisis. Imagine the struggle of an animal caught in a trap. When you stop struggling, you can begin to think about solutions. Wisdom comes from calm reflection.

4. Positive Thinking

Positive thinking when you’re in denial is not part of serenity. It just pushes the truth under the rug. Positive thinking that revolves around what is good in your life and where you want your life to be going helps make that a reality.

5 Empowerment

When you no longer feel that you are responsible for someone else’s outcome, you are empowered to act independently and be yourself. Serenity is the tool to help you grow into the best self you can be.

 6. Faith

Some people worry that the God mentioned in the serenity prayer means religion is involved, and even that one religion may try to take the place of your own beliefs. Whose god is the one in the prayer anyway? People who don’t believe in God worry about the word itself. The faith generated by a state of serenity can be thought of more like the confidence, trust, reliance, conviction you need to get through your tough times. Faith is your internal angel that cheers you on.

 7. Letting Go

Letting go means so many things. You can let go of the need to control, the responsibility to fix, the pressure always to be helping out. Letting go can also mean backing off of unhealthy relationships and releasing feelings of fear and anxiety and dread. When you have let go of whatever holds you back, you are in a place of serenity. That is something you can hold onto for a truly happy life.

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When someone complains but doesn’t fix the problem

Do you know somebody who complains day in and day out?  Is he or she talking about their problem to everybody they know?  All the time?  But yet, they do not do much about what bothers him? Are they celebrating their misery? What is it?  What is it with pain and talking about it so much but not doing much to solve the problem? It’s so difficult for people around them. They want to help, but can’t help.

You wonder: if someone complains about her pain all the time, if she mentions it so many times, does she think there some magic in repetition that will make it will go away?

My friend Angela used to come to work every day and tell me about how she could not take the abuse from her husband anymore.  Every day for six years I had to hear it.  In the beginning I used to be very upset and worried about her.  I looked for solutions for her, and even went out my way to look for therapists for her.  One day I even called the non-emergency police line.  I asked them if they had any ideas what my friend Angela could do about the situation.

She wouldn’t call a hotline, or a therapist. Then I realized she talked about her husband and his abusive behavior with everybody at work.

My coworkers used to tell me: “Yes.  Angela complains to me too about her abusive husband.  That’s the only thing she talks about.”

My Eyes Were Opened

One day Angela invited me to a birthday party for her young son.  I was very happy to go there and finally meet her family.  However, I also had some worry about meeting her husband.   I didn’t really want to be exposed to abusive behavior.  I went anyway.  It was a nice wintry day. Angela lived in an upscale neighborhood where you could see that most of the houses and the front yards were manicured.  The party was fun and there were a few other kids, friends and neighbors.

She kept on saying: “I hope Andrew is not coming.  He will spoil the party.” She was very nervous.  Finally when Angela brought the birthday cake, her husband barged in the house like a storm and started yelling.

“Angela, again you are not including me in our family party.  Well thank you Angela!  This is the wife that I have and this is the family that I am working so many hours for so they can have all that.”

Did Angela Set Herself Up For Disaster

Angela did leave her husband out of their son’s party.  When he showed up and went ballistic, she went after him like a little puppy and begged his forgiveness.  She told him that she called him many times and left him messages; and that she also texted him.  I could hear Andrew yelling at her.  She was crying, and he was still yelling. It was terrible, but I wondered if she telling was telling him the truth? Was he hurt and rightfully so? How can you tell about family situations like this? It was ugly, but it takes two to tango.

What About The Innocent Bystanders

Where did I stand in all this? I could continue to be her friend. Did I  have to continue listening to her complaints every day. I decided to be there for her.  And that was a lot.  It was not nothing.  It was something.  Angela made her choice to live with this abusive man.  She was not cuffed with iron shackles.  If she wanted she could ask her husband to go to any kind of therapy.  She could leave him.  She could file for a divorce.  There were many options for her to choose from and at that time she continued to live with him and be in the glorious pain.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively).

Angela may break through her habit of complains a lot, and do something about her painful situation one day.  It is in her hands.  If she needs help, I will be there for her.

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