Leslie Glass's Blog, page 285

Softening Shame And Unlocking Emotional Paralysis

From Erin Leonard Ph.D. @ Psychology Today: “But I was never locked in a closet or beaten with a coat hanger.” I have heard this statement from multiple clients who deny the relevance of emotional abuse. They feel shame for feeling bad and believe they are inherently flawed.

The trauma incurred as a result of emotional abuse is significant, and it is tricky because emotional abusers convince the other person that they are the problem.

If a person feels gut wrenching shame about who they are, and feels “less than,” he or she may have had a parent who was emotionally abusive.

Shamed Child

A parent who is only able to consider his or her own perspective/feelings and rejects the child’s feelings if they differ, is operating from an egocentric position. The parent expects the child to automatically fall in line with their thinking. If the child dares to feel a different way, they are immediately rebuffed and put down. Moreover, if the child is occasionally brave enough to offer up a feeling that is incongruent with the parent’s, it is often rejected, and the parent takes the opportunity to shame the child regarding how they feel.

Because the child feels worse when they open up to the parent, the child guards and hides his or her internal world. Swallowing their feelings becomes routine because experience has taught them to doubt and distrust how they feel. History has proven to the child that the only feelings that matter in the parent/child relationship are those of the parent. Instead of developing a sense-of-self the child strives to fulfill the parents’ wishes. As an adult the feelings of inadequacy continue.

Adding insult to injury, often an emotionally abusive parent treats the child like it is his or her responsibility to make the parent look good. If the child fails to gratify the parent’s ego, they are frequently scolded and treated with disdain. The child experiences fear regarding losing the parent’s approval, which translates into anxiety in adulthood.

In addition, the child is often made to feel indebted to the parent for resources that the parent provided the child. The child feels a sense of obligation to the parent, which is rooted in guilt. Sacrificing opportunities they wish to pursue, the child’s purpose, instead, is appeasing the parent in order to “repay” them and gain love and acceptance. Yet, true love and acceptance is rarely achieved because the parent values their position of power. Relinquishing control causes the parent to feel vulnerable, so they continue to manipulate the child. Inflicting guilt to maintain emotional control of the child, the parent feels more secure as the child progresses into adulthood.

Rebuffing the parent’s values routinely causes the child conflict and shame. Although the child may have a strong desire to follow their own heart, they are often wrought with intense anxiety about it. Deeply confused regarding how they feel versus what they are told to feel, the child becomes an adult who often experiences self-doubt and has difficulty making decisions.

The emotionally abusive parent introduces an additional dynamic when he or she fluctuates from shame to sympathy. The parent relishes the role as powerful saver and rescuer, so when the opportunity arises, they seize it. This is the type of parent who calls coaches, teachers, and other parents to “persuade” them into excusing, favoring, or rewarding their child, despite objective evidence that it is inappropriate. Of course, many teachers, coaches, and authority figures comply with the parent because they are aware of the hit their reputation may suffer if they do not appease the parent.

Saved Child

The parent’s tendency to save the child instead of empathize and empower cripples the child’s faith in themselves. The child rarely hears empathic statements which honor feeling states. Sentiments such as,

“You are disappointed. I get it. I would be too but stick with it honey. You’ll get it.”

“You are mad. You probably have a good reason, but you can’t yell at your sister. Please go apologize.”

“You are overwhelmed. It’s a lot. I’d be frustrated too. Take it one step at a time. I’ll sit with you while to start the first assignment.”

“You are sad. I get it. You miss your friend. What would help you feel better?”

In contrast to these examples, an emotionally abusive parent often fails to recognize the child’s feeling state, or worse, shames the child for how they feel. As an adult, the child may continue to experience moments of searing shame because the current situation resembles an experience from their past in an emotional way.

The individual may lack an awareness about why they are stuck because they haven’t connected the present situation to a past experience, but the repetition of the negative emotional experience paralyzes them.

A person who feels emotionally paralyzed, but doesn’t understand why, may have experienced emotional abuse as a child.

A present circumstance may reawaken old feelings of shame and insecurity which the person does not remember. If this feels familiar, seek out an experienced psychotherapist who can help heal old wounds and extinguish deep shame. Reassembling a dismantled sense-of-self is possible and it is well worth the effort.

The post Softening Shame And Unlocking Emotional Paralysis appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

5 Myths About Grief

From Melinda Smith, M.A., et al @ Help Guide: Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Myths And Facts About Grief
1. The Pain Goes Away Faster If You Ignore It

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

2. It’s Important To “Be Strong” In The Face Of Loss

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

3. If You Don’t Cry, It means You Aren’t Sorry About The Loss

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

4. Grieving Should Last About A Year

Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

5. Moving On With Your Life Means Forgetting About Your Loss

Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

“Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.”

Hospice Foundation of America

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Sobriety Changed Bradley Cooper’s Life & Made ‘A Star Is Born’ Possible

From Leah Groth @ Livestrong: In the critically acclaimed movie “A Star Is Born,” Bradley Cooper stars alongside Lady Gaga, playing tragic, alcoholic and drug addicted rock star Jackson Maine. Cooper gives a tour de force performance, depicting the aging legend’s mental health and substance abuse struggles so flawlessly, he earned himself a Best Actor nomination at the 91st Academy Awards. However, Cooper didn’t have to rely on method acting to get into character — he drew on his own life experiences.

“The stories that exist in this story, it comes from a very deep personal place and that’s the only way that I know how to communicate with many people,” the 44-year-old recently confessed to The New York Times during an interview about the film, which he also directed.

Over the years Cooper has been very candid about his experiences with addiction, detailing what his life as an addict was like, what inspired him to get help and how his life transformed as a result of putting down the bottle for good — helping so many others struggling with similar addiction issues in the process.

Cooper first revealed that he was sober during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter in 2012, confessing that he quit doing drugs and drinking alcohol at the age of 29 — five years before starring in “The Hangover.” “I don’t drink or do drugs at all anymore,” he admitted. “Being sober helps a great deal.”

In addition to negatively impacting his work, he explained that his addiction problems landed him in the hospital. “I was at a party and deliberately bashed my head on the concrete floor — like, ‘Hey, look how tough I am!’ And I came up, and blood dripped down. And then I did it again. I spent the night at St. Vincent’s Hospital with a sock of ice, waiting for them to stitch me up.”

Cooper explained to the publication that his drinking may have been a result of his insecurities, which started in his youth and continued into the early stages of his career. “I was so concerned what you thought of me, how I was coming across, how I would survive the day,” he said. “I always felt like an outsider. I just lived in my head. I realized I wasn’t going to live up to my potential, and that scared the hell out of me. I thought, ‘Wow, I’m actually gonna ruin my life; I’m really gonna ruin it.'”

Friends warned that his drinking was going to ruin his life, but he refused to listen for a long time. “Part of me believed it, and part of me didn’t,” he continued. “But the proof was in the pudding: I’d always gotten up at the crack of dawn, and that was out the window. I remember looking at my life, my apartment, my dogs, and I thought, ‘What’s happening?'”

In 2013 he got into more specifics about his addiction, telling GQ that during a career slump, occurring in 2001 while he starred alongside Jennifer Garner on “Alias,” that he was seriously struggling with his mental health — and even thought about suicide. As his screen time on the show starting declining, so did his mental state. “I was like, ‘I want to f—ing kill myself,'” he confessed.

Shortly after getting written off the show, he tore his Achilles playing basketball, and started taken Vicodin regularly. He spent the next few years seriously addicted to drugs and alcohol, which he believes could have been life-threatening. “If I continued it, I was really going to sabotage my whole life,” he said.

He explained that once he gave up his bad habits, his mental health started to improve — and his career even took off.

“I was doing these movies, and I got to meet Sandra Bullock and meet these people and work with them,” he says. “And I’m sober, and I’m like, ‘Oh, I’m actually myself. And I don’t have to put on this air to be somebody else, and this person still wants to work with me? Oh, what the f— is that about?’ I was rediscovering myself in this workplace, and it was wonderful.”

In fact, in 2015, he revealed to Barbara Walters that he was 11 years sober from drugs and alcohol, owing his entire life, career and all the good things that came along with it, to sobriety.

“I would never be sitting here with you, no way, no chance [if I hadn’t gotten sober,]” he said. “I wouldn’t have been able to have access to myself or other people, or even been able to take in other people, if I hadn’t changed my life. I never would have been able to have the relationships that I do. I never would have been able to take care of my father the way I did when he was sick. So many things.”

But Cooper has no regrets about his past, instead using them as inspiration for his acting and directing — specifically with his Academy Award nominated role as Jackson Maine. ”

Anytime you’re trying to tell the truth you need to go to places and use things that have happened to you, or you’ve read about or experienced,” Cooper recently told Variety. “And that’s all part of the beauty of turning whatever things you’ve gone through into a story. I find that to be very cathartic. I remember learning that in grad school, our teacher said all the insecurities, all the dark stuff you get to use that and that’s really the truth.”

Whether Bradley Cooper goes home with a Best Actor Oscar will be decided by the Academy, but the star’s honesty and transparency about his addiction and mental health struggles is award-worthy in and of itself!

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The Difference Between Guilt And Shame

What’s the difference between guilt and shame? Shame lies. Basically, guilt is a healthy feeling and shame is an unhealthy feeling. Let’s take a closer look.

What Is Guilt?

When we’ve done something wrong, we feel guilty. Maybe we had unhealthy thoughts that led to unhealthy behaviors. Perhaps we  hurt a friend or did something we shouldn’t like cheating or stealing. Guilt brings remorse and regret. Guilt tells us we violated our own morals, our own consciousness.

We learn guilt early in our childhood; it’s part of our healthy developmental process. Guilt drives us to admit our errors and mistakes to ourselves and others. Guilt says “I did a stupid thing, but I am not stupid.” It causes temporary pain but ends in healing.  The 12-step-programs focus on guilt. We learn to take responsibility for our behaviors and then make amends as needed.

For example, Liddy is very angry at her 3-year-old son, Ben, for breaking a family keepsake. Her anger may be normal, but when Liddy starts screaming at Ben, her behavior has become inappropriate. When Ben starts sobbing and wets his pants, Liddy realizes she was too harsh, and she feels guilty for losing control.

Because guilt is focused on taking responsibility and making apologies, Liddy is able to tell Ben she was wrong to yell at him and make amends by cuddling with him. She apologizes for her behavior and tells herself that she cannot do this again. She also tells Ben’s father about the incident to accept responsibility and ask for help. Her openness prevents secret keeping and helps her to understand that hurting a toddler is wrong. She may have regrets about yelling, but understands that everyone makes mistakes and vows to do better.

What Is Shame

Shame is a different story. Shame is the only feeling that lies to us. It’s not about doing a bad thing; shame is about feeling bad to our core.  In our shame, we think we are terrible, horrible, sick, bad, and worthless. We feel unworthy, and believe the mistakes cannot be healed. In the book Facing Shame: Families in Recovery, Fossum and Mason state:

“Shame is an inner sense of being completely diminished or insufficient as a person. It is the self judging the self. A moment of shame may be humiliation so painful or an indignity so profound that one feels one has been robbed of her or his dignity or exposed as basically inadequate, bad, or worthy of rejection. A pervasive sense of shame is the ongoing premise that one is fundamentally bad, inadequate, defective, unworthy, or not fully valid as a human being.”

Let’s revisit the incident between Liddy and and her young son Ben. This time, instead of feeling guilt, Liddy spirals into shame. After she screams at him, she feels so horrible that she internalizes shame. She tells herself she’s a horrible person, unworthy of having children. Drowning in her own pain, Liddy isn’t able to take care of her son when he needs her. Instead, they both end up sobbing.

The next time Ben is naughty, Liddy cannot bring herself to correct him. Because the focus is solely on her, she loses all capacity to cope with him. Liddy further blames herself for Ben’s bad behavior because shame has lied to her. Shame told her she was a bad parent. This creates a shame spiral where Liddy now becomes inept in her parenting capacity.

Shame is too often felt in dysfunctional families. Remember, shame lies, and it’s often a sign of emotional abuse.

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Parenting Teens: How Much To Control?

From Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D. @ Psychology Today: It is a core conflict of parenting adolescents: whether to hold on or to let go?

As the coming of age journey now begins, the young person is seriously pushing for increased freedom to grow up – detaching for more independence and differentiating for more individuality. In response, parents are constantly weighing whether to hold on to how things are or to let go for things to change.

This recurring conflict takes many forms. For example, wonders the parent: “Should I forbid or allow?” “Should I encounter or ignore?” “Should I speak up or shut up?” “Should I protect or permit?” “Should I question or trust?” “Should I insist or relent?”

What degree of controlling, influence does a parent want to have? To exercise too little can be neglectful, to exercise too much can be oppressive.

What the adolescent needs from parents is a changing mix of both holding on and letting go, and no parent gets all these calls “right” all the time. “If only I’d let her try!” “I should have stuck with saying no!””

So the teenager grows up partly in spite of and partly because of whatever parents decided to control and not to control, and that mix is usually good enough for the young person to graduate their care as a more functionally independent and fully individual young adult.

And of course, the parent can be criticized by their teenager for erring in each direction. Accusing the parent of holding on too much, the young person may complain: “You’re over-protective!” Accusing the parent of letting go too much, the young person may complain: “You never help me!”

Blessed be the parent because they can be blamed on both counts.

The Importance Of Holding On

Responsible parents hold on by maintaining a family structure of healthy rules and expectations to live within, to safely rattle around in, against which the teenager will sometimes push to grow. They must provide constant guidance, structure, and supervision.

And now more there is more tension to contend with, occasions when parents need to say and mean: “Parenting is not a popularity contest because sometimes when we take a stand for your best interests against what you want, you will not like us for our decision. However, we promise to be firm where we have to be, to be flexible where we can, and to always give a full hearing to whatever you have to say. This last is important, because our job is to help us stay communicatively and caringly connected to you as adolescence grows us gradually apart, as it is meant to do.”

The Importance Of Letting Go

Parents let go by giving more independent decision-making responsibility. They do mindfully by specifying what they first need from the teenager before being willing to put that eager young person at risk of more personal freedom. Years ago I suggested a “freedom contract” parents might want to specify. The seven articles of the contract read like this:

BELIEVABILITY – giving adequate and accurate information to parents;
PREDICTABILITY – keeping promises and agreements with parents;
ACCOUNTABILITY – owning the consequences of choices to parents;
RESPONSIBILITY – taking care of business at home, at school, and out in the world;
MUTUALITY – living in two-way terms, giving and receiving with parents;
AVAILABILITY – being willing to discuss parental concerns when they arise;
CIVILITY – communicating to parents with courteous and respectful words.

The more the young person holds on to the terms of this contract, the more inclined to let go and grant more freedom parents are likely to be. At the other extreme, if the teenager lies, breaks commitments, blames others, acts non-responsibly, is unavailable to talk, and uses hurtful language, the more holding on (and holding back) parents are likely to do.

Lest one believe that the holding on/letting go conflicts only reside in parents, consider the early adolescent (9-13.) No longer content to be defined as a little child anymore and wanting to let go that old definition, the young person can at the same time feel truly torn and ambivalent. She or he wants to stop acting as a child but still wanting to hold on to beloved childhood activities, interests, and things which are sad to give up. Or empathize with the last stage adolescent (18-23) who wants to let go of family restraints and operate independently. However, she or he is also torn and ambivalent, still wants to hold on to parental support and still misses some comfortable conveniences that came with living at home.

Of course, it’s well to remember that becoming preoccupied with whether to hold on or let go of adolescent choices can cause parents to ignore a more important influential question, which is this. How can they, in the interests of promoting growing self-management capacity in their teenager, continually inform adolescent choices with their best understanding and advice? While parental control certainly matters; parental communication matters more.

Finally, it is well for parents to beware asserting control at all costs because the effort may not be worth the expense on several counts.

By insisting on absolute control, parents can foster an unhealthy dependency in the growing teenager: “I learned to do whatever I am forcibly told.”
By parents losing emotional control to get control, the adolescent can end up in control: “I know how to use resistance to get my parents really upset.”
By pitting their will against the teenager’s will and winning a power struggle, they may create an isometric encounter: “I may have lost this time; but from pushing back so hard against them I’ll be stronger next time out!”

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What Happens To Your Body When You Binge Drink

From Healthline: After a night of chasing beers with tequila shots, the next morning’s hangover might actually be the least of your worries.

More research shows that even a single episode of binge drinking can have serious effects on all parts of your body, not just your brain.

Long-term damage from heavy alcohol use isn’t limited to people with alcohol use disorder. Frequent binge drinkers can also develop health problems.

Binge drinking is defined as men consuming five or more drinks within about two hours. For women, it’s defined as consuming four or more drinks within about two hours.

A new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that 1 in 6 U.S. adults reported binge drinking in 2015.

The 37 million binge drinkers had about one binge per week and consumed an average of seven drinks per episode.

That comes out to about 17 billion total binge drinks for the year.

Here’s a look at how all that alcohol is impacting the health of Americans over both the short and long term.

Short-term effects

You’ll start to feel the effects of alcohol within 5 to 10 minutes of having a drink.

About 90 percent of the alcohol in your blood is broken down by the liver. The rest is excreted through the lungs, kidneys, or in sweat.

For an average-sized person, the liver can only break down about one standard drink per hour. If you drink more alcohol than what your liver can process, your blood alcohol content (BAC) will increase. So will the effects on your body.

Other factors also affect your BAC, such as how quickly you drink, whether you’ve eaten recently, and your body type. Even your age, sex, and ethnicity play a part.

Binge drinking has many effects on the body. But what’s often overlooked is that it can be a risky activity.

“It’s estimated that about half of all alcohol-related deaths in the United States are related to acute intoxication, and most of the economic costs are also related to binge drinking,” said Dr. Timothy Naimi, professor of medicine at Boston University School of Medicine and co-author of the CDC study.

Binge drinking can lead to death from alcohol poisoning. Or by depressing the gag reflex, which puts a person who has passed out at risk of choking on their own vomit.

Excessive alcohol also affects your actions, which can increase your risk of injuries and death from motor vehicle accidents, drowning, suffocation, and other accidents.

“Acutely, when you’re impaired by alcohol, you not only have poor coordination, but you also have very poor judgment and very poor executive functioning,” Naimi told Healthline.

Alcohol is also often found in the blood of people who harm themselves or attempt suicide.

A single night of binge drinking has a number of other effects, especially at higher amounts.

“When it comes to inflammation of the pancreas, stomach, or liver, those effects can be acute,” said Naimi. “A very heavy single drinking episode, or several of those in a short space of time, can cause acute inflammation and irritation of those organs.”

In addition to increasing the risk of injury, binge drinking impairs the body’s ability to heal from those injuries.

“If a person is drunk and gets injured, the person will have more complications when alcohol is present in the body, as opposed to a person who may not have been exposed to alcohol,” said Mashkoor Choudhry, PhD, director of the Alcohol Research Program at Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine.

Binge drinking can also affect your:

Heart. Heavy drinking can cause high blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, or sudden death from heart failure.
Kidneys. Alcohol is a diuretic, which causes the kidneys to produce more urine. This, alone or with vomiting, can lead to dehydration and dangerously low levels of sodium, potassium, and other minerals and salts.
Lungs. Alcohol inhibits the gag reflex, which can lead to vomit, saliva, or other substances entering the lungs. This can cause inflammation or infection in the lungs.
Pancreas. A single session of heavy alcohol use can lead to dangerously low blood sugar (hypoglycemia).
Sexual health. Being drunk increases the chance of having unsafe sex — which can lead to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or unplanned pregnancy.

Long-term Effects

After a single night of binge drinking, some of the short-term effects will go away. Many, like injuries or STIs, can stay with you for years.

There’s not a lot of research on how long the physical effects of binge drinking last, or whether your body can recover completely.

More frequent binge drinking, though, is more likely to lead to long-term damage.

One recent study by researchers at the University of California at San Francisco found that 21 binge drinking sessions over seven weeks was enough to cause symptoms of early stage liver disease in mice.

More research needs to be done on people, but the effects of long-term heavy alcohol use are already well-known.

Over the long run, alcohol increases the risk of several cancers, including cancer of the liver, mouth, throat, voice box, esophagus, colon, and rectum. Even a few drinks a week is linked with an increased risk of breast cancer in women.

Heavy, long-term alcohol use can lead to alcoholic liver disease, which includes inflammation of the liver and cirrhosis.

Excessive drinking is also bad for the cardiovascular system, leading to increased risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, and irregular heartbeat.

More researchers are looking at the effects of alcohol on the intestinal microbiome — the bacteria and other organisms that live inside us.

“A single alcohol drink may not have that much of an impact [on the microbiome], but bingeing or chronic alcohol drinking certainly will change the microbiome in the gastrointestinal tract,” said Choudhry. “And this microbiome has many long-term effects on different parts of the body.”

The microbiome has been implicated in medical conditions ranging from irritable bowel syndrome to obesity.

Long-term heavy alcohol use can also affect your:

Blood and immune system. Chronic alcohol use can lead to anemia, low platelets, and a suppressed immune system.
Bones and muscles. Heavy long-term use of alcohol can interfere with absorption of calcium and bone formation. This can lead to osteoporosis.
Brain and nervous system. Heavy alcohol use increases the risk of stroke and can lead to dementia or impaired balance and coordination.
Mental health. In addition to alcohol dependency and addiction, heavy drinkers are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, and psychosis.
Sexual health. Chronic heavy use of alcohol can reduce fertility in men and women and decrease a man’s sex drive. Drinking while pregnant can also affect the health of the fetus.
Intestines. Heavy alcohol intake can interfere with the absorption of vitamins and other nutrients in the gut. This can lead to malnutrition.

Cutting back on the amount or frequency of drinking can reduce these risks. But even low-risk alcohol use doesn’t mean no risk.

The U.S. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends that men consume no more than four drinks on any day and no more than 14 drinks per week. Women should drink no more than three drinks a day and no more than seven per week.

Reducing the impact of binge drinking on society, though, will need recognizing the scope of the problem and addressing it with alcohol taxes, alcohol advertising guidelines, and reasonable restrictions on availability of alcohol.

“Binge drinking is a very common behavior. It’s not a behavior that’s limited, by any means, to alcoholics,” said Naimi. “And it’s a behavior that can be readily reduced by strong public health interventions.”

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What Really Causes Sam Smith’s Oppressive Sadness

From Helen Murphy @ People: Sam Smith opened up about his struggles with body image in a new interview with Jameela Jamil, the founder of the “I Weigh” movement.

Smith, 26, revealed to Jamil, 33, that he had liposuction when he was 12 years old and that he’s struggled with his body image “from since I can remember.” The interview was part of the first episode of Jamil’s new Instagram TV show I Weigh Interviews.

The singer (who has previously opened up about his struggles with body image) said that he wanted to do the interview to bring attention to body image issues in men.

“I haven’t really found many men talking about this,” Smith said. “Especially well-known men… Even doing this chat feels kind of weird, because guys don’t speak about this that much on a big scale.”

Smith began by talking about how his struggle with body image began “from since I can remember, like since I was a baby.”

As a child, Smith revealed that he was “chubby” and “carried extra estrogen” in his chest, making him self-conscious to wear a bathing suit and opening him up to bullying, including when a classmate grabbed his chest “on the playground in front of all of his friends.”

“I had breasts,” Smith said.

“I used to get my mom to write a note to the school when I was like 8 so I wouldn’t have to go to swimming lessons. So it’s something that’s been in me forever,” the singer added.

Smith also revealed that he had liposuction at the age of 12.

“When I was a kid, I was chubby … and then it would get worse and worse and worse and I was holding a lot of weight in my chest. When I hit 11 years old, I went to the doctor’s,” he said. “I was so self-conscious that it was affecting my mood every day.”

“I had liposuction, I was 12 years old,” Smith continued. “At the time I think I was very happy about it. It didn’t really change anything. I think I put the weight back on in two weeks because I hadn’t figured out my relationship with food, so it didn’t really change anything. But being 12 years old and having liposuction on your chest is quite a big deal.”

Smith added that the body image issues persisted beyond his childhood.

“It’s the basis of all my sadness,” he said. “Literally everything I’ve ever been sad about is my weight. I struggle with it every day.”

“I get very, very dark and very sad,” Smith continued.

On Friday, Smith tweeted that doing the interview with Jamil “completely changed” his life.

“In the past if I have ever done a photoshoot with so much as a t-shirt on, I have starved myself for weeks in advance and then picked and prodded at every picture and then normally taken the picture down,” he wrote.

“Yesterday I decided to fight the f— back,” he continued. “Reclaim my body and stop trying to change this chest and these hips and these curves that my mum and dad made and love so unconditionally.”

He finished by saying: “I’ll always be at war with this bloody mirror but this shoot and this day was a step in the right f—ing direction.”

The post What Really Causes Sam Smith’s Oppressive Sadness appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Alcoholic Dad Raging Mom What Does That Make Me

Raised by a rageaholic mother, I was not only terrified of her; but I was even more afraid to parent like her. Trauma, alcohol, and anger ruined my childhood. I refuse to pass this on to the next generation.

Joni Edelman’s article, Ten Things To Know About Children of Alcoholics, explains:

“We are afraid to have children and when we do, we are afraid to wreck them, like we are wrecked. If we can acknowledge our own damage, we definitely don’t want to inflict it on anyone else. We don’t really know how to be a parent. It’s actually panic inducing. We will second-guess everything we do and may over-parent for fear of under-parenting.”

My Mom Was A Rageaholic

My mom’s anger was intense and unpredictable. One time I didn’t dry the spoons completely and they had spots. I had to re-wash all of the dishes while she screamed at me. One morning before school, I accused my brother of lying.  We sat in the drop-off lane at my high school while she screamed, I sobbed, and my friends stared in disbelief. After I was married, I took an old dresser she was throwing away. She showed up on my doorstep unannounced and accused me of stealing it from her. She ranted for 30 minutes in front of my neighbors. This all left me feeling alone, unwanted, and unlovable.

How I Coped As A Kid

When I was a kid, I spent hours in my room wishing I’d never been born. I tried to hold my breath, hoping to die. Other times, I put anything she gave me in the corner of my closet, determined to never use it. I wouldn’t wear the clothes she bought me. Most of all, I’d dream of running away and even left once. I promised myself when I was a mom, I would never yell at my kids.

My Life As A Mother

To right those wrongs, I promised myself I would never hurt my child the way I was hurt. If only it were that easy. My wishful  dreams of always speaking to my son with a kind tone were just that. When he dashed across a busy parking lot, my gentle tone was gone, and I yelled. I felt so badly about it I immediately recommitted to being super nice. The result was my rebellious child refused to pick up his toys, or get dressed, or do homework. By vowing to never hurt my child’s feelings, I’ve inadvertently raised a spoiled kid who thinks he can get away with anything at all.

I thought loving him and doing things for him was being a good parent, but I was really trying to re-parent myself. I need to care for my inner child. We all do.

Healing Comes With Understanding And Accepting

Through the help of counseling and recovery, I’ve learned four important truths:

My mom mistreated me but didn’t break my spirit or change my inner self.
My mom’s unloving nature didn’t make me unlovable. It reveals more about her character than mine.
My dad’s drinking made her life difficult, too. AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder, or alcoholism) is a family disease that damages everyone.
Children raised in unstable and hurtful environments can learn new ways of coping and become healthy

Instead of giving my son the mother I wanted, I can give him the parent he needs, and take care of myself at the same time.

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9 Tips For Family Addiction

Family addiction is complicated, and it isn’t isolated to one person who may be using. Addiction is passed on through generations and everybody is affected.  Intergenerational addiction studies examine how addictions are passed on through the generations from great grandparents to grandparents to parents to children. Numerous ongoing studies continue to show the propensity of substance use disorders (SUD) being a family disease, not only regarding how the illness affects all members of a family, but how each generation may have an impact of the course of the disease.

How Does One Become An Alcoholic/Addict?

Genetics/biological impact (most significant cause)
Environmental factors (such as living in high risk communities and/or home, poverty, poor health care)
Peer Pressure and/or being in a relationship with someone who uses (friends, older siblings, college parties, etc.)
Historical trauma (such as the Native American population)
Co‐occurring disorders (such as mental illness or history of personal trauma)
Modeling the behavior of parents, other adults, or friends (they use drugs/alcohol so it’s normal for you to use)
Early use of alcohol or drugs (childhood and teen use make one more susceptible to addiction)
Addictive potential of the chemical itself (for example, cocaine is a highly addictive substance)

Children And Teenagers: Does A Family History Of SUDs Affect You?

YES. Family members who are addicts may affect the family dynamic in unhealthy ways (poor boundaries such a child parenting the adult, abuse, neglect, poor living situations or poverty, etc.) Additionally, genetic history is a strong predictor of addictions in each subsequent generation.

But My Parents Don’t Use So I Shouldn’t Have a Problem

Yes and No. If there is a history of addictions with your biological family, you are still at risk. Genetics account for about 50‐60% for you having a higher risk of being addicted ‐ even if your parents aren’t addicted. So it is very possible if you use substances, you will have a problem. Likewise, a percentage of children won’t have an addiction and can be social users of various substances (social users do not have consequences related to their use such as drunk driving,

increased tolerance, losing a job, etc.) However, as noted above, you are also at risk due to other factors such as peer pressure, the addictiveness of the chemical, etc.)

But It Skipped A Generation

Genetics continue to influence you, even if your parents aren’t addicted. So it doesn’t really skip a generation although it may appear that way. Also, you may have other relatives such as aunts or uncles who are addicted.

Your parents may not use because they grew up in an addictive family and don’t use because they don’t want to create the same unhealthy family dynamics with you as they had growing up. In actuality, they may be prone to being addicted, but will never know because they don’t use. This is why it appears to skip a generation.

So What Should I Do?

 Since addictions thrive in secrecy, you need to talk, talk, and talk some more to trusted family members or other adults such as family friends, a teacher, counselor, or spiritual mentor. Do not allow the “elephant in the living room” syndrome to take over and pretend that nothing is wrong. Communication is a must. You need to understand your family history and how it may impact you.
 Secondly, become knowledgeable through your own learning. Read and educate yourself. This helps you to be in charge of your life. Do not allow an addiction to rule you; your life is yours to live and hopefully, to live in a healthy manner.
Set boundaries with others. Do not let peer pressure force you to use to be “popular.” Let others know that you’re at risk for addictions and that you choose not to use because of this.
Model your behavior on those who you admire, trust, and respect.
Socialize with others who want to live free of addiction; they really do exist.
 Attend 12‐step meetings such as Ala‐Teen or Al‐Anon and Nara‐Teen or Nar‐Anon which focus on issues that children/teens or adults of addicted parents/other family members may have, or ACA Teen or ACA (adult children of alcoholics – also called ACOA)  that explore the special issues and concerns about growing up in an addicted family system.
Be involved in healthy activities such as school groups, the arts, sports, clubs, hobbies, and school‐led support groups for children and teens of addicted families.
See a counselor who can help you deal with family issues, grieve, and learn healthy coping skills.
 And finally, know that you are not alone. There is a lot of help out there. Seek it out.

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The Secret Of Getting Into An Alcoholic’s Mind

First, What’s The Big Deal?

The Big Deal about alcohol is that it negatively affects about 8% of the adult population in the U.S. Over consumption is one of the leading causes of preventable death. And alcohol is associated with a growing list of really bad diseases of the body and mind.

So, how did your loved one become addicted to it in the first place?

It might be consoling to know that a certain population of people have and will always be prone to alcoholism. Alcohol has played a significant part in religious, cultural and social practices in many societies. As it became rapidly produced and distributed, alcohol became one of the widely spread and most available substances across the world. This mass production of alcohol lead people to start using it more frequently, leading them from casual users, to abusers, and eventually people dependent on its psychoactive effects.

About 17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence, which means that these individuals have lost control over their alcohol consumption.

And as we mentioned earlier, alcohol consumption impacts both the incidence and course of and the course of many health conditions. According to the World Health Organization, 5.9 percent of all global deaths in 2012 were caused by alcohol consumption. The Big Deal is that alcohol is legal…but it’s not going away. How can you help your loved one? What understanding do you need to have?

The Secret Of Getting Into An Alcoholic’s Mind

The secret of getting into an alcoholic’s mind is to understand how alcohol affects the brain. Both moderate and heavy drinking can lead to behaviors that would never occur in a sober state. Alcohol belongs in the category of drugs called depressants, which means that drinking alcohol results in depressing, or slowing down brain processes. As a result of this alteration, alcohol abusers can behave uncharacteristically and aggressively.

Still, not all alcoholics are alike. They experience different subsets of symptoms. We do know that heavy drinking may have extensive and far–reaching effects on the brain, ranging from simple “slips” in memory to permanent and debilitating conditions that require lifetime custodial care.

And while researchers have not yet found conclusive evidence that any one variable can consistently and completely account for the brain deficits, they do know that alcohol impairs the way the brain normally works. So, a person who drinks heavily over a long period of time may have brain deficits that persist well after he or she achieves sobriety. Exactly how alcohol affects the brain and the likelihood of reversing the impact of heavy drinking on the brain remain hot topics in alcohol research today.

Is Alcoholism Treatable?

Yes.

Those who have drinking problems can solve their addiction issues with the help of health care professionals such as addiction counselor. According to studies  on Alcohol Use Disorders, alcoholics requires medical help and treatment to address physical and mental aspects of the problem. Treatment helps recovering alcoholics reduce their drinking and report fewer alcohol-related problems.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to alcohol addiction problems. What might work someone, may not be a good fit for another person. This is why it is important to research all available options and chose what you think will work the best. There are various treatment options for alcohol abuse problems such as:

1. Behavioral Therapy: Lead by healthcare professionals, behavioral therapy techniques are focused on helping those addicted to alcohol in changing their behavior through counseling.

2. Medication Therapy: Three medications are currently approved in the United States to help people stop or reduce their drinking and prevent relapse:

DisulfiramNaltrexoneAcamprosate

These medications can be prescribed only by a primary care physician or a doctor and can be used alone or in combination with counseling.

3.Support Groups: Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs provide peer support for people quitting or cutting back on their drinking. Combined with treatment, mutual-support groups can be very beneficial for those who struggle with drinking issues.

So who can you see for help?

If you know someone who’s experiencing alcohol addiction issues, you can refer them to:

Alcohol CounselorLicensed Psychologist and/or PsychiatristMedical DoctorSocial Worker

Here are some online resources which can help you find professional help:

American Academy of Addiction Psychiatry (AAAP)American Psychological Association (APA)American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM)NAADAC Substance Abuse ProfessionalsNational Association of Social Workers

When in need of a treatment facility, use SAMHSA’s treatment service locator.

Obstacles to Treatment

The main thing which makes alcohol addiction so hard to address is the stigma attached to it. We think that drinking too much is a sign of weakness or a moral problem. Someone should just stop quitting if it’s hurting them, right? But a drinking problem is a medical problem.

People who are addicted to alcohol have gone through profound – and most reversible – brain changes. But you cannot underestimate how the brain changes its function when someone is drinking.

Additionally, there are huge obstacles to quitting the drinking cycle. They range from the cost of treatment to a person’s support network to the way that they feel about themselves. Here are some of the most common obstacles to successful alcohol addiction treatment:

1. Being In Denial

Denial is probably the greatest enemy to anyone’s recovery journey. False statements such as: “I can choose to stop whenever I want,” or “I can handle my drinking,” are the most commonly heard statements among alcoholics in denial. This is why a professional interventionist or addiction counselor might be the only way to break through to a loved one. Professionals are trained in messaging and planning for objection. Plus, they help pull you through during a tough time.

Accepting loss of control over alcohol consumption is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of consciousness. Help can only be given to those who ask for it. So, for the alcoholic mind, realizing that they have an alcohol problem is the first step on the way to change.

2. Lack Of Devotion And Commitment

In order to really “change”, the desire to be different needs to come from inside. You cannot wish someone to be different than they are; they must want to change. So, one of the other things that can get in the way of getting better is a person’s own mindset.

Indeed, psychologists and psychiatrists say that awareness of a problem does not always signify change. Commitment during treatment are vital to be able to get through withdrawal and maintain sobriety. Recovery does not work unless an alcoholic works it: for themselves, by themselves.

3. Lack Of Good Aftercare Plan

Alcohol recovery is an ongoing process. So, treatment does not end once a person leaves rehab. The real battle begins when s/he needs to make change last. so, the transition from rehab to home should be done only after a person is adequately prepared. Sometimes, this can be months or years later. You need to understand and accept this.

The main idea here is that an aftercare plan is needed if you want to see someone change for good. This plan outlines a strategy designed to help individuals deal with all the challenges that await them. So, when they leave rehab, they are ready to return home.

Top 5 Things To Avoid When Getting Into An Alcoholic’s Mind

1. Avoid self sacrifice. You can only help an alcoholic loved one as much as they let you.
2. Avoid giving criticism; it can only lead to conflict. Your alcoholic loved one needs to recognize the problem , perhaps with support from a profession.
3. Avoid enabling your loved one alcohol addiction. Enabling a loved one’s addiction can hurt you both.
4. Avoid discussing anything with your alcoholic loved one when s/he is under the influence; they can become violent.
5. Avoid any kind of negative talk. Instead, focus on looking for treatment alternatives for yourself and your loved one.

An Extra Tip To Getting Into An Alcoholic’s Mind

The last thing you need to keep in mind regarding your loved one’s alcohol addiction problem is this: understanding more about the alcoholic brain is not going to make him/her stop. But getting to the bottom of how alcohol influences on the brain might give you more acceptance of the situation that you are currently in. Always remember that in order for an alcoholic to recover, medical help and treatment are required. The only thing you can do is be a part of your loved one’s recovery journey and give them all the support they need along the way.

From Addiction Blog

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