Leslie Glass's Blog, page 264

How to Think Like a Narcissist and Why They Hurt People

From Psychology Today:

Understanding a narcissist’s mind shields and empowers you to react effectively

Narcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be baffling, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. That awareness protects you from their games, lies, and manipulation.

Narcissists have an impaired or undeveloped self. They think and function differently from other people. They behave as they do because of the way their brain is wired, whether due to nature or nurture. The severity of narcissism varies. Some people have more symptoms with greater intensity, while other narcissists have fewer, milder symptoms. The following discussion thus may not apply to all narcissists to the same degree.

Narcissistic Vulnerability

Despite having seemingly strong personalities, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them to be “fragile.” They suffer from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Due to their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and vigilantly must control their environment, people around them, and their feelings. Displays of vulnerable feelings, such as fear, shame, or sadness are intolerable signs of weakness both in themselves and others. Their defense system, discussed below, protects them, but hurts other people. When they feel most insecure, they’re more malicious and the impact of their actions is irrelevant.

Narcissistic Shame

Underneath their façade is toxic shame, which may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate―vulnerable feelings that they must deny to themselves and others. This is one reason that they can’t take criticism, responsibility, dissent, or negative feedback even when meant to be constructive. Instead, they demand unconditional, positive regard from others.

Arrogance

To compensate for feeling inferior, they maintain an attitude of superiority. They’re often arrogant, critical, and disdainful of other people, including entire groups they consider inferior, such as immigrants, a racial minority, a lower economic class, or people of less education. Like bullies, they put down others to raise themselves up.

Grandiosity

Their hidden shame accounts for their braggadocio and self-aggrandizement. They’re trying to convince themselves and others that they excel, that they’re uniquely special and the best, smartest, richest, most attractive, and most talented. This is also why narcissists gravitate toward celebrities and high-status people, schools, organizations, and other institutions. Being with the best convinces them they’re better than others, while internally, they’re not so sure.

Entitlement

Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others regardless of their behavior. Their sense of entitlement masks their inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they’re superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment. For example, their time is more valuable than others, and they shouldn’t have to wait in line like the masses. There is no limit on what they might expect from others. Interpersonal relationships are a one-way street, because other people are considered inferior and not separate from them (see below). They don’t recognize their behavior as hypocritical, because they feel superior and special. Rules for other people don’t apply to them.

Lack of Empathy

Narcissists’ ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate care and concern is significantly impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They’re “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy. (See “How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You.”)

They may claim they love you, but you must determine whether you feel loved by the way they treat you. Real love requires empathy, compassion, and deep knowledge of the one we care for. We show active concern for that person’s life and growth. We try to understand their experience and world view though it may differ from ours. If you haven’t experienced such genuine love or it was mixed with abuse, then you may not appreciate real love nor expect to be treated any better.

Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurtful, and cold when it doesn’t serve them to be charming or cooperative. To them relationships are transactional. Rather than respond to feelings, they’re interested in getting their needs met―sometimes, even if it means exploiting others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excitement and passion in the early stages of a relationship, this is not love, but lust. They’re known for their game-playing. Sacrificing for a loved one isn’t in their playbook. Their lack of empathy also inures them to the pain that they cause others, while their cognitive, emotional intelligence gives them an edge in manipulating and exploiting others to get their needs met.

Emptiness

Narcissists lack a positive, emotional connection to themselves, making it difficult for them to emotionally connect with others. Their undeveloped self and deficient inner resources require them to be dependent on others for validation. Rather than confidence, they actually fear that they’re undesirable. They can only admire themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. Hence, despite their boasting and self-flattery, they crave attentionand constant admiration. Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves. They use relationships for self-enhancement and for their “narcissistic supply.” However, due to their inner emptiness, they’re never satisfied. Whatever you do for them is never enough to fill their emptiness. Like vampires who are dead inside, narcissists exploit and drain those around them.

Lack of Boundaries

Mythological Narcissus fell in love with his own image, as reflected in a pool of water. At first, he didn’t realize that it was himself. This metaphorically describes narcissists. Narcissists’ inner emptiness, shame, and undeveloped self make them uncertain of their boundaries. They don’t experience other people as separate individuals, but as two-dimensional, extensions of themselves, without feelings, since narcissists cannot empathize. Other people only exist to meet their needs. This explains why narcissists are selfish and oblivious to their impact on others, even when they’re cruel.

Narcissistic Defenses

It’s the defense mechanisms used by narcissists to protect their vulnerability that make relationships with narcissists so difficult. Common defenses they use are arrogance and contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.

Arrogance and contempt

These defenses inflate a narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to shield against unconscious feelings of inadequacy. It also shifts shame by projecting inferiority onto others.

Denial

Denial distorts reality so that a narcissist can live in an inflated bubble of their own fantasy world to protect their fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, twist facts, and delude themselves to avoid anything that may cause a chink in their armor, which is so thick, that to some narcissists, no amount of evidence or argument can get through.

Projection and blame

This defense enables unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or qualities to be disowned and mentally or verbally attributed to someone else. Blame shifts responsibility, so the narcissist is blameless. This defense serves the same function as denial. Projection is an unconscious process, whereby a narcissist doesn’t have to experience anything negative in him or herself, but sees it as external. Those traits are projected onto someone else or a group of people instead. You become the one who is selfish, weak, unlovable, or worthless. Projection is very crazy-making and damaging to the self-esteem of people close to a narcissist, especially children.

Aggression

Aggression is used to create safety by pushing people away. Narcissists see the world as hostile and threatening, and they move against people aggressively, both in word and behavior. This can lead to narcissistic abuse.Vindictive narcissists retaliate in order to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their offender.

Envy

Narcissists must be the best. They can’t take pleasure in someone else’s success. If someone else has what they want, it makes them feel inferior. Life is a zero-sum game. Competitive narcissists are not only envious of people who have what they want; they may react vengefully to bring them down, especially if they feel threatened. Narcissists are often envious and competitive with their children.

Understanding who you’re dealing with is very helpful, but finding out what you can do is more important.

What to Do If You Are Depressed: Facing the Beast

From Psychology Today:

Welcome to the second part of our “What to Do if You are Depressed” multi-part blog series. Part I included the following “take home” messages: (1) Depression is a state of shutdown; (2) we need to find a path of positive investment that is nourishing; (3) the process involves the three “As”: Awareness, Acceptance, and Active change.

Step 1 invited you to realize you are not alone, and it ended with a “metta mantra” of compassion for self and others. Today we consider some ways of relating to depression, with a focus on awareness and acceptance, rather than resistance and conflict.

Step 2: Turn and Look at the Beast Rather than Fight it or Run from It

Let’s face it, depression sucks. It feels miserable, it drains one’s motivation, and it orients people to want to escape and withdraw into an inner cave. Unfortunately, withdrawal into the cave has the ironic consequence of “feeding the beast.” Because of this, we need to develop a frame that orients toward the beast, at least somewhat. That is, rather than trying to hide in the cave or trying to publicly “smile” through one’s depression, the advice I offer is to look squarely at what is going on.

A metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) might help. Imagine yourself currently in a tug of war with the “beast” of depression. On one side is you, on the other is the beast, and between you two is a nasty pit. You are trying to pull the beast into the pit and be rid of him. He is trying to pull you into the pit. You are trapped in an epic struggle. What do you do? I am asking that you let go of the rope and simply look over at the beast standing there. Of course, doing so does not kill the beast. It is still there with you. But it also means you are not immediately fighting with it, trying to force it away. Remember, you are not alone: Imagine there are lots of people in lots of tug of wars with their beasts. Now imagine everyone letting go of the rope and then sharing with each other the fact that they have been engaged in a struggle.

The main point here is that we are shifting our attitude. Our step in this episode is to stop with a frontal assault that involves directly fighting, escaping, or trying to bury the beast that is depression. Rather, it is about looking at it. And, yes, in part that means living with it. This may feel scary and might well seem to be the exact opposite of what your instincts have been telling you: “After all,” you may be thinking, “I just want to be happy!”

That is understandable. But what we are starting on are the lessons of awareness and acceptance. They are not easy lessons.  Finally, although you may feel alone in your cave, recall that you are not. Depression is something that, directly or indirectly, affects us all. We all need to pull together and help each other reverse the cycles of shutting down.

If you found this ACT metaphor somewhat helpful, you may also find this one useful as well, as it uses a bus-driving metaphor that attempts to capture ways in which you might frame your life in relationship to your depression and the stressful, demanding voices in your head

The message of Part II is to reframe our initial way of relating to depression. Many struggle to fight against it. This post invites you to at least consider letting go of that direct struggle for the time being and allow yourself to accept the situation and the feelings you are dealing with. A great Buddhist insight is that suffering is the combination of pain and resistance. I invite you to move from resistance to a mode of greater acceptance. The next few steps in our journey are designed to help you further understand the kind of beast you are dealing with.

Unrequited Family Love Is Not Uncommon

Unrequited love happens in families a lot. We hear a lot of stories about people who feel they’re being destroyed by loved ones who just…don’t act loving. What is that about? When people you love make you feel horrible, it’s hard to believe, and almost impossible to accept, that they’re just not into you. In fact, they may not love you at all. When do you know that what your gut tells you is true?

Unrequited Family Love Hurts In So Many Ways

It’s confusing. Loved ones may say they may want you around for a lot of reasons. They may want you for the façade of happy family, or happy marriage. They may believe (or know) you give good presents or money when they need it. But if you feel bad whenever you speak to them, or when they put you off or ignore you, they’re sending you a message. “I just don’t care about you.” Believe it.

These six red flags show you are anything but loved:

Denying There’s Anything Wrong

You’re not included. Your loved one has better things to do when you come to town. He/she stands you up. You can’t get him/her on the phone. You feel horrible and ask what’s going on. Your loved one says it’s all in your head, “You jealous freak, you.”

Not Listening To Anything You Say

You’re always wrong. When you disagree with a loved one and he/she lawyers you to death, it’s demoralizing. You’re battered with a dozen reasons you’re wrong. You may feel you don’t exist. And for your loved one, you don’t. There is no way you will ever win an argument or be right about anything.

Triangulating Against You

Your loved one enlists others, your friends or family, into taking sides against you by telling bad things about you. Ganging up at any age makes you into the bad guy that deserves shunning or shaming.

Keeping Secrets

There’s a lot you’re excluded from. Your loved one doesn’t want you to know what’s going on in his/her life, or hides other important facts from you. You make mistakes based on incorrect information. You feel you’re in the dark, and you are.

Gaslighting

Your loved one denies things he/she did, or lies about things you actually know the truth about. Gaslighting constantly puts you on shifting ground so that you never know what’s real. Gaslighting is intended to control and drive you crazy.

Blaming and Shaming

You’re blamed for everything–from tiny things that aren’t perfect–to everything that’s gone wrong in the family, friendship, marriage and every relationship since the beginning of time. You’re also reminded of every mistake and humiliating thing you ever did.

Unrequited Love May Be Insensitivity

Sometimes people are not aware they hurt you and can be taught to be more sensitive. If they love you, they will listen to your concerns, apologize and make adjustments. When they won’t listen, make excuses, or blame you for having legitimate feelings, however, they know exactly what they’re doing. They won’t change, and you need to find new, and trustworthy, people to love.

One note from a reader is to remind people that where mental illness plays a part in your feeling unloved or abandoned, it may be that loved ones may be suffering too much pain themselves to be able to express positive feelings for others.

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Alcohol Math For Girls

Did you know when it comes to alcohol math girls may not be safe at any level of drinking?  It’s biology. Girls are impaired after one drink and drunk after two. Alcohol affects the behavior of your boys, of course, but not to the same degree or with the same adverse consequences. For boys, drinking is just a rite of passage and all too often a way to get laid without getting in trouble. For girls the adverse consequences are lasting. Do you know the alcohol math?

Alcohol Math At College

More kids die on college campuses as a result of alcohol or substances every year than in the military.
One in four college students is sexually assaulted as the result of drinking.
If fun in high school or college is drinking, your daughter is not going to tell you about the adverse consequences.
If your daughter, sister, friend has been assaulted in high school or college as the result of drinking, she is not likely to tell you, or the faculty, or seek help.
For girls, drinking and adverse alcohol experiences are not a just a rite of passage as they are experienced by boys.
If your daughter dares to talk, she will be blamed.
If she keeps the secret, the trauma and shame of adverse alcohol experiences in high school and college are lasting and life-changing.

What Girls Don’t Know

Girls, especially in high school, know that their parents don’t want them drinking. They know bad things can happen, but they want to have fun and be grown up. Young adults in college are encouraged to drink not just one, but to drink heavily. Girls and young women know they get drunk and feel sick. They know they act stupid and reckless. When they get assaulted, they blame themselves. Girls are taught that they can have fun and drink with the boys. They are taught to blame themselves for the adverse alcohol experiences that lead to assault.

Girls don’t know that no level of alcohol consumption is safe for them.

It isn’t just pregnant women who can’t drink without consequences.

Why Girls Can’t Drink Safely

Girls get drunk quicker and stay drunk longer. The simple reason for this is biology. Males have more water and enzymes in their bodies that allow them absorb alcohol more efficiently than women. A few drinks for a male will make them reckless and aggressive; even one drink for a girl renders her incapable of protecting herself.

Let’s Do The Alcohol Math

If you’ve ever seen a BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) card, you will know that girls’ blood alcohol content rises at a faster rate than boys. But BAC cards have not caught on in the seven years we’re been writing about alcohol. What do the numbers on the BAC cards really mean? When girls have just one drink, brain function is impaired. Reflexes are impaired. Judgement is impaired. They are no longer able to say no. Is this new information for you?

One Drink For a Boy Equals Two For A Girl

You may have to see the math to understand how extreme the imbalance is between males and females and how little alcohol it takes to incapacitate girls.

1 drink for a boy = 2 drinks for a girl

2 drinks for a boy = 4 drinks for a girl

3 drinks for a boy = 6 drinks for a girl

The simple fact is your daughters, sisters, friends are at risk for sexual exploitation after just one drink. But how many girls know that? How many girls and women are taught to think that the fun has to stop after one drink. Girls are taught to play the drinking games and to keep up with the boys.

Now You Know The Alcohol Math

Now you know that when your daughter, sister, friends, have two drinks it’s the same as a male having four. And when they have three drinks, it’s the same as a boy having six. It’s time for a change. #notmetoo, #knowyourlimit

References:

From Celeste Robb-Nicholson, M.D., Editor in Chief, @ Harvard Women’s Health Watch: Why Does Alcohol Affect Women Differently?
From The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: Women And Alcohol

More Than A Coloring Book

Entering recovery is an incredible metamorphosis. Those in recovery learn a new way to think. They’re immersed in unfamiliar terms, slogans, and acronyms. As a result, friends and family often struggle with an unexpected kind of illiteracy. Our new book, Find Your True Colors In 12 Steps, reinforces early recovery lessons and translates these lessons so friends and family can join their loved ones in this empowering new world.

Recovery Is For Everyone

It only takes one person in recovery to change the whole family. Addiction is a family disease that affects generations, and everyone in the family needs to heal. Sometimes, the person who struggles with addiction isn’t the first who seeks recovery. Parents, partners, and children find support and healing in programs like Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, and Celebrate Recovery.

Each of these family support programs follow the same 12 Steps of AA and NA. Why? Because they have helped millions. When families all work the same program, they can all speak the new language of recovery. Even if your loved one doesn’t quickly follow you into a program, your recovery will help you navigate the heartbreaking challenges of addiction.

This coloring book supplements a 12 Step recovery program with a twist. Many hurt by addiction live in constant fear. Will she get fired today? Will he get arrested? Or what if she drives home drunk again? We can’t sleep, and our thoughts race to plan for our worst fears: court dates, overdoses, and funerals. Our minds can only focus on one thought at a time.

This coloring book gives hurting minds 51 scenes to color and hours of distractions on which to focus.

Journaling is another key element to recovery, but it’s an intimidating habit to start. This book features 17 writing prompts to help you ease into this strange new therapy.

More Than Just A Coloring Book

We took the relaxing concept of adult coloring books and infused it with tools and slogans. Our book has 12 chapters, one for each step. Here’s an inside look at Step 12.

Order Your Families’ Books Today

Embarking on the brave new journey to recovery means you’ll learn a new language too: the language of hope. You’ll learn to communicate without fear and blame. You’re basically learning to talk butterfly language. Order your books today, so every person in your family can learn the incredible new language of recovery.

The post More Than A Coloring Book appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

How To Stay Calm And Sober When Things Go Wrong

I didn’t used to know how to stay calm and sober when things went wrong, and it caused endless distress. Let me explain and set the scene that inspired this piece…

Learning how to stay calm when things go wrong is essential for long-term sobriety

“Dammit! His tail just flicked my eye. Try again. Did you get it?” I stood in the main Kinkatopia room desperately posing with the kinkajous, as we tried to get a headshot. “Hang on, let me see if I can get TC down here. Wait … OK … there she goes…”

My boyfriend fired his camera, taking photos for dear life. We both knew we had a short window to get a good shot — if we could get one. Thirty minutes later, we had quite the compilation of kinkajou butt pictures, blurred brown streaks, and photos of my face contorted in various ways. We had maybe two viable options, neither of which included a kinkajou. 

“We’ll go with this one for now and try to get one with a kinkajou some other time,” I settled. We tried, we had fun — for that we were victorious. 

A couple years ago, I would have fought tooth and nail to get that shot. I would have irritated the animals and argued with my boyfriend the whole time, dragging it out. I would have created a miserable experience and probably concluded with just the same outcome. But today I have acceptance that I am in no control of the external world around me.  

More than that, what better opportunity to learn I am powerless over most aspects of my life than when working with wild animals. I clean — they throw food and poop on my neat floors. I strategically hang tunnels and ropes from the ceiling for their enjoyment — they pull the hooks out of the ceiling that hold up these items. I let them out into the house for a good time — they clear off my bookshelves and steal food from the cabinets. 

Life, like my animals, is wild, and maintaining my emotional sobriety within whatever happens is a gift of sobriety for me

It doesn’t matter how I prepare for the madness; they always trump me. Whether I line the floors with newspaper, enforce my wall hangings, or kink-proof my household. They always find a way.

Such is life. The only thing truly consistent in this world is change, and for the sake of this article — our inevitable meeting of circumstances out of our control. 

So, what do I do when things don’t go the way I planned and I need to stay calm?

Foremost, I practice radical acceptance, and I pray. Easier said than done, but with time and repetition, these tools have become second nature. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t need to pray over a soiled floor. When I get an unexpected bill, impatient about life milestones, or bad news about a loved one — I use the skills I have acquired. 

Second, I find solace in knowing there is something greater than me out there. Every hiccup is leading me to exactly where I am supposed to be. I don’t do this perfectly, but I at least have awareness and a great support system to point me in this direction, when I lead myself astray. 

As I write this, I have a kinkajou gnawing on my hand. Kinkatopia’s most recent addition, Kinky, is struggling with biting when he is overstimulated. In a calm manner, he wraps his body tightly around my fist and starts chewing on me. It’s not the worst bite, but it’s certainly not pleasant. This is not how I saw his transition going by any means.

I can apply the same acceptance to this situation. Just like me, Kinky is right where he is supposed to be. I don’t get upset. And like a sponsor, I follow the directions given to me by my animal trainer. Just like with my sobriety, I have a team to help me with my sanctuary. 

Lastly, I pray. I talk to my Higher Power and ask to be shown what I need to know. Sometimes it’s revealed quickly and sometimes slowly, but it’s always revealed. And hey, Kinky is really giving me an opportunity to practice patience, love, and tolerance — so there’s the bonus.

Things aren’t always going to go our way, and that’s OK. It’s how we handle ourselves in which we can find true empowerment and serenity. Now please excuse me, I have to go put this kinkajou on another time out.

The post How To Stay Calm And Sober When Things Go Wrong appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Health Data Breeds Obsession

Health data seems like a good thing, right? Until it starts taking over your whole life and breeding anxiety.

When Bri Cawsey started wearing a Fitbit, she thought it was simply a “really cool tool” for charting her runs. Slowly but surely, however, the British Columbia-based strength and conditioning coach began tracking everything—calories, macronutrients, fertility—and noticed the habit spiraling out of control.

“It became a little bit of an obsessive habit, especially around the food,” Cawsey remembers. Eventually, she says, it got so bad that, if she didn’t research a meal’s calorie and nutrient breakdown in advance, she’d feel anxious and upset at restaurants. In 2014, after realizing that her once-healthy habit had turned hazardous, Wilson “broke up” with her Fitbit, detailing the decision in a post on her fitness blog. She’s been tracker-free ever since, save for a brief stint while training to qualify for the Boston Marathon, and recommends her clients stay that way, too. “It was this great sense of peace,” she says of ditching the data. “I wasn’t as critical with myself.”

Health Data Obsession

In a culture where wellness junkies use apps, websites and wearables to monitor every morsel that passes their lips, every step they take, every beat of their hearts, their sleep cycles, and their fitness progress, we have health insights we’ve never had before. But Dr. George Zgourides, a Texas-based psychologist, family medicine doctor and author of the 2002 book Stop Worrying About Your Health, says these boundless data can contribute to a culture of health anxiety.

Increasingly, he’s noticing that people are excessively concerned about health issues to the point that it might be interfering with mental health, work and relationships.

And while once these worriers might have stoked their fears only with “Dr. Google,” as Zgourides calls it, they’re now equipped with an army of apps and devices that can spit out personalized data on command. “Now that you can count every calorie and every step you’re taking, people that might have some tendency toward an obsession with or a focus on numbers, this feeds the behavior in a way that is not always helpful,” Zgourides says.

In 2015, for example, researchers at Duke University in North Carolina found that activity-tracking can decrease enjoyment of whatever pastime someone is trying to quantify, and even lead people to do less of it when the trackers are off. A 2017 study published in the journal Eating Behaviors also found associations between the use of calorie-counting and/or fitness-tracking devices and eating disorder symptoms among college students. And a 2016 survey of female Fitbit users found that almost 60% felt like their days were controlled by their devices, and 30% said the gadget was an “enemy” that made them feel guilty.

Even as these trackers grow more and more sophisticated, the pushback against them—for reasons ranging from mental health to consumer privacy—is mounting. Companies are even capitalizing by offering products that provide an alternative to data overload.

Take Shapa, a scale made by a startup of the same name. Shapa doesn’t spit out your weight when you step on it. Instead, it aggregates three weeks of weigh-in data, and uses a color-coded system to tell users if they’re gaining pounds, holding steady or losing weight. The idea, says co-founder and behavioral scientist Dan Ariely, is to shift the focus away from incremental weight changes, and toward more meaningful patterns.

“My weight can go up and down depending on when I went to the bathroom and how much salt I’ve had and when I peed last and how much I’m dehydrated,” Ariely says. “Giving people information about things going up and down within that range is just confusing and demotivating, and it’s not helping [them] understand the relationship between cause and effect.”

Shapa’s approach is meant to help people see the connection between their recent behavior and their weight, without getting bogged down in the specific numbers. It’s designed to counteract other products in the wellness-tracking world, Ariely says, which tend to dump data on people without context or actionable advice. “A lot of the ‘quantified self’ is basically designed for computer algorithms, not for people,” he says.

Food-diary app YouAte is doing something similar for dieting. Like many nutrition apps, it allows users to log their meals and snacks, but instead of tabulating calorie counts, it asks individuals to categorize their food choices as “on-path” or “off-path” and note how those choices made them feel, ideally fostering mindful—but not obsessive—eating. There’s also YouFood, a food-diary app that helps users track their choices through photos, so they can get a general sense of their nutrition habits rather than meticulously counting calories and macronutrients.

That’s a smart strategy, says Jessica Setnick, a Texas-based registered dietitian and eating-disorder specialist. “Under almost no circumstances would I recommend calorie counting,” she says. “Ultimately, the goal is to not need to count calories at all, but to be able to follow internal cues for guidance.”

Setnick says eating disorders existed long before Fitbits and diet apps, but allows that these gadgets can exacerbate underlying issues. The “tools” can become “weapons,” she says, and nutrition-information overload can be debilitating.

“We have the most nutrition information of anywhere in the world, and yet it hasn’t necessarily made us Americans healthier at all,” she says. “The best information is really Michael Pollan-esque: Eat mostly plants, not too much, and enjoy your food. It’s very, very basic information that people need.”

Cawsey, the former Fitbit addict, agrees. She says listening to internal cues, rather than health and fitness apps, has made her far happier, and healthier.

“If you are one of those people who is attached to all your apps and gadgets, maybe try to take a break and notice how you feel without it and trust yourself to eat without your Fitbit or MyFitnessPal telling you what to eat,” she suggests. “Spending that time to just let it all go and just trust yourself, listen to yourself, was really healing.”

Content originally published by Time  Article By Jamie Ducharme

The post Health Data Breeds Obsession appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Adult Children Of Alcoholics: Life In A Circus

Adult children of alcoholics are molded for dysfunction. What does that mean? It means that the elephant in our world is crisis, and all reality is denied from the moment we’re born. Every day is life in the circus. Recovery slogans and sayings abound, comparing addiction to a three-ring circus. These analogies give many adult children of alcoholics and addicts the words to explain their chaotic upbringing.

Why do I keep going to the circus?

A few weeks ago I came across this meme on social media:

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

My family of origin is a circus. One or more of them are always in a crisis, and for years, I kept going back to watch their circus unfold. I had extreme anxiety because of my family’s addiction. I even moved out of state, yet I kept running back. Why? I was afraid of being punished if I don’t.

According to circus lore, baby elephants are trained by tying a rope around their neck and then tying them to a pole. The babies struggle to break free without success. Eventually, they exhaust themselves and quietly submit. This is repeated over and over until the poor babies believe that the rope, not the pole is what squelches their freedom.

Adult children of alcoholics and the power of punishment

In my family of origin, my parents were both the gigantic proverbial elephants in the room. One parent was a “dry drunk” and the other was a codependent. Both parents were loud and frightening. They used anger, hatred, punishment and at times abuse to control me. Like the baby circus elephants, I quickly learned to submit to my fear of punishment. Even now as a grown up, I still feel the pull to revert back to my childhood role. My innate response is to submit to ALL others as if they actually had power over me and return to an invisible prison.

Breaking free from the fear

In 1978, Tony A., who is considered to be the primary founder of Adult Children of Alcoholics, wrote The Laundry List, 14 characteristics or common behaviors that detail the adult child personality. Tony A.’s original list (numbers 1 and 3) explain the invisible prison of fear:

We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

How do adult children of alcoholics heal?

Wouldn’t it be lovely if I could simply say, “I’m never going to be afraid again.” Sadly, my fear of punishment is deeply rooted. To heal, I too need recovery.  In numbers 4 and 10 of The Flip Side of The Other Laundry List, we find these steps to healing:

We accept and comfort the isolated and hurt inner child we have abandoned and disavowed and thereby end the need to act out our fears of enmeshment and abandonment with other people.
We accept we were traumatized in childhood and lost the ability to feel. Using the 12 Steps as a program of recovery we regain the ability to feel and remember and become whole human beings who are happy, joyous and free.

Groups like ACA, Al-Anon, Alateen, Nar-Anon, CoDA, and Celebrate Recovery all help guide family members though recovery.

Freedom Is Worth It

Recovery wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. I tried everything from anxiety and depression meds to family counseling. Those interventions on their own weren’t strong enough to help me break out. In fact, I was still unaware of my invisible prison. Once I finally ventured into a 12 Step meeting, everything clicked. I became AWARE of how my parent’s addiction affected me. Slowly, with the help of a Sponsor and accountability partners, I ACCEPTED my hurtful upbringing. Eventually, I was ready to take ACTION by setting boundaries and protecting myself.

I am one of the lucky ones. I’m still in contact with my family. I still love them and care deeply for them, but I put my well being first. I have strong boundaries to keep me safe when the elephants get rattled. And they do get rattled.

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Calling Addiction A Disease May Be a Roadblock

A decade ago some experts were concerned that calling addiction a disease would both stigmatize it further and prevent people from seeking help. Why? If it’s a disease, you’re not responsible for it. It is what is.

This ignore-it attitude about substance and alcohol addiction was prevalent throughout the ages before there were any effective treatments for it. But now, some 23 million people are in some form of recovery from addiction to substances and alcohol. Why should changing a definition to calling addiction a disease impact people’s desire to get help?

If people felt that way about physical diseases like cancer, or heart disease, or pneumonia, we might have greater epidemics of those diseases, too. The addiction epidemic is growing because we’re not messaging recovery correctly. Are we adequately showing that recovery works? Are we providing adequate access to all the forms of treatment people need? Positive messaging may provide hope. It would be a start.

From Science Daily

Research finds that people with substance-use problems who read a message describing addiction as a disease are less likely to report wanting to engage in effective therapies, compared to those who read a message that addiction behaviors are subject to change. The finding could inform future public and interpersonal communication efforts regarding addiction.

“When we began talking about addiction as a disease, the goal was to decrease stigma and encourage treatment,” says Sarah Desmarais, coauthor of a paper on the work and an associate professor of psychology at North Carolina State University. “That worked, to an extent, but an unforeseen byproduct was that some people experiencing addiction felt like they had less agency; people with diseases have no control over them.”

“We wanted to see if an alternative message aimed at changing that mindset could affect how people with substance-use problems viewed themselves with regard to addiction,” says Jeni Burnette, first author of the paper and an associate professor of psychology at NC State. “Specifically, we focused on using a growth mindset message. The growth mindset message stresses that human attributes are malleable, and we know from previous work that it encourages better self-regulatory strategies such as seeking helping from others.”

For this study, the researchers enrolled 214 men and women who screened as positive for substance-use problems. One hundred and twenty-four of the study participants received the growth mindset message, whereas 90 participants received the message that addiction is a disease. The growth mindset article described various factors that can contribute to substance abuse, and stressed that there are multiple ways for people to address their addiction. The disease article described the changes in the brain that take place during addiction.

After reading their respective articles, participants in both groups completed a survey that asked them about how much they felt they could change their substance abuse; how confident they were in their ability to address the problem; how much they blamed themselves for their substance abuse; and the extent to which they planned to seek several types of treatment for addiction.

The researchers found that study participants who received the growth mindset message reported stronger growth mindsets and more confidence in their ability to handle their addiction, relative to the study participants who received the disease message. Importantly, there was no difference between the two groups regarding the extent to which they blamed themselves for their addiction.

“These findings are good news,” Desmarais says. “We want people to feel empowered and confident to change their behavior, but not to feel guilty about it.”

Additionally, participants in the growth mindset message group reported stronger intentions to seek counseling or cognitive-behavioral therapy, compared to the participants who got the disease message. There was no difference between groups when it came to seeking pharmacological treatment for addiction.

“It’s promising to see the growth mindset group express a greater willingness to seek treatment via counseling or cognitive-behavioral therapy,” Desmarais says. “And the lack of difference between groups on medication treatment is also good news, because it reflects the fact that both groups equally appreciate the medical aspects of addiction.

“Overall, our findings support moving away from messaging about addiction solely as a disease,” Desmarais says. “It’s more complicated than that. Instead, the finding suggests that it would be more helpful to talk about the many different reasons people become addicted.”

“The findings also highlight the potential to use growth mindset interventions to help substance users engage in effective treatments,” Burnette notes.

Story Source:

Materials provided by North Carolina State University. Note: Content may be edited for style and length.

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6 Reasons Recovery Fails

Recovery fails, but not because of the addicts. But don’t call people with Substance or Alcohol Use Disorders addicts. After twenty years of seeing millions of families devastated by the ravages of addiction and experiencing real transformation and recovery in my own family, I know what works and what doesn’t. What we’re doing as families, communities and a nation isn’t working. Here are six reasons recovery fails, and none of them have anything to do with the sufferers.

State and Federal bills to provide public information that aren’t funded. Families don’t receive the information they need to understand the brain disease of addiction and the ways it impacts the whole family.The Parity Act of 2009 requires coverage of treatment for addiction and mental illness but hasn’t been implemented by insurance companies. Families don’t get the coverage they need, which means most people don’t get treated.Hundreds of millions of dollars spent on research to determine evidence-based treatment is useless when there’s no funding to provide treatment or insurance companies to pay for it. Who will benefit by this research and how will it be implemented.Family members who desperately search the internet for treatment in state of crisis with no idea what they are looking at or what kind of treatment they will receive. Family members don’t know all the treatment options available and don’t have reviews to see what kind of care they can expect.Focusing on punishment and fixing persons with substance or alcohol use disorder instead of addressing the environment that caused it. The world doesn’t support and welcome people in recovery who don’t drink the way they support victims of physical diseases.Prevention programs in schools don’t exist. Kids don’t know what drugs do to their brains. They aren’t armed with the facts.



When Recovery Fails Can We Change

Recovery isn’t working because we won’t change. We really won’t change. We won’t fund education. We won’t fund public information. We won’t fund insurance. We won’t fund treatment. We won’t do our homework as parents.

If we truly want to stop the addiction epidemic, we have to
make a few changes, in ourselves.

Change the environment at home among parents so that toddlers, children and teens don’t grow up watching their parents drink and use drugs. Kids copy what they see. Change the environment at home to be truly welcoming of loved ones in recovery who can’t drink, smoke pot, do drugs. Would you stop drinking to save your child? Change the environment at school so that kids want to be healthy instead of cool. Change the environment at college so that drinking and drugging is not tolerated.Accept the fact that substance addiction changes brain function and behavior. The damage is not instantly reversed when using stops.Your loved one may take a decade to transform into the best that he or she can be.

Are we willing to change our habits, beliefs and lifestyle. Can we work together to create a different environment to save our children and teens?

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