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7 Things Children Of Alcoholics Can Be Grateful For

How many times have I heard people share that they “do not regret the past?” People, who have, by the way, experienced extreme trauma including child abuse, domestic violence, affairs, and addiction. So what can anyone who has grown up with childhood trauma be grateful for?



“Whatever brought me into recovery” says Sharon M., “has helped me to make such positive life changes that I truly feel appreciative more than resentful, much more in fact. I know it sounds odd but I even feel grateful to the pain that led me to see so much about myself, other people and this thing we call life, that I have learned to live and love a day at a time.”

For starters, you are not alone. More than 26 MILLION Americans are Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). Many of those who have found recovery have also found these seven trauma-grown gifts.

1. A Sense of Gratitude and Appreciation for an Ordinary Day

When you have lived with the pain and angst of addiction, you have stared into the jaws of hell. You have seen first hand how bad choices can destroy a life. This is true not only for the addict but for all those who live with an addict. When you have been a part of recovery, you have seen first hand how good choices can make a life. And at the very center of this feeling is how it impacts each day. An ordinary, normal day, one in which problems are normal ones, dinner finds its way onto a table and there is normal conversation, some laughter, some quiet, some chit-chat, comes to have an almost spiritual quality. It feels soothing, real, alive and worthwhile.

We no longer take these days for granted. We know the beauty of an ordinary day.

2. Relationship Sobriety

When we lack emotional sobriety because we have lived with the constant stress of addiction, our relationships lack emotional sobriety as well. As our own inner world feels less manageable, our relationships come to mirror this unmanageability. We don’t know where we leave off and others begin, the inevitable overlapping of inner worlds that happens naturally in intimacy, becomes codependent rather than inter-dependent. Tensions become exaggerated and easy good times make us anxious because we do not expect them to last. We look for problems before they look for us, it’s part of the hyper-vigilance that is the legacy of trauma.

In recovery we learn new ways of being with ourselves and with others. We learn to tolerate and manage emotions, to talk out feelings rather than act them out. As our trust in ourselves increases our ability to trust ourselves with others does as well. We learn how to have boundaries that take care of both ourselves and the relationship; boundaries become porous rather than rigid. We can relax, let go and enjoy being in the presence of others rather than needing to withdraw from connection, because we cannot hold onto a sense of self in connection with others.

3. Learn What NOT To Do

We learn as much by negative examples as by positive ones. Growing up with addicted parents and witnessing first hand the cost to the family can make us, if we accept that lesson, never want to be the agent of such destruction in our own lives. There are many problems we encounter in life that we have to accept and cope with as best we can, but both addiction and enabling have an element of choice. We can choose recovery and health. 

4. A Sense of the Depth and Wonder of Life

If as Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living,” then living with addiction makes the choice ever more stark. Choosing addiction is choosing a slow walk to the grave. Choosing to examine and understand all that drives us to our own destruction opens the door, in fact flings the door open to choosing life.

5. A Sense of Community

You always have a place to go. Alanon, ACoA and CODA are world wide self help organizations that offer safe haven, connection and a sense of community. If you move, travel or find yourself with either time or personal need, you can enter “the rooms” and find like minded people, you can find caring and support.

6. A New Design for Living

It’s not only the addict who finds a “new design for living”: through recovery. Children, spouses and family members can and do as well. Recovery is about awareness, acceptance and action. Choice. Recovery allows and encourages us to examine life, to become humble and vulnerable enough to grow and stretch and be open to change. We become capable of embracing the mystery of life.

7. The Gift of Recovery, Including Mindful Living

All of the above points are what those of us who no longer “regret the past nor wish to close the door on it,” would see as a part of recovery. Living on purpose is its own reward, making one positive choice leads to another and taking responsibility for our own happiness puts us in the driver’s seat.

So make a gratitude list today. Whether you choose to say thank you to someone who does something nice, or express appreciation to someone you care about or even think grateful thoughts, the science behind gratitude is clear.

A one time grateful thought and act of gratitude or appreciation produces a 10% bump up in happiness and 35% reduction in depressive symptoms.

These happy effects and feelings, according to the study conducted by Martin E. Seligman, the father of positive psychology and his team, disappear within three to six months. That’s a pretty good return on an investment if you ask me. It also makes clear that the benefits of regular, even weekly “attitudes of gratitude” and their corresponding acts, can be literally medicine to our body and our mental health.

So say thank you to someone today, including yourself and see what happens!

This article by Dr. Tian Dayton was originally published by the Huffington Post.

The post 7 Things Children Of Alcoholics Can Be Grateful For appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

How Cocaine Affects Your Health

From Refinery29.com:

It can be difficult to separate the idea of cocaine from the glamour to which it’s been attached for so many decades. If tabloids have any truth to them (and that’s a big IF), life as a celebrity in the ’80s and ’90s consisted of expensive sports cars, leggy models and parties plentiful with cocaine. Tarantino’s True Romance stylized it, BLOW made it look really sexy, and who could forget that picturesque white mountain in Scarface?Undoubtedly, Hollywood and the papped party scene glamorized the substance, but it’s the everyday settings in which it’s consumed that we need to talk about: as a pick-me-up on a Friday night after work in that all too familiar pattern of a drink, a line, a cigarette.

This behaviour is showing no signs of slowing. Canadians ranked second in cocaine use around the world, according to the 2019 Global Drug Survey. Which might not be a surprise since the survey found that cocaine is cheaper in Canada, costing about $85 a gram versus the global average of $120 per gram.

And while we might think of cocaine as traditionally a masculine drug, use seems to be spread equally between genders. The Guardian reported that, as of 2014, women are just as likely to consume drugs as men. Everyone knows that cocaine — like other drugs — is highly problematic, not only because of what it does to our health, but for the way it is sourced and transported to Europe. According to VICE, drug cartels in Mexico account for roughly 55% of the country’s murders and the continued demand for recreational drugs only helps to perpetuate that staggering rate. And yet, sadly, ethical culpability is rarely something one considers on a Friday night around 11pm.We spoke to Nicky Walton-Flynn, Founder of Addiction Therapy London and Co-Founder of Wellness Hub UK, about why women in particular might be more susceptible to casual misuses of cocaine, and what the side-effects of a causal habit might be. She levelled that: “The pressures placed on women now, whether perceived or actual, drive lots of people to extreme measures. For obvious reasons, such as increased confidence and energy, cocaine has become to the go-to recreational substance of choice for young women and it’s relatively cheap.”

Here’s a run-down from Walton-Flynn on what that once-or-twice a week coke intake is actually doing to our individual and collective physical and mental health.

Tell us a bit about your work? How do you help cocaine addicts?

I work in private practice and offer an integrative model of talking therapy. I mostly work with people who are interested in stopping taking cocaine. I rarely work with harm minimization models, simply because my experience is that they don’t work when addressing cocaine addiction. My clients aim to work towards a lifestyle of abstinence. Initially, I help people understand that, once addicted to cocaine, returning to being an occasional user is unrealistic. Psycho-education is an essential aspect of initial addiction therapy. I encourage my patients to identify the wider consequences of their cocaine use. For example: physical illness, lost days at work, loss of job, being estranged from friends and family, being in debt.

What constitutes a cocaine addiction?

Addiction is often referred to as a “progressive condition,” so once tolerance levels build up, an increased amount of the substance is required to achieve the same effect. It is not possible to say that if you use X grams of cocaine weekly over a six month period that you will become addicted. It is possible to be a “functional cocaine addict” for a period of time before needing to seek help.Addiction doesn’t happen to everyone. There is no certainty that if you use cocaine, you will develop an addiction, but probability is high due to its interference with reward pathways in the brain. The propensity to addiction is linked to a range of contributory factors; for example family history of addictions, childhood experiences, recent or historical trauma. These will influence motivation for taking cocaine and one’s propensity to become addicted.

“Cocaine is one of the most psychologically addictive drugs because of how it stimulates and increases levels of the feel good neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain”

How does a cocaine habit turn into an addiction?

Through continued and increased use over a period of time. Cocaine is one of the most psychologically addictive drugs because of how it stimulates and increases levels of the feel good neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain. It interferes with the pleasure and reward pathways in the brain.

What are the side effects of cocaine over a prolonged period of time?

Because cocaine affects the reward pathways in the brain, increased use over time results in an inability to gain pleasure and reward from what would be considered “normal” pleasures. An example is sex. If cocaine is used repeatedly in sex, the ability to enjoy and experience sexual pleasure without cocaine becomes diminished. As well as affecting the reward pathways, cocaine also affects the brain pathways that respond to stress. In my experience, I often see a presentation of cocaine addiction co-occurring alongside a stress disorder. Cocaine use elevates stress hormones, but people then seek out more cocaine to alleviate their stress, creating the addictive cycle.“

In most cases, people will experience an intense euphoria followed by intense flatness of mood and depression”

What are the short-term effects of cocaine use?

The short-term side effects of cocaine use are loss of appetite, malnourishment, increased heart rate and blood pressure, constricting blood vessels, increased rate of breathing, dilated pupils, headaches, disturbed sleep patterns, nausea and abdominal pain and hyper-stimulation. As well as bizarre, erratic, sometimes violent behaviour and risky sexual behaviour. Hallucinations, hyper-excitability, irritability, anger. In most cases, people will experience an intense euphoria followed by intense flatness of mood and depression. In extreme cases: tactile hallucination that creates the illusion of bugs burrowing under the skin, itching and scratching, as well as high levels of anxiety and irritability paranoia; depression matched with an intense craving for the drug, panic and psychosis, convulsions, seizures and in rare cases, sudden death from high doses.

And the long-term effects of cocaine use?

The long-term effects of cocaine use are rather varied. From permanent damage to blood vessels of the heart and brain, to high blood pressure leading to heart attacks, strokes, and death, to liver, kidney and lung damage, to destruction of tissues in the nose if sniffed. Infectious diseases and abscesses if injected. Respiratory failure when cocaine is smoked. Malnutrition and weight loss as a result of appetite suppression. Tooth decay. Sexual health issues including reproductive damage and infertility (affecting both men and women.) Disorientation, apathy, confusion and exhaustion. Irritability and high mood disturbances. Auditory hallucinations, increased frequency of dangerous and high risk taking behaviour — especially sexual behaviour and unpredictable and increased irrational behaviour leading to psychosis and/or delirium and clinical depression.“

‘I just want to have a good time, I’m not hurting anyone else, I’m only young once, I’ll stop when I settle down, when I get married, when I have children, when I’m 25, 28, 35….’. This is denial of one’s addiction.”

Why do you think we have a more casual relationship to cocaine than other drugs?

Media glamorization combined with low prices makes it more affordable to a wider demographic. It is no longer exclusive to celebrities and high salaried professionals. Cocaine has been glamorized over recent decades in films, songs, media; it’s seen as cool. And importantly it makes us feel good — so we ask ourselves, “How can it be harming me?” There is also a lack of public awareness campaigns that educate young people about the reality of its dangers.

What kind of behaviour should people watch out for?

A key indicator of whether a person’s use of cocaine has progressed from being a social habit they are in control of, to dependency, is when they are unable to keep to their decision not to buy cocaine despite having made a decision to have a cocaine-free night. This decision will typically happen once alcohol has been consumed. This is a clear indicator that there is a shift in power, i.e. the drug has control over you; you are no longer in charge of your own using patterns and the choice has been taken away. This is dependency/addiction. It is at this stage that we observe denial of the dependency: “I do have a choice, I just want to have a good time, I’m not hurting anyone else, I’m only young once, I’ll stop when I settle down, when I get married, when I have children, when I’m 25, 28, 35….” This is denial of one’s addiction and is the most common narrative I hear in my rooms. If someone recognizes this, I would invite them to seek help.

More obvious signs: It takes longer to get over a night partying using cocaine, hangovers are more severe, there is a need to ingest more of the drug to achieve the same effect, the high doesn’t last as long as it did; feelings of flatness and depression arise sooner after taking a hit. Eventually the euphoria will cease altogether and the user will instead just experience anxiety and paranoia.“

Young women are under increased pressure to be smart, funny, charming, sexy, beautiful, thin, clever, professional, high achieving… the list goes on. Cocaine makes young women feel these things and takes away those pressures, replacing them with momentary misguided feelings of success.”

Why do you think young women are prone to the casual use of cocaine?

Cocaine evokes feelings of confidence and makes people feel “sexy.” Young women (20-35) are under increased pressure to be smart, funny, charming, sexy, beautiful, thin, clever, professional, high achieving… the list goes on. Cocaine makes young women feel these things and takes away those pressures, replacing them with momentary misguided feelings of success. Cocaine is also a disinhibiting drug so young women will feel confident to behave in ways that they might not if they were not under the influence of cocaine. For example, sexually.

How old is your typical client for cocaine addiction?

Between 24-45.

What are the common misconceptions you think people fall victim to when addressing their own drug habits?

Addiction is a condition that tells you that you haven’t got a condition. Denial. People reassure themselves by comparing their own use to someone they know who uses more than they do. Therefore they are OK. Telling themselves that everyone they know uses cocaine and thereby normalizing it. Minimizing their own use and the reality of the consequences of their use.

The post How Cocaine Affects Your Health appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Dealing With Multiple Addictive Behaviors

From argusleader:

Addiction can be defined as the compulsive repeated use of a drug or substance (such as alcohol) or performance of a behavior (such as gambling). Dependence is different, occurring when repeated use of a drug (such as heroine) results in physical dependence which causes an unpleasant feeling of withdrawal when the drug is stopped. Addiction and dependence can occur separately, although they often run together.

At five-years-old, I was a thumb-sucker. I recall not being proud of it as my folks seemed progressively upset about my “addiction.” The process that finally helped me quit was when I was told I would not visit my grandma in Minneapolis until I stopped sucking my thumb. I remember many struggled attempts at quitting before I finally shook the monkey off my back. Addiction is a human condition that can affect any one of us.

The people in this country are currently caught in a terrible maelstrom of opioid addiction from which human beings of all ages, races and economic status seem unable to escape. Twice as many people suffocated to death from opioids last year than died of vehicular crashes. According to the website DrugFree.org, in 2010, something like 23.5 million people in the U.S. (about one in every ten over the age of 12) were addicted to alcohol, drugs, or something. Of those addicted, only one in ten would ever get help.ADVERTISING

One expert stated that the financial and emotional toll of addiction is greater than the combined consequences of diabetes mellitus and all cancers put together. Think of all the lung disease and cancer that results from smoking; the cirrhosis and liver failure as well as the dementia that results from alcohol; the dental problems from methamphetamine use; and all the social consequences of addiction including accidental vehicular crashes, suicides, homicides, criminal behavior and incarceration.

Despite all this doomsday talk, I think we have room for hope if we realize that none of us is immune and everyone should take precautions. We should start with an open-eyed and honest approach with our youth, teaching the truth about addiction without making addictive behaviors a “forbidden fruit.” Our country desperately needs affordable addiction and mental health treatment options, available to all, without the negative stigma (and often unhelpful incarceration) that can follow. Spending for prevention and treatment of addiction would save us all significantly more than it would cost.

We also need more research to better understand addiction and what influences addictive behavior, even that as seemingly benign as sucking one’s thumb.

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Family Recovery Court Helps With Addiction And Stabilizes Home Life

From npr:

States are embracing problem solving courts to deal with increased drug arrests. Indiana is launching family recovery courts. Unlike drug courts, FRCs involve a civil, not criminal process.

STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:

We report next on an approach to the opioid crisis. Some states are turning toward what are called problem-solving courts, which help address underlying addiction issues. So-called family recovery courts attempt to keep families together while keeping defendants out of the regular criminal justice system. From our member station WBOI in Fort Wayne, Ind., Barb Anguiano reports.

BARB ANGUIANO, BYLINE: In 2017, Aaron O’Neil (ph) was in a central Indiana jail, for the second time, for crimes related to his addiction to prescription opiates. He was ready to start rehab when he found out his partner had overdosed and died and that could lead to him losing custody of his infant daughter. Instead, O’Neil was offered a place in family recovery court. He didn’t know what that entailed but saw it as an effort to help him both with recovery and child custody.

At a busy coffee shop in his hometown of Marion, Ind., where he attended the court, O’Neil explains how important it was that the presiding judge cared about O’Neil’s family.

AARON O’NEIL: First and foremost was the fact that it was based on your family. You know what I mean? They didn’t just focus on your addiction. They want to help you with your addiction, but they want to help stabilize your home life, too.

ANGUIANO: He says the court helped coordinate everyday necessities like housing and child care, allowing him to focus on his recovery. He says it was easy to ask for help because he was in constant contact with both court officials and counselors. He calls the social safety net created by the court life-changing.

O’NEIL: When I first started, I just wanted to find a way to live a day-to-day life without using anymore. And after I had been in the program for a couple months, I wanted to change who I was as a person – be a better father, be a better provider. And they showed me ways to do that.

ANGUIANO: Family recovery court is a voluntary program. Families in it have children in danger of being removed from their homes specifically because of substance abuse.

ANGUIANO: Theresa Lemus works with the National Family and Drug Court Program (ph). She guides states on best practices for setting up family recovery courts across the country. There are now more than 500, in part because of the demand.

THERESA LEMUS: There’s no way a family treatment court in any county or jurisdiction could serve all the families who come to the attention of child welfare because of a substance abuse issue.

ANGUIANO: Family recovery courts are often confused with drug courts, whose main focus is on keeping drug offenders out of jail. Family recovery courts aim to keep children safe and secure.

LEMUS: We count success in terms of the child and is that child able to remain home or go back home? Is that family going to avoid the child welfare system in the future? Those are successes.

ANGUIANO: Aaron O’Neil’s case is considered a success. He has custody of all his kids and tells everyone he can about his positive experience with this court structure.

O’NEIL: The personalization of it makes the difference. You know what I mean? Taking who the person is, you know, and working on what part of their life drags them down the most and getting that weight off of them – you know, that personalization like that makes a world of difference.

ANGUIANO: O’Neil says family recovery court helped him keep custody of his kids and stay sober and drug-free. He says it also gave him something he was lacking – a strong sense of identity.

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I Shouldn’t Have Been Ashamed Of My Brother Eliminate The Stigma Around Opioid Addiction

From USA Today:

At first, I put the blame for my brother’s addiction squarely on his shoulders. But I’ve learned that stigma is a burden too heavy to carry.

The nation’s opioid epidemic was the furthest thing from my mind on the sweltering Washington afternoon in late July that turned out to be the last time I saw my brother pitch a baseball. A small crowd of parents erupted in a roar as Jonathan, then 17, dropped a devastating curveball for the final out of an all-star game. As a brother, beaming with pride, I admired the self-control and poise Jonathan showed as he confidently strode off the mound.

Ours was a relationship forged in the pressure cooker that is life as a military kid. Enduring five moves in six years strengthened the already robust relationship commonly shared between most brothers. As our father rose to be the second-highest ranking military officer in the nation, we formed a strong mutual understanding of high morals and values. 

What I failed to understand as we grew up together was the crippling anxiety and depression afflicting Jonathan. These underlying issues were partly mitigated for most of his life by our tight relationship.

My brother was fighting for his life

But after I moved on to college, Jonathan lost his decompression partner and began to look toward other means to deal with his anxiety. He started first with alcohol, then marijuana and, finally, stronger drugs.

I didn’t want heavy painkillers after surgery, but my hospital pushed opioids on me anyway

Later, sitting across the table from my brother at a rehabilitation facility, I failed to find the same feelings of pride and admiration I held only months before at the baseball field. To me, being a drug addict was the result of a fundamental moral failing, and the purpose of rehab was to fix this moral failing. Indeed, I was ashamed, and when friends asked about him I would fake a smile, explain he was taking a gap year before college, and change the subject.

While Jonathan was in a fight for his life, I had a conversation with my mother that will haunt me for the rest of mine. I vividly recall telling her I was ashamed of my brother for putting our family through this ordeal. I stopped just short of revealing the anger I felt toward my brother for breaking our moral code and betraying our family’s trust. At this moment, I had placed the blame squarely on my brother’s shoulders.

Meanwhile, over the course of 15 months, spanning two different rehab facilities, Jonathan had made an astounding turnaround. He got a job, became a nationally qualified emergency medical technician, and made plans to attend college. Jonathan had regained his ambition to serve and had helped save the life of a man who overdosed on a McDonald’s bathroom floor. 

Yet, just when everything seemed to be going his way, Jonathan relapsed. On Sept. 7, 2017, he died from an accidental heroin overdose in his dorm room, one week after he started college. He was 19 years old.

No one grows up wanting to become an addict

I came to learn that Jonathan was another victim of perhaps the most stigmatized disease in our nation’s history. Traditionally, we think of a disease as something that is either communicated to the body via infection or that grows inside the body as a cancer. 

Addiction, on the other hand, is something that changes the brain because of the intentional introduction of a substance, be it alcohol, nicotine or the morphine molecule. Moreover, given the large number of people who become addicted to opioids prescribed by a doctor or dentist, it is hard to argue that becoming dependent is a choice.

Nobody grows up wanting to become an addict, including my brother. A substance-dependent person should be viewed as someone who has a treatable but chronic disease, much like a cancer or diabetes patient, rather than a weak-willed individual with a moral failing. Firmly eliminating this stigma will lead to more public support for — and thus more pressure on the political class to provide — the vast resources, effort and policies required to defeat this epidemic.

In the final sentence of his freshman essay, Jonathan recalled when he helped save the man on the McDonald’s bathroom floor. “I now live my life with a newfound purpose: wanting to help those who cannot help themselves,” he wrote.

It’s time for our great nation to help those who are stricken with substance dependence and who cannot help themselves — starting with eliminating the stigma that envelops this deadly disease.

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A Neuroscientist’s Journey From Addiction To Recovery

From wgbh:

In 2017, more Americans died of drug overdoses than died from car crashes or gun violence, according to data collected by the National Safety Council. Judith Grisel, a recovering addict and neuroscientist, explores some of the reasons behind America’s drug crisis in her book, “Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction.” With the help of her own personal story, Grisel explains the powerful impact of drugs on the brain and considers why addiction has such complicated effects on our neurological systems.

Grisel was only 13 years old when she found herself “guzzling half a gallon of wine” in a friend’s basement. She felt euphoric, but little did she know that her early experience with alcohol would lead to a decade-long battle with addiction.

In the years to come, Grisel chose from a smorgasbord of drugs to achieve the mental escape she was looking for. From marijuana, to opiates, to psychedelics, Grisel found it hard to say no to any drug that offered her otherworldly experiences. But it was never enough.

Grisel’s addiction caused her to drop out of school and ultimately deepened the divide between her and her family. It was not until her 23rd birthday, during a compassionate moment with her father after years of being out of touch with him, that she broke down and vowed to get clean.

“Using drugs is not at all new. People have been using drugs since we’ve been people, and other animals use drugs,” said Grisel, who is now a neuroscientist and professor of psychology at Bucknell University. “It’s a universal tendency to want to change the way we see, feel and perceive the world.” Ever since humans learned how to cultivate, they have grown and consumed mind-altering substances, according to Grisel.

So what has made addiction such a pressing crisis today? Grisel thinks there are two reasons. In the past, drugs were consumed in communal settings, and they could be controlled to a certain extent; now, she said, they are often taken in isolation, removing the community from the equation. Second, with time, we have improved our methods of extraction and production. Not only has the availability of drugs increased, but their potency has skyrocketed.

Our brains are elastic, Grisel notes, and when drugs are consumed on a daily basis, our brains are able to build up tolerance against their effects. She said that in order to achieve the same level of intoxication, drugs with higher potency are entering the market, which contributes to a toxic, endless loop, in which our brains adapt and ever more potent drugs flood the market.

To add to this, Grisel says that some of us are wiredto be more susceptible to drug addiction, including herself. She raises a red flag on the increasing legalization of marijuana. While she does not oppose legalization, she warns that not enough research is available about the drug’s addictive properties and, therefore, we should proceed with more caution.

“Let’s put money into education,” suggests Grisel. ”Let’s understand the risks we are taking and share those risks widely, so people aren’t confused about what they’re doing.”

What we have been doing, she says, when it comes to trying to keep drugs out of the country, does not work. She argues the issue is demand, not supply.

“If you look at the data and our efforts over the last 50 years to regulate and control drug access, it has been [an] unbelievable failure,” Grisel said.

With opioid addiction reaching a crisis point in America over the past few years, Grisel is convinced that more science and wider dissemination of that science lie at the heart of tackling the issue.

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Surviving Secondhand Drama

I want the time spent with my extended family to be filled with love, good food, and memories. Instead, drama hangs in the air like secondhand smoke. An afternoon my Mom’s is often filled with repressed anger, tension, and jealousy. Does this happen to anyone else? Please tell me I’m not alone. Here’s how I plan to abstain and recover from the unhealthy environment.

What is Secondhand Drama?

Technically, my family’s problems have nothing to do with me, yet I get involved. Addiction is a family disease, and it shapes the roles of each family member. My role is peacemaker. Here’s how it played out in the past:

My Dad gets angry at my brother Ricky.
Then my Mom gets mad at my Dad for being too hard on Ricky.
I comfort my Dad because I think my Mom and Ricky are both wrong.
Then Ricky gets mad at my Mom for something else. The cycle continues.

Sound familiar? For years, I was addicted to this cycle of family drama. Not because it’s fun, but because I needed the drama to feel normal and safe. While I hated the controversy, I loved being the peacemaker. I circled from one wounded party to the next, consoling and agreeing with each grievance. Yet, I left each gathering feeling slimy and unappreciated, two sure signs of exposure to secondhand drama.

After my son was born, I didn’t have time to care for a small child and my dysfunctional family. I wanted to quit being the peacemaker, but I wasn’t strong enough to quit attending dysfunctional family gatherings. For the next 10 years, I kept going to family functions, but the anxiety from potential drama made me physically sick. I stuffed my feelings and stayed longer than I wanted. These are also signs of exposure to secondhand drama.

Breaking Free From Secondhand Drama

Three years ago, I finally reached my breaking point. I moved out of state and haven’t been back until now. During this time, I went to weekly Al-Anon meetings and completed a 12-step study.

Next week, I’m going back home for a visit. It will be a family gathering filled with drama. Ricky’s ex-wives, addiction, co-dependency, and ghosts from arguments past will all be there. Am I strong enough to face the drama without indulging?

I Must Examine My Motives

Why did I play along? I needed love. Everything I did was to try to get them to love me or to prove I was worthy of love. Yet, nothing I did was ever enough to get the love I needed. At first, I blamed them. How dare they not love me? The truth is:

They are too sick to love anyone else.
I was looking for self-love from others, which is never possible. Self-love can only come from me.

My Plan For Disaster

Since not feeling loved is weakness, I must be filled with love before I go. A love-starved Grace puts me at risk for gorging on the secondhand drama. Here’s what I am doing to prepare:

This week before I go, I’m reading up on self-love.
Once I get there, I will be taking lots of breaks alone in my room.
I know when and where I can find an Al-Anon meeting.
I’ll spend extra time taking care of me.
I’ll take many outdoor walks. Walking outside is a great way to air out family tension.
I will keep my motives in mind and ask myself, “What’s best for me?”
I will also remind myself that my brother and my mom are smart people. The dramas they face are theirs, not mine. They can and should figure out their own problems.
Meanwhile, I will keep my mouth shut.
Instead of stuffing my feelings, I will acknowledge them, but I won’t let them control me.
If necessary, I will cut the trip short.
And, of course, I’ll have my sponsor’s number on speed dial.

What’s your plan for secondhand family drama? Are you going to be the one fanning the flames or trying to put them out?

Maybe it’s time to seek professional help with your family drama. Check out Recovery Guidance. It’s a free and safe resource that lists licensed therapists and family support meetings.

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How The Past Comes Back To Haunt Us

Does what happened in the past stay in the past? Absolutely not. One of the most significant triggers for childhood relationship trauma are adult relationships.

If our partner, for example, gets angry or neglectful, similar experiences from childhood that we are not consciously aware of may become restimulated. We may become hurt or despondent beyond what the current situation merits because unresolved hurt from the past is getting mixed up with hurt in the present and making it feel more unbearable or intense than it might otherwise feel.

The Brain Wants Someone To Blame

But because the thinking brain always wants an explanation, we all too often look for the one nearest at hand:

“My husband or wife is really awful.”
“If only my kid were better behaved I wouldn’t be so upset.”
“If my partner would only change…”

We blame what we can see. The person right in front of us gets a mix of past and present reactions. We may remain totally out of touch how deeply our own past may be altering the intensity of our emotional reactions.

We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

Yesterday’s pain, anger, and confusion is projected onto today’s relationships without knowing why.  Over time this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We actually recreate the fear and pain that we experienced as children in our adult interactions. To complicate matters further, we may see the solution to our problems as continually changing the situation we’re in. Instead, we need to examine what, inside of us, might be contributing to recreating painful relationship dynamics.

Revisiting The Past’s If Onlys

“If only I had a better house, spouse, or boss I wouldn’t feel so helpless, angry and alone. I better change them so I can feel less lonely and stressed.”

More often than not, the real change that needs to happen is within us. We need to change our own history by revisiting it.  We can do this by:

Hearing someone talking about a scene we identify with (Support groups)
Watching a psychodrama that feels all too familiar
Doing a role-play ourselves that allows us to revisit a moment from our past so that we can change how we experience it.

Three Benefits Of Confronting The Past

First, when we do some intentional healing process such as this, we are able to see the same situation with new, informed, and adult eyes. We understand that we were not the cause of the problem after all.

We also see that our shame and guilt over having been a bad and blamed child was perhaps misplaced. It was simply an immature child’s attempt at making sense of a scary situation by taking on too much blame.

Finally, we may see that our parents were fallible people after all, not bad but perhaps stressed, immature and without resources themselves. They were in over their heads. Sometimes getting over childhood hurts takes professional help. Visit Recovery Guidance to find counselors and addiction treatment resources near you.

This essay was originally published by Dr. Dayton on her website, www.tiandayton.com.

The post How The Past Comes Back To Haunt Us appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

7 Types Of Mental Illness

Seven types of mental illness contribute to the rising suicide rates that are so much in the news these days. For millions of people who use substances, to feel better, mental illness is also the underlying cause drug use, both legal and illegal. Why are some people happy and well adjusted, and others have multiple difficulties coping?  When considering substance use and misuse, it’s important to know the underlying psychiatric diagnoses that need treatment and can lead to suicidal thoughts and actions. We’ve unpacked the psychiatric suitcase to give you an overview of the types of mental illnesses.

In examining the DSM -5, the Fifth Edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is the professional guidebook for clinicians, there are a number of diagnoses that cover a range of illnesses. One must meet certain criteria to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Also, each category of illness usually has at least 3-5 varying types of that specific mental illness and often times, a person may have more than one mental illness or also have a substance-use disorder such as alcoholism. Here we examine some of the more common mental illnesses.

Seven Most Common Types of Mental Illness
1. Depressive Disorders

There are a number of depressive disorders and the most common symptoms include “the presence of sad, empty, or irritable mood, accompanied by somatic [physical health] and cognitive [thought] changes that significantly affect the individual’s capacity to function.” Depression is common and is estimated to affect 1 in 4 people.

2. Bipolar and Related Disorders

Common symptoms for the varying types of bipolar disorders include depression and mania (elevated mood, expansiveness, possible irritability, grandiosity, and high energy) or a hypomanic episode (symptoms similar to mania, but on a lesser scale).

3. Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders such as phobias, social anxiety disorders, panic disorders, and generalized anxiety disorders are also fairly common. These disorders “share features of excessive fear and anxiety and related behavioral disturbances.” Also, the “anxiety disorders differ from developmentally normative fear or anxiety by being excessive” and ongoing.

4. Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Related Disorders

With other disorders such as hoarding and hair and skin-picking disorders, OCD is “characterized by the presence of obsessions [intrusive thoughts/urges] and compulsions [repetitive behaviors].” For example, you cannot let go of thoughts which are intrusive and/or you use behaviors such as compulsive hand washing – perhaps as much as 50 times a day – or you have to count each step you take no matter how long the walk.

5. Trauma and Stress-related Disorders

Like the other categories, there are a number of trauma-related disorders with the most common being adjustment disorder and post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD). These are disorders “in which exposure to a traumatic or stressful event” are seen as the cause. While there are commonalities to anxiety disorders, these disorders include the exposure to difficult events. For an adjustment disorder, these are more common stressors such as a divorce or losing a job, with the emotional and behavioral symptoms being short-lived. However with PTSD, the stressful event is one that doesn’t commonly exist for everyone such as trauma from being in a war zone or being raped or being in a school where there was a shooting. With PTSD, the symptoms may be debilitating such as having flashbacks to the events, numbing out feelings or increased startle response (such as if someone touches you, your reaction may be to hit them), and not being able to cope effectively with everyday life.

6. Schizophrenia and Other Psychotic Disorders

This spectrum of disorders include abnormalities such as: hallucinations (seeing and/or hearing things others don’t see or hear), delusions (thinking you are Jesus Christ or other past well-know figures, that you have special powers such as thinking you can fly, or believing that others are out to harm you [paranoia] and disorganized thinking/speech (non-sensical speech or jumbled thoughts). Others include unusual presentation (inappropriate laughter, odd physical movements or not moving at all), and negative symptoms such as difficulty in feeling emotions, poor eye contact, and struggles in feeling pleasure.

7. Personality Disorders

There are 10 personality disorders and the common symptoms include:

“An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior” that are significantly different from the person’s family and culture, is ongoing, inflexible and rigid, and leads to significant problems in functioning.”

Symptoms of personality disorders include:

Paranoia
Lack of attachment to others
Odd perceptions
Lack of morality
Impulsiveness
Perfectionism and control
Lack of empathy

The three most common personality disorders include:

Antisocial Personality Disorder (lack of morality, violation of others’ rights and values)
Borderline Personality Disorder (struggles with relationships, impulsivity, poor sense of self, self-harm behaviors)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (being grandiose about self and abilities, lack of empathy for others, and the need for others to adore you).

While there are more categories of disorders and significantly more mental illness diagnoses, these are the most common. To learn more, contact:

NAMI at www.nami.org
SAMHSA at www.samhsa.gov
Mental Health.Gov at www.mentalhealth.gov
Recovery Guidance for help options and professionals near you

Did you know the 12-steps can also help improve your mental health? Here’s a fun way get back to your true self with our new coloring book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

The post 7 Types Of Mental Illness appeared first on Reach Out Recovery.

Facing The 7 Deadly Relationship Needs

How do you feel during your interactions and relationships? And how do you get your needs met? The seven deadly needs listed below can get you in the same kind of trouble as the 7 deadly sins.

In this case the need to take action can lead you into dangerous territory. Digging for information that’s not your business, having over the top reactions, allowing ego infestations to affect your life, setting your self up as judge and jury are a few of the 7 deadly needs. Let me share mine. Do they resonate?

1. The Need to Know

I love trivia because it makes me feel smart to know lots of useless facts. With technology I am able to access unlimited amounts of information anytime anywhere. Would my life be less fulfilling if I didn’t know how deep the Atlantic Ocean was? Wouldn’t my serenity be better served if I would simply relax and not have to know all the details of everyone else’s life on Facebook, Twitter, and Snap Chat? What if I let it go and moved through my life seeking silence and calm instead of facts and gossip? In family situations I often want to know every detail to make a fair judgement. What if I suspended my need to judge and therefore didn’t need to know all the dark details of the latest family drama? These days I try not to need to know the details and am able to stay out of the other people’s drama.

2. The Need To Be Right

This deadly need has caused many a battle in my life and possibly yours. I want to prove to you how wrong you are and how right I am. Once again my ego was fed when I could corner someone and get him or her to admit I was right and they were wrong. What does that do to the relationship? Facing my need to be right causes me to examine how unkind I really am being. What if I am wrong or what if we are both right? What if it is OK for the other person to continue with their day believing they are right? Being right may make me feel important, but it doesn’t make the people in my life want to be around me.

3. The Need To Get Even

This is a sad need. It causes so much harm. It leaves me feeling  smug and self-righteous. None of those feelings are positive or healthy. No matter what was done to me, it is in my best interest to not seek revenge. This need can take me down to a dark place and it is better for me to “Let Go and Let God.”

4. The Need To Look Good

How many times have I felt less than because I wasn’t wearing the right clothes at a party or driving the right car? I wanted others to think I was all-together. This need was born in my insecurity of not being enough just as I am. I have learned in recovery that my value is the same no matter what I am wearing or driving. My Higher Power determines my value and that is always the same no matter how I appear.

5. The Need To Judge

I judged some people as being better than me, and some as worse than me. I lived my life on a ladder always trying to find someone less than me to make me feel better about myself. How freeing it is to learn I don’t have to judge anyone. I can simply accept people as they are and that we are all equal. It certainly saves time and energy. It also builds relationships when I can decide if I want someone in my life or not without judging, but by simply asking if I want to spend time with them. Not living  life on a ladder is a good life.

6. The Need To Keep Score

This is what I did when I was little. Unfortunately it carried over to my adult years. I like things to be fair. The way I make sure of that is to keep score and add it up. My life is so much easier when I accept that life is happening exactly as it should. I don’t have to find the fairness my life, only the acceptance.

7. The Need to Control

This need is one that makes many of us crazy. I felt if I controlled everything I would be safe. How untrue and maddening this need has been in my life. When I trust my Higher Power with the details of my life I am better able to enjoy the moment and not drive everyone around me crazy by trying to “help them.”

While I still struggle with these deadly needs I am happier now. They are my flawed human attempts to meet my insecurities and fears. Living humbly and without fear of what others think can only help to bring peace to my life.  I and my Higher Power continue to search for new ways to get my needs met in healthy ways.

Did you know the 12-steps can also help you heal from relationship problems? Here’s a fun way get back to your true self with our new coloring book, Find Your True Colors In 12-Steps.

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