Rolland Sarver's Blog: Celebrate your Value

The dopamine conspiracy!

Dopamine is a predictable behavior driver.

You will understand a lot if you know about this marvelous chemical. With a little observation, you too will become aware of what I call The Dopamine Conspiracy.

You don't realize it, but Dopamine has infiltrated many areas of your life. Without your awareness or signature this chemical is controlling much of what you do. From our bank accounts to our plans and actions, we just hand over the reins and go along for the ride!

What is Dopamine doing in this blog? Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter, sometimes called a chemical messenger. Let's bring some serious awareness to this topic. Let's explore how addictions of any kind prevent us from helping people see their extraordinary value.

Let me mention here a book written by Dr. William Glasser.

Glasser, William Dr. Positive Addiction. USA: Harper Collins, 1985.

The writer explores real addictions that have genuine positive effects. Dr. Glasser looks at two particular case studies. Running and meditation. The author goes into great length about how addictive traits can have a positive connotation. He chose these two subjects because these activities are commonly known to be addictive. Typically, addiction generates a negative image. This book brings a positive light to a negative subject.

Addictions steal the show!

Addictions have a way of directing our priorities. Become aware of the messages you are sending. "My addictions have priority right now over you." This could be the message we are sending, which doesn't speak well to people's intrinsic value. Speaking a message to someone's value is like speaking a different language. It's easy to learn though, you can start by practicing on yourself! Go ahead, you have my permission to say some positive things about yourself. When you become more aware of your value, you gain a more empathic world view. You can better understand how your actions impact others and what messages these actions send.

Power is an addictive way to get a sizable dopamine shot. Making ourselves feel big and others small, always gives us a quick hit. Clearly smoking this Dopamine (Dope-of-mine) is harmful to others, yet I still find myself trying to make others look small in subtle ways. Take the time to become self-aware in this arena. Old habits die hard.

A common social mantra might be: we get our pleasure from your pain. This can't help anyone, only hurt them. Power struggles and meanness happen at the expense of the other person. We get a Dopamine high from such behavior. Although without this drama where would we get ideas for books and movies? The evening news would only air for about ten minutes, including the commercials! The Value Message coming from putting people down to lift ourselves up is naughty, not nice.

Addictions come in many flavors!

The truth is, we can be addicted to a lot of substances. Items most of us don't associate with addictions. Anger. Drama. Attention. Stress. Pain. Power. Sympathy. Shopping. What can you add to the list?
Is it the substance or is it the results? Think, Dopamine! Ok, if I'm hooked on something, alcohol for example, I love what it does for me. Sure, I don't like the hangover, but I like everything else. The numbing of my problems. The attention. The camaraderie. The excuses. I'm not addicted to the actual alcohol. I'm addicted to the effect and how it serves me.

Is it not the same with other addictions? My high doesn't come from the substance so much. It's not the power or drama or anger or being mean. No, it's the shot of Dopamine I can't get enough of. Crack is the high of choice for some, but oh so destructive. Yet for others peer approval, stress, anger or something else is the high of choice. Perhaps not so devastating, but an addiction, nonetheless. Again, no judgment here, just observation.

How about your favorite movie or video game? Not too many movies have an unhappy ending. You can endure the good guy getting beat up because you know in the end your Dopamine fix is coming. He's gonna come up swinging, he'll be just fine!

About fifteen years ago, I read The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo. Thinking how sophisticated I was for getting into the classics.

Hugo, Victor. The Hunchback of Notre Dame. New York: G. Munro, 1879.

Spoiler alert! Dopamine is not at the end of this book, not much in the beginning either. Just when you fall in love with Esmeralda, too! I have never forgotten when and where I read this book. I didn't want to get out of bed for a week! No, I am not kidding. This is how difficult it is to face life without my Dopamine at the end of the story. The Hunchback of Notre Dame should be banned or at least carry some warning label. Warning: Dopamine Deprivation Ahead! Incidentally, Quasimodo, the Hunchback, (one of the main characters) was rescued from infanticide.

Tragically not an uncommon practice in those days. I was more historically naive back then, but all I'm asking for is a little more Dopamine in my reading material.
Society is not well versed on how to deal with difficulties and situations which offer little or no Dopamine. What is your method of coping when the going gets tough? What happens when the picture in your mind is different from the reality in front of you? Where do you learn the skill set of coping? Where is the class in school teaching this? Problem Solving 101. Wouldn’t the world change if this class showed up on the curriculum next year? Sure, in the movies it all works out, but that’s just following the script. Our favorite actors always show up with creativity, solutions and a plan. How do you learn to think like this? How do you exercise your brain so problem solving skills are cultivated? Being afraid of success and an avoider hasn’t served me well in this area. I had to try something entirely different!

Ernest Shackleton and dopamine.

At the recommendation of a friend, I read a well-known survival story about an expedition to the South Pole in 1914. The captain and crew became trapped in the ice, seeking to explore and cross the pole.

Lansing, Alfred. Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage. USA: Basic Books, 2014.

This book made an impact! I proposed to reduce my many instances of complaining and belly aching. Furthermore, my meager happenings of gratitude needed to rise quite sharply. Any crown of perseverance I have ever mustered up, I lay down at the feet of the captain and mighty crew of that ship.

NEWS FLASH! Seriously! today 3/10/22 my brother sent me a text about Shackleton’s ship: Endurance. I'm not lying. He just heard on the news about Ernest Shackleton's ship being found at the bottom of the Weddell Sea, near the Antarctic Peninsula, in relatively good condition. I was ecstatic. Big, big news for me, this is one of my all-time favorite stories.

I also just discovered shackleton.com. This site has a plethora of Shackleton history and information about the crew members. The website also sells a line of clothing for your expedition. Shackleton is the name of the clothing line, how original! Durable and rugged, but the clothes don’t make the man or woman, don’t forget this when your boat sinks!
Here are some highlights from this trip lasting over one and half years. The ship, which did have a lot of food stores, became stuck in the ice. Also, they brought along a new kind of vitamin briquette which kept their teeth from falling out and aided their health.

-Twenty-nine men on board. Spent over one year stuck in the ice before the ship was crushed and broken up.
-Sailed three lifeboats over 600 miles to a desolate uninhabited island. Elephant Island. Seven-day trip! I can just hear the guys in the back saying, “Are we there yet”. Still to this day the island is not a tourist destination! Population: 0
-All but six men lived under the two lifeboats on said island for over four months while the other guys sailed on rough seas 800 miles to get help at South Georgia Island where there was a whaling village.

After landing on the wrong side of South Georgia Island, Shackleton and two others hiked over treacherous terrain 32 miles to the whaling village.
Fun fact, the men became consumed with thinking about food. Every night they would talk about one recipe. Talk about if they had eaten it, the different ways to do so and all the details; just like Bubba did in the Forrest Gump movie! Talked about all the ways you could eat shrimp. Do you remember the scene? The beginnings of The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Penguins doubtfully, was ever the food topic.
The only navigation system was a sextant. Which basically tells you where you are on the planet based on the stars and the day of the year. Sailors use a similar device these days, called a cell phone!

After the good food ran out, the only source of meat was penguins. Good thing they weren’t at the North Pole (no penguins there). Penguin fat was fuel for the stove.
When the ice got warm enough to be slushy, they could take a bath.

Also, I found two spiritual lines from this book to be quite remarkable. The first statement was this. The men credited their salvation to their Captain. Fondly telling of his care for them, his leadership and empathy for each one. The captain helped everyone care for each other. Kept them occupied with duties and entertainment, never losing hope despite such dire circumstances.

The second noteworthy statement was a compliment. After so many months at sea and over four months on Elephant Island their captain showed up with help. A rescue ship, able men, food, blankets and maybe some soap! Shackleton said he received the greatest compliment ever bestowed to him. His men said, “Captain, we knew you’d come for us”!

These men placed their trust and faith in their captain. They loved him and knew the feeling was mutual; not because he said so, but because he did so! Put yourself in the shoes or boots of those men on Elephant Island, waking up every morning subjected to seriously harsh elements, barely surviving frostbite. Can we grasp the mindset here? Not thinking, every single day truly sucks. Instead thinking This could be the day, this could be the day the Captain of our Salvation sets his foot down on this forsaken island!

Endurance.

Let me learn the lesson of endurance! When little Dopamine is to be found, we must change our mindset. Can you also put your feet into those boots and feel what must have been felt when the rescue ship came into view? A Dopamine shot of all Dopamine shots. The Value Message spoken and heard from their captain during and after this ordeal looked something like this: You are of incredible worth. You are worth any pain. You are worth any hardship. You are worth any sacrifice and any price. Your value is without question. I would give my life for you!

Learn the skill set of coping and problem solving when the environment is harsh. Learn the happiness which comes from long-term perseverance and struggle. Not the short-term shot of Dopamine.

For more information, do a web search on Dopamine Detox. This is an exercise in awareness and stamina. Just observing how Dopamine affects people is educational. Detoxing from Dopamine stimulants for a whole day will take a lot of umph. Honestly, I tried this for half a day once. What a terrible experiment, but it opened my eyes to the effect of Dopamine on my behaviors and decisions.

Suicide, Self-harm, Self-care

A dark and stormy night.

It's a long way home.

When people see their own value and self-worth, the game will change! Countless tragic stories from the files of humanity could be told. Some of which are about well-known or famous people. Fame and fortune are not always your friends. Many famous people, more so the young and famous, find tremendous success and then the tables turn? Maturity and wisdom are needed for such circumstances.

Anyhoo, the story follows this common thread… said person starts a downward spiral of abuse. Either being abused or self-abused in one way or another. Anyone of us would falter under such pressure and duress, so certainly no judgment here. At some point there usually is a turnaround, things get better and sometimes the story has a happy ending. The common ground here is when this person starts to see their value and self-worth and can love themselves, things begin to change. Anne Hathaway is a prime example of such a life change. It’s remarkable how much of a shift comes about when we are nicer to ourselves.

Don’t just survive, thrive!

It was a dark and stormy night. So many stories start with this captivating theme. So many possibilities can come after this. So many tragedies take place on dark and stormy nights. Even if that night is only a struggle in the mind.

Self-harm such as suicide is not a subject to take lightly, but let's bring this to the table for some discussion. Self-harm statistics are alarmingly on the rise, anyone reading this blog likely knows someone related or close to you who has taken their life. Annual suicide rates are 2.5 times the annual homicide rate. News just came to us a few days ago of another tragedy. Someone we used to work with ended their life. Rarely does this happen and we aren’t surprised. Let’s just assume everyone you meet needs a reason to face another day. Everyone can benefit from getting a positive message about their value. Thanks in advance for your compassion and kindness to someone who needed it the most. You will never know who that person is.

Statistics can’t show saved lives or thwarted attempts. Your message could open the door of hope for someone who supposed it to be tightly closed.

Serve yourself some positive vibes!

Does anyone need to hear a positive message about value instead of performance? The competitive pressure to perform among young athletes has been in the headlines lately. Rightfully so, parents and coaches share a deep concern about the many sources of stress students face. Pressure to perform, humiliation that comes with failure. Being unprepared for life's challenges. Pressure comes from your opponents but also from your peers. Often, it’s easier to face the team you lost to, than your teammates in the locker room after the game.

Furthermore, student debt, stress about the uncertain future and adults asking so many probing questions can be daunting. Questions for which kids don’t yet have answers. Everyone else seems to have their "ducks lined up". Why am I the only one on the planet feeling so down and out? You know these exact or similar thoughts come to young people as they have to you. Kids have so much going for them, so much talent and so much incredible value. So strange, everyone can see this except them. If this person or young person is you, it would be a good time to trust people if they are trying to help you see your Value Box. These same people are trying to help you not take the Ego Box too seriously. See: Clarifying your value (blog post)

Bullying is a huge subject, too large for this book. The power tripping of bullying has cost many a life. This disgraceful behavior comes so naturally, it’s a cultural hallmark. Seems like everyone is doing it now-a-days. At work or school, don’t let a bully determine how you perceive your value! The seriousness of bullying is one reason this book is written. The insidious abusive act of bullying can annihilate the understanding of your value like nothing else. In one fell swoop you can doubt your worth, hate yourself and wish to die, seeing no escape from such searing pain. Bullying is a champion of carnage, it’s a poisonous superpower on steroids.

Thanks for your service!

William Shuttleworth graced our little town a few years ago. Such a pleasure to meet this guy. Some of the local Vets arranged a dinner with him at the Masonic Lodge. Mr. Shuttleworth was a 71-year-old Veteran walking across America. He was a grand presence with a great mission. Bringing attention to Veterans' needs and some areas of neglect. Elevated suicide rates among this populous are concerning. His journey lasted 110 days, took 5 pairs of shoes and spanned 3,300 miles. Thanks for your service, Mr. Shuttleworth.
Over the years, I have entertained thoughts of taking my life. This train of thought has sort of evolved. Evolved is the best way I can describe this strange journey. I wonder how many can relate. Have you struggled in this area? More importantly, what is the most effective way to help anyone on such a dark and stormy night?

Don't go it alone!

In my struggles as a teenager, the thought of taking my life came from loneliness. When I was in this state of mind or stressed it was like one of six options to cope with a situation. The suicide option was just always one of many available. There was a time when I wanted to use this option for power, as a way of revenge or to gain attention. This was a time in my life when coping skills were minimal or non-existent. The fear of rejection and extreme loneliness were heavy struggles for me, and I didn’t know who or how to ask for help. At the peak of this trauma, mostly self-inflicted, I was hospitalized. This was a disappointing venture from which I found little professionalism and even less tangible help. I am grateful however, for the concern of friends and family and the time to rest my mind.

The man I worked for at a print shop was empathetic and talked to me about my struggles. He was curious about my feelings, he never at all felt like taking his life for any reason. He never thought of it as an option ever. At the time I remember being shocked by this statement. Would that ever be possible for me? Sometimes my internal pain felt to me like my hand was on fire. What would you do? Extinguish it of course, this would be the only way to stop the agony.
In the hospital, I was asked a lot of questions but not one of them was about relationships. Relationships are a huge influence factor in our life and state of mental health, in case anyone didn’t notice. Thanks to my control freak mentality, dreaded fear of loneliness and stress of the future, my relationships weren’t going as planned. I was not equipped to maturely handle this challenge and it showed!

A door of hope!

A few years later I came across the mindset and writings of Dr. William Glasser at wglasser.com. His work was monumental to my personal development, and I connected with his message. Control Theory was the first of many Glasser books I read. I found answers and tools to help build relationships. His offering spelled out supportive details as to why relationships work or don’t work. According to Dr. Glasser, we are all either control freaks or recovering control freaks, this reassuring truth became a guidepost.

Alarm bells!

The subject of taking your life is simply difficult to bring up. Alarm bells and panic set in for caregivers and parents, we feel so unequipped for this conversation. Like other situations as a responsible adult, we are at a loss of the next right thing to do. I don’t pretend to have the answer, I just don’t. However, I’m more and more convinced that speaking a Value Message and being mindful of this Value Box illustration is a firm step toward proactive prevention. For "two box" illustration see this blog link: Two Boxes

What does proactive suicide prevention look like? You wouldn’t believe how many people are scrambling for the answer to this question. I didn’t believe it myself. My intention for discussing this topic was only a few paragraphs. After assessing so much feedback and concern from early book reviewers, I realized there might be an elephant on the table and a deeper purpose for the birth of The Value Message.

If we struggle with suicidal thoughts, most of the time we aren't the ones who are alarmed. It's just a curiosity kind of dialogue in our heads. Taking our life is a long-term solution to a short-term problem, yet it's so easy to get fixated on the short-term problem. If we aren't accustomed to using problem solving skills, our struggles will be magnified and appear larger than actual reality.

Hey You!

I would tell my younger self to, “Be patient, you have immense potential and value”. I did have a lot of friends and family who conveyed that message for which I'm grateful. Instilling a sense of value in people is being proactive. This message could be spoken formally, like a presentation or motivational speech at school or your place of business. Or talking individually to at-risk students or acquaintances. Remember a Value Message can be spoken with or without words, be on the lookout for every opportunity.

Would a discussion about understanding my own value and potential have changed my outlook? Would I have been able to even receive such a message or concept? How do you feel about that question if you can relate? Hindsight is always so clear and when the stress is over, we fantasize about how much better it would have been if only. One thing I know for sure is you are absolutely worth the effort of such a discussion.

Be the friend you needed when you were young

Rachel needs a friend.

In Elementary School I was not told but shown a lesson about compassion. I’ve never forgotten this event, but it was a long time before the light came on.

Sheridan Elementary School, Bloomington, Illinois, early 1980’s. There was a new girl in school, her name was Rachel. Her family had less than we did, she never had new clothes and often they were not clean. She had no friends and ashamedly kids made fun of her. Despite all this, she was a happy kid. While relieved that kids made fun of her instead of me, I didn’t enter into this teasing. Not because I was such a good little boy, certainly I was not. I was afraid dad would find out and I'd be toast.
Dad didn’t tolerate us making fun of people for something they couldn’t help. Not tolerate, is putting it lightly. He had Polio as a child and this left him with a deformed leg, perhaps he was the brunt of teasing or bullying, I’m not sure. The thing I was sure of is that serious wrath would be unleashed, had he discovered I was making fun of this little girl. Dad’s unyielding view on this subject has been a gift for me that keeps on giving. Thanks Dad!

That same year our school got a new principal, Dr. Garrett. What? A Doctor? This was confusing for us fifth graders. After all, the school nurse seemed to be doing a great job. What were those school people thinking? We all met Dr. Garrett, who seemed normal enough, he didn’t even wear a white coat. He liked us and we all liked him but having a doctor in school seemed over the top.
One day in the cafeteria Rachel collapsed on the floor, out like a light! Whoa, us kids had no idea what to do. We couldn't help her because we were afraid to touch her. Here's a metaphor to write home about: You will never help people who you are afraid to touch (and connect with), never ever!
The cafeteria ladies rushed over to her, someone said “Go get Dr. Garrett”. Of course, now was for sure an appropriate time to have a doctor in the house. Apparently, the adults were thinking ahead for once!

A friend in deed.

I can still see Dr. Garrett rushing into the cafeteria. He knelt down over Rachel, scooped her up in his arms just like she was his own little girl. Read that again. We could see right away that Dr. Garrett couldn’t possibly have cared less about her clothes, her family's economical/social status or if she had any friends. Didn’t care about any of that, not at all! And how awesome that he didn’t even care in the least bit what all the gawkers and talkers were thinking (us kids)! He took her to the nurse's office, called an ambulance and off she went to see yet another doctor. I never did know what happened to Rachel, she was soon back in school, and this never happened again. Maybe she was distraught and collapsed because we didn't know how to befriend her!

Shame on us for not seeing her value and not having the courage or skill set to be her friend.
So, for the longest time I thought the cafeteria incident was the big part of this story. Guess what… it’s not. The bigger part, I promise you, is that Dr. Garrett cared about Rachel on the first day she came to school. He cared about her long before he so carefully picked her up off the floor. The cafeteria was just a place to shine a bright light on the care and compassion he felt toward her already. You will remember teachers who cared about you more than those who educated you.

Actions speak louder than words!

Dr. Garrett understood Rachel’s value before she even came to our school. The Value Message here is: I care about what I think about you, my friend. Not what others think about you. You are amazing!
I don’t recall one single word Dr. Garrett ever spoke, but I’ve never forgotten what he did.
People are on our side more than we think. The opportunity to let us know just doesn’t happen often enough. Like Dr. Garrett did with Rachel in the cafeteria. He cared about her, but nobody was aware of this until she collapsed on the floor. Try not to be overly defensive about people, you can let the wall down a bit. You might be surprised at how much people care but don’t have the incident to show it. Don't wait for a cafeteria incident to show people you care about them.

I care about you!

Many years have passed since my Elementary School days, but I often remember the lesson. It’s no secret, right now our little community has some of the best teachers on the North American continent! The staff here both educate and care about our students. Take time out of your busy day to thank champion teachers in your school district.

Why write this book?

What's your "why"? What's your inspiration?

Do you have a message that's ready to be heard. Let me share a little from my journey.

Motivational and inspirational content are captivating to me. I eat this stuff up, podcasts, books and videos. It’s my passion and interest. I’m a voracious consumer of this subject matter.

This book The Value Message came as a surprise to me. In my wildest dreams (and I’ve had some wild ones) I never thought of writing a book, ever. Reading has always been a favorite pastime, a calming outlet. Writing a book was always someone else's project and passion. I’m your average Joe, not at all how I, or you picture a writer, I promise.

People have always interested me, and our many differences intrigue me. Our similarities are equally intriguing. Just being curious about what makes us tick has prompted me to search and read a lot about what makes us tick.

Your absolute value!

This writing is about your real value and self-worth. It’s about your gift and potential. It’s about courage and resilience. It’s about mental health and mindset. It’s about hope for your present and future, freedom from your past.

A favorite story theme of mine is when the weary slave is set free. Any book or movie with this theme and I’m hooked already! Metaphorically we all have been a slave to something and know the relief of being set free.

"Fetters and chains lose their grip, falling powerless to the ground,
Setting free the weary captive once so tightly bound!"
-Anonymous

Harriet Tubman, an icon of courage and freedom, for example, inspires and stirs my emotions. I’m on the edge of my seat listening to her riveting story. The journey from fear and oppression to hope and real freedom. I cry long before the account is over. It’s my genre, it’s where I belong.

Remember your "why"!

Some months back the thought came to me about writing a book. It felt like the why was clear, but the what hadn’t shown up yet. Neither had the title or content. Whenever I had spare time, I started writing. I wrote when I couldn’t sleep at night or when injustice was served. I wrote when people's hearts were broken. I wrote when people were overjoyed. As I became more focused on a message about value and worth, content just started to show up on the page. Technology was also on my side, you can jot down a thought or note, anywhere, anytime on your phone, tablet or computer, it’s all piped into the same document. Like a puppy, it follows you wherever you go!

There must be a ton of authors on the planet because so many are ready to share their knowledge and experience in this field, for which I'm grateful. It’s a friendly community. I’m still surprised every day that I’m writing a book. It’s intimidating and invigorating at the same time.

If I can do it, you can do it, I promise.

The journey of my book project looks something like this; At first, “Could I write a book”? Then, “I could write a book”. After a while, “I must write a book”. Finally, “I am writing a book”! Why? Because someone needs to hear a message about their worth and value today and the next day, and the next day!

Clarify your real value!

Put those two boxes on the table, please!

I want to articulate the difference between your real, innate value and how culture and society see your value.

Let me take you on a guided visualization. Seriously, unless you are driving, take the time to close your eyes and visualize! Now just relax, as you close your eyes take a few seconds to breathe deep and get comfortable.

You are in a small room. Picture a small table with two boxes on top. A fireplace is warm and crackling in the corner. Focus on the two boxes. They are both strikingly different. The first one is called the "Value box". The other one is called the "Ego box".

Value vs. Ego

The "Value box'' is very plain, about the size of a shoe box. No shipping labels, no Amazon logo and no colored packing tape. Every person has this same box, this box will never change. Your neighbor, your friend or your enemy, the box is the same. Take a deep breath, close those eyes and picture this clearly in your mind, embed it deeply somewhere so as to see it often. This box can’t be touched or seen with the eye but it can be felt and known. I will refer to this box many times.

The other box is much different from the “Value box”. The second box I call the “Ego box". This box is nothing like the “Value box". The “Ego box'' has lots of labels. This box is different for every person, no two “Ego boxes” have ever been alike. The sizes will vary and change. Unlike the “Value box”, our “Ego box” will never be the same for very long. When you are five or fifteen or fifty years old, this box will look very different.

The Ego box can be damaged or destroyed and marred. It can be crushed, burned or run over, for sure it is fragile, we should be careful with this box. The Ego box is all about our external self, it’s everything about you that can be physically touched or seen. It’s our abilities and skill sets or lack thereof, it’s our appearance and maybe even our culture and choices. Your reputation is in this box. All the things you can learn and know are in this box. You can learn computer skills, plumbing, science, medical stuff, history, biology and a million other things. The worth and value of this box can change often according to the perception of ourselves or others. Kind of like the stock market, up and down but always volatile according to the “market”.

Real Value vs. Perceived Value.

Always keep these boxes separate, this will get much easier in time. The more clearly we can see these two boxes separated, the less the “Ego box” will affect our “Value box”. Okay, got that image in your head? Go ahead, I’ll wait until you do. Yes it’s important.

This may seem quite elementary, you may be thinking “dude, let’s just get some crayons out and color us a picture”! You can use your own visualization if you would like. I’m just illustrating this so you can have an “image anchor”, as you become aware of how you perceive value.

Keep those boxes separated!

The Value box is what I imagine when I ask people how they view their own value and that of other people. Often we confuse the commodity of our knowledge and skill sets (Ego box) with our actual value (Value box). These two boxes are very different. Be clear on this because it matters!

Coffee shop connections

How to foster the practice of self-care.

Let's talk coffee shops.

The aroma and message coming from your local coffee shop is quite the study. The message patrons hear in these places of greatness has self-care written all over it.

Fancy coffee is probably second only to the spa industry for prodigal spending. That people consider a massage or facial a self-indulgence is no argument. Manicures and Pedi’s too. Oh, what a feeling and no one cares too much about the price. Honestly, I’m still a little shy about the personal touch that goes with a massage or facial. I’m going to take a cue from my friend Norrell and call for an appointment soon though.

Self-care culture.

Do you remember when this coffee culture came to your town? Betcha heard a lot of people scoffing at that four-dollar cup of coffee. Betcha those same people were wishing they had bought stock in one of those big chains. Betcha if they started charging twenty dollars a cup people would find a way to afford it! Why? Because extravagant hot coffee is a wonderful message! What a great way to tell ourselves and others, “I’m totally taking care of myself and it feels awesome, no apologies”. If there’s a crowd, we get the benefit of feeling noticed, a sense of belonging, which also delivers that beloved shot of dopamine. To top this off, the probability of a bar fight breaking out is almost non-existent.

The Local Brew.

We have a unique coffee shop in our small town (don’t they all). The Local Brew. Find us on Facebook! Rushville IL. A real success. I am so surprised at the customer base. People I would never suspect show up and get their fix, happy as clams. I want to belong, so I sanction every Friday afternoon for a visit. Spiced Chai, two shots of vanilla, large, hot! The retail space for this venue is less than 150 square feet. Yet purveyors of happiness and belonging they are, and it shows! My wife buys the merch. You know, that term my kids taught me. Short for merchandise, these are the shirts, hoodies and insulated cups you can also purchase to heighten the sense of belonging! People are thirsty for much more than coffee. Thirsty for a group hug, basically. The Value Message here is: We appreciate you and you should appreciate you! “If you feel the same, leave a tip.”

Hate no body!

The Apostle Paul said, “No one yet hated their own body”. Oh, yeah?

Have you ever hated your own body? Maybe.

I have talked with people who were a mess of emotions and histories who seemed to deplore their body. Seeking to be released from it, they cut it, or sought to destroy it in some way or another. My question is: did they hate the body? Or did they not understand their value? You can be imprisoned in such anguish and emotional pain, that any next step or other option seems impossible. Bitterness and anger toward our own self can be a comfort zone. As a result, we can’t even imagine any other way to be. Our negative self-image becomes a defense mechanism. For instance, we could demean ourselves as a preemptive strike. Striking before someone else gets the chance. “Ah, ha, I got me before you got me!”

Was Paul referring to the physical body? After all, we feed and wash the body, and nurse the body when sick. So, what’s up with hating the body? Maybe it’s what’s in the body we can be so hateful toward. People who cut themselves are clearly harming the body, yet they don’t hate the arm or wrist. It’s something within they lash out at or hate or at least are frustrated with.
Maybe you have serious regrets about some choices in the past. Everyday a gray cloud covers your sky, keeping the sun from view. Is something gnawing at you? Something you feel can't be shared. A weight, literally crushing you, slowly but surely. This will lead to self-loathing and anger, directed inwardly. Don't go down with the ship! You may or may not be hurting yourself physically, but without a doubt, you are destroying yourself psychologically. I implore you, take steps toward freedom that comes from seeing your worth and value.

Share your story of truth.

Our youngest, the seven-year-old, had a secret to share. It was heavy on her heart. She had taken a shower and somehow cut her finger. We thought it was a razor, but she denied this when questioned. Claimed the sharp edge on the drain was the culprit. A few days later she fessed up to the truth, indeed it had been a razor cut. She was so relieved to feel heard by her mother. Afterwards she said to her mom, "It feels so good to tell the truth". I think we can all relate to this message and the peace that comes after we open our hearts. Bless the children and please find someone you can confide in if you have something weighing heavy on your heart and soul.

Don't wait for tomorrow. If your body and mind have been subjected to abuse, the steady message you have received sounds something like this: "You are a loser, lazy, dirty, revolting and worthless." This message is far too easy to believe. There might even be lots of evidence to support such labels. Just because you get knocked to the mat doesn’t mean you need to stay on the mat! These negative messages have become your comfort zone, in a twisted way it feels good and feels true. I promise, you weren't born to stay on the mat or even be in the ring. You can come up swinging but if you stay angry and frustrated, this will only keep you in the ring. Everywhere you show up will be a boxing ring.
Anger and frustration may serve you well at some point. Anger, for example, can be the catalyst which propels you forward, perhaps helping you draw a line in the sand. Anger and frustration will not change other people. You can waste staggering amounts of energy trying to change someone else.

Hate and anger... grrrr. Love is where it's at!

Hate and anger are both formidable opponents. Don’t be intimidated, they are powerful yet have a great weakness. All the anger and hate in the whole world can only destroy. It can never help or heal. Love on the other hand, is bristling with both power and might, one of the strongest substances known to man or woman. Only a half-ounce of love can dissolve mountains of hate and dissipate truckloads of anger. Only love has the capacity to heal and give hope. Love is alive and giving, it brings life to everything it touches. The spirit of love will never die or be extinguished. Hate brings death to everything it touches, it has only one destination which is the grave.