Rolland Sarver's Blog: Celebrate your Value - Posts Tagged "self-harm"

A dark and stormy night.

It's a long way home.

When people see their own value and self-worth, the game will change! Countless tragic stories from the files of humanity could be told. Some of which are about well-known or famous people. Fame and fortune are not always your friends. Many famous people, more so the young and famous, find tremendous success and then the tables turn? Maturity and wisdom are needed for such circumstances.

Anyhoo, the story follows this common thread… said person starts a downward spiral of abuse. Either being abused or self-abused in one way or another. Anyone of us would falter under such pressure and duress, so certainly no judgment here. At some point there usually is a turnaround, things get better and sometimes the story has a happy ending. The common ground here is when this person starts to see their value and self-worth and can love themselves, things begin to change. Anne Hathaway is a prime example of such a life change. It’s remarkable how much of a shift comes about when we are nicer to ourselves.

Don’t just survive, thrive!

It was a dark and stormy night. So many stories start with this captivating theme. So many possibilities can come after this. So many tragedies take place on dark and stormy nights. Even if that night is only a struggle in the mind.

Self-harm such as suicide is not a subject to take lightly, but let's bring this to the table for some discussion. Self-harm statistics are alarmingly on the rise, anyone reading this blog likely knows someone related or close to you who has taken their life. Annual suicide rates are 2.5 times the annual homicide rate. News just came to us a few days ago of another tragedy. Someone we used to work with ended their life. Rarely does this happen and we aren’t surprised. Let’s just assume everyone you meet needs a reason to face another day. Everyone can benefit from getting a positive message about their value. Thanks in advance for your compassion and kindness to someone who needed it the most. You will never know who that person is.

Statistics can’t show saved lives or thwarted attempts. Your message could open the door of hope for someone who supposed it to be tightly closed.

Serve yourself some positive vibes!

Does anyone need to hear a positive message about value instead of performance? The competitive pressure to perform among young athletes has been in the headlines lately. Rightfully so, parents and coaches share a deep concern about the many sources of stress students face. Pressure to perform, humiliation that comes with failure. Being unprepared for life's challenges. Pressure comes from your opponents but also from your peers. Often, it’s easier to face the team you lost to, than your teammates in the locker room after the game.

Furthermore, student debt, stress about the uncertain future and adults asking so many probing questions can be daunting. Questions for which kids don’t yet have answers. Everyone else seems to have their "ducks lined up". Why am I the only one on the planet feeling so down and out? You know these exact or similar thoughts come to young people as they have to you. Kids have so much going for them, so much talent and so much incredible value. So strange, everyone can see this except them. If this person or young person is you, it would be a good time to trust people if they are trying to help you see your Value Box. These same people are trying to help you not take the Ego Box too seriously. See: Clarifying your value (blog post)

Bullying is a huge subject, too large for this book. The power tripping of bullying has cost many a life. This disgraceful behavior comes so naturally, it’s a cultural hallmark. Seems like everyone is doing it now-a-days. At work or school, don’t let a bully determine how you perceive your value! The seriousness of bullying is one reason this book is written. The insidious abusive act of bullying can annihilate the understanding of your value like nothing else. In one fell swoop you can doubt your worth, hate yourself and wish to die, seeing no escape from such searing pain. Bullying is a champion of carnage, it’s a poisonous superpower on steroids.

Thanks for your service!

William Shuttleworth graced our little town a few years ago. Such a pleasure to meet this guy. Some of the local Vets arranged a dinner with him at the Masonic Lodge. Mr. Shuttleworth was a 71-year-old Veteran walking across America. He was a grand presence with a great mission. Bringing attention to Veterans' needs and some areas of neglect. Elevated suicide rates among this populous are concerning. His journey lasted 110 days, took 5 pairs of shoes and spanned 3,300 miles. Thanks for your service, Mr. Shuttleworth.
Over the years, I have entertained thoughts of taking my life. This train of thought has sort of evolved. Evolved is the best way I can describe this strange journey. I wonder how many can relate. Have you struggled in this area? More importantly, what is the most effective way to help anyone on such a dark and stormy night?

Don't go it alone!

In my struggles as a teenager, the thought of taking my life came from loneliness. When I was in this state of mind or stressed it was like one of six options to cope with a situation. The suicide option was just always one of many available. There was a time when I wanted to use this option for power, as a way of revenge or to gain attention. This was a time in my life when coping skills were minimal or non-existent. The fear of rejection and extreme loneliness were heavy struggles for me, and I didn’t know who or how to ask for help. At the peak of this trauma, mostly self-inflicted, I was hospitalized. This was a disappointing venture from which I found little professionalism and even less tangible help. I am grateful however, for the concern of friends and family and the time to rest my mind.

The man I worked for at a print shop was empathetic and talked to me about my struggles. He was curious about my feelings, he never at all felt like taking his life for any reason. He never thought of it as an option ever. At the time I remember being shocked by this statement. Would that ever be possible for me? Sometimes my internal pain felt to me like my hand was on fire. What would you do? Extinguish it of course, this would be the only way to stop the agony.
In the hospital, I was asked a lot of questions but not one of them was about relationships. Relationships are a huge influence factor in our life and state of mental health, in case anyone didn’t notice. Thanks to my control freak mentality, dreaded fear of loneliness and stress of the future, my relationships weren’t going as planned. I was not equipped to maturely handle this challenge and it showed!

A door of hope!

A few years later I came across the mindset and writings of Dr. William Glasser at wglasser.com. His work was monumental to my personal development, and I connected with his message. Control Theory was the first of many Glasser books I read. I found answers and tools to help build relationships. His offering spelled out supportive details as to why relationships work or don’t work. According to Dr. Glasser, we are all either control freaks or recovering control freaks, this reassuring truth became a guidepost.

Alarm bells!

The subject of taking your life is simply difficult to bring up. Alarm bells and panic set in for caregivers and parents, we feel so unequipped for this conversation. Like other situations as a responsible adult, we are at a loss of the next right thing to do. I don’t pretend to have the answer, I just don’t. However, I’m more and more convinced that speaking a Value Message and being mindful of this Value Box illustration is a firm step toward proactive prevention. For "two box" illustration see this blog link: Two Boxes

What does proactive suicide prevention look like? You wouldn’t believe how many people are scrambling for the answer to this question. I didn’t believe it myself. My intention for discussing this topic was only a few paragraphs. After assessing so much feedback and concern from early book reviewers, I realized there might be an elephant on the table and a deeper purpose for the birth of The Value Message.

If we struggle with suicidal thoughts, most of the time we aren't the ones who are alarmed. It's just a curiosity kind of dialogue in our heads. Taking our life is a long-term solution to a short-term problem, yet it's so easy to get fixated on the short-term problem. If we aren't accustomed to using problem solving skills, our struggles will be magnified and appear larger than actual reality.

Hey You!

I would tell my younger self to, “Be patient, you have immense potential and value”. I did have a lot of friends and family who conveyed that message for which I'm grateful. Instilling a sense of value in people is being proactive. This message could be spoken formally, like a presentation or motivational speech at school or your place of business. Or talking individually to at-risk students or acquaintances. Remember a Value Message can be spoken with or without words, be on the lookout for every opportunity.

Would a discussion about understanding my own value and potential have changed my outlook? Would I have been able to even receive such a message or concept? How do you feel about that question if you can relate? Hindsight is always so clear and when the stress is over, we fantasize about how much better it would have been if only. One thing I know for sure is you are absolutely worth the effort of such a discussion.