Margaret McSweeney's Blog, page 31

The Consistency Conspiracy

Do you feel discouraged when parenting experts say, “Consistency is a must in parenting”? I used to. There was no way I could pull that off with four little ones, ages five and under.

photo credit Morguefile.com

Consistency, is concept often associated with good parenting. Christian parenting experts often toss in this verse as back up… “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No’ (Matthew 5: 37).

This passage has largely been misunderstood. This statement refers to being a person of integrity, one who keeps his word and speaks the truth. It does not mean parents must deliver discipline or punishment the exact same way, always, and under any given situation. Or the other thought, “If you spoke it- then you must stick to it.”

Moms, we try to give the same responses, rewards, or consequences for similar situations; trying to train the same every day and every way from potty training to driver training. But…it is an impossible task. It can’t be done. Why?

The human factor and life circumstances.

Consistency is a myth! Go ahead….breathe a sigh of relief.

 So you ask, “What if I’ve delivered a punishment, don’t I have to carry it through to the end?”

Answer, “Nope.” Just because you said it, doesn’t mean you can’t unsay it.

Think of the times you were…. let’s say… overzealous in your reaction to a behavior. “You are grounded for life!” Oops, you said it. You are stuck.

HOGWASH.

Who said you had to follow through when the consequence is overblown?

Instead pull back and readjust.

“I’ve thought this over. The consequence I delivered was too severe. Please forgive me. We will respond this way instead.”

Flexibility and creativity are the name of the game.

The best way to deal with behavior you’d like to tweak (notice I said behavior not offspring) is to find a way to train for desirable behavior. Rather than use an old stand-by punishment such as timeout or being grounded for life-practice the better behavior training technique. For example, if your child is disrespectful don’t dismiss him to isolation – instead have him restate his words with respect.

Consistency counts when it comes to your promises, faith, morals, values, safety, and legal issues. Integrity! These are the times  we want our words to remain the same today and always.

 Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No’.

Matthew 5:37

In all other situations-be creative, flexible, and train. You don’t have to be perfect but you do want to maintain control. Train for the desired behavior.

Lori Wildenberg

Licensed Parent and Family Educator, co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting

If you liked this article, hop over to 1Corinthians13Parenting for more faith-based parenting tips.

The Warrior Weekend: Special Deal for Dads!

Get away, get outdoors, and get into God’s Word! The Warrior Weekend is a resource to help dads raise boys to be Godly men. Written as a devotional, it is full of biblical wisdom specific to boys, applicable stories of brave men, and adventurous activity ideas or a weekend away. The Warrior Weekend is a great resource for helping dads and sons explore God’s Word and God’s world together.

During The Warrior Weekend, there will be three lessons you will explore and complete together.

Each lesson consists of the following components:

Warrior Account: Each lesson will have a real life account of a warrior’s story in history. These are different men who have done extraordinary things. These accounts are meant to illustrate a biblical principle or truth outlined in that particular lesson.

Warrior Activity: Each lesson will have an activity that you and your son will complete together. These activities are meant to be adventurous and fun. They are also meant to illustrate the main theme of each lesson.

Warrior Application: After reading the warrior account and completing the warrior activity, you and your son will sit down together and discuss the application. This will be a chance to discuss what God’s Word says about how boys are created for God’s purposes.

My prayer is that this resource and weekend will be instrumental in helping your son(s) continue learning what it means to grow up and be Godly men! The Warrior Weekend is a great resource for you and your son(s) or it can be used in a group. Feel free to invite more dads and their sons!

To purchase your copy now:

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Click to purchase The Warrior Weekend in paperback for only $7.99!

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Click to purchase the PDF of The Warrior Weekend for $4.99!

 

Your Marriage as a Ministry

When you think of ministry, the last person you may think of is your husband. Somehow it doesn’t seem like ministry when you’re doing the daily routines . . . folding laundry, cooking meals, juggling your roles as wife and mom. For me, it seemed more like ministry when I was taking care of others out there. At least that’s what I used to think.

During the most difficult times in my marriage, when my husband Randy was battling alcoholism, I felt proud of my out there efforts. I had joined a team of people from my church who took a weekly meal to the Lee Hotel—an old hotel that had been repurposed as a home for the homeless. One night I helped out by bringing potato salad. I enjoyed talking with the people there who were overcome with gratitude for their simple fried chicken dinner. Yes, it took time and energy to go, but really, it was easy.

It’s much easier to minister to people when you don’t expect anything in return. There’s no emotional cost—these people seem wholly deserving and none of them have made your life difficult. It’s gratifying to meet someone’s needs in Jesus’ name. Sometimes it’s easier to take a bowl of potato salad to total strangers or to send a check to a child overseas. But ministering to my husband? That was a different story.

A typical scenario was that I’d come home after delivering a meal to the Lee Hotel and whine while I cooked dinner for my family resenting that I was also left to clean it up. That didn’t feel like ministry. That felt more like being a maid—especially when I didn’t think my husband deserved special treatment. Look what he was doing to our lives with his drinking.

Have you ever felt that way? Ministry to your husband? I don’t think so, you might be thinking. But what if you were to consider your daily routine as an act of ministry—as unto the Lord Himself?

Max Lucado asks, How are they going to believe you halfway around the world when they can’t believe you across the hall? That question hit my heart. I asked God to show me how to minister to Randy. I began to consider that I could be Jesus’ hands and feet to this man God had given me. I had to shift my perspective from that of just a wife to being a woman with a specific ministry to a specific man.

Here are some steps I took that helped me move forward with this God-given ministry:

1. Be Intentional — Have a decisive and continuous willingness to be committed to ministry to your husband. Ministry in marriage doesn’t happen automatically. It’s a choice. Have you ever considered that you are your husband’s mirror? You are the one who says by how you view him: This is what you look like. You have the power, with God’s help, to give your husband a new perspective on his present worth and future hope.

2. Be Aware —Know your spouse’s needs. Be willing to see your husband with new eyes. Knowing you are understood is powerful. Much of what we do when we minister is motivated by an awareness of those needs we all have. Pray for your husband.

3. Be Convinced — Believe that God has called you. You are the best person possible to minister to your husband’s deepest needs. Your extensive knowledge of him, including those things that you don’t like about him, makes you the most qualified and capable for the job. You have been hand-picked—God’s chosen instrument to touch his needs.

Choosing ministry in your marriage may be the most difficult assignment you take on, but one that could be the most rewarding. I still enjoy opportunities to take potato salad to someone out there. My greatest joy has been walking across the hall and loving my husband.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17 NIV

 

Growth

I was just asked a question that provoked an immediate response from me: a response that has been running through my mind with some regularity over the past few months.

The question was “What is the best thing that has happened to you lately?”

My response was “Teaching Grade 4.”

I had no idea I would fall in love with these 23 kids like I have. My days, for several months now, have been flurries of activity. My responsibilities have been, oftentimes, overwhelming. My students have been, oftentimes, demanding. I have been, oftentimes, short at best, impatient at worst. My life has been full . . . And I have been fulfilled.

Who knew I could ever be a classroom teacher? Certainly not I.

Yesterday I was giving one of my “Our time together is almost over” references, and one of the students asked if I was sad. I didn’t even try to mask it–figured there was little point. Instead I pointed out to her, and to the whole class, my tear-brimming eyes. Yeah, I’m pretty sad.

We reminded each other that I would see them again next year. But we knew it would be different. Not that it won’t be good next year. I know it will. But change is hard for us mortals, no matter how beneficial it may be.

Today one of my student’s plants bloomed, a little flower-like bud appearing on his science project. I guess it’s fitting that the first of these would appear on our last full day of school. And I guess it’s also fitting that this plant belongs to one of the kids who especially tugs at my heartstrings, with his tough-exterior-sensitive-interior . . . I think I’ve always had a soft spot for those not-so-tough tough guys

The other day I had one of my moments of impatiently responding to lack-of-attention. One unfortunate by-product of the end of the year is that, as much as I’d like to just be loving in everything, in actuality I find my temper shorter than usual. At any rate, several students were being rowdy and I noticed the group, calling out one culprit by name. He was not one of the usual rowdy ones, so I can’t remember ever calling him out like that. A few moments later I was shocked to notice that he was blinking back tears, hiding it by peering intensely at his schoolwork. I just about lost it myself, horrified that I could have hurt him so with a simple rebuke. I was especially careful after that, quick to praise him, and others, and slow [I hope] to correct. But it was a good, necessary reminder for me of how crucial my role is as a teacher . . . and of how deeply I love these kiddos.

You Can Know God

I was sitting in high school biology, trying hopelessly to understand cell division. Pretty soon I gave up all together and started thinking about what had been on my mind lately.

I felt so far from God.

When I was eight years old I made a decision to put my faith in God by accepting the gift of life Jesus offered, but I never felt anything. Following God seemed like the right thing to do in my brain, but I was sad when God still seemed like this far-off idea and not real.

Right there in high school science class I prayed (not out loud, just in case you’re wondering). I said, God, if you’re real, I want to feel you. I want to know without a doubt that you’re there.

Nothing happened in that moment.

But a few months later I went to church camp on summer break, and while I was at camp I went to an afternoon class that taught me how to spend time with God. They called it “quiet time”. I took notes, and when I got home I gave it a try. The first time I tried to spend alone time with God in my bedroom seemed to last FOREVER. (It was only about three minutes.)

I wanted to know God, so I kept at this new discipline. I started to pray, and God started specifically answering my prayers. And when I read the Bible it seemed like he was speaking right to me and what I needed.

Over time, I realized I was starting to experience God. He was real, and I was getting to know Him every day.

Thirty-seven years later I can’t even imagine that I ever felt far away from God. He is so real now. I talk to Him all day long, and He answers me. I could tell you so many stories about how God has taken care of me. It’s the most exciting, life-giving relationship I’ve ever had.

It’s a close relationship, and it’s so good that I want you to experience it.

In Jeremiah 9:23-24, God says that if we really want to brag about something, He wants us to brag that we know Him.

God wants you to know Him.

So if you feel far from God, do what I did. Pray and ask Him to show you He is real. Put your faith in His Son, Jesus. Start out by reading a little bit from the book of Mark in the Bible every morning. Talk to God.

He’s waiting for you.

Just Do It!

“Do everything without arguing or complaining,

so that you may become blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation

in which you shine like stars in the universe…”

Philippians 2:14-15NIV1984

I am so busted when I read this passage!

I can still remember the first time I discovered these first five words: “Do everything without arguing or complaining.” As pastor, I was leading a time of prayer, when “Wham!” Someone read this passage and I was immediately convicted. Six years ago and I still remember it.

How could such a small phrase carry such a powerful punch?

I’m guessing it’s power comes with the fact that we seek, ask, plead, and beg God for direction. Yet, so often when He answers, it’s not what we want to hear. It’s not what we want to do. It’s not really the answer we were hoping for. Usually, this means the answer requires US to do something, when we were really hoping for God to “Just do it!”

We expect God to reveal the masterplan. When, all the while, the Holy Spirit is daily whispering in our spiritual ears to go here, go there. Say these words to this person, give a hug to that person. Send a note. Write a letter. Make a phone call. Tend to business. We want to do God’s will? Well, the Holy Spirit is sending us on a mission every day. But we don’t follow through.

How do we know it’s the Holy Spirit?

If we find ourselves arguing with that internal voice of instruction, then we know it must not be our idea. If it’s something that would be pleasing to God and would share His love or further His mission, then we also know it’s not “the devil made me do it” either. We can be sure that if it’s the devil, it will be something very tempting that we will want to do, but we know we shouldn’t.

I cannot count the number of times I have wished I had followed through on the prompting of the Holy Spirit. As events transpired, I could always look back and see that God was preparing me for what was ahead. If I had just done what He had placed on my heart and on my to-do list, I could have avoided many hardships and pitfalls.

In the same way, I cannot count the number of times that I followed the Spirit’s prompting and was so glad I did! God is so amazing to give us a heads-up! Let’s agree to “do everything without arguing and complaining”. Just think of the stories we can share!

And to think that by simply being obedient, He has made it possible for us to

•become blameless and pure

•children of God

•without fault

•and shine like stars in the universe

Sounds like a great plan, doesn’t it?

To live at this level of obedience, we must get alone with God every single day. Besides praying and presenting our requests to Him, it requires that we also spend time listening to His requests for us. Just like any other relationship, our conversation with God requires speaking and listening.

Ahh! I am so excited to hear what God has planned for me, for you!

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has planned for those who love him–but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit (ICor.2:9-10).”

Has God placed a God-sized dream your heart?

We would love to hear how the Holy Spirit is speaking to you! Leave a comment so we can pray for you or celebrate with you! That’s what sisters do, right?

Learning the Same Lesson . . . Again!

Fair Use Photo

Aslan is the Christ figure in the C.S. Lewis story Prince Caspian. The lion in Narnia is analogous to the story of Jesus. Teaching a lesson to Lucy, he says, “Why didn’t you come to me for help?” She responds, “I’m sorry, why didn’t you come in to save us like last time?” Aslan replies, “Things never happen the same way twice.”

Perhaps you’ve learned as I have that no matter how many times a new lesson pops up (or old ones resurface) – nothing is exactly as before — God didn’t meet me with a like answer as He might have in the past.

Life requires making changes, dealing with new (or old) lessons and issues. Change is slow but while prayer can change things, the answer is often more about my heart and attitude than anything else! Psalm 138:8 tells me, “The Lord will accomplish what concerns me . . .”

He wants me to receive what He gives with an open hand, knowing it’s given out of love and concern for me. That’s how He teaches. He wants us to be thankful – I Thessalonians 5:18.

Notice that we’re not asked to be thankful for all things; but “in everything give thanks.” Being thankful for war, divorce, disabilities, personal struggles, etc. is a tough pill to swallow but we can give thanks in these trials when they come – learning from and growing in them – developing character and relying upon and trusting in His provision rather than our own.

Developing an attitude of “in everything give thanks” simply takes practice. When we do – the surprise might be on us, as life starts to look like this:

• We can truly be happy for others when we don’t “get” what they were privileged to get (a child who can play soccer; a child who talks and walks; the freedom to travel, the ability to go out to dinner, a good marriage, a great job – fill in the blank that fits your situation…)

• We begin to show gratitude for the little things: thankful for little bits of progress we see in our child rather than just the end results, thankful for a nice job not the dream job (gratitude vs. expectancy)

• Our ability to invest in caring for other people will grow even when we don’t particularly feel cared for by others

• The habit of saying “thank you” – of “giving thanks” and of showing appreciation to others and to God will be developed

• Our attitude becomes gratitude

• It’s catchy – others begin to pick up on it!

Before we know it, we’ll be amazed at how much we’ve been given and how much we have to give to others! We’ll be amazed that He might not work the same way as He did before, but that the results will be new and exciting.

Cold Noodles

What happens when you hit those moments of disillusionment . . . when you find out that things are not the way they seem, and that conflict has been simmering under the surface of what you thought were smooth, we-all-like-each-other life and work settings? What happens when you are faced with the harsh reality of all the ways you do not live up to who you’d like to be?

An unpleasant announcement at work this week left me remembering the last similar situation I was faced with. This afternoon I relayed a bit of it to my friend and, as I did so, was surprised to feel the hurt welling up once again. I realized that my inner stress level has risen significantly over the past few days.

I do not do well with disappointment in people. I like to keep my illusions of, like I said, we-all-like-each-other. But the truth, of course, is that this is indeed an illusion. The reality of life is that people disappoint each other. And, most distressingly, the reality is that I disappoint others.

I had an odd moment in the classroom, in which I ended up on the verge of tears as I spoke about the admirable aspects of various countries’ First Ladies. We were talking about government in Social Studies and, as that is one of the subjects in which I have a fair bit of lesson-planning freedom, it was nice to run with my inspiration in that regard. Thankfully, the students seemed as excited about the lesson as I was. As I answered one of the questions that came up, though, I found that the sheer passion it evoked made me choke up as I spoke. I hid the emotion pretty well, I think, but it left me musing on the reasons behind that reaction.

Basically, I think it is a deep-seated yearning for a hero. I want a person—a true flesh-and-blood soul—who inspires me to live up to a legacy of faith and steadfast integrity. I think we all do. The error I run into oftentimes involves placing those in authority over me on such pedestals that there is no room for human failure. Lord grant me the serenity to accept . . . the people I cannot change. Grant me the ability to rest in Your sovereignty. To abide in Your goodness.

On a lighter note, we did a science experiment today that involved trying various tools [chopsticks, a spoon, forceps, pliers, a clothespin] to transport various foods [birdseed, peanuts, raisins, cooked spaghetti noodles, rice] from one plate to another. Each group had to move all the items on their plate and document which tool was best for each food item. The idea was to demonstrate why birds are equipped with the types of beaks they have [different shapes for different food-capturing needs]. I expected them to want to snack on their foods, so had extra of the peanuts and raisins ready for a post-lab treat. I did not expect them to be tempted by day-old cold noodles. So when I caught one group with birdseed-speckled noodles hanging out of their mouths, I had to force composure, fighting laughter as I explained to them that these noodles were not for eating!

A Priceless Reward

John Ortberg, in his book The Life You’ve Always Wanted, wrote, “I have never known someone leading a spiritually transformed life who had not been deeply saturated in Scripture.”  He’s right.  But mastery of scripture calls for commitment.

Masters of  foreign languages require years of studying. Professional writers endure years of writing, being edited, and rewriting. Airplane pilots need countless hours of simulation and then actual flying time before being allowed to transport others across the country. Artists practice drawing, paint mixing, and brush stroking for decades before they create a masterpiece.

In a similar manner, in order to make progress regarding a relationship with God, one must spend hours in prayer, worship, and study of the Scripture. The Bible contains God’s words to His children, words to encourage them and to help them live lives worthy of His kingdom. These words must be studied.  Paul, the apostle, knew the Scripture inside and out. As a zealous Jew, he memorized most of what we now call the Old Testament.

Imagine the value of daily immersing oneself in the living Word of God. The rewards would be priceless.

Bacon and Butterflies

“I can bring home the bacon, fry up in the pan, and never let you forget you’re a man….”

Buying bacon, making bacon, and Makin’ bacon (wink, wink). What a woman.

Comparing my previous response to that old commercial (Was it for bacon? I can’t even remember.) to my past reaction to the Proverbs 31 . . . The Wife of Noble Character passage, it is similar. There is no way.

Not. Even. Close. 

Not that I don’t want to, and not that my husband doesn’t hope for my metamorphosis into this person. But sadly, even after thirty-years of marriage, I’m still more like the Hungry Caterpillar than the Beautiful Butterfly.

I want to bring my husband good and not harm. But I can have a sharp tongue.

My eager hands may not always be so . . . eager. I can get disgruntled with everyday housework.

No way am I getting out of bed before sunrise. (Unless there is kid or dog vomiting involved).

I’m not the most thorough at  finding the best deals. And I cannot negotiate. (Tom doesn’t allow me to even talk with the car salesman).

Sewing? Yah right . . . hand me the stapler.

Between the two of us . . . Tom is the most generous one.

Tom is a respected man, but not because of me. Because he is a man of integrity.

Regarding the days to come, I don’t fret but there are days my heart is sad.

I pray that I can speak with wisdom and love while guiding my children.

I do attempt to stay on top of the affairs of the household—after all I am the Master of the Calendar. Although I’ve been known to forget a few things. (Like maybe picking up a kid from an after school event. OOPS).

I am very blessed by my kids and husband—and cherish the love notes each one has given me. (All saved in my nightstand bottom drawer to be read when I feel like a rotten mom or wife).

As you can see, I’m not a Completed Proverbs 31 Wife. Sorry, Tom!

But . . . I am a  ”morph-i-a-tion” of her. I fear the Lord, love my husband, and care for my family.

Rather than beat myself up when I read this passage, I have come to see it as any woman who values her relationship with the Lord and loves and cares for her family is a morphed form of  a Proverbs 31 gal.

So . . . I’m an imperfect, grace-getting woman who loves and is loved by her man and  kids and . . . always and unconditionally loved by her heavenly Husband.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

And since nothing is impossible with God, you never know when that ol’ butterfly will appear and then take over all that bacon business.

How do you respond to Proverbs 31?