Angel Ackerman's Blog, page 14

Today’s choices

It is 4:38 a.m. and I’m drinking dark roast coffee, double caffeinated, and thinking. I gave myself permission this week– despite being behind on publisher-related business– to work on my own novel, the fourth volume of the Fashion and Fiends series, Road Trip. I’m about one-quarter through the second draft, which is where the bones of a story usually beefs up and becomes what the reader might recognize as a full-fledged book.

Every day, despite whatever struggles have me in their grasp, I look for beauty in the moment and the world rarely disappoints me. But ever since learning my day job, Stitch Fix, is closing our warehouse and my end date is September 15, the blend of anxiety, stress and hope is taking a toll on my medical and physical health.

The dietician is right. I need more sleep and I need more salt. I had been on the path for some weight loss but the crushing heat and… everything?… has led to a tendency toward snacking again. First with almonds, then an evening cocktail. Sunday night I didn’t have the strength to eat a proper dinner so I had some nuts and some peanut butter pretzels in measured portions, and then a single serve bag of potato chips because I still felt weak and my sodium levels for the day were still garbage. And at that point I finished off the brownies. And last night, I skipped the gym because my joints were screaming and my trainer picked up a cold at work. So, I started with a nice decent, 100-calorie portion of Ritter Sport chocolate stuffed with raspberry rose filling and ate the whole damn bar.

I am pressed for the time to care for myself properly. I lack the financial stability to work less or even to pursue treatments that might help. I’m not “disabled enough” for government support and it’s hard to be in this vague middle zone.

And that doesn’t just apply to people with health issues. It’s hard to be older in our society. It’s hard to be a working parent, and perhaps harder to be a stay-at-home one because so many people either resent you for being able to do that (or don’t think about the sacrifices you make to do it) or look down at you for gaps in your professional resume.

It’s hard to balance your dreams with your job, because despite respect for the enterprising spirit, succeeding in business– especially a small one without capital or experienced backers– is hard. It’s hard to be young. It’s hard to be poor. It’s hard to be uneducated.

That’s one good thing about a mass facility shut down like the Stitch Fix Bizzy Hizzy. We can also talk about how hard it is, how sad we are, and how so much of this whole situation just sucks.

So, I hope today is a good day. Or at least better than yesterday. Because yesterday was so hard I almost cried at my station, table 18 in women’s QC. The humidity in the warehouse was stifling. I couldn’t keep up– in part because my support team did not meet my accommodation’s 100%. There were four people on the support team. One did he best but didn’t normally do that work and it took him half the shift to remember my accommodations. Then, due to his physical conditions, he didn’t always get all the items for me. I know he didn’t see them.

Another person just didn’t do them. This person tends to skip them, yet does them reliably for another person who has asked for the same accommodations as mine for a temporary situation. I worked next to this person the last time she was in this situation, and she managed to do all her work with an hour to spare and now she spends a lot of time in the bathroom and wandering around talking to people. She’s even made comments about my work performance.

Which makes me ask, to no one of course because who wants to be that jerk, if the point of reasonable accommodations is to allow a worker with a disability to perform at the same level as an employee with no such limitations, why are others given the same accommodations as me but yet have time to spend playing on their phone (I have seen so much TikTok), having long conversations not even at their stations, and slipping into the breakroom for extra rest?

I was told I could do what I needed to do as long as I met my numbers. Many of these other people are high performers who are very good at their job. I am also good at my job, but my body just cannot bend and move with expediency. So, I have to spend my “bad days” working as hard as I can and pushing until my joints scream to maintain numbers, because I cannot use my medical leave unless my numbers are firmly at 100% or I will be penalized, a.k.a written up and put on a probation of sorts. I worked so hard yesterday… my numbers hovered at 98% most of the day, so I couldn’t even use my approved medical leave.

That hurt mentally and physically.

When I first received my accommodations, I was placed at table 18 at the back of the line so the support team could leave me all the boxes coming out of the refix department (work that needed to be done over for one reason or another) and then share that work with anyone else who might have similar needs.

That stopped. I was told at first it was because there wasn’t enough work. Then it was because they were afraid I couldn’t finish it all. But I’m really thinking it’s because the other workers complained. And I wouldn’t care– but I’m struggling. And it’d be really nice to be able to go to work without wondering what I will endure and how much it will hurt.

And for the record– I usually do between 105% and 110% when my accommodations are met.

And I only got accommodations after the company switched from a weekly performance average to a daily accounting. I typically meet 100% per week, but usually once a week or so, I can only hit 95%. So after two years and several shift changes, my employer changed how I had to do my job. I used to be able to do it without accommodation.

This one hurts. (The end of the Bizzy Hizzy).

In roughly nine weeks, I will lose my job. I have been with Stitch Fix more than 2.5 years, and in that time, the people I have worked with have allowed me to grow, grieve, learn and be who I am.

And I thought I was holding up well against the stress of losing my job, with more debt than savings thanks to some life situations and my recent medical issues. But when you receive the email that lists your personal separation date, that makes it real.

September 15. Some of my friends are looking at a week before, another a week after. One person I know with 2 more years of tenure with the company has a Friday October 13th separation date. I am sooo jealous, primarily because it’s the perfect day to lose your job. But even beyond that– you could spend the whole weekend watching horror movies to commemorate the event.

Right now I am stunned. I haven’t read the copious amounts of paperwork. I’m not ready. I’m just going to be sad. It was a hard, hot day and my body didn’t want to cooperate. Luckily, Nicole Jensen of Back in Line Chiropractic and Wellness Center could make my feet and legs do feet and legs things.

Meanwhile, if anyone needs any projects done by an awesome writer and editor, get in touch.

Almost two weeks later…

Please do not expect this blog entry to tell a smooth story or to make sense. I don’t even know what will flow out of my fingers as I type this now. I did not plan anything special for this post, nor did I intend to miss nearly two weeks of writing.

After mere days of tracking my sodium and “eating normally” as the dietician suggested, my constant lightheadedness and episodes of low blood pressure significantly decreased. My physiatrist (who is also a neurologist, you may recall) saw me last Thursday afternoon for my post incident follow-up. She’s excited about my approval for the service dog, sorry that I’m losing my job, has promised to buy Not an Able-Bodied White Man with Money, and she and her nurse both appreciate the way I advocate for myself and try to do as much as I can to improve my body and my health.

Speaking of which, tracking food had led me to discover that when “eating normally” I was only getting 1500-1800 mg of sodium AND drinking 100 ounces of water in the humid, hot warehouse. I can only imagine how little sodium I was eating while sticking to “heart-healthy,” “low sodium” choices. And it might explain why I really love me a bag of salty potato chips.

The physiatrist and I had a lovely conversation about B-vitamins, apparently she’s low and had to start getting B12 shots so I mentioned that I sprinkled nutritional yeast on everything. She googled it and she plans on buying a jar.

The teenager also asked me to organize her bookshelf, a calming activity that brings me much satisfaction.

In a future blog, I hope to write The Saga of the Quail, now that the birds have gone home and I can no longer get in trouble for illegally housing game birds in a residential area.

Somewhere in the last two weeks I deadlifted 120 lbs– which is three-quarters of my current body weight.

And the “tube” to the outdoor kennel the teenager built for the cats has been popular.

She even put a cat door leading from the porch to the kitchen so the cats have access 24/7. Touch of Grey, our foster with a hysterical and sometimes volatile personality, has made the back porch/mud room her new domain.

I had a mental health therapy appointment and will have a job coaching session next week. Speaking of which, we are having a Women’s Outbound meeting at work on Monday and everyone is having their break after regardless of whether we normally break at this time. I’m guessing Stitch Fix has either decided our official end dates or they will be announcing more information regarding when and how we will receive this information.

We had a massive pot luck yesterday at work for our team and another roster, and I ate so much food I didn’t eat again for 24 hours.

Assessment for medical nutrition

WHAT THE DIETICIAN SAID

I had a meeting today with “medical nutrition services” at the local hospital to see if the dietician had any idea what I might be able to do to get myself on track via diet.

She recommended getting more sleep, and specifically 9 hours, which to me would mean going to bed at about 6:30 p.m.

And she applauds my effort to get off screens and read physical books before bed, but wants me to keep my bedroom dark and between 64-68 degrees. Which will mean using the air conditioner. And remembering to open the curtains for the cockatoo in the morning.

She requested that I cap my water intake at 64 ounces or so, based on the color of my urine because she’s afraid I’m flushing all the salts from my system.

She put me on a 1300 to 1500 calorie limit, and asked me to do more meal prep and meal planning as is my custom, but also to eat breakfast within an hour of waking up. Which, because I have so little wits and already have a busy routine, requires meal prepping breakfast in addition to lunch.

As for dietary guidelines, she wants to see me track my food and eat as “normal” as possible, not worrying about sugar and salt per se.

And I need to find a healthy outlet for stress.

Don’t we all.

FOOD DIARY

4:30 a.m: morning meds, 12 ounces water, half a cup of my favorite peppermint accented medium roast coffee with half and half5:15 a.m.: about 8 ounces water with Electrolyte Powder Plus in raspberry6:15 a.m. one serving of pretzels and 3/4 of a serving of JIF peanut butter.8:30 a.m.: one serving Cabot cottage cheese, one golden kiwi, probably one serving “corn bake” and 20 ounces water.12:30 p.m.: 16 ounces water, Baclofen and one slice pesto pizza3:30 p.m.: repeat of this morning’s coffee and a Kind Breakfast Bar4:30 p.m.: about 16 ounces of electrolyte water at the gym6 p.m.: finally had my Hungryroot schnitzel– a thick pork chop coated with the dry batter of Hungryroot’s ancient grain pancake mix and “hot potato salad” of creamer potatoes, parsley, and balsamic vinegar. I was very very pleased with the texture of the pancake coating.

Weight: 160, Sleep: 7 restless hours, Morning blood pressure: 120/76 (it’s normally around 110/65 at first check), Equilibrium: day 8 of ears ringing, slight headache and lightheaded

Heart rate about 100 bpm while standing at station, folded 100 fixes (100+%)

Socks: T-Rex drinking coffee

Hopefully my next blog entry, I can tell you more about my TedX interview.

Today The Teenager and her uncle built a cat tunnel

As the threat of rain descends upon on, the Ackerman household has an announcement:

The Teenager and her uncle built our indoor cats a cat tunnel to the outdoor cat cage.

My food dairy

8 p.m. last night: about 15 ounces water that kept me up peeing until almost 1 a.m.
6:30 a.m.: tried to brew 26 ounces of Supercoffee with about 1 tablespoon of cacao with maca powder. Think I brewed the coffee super strong. Served with half and half
8:15 a.m. poured second cup of coffee, realized I hadn’t had any water yet, poured 12 ounces.
9 a.m. ordered an iced tea for my daughter and “had to try” the new 200 calorie coconut macaroon iced coffee at dunking (but I got decaf) and the new chicken and roasted pepper wrap.
9:15 another 8 ounces of water; dunkin arrives, coffee made with coconut milk. It’s too sweet it’s going in the fridge.
12:20 15 ounces unsweetened earl grey iced tea
3 p.m. trying to drink the decaf coffee from dunkin (finished it)– two everything bagel tortilla, avocado, roasted pepper and kale, vegan meat slices and nutritional yeast.

5 p.m. we went to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cake for the Teenager’s birthday. We got it through the drive through — and they didn’t have eight inch so we got a discounted 10 inch Oreo Blizzard Cake.

Imagine our surprise when we arrived home and the dog— whom we had not crated— had let herself (and two of the cats) into the backyard.

I think I’ve eaten two thousand calories of ice cream cake— and I gotta say I’m impressed. DQ makes really good ice cream cakes.

Pizza and blood pressure

I woke up this morning and my blood pressure was still 110/68. I still felt dizzy. So I skipped my beta blocker for the second time, chugged a glass of electrolyte water and went to work. By the time I arrived in the breakroom before clocking in, my blood pressure was 125/88. I took my beta blocker and hoped for the best.

The person on support today did an excellent job of meeting my medical accommodations, and my neighbors in the QC lines, M. and A., kept swapping out my carts for theirs whenever they received refixes, which make it easier to limit my mobility. I ended the day at about 105% and I am grateful for the help.

FOOD:

4:30 a.m.: half a cup of peppermint coffee, 12 ounces electrolyte water and a slice of pesto pizza.6:30 to 8:30 a.m.: 17 ounces water8:30 a.m.: cashews and fig newtons8:30 to 10:30 a.m.: about 12 ounces water10:30 a.m.: two slices pizza2:30 p.m.: about 16 ounces unsweetened Earl Grey iced tea with Torani sugar free mango syrup4:30 p.m.: dinner based on a recipe from Hungryroot–“the actual orange burger” made from sweet potato, carrot and red pepper topped with avocado, sautéed kale and yellow and red peppers (and I probably used too much oil), BBQ tempeh, and nutritional yeast and served on a pretzel bun toasted in the oven after a brush with margarine and everything bagel seasoning. Served with cottage cheese, because honestly I’m concerned it might not have enough protein and a Dr Pepper Zero Strawberries and cream.6:15 p.m.: KozyShack cinnamon raisin rice pudding for dessert. An impulse buy. But I still don’t like rice pudding.

Hopefully that’s all I eat today and I have some more water before bed.

Friday food and health

This will be a shorter blog entry to record my health update. And my food diary. I hope to follow it up with a real essay. On being prepared for the unexpected side of advocating for yourself when it comes to your needs and your disability.

I woke up even more lightheaded today and by 9 a.m. I felt like I might either fall over or faint, so I took my intermittent medical leave and clocked out at 9:14 a.m. When I got home, I took a one hour nap, after which I could at least hold my head up without swaying. My heart rate was experiencing some highs and lows– highs of 130, lows of 44, within a short range. My blood pressure was111/67.

Food “today”:

7:30 p.m. yesterday: after not having dinner last night, I watched an old episode from season 2 of Rescue 9-1-1 and ate about 2.5 servings of Sahale Asian Sesame Edamame Bean & Nut Mix– with around 15% of your RDA in sodium and 6 grams of protein per serving.4:30 a.m. Don’t judge me, but this morning I had about 10 ounces of water and a Coke Zero for breakfast. Despite having almost 8 hours sleep, I could still barely get myself out the door.8:30 a.m. I was hoping food would help me feel better. I had grabbed the Brekki oats again as I ran out the door, but today they didn’t have my Greek yogurt in the breakroom so I grabbed a serving of JIF peanut butter to fatten up my dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan and goodness knows what other trend oats. 12:30 p.m. After my nap, I reheated my leftover pasta with jarred red sauce, a tad of mozzarella, and some tiny pieces of meatloaf for meatballs. My water level for the day, besides the 10 ounces this morning, is an additional 24 ounces.1 p.m. peppermint coffee with half and half.

Done.

It’s hard to watch the work ethic of some people fall apart as we face the closing of our warehouse. I only got six hours sleep last night, despite going to bed at a decent hour, and my heart rate rarely got below 90 today. And I keep facing less equilibrium. I can’t spell anymore. I can’t think.

And I have one more ten-hour shift tomorrow and a four-hour overtime shift on Saturday.

This post will be riddled with errors and I’m not going to tell you the details of how much yuckier my day went once I got home. But I will tell you I forgot to take my evening medication and I’m not going downstairs to get it.

I sent a message to my doctor yesterday asking if I could go through the medical nutrition program– and he referred me. I’ll be going Monday.

I really wanted Hungryroot’s pork snitzel(sp) for dinner but the teenager used up all the Ziploc bags and it’s a shake-and-bake type recipe and I need a bag.

And as soon as I write down my food intake for the day, I’m going to cry myself to sleep.

What I ate today:

4 a.m.: Supercoffee brewed with organic cacao and served with half and half. I took some to work but only drank about 16 ounces total and forgot it in the breakroom when I left for the day.5:15 a.m.: water and homemade cheesecake. 8:30 a.m.: about 24 ounces in on water intake for the day. Brekki overnight oats, which were sweet, syrupy and wet so I added plain Greek yogurt.11:30 a.m.: about 16 ounces more of water. One slice rye bread, creamy miso (about one teaspoon) and my mother-in-law’s meatloaf. Some Wallaby candies. But only about 1/2 a serving or so.1:30 p.m.: golden kiwi. By the end of the shift, I had another 8 ounces water.4 p.m.: about 12 ounces electrolyte water with a hint of cucumber and honey roasted pistachios.

This was supposed to be dinner, but I put it back in the fridge.

Still lightheaded (and goodies from the Stitch Fix Hizzies)

I spent all day lightheaded, with it getting progressively worse all day. I altered my food today to include more sodium. I even brought my electrolyte powder to work, but no improvement. And yes– I did email my doctor. I had tried to schedule an appointment but with his current vacation schedule and his tendency to be heavily booked, I might be best served by my late August wellness visit.

When the lightheadedness threatens to become full dizziness, my heartrate is in the 110-115 beats per minute range, which scares me. But still no signs of Afib.

At work today I did 162 fixes, which was our goal when we were still on 10-hour shifts. Now it’s 164. But I spent 40 minutes at the safety team. We discussed resumes.

Speaking of Stitch Fix… my Freestyle order from last week came, or at least 75% of it came. It’s ridiculous how long it took to get here.

Now, I have to be up at 3:45 a.m. to start my ten-hour shift at 5:30 a.m. so let’s get on to the food diary…

4:15 a.m.: I made 26 ounces of Supercoffee with half and half. I put it in my thermal mug and it took me three-quarters of the day to drink half of it. Then I put ice in the other half and put it in the fridge.8:30 a.m.: probably drank 24 ounces of water so far at work. First break was Cabot cottage cheese, sipping my coffee and enjoying a golden kiwi. The cottage cheese had 18% of my RDA in sodium.11:30 a.m.: Wendy’s chicken sandwich, the super basic one and I asked them to remove the mayo and add ranch and pickles, but they didn’t listen and merely removed the mayo. Added my own ranch and pickles. Had some sliced packaged apples and plaintain chips. The plaintain chips have minimal sodium and some vitamins. The chicken sandwich was processed so it had to be salty, but none of it made me feel better.1:30 p.m.: probably drank about 24 more ounces of water and drank 1/2 my mason jar of water with my electrolyte powder. I finished it after work. Also had a bag of cashews.6 p.m.: the teenager made dinner. Caesar salad with fried chicken, red peppers and cucumbers. I had two big bowls. And a glass of unsweetened iced tea, Earl Grey.

Then I packed a meatloaf sandwich on rye with creamy miso and nutritional yeast, another kiwi and licorice bites for lunch tomorrow. I also set the coffee pot to brew more Supercoffee at 4 a.m. and added some organic cacao into the coffee grounds.

Food Day 2 and 174 Fixes

My blood pressure was great all day— I only took my regular half dose of beta blocker. My heart rate had a few episodes of elevation, and I was dizzy all day every time I walked.

It was humid and hot in the warehouse. I worked a ten hour shift and folded 174 fixes. Despite the sadness and frustration filling the warehouse, the conversations happening between colleagues keep the family spirit going. And it’s a great reminder that we’re all still a team.

But with each subsequent Stitch Fix commercial on Hulu, I fight tears.

And for the record, 174 fixes is 106%.

My food diary for the day:

4:30 a.m.: Water, coffee with half and half, Kind almond butter oatmeal bars. I didn’t have a chance to eat my pineapple jerky.8:30 a.m.: about more 30 ounces of water, one small banana, packages apple slices, about 3/4 of a serving of peanut butter. I didn’t have a chance to eat my pistachios. 11:30 a.m.: water count is up another 20 ounces, a raspberry watermelon polar seltzer, and a packed solid salad of pesto, kale, red pepper, cucumber, pumpkin seeds, roasted chick peas, black beans, couscous, and hummus.1:30 p.m.: about 16 more ounces water, finished the seltzer, and ate three mini molasses cookies from Archway, one serving.4:30 p.m.: unsweetened Earl Grey iced tea with fresh lemon 5:30 p.m.: diet caffeine free Coke, 2 everything tortillas each with avocado, nutritional yeast, and Alpha plant-based Chikn nuggets dipped in blue cheese dressing.