Angel Ackerman's Blog, page 2

Yesterday was hard

I don’t want to write this. I am tired and I want to go to bed and pray that I am not in too much pain to sleep. I won’t post it until tomorrow (Hence referring to today as yesterday in the title.)

Nothing bad happened. It was just a bad day physically, and it’s been a long time since a day hit me this hard.

I need to write about it though, because I am under strict instructions from my doctor to pay attention and note anything unusual because she’s heard some of my symptoms and said that if I were any other patient I’d be going for tests.

And if I don’t write this blog, I will forget today was a bad day physically.

It started nicely enough. Visted Nancy Scott and noticed then that climbing the stairs felt more stiff than usual.

Ate decently. Tried a sample meal replacement bar for breakfast and ate a HUGE brunch of potato, broccoli, multi color peppers, egg and feta. Had two pieces of licorice and a whole bunch of unsweetened and barely caffeinated tea.

I noticed while changing into my work uniform that my knuckles felt achy and weak and like I was about to injure my middle finger as I did with my mallet finger/sock incident of 2022. (If you want to read more about my mallet finger, click here.) This sensation returned again at the end of the night before I showered.

I took 10 mg of baclofen. In the morning, I took five.

Left for work at 1:30. So here’s the big reveal– in addition to my publishing company, I took what was supposed to be a very part-time job at Chick-Fil-A. My reasons for selecting that particular job were very specific. That might be a good topic for another post.

Once I arrive, I grab some Coke Zero. I usually stick to unsweetened iced tea or seltzer while I’m at the restaurant, but tonight I needed something a little extra. The back of my right thigh is spasming.

I started my shift running people their food inside the restaurant. It’s not my strongest position, but I like the movement. Then, I went to the drive-thru window for an hour, before I went back to running. My legs felt very heavy and clumsy the whole time.

Then, I went on break. And I ate a fruit cup. Everything still felt hard to move.(I walked a total of 15,000 steps today and two hours of my shift registered as exercise on my Apple Watch.) While outside I started stumbling, and twice I almost pelted some cars with bags of food.

And it was cold outside! Then, the icy rain started. Eventually, I got a poncho, and after about two hours I went inside and washed my hands for five straight minutes trying to get them warm again. At this point, my lower half hurts and I can’t bend and reach the floor.

And one of my supervisors accidentally clocks me in the cheekbone with his elbow. Hard.

I finally leave, and my phone alerts me that my heart rate is high. It hovered around 120-135 most of my shift. It usually does.

My toe hurts– not sure if I’m getting a blister or the toe I almost broke or the neuroma giving me trouble.

I came home, showered and made myself some food. And took 20 mg of baclofen. Making my grand total for the day 35 mg. I think. My blood pressure is also trending upward, at 112/78.

My phone says my average walking asymmetry for the day was 2.5 percent, but I noticed there was a lot of asymmetry. Often when my numbers are bad, they are a lot higher but only happen once. This was happening frequently. It looks like it was happening a dozen times an hour.

So, I came home wet, cold, stumbling and hurting.

I record this now to improve my memory of what the bad days feel like.

“Make Good Decisions”

I visited my neurologist/physiatrist yesterday for my four-month follow-up. Four months ago she recommended I join the Thrive medical fitness program with the hospital network. I met with her in November to discuss how I could move forward with exercise and strength training; I was scared that I would hurt myself working out alone.

According to her records, I lost six pounds! She was very happy to hear about and see for herself the gains I’d made in my strength. She reminded me that I was still “young enough” to keep making gains, whereas at a certain point the aging process makes it so that all we can do is maintain our strength.

I told her about my bumpy February, complete with several unexplained falls. She has some concerns about this, concerns that are mitigated by my fall-free March. I told her my theory that the change of seasons and sinus “stuff” might impact my balance– referring to my serious falls of March 2023– and reporting that I had not resumed taking my allergy medicine after a winter hiatus.

There are some other signs, some dealing with episodic urge incontinence and a recent bout of constipation, the strange weakness and sensations in my fingers, and my typical hyperreflexia that could suggest an issue with my spinal cord in my neck. So if anything changes or becomes more persistent, I have to let her know immediately and not “downplay” it. She referred to me as one of those patients who is “a trooper” and just keeps going.

So she wrote in my after visit summary as my main instruction to “make good decisions.”

How many of us could curtail a lot of our health problems if we followed that advice?

My next steps will be to focus on working out and continuing my progress with strength training and weight loss, reduce caffeine intake, and improve my cardiofitness. My next appointment is scheduled for the day after my cardiologist appointment, so hopefully I will have some positive trends to report to both of them.

My neurologist also made me promise that when I get my service dog, she gets to meet him/her sooner rather than later.

Balance Assessment at Susquehanna Service Dogs

About three years ago, Eva– my daughter, in the beginning of her career as a pet caregiver and dog trainer– said she wanted to train me a service dog. She wanted something to babysit me once she left home or when I was home alone.

She showed me some videos and I did some research and thought she had a point. When she leaves home, I will be a 50-something woman living alone with a history of falls and accidents. The presence of a dog in my life would keep me active and prevent spasticity issues, improve my gait as a dog’s gait never falters, and perform small tasks like bringing me my phone or picking items off the floor.

I have no doubt that with the right puppy and the time, Eva could train a service dog. But I suggested that for our first experience in the realm of service dogs, we should apply to an official service dog program.

Working with a program would teach us how the dogs are trained, give us support, guarantee good breeding and the physical fitness of the dog, and have some added legitimacy should people question my dog’s work.

Now there are no rules that prevent individuals from training their own service dogs. I think this is why one can encounter a variety of “fake” service dogs doing public access work. [I saw two service animals in the same restaurant this week. One looked like a well-trained Labradoodle with a handler who wasn’t cognizant of her surroundings. The Labradoodle was lying across the main floor area of the restaurant and not tucked under a table. The second was a small dog, perhaps some sort of schnauzer who barked and begged and whined and scratched at its owner’s leg for food the entire time. So, either that handler was having a medical emergency and the dog’s alerts were being ignored or the dog was not properly trained. A working dog should not make noise in public and it should not be distracted by food.]

I understand that training a dog with an agency or a professional trainer is expensive, but people who insist on using dogs for public access that are not properly trained make life harder for those people who have working dogs that don’t misbehave. Improperly trained dogs with public access are the dogs more prone to cause an incident with another dog.

And once I pay for my dog– which will take ALL of my savings– if that dog is attacked or threatened while working in public, that could impact its ability to do its job in the future. My dog might become afraid and unable to focus on its job. So I will have invested all of my money in a dog that won’t leave the house.

In the United States, there are no rules or governing agencies that regulate service dogs. There are, however, rules about what people can ask to a handler of a service dog– Does this dog do work that mitigates your disability? What tasks does the dog do? That’s it.

I have chronicled my service dog adventures on this blog. Here are most of the entries. (I am also working on a disability memoir.) There’s a lot to the process. My dog will be a light mobility dog.

They say the average placement takes four years start-to-finish. We filled out the application with Susquehanna Service Dogs in Summer 2022. I went to their facility and had an interview, fill out a survey of my life and health every six months, did an assessment while working with a dog where they recorded me, brought Eva with me to do public access work in a mall, passed a home visit, collaborated with a case worker to develop a plan of what my dog would actually need to do, and now yesterday, I went back to the facility with Eva for a balance assessment.

They had a mobility professional join us– I believe she was a physical therapist– and I worked with the dog and showed them how I get up off the floor and answered questions about my life and recent fall history. I love when Eva can come because she can tell them her insights. Apparently, she was annoyed because physically I was having a good day yesterday.

I worked with Captain. What we learned was that my dog will need to walk on my right. The dogs are trained to walk on the left, but when the dog is on my left I struggle to walk in a straight line. When the dog is on my right, my posture and ambulation is much more natural.

We also decided that my dog will be guided by a leash, versus a strap or a mobility harness. A mobility harness is rigid and has the most feedback between human and dog. In the photos, I am using a red strap on the far right. The strap was okay, and it’s an intermediary step between the harness and the leash, but it didn’t feel natural. (And the benefit of using leash only is that it gives the dog more freedom and space to get out of the way when I fall. Some dogs are trained to do things when a handler starts to fall, but I want my dog out of the way.)

It also seems like I’m at the proper place in the timeline. The next step: When they have a group of dogs that are flexible enough to work on the right and the right size to work with me, I will get to meet them. It might take a few meetings to find the right dog. Once the right dog is selected and assigned, I believe they will do any specialized training while boarding on site and then I go to their facility for a three-week training session.

The dog itself has to be two-years-old and fully grown and cleared by a veterinarian before entering the work force. Moibility dogs have some of the hardest and most physical jobs out there for service dogs.

The close-out of my medical fitness program

Monday is my last session as part of the Thrive medical fitness program at St. Luke’s. Working with the trainers in the program has reminded me of some hard truths– and the part that’s hard is the reality of your own habits and thinking patterns.

The numbers show some nice progress. I lost four pounds of fat and gained one pound of muscle. (And had I eaten better imagine what those numbers could have been.) My blood pressure according to their records has stayed the same, but based on my home readings has gone down and requires less medication. The strength-based tests– well, I kicked butt.

I certainly feel better, and stronger, though I still have work to do on my cardiofitness. That won’t really improve until I commit to more cardiovascular exercise, even if it is just walks around the neighborhood. I would love to return to riding my bike again, but there’s a fear factor there. It’s an activity I don’t want to do alone, which is also true of walking.

But here are the lessons:

When my body hurts and locks up, strength-training stretches all those muscles and gets rid of the pain.I can only lose about a pound a week if I eat well and exercise at least three times a week. Diet alone won’t do it. And my food choices don’t have to be perfect but they have to be solid.Salt is my nemesis. Too little and I experience orthostatic hypotension and lightheadedness, too much and I end up with as much as five pounds water weight. I must be choosy about my fast food. Domino’s or Little Caesars pizza will put me in a coma, and I will sleep so well, but the impact will show on my heart rate, blood pressure and weight. Wing Stop has no benefits, only the effects of the salt. I now keep various processed chicken products in the freezer because while they are not a wholesome choice, I can make my own sauces to replicate Wing Stop and save the truly detrimental health effects. Taco Bell in small doses can be tolerated, and I usually get a cheap box deal and make the items all vegetarian. It adds some extra fiber and vegetable matter to the mix. And out of all the fast food chains– I can navigate the menu at Chick-Fil-A and not notice any real impact. Their fruit cup and kale crunch salad, especially when paired with grilled nuggets, are solid choices. They also have a chicken (or vegetarian) cool wrap, which, while it is calorie dense, is easy and quick to eat– with a good portion of lettuce and cabbage. (Yes, they also have amazing salads, but those big salads are realistically three portions. That’s a lot of salad and chicken. A lot.)

Do I have the discipline to not only continue but improve upon this progress? I don’t know. Honestly. IF I made a commitment to meal planning and cooking, I could. But with money and time always an issue, I don’t know. With stress leading me to seek comfort in my favorite foods– did you know they have Sour Patch Kid Jelly Beans? Eva says they flipped Sour Patch Kids inside out… With fatigue influencing my choices– caffeine and sugary carbohydrates, anyone?

Will I get up in the morning, drink a glass of water, and commit to some sort of exercise in my home gym?

Damned if I know.

Stay tuned.

The Massachusetts Whirlwind (Day 1)

Gayle and I left my house in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley at 7:50 a.m. Our destination was the Embassy Suites in Marlborough, Massachusetts, for EH Jacobs’ book signing at Tatnuck Booksellers tomorrow.

I noticed the other day that Dunkin has its spring menu out and I was very excited to have a pistachion flavored coffee. So, after about an hour on the road, we stopped in Bernardsville, N.J., for breakfast at Dunkin — and I didn’t like my coffee. Which I used to love.

For some reason, no matter how many times I told the GPS not to, it insisted on taking us over the George Washington Bridge and threw the Bronx. That was unexpected.

And somewhere early on in Connecticut, the tire pressure light came on. But briefly thereafter we stopped at a service center in Alltown that had free air, but it was too cold and windy to check the tires and deal with them. I’m fairly certain is the 60 degree to 30 degree temperature drops from the course of the last week causing issues, but it could be every time I come to Massachusetts, I don’t put enough air in my tires.

New Haven

Before we left I googled interesting bookstores around the half-way point so we can get out of the car, wander a bit and connect with some new people. New Haven popped up as the stop with the most potential based on geographic location, the time we left (Because we leave early and stuff isn’t open sometimes until 11 a.m. or noon), and the number of potential stops in the vicinity.

It’s usually done by gut feel, google search and social media. And I typically completely forget WHY I picked a place.

STOP 1: POSSIBLE FUTURES

So, if you don’t know, I have a bachelor’s degree in English/French language and literature and a second bachelor’s in international affairs. I did somewhere around a third of my master’s degree in world history– where I intended to focus on post-colonial Francophone Africa. My academic interest is in stereotypes and the racism against indigenous people, especially in the case of the French, the prejudice against Muslims. The French treated the Muslim colonial subjects as the lowest class of citizen, deeming them unfit for miscegenation (a tactic popular as part of the civilizing mission in Asia, for example) because it would weaken the French bloodlines.

Gayle and I approach this bookstore and find a mural. Gayle loves murals. We find a memorial to abolitionist Ruth Wilson Gilmore and evidence that in warmer weather this area houses a container garden.

The academic critical theorist in me loved seeing the works of Aimé Cesaire and Franz Fanon on the shelves, with memoirs of people like Josephine Baker (which I almost bought). Black novelists (stunning collection of Octavia Butler, but she is making a comeback) and quite a few Louise Ehrlich. The inventory included feminist books, Muslim books, lots of queer and other marginalized voices. And such great vibes! This one will make my bookstore and book detour list as part of my Substack newsletter/resources.

Although our other stops were only a mile away on the Yale Campus, we opted to drive as the wind was brutal.

And I did the worst parallel park job of my life on York Street. We’re not going to talk about it. But in my defense, the space was small. But I got in it!

GREY MATTER (south)

This was a really great used bookstore with reasonable prices. (Have you been to those bookstores that base their prices on the original price of the book? I don’t like those.) I bought three books– The Long Island one by Taffy what’s-her-name and two books about colonization in Africa from the 1960s. My bill was $19.

I’m not sure if I should write this… but the vibes between the two places made me think… Possible Futures was obviously the more liberal place and had a lively energy, lots of color, friendly staff who liked to chat, and a real sense of mission and place. Grey Matter felt much more conservative, dusty and stodgy and entrenched in that sense of academia and, well, whiteness. (Which one of my Africa books is by an Indian man from an Indian publishing company so I can’t wait to see his report of what was happening in Africa.)

Gayle grabbed an iced chai on the way back to the car, but sadly she dropped it before she even had a sip.

Speaking of sad, the GPS continued its revolt and took us up smaller roads to the Boston area. Route 20 looked very, very strange. The buildings were all empty at the side of road and neglected and lots of construction everywhere– Gayle thinks they are widening the highway.

We arrived at the hotel and were extremely impressed with our room. And the snacks. And the location and the friendliness of the staff. We were scheduled to meet author E.H. Jacobs and his wife at Welly’s for dinner. And I gave Ed his royalty check.

I had a lovely fig and arugula pizza and came back to the hotel for a soak in the hot tub.

I had hoped to fulfill one of Gayle’s wishes and go see Harvard’s Gutenberg Bible, but we discovered too late that they do not have Saturday hours.

The Ups and Downs of February

Lately, I’ve felt like nothing about my life is out-of-the-ordinary or interesting. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not.

But this week has been a humdinger. On Monday night, I came home from my supplementary part-time job (because as I’ve heard other people phrase it, “Winter is a hard time for small business” and I found what I think might be an awesome 10-hour-a-week job for me– if my body can handle it). I took a few Tylenol PM because my body was aching and I hadn’t used that particular medication in a long time. But, it’s spring kinda-sorta, and I haven’t been consistent with any antihistamines so I choked on the damn pills because of the allergy-related mucus.

Now, that’s not the end of the world, except I managed to recoil away from the bathroom sink and hit my face on the wooden shelf we use as a cabinet. I hit right along the cheekbone and it hurt like heck and managed to leave a narrow bruise almost parallel to my nose.

Now– some update/backstory as I move forward here– I am two months in to my three-month program at St. Luke’s medical fitness program Thrive. I have worked with several of the trainers (Alex, Claudia, Jim) and I can feel a difference since I returned to the gym. And this week I trained with Alex after several weeks primarily with Jim and Alex noticed I needed to up a bunch of my weights and he’s looking into changing my program.

Jim taught me some stretches for my IT band, because I’ve been having some new issues with spasms in that region, and my chiropractor had determined during our visit Wednesday that I had locked up my right knee. That’s totally new.

My blood pressure and heart rate has been weird. My heartrate has been high at random periods and at one point on Monday it dropped from 120 to 60 and went back up to 130 which could be a sign of afib. And then my blood pressure would come in at 120/65, which normally my blood pressure is 115/70 or 95/65 and now it’s blending the two.

I really have the feeling that to keep my weight and blood pressure under control I have to be very meticulous about what I eat. I am still struggling with that same five pounds. If I do my strength training and my workouts, walk at least 5,000 steps a day, and eat what a lot of people would call “clean” foods, I can lose weight and keep my blood pressure low (with an occasional salty snack when it dips too low). But even if I skip a workout, the weight comes back. It got so frustrating– that nothing ever changes– that I stopped tracking in my fancy fitness journal. And if I’m discouraged now, what happens in April when my program ends?

Thursday evening I had another great workout with Alex. I was mentioning that it had been almost two years to the day since I had my afib incident. I’m really starting to wonder if the change in the weather, and allergies, has something more to do with all this.

Thursday night I came home, showered, and went to bed, only to discover that one of the household cats was in my room and did not want to be. So I got up to let her out. And when I turned to get back into bed I don’t know if I tripped over something or if I misjudged where the space was to walk, but I fell.

Onto a stainless steel litter box.

Hard.

I took a photo of the bruise on the back of my knee today (it’s Sunday) and it’s blurry because it’s at a strange angle. I have another on my arm, that one’s less vivid but bigger.

On Friday, I did a lot of work for Parisian Phoenix Publishing and even agreed to pick up some extra hours Saturday night at the part-time job. Then, I had a really nice business meeting to brainstorm some strategy for 2025 and that included a beer and some wings (and some really yummy thin Triscuits. I had never had thin Triscuits before).

But then Saturday, I woke up with some sort of gastrointestinal issue. It didn’t seem severe enough to be a stomach bug, but I couldn’t come up with any food items that would have given me food poisoning. So I found someone to cover my shift and slept most of the day (and read Fourth Wing when I was awake).

Because I barely moved yesterday my body is painfully protesting walking. My lower body muscles don’t receive messages from my brain like they are supposed to, that’s due to the cerebral palsy. When I have a lazy day like I did yesterday, my legs literally forget what to do. There will be stretching today.

And it’s interesting that I think spring might have something to do with the stuff that keeps happening in March– because March is Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month.

The healthier side of fast food

I worked my way through school at a very busy McDonalds franchise, working full-time there after college graduation until I found my first professional job four months later. When I returned to food service in my thirties, it was at our local Target (in the cafe, making official Pizza Hut pizzas and popcorn and selling icees) so that I had the income our family needed to make ends meet yet have the flexibility to raise our daughter. And go to school. And travel. And all the quirky things I have done.

So throughout most of Eva’s childhood, we didn’t eat fast food and I certainly didn’t set foot in a McDonalds for 20 years. (When I finally did, it smelled exactly the same as I remembered.)

Once Eva started to work and drive and as the pandemic changed a lot of our shopping and eating habits, we have revisited a lot of the fast food options. (There is a reason I gained 30 pounds since then, I guess.)

I was vegetarian for about eight years before Eva was born and fast food is traditionally not a place where vegetarians find many options– I remember making vegetarian Big Macs and “grilled cheese” at McDonalds. Basically, take the meat out of the traditional burger. Frankly, I always thought that sounded gross.

So imagine my surprise when I was recently scrolling the Chick-Fil-A menu online and discovered a host of vegetarian and potentially vegan options. And I decided to work my way through them. Now, I have had Chick-Fil-A’s salads, and any of them can be made without the chicken (and cheese or bacon or egg depending on the salad). They even have three vinegar-based salad dressings.

Now, let me say that I am no longer a vegetarian but I still gravitate toward vegetarian options.

I am in love with the relatively new kale crunch side salad– kale, cabbage, and almonds with the apple vinaigrette dressing.

The fruit cup surprised me. It’s mostly apples, but it also has fresh strawberries and blueberries and a couple mandarin orange slices.

The macaroni and cheese is a unique take on a classic. It does not have the uber-creamy texture of velveeta like most fast food macaroni and cheese, but almost has a rich gruyere flavor and a thicker texture.

Yesterday I tried the vegetarian cool wrap, which is the traditional cool wrap (with cold chicken, lettuce, cabbage and shredded cheese) but with the beans and corn from the southwest salad as the protein.

I’m surprised at how many easy options there are.

And there is also applesauce.

Pre-Snowstorm at the Modern Laundromat

Preamble: New Job

So, life got more hectic than usual this week. That’s a large statement on my behalf because my life is normally chaotic, but I promise this is not hyperbole.

I started a very part-time job this week (two days a week, short shifts) and the details of that shall remain for a separate post. But needless to say, the interview, the job offer, my acceptance, and my orientation happened in less than a week.

Winter is a terrible time for retail– and book sales follow retail trends– and my political journalism work won’t resume for another month. With the trials our furnace put us through this autumn and the illness that knocked us out of commission in December, I needed some predictable income even if it does only add $150 a week to the household coffers.

The Flat Tire

On Tuesday, Eva and I had a tight schedule– I had a morning meeting, Eva had some lunch dog walks and a therapy appointment and when she was due to get home, I would head out the door to my gym appointment at St. Luke’s fitness.

But when I got out of my meeting I had a flat tire with a screw sticking out of it. Luckily, a man in the parking lot had a portable air compressor and filled my tire. Then I picked up Eva, drove her to her dad’s to get his car, and then drove to the tire place.

Did I mention it had started snowing?

I had not slept much because of all the goings-on so I opted to cancel my gym appointment.

The Bedroom Reno/Redo

I’ve needed to deep clean my room for a while. I live with a bratty Goffin’s cockatoo and have three cats who live in my bedroom, so it’s always gross. I vacuum and clean cat boxes every other day if not every day but there’s still dust on everything, whether it be plaster dust, dust dust, bird dander or bird seed.

Eva painted my room originally about six years ago in Behr Diva Glam, which later turned out to be a pretty close match for “Parisian Phoenix Pink.” At that time, we painted the trim almond and ripped out the carpets but we never finished the old hardwood floors. Nala, my naughty Goffin’s cockatoo, has been peeling paint off the wall and eating window trim, and when we first painted the room we had an issue where the paint didn’t quite stick.

So, somehow, one thing led to another and the upstairs of our house has been scheduled for a deep clean. But somehow even that deep clean has gotten out-of-hand. Like maybe I should have gotten a bagster or dumpster.

We ripped down everything from curtains to bedding and Eva repainted my room and updated the color scheme. I managed to find the exact color I used to have. Eva also cleaned and updated the electrical outlets and switches. We also have a new ceiling fan to go in there eventually.

Eva decided to go ahead and learn how to refinish the wood floors and she stained them Behr “espresso” water-based poly/stain combo. This room has not had the floors done since we’ve owned it, but we also did not want to wait for the oil to dry or asphyxiate ourselves while doing this in winter.

Today, before the impending snow storm, Eva and I opted to take all of the curtains, bedding and animal beds and stuff to the laundromat.

The Modernity of the Laundromat

So, I haven’t gone to the laundromat in 20+ years– even our apartments either had a laundry room or a washer/dryer hookup. But I have retained the habit of collecting “sacred laundry quarters” for parking, Aldi, tolls, emergencies like a cup of cheap coffee.

I know of at least three laundromats within a half-mile of my house and I googled them. I decided on So Fresh N So Clean for its location across from Wawa and Home Depot and between the former salon where my favorite nail tech used to work and Papa John’s pizza in the old health food store.

I expected, thanks to the web site, that there was wifi and that I could pay for my wash with my quarters or digital options or use the change machine to get more quarters. But I did not anticipate the app. The app attempted to tell me what washers and dryers were free and texted me when my laundry was almost done.

Fitness update

I have completed SIX workouts as part of the St. Luke’s Thrive medical fitness program with trainer Alex who will be starting his Ph.D. program in physical therapy this summer. I have attended and completed one boot camp workout at Apex Training, the gym where I trained regularly from Summer 2020 to March 2024.

I have tried to start taking my supplements again: multivitamin, calcium + D, iron, and zinc. I have increased my daily step goal AND my dosages of my muscle relaxer.

Hopefully soon I will start using my home gym, see some consistent weight loss, and start taking the dog for a walk regularly.

And now, for the past week, I have struggled to keep my blood pressure UP.

I met Alex at the gym today for a 7 a.m. workout. He had the early shift so he started at 5 a.m. and I had my butt on the treadmill by 6:45 a.m. We did a pull workout today. I didn’t have as much flexibility as I do later in the day but for the first time in a week I am looser and more mobile after the workout. Typically, I am sore and achy and want to sleep for a week.

The push workouts hit me harder than the pull workouts.

Alex thinks we’ve hit the muscle memory plateau– he’s commented during my last couple workouts that I have jumped weights amazingly fast, that he has never seen someone progress that quickly. I tried to warn him, but I guess seeing it with his own eyes still impressed him. But now we’re getting in the neighborhood of my old weights and he’s seeing me struggle more.

It’s a riot that I can do bicep curls with 15 pounds on each arm but I’ll want to cry if I have to walk across the room with a resistance band around my thighs. Ah, the dichotomy of diplegia spastic cerebral palsy.

But I have also noticed that A. There is a lot of people hanging out at the gym early in the morning and B. There are some old ladies lifting HEAVY weights. Good for them! Go, Ladies!

I’m thinking more and more about long-term habits and choices and how I will keep myself engaged.

Stairs make me cry

The hardest part about any health or fitness journey is forming better habits. The exercise isn’t hard. Taking your medicine or vitamins isn’t hard. Heck, if you have a balance of choices in your house, healthy eating isn’t hard.

Fighting with your bad habits is hard. Discipline is hard. Showing up is hard.

Once you walk in the door, going to the gym isn’t hard. Once you have a plan and get the ingredients out of the refrigerator, meal prep isn’t hard.

But change, change is damn hard.

I had two workouts this week with Alex at the Thrive Medical Fitness program at St. Luke’s Hospital. My first was Wednesday, and my second was Friday. I felt good after my first, but man oh man did my body hurt after the second one.

My next workout isn’t until Tuesday afternoon, so I found myself thinking that in order to maintain momentum I should do something today (Sunday). Because at this stage in the game any action that helps reinforce a consistent change in behavior is necessary.

So I contacted Greg at Apex Training and asked if he was hosting his Sunday morning boot camp at 8:30 a.m. The boot camp is drop-in and costs $10. I have never attended one of Greg’s boot camp programs, because I typically spent Saturday morning at the gym with Andrew. And a body needs a chance to recover.

Of course, Greg basically told me to get my ass over there, and so I did. What I love about my time at Apex is that all of the guys and all of the regulars are genuinely enthusiastic and helpful, and we’re all a tad sadomasochistic, which is of course part of what makes us successful. Plus the gym is a slow ten-minute walk from my house. The walk there and back is my warm-up and cool-down.

You see, even if I got to the gym this morning, did one set of exercises and left, it would have been a win. Because the goal was to get up, go out in the cold, and walk over. Once you achieve that mental hurtle, the rest is easy. At this point, I want to encourage myself to do something every other day and to increase my steps, not because of my steps per se, but for heart/cardio health.

And I know some people will use exercise as a reason to “reward” themselves with “cheat” or “treat” foods– but I’m the opposite. If I’m working out, I’m more prone to not sabotage my progress.

And, because I’m stubborn, I survived Greg’s workout.

But the way my body feels, I’m already struggling to get up the stairs.

But that’s how it works.