Tanya Valentin's Blog, page 8

Unlearning Lesson Six – Difficult Relationships

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Do you have relationships with other people in your life that emotionally trigger you?

Whether it is a parent, partner, sibling, friend, co-worker or even your child, every time you speak to or interact with this person it just sets you off!

You feel angry, frustrated and tearful after every interaction with them.

Perhaps you think – “Why do I even bother?”, “They are so stubborn!” or “Why are they being like this?”.

In this latest episode of My Great Big Midlife Unlearning:I explore the beliefs and thoughts that may cause you to become triggered by your relationships.I share the go-to framework that I use to help me to make sense of and reframe conflict and challenging interactions with others into learning opportunities.A recent unlearning that I had to do when someone emotionally triggered me.

Find out how you can use this framework to examine what is going on for you in your relationships so that you can have a more connected relationship with yourself and others.

To find out more or to take me up on my special offer to join The Feminine School of Unlearning – CLICK HERE

Message me on Instagram or Facebook @tanyavalentinnz

The post Unlearning Lesson Six – Difficult Relationships appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

Unlearning Lesson Five – Learning To Let My Children Go

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As a mum, do you feel it is your responsibility to fix all your children’s problems and shield them from heartbreak?  

Do you take on all of their worries as if they are your own?

Do you struggle with the need to control them and their lives and find it difficult to let go?

Me too!

In today’s episode: I share the story of how my daughter turning 18 stirred up strong feelings and beliefs in me. I explore the unlearning lessons that were highlighted for me through this experience.I uncover the Mother Archetype and the shadow of the Mother, the Selfless Mother and her three core beliefs that I find challenging during this season of motherhood.Discover if you have any of these common Selfless Mother beliefs!

To read all about the Mother Archetype and to learn about how she is instrumental in creating the shadow self read my latest blog in my Archetype Series.  CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE

To find out more or to take me up on my special offer to join The Feminine School of Unlearning – CLICK HERE

Message me on Instagram or Facebook @tanyavalentinnz

The post Unlearning Lesson Five – Learning To Let My Children Go appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

Are You Still Carrying Your Mother’s Wounds? The Mother Archetype

In this second blog in my series on the intriguing and insightful Feminine Archetypes, I explore the Mother Archetype, her Shadow Archetype, The Selfless Mother and Mother Wounds. I also lift the veil on how The Selfless Mother can cause a fracture in the Maiden Archetype – creating the Shadow Self.

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

To read my previous blog in this series where I explore the Maiden Archetype CLICK HERE to learn all about her.

The Mother is nurturing, abundant, and generous. She is a natural caretaker who is gentle, and compassionate, and she lives to care for and support others. The Mother is bursting with fertility, and she has the maternal drive to provide for her loved ones. When we embody the Mother Archetype we embrace motherhood, give birth to and nurture children. You could give birth to and nurture ‘idea children’, a new business venture, or put your love and attention into a creative project. This can mean sustaining what you’ve already created. Mothers enjoy looking after other family members, friends, and pets.

The strengths of the Mother Archetype are her persistence, her sense of duty and responsibility, her nurturing nature, and her grounded and compassionate nature. A Mother loves to create with her hands. She ensures that everyone is well taken care of.

To find out more about Feminine Archetypes Buy My Book When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains.

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

Embodying the Mother Archetype could refer to connecting to and caring for our collective ‘mother’ – mother earth. Mothers are the keepers of the natural cycles. They are deeply connected to the cycles of their own bodies.

Representations Of The Mother Archetype In Our Culture

Some of the modern representations of the Mother Archetype in our modern culture are the Madonna, Mrs Weasley from Harry Potter and Lady Elinor in Brave. Maternal figures who are nurturing, compassionate, responsible, protective and giving.

Modern culture tends to idealise mothers as being ‘selfless’. Although, there has been a bit of a shift in modern movies for children, to view mothers as supportive, caring and independent, capable and fierce.

Photo by Alexander Kuzmin on Pexels.com

The classical representation of the Mother Archetype is the Goddess, Demeter, as mentioned in the story of Persephone in my blog on the Maiden Archetype. However, other Goddesses from other cultures represent the Mother too, especially in relation to mother earth. These Goddesses are Gaia, Pachamama, Prithvi, Isis, and Papatuanuku.

The Selfless Mother Archetype

The Shadow Mother Archetype, the Selfless Mother tends to overgive. She lacks boundaries, seeks to control, and is prone to co-dependency. She neglects herself and can experience a loss of self. A Selfless Mother can tend to take on everyone else’s problems as if they are her own. She can feel the responsibility to ‘fix’ these weighing heavily on her.

Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.

Glennon Doyle

The Selfless Mother seeks to control others around her. Like the Shadow Maiden, Shadow Mothers can be extremely concerned about the judgement of others around her.

This tendency is mirrored in how we ‘mother’ others in our work and social environments. The Selfless Mother can struggle greatly to let her children grow up and/or allow others to take care of her physical or metaphorical children.

Many women identify strongly with the Selfless Mother Archetype, especially during our ‘mothering’ years. Our inability to ‘mother’ ourselves or to heal our Mother Wounds can interfere with our ability to fully embrace the Mother Archetype’s nurturing energy for ourselves and in our relationships. We risk passing this as a ‘Mother Wound’ to our children.

The Beliefs Of The Selfless Mother

As mentioned above, it’s natural for the Mother Archetype to be giving in nature and extremely emotionally available.

If we over-identify with the Selfless Mother, there is a chance that we will neglect our own needs, deplete our energy and lose our own identity. We judge ourselves harshly and base our worth on the roles we play for others. Selfless Mothers find self-love and self-nurturing challenging. They may need to learn how to use some of the mothering energy they give to others and use it for mothering themselves.

Selfless Mothers believe that they must fix every problem for their children and provide them with the ‘perfect’ childhood. They strive to protect their children from all heartache, discomfort and pain in order to be seen as a ‘good mother’. Because Selfless Mothers feel judged by other Mothers they believe that their family must be perfect in order to prove what a good job they are doing as a Mother.

Selfless Mothers often equate their worth with how much they do for others or how productive they are. This can be the root cause of their overgiving nature.

A Selfless Mother often believes that everyone should treat her the way that she treats them and when they don’t she becomes upset, depressed and resentful.

Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.comMother Wounds

A Mother Wound is a wound passed to us from our mother. It is a way that our mother was mothered and/or wounded by her mother or by her culture’s expectation of what defines a ‘good mother’. Mother wounds are passed from generation to generation.

Mother Wounds that need healing in the Selfless Mother Archetype:

The Selfless Mother Wound – You were ‘mothered’ by another Selfless Mother who lacked boundaries. She modelled selflessness as the ideal that all ‘good mothers’ should strive for.The Distant/ Absent Mother Wound – You were mothered by a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable. This caused so much pain that you now strive to be the opposite for your children.The ‘Child-Mother’ Wound – You were mothered by a mother who needed you to emotionally parent HER. Or you were expected to be the primary caregiver for younger siblings.The ‘Unnamed Maiden’ Mother Wound – You did not develop a sense of self due to a mother who did not see or hear you and instead tried to mould and shape you into who she thought you should be.The ‘Unlived Mother’ Mother Wound – Your mother gave up her life and dreams to be a mother to you. She constantly reminds you how much she sacrificed for you and you must do the same for your children or to live out her dreams for her because she has lived for you.How The Mother/Maiden Co-Dependency Fracture Causes The Shadow Self

The Shadow Mother and Shadow Maiden Archetypes can have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. It is the nature of Maidens to want to grow up, go on adventures, and explore their innate curiosity. It is the Shadow Mother’s nature to over-protect and to want to control the Maiden.

The Maiden wants to be loved and accepted by the Mother. She senses that she will lose this love and acceptance if she grows up and changes. The Maiden, in turn, stunts her growth and stays small and obedient to continue to receive the warm glow of approval from the Mother.

This occurs in our external relationships between mothers and daughter(s). This is also mirrored in our internal relationship between these two Archetypes.

This causes a fracture in our Maiden self. A splitting occurs of our ‘light’ acceptable parts from our ‘dark’ ‘unlovable’ attributes. This causes the disconnection from and disowning of our dark ‘Shadow Self’.

The fracture and disowning and alienation of our Shadow Self, causes a war inside of us and leads us down the path to self-loathing, struggle, and suffering. The self-abandonment of this fracture causes us to act against our intuition, numb and repress our emotions, and repeat self-protective behaviours. Which ultimately leads us to feel stuck, alone, anxious and depressed.

The Healing Journey

The good news for Mothers is that we can do the work to become aware of and heal our own Mother Wounds.

When we do the necessary healing and Shadow Work, we heal and clear centuries of generational trauma and break the cycle for ourselves and our children. When we as mothers work on ourselves and pursue our dreams we normalise personal growth and success for our children. Our wounds, or mother’s wounds, her mother’s mother’s wounds do not need to be our daughter’s wounds.

A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem.

Naomi Wolf

Are you the cycle breaker in your family?

If you are ready to do the work to heal your own Mother Wounds, then book a FREE Clarity Session with me.

As a Women’s Midlife Mentor, I support you to heal old Mother Wounds and unlearn beliefs, behaviours and stories so that you can reconnect with, love and trust the woman you truly are.

BOOK YOUR CLARITY SESSION HERE

The post Are You Still Carrying Your Mother’s Wounds? The Mother Archetype appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Are You The Mother Archetype?

In this second blog in my series on the intriguing and insightful Feminine Archetypes, I explore the Mother Archetype, her Shadow Archetype, The Selfless Mother and Mother Wounds. I also lift the veil on how The Selfless Mother can cause a fracture in the Maiden Archetype – creating the Shadow Self.

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

To read my previous blog in this series where I explore the Maiden Archetype CLICK HERE to learn all about her.

The Mother is nurturing, abundant, and generous. She is a natural caretaker who is gentle, and compassionate, and she lives to care for and support others. The Mother is bursting with fertility, and she has the maternal drive to provide for her loved ones. When we embody the Mother Archetype we embrace motherhood, give birth to and nurture children. You could give birth to and nurture ‘idea children’, a new business venture, or put your love and attention into a creative project. This can mean sustaining what you’ve already created. Mothers enjoy looking after other family members, friends, and pets.

The strengths of the Mother Archetype are her persistence, her sense of duty and responsibility, her nurturing nature, and her grounded and compassionate nature. A Mother loves to create with her hands. She ensures that everyone is well taken care of.

To find out more about Feminine Archetypes Buy My Book When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains.

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

Embodying the Mother Archetype could refer to connecting to and caring for our collective ‘mother’ – mother earth. Mothers are the keepers of the natural cycles. They are deeply connected to the cycles of their own bodies.

Representations Of The Mother Archetype In Our Culture

Some of the modern representations of the Mother Archetype in our modern culture are the Madonna, Mrs Weasley from Harry Potter and Lady Elinor in Brave. Maternal figures who are nurturing, compassionate, responsible, protective and giving.

Modern culture tends to idealise mothers as being ‘selfless’. Although, there has been a bit of a shift in modern movies for children, to view mothers as supportive, caring and independent, capable and fierce.

Photo by Alexander Kuzmin on Pexels.com

The classical representation of the Mother Archetype is the Goddess, Demeter, as mentioned in the story of Persephone in my blog on the Maiden Archetype. However, other Goddesses from other cultures represent the Mother too, especially in relation to mother earth. These Goddesses are Gaia, Pachamama, Prithvi, Isis, and Papatuanuku.

The Selfless Mother Archetype

The Shadow Mother Archetype, the Selfless Mother tends to overgive. She lacks boundaries, seeks to control, and is prone to co-dependency. She neglects herself and can experience a loss of self. A Selfless Mother can tend to take on everyone else’s problems as if they are her own. She can feel the responsibility to ‘fix’ these weighing heavily on her.

Mothers have martyred themselves in their children’s names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist.

Glennon Doyle

The Selfless Mother seeks to control others around her. Like the Shadow Maiden, Shadow Mothers can be extremely concerned about the judgement of others around her.

This tendency is mirrored in how we ‘mother’ others in our work and social environments. The Selfless Mother can struggle greatly to let her children grow up and/or allow others to take care of her physical or metaphorical children. To hear about my experience with the Selfless Mother Archetype listen to my podcast HERE.

Many women identify strongly with the Selfless Mother Archetype, especially during our ‘mothering’ years.

Our inability to ‘mother’ ourselves or to heal our Mother Wounds can interfere with our ability to fully embrace the Mother Archetype’s nurturing energy for ourselves and in our relationships. We risk passing this as a ‘Mother Wound’ to our children.

The Beliefs Of The Selfless Mother

As mentioned above, it’s natural for the Mother Archetype to be giving in nature and extremely emotionally available.

If we over-identify with the Selfless Mother, there is a chance that we will neglect our own needs, deplete our energy and lose our own identity. We judge ourselves harshly and base our worth on the roles we play for others. Selfless Mothers find self-love and self-nurturing challenging. They may need to learn how to use some of the mothering energy they give to others and use it for mothering themselves.

Selfless Mothers believe that they must fix every problem for their children and provide them with the ‘perfect’ childhood. They strive to protect their children from all heartache, discomfort and pain in order to be seen as a ‘good mother’. Because Selfless Mothers feel judged by other Mothers they believe that their family must be perfect in order to prove what a good job they are doing as a Mother.

Selfless Mothers often equate their worth with how much they do for others or how productive they are. This can be the root cause of their overgiving nature.

A Selfless Mother often believes that everyone should treat her the way that she treats them and when they don’t she becomes upset, depressed and resentful.

Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.comMother Wounds

A Mother Wound is a wound passed to us from our mother. It is a way that our mother was mothered and/or wounded by her mother or by her culture’s expectation of what defines a ‘good mother’. Mother wounds are passed from generation to generation.

Mother Wounds that need healing in the Selfless Mother Archetype:

The Selfless Mother Wound – You were ‘mothered’ by another Selfless Mother who lacked boundaries. She modelled selflessness as the ideal that all ‘good mothers’ should strive for.The Distant/ Absent Mother Wound – You were mothered by a mother who was emotionally or physically unavailable. This caused so much pain that you now strive to be the opposite for your children.The ‘Child-Mother’ Wound – You were mothered by a mother who needed you to emotionally parent HER. Or you were expected to be the primary caregiver for younger siblings.The ‘Unnamed Maiden’ Mother Wound – You did not develop a sense of self due to a mother who did not see or hear you and instead tried to mould and shape you into who she thought you should be.The ‘Unlived Mother’ Mother Wound – Your mother gave up her life and dreams to be a mother to you. She constantly reminds you how much she sacrificed for you and you must do the same for your children or to live out her dreams for her because she has lived for you.How The Mother/Maiden Co-Dependency Fracture Causes The Shadow Self

The Shadow Mother and Shadow Maiden Archetypes can have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. It is the nature of Maidens to want to grow up, go on adventures, and explore their innate curiosity. It is the Shadow Mother’s nature to over-protect and to want to control the Maiden.

The Maiden wants to be loved and accepted by the Mother. She senses that she will lose this love and acceptance if she grows up and changes. The Maiden, in turn, stunts her growth and stays small and obedient to continue to receive the warm glow of approval from the Mother.

This occurs in our external relationships between mothers and daughter(s). This is also mirrored in our internal relationship between these two Archetypes.

This causes a fracture in our Maiden self. A splitting occurs of our ‘light’ acceptable parts from our ‘dark’ ‘unlovable’ attributes. This causes the disconnection from and disowning of our dark ‘Shadow Self’.

The fracture and disowning and alienation of our Shadow Self, causes a war inside of us and leads us down the path to self-loathing, struggle, and suffering. The self-abandonment of this fracture causes us to act against our intuition, numb and repress our emotions, and repeat self-protective behaviours. Which ultimately leads us to feel stuck, alone, anxious and depressed.

The Healing Journey

The good news for Mothers is that we can do the work to become aware of and heal our own Mother Wounds.

When we do the necessary healing and Shadow Work, we heal and clear centuries of generational trauma and break the cycle for ourselves and our children. When we as mothers work on ourselves and pursue our dreams we normalise personal growth and success for our children. Our wounds, or mother’s wounds, her mother’s mother’s wounds do not need to be our daughter’s wounds.

A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem.

Naomi Wolf

Are you the cycle breaker in your family?

If you are ready to do the work to heal your own Mother Wounds, join us at The Feminine School of Unlearning.

A community for Soul-Led, Midlife Women who are awakening spiritually and are on a mission to support each other to unlearn beliefs and behaviours that no longer serve us so that we can discover what it means to be the Queen of our own lives.

Join us HERE

The post Are You The Mother Archetype? appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

Unlearning Lesson Four – The ‘White Lies’ of Childhood

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We all have all told them, innocent-seeming ‘white lies’.  

Some of these ‘white lies’ have originated from us.  

And some ‘white lies’ have been passed to us by our parents and we unthinkingly pass them to our children. It seems like such a natural process ‘a family tradition’ almost, that it doesn’t even occur to us that we have a choice in the matter.  

These ‘lies’ seem so innocent that we really don’t question whether they are right or wrong or what the long term effects of telling them will be.

Today, I am stirring up a bit of controversy with Easter coming up. 

I am questioning whether or not we should be encouraging our children to believe in mythical holiday characters such as Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. However, this could be applied to any untruth we tell our kids really.

Join me for the discussion where I will be chatting about:

The Maiden Archetype and who she is.My experiences as a mother who did encourage her children to believe in the Easter Bunny.How the finding out of my ‘white lies’ affected my children and how they found out.What I would have done differently.

What is your take on this?  Send me a message @tanyavalentinnz (Instagram and Facebook)

To read more about The Maiden Archetype in my blog CLICK HERE.

To take me up on my FREE trial for The Feminine School of Unlearning CLICK HERE

The post Unlearning Lesson Four – The ‘White Lies’ of Childhood appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

The Maiden Archetype

Photo by Alexander Taranenko on Pexels.com

The Maiden Archetype is one of the beautiful and powerful 7 Feminine Archetypes.

In my work as a Midlife Mentor for Moms, one of the modalities that I use with my clients is Archetype work. Archetype Work is one of the six pillars of my AWAKEN Mentoring Framework.

Archetype work is so powerful because (much like metaphors) it helps us to become aware of truths about ourselves which we respond to at a deep inner level. We don’t see ourselves objectively and we are often unaware of the unconscious parts of our personality which can become a blind spot. This is often referred to as our ‘shadow self’. As this part of ourselves is hidden, it is difficult for us to see how our own thoughts, beliefs and behaviours are holding us back in life. This leads us to live on autopilot, blame others for our misfortunes and stay in a continuous state of feeling stuck and confused.

What we learn from Archetypes and Shadow Archetypes, we can use to bring awareness to our own beliefs and behaviours. We can make a conscious choice to shine a light on our shadow parts which need our healing attention.

Throughout this blog series, I will be exploring all 7 Feminine Archetypes individually, starting with the Maiden Archetype, the important often underestimated and extremely influential first Archetype of our child self.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.comWho Is The Maiden Archetype?

The Maiden is youthful, enthusiastic and excited about life. Infused with the optimism of youth, she is energised and ready to take on the world. The Maiden has carefree energy and is extremely trusting, receptive, curious, playful, and full of wonder. She is uninitiated and childlike and there is a sense of naivety and innocence about her. The Maiden lacks life experience and is not yet jaded by the learning injuries of many lessons.

The Maiden Archetype represents our receptiveness as women and being open to new ideas.

An “untouched” or uninitiated Maiden, has not yet been corrupted by the world around her. She is creative and imaginative and connected to her spiritual wildness. The Maiden is deeply connected to her emotions, her needs, and who she is truly is at her essence.

Just think of a young girl observed through the lens of the Emily Bronte quote,

I wish I were a girl again, half-savage and hardy and free.

Emily Bronte

Authentic Maidenhood is crystallised between 8-10 years old according to Harvard Psychologist, Emily Hancock. If a Maiden is not able to do this for herself she ‘ages’ out of her wildness at the start of puberty. At this stage, girls typically feel the pressure of the ‘female role’ and move into the Shadow Maiden Archetype, The Unnamed Maiden.

Read all about the how the Maiden and the other Archetypes influence a woman throughout her life HERERepresentations Of The Maiden Archetype

Common representations of the Maiden Archetype in popular culture are the early fairytale princesses. ‘Damsels in distress’ waiting for the prince on his white horse to come and save her.

Examples of this are Cinderella, Belle, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Brooke Shields’s character in the classic movie, The Blue Lagoon is a great example of the Maiden Archetype.

The Maiden’s greatest strengths are her empathy, optimism, creativity, and open receptiveness. The healthy embodiment of the Maiden’s energy can represent the thrill of adventure, being open to new ideas, or starting something new. A mature Maiden is compassionate, creative, spiritual, and endowed with deep reservoirs of inner strength.

The Maiden Archetype is generally connected to the Greek Goddess Persephone and her many representations including Kore; ‘Maiden’.

Photo by Ana Priscila Liberal on Pexels.comThe Unnamed Maiden Archetype

The Shadow Archetype, the ‘Unnamed’ Maiden does not know who she is. This means that she is extremely impressionable, malleable, and easily shaped by those around her. The shadowed side of the Maiden tends to be obedient, co-dependent, and a people-pleaser. As the Unnamed Maiden often lives in a fantasy world, she is extremely trusting and does it blindly where she often gets hurt because of her naivety.

To the Unnamed Maiden, fitting in is a priority. She will change anything and everything about herself to be liked and accepted by others. The Unnamed Maiden finds it difficult to set personal boundaries. This leaves a gateway for others to use her or walk all over her as she has a hard time saying ‘no’. She often abdicates all decision making to others. She is easily led into relationships with unhealthy power dynamics where she is abused.

When under the influence of the Unnamed Maiden, a woman casts herself as a victim. She can feel ‘powerless’ to change her life or circumstance. She is waiting for someone else’s permission or ‘a prince on a white horse’ – someone or something outside of herself to come along to save or fix her.

One way to know that we fall into this is when we find ourselves pinning our successes or happiness on a person or an outcome, outside of us. We may find ourselves thinking, ‘When I lose the weight… meet the right person… (fill in the blank) … then I will be ‘happy’.

We blame others for our misfortune and feel ‘not enough’ in some way.

Want to know more about the Maiden Archetype and the other Feminine Archetypes? Buy my book, When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains HEREMaiden Culture

Our society is obsessed with ‘maiden culture’. The pressure that women feel to portray a certain ‘mould’, to be ‘young enough’, ‘thin enough’, ‘pretty enough’, has always been prevalent. It is something that continues to grow along with social media. These platforms with their unrealistic, ‘fairytale’ view of life and their many filters to help us ‘fit in’. These are just another trap to ‘unname’ us and keep us small.

Our obsession with ‘maiden culture’ comes at a huge price to humanity. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, body dysmorphia and suicide rates continue to rise especially in our teen girls.

‘Maiden culture’ affects all women and our relationships with ourselves and with others. If we have unhealed ‘maiden wounds’ (woundings we received when we were young and in our Maiden state) this can affect us in so many ways. ‘Maiden wounds’ can influence how we mother, our relationship with sex and intimacy as well as our relationship with leadership, success and money.

Woundings to our Maiden self, significantly influence our capacity for self-compassion and self-love which affects our self-confidence.

When we have a Wounded Maiden as a Shadow Archetype, this will determine how we view and treat our bodies as well as how accepting we are of aging.

Photo by Argie Padilla Yañez on Pexels.comThe Queen Of The Underworld

Persephone, the Greek goddess of spring, was the daughter of Zeus and Demeter. Legend has it, that she was abducted by Hades who was in love with the maiden, while she was out gathering flowers with her friends. Hades’s abduction of Persephone was committed with the permission of her father Zeus. Her mother Demeter, was not consulted.

Upon the discovery that her daughter was missing, Demeter scoured the ends of the earth trying to find her. She was unable to find Persephone. Grief-stricken, Demeter (the goddess of the harvest) neglected the earth and nothing grew due to her despair. When she eventually heard what had happened from Helios, the Sun, enraged, Demeter demanded that Zeus return Persephone to her.

Zeus did not comply immediately. He was eventually persuaded to change his mind when pressured by the angry cries of hungry people and other deities. Zeus forced Hades to return Persephone to her mother. Hades complied but first he ‘tricked’ Persephone to eat the seeds of a pomegranate. With this action, Persephone was obligated to spend half of the year with her mother and the other half of the year with Hades as The Queen of the Underworld.

Decoding The Rape Of Persephone

There are many ways to interpret this story which is rich in symbolism.

The Maiden, Persephone is bargained for without her consent, between her father and her would-be husband. A practice that is still so prevalent in many cultures today.

Demeter is ‘powerless’ to get her daughter back and has to employ ‘passive-aggressive’ methods to be taken seriously by her husband. This represents the powerlessness that many women feel in a male-dominated culture. This further highlights how women manipulate and withhold in order to get what they want.

The tasting of the food of the underworld is symbolic of sex and sin. It hints at the duality of a woman’s nature. The eating of a red pomegranate symbolises our journey from being premenstrual girls to becoming women after our first menstrual bleed. This also represented the exchange of wisdom that is handed down to us through this transition.

In many versions of the story Persophone, it is claimed that she was ‘tricked’ to eat the pomegranate seeds. There are some schools of thought that believe that she did this consciously as an act of rebellion to escape her mother and her overbearing nature. Many classics scholars believe that Persephone was having a great time in the underworld and didn’t want to go back to ‘mummy dearest’. This can represent the natural ‘pulling away’ of a daughter in her adolescent years from her mother.

The abduction into the underworld of Persephone and her ‘rape’ symbolises the fracture we create in childhood of our personality. We learn to value and show others our ‘light’ acceptable parts to please our parents and other influential figures in our lives and banish our ‘darker’ less loveable shadow parts into the darkness of our subconscious.

This story represents a woman’s life journey from ‘asleep’ Maiden to a Queen. A powerful Queen of the Underworld capable of befriending her shadows, integrating their lessons and acting as a guide to other Maidens being initiated into shadow work for the first time.

Photo by Tuấn Kiệt Jr. on Pexels.comMaiden Wounds

Shadow work is a process of bringing gentle awareness to the unloved, unwanted bits of ourselves, healing and lovingly accepting and integrating our shadow as part of us. Women, especially in midlife, feel the pull to go back to the places they stopped loving themselves and to heal old woundings to their Maiden self.

Some of the ‘maiden wounds’ that many Unnamed Maidens need to heal are:

Having your reality denied by your parents or caregivers.Being shaped and moulded to ‘fit in’.Learning ‘chronic obedience’ and conforming to be accepted, liked or loved.Having your voice taken from you, because girls are meant to be ‘seen and not heard’.Learning to feel fearful of anger or having no ‘safe’ way to object or navigate confrontation.Been made to feel powerless and ‘victim-like’ or that you needed a ‘prince’ to save you.Learning and repeating ‘self-protective’ behaviours which cause you to stay small and invisible so that you will be ‘safe’.Being treated like ‘property’, with no or very little say in how decisions about you are made.

Many of these unhealed ‘maiden wounds’ are unconsciously passed from mother to daughter as ‘mother wounds’, a topic I will be exploring in my next blog in this series.

Does this list of maiden wounds resonate with you?Do you identify with The Maiden Archetype or the Unnamed Maiden Archetype?Are you ready to start the healing process for yourself and for your children?Join The Feminine School Of UnlearningBook a FREE Clarity Call With Tanya.

The post The Maiden Archetype appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

What Is The AWAKEN Mentoring Framework?

If you are familiar with my work. If you have read my book When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains then you would have heard me mention my AWAKEN Mentoring Framework. My AWAKEN Mentoring Framework contains the steps that I believe are necessary for us as women to be initiated into in order to truly reconnect with who we are at our purest essence. Each letter in the word AWAKEN represents a step or a pillar. I use these pillars to inform my work as a Midlife Mentor. I use the AWAKEN Mentoring Framework to support the women I work with in my online community, The Feminine School of Unlearning.

Join The Feminine School of Unlearning and get your first month for FREE Here Are The Five Pillars Of The AWAKEN Mentoring FrameworkA – Archetypes and Awareness

At the beginning of our healing journey, we contain so many parts of ourselves that are hidden from us. Before we can start to heal, or ‘unlearn’ we must first become aware of our beliefs and our shadows. When we do this we can explore and decern what is working for us. And we can uncover the things that we would like to let go of and release.

W – Wild

Most women have been ‘tamed’ or domesticated in some way. This ‘taming’ led us to disconnect from our true selves.  One of the first steps we need to take is to ‘rewild’ ourselves.

At The Feminine School to Unlearning, the definition of a Wild Woman, is a woman comfortable in her own skin, connected to who she is. She trusts her instincts and intuition and lives her life consciously on her own terms.

By the time most women find our community they are in their Feral Wild Woman state.  A Feral Wild Woman is a woman who used to be wild, was tamed in some way and is once again free. However, due to her domestication, she has lost her connection with her natural instincts and intuition. In this state, a Feral Wild Woman is vulnerable and easily led back into being trapped or made a victim again.  Unsure what to do with her newfound wildness she may be led to substance abuse, unhealthy relationships or destructive behaviours.

The Feminine School of Unlearning is a safe place for a Feral Wild Woman to explore what is important to her.  

In the Wild pillar, we do the important shadow work and necessary healing to enable us to trust ourselves and our wildness.

A – Authentic Self

This is the pillar where we practice self-acceptance, self-love and self-forgiveness. We really get to know who we are and embrace and love ourselves.  As we learn how to do this for ourselves, we discover new ways to set important boundaries. And we begin to feel safe to be seen by others as the beautiful, sovereign Queen of our own lives.

K – Knowing Self

In the Knowing Self pillar, we tune into and listen to our inner guidance system. Through our understanding of our own unique energy and our innate values, we learn to trust and consider ourselves. In this pillar, we learn to trust and rely on our instincts and intuition as our primary compass in life.

E – Empowered Self

In the Empowered Self pillar, we learn skills and tools that empower us to make conscious decisions for ourselves and our lives.  The Empowered Self pillar is the domain of the Queen Archetype. In this pillar, The Queen represents the mastery of empowerment.

N – Normalisation

Normalisation is the final pillar. When it comes to a healing journey we cannot always be in growth mode.  We need time to reflect and decern for ourselves as to what fits with us. It is vital for us to give ourselves the space to integrate and embody what we have learned in a meaningful way.  

If you would like to discover for yourself how the AWAKEN Mentoring Framework could apply to you and your life then book a FREE Clarity Call with Tanya.

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What Is Shadow Work And How To Do It?

The concept of shadow work and the shadow self was first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. According to Jung, our shadow consists of all the unconscious parts of our personality.

Although it sounds ominous and scary, our shadow is simply our blind spot. It can represent woundings, emotional baggage, or the ways that we self-sabotage and self-protect. Our shadow contains everything about ourselves that we cannot see about ourselves and things we don’t want to admit to having to others. Instead, we bury this part of us.

When we are unconscious of our shadow self we operate out of our shadow beliefs. We project our emotions onto others and repeat destructive behaviours and are out of sync with who we would like to be in the world.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

Carl Jung

You may experience this as feeling stuck and as an inability to create positive change in your life. You may find yourself feeling emotionally triggered and in reactive mode a lot of the time. Or you may feel ‘numbed down’ as every moment is melded into one. You may feel incapable of feeling or expressing certain emotions. Shadow work is a process of bringing gentle awareness to these unloved, unwanted bits of ourselves, healing and lovingly accepting and integrating our shadow as part of us.

How Is The Shadow Self Created?

Our shadow self is created when we are in our Maiden state, young, naive and mouldable. Through our relationship with our primary caregivers, we quickly learn how we need to be in this world to win love and acceptance. We also learn about the parts of ourselves that are not acceptable, or lovable through punishment and disapproval. This becomes our shadow self – unloved, disowned bits of ourselves that are banished to the dark recesses of our subconscious.

Our Shadow Teachers

When someone triggers our shadow self we can feel threatened, become reactive and project our emotions onto others. Because we are largely unaware of our shadow we are often triggered by similar beliefs or behaviours when these are mirrored to us by another person. This is our shadow teacher.

Our shadow teacher highlights in us unhealed or hidden parts of ourselves that need our love, healing and acceptance.

Shadow teachers can also be movies, songs, metaphors and shadow archetypes. As midlife moms, our children, especially in their teen years are excellent shadow teachers. As they grow into adulthood, our children reflect to us, unhealed childhood hurts, mother wounds and generational trauma that we now have the opportunity to reparent ourselves through.

Shadow Archetypes

According to Jung, “Archetypes are universal and instinctive models or personas that influence human behaviour.”

Since ancient times, archetypes have been used as a teaching tool. Much like a metaphor, archetypes communicate certain truths to which we respond at a deep inner level.

When we are in our shadow self, we may be in the repressed, wounded, or unintegrated form of the feminine archetypes. Whenever we encounter a feeling of being lost or trapped, it is generally because we are living in the wound or the shadow of these powerful feminine energies. Shadow archetypes reflect to us disempowering behaviour patterns that we repeat but are most times unaware of.

In my EBOOK The 19 Feminine Archetypes, I explore these Shadow Feminine Archetypes and how they may be influencing you in your life.

How To Do Shadow WorkCreate Awareness About Your Shadow Self

The first step in doing shadow work is by becoming aware of your shadow self. Spend some time ‘checking in’ on yourself and your emotional reactions.

Ask yourself “what triggered this feeling or behaviour and why did I feel this way?“

Another clue is in the behaviours you repeat. These are often things that we really would like to change, but we just can’t seem to. (Even if we try really hard to).

Challenge Your Mindset About Shadow Work

One of the first hurdles to doing the work required to heal ourselves and to begin to make conscious choices about ourselves is our fear of shadow work. Now you may not consciously call it a ‘fear of shadow work’. However, most of us have been taught on some level to fear the dark, the shadows. We may have been warned that it is better to let ‘sleeping dogs lie’. Because our shadow self represents how we were rejected by others, this can bring up feelings of deep shame and fear of rejection.

The second step in shadow work requires us to challenge what we usually do on default mode. We are invited to turn toward the source of our discomfort. To turn toward the painful reflection that our shadow teachers are showing us. And for us to see this as a valuable time for excavation, uncovering and treasure hunting, instead of something to dread or avoid.

The cave I fear to enter holds the treasure that I seek.

Joseph Cambell

Photo by Jens on Pexels.comDiscover Your Shadow Archetypes

As discussed earlier in this blog, Shadow Archetypes are an excellent way for us to learn about ourselves. Shadow Archetypes, highlight to us how we hold ourselves back, and repeat the same destructive behaviours.

You Can Discover Your Shadow Archetypes HERE.Uncover Your Limiting Beliefs

When our shadow selves were formed we also adopted a set of beliefs about ourselves and how we fit in the world. So many of us carry around a long list of ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ that are not only extremely rigid but don’t serve us very well.

It is up to us to uncover our beliefs and make these conscious. This then gives us the choice to keep the beliefs that still fit with us and our values, or to ‘unlearn’ and release the beliefs that no longer are aligned with who we would like to be.

If you find uncovering your beliefs challenging, or you would like support with exploring your limiting beliefs and how they are keeping you from the life you deserve, then Breakthrough Transformation Mentoring may be the right fit for you.

CLICK HERE TO EXPLORE BREAKTHROUGH TRANSFORMATION MENTORING

Journalling

Journalling is a powerful way to meet your shadow self. When we journal we engage our ‘witness’ thinking and we can view our thoughts, beliefs and behaviours objectively with curiosity instead of self-criticism. I have prepared a free PDF for you with five shadow work journal prompts to get you started.

Download Your FREE Shadow Work Journal Prompts Here. Self-Acceptance

Our shadow self is a part of ourselves that has caused us pain, punishment and rejection. As human beings very little is more important to us than feeling loved safe and as if we belong. And we consciously or unconsciously fractured ourselves when we created our shadow self. We made an agreement with ourselves that we would only outwardly show others or acknowledge our ‘light’ acceptable bits. We disowned our shadow self and often deny that it is part of who we are.

A huge part of shadow work is understanding grief. At first, we are going to be in denial that we even have a shadow. Then we will try to make sense of our shadows through bargaining and ‘what ifs’. The next stage is anger. We may become angry with ourselves or others for our shadows, which could lead to depression. The stage of acceptance is always the most challenging. Because acceptance demands that we stop blaming others and take responsibility for our own shadow work and healing journey.

Many people resist acceptance because they feel that if they accept that they have to say that the wounds and the pain inflicted on them by others were okay. However, acceptance merely means accepting the reality, the existence of our shadow self and there is great power in this.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness follows from acceptance. As with acceptance, forgiveness is not condoning what has happened to us. Forgiveness is a conscious act of choosing to let go of the hold that our past traumas have on us. We are simply choosing to let go of the hurt and the pain.

Healing isn’t as simple as learning to love yourself. It’s going back to the places you stopped loving yourself and remembering why. It’s then holding that part of you close and rescuing them from old pain The remembering is what makes it hard. The holding is what makes it brave.

Nate Postlethwait

Reintegration

Once we have accepted our shadow as part of ourselves we can start the process of reintegrating our shadow self as part of us. This is a sacred reconnection with our Wild Woman and who we are at our true essence.

So many women who I work with, feel the sense that they have these many different parts. Parts of themselves that are not ‘allowed’ in various areas of their lives. And so learning to accept and love all of ourselves is an incredibly empowering and freeing thing for us to gift ourselves. Especially if we would like to have more joy, peace, purpose and freedom in our lives.

Conscious Interruption

It is the natural order of things that for everything we take away we must replace it.

The process of conscious interruption involves us bringing our old, limiting beliefs to our conscious awareness and then replacing these with flexible, new beliefs.

Every limiting belief we challenge must be replaced with a new, empowering belief. Like new seedlings that we plant in a garden, we must work to look after our new beliefs so that they can take root and flourish.

This means becoming aware of our thoughts and behaviours and then actively choosing to replace our old thoughts and behaviours with our new ones. This needs to be an intentional practise until we create new neural pathways to help us to do this automatically.

If you know that you are ready for change.

If you are committed to doing the work to reconnect with and love the whole, true you.

Join The Feminine School of Unlearning – An Exclusive Dedicated, Online Community for Soul-Led, Midlife Moms. Together we are committed to supporting each other to “Unlearn” the beliefs, behaviours and stories we have about ourselves that no longer serve us and are keeping us stuck. CLICK HERE TO JOIN – TRY OUR COMMUNITY FOR FREE FOR 30 DAYS

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Unlearning Lesson Three – Unlearning Your Meta-Emotions Philosophy

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Today on the show we chat about You and Your Emotions.  There are very few things in life more disempowering than overwhelming emotions. Throughout our lives, we receive so many confusing messages about ourselves and our emotions and what we are allowed or not allowed to feel.

You may have been told – “you are too sensitive” or “you are so emotional”.  And you may have taken this to believe that emotions are something to avoid or fear.  When we view our emotions as ‘bad’ we make parts of ourselves ‘bad’ disconnects us further from ourselves.

Here are some of the things we explore in this episode:

How our early relationships shape how we process our emotions.Our meta-emotions philosophy and why you may need to unlearn it.How we can use all of our emotions as important information to reconnect with ourselves, and what we need.

To go deeper with yourself and your understanding of your emotions check out my E-Course Reconnecting With Your Emotions – CLICK HERE

Book a FREE 30-minute Clarity Call: https://tanyavalentin.co/claritycall

Join The Feminine School of Unlearning go to: https://members.thefeminineschoolofunlearning.com

Buy When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains: https://tanyavalentin.co/amazon

The post Unlearning Lesson Three – Unlearning Your Meta-Emotions Philosophy appeared first on Tanya Valentin .

Unlearning Lesson Two – Shadow Work

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One of our first stumbling blocks in our healing journey is to unlearn our fear and beliefs about shadow work.  For many of us confronting our shadow selves triggers immense pain and discomfort and can feel like a fate worse than death!
In this episode I explore:

Just what our shadow self and shadow work are.I uncover how our shadow self is born and why we associate so much fear and shame with our shadow selves.How we can cast loving attention to our shadow and accept and integrate our shadow and our light selves.

For a copy of my, EBOOK go to: thefeminineschoolofunlearning.teachable.com/pthe-19-feminine-archetypes

Book a FREE 30-minute Clarity Call: https://tanyavalentin.co/claritycall

To join The Feminine School of Unlearning go to: https://members.thefeminineschoolofunlearning.com

Buy When She Wakes, She Will Move Mountains: https://tanyavalentin.co/amazon

The post Unlearning Lesson Two – Shadow Work appeared first on Tanya Valentin .