Tanya Valentin's Blog, page 5

Understanding RSD in ADHD

Learn How Understanding RSD (Rejections Sensitivity Dysphoria) Can Help You To Support Your Child (And Yourself)

The emotional experience that served as an undercurrent of my childhood was hypervigilance. I can recall constantly scanning the people around me for signs of disapproval. Checking in with my mother hundreds of times a day to see if she was ‘okay’ was a standard daily occurrence. For some reason, I just could not shake the feeling that I had done something wrong to upset her or that I was in trouble.

I have always been the ‘sensitive’ girl. Any form of feedback would send me into a panic. Any attempt to talk to me about my behaviour or something I could improve on and I would start crying, shut down and become temporarily nonverbal. This was all while my internal dialogue repeated the message of how useless I was.

Now, from reading the above account of my childhood experience, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought that my childhood home was abusive in some way. After all, the predominant message about hypervigilance in childhood is that there had to be some type of childhood trauma. However, I feel it is important that you should know that although my parents had their flaws (don’t we all) they were good parents who did the best they could.

And…

It is also true that I do have trauma from my childhood. However much of this is due to living the majority of my life as an undiagnosed AuDHD person. This is something I don’t blame my parents for – they had no idea (and neither did I).

My Experience With RSD

RSD is the filter through which I have viewed my world, my whole life. It was a huge contributing factor to my childhood experience of hypervigilance, my sensitivity to feedback and my need for constant reassurance.

It has significantly affected how I am in relationships with other people. RSD has also been a huge barrier for me to overcome in my career. My early career as a teacher was particularly hard for me as this relied heavily on feedback, mentoring and growth cycles to help me to be a better teacher. Appraisals were particularly brutal for me and would send me into a spiral of anxiety. I was convinced that I had done some unspeakable thing that would get me into trouble. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that going into the appraisal interview felt like I was going to die.

As a person who experiences RSD, my brain is wired to interpret neutral events/feedback as negative, and my brain is wired to discount positive events/feedback and my brain is wired to amplify the negative events/feedback. However, it wasn’t until I identified that I had ADHD that I recognised what RSD was and how it affected me. I thought everyone struggled in this way.

What Is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of failure or feeling rejected.

RSD is linked to ADHD, Autism, BPD and CPTSD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. These differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviours, making them much more intense.

According to ADDitude Magazine,

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.

 William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA

Neurobiological Factors For RSD in ADHD

The way that an Autistic and or ADHDer’s nervous system is wired means that we experience the world more intensely.

For our neurodivergent children and teens co-occurring conditions such as PDA, poor interoception or alexithymia can make it difficult to identify emotions and feelings in our bodies and make it challenging to read the facial cues and body language of others.

These co-occurring conditions can intensify feelings of rejection as it can make it difficult to interpret visual feedback from others. As the neurodivergent child’s nervous system is more sensitive to perceived threats, their brain ‘fills in the blanks’ and causes them to read the interaction as rejection. (Hence the regular need for reassurance or hypervigilance in the example from my childhood).

Social Factors For RSD In ADHD

Research has shown that neurodivergent individuals are generally perceived as less likable than their neurotypical peers. Many of our children’s ADHD and autistic traits are often misinterpreted as ‘inappropriate’ or ‘bad behaviour’.  ADHD and autistic children are often shamed or punished for traits that they have little or no control over.

It is estimated that many neurodivergent children would have heard on average 20,000 negative things about them, by age 10.

Little ‘t’ trauma – the constant drip feed of invalidation, misattunement and assumptions of our behaviors. Trauma and rejection sensitizes so that we see a threat when it might not be there

Yael Clark

Need Support? For Parenting Tools And Strategies To Support Your Child With RSD Check Out My MasterclassWhat’s Really Behind Your ADHD Child’s RSD?

The predominant emotion that fuels our children’s RSD is shame and the belief that they are somehow inherently ‘bad’, ‘broken’, ‘unlovable’ and unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

The intense feelings of shame lead to anxiety and their nervous system sensing a threat to their safety and moving into defence mode.

What naturally follows are behaviours stemming from their brain’s fight, flight, fawn, and freeze responses.

Examples of this are:

Defensive behaviours such as explosiveness, crying, or sarcasmPeople-pleasingWithdrawalHow RSD Can Affect You As A Parent

It is important to note that if your child is affected by RSD it is highly likely that you are affected by RSD too and that you may need some support.

RSD can affect you in the following ways in your parenting:

RSD can really affect how we parent our children, leading us to see non-compliance, seeking autonomy or our children’s behaviours as rejection.We can perceive feedback from our partner about our parenting as criticism which can lead to arguments.It can prevent us from getting help for ourselves or our children because of the pain of being perceived as a ‘bad parent’ by authorities.Need Support? Support Yourself With RSD – Check Out My MasterclassSigns That Your ADHD Child Is Affected By RSD

RSD can be hard for parents to pick up on. Your child may be severely impacted by RSD in many profound ways but the outward signs may be subtle.

As a parent, you are most likely to see RSD show up in your child’s behaviours. However, you might not immediately make the correlation between the behaviours and RSD. This is especially true if you were taught to see behaviours as a lack of respect or your child being ‘bad’ or not ‘trying hard enough’.

Here are signs that your child may be affected by RSD.

Behaviours At HomeHypervigilance in relation to other people’s emotions. Needing constant reassurance or asking if you are angry or if they are in trouble.Rigid ‘rule-following’.Sneaking, lying or agreeing to something to avoid saying ‘No’ and then doing the opposite.Becoming upset or appearing to be jealous when you spend time with or praise a sibling.Becoming upset when you compliment or talk about one of their friends or a sibling in a positive light.Interpreting your busyness or inattentiveness as rejection.Physical symptoms like headaches and stomach aches.Explosive emotions meltdowns or crying at seemingly minor things.Resistance to parenting strategies that work with other kids like labelling feelings.Behaviours At SchoolAnxiety over going to school or ‘school avoidance’.Thinking they are in ‘trouble’ every time a teacher or adult asks to speak with them.Spending excessive amounts of time on projects or assignments to ensure there are no mistakes (so it is above feedback)Struggles with asking for help.Avoiding starting assignments because of fear they will fail.Assuming no one likes them.Feeling extremely possessive of friends or upset by seeing friends hanging out with other friends.Bending over backward to get on someone’s good side (people pleasers) to the detriment of their own needs or safety.Need Support? For Parenting Tools And Strategies To Support Your Child With RSD Check Out My MasterclassHow To Support Your ADHD Child With RSD

When we keep in mind that the main emotion behind RSD is shame it gives us a helpful framework for how to help our children and ourselves.

According to the work of Brene Brown, the antidote for shame is empathy and connection.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.

What’s the Most Powerful Antidote to Shame?

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive,”

Brene Brown

How To Adapt Our Parenting Approach To Support Our Children With RSD?

Here are three important things you can do as a parent to support your child with RSD.

RRE – Recognition Responsive Euphoria

RRE is the opposite of RSD and is the feeling of elation and pleasure an individual gets from being recognised for something they do well. Many neurodivergent children have shattered self-esteem. You can harness the positive effects of RRE by intentionally breathing life into our children through praise.

Connection Focused Parenting

When we consider the resounding research into shame and connection we can see the importance of providing emotional and relational safety for our children. We protect our children from the harmful effects of shame by focusing on connection, empathy, compassion and acceptance in our interactions with them.

Self-Compassion

Because we cannot give our children what we don’t have we need to meet ourselves with through self-connection, self-compassion and self-acceptance.

To learn how to be more empathetic and connection-focused in your relationship with your child, nurture self-compassion in yourself and create more opportunities for RRE check out my Masterclass – Understanding RSD

Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Family Coach, Lecturer (Te Pūkenga– Early Childhood Education and Care), Author and Podcaster.

Tanya is an AuDHD person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent humans. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults in all her areas of life.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs and co-hosts the Seen Heard Accepted Podcast with her family.

Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Understanding RSD in ADHD appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Understanding Autistic Meltdowns And Shutdowns

How Understanding Autistic Meltdowns and Shutdowns Can Help You To Support Your Child (And Yourself)

Autistic meltdowns and shutdowns are an unavoidable part of the autistic experience. They are an autistic person’s body’s way of supporting them when their nervous system is overwhelmed. Meltdowns and shutdowns are a necessary release to help the autistic person’s nervous system return to homeostasis (regulation).

However, these essential survival mechanisms of having an autistic brain are still largely misunderstood and misinterpreted by society at large.

Many autistic children and teens are shamed and punished for their meltdowns and shutdowns. Parents of autistic children are often judged for their children’s meltdowns or shutdowns because the public perception is that they don’t know how to ‘discipline their children correctly’.

So what are autistic meltdowns and shutdowns and how can we support our children (and ourselves) when they occur?

Let’s start with what autistic meltdowns and shutdowns are not.

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child with meltdowns/shutdowns? Check out my Masterclass.What Autistic Meltdowns And Shutdowns Are NOT:They are not intentional.They are not tantrums, panic attacks or ‘bad behaviour’.They are not only due to external factors/demands but can be triggered by internal factors/demands too.They are not your child trying to control or manipulate you.They are not personal.They are not a product of ‘bad parenting’.They are not something that needs to be punished or ‘trained’ out of your child.They are not something that can be controlled or often avoided.

According to Phung, Penner, Pirlot, & Welch, 2021

Meltdowns and shutdowns are an intense response to overwhelming circumstances, and occur when an autistic person’s brain, sensory and nervous systems become so stressed and heightened that they lose control of all of their reactions.

They are involuntary, and often consist of emotional, cognitive and physical components.

Although similar things can trigger a meltdown or a shutdown the way this is communicated externally to others is different.

During a meltdown/shutdown, the person’s nervous system goes into defence mode and perceives everything around them as a threat. The autistic person will either go into fight/flight (meltdown) or freeze (shutdown).

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child with meltdowns/shutdowns? Check out my Masterclass.Meltdowns

Meltdowns are an uncontrollable outward ‘explosion’ of emotions in response to built-up stress and sensory overload. Autistic individuals may cry, scream, try to run away or even hurt themselves or others in order to regulate themselves.

Here are some of the ways autistics have described what experiencing a meltdown feels like:

“Complete loss of control, unable to stop hitting things and crying, screaming, lots of pain.”“Sometimes it’s like my mind goes blank and I am a being of pure emotion.”“Being on fire but on the inside.”“To me, it feels like a complete loss of control so it’s really scary.  It feels like the ground is disappearing and I’m falling endlessly.  When I was a kid/teenager I used to hurt myself during a meltdown because it focuses the mind. It’s a relief because you can only think of the pain. (@autistic.qualia)Shutdowns

Shutdowns are an uncontrollable inward ‘implosion’ of emotions in response to built-up stress and sensory overload.

Due to the internalised nature of shutdowns, they are a lot harder to identify and may be missed. Autistic individuals may hide, curl up, go silent, or become situationally mute. They may dissociate, immerse themselves in a video game or start scrolling on their phone.

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child with meltdowns/shutdowns? Check out my Masterclass.Why Are Meltdowns And Shutdowns So Challenging For Parents

There are many reasons why parents may find their children’s meltdowns/shutdowns challenging, here are a few:

Firstly, if you are autistic yourself the sound of your child’s crying or screaming can send you into sensory overwhelm. This may also trigger trauma because of how your meltdowns and shutdowns (or emotions in general) were responded to by your parents.

The things that your child says or does during a meltdown/shutdown can feel like a personal attack, especially if your child lashes out, hurts you or is verbally abusive. It can feel like you are walking on eggshells around your child or one mother expressed to me, “like being in an abusive relationship you can’t leave.”

We as parents generally have a very low tolerance for being present with our own emotions, let alone our child’s. Our child’s distress can fuel anxiety in us and all kinds of negative self-talk about us not being ‘good enough’ parents.

There is so much pressure out there to live up to societal perceptions of what ‘good parenting’ looks like. The ‘gold standard’ for ‘good parenting’ is often – quiet, compliant obedient children. When our children don’t fit this mold it can lead to feelings of perceived but also real judgment from others.

It is distressing when your child hurts themselves or others. Your child’s meltdowns/shutdowns can negatively affect other family members such as your other children or relationships with a co-parent (especially if you have different views on how these behaviours should be managed). Being the ‘person in the middle’ between your child and other family members alongside being the co-regulator for the child having the meltdown/shutdown can feel hard, confronting and exhausting.

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child with meltdowns/shutdowns? Check out my Masterclass.What Is Important For Parents And Educators To Know About Meltdowns And Shutdowns?

The shame around experiencing meltdowns or shutdowns can have a direct impact on the mental health of our children especially when they are met with judgement and disbelief.

As parents, it is important that we not take our children’s meltdowns and shutdowns personally. We need to understand the function of meltdowns and shutdowns, including the neurobiology behind them and take a neuro-affirming, respectful and connection-based approach to support our autistic children through meltdowns/shutdowns.

Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

When responding to our children’s meltdowns/shutdowns we need to look at both our child’s external environment and their internal signals of building stress, and remove whatever stresses and demands are possible.

This is further supported by the understanding that meltdowns/shutdowns often can’t be prevented and may be a necessary release and a function of our child’s neurobiology. It is essential that we know how to safely support our child (and ourselves) during a meltdown/shutdown and through the aftermath.

It is also important to note that an increase in meltdowns or shutdowns can be an indication of a decline in your child’s mental health or that they may be heading into burnout.

(Yellow Ladybugs, 2023)

Meltdowns And Shutdowns Are Part Of A Bigger Cycle

When seeking to understand meltdowns and shutdowns it is important to see them as part of a bigger cycle.

Triggers

First of all, there are the triggers. The triggers could be variable depending on the person and how their autism affects them. However, these triggers could vary from day to day.

Here are some of the things that can contribute to meltdowns/shutdowns:

Internal TiggersYour Child’s Neurobiology

Generally speaking, autistic brains experience the world in a much more intense way. Everything feels louder, brighter and more overwhelming. Autistic brains are more active at rest and are generally working harder and faster than neurotypical brains. This means that most autistic individuals have a much lower tolerance for stress and are more easily overstimulated.

Internal Systems And Health

Autistic children often have co-occurring conditions such as ADHD, poor interoception, alexithymia, PDA, OCD etc. This means that autistic children and teenagers may be triggered by conflicting internal signals, perceiving demands as a threat, repetitive thoughts or not being able to identify an emotion.

There is also a large co-occurrence with gastrointestinal conditions such as Crohn’s Disease, IBS or Celiac Disease. Autistic children often experience sleep disturbances which means that they may be experiencing sleep deprivation. There is a high co-occurrence with connective tissue disorders such as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which can cause chronic pain.

Menstrual Cycles

On top of periods taking a lot of executive function to manage, AFAB autistics may experience disturbances in their mental cycle such as severe PMS and other mood disorders leading up to their period, irregular periods, and extremely painful and heavy periods.

These internal triggers are often overlooked when we consider contributing factors to meltdowns/shutdowns.

External Triggers

There are many external triggers that can contribute to meltdowns/shutdowns some of these are:

New environments.Changes to routine.Reality not meeting the autistic person’s expectation of how an event or situation will go.The amount of real or perceived demands in a person’s day.Social settings and the amount of masking needed to navigate them.Sensory overwhelm.Would you like tools and strategies to understand your child’s triggers? Check out my Masterclass.The Rumble Stage

The rumble stage is theperiodd between the triggers and the meltdown/shutdown. The autistic person’s nervous system is activated and on alert. This stage can be extremely short or can have a longer window of time, depending on your child’s capacity and tolerance in the day.

It is important that as parents we are aware of our child’s ‘rumble stage’ as it is at this stage of the cycle that we have a higher likelihood of intervening. The way that we do this is through connection.

When connection is introduced at any point within this cycle, the chances of genuine de-escalation, which addresses the distressed child’s innate need for relationship-based safety, are far greater. By introducing meaningful connection and support, this distress cycle can be minimised.

Dr Alberto Veloso, psychiatrist

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child during their rumble stage? Check out my Masterclass.Meltdowns/Shutdown Stage

During the meltdown/shutdown stage, your main priority is safety. It is important that you keep your child safe and yourself calm and regulated.

Stay connected and present and ride it out.

Would you like tools and strategies to support your child with meltdowns/shutdowns? Check out my Masterclass.De-Escalation and Recovery Stage

Meltdowns/shutdowns are moments of vulnerability for our children. Many children feel frightened by the lack of control that they have over their emotions, behaviours and bodies during these moments of overwhelm. Your child is likely to feel frightened that they will get into trouble or be rejected by you.

It is important that we communicate to our children that your love for them is not conditional on their behaviour. You don’t think that they are ‘bad’ or ‘broken’ or a ‘burden’ or ‘too much’.

That you are not afraid of their big emotions that it is safe to feel them and that they are safe and you are here for them.

Need Support? Book your FREE 30-minute call with me to chat about your child’s meltdowns/shutdowns and how to support them (and yourself).Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Understanding Autistic Meltdowns And Shutdowns appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Radical Acceptance – Parenting The Child You Have

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be hard on so many fronts, however as a mum, even though there are challenging moments, in most cases, it is not my children I find hard.

Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.com

Most of the challenges that I face as a neurodivergent parent of neurodivergent children are systemic.

You see, the world, the medical system, the mental health system, the education system, the way that we are taught to parent our children and our society’s definition of success, were not created with neurodivergent people in mind.

It is the deep inner work – the unrooting of my internalised ableism, the constant reparenting of myself, the unlearning and fighting against the behaviourist way I was parented and taught to parent I find hard.

It is adapting how I do things as a parent, because I know that this is what is required to meet the needs of my children, and then second-guessing myself (because in many ways I am pioneering a new way for my family) that I struggle with.

It is the sheer about of energy I expend in advocating for myself and my children with other people and organisations only to be dismissed and invalidated that I find challenging.

It is how other people interact with my children in a way that causes them to feel like they are somehow ‘less than’ that breaks my heart.

And it is the loss of control (that I know was just an illusion, but still…) that I find the hardest to let go of.

After all, our whole lives we have been fed a formula – act a – expect b.

However, I am coming to accept what most parents of neurodivergent children learn throughout their parenting journey – there is no formula – there is no control.

It can be terrifying!

What Is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance has been both a lifeline and my biggest challenge as a parent over the years.

Acceptance is something that all children and teens need from their parents. We cannot form an authentic connection with someone when we sense that they are trying to change us to become who they think we should be. And I know too, that putting this into practice can be some of our hardest work as parents because of how we were raised. Especially if like me you have been conditioned by trauma to be hypervigilant for the other shoe to drop.

Radical acceptance comes from a Buddhist practice of being able to accept situations outside of our control with non-judgement.

The word ‘radical’ comes from the Latin radic-, radix, meaning “root“. This definition indicates to us that in order to practice acceptance we need to examine things from the ‘roots’.

Photo by Kristian Kushev on Pexels.com

This practice teaches us that the ‘root’ of our suffering is not the circumstance we find ourselves in but rather our attachment to our belief about what is happening.

For example, if my ‘root’ belief is that parenting should be easy and I encounter behaviour from my child that opposes this belief then it is not my child’s behaviour that is causing me to suffer but rather my belief that parenting should be easy.

But I get it, man we can be so attached to these beliefs!

Like anything that is ‘rooted in’ these beliefs can be so hard to let go of. The thing is, the more ‘root bound’ the belief, the more we will suffer.

This practice encourages us to look at the root of our suffering – what we can control and what is outside of our control.

In most cases, the only thing we can truly control is our beliefs and how we respond. However, most of us expend our energy worrying about and trying to control all of the things that are outside of our control and this causes us stress, worry, anxiety and even depression.

The Child We Were ‘Supposed’ To Have

One of the most ‘root bound’ beliefs that keep us the most stuck in suffering is the belief around the child we were ‘supposed to have‘ or the parenting experience we were ‘supposed’ to have. We can get so lost in how unfair life is and how it should have been different, or how it should be so much easier, or how it should be so much better…

In these moments it can feel like we are victims – as if life is happening to us. Our situation can feel utterly hopeless and really personal.

I must admit I am not impervious to the grief that so many parents experience. The grief that shows up as I am prompted to let the ‘Hallmark ideal’ of what family life ‘should look like’ die. I am human, this hurts and I struggle with this too from time to time. I know that I am not alone in this.

There is also so much pressure on parents of neurodivergent children to ‘help’ their children with interventions or therapies to help them ‘fit in’ and make our children’s lives ‘easier’ by teaching them to act in a more neurotypical way.

Would you like ideas for how to connect with your neurodivergent child or teenager? CLICK HERE to download Nine Neurodivergent Love Languages Your Child Wishes You KnewPhoto by Julia M Cameron on Pexels.com

In times like this, I find it helpful to remind myself that these are an echo of the predominant messages from my culture and that I know my children best.

But I acknowledge how difficult it is to fight against the deeply rooted ‘unwritten rules’ of what we need to do to ‘fit in’, how we are supposed to be – how our children are supposed to be. The narrowly defined prerequisites of what successful parenting should look like, none of these were created with neurodivergent children or families in mind.

These are just made-up constructs. Constructs that cause me to think that I am doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with my kids when our reality does not live up to these expectations.

I have come to realise that when I focus on holding on to this ‘root bound’ construct I suffer the most. Not only this but I miss out on noticing how amazing my children are just as they are. I also block opportunities to genuinely connect with my children in an authentic way.

After all, as the saying goes – where our focus goes our energy flows. I have found that we have to learn to remove ourselves and our children from the container of this ‘root bound’ construct so that we can bring fresh sustenance into our families.

We first have to let go of the child that our culture led us to believe that we ‘should’ have so that we can accept and love the child we have.

Tanya Valentin

Points For Reflection

I invite you to take a moment here to think about yourself and the culture you were raised in.

What was communicated to you as a child (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good child’?What was communicated to you (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good person’?What was communicated to you (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good parent’?What are your beliefs about what it means to have a ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ family life?How did/does the culture (family influences, teachers, books, television shows, movies, social media etc.) that you live in reinforce these messages?How many of your deep ‘rooted’ beliefs about parenting were your idea? How many of your beliefs are just messages that you heard from others and never thought to question?What do you need to heal or let go of in order to practise more acceptance of yourself and your child?Why Radical Acceptance Is Important When Parenting Neurodivergent Children And Teenagers

When it comes to parenting your neurodivergent child/children radical acceptance means choosing to let go of what you have been taught to believe parenting or your child ‘should’ look like and choosing to parent in a way that works for you and your family.

Divergent in its very definition means to be different or to walk a different path. So it makes sense that doing things differently is going to be the best thing for us and our children.

The reality of raising neurodivergent children is that you are going to have to let go of many of the parenting ‘rules’ we have been taught by our culture and write new ‘rules’ that fit you and your family. You will also need to let go of your expectations of who your children were meant to be or how they ‘should behave’.

Would you like ideas for how to connect with your neurodivergent child or teenager? CLICK HERE to download Nine Neurodivergent Love Languages Your Child Wishes You Knew

Is it easy? Most times no.

These systemic beliefs are deeply ‘rooted’ in our societal beliefs and values. You might find yourself at the receiving end of at best well-meaning unsolicited advice and at the worst harsh judgements and even official ‘safe-guarding’ procedures because many in our ablest cultures will not understand. I know that this can be hard, however, many parents notice that their family life is calmer and they and their children do better when they can practice radical acceptance.

It is a sad reality that our children are going to learn from their teachers, peers, media and even family members that who they are is ‘wrong’. (It is estimated that neurodivergent children receive approximately 20000 negative or corrective messages about themselves by age 10 and this has serious implications for their mental health) They need a ‘safe haven’, a person who is going to love, accept and accomodate them for who they are.

I mean, we all know that our children do better when they feel genuinely safe, seen, heard, accepted and loved for who they are and we adapt our approach to meet the needs of our children rather than holding onto who ‘they should be’ or what they ‘should be doing‘.

What Does Radical Acceptance Look Like In Practice?

As a parent of neurodivergent children here are some of the things you may need to practice radical acceptance with:

Accepting your or your child’s Autism or ADHD diagnosis and all the joys and challenges that this brings.Accepting where your child is at and not comparing them to other children or your or other people’s ideas of where they should be in their development.Allowing your child to spend the majority of their time at home in their ‘safe space’ which is more than often their rooms.Letting go of family meals around the dinner table as these are too overwhelming for your child’s (or other family member’s) sensory needs.Changing plans last minute and letting people down because your child or family is in crisis.Saying no to family or social events because it causes your child to become too dysregulated.Accepting and understanding that family holidays might look different for your family compared to other families.Accepting and understanding your child’s Autistic or ADHD traits and not viewing them as ‘bad behaviour’.Embracing technology and ‘screen time’ as a tool to help your child regulate their nervous systems.Accepting and understanding that your child’s ‘best’ might look different to your expectations and may also vary from day to day.Letting go of your concepts of ‘rewards’ and ‘punishments’ for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ behaviour.Accepting and understanding your child’s capacity to attend school.Accepting your child’s intellectual difficulties or delays.Accepting that family members, teachers and others may not understand your child’s behaviour or your parenting approach but that this doesn’t make your child or your parenting ‘wrong’.Accepting that your child, you or your family may need to have therapy or ask for help from medical or allied health professionals.Accepting and forgiving yourself for the trauma you may have caused your children pre their (or your own) diagnosis.Accepting and understanding that some days you will need to let go of your expectations of what ‘healthy meals’ look like and you will just have to go with the flow.Accepting and understanding that some days just keeping everyone alive constitutes ‘good parenting’.

These are just a few things from a very long list of things that so many parents of neurodivergent children will need to practice radical acceptance with.

Would you like ideas for how to connect with your neurodivergent child or teenager? CLICK HERE to download Nine Neurodivergent Love Languages Your Child Wishes You KnewHow To Practice Radical Acceptance

Like any new skill radical acceptance takes time and patience to learn. It is normal for our capacity for radical acceptance to change from moment to moment day to day and for it to feel really hard at times.

The first step like any learning or healing journey is awareness. We cannot change things that we are not aware of. The best tool that we have for creating awareness is our attention. Pay careful attention to your thinking and especially when you use the word ‘should’. I find that anytime I ‘should’ myself, someone else or a situation that there is a ‘root’ belief behind the thinking that needs digging up.The second step is to approach this awareness with curiosity. Ask yourself – “What ‘root’ belief is sitting behind this ‘should’?” “Is it something I truly believe or is it something I have been conditioned to believe by someone else.” Be careful not to be critical of yourself or hard on yourself here. Remember we all have ‘root’ beliefs that keep us stuck.The third step is to examine how this ‘root’ belief makes you feel and act towards others or shows up in your parenting. Be careful to just be curious here – this is not the time to be hard on yourself. Step four is to ask yourself – “Who or how would I be as a parent if I could let this ‘root’ belief go?”The final step is to ask yourself how you can accept the reality of the situation I am ‘shoulding’. It is important to remember that accepting reality does not mean that you agree with the situation or that you have to let go of how you feel about it. It just means that you accept that this is the reality of what is going on right now – that’s all.

When we are able to accept reality (what is happening in the present moment) we stop expending energy fighting against reality. It doesn’t mean that we can’t feel sad, angry or frustrated or that we give up hope that our reality might eventually change.

It just means that we stop fighting reality and we refocus our attention and energy on the present moment and what we can do now instead of reliving the past or worrying about the future.

When you argue with reality, you lose— but only 100% of the time.

Byron Katie

If you would like some help working on your beliefs about parenting and adapting your parenting approach to meet the needs of your Autistic or ADHD child I am here to help. CLICK HERE Book a FREE 30-minute call with me to get support.Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.comHow To Create A New Belief So That We Can Practice More Radical Acceptance In Our Lives?

Once we have done the work on our belief we then need to change our language about it.

I might be going against the grain here but we can’t simply ‘let go’ of a belief, it is impossible. We have to replace our old belief with a new one.

This might take some time and reflection, but ask yourself, “What would be a more compassionate, nurturing, flexible or empowering belief?”

A helpful tip is to review your values. Can you think of a new belief that better suits your values?

For example, if ‘family’ is one of your core values then how can you adapt your belief about parenting to better meet the needs of your neurodivergent child and to align with this value?

Remember that the old belief had a complex ‘root system’ and will have left a big hole. It will take time, patience and nurturing of your new belief (that is only in seed form) for it to take root and flourish.

You may also need to tend your ‘mind garden’. Sometimes when we dig up a ‘root’ belief, depending on how prolific it was we can leave bits of ‘root’ in the ‘soil’ of our consciousness and this can grow into new smaller plants from time to time.

One way that you can nurture this seed is by creating affirmations or mantras that you can say to yourself when parenting or radical acceptance feels hard.

My favourites are:It is what it is.I am doing the best I can.Just because it feels hard doesn’t mean that I am doing it wrong.I know my child/family best, and I can trust myself.Others don’t need to understand or approve of me in order for me to do what is best for myself and my child.If you would like some help working on your beliefs about parenting and adapting your parenting approach to meet the needs of your Autistic or ADHD child I am here to help. CLICK HERE Book a FREE 30-minute call with me to get support.Photo by Biova Nakou on Pexels.comHow Connection-Focused Parenting Can Support You To Have More Radical Acceptance In Your Parenting

Radical acceptance is one of the fundamental principles of a parenting approach called connection-focused parenting. Connection-focused parenting is a strengths-focused parenting approach that sees both parents and children through the lens of unconditional positive regard.

This style of parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of your interactions with your child. This in turn will equip your child with a sturdy foundation of self-acceptance, self-worth and resilience.

A child or teenager who has a strong sense of connection with a parent is more likely to cooperate because of the love and trust that is established between the parent and the child. The resulting feelings of belonging create an emotional environment where our children and teenagers can develop compassion and empathy and learn to care about the impact of their behaviours on others intrinsically.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.comConnection-Focused Parenting For Neurodivergent Children and Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Affirming your child or teen’s Neurodivergent identity.Connection before correction, ‘fixing’ or advice-giving.Adapting your parenting approach to your child or teen’s unique needs, strengths and difficulties.A Community Of Cycle Breakers

If you read this blog and this has triggered an emotional reaction in you or this blog has highlighted areas in your parenting that you want to change please know that you are not a bad person and you are not a parent.

We can only (every single one of us) ever do the best with the tools that we have.

When we have new tools we do better.

As a fellow parent and as a family coach, I know one thing for certain about you.

If you are here reading this blog and are contemplating a change you, my friend, are an extraordinary human being. You are a brave, courageous cycle breaker, ready to dig deep and do the work to heal generations of trauma for yourself and your kids.

This is not something that is easily done or for the faint-hearted. However, it is some of the most important work you will ever do for yourself and your family.

Photo by Elina Fairytale on Pexels.comDid you find this blog helpful? Make sure to subscribe to this blog Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Radical Acceptance – Parenting The Child You Have appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Navigating Conflict With Your Neurodivergent Teen

Neuro-Affirming Strategies for Parents of Neurodivergent Teens

When bringing together and considering the perspectives and needs of everyone in our neurodivergent families there are bound to be conflicts. It is inevitable.

Let’s face it, conflict is part of life especially when we are parenting teens and parenting neurodivergent teenagers can add complexity to this.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

It is a parent’s job to set boundaries that we feel will keep our children healthy and safe. It is our teenager’s job to push up against those boundaries and to strive for independence. It’s how we were made! It’s biological!

Keep in mind, the teenage years are all our children figuring out who they are as a person outside of their families. There are a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings inside of them.

This is a scary, overwhelming time for our children. They need the certainty and safety of someone who is Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind and who will allow them to go out into the world to explore and who will be there to catch them when they fall.

How Neurodiversity Can Add To Conflict In Families

In my family, we have a combination of people who are Autistic, ADHDers and AuDHDers. Even though we are all from the same family we all have our own unique sets of strengths and challenges which can be tricky to navigate.

For example:

One of my ADHD traits is time blindness which makes me chronically late for everything. My RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) then kicks in and tells me how everyone is angry with me and how useless I am, which sends me into a meltdown.

My children and hubby need to be places on time (15 minutes early). If this doesn’t happen they get anxious and angry and more often than not will have a meltdown.

This means that by the time we arrive at our destination, we are all dysregulated, frustrated and snappy with each other and emotionally drained. This is before we have even faced the sensory overload of a social situation.

Photo by jonathan emili on Pexels.com

I know that this sounds like a relatively small thing, but it has caused a lot of conflict in my family over the years especially when we didn’t know that we were neurodivergent. I mean it literally when I say that my children have PTSD about being late.

In neurodivergent families, there are not only brain differences to consider but also co-occurring conditions such as sensory processing challenges, time blindness, Alexithymia, poor interoception, PDA, RSD CPTSD and challenges with executive function which can put a huge strain on interpersonal relationships.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Adapt Your Parenting Approach To Meet The Needs Of Your Neurodivergent Teenagers? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.The Teenage Years, Increased Demands, Autism And ADHD

The teenage years are a time of increased demands for our children both internally and externally.

Internal Factors

Internally, the changes in our children’s brain structure during adolescence can lead to diminished executive function (logical and rational thinking and decision-making).

Fluctuating hormone levels affect our teenager’s brain’s ability to synthesise dopamine. This can detrimentally affect your teenager’s ADHD as this can affect their mood, focus and motivation levels. This can also lead to more dopamine-seeking activities such as acting impulsively or risky behaviours.

The onset of puberty means that our teenager’s bodies behave in unpredictable ways. For our neurodivergent teenage daughters managing periods can add a huge mental load.

Our teenagers are also faced with the realisation, and the accompanying internal conflict, that their lives are about to change.

On the one hand, they have an internal drive for autonomy and on the other hand, the fear and uncertainty of separating themselves from their parents and family of origin. For Autistic teenagers in particular that thrive on certainty this impending life change can feel almost life-threatening.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.comExternal Factors

Externally, the teenage years often involve starting high school which requires students to have a higher level of executive function this can include:

Choosing from a large list of subjects.Changing classrooms and teachers for every subject.Learning to ‘read’ multiple individual teachers and their expectations of students.Keeping track of timetables, books and gear needed which can be different from day to day.Increased academic workload.Exams.There is an increase in social demand too. For a lot of teens, starting high school can mean interaction with a larger group of peers. For many Neurodivergent teenagers, more social interactions and people mean more sensory overwhelm.Teens start to differentiate themselves into social hierarchies and ‘cliques’ that many Autistics find difficult to understand.The teenage years are when our kids explore sexual relationships with other people, sexuality, gender and identity. Many neurodivergent individuals identify as being queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, non-binary or transgender. It can be challenging for teenagers to figure out where they ‘fit’ and frightening to go against social norms or come out to friends and family members.Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

It is important to reiterate that Autistic and ADHD teenagers experience the world differently. Autism and ADHD are dynamic and often invisible disabilities that make life harder to navigate. Autistic and ADHD brains have to work harder to process and filter out sensory information and make sense of social situations. Our children’s (and our own) capacity to handle demands can vary from moment to moment – day to day.

Children do well when they can

Dr Ross Greene

It is also important to note that if your teenager was not identified as being Autistic or as having ADHD as a child and has been highly masking the emotional labour of this will really start to take its toll in the teenage years. If they have recently been diagnosed they may need time to grieve and process this new information as well as any emotions that arise.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Support Your Teen’s Mental Health? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.The Power Of Holding Yourself And Your Teens In The Most Generous Assumptions

So many parents misinterpret their children’s dysregulated behaviours such as rudeness, school refusal and melt-downs as their teen being a ‘bad kid’. It is normal to feel triggered by our children’s behaviours. Many neurodivergent parents are the victims of trauma and struggle with RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). This can show up in how we parent our children.

This in conjunction with our cultural programming can cause us to make snap judgements about what these behaviours mean.

We may interpret our children’s behaviours to mean that our teenagers don’t respect us, they are trying to manipulate us or that they don’t love us or are not even trying.

But remember, connection-focussed parents, see their children and themselves as ‘good inside’. I find it useful to reframe my children’s behaviour from “My teenagers are giving me a hard time” to “My teenager is having a hard time”.

Common Behaviours That Indicate That Your Neurodivergent Teenager Is Struggling:Disruptive or dysregulated behaviour – such as more regular meltdowns and shutdowns.Body dysmorphia.Gender dysphoria.School refusal or ‘school can’t’.Withdrawal from relationships.Numbing behaviours such as drug and alcohol use.Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID).Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, burn-out or suicidal ideation.

All these behaviours can be extremely distressing but please remember they are merely windows into the needs of our children. It is our job to figure out these needs and to adapt our parenting approach to support them.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Adapt Your Parenting Approach To Support Your Teen? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.Examining Your Own Experiences With Conflict

One of the main reasons that parents find it difficult to manage conflict is that we grew up with an unhealthy relationship with conflict. No one showed us what healthy conflict and conflict resolution looked like, so how would we know what to do when conflict arises?

Because of your lack of skills in this area, you may find conflict situations with your teen to be really confronting.

However, this does not make you a bad person or parent. It simply means that you are lacking the skills to be effective at dealing with conflict. This is something that we can learn to do better by acquiring the necessary skills.

Here are some of the internal struggles you may be experiencing with conflict:Perhaps as a child, you were taught that ‘children were meant to be seen and not heard’ or that your opinions did not matter.You may have been unrecognised as being neurodivergent and your Autistic or ADHD traits were labelled as lazy, weird, stupid, difficult, disruptive, too sensitive, weak, rude or ‘too much’. It might be that conflict and tension were the predominant emotional undercurrents of your home when you were growing up. You might have internalised this conflict and made it your fault. This could have led to you becoming hypervigilant about everyone else’s feelings. Perhaps you made this mean that it was your job to keep everyone happy so that you could feel safe. This could have led to you ‘fawning’ or pleasing others whenever you are in a conflict situation as a default behaviour.You might have been taught to fear anger (especially if you were born female). However, if you were born male, it could be that you learned that any other emotion than anger was ‘weak’ and that you were only allowed to express anger.

This is not an exhaustive list of why you may be confronted by conflict with our teenagers. Our relationship with conflict and certain emotions such as anger can be very complex. However, I bring this up because our internal struggle with conflict can show up in how we parent our teenagers.

I invite you to think about how your thoughts, emotions and behaviours were treated by the adults in your life. How did this impact you and how you viewed conflict?Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

For instance, if you are a parent who was taught to ‘keep the peace’ your natural ‘fawn’ response in difficult situations might stop you from setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with your teens. Furthermore, if you were taught to fear anger you may find yourself caving in again and again amidst your teenager’s angry outbursts due to your discomfort with this emotion.

Conversely, if anger is your default emotion this could also be a barrier to you seeing times of conflict and struggle with our teens as an opportunity to connect with them.

If your Autism or ADHD was labelled as ‘character flaws’ these may become unwanted identities that you now unconsciously try to shut down in your children.

Our childhood experiences with conflict colour how we deal with conflict with our own children. If this is true for you please be gentle with yourself, parenthood is as much about raising ourselves as it is about our teens.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Adapt Your Parenting Approach To Support Your Teen? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.Responding To Your Teen During Conflict

As a neurodivergent parent and family coach, I have found that having good baseline knowledge of neuroscience has been life-changing.

Knowing how our own brains work as neurodivergent individuals allows us to understand ourselves and our children so much better.

It means that we can allow ourselves to take things less personally. This makes room to see ourselves and others through the lens of our most generous assumptions.

In this video, I share why it is difficult to reason with your teen when they are angry or upset and how this can trigger these same emotions in you:

@iamtanyavalentin Have you ever wondered why someone else’s emotions trigger you? I explain what is happening with this easy to understand model. #momofteens #momsoftiktok #parentingtips #parentingteens #connectedparenting #raisingteenagers #connectionfocusedparenting ##parentingteenagers #motherofteens #emotionalregulation #emotionalintelligence #coregulation ♬ original sound – Tanya Valentin – Family Coach

As you can see from this video when our or our teen’s ‘lid is flipped’ it is very difficult to connect with or reason with each other in this state. Our teens are in a state of fight, flight, fawn or freeze. I other words they feel like they are fighting for their survival. This is not a time for us to try to teach them something or explain our point of view. Their brain state makes it impossible for them to hear you.

Our neurodivergent teens have lids that are even easier to flip. This is because of the extra work that their brains are doing to process sensory overload, and how they interpret demands or things that may be going on in their bodies. A flipped lid for a neurodivergent teen may result in them going into ‘defense mode’ which could result in them trying to run away or harm themselves or others.

Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.comMaking Allowances For Neurotype Differences

Knowing how your own neurodivergent brain works and what your Autistic and ADHD strengths and challenges are is an extremely powerful resource to have as a parent.

It allows you not only to understand yourself and your triggers better but allows you to remain curious about the strengths and challenges of your child. In our family, we often have conversations about how our brains work and how they are different to each other. In my experience, this can really help to transform conflict situations into moments of empathy, curiosity, compassion and shared understanding. We also communicate with each other when we are running low on ‘spoons’ so that we know to give each other space to rest and decompress.

When we as parents model talking about our own neurodivergence with our children, it empowers them with the language they can use to explain their own inner world.

Modelling making allowances for ourselves and asking for support makes it okay for them to ask for support in times of struggle and to advocate for their needs with friends, family and within educational and medical environments.

Here Are Strategies For Parents During Conflict

Here are some useful strategies that you may like to try in your family:

Know Your Role

As the parent, it is your ‘job’ to set the boundaries.

Your teenager’s ‘job’ is to push up against them. They don’t get to control or change our boundaries and we don’t get to control or change their feelings about our boundaries.

So many parents cave when their teen is unhappy with the boundary or gets angry with their teen because they were not ‘happy’ about the boundary. This is often because they are uncomfortable with their teenager’s emotions.

I invite you to consider that it is not your teen that you are finding confronting in these situations. Could it be that your body’s desire to escape the discomfort of your own emotions is the real problem?

Remember, during most times of conflict your teenager is feeling lost, out of control on overwhelmed. Their nervous system is in survival mode. Caving, back peddling on your boundaries or expecting them to be the parent can be really frightening to an already overloaded nervous system.

The truth is that your teen is not going to be happy with most of the boundaries you set. However, in this instance, it is not your job to make them happy. Your job is to set and maintain the boundary.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Adapt Your Parenting Approach To Set Boundaries With Your Teen? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.Keep Your Lid Down

As parents, our most important job, when our children have a ‘flipped lid’ is to keep ours down. If you can remember nothing else in a moment of conflict remember this.

You can do this by focusing on taking some really deep, long breaths or even having a drink of icy cold water.

What we say to ourselves as parents in these moments can also make a huge difference. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Remember, this is a normal stage of parenting – conflict with your teen does not make you a ‘bad parent’ or them a ‘bad kid’.

Validate How Your Teenager Is Feeling

You don’t need to agree with your teenager’s point of view to validate and acknowledge how they are feeling.

Try saying, “I can see that you wish…” or “This is really hard for you, I get it, this is hard for me too.” or “I can see why you would feel upset, it makes total sense.”

Important: You are not condoning behaviours or being a permissive parent by validating your teen’s emotions. On the contrary, what you are demonstrating to your teen is that you are someone they can trust to be on the same team as them to work through tough issues instead of battling against them. This will allow you to be a co-regulation partner and resource of safety for your teen.

Strategies For Nervous System Regulation

If you notice that your teenager is going into a meltdown or shut down you may need to disengage from your teen physically or take the focus off of them by dropping your gaze or looking away.

Remember when your teen’s ‘lid is flipped’ they are not going to be able to hear you or take on board what you are saying. It is not a case of ‘won’t’ on your teen’s part but really a case of ‘can’t’.

It is essential to keep your own nervous system regulated. I have found counting inside my head and concentrating on my own breathing – making my out-breath longer than my in-breath can be an effective strategy for keeping myself calm and ultimately calming my teen.

Your own regulated nervous system acts like a ‘Bluetooth transmission’ of calm, while the shift in focus away from them further allows them to recover from survival mode as they are less likely to feel under attack.

Keeping your child, other children and yourself physically safe is also a priority during moments of dysregulation. A calm authoritative tone of voice and approach is best here. Remember your child is feeling unsafe. Your confidence and sense of certainty are immensely reassuring even if it doesn’t feel like it.

If they become too dysregulated allow your teen to have some alone time in their alone in their room to stim and regulate their nervous systems. You can always pick up the conversation again once everyone’s lids are back down again.

Work With Your Teenagers

We all like to feel seen, heard and understood in our struggles. The teenage years in particular a time when our teenagers yearn for control and interpendence. As Dr Ross Greene, creator of the CPS parenting model says, conflicts are an indication of an ‘unsolved problem’ for our children.

When our children or teenagers have ‘unsolved problems’ this means that they have difficulty meeting a particular expectation. Because the ‘unsolved problem’ is individual to the child or teen we need to get information from the child. This only happens if our children feel that they have a connection with us and can trust us. Children and teenagers don’t confide in and work with adults that they can’t trust or feel safe with.

It is important to engage our children in the problems affecting their lives and this only happens through moments of connection, by listening to our children and giving them agency.

How To Repair After Conflict

Making repairs after a conflict with your teenager can be challenging. We might have said things to each other during a moment when our capacity was low and our lids were flipped.

You may not want to be around each other or find the relationship to feel like ‘hard work’ or things may feel unsafe. Our (and our children’s) brains may be in survival mode and we could be making all kinds of meanings about what just happened. This can affect our power to make decisions or think rationally.

The important thing before doing anything is to allow yourself the time and space to regulate your own nervous system.

Reach out for support from someone who you trust, or engage the support of a family coach.Take a self-compassion break.Breathe, take a walk or move your body in a way that feels nurturing to you and your nervous system.

Remember – this feels hard because it is hard and it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person and a parent. We all struggle with this stuff!

Once you have calmed your nervous system attempt a repair by owning your mistakes and apologising for your part. Do not expect your child to apologise to you. Remember – we all take our own time and this can’t be rushed.

Would You Like To Find Out How To Adapt Your Parenting Approach To Make Repairs With Your Teen? Explore My Parenting Masterclasses.The Power Of Playfulness

According to Dr Alberto Veloso “Playfulness is an emotions whisperer. Pleasure and repair go hand in hand.“

Playing with or having fun with your teen is the easiest and most enjoyable way to connect with them and rebuild connection capital between the two of you.

After all, we like to be around people who make us feel good and we naturally seek out more opportunities to spend time with them. On a sciency level, when we have fun our brains release feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin which relax us. These feel-good hormones make learning easier and support us to bond in a positive way with another person.

Play adds joy, vitality, and resilience to relationships. It can heal resentments, disagreements, and hurt and is a good way to help your teen to get out of Defense Mode.

Through play, our teens learn to trust us and feel safe. CLICK HERE for ideas to build connection capital with your teen and to repair through play.

Disclaimer:

The information in this blog is for educational purposes only. Although a lot of care and effort has gone into researching and creating this blog I do not speak for all neurodivergent people. Each neurodivergent person knows themself and their family best and I encourage you to look inside yourself to assess what is best for you and your family.

About The Author

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Family Coach, Educator, Author and Podcaster.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of three Neurodivergent teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world. She creates awareness, educates and works in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Navigating Conflict With Your Neurodivergent Teen appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Why Early Identification of Autistic And ADHD Girls In Early Childhood Matters

What are Autism and ADHD and Do They Affect Boys and Girls Differently?

Autism and ADHD affect both boys and girls at roughly the same rate. However, boys are 4 times more likely to be identified as being Autistic or as having ADHD in early childhood compared to girls.

Autism and ADHD are a form of neurodivergence. This is a difference in the way that the brain is wired. Autism and ADHD are normal variations in human brain development. Autism and ADHD are largely genetic. There can be environmental factors however most neurodivergent brain development happens in utero.

Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.comWhy are Girls Harder to Identify as Being Autistic or as Having ADHD?

Identifying and supporting young Autistic or ADHD girls can be tricky for parents and educators. One of the main reasons is because of the non-inclusive medical and cultural perceptions of Autism and ADHD.

Many Autistic and ADHD girls and AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) are smart, capable, chatty, creative and highly sensitive and empathetic children. Girls and AFAB don’t often fit the stereotype of what we have been led to believe that Autism or ADHD ‘look’ like. It was initially thought that Autism and ADHD only affect cis, white boys.

The DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – the primary diagnostic tool for Psychiatrists) only started including girls, women, gender-diverse individuals and other races in 2022.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)

Here are some of the reasons why girls or AFABs are not identified in early childhood.

Autism and ADHD are Internal Experiences

Even though many Autistics and ADHDers may behave in certain ways that appear to be different, this is not always the case. Many neurodivergent girls and AFABs learn to internalise their Autism and ADHD and mask their neurodivergence from a very young age. (Researchers suggest that this can start during infancy for some children).

Photo by Tetiana Kos on Pexels.com

Our children have a strong biological drive to attach to the most responsive primary caregiver. It is essential to be accepted by those around them to survive.

A baby’s brain is designed to ‘data gather’ in the first three years of life. Our brains gather information about the world around us. We then wire up the brain that we need to survive in response to our environment (Wallis 2017).

A baby’s brain is intuitive, intelligent and hard-wired for connection. Our children quickly learn through their experiences with people, places and things the attributes and behaviours get them love and affection. Children also learn the parts of themselves that receive rejection and punishment. As a result, they learn to behave in ways that get them connection and shut down the behaviours that do not.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)The ‘Perfect Child’ Mask

Many unidentified Autistic and ADHD girls and AFAB grow up to be ‘perfect children’ who learn the ‘rules’ of social engagement early on. They learn to mimic the social interactions of others.

They unconsciously ‘hide in plain sight’ by learning to keep their body’s still, making eye contact and adapting themselves to meet the comfort and emotional needs of others.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

Many neurodivergent girls and AFABs are affected by RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and can feel rejection intensely. To those who are affected by RSD, rejection can feel like a threat to their very survival. Most RSD sufferers would rather abandon their own needs than open themselves to the threat of being rejected.

For many unidentified neurodivergent girls and AFABs the mask of who others expect them to be becomes their default persona.

No one can see what is going on in another person’s brain just by looking at them. Masking is not often a conscious decision but rather a clever way that our brain adapts to protect us. If your daughter is an expert masker you (and even them) might never notice their unadapted Autistic and ADHD traits.

Typical Hyper Fixations and Social Patterns

Another reason that many Autistic and ADHD girls go ‘under the radar’ to speak, is because their special interests and hyper fixations (a prominent indicator of Autism and ADHD) are what we would expect to be ‘normal’ for girls of their age.

While boys (and I am generalising here) may line up their cars and know all the names of Thomas The Tank Engine and his friends. A young girl’s hyper fixation may be pretending to be a Disney Princess, playing with the same dress-up in the family corner or spending all day in the collage area creating.

Photo by Jennifer Murray on Pexels.com

Autistic boys may also be more obvious in their desire to play by themselves. Whereas Autistic girls’ play may appear to be more inclusive of others. However, they may socialise with peers by always wanting to be the leader, insisting on more rigid social rules, playing alongside others or ‘flitting’ from one social group to another.

Many ADHD girls do not exhibit the external hyperactivity of ADHD boys. They may instead internalise this hyperactivity and have a super busy and overcritical brain and/or experience this as tension in their bodies or as stomach aches.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Long-Term Effects of Masking Autism and ADHD

Because they are harder to identify as being neurodivergent, many Autistic or ADHD girls and AFABs are left to navigate the education system and peer relationships without the support offered to their male counterparts.  This can result in them not receiving the help and accommodations that they need to succeed in life. Not receiving the necessary support can adversely affect their long-term overall well-being.

Allow Me to Illustrate With a Metaphor:

Imagine that you were born a succulent but everyone thought you were a fern. 

The people who were in charge of taking care of you (your plant parents) read all about how to look after ferns. 

Their guidebooks informed them that ferns needed to be kept in the shade and should be watered every two days.  And that is how they cared for you.

However, because you were actually a succulent you needed sunlight and to only be watered every two weeks and so you started to struggle.  Your leaves turned black and you started to shrivel.

Your plant parents were concerned.  They took you to plant doctors who prescribed medications, tonics and all kinds of potions, but nothing seemed to help. 

You were told that you were just a ‘bad plant’, you were ‘too sensitive’, you were being ‘difficult’ and that you needed to ‘try harder’ to be a fern.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Eventually, a chance meeting with a new doctor informed your plant parents that you were struggling because you were not a fern but had actually been a succulent all along.

Your parents were devastated and tried to adapt to how they looked after you with this new information. However, by this stage you are so gravely ill – your roots had started rotting and it is a struggle for you to stay alive.

The ‘Lost Girls’

Many Autistic and ADHD girls and gender-diverse young people are often only recognised as being Neurodivergent as teenagers or even as adults when they are showing obvious signs of mental health distress. We call these individuals the ‘lost girls’ (Of which I am one). There are generations of neurodivergent women and AFABs who were missed and did not receive the support that they needed.

The sad facts are:

Many late-diagnosed Autistics, ADHDers and AuDHDers are dismissed and told that what they are experiencing is ‘all in their heads’.Countless neurodivergent girls, women and AFAB are misdiagnosed with mental health conditions. These can include generalised anxiety disorder, depression, and bipolar or borderline personality disorder. Many unidentified neurodivergent individuals turn to drugs and alcohol and other medications to help them to cope with their livesStudies have shown that the average life expectancy of an Autistic individual is 36-58 years of age. One study shows that Autistic women are 13 times more likely to die from suicide compared to neurotypical women.

It breaks my heart to think that our precious children will suffer due to our ignorance of how to support them.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Autism and ADHD are Disabilities

As well as being a nature neurotype variation, Autism and ADHD are complex disabilities. are dynamic and invisible disabilities.

Autism and ADHD are Invisible Disabilities:

Unless it is known beforehand that a child is Autistic or has ADHD they will not be viewed as disabled as they will appear to be ‘normal’.

Autism and ADHD are Dynamic Disabilities:

A dynamic disability (characterized by constant change) means that our children’s capacity to cope with the environment can change from moment to moment day to day.

Neurodivergent Individuals are Disabled by the Environment:

The disability is not within the child.

However, our world was built to meet the needs and preferences of the dominant neurotype (the neurotypical neurotype). This means that the way that our children interact with their environment and the way that environment interacts with our children can adversely affect and disable them.

This does not follow our typical definition of disability in terms of medical disability. It can be hard for some people to understand.

How Your Daughter’s Invisible and Dynamic Disability is Likely to be Perceived:

In practical terms, all this means that instead of being given support and consideration, your daughter is likely to be judged on her behaviour.

We all know that behaviour is a window to the unmet needs of a child. When a child is profoundly misunderstood, like so many of our neurodivergent girls are, this can result in the following outward behaviours:

Clinginess – difficulty separating from their ‘safe person’.Refusal to go to daycare or kindergarten or running away.Meltdowns and shutdowns.Being overly ‘sensitive’.Selective mutism.Defiance.Stimming or echolalia (repetitive movements or sounds)Hitting, kicking, and biting you or others or hurting themselves.ARFID – selective and restrictive eating.Obsessive and repetitive behaviours.Photo by Nicola Barts on Pexels.com

It is important when confronted with these behaviours to not just see a ‘naughty child’. I encourage you to view these as signs of a child who is struggling and try to find out why they are struggling.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Brain Differences

Autistics, ADHDers and AuDHDers have significant neurobiological differences from neurotypical children.

Neuroscience research suggests that Autistic individuals tend to have more neural pathways compared to neurotypical individuals. This research is showing us that during the pruning of neural pathways that all children go through in their early years (typically around the age of 3), the brains of Autistics tend not to be pruned as much as a neurotypical child of the same period. This could account for the sensory processing sensitivities which affect many Autistic individuals.

Researchers have identified a specific form of autism marked by the presence of an excessive amount of synapses in the cerebral cortex. The abnormality may be linked to aberrant mTOR protein activity, a regulator of synapse production.

Italian Institute ofTechnology, IIT

Studies have found that resting our children’s brains are significantly more active than neurotypical brains. Neuroscience has also shown during MRIs that different parts of our brains are more active during resting when compared to a neurotypical brain.

How Parents Misinterpret Brain Differences as ‘Bad Behaviour’

All this extra brain activity does not make it easier for neurodivergent children. It is a bit like having a race-care engine brain in a rusty old Toyota Corolla body. As you can imagine this can lead to ‘glitches’ and frustration!

However, if we don’t know about how our children’s brains work, our interpretation of our children’s neurobiological differences may be different to what is actually going on or what our children need.

For example:

All this extra processing puts a lot of stress on our children’s bodies and nervous systems. A way that they release some of this stress is through ‘stimming’ (repeated movements, sounds etc). This can be perceived as ‘fidgeting’ or being disruptive and we may try to shut this down.

Our neurodivergent children are more likely to struggle with co-occurring conditions such as poor interoception. Poor interoception makes it difficult for our children to read their body’s cues of hunger, thirst, needing to go to the toilet etc. To unsuspecting parents or teachers, poor interoception can look like poor self-care skills or laziness.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Early Identity Formation

How we are treated and spoken to in early childhood matters. When our neurodivergent children’s disabilities are misinterpreted as bad behaviour they are often labelled with negative personality characteristics. Many neurodivergent girls grow up with labels such as ‘weird’, ‘lazy’, ‘unreliable’, ‘difficult’, ‘too much’ or ‘too sensitive’.

Who we learn to believe we are when we are children sticks with us for life!

“Early Childhood is a period of momentous significance to all people growing up in our culture. By the time this period is over, children will have formed conceptions of themselves as social beings, as thinkers and as language users. They will have reached certain important decisions about their own abilities and their own worth.”

Te Whariki – The New Zealand Early Childhood Curriculum

Photo by Natalie Bond on Pexels.com

Living as a masked neurodivergent person in a world created by and for neurotypical people can be a life marked with trauma.

Many Autistic or ADHD girls experience a high level of developmental trauma due to constantly being misunderstood, invalidated by and misattuned to the adults in their lives. This developmental trauma causes our girls and gender-diverse children to form an identity shaped by trauma.

When our young girls learn that they can’t say ‘No’. When they abandon their needs for the comfort of others or learn to ‘fawn’ as a survival response this can make them more susceptible to abuse. (Approximately 90% of Autistic and ADHD women report experiencing sexual abuse Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience.)

Research has shown that when Neurodivergent girls are recognised and supported in a neuro-affirming way from a young age this results in positive outcomes for their overall well-being.

So how can we bridge the gap?

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Bridging the GapDestigmatising Autism and ADHD

Awareness and education for parents and educators are vital to identifying and supporting our girls in early childhood.

Traditionally very little time and money have been invested in educating teachers and parents about neurodiversity. There is still so much misinformation and stigma about Autism and ADHD. It is going to take work to undo this all and reeducate people in our communities.

The truth is that many people still view Autism and ADHD negatively. This makes it difficult for parents to admit that their children may be neurodivergent. Many parents have a real and understandable fear that a ‘label’ might negatively impact their child.

Many unidentified neurodivergent children have parents and grandparents who are also unrecognised in their neurodivergence. This means that there can be layers of intergenerational trauma present that need to be identified and healed.

However, just because we don’t assign a name to something it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

Denying the existence of our children’s Autism and ADHD will not only not make it go away. In fact, it will have detrimental consequences for them and their life outcomes.

Identifying Autism and ADHD in girls is nuanced. Although diagnosis is in the realm of medical professionals we do not need an ‘official diagnosis’ to start to make accommodations for and respond to children in neuro-affirming ways.

Creating a difference in the lives of our children requires us to rethink how we talk about and perceive neurodiversity. It is up to us to educate ourselves in ways that we can include and support children of all neurotypes.

Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)Photo by Jonathan Borba on Pexels.comSupport Instead of Conversion

This is a controversial one.

Traditionally when a young child was identified as being Autistic they were referred to therapies such as ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis). Therapies such as ABA were thought to help an Autistic child to behave in a more neurotypical way. At their core, they are a type of ‘conversion therapy’.

Modern neuroscience as well as research into the impact that trauma has on the brain is showing us that behavioural-type therapies and compliance-based parenting approaches do more harm than good in the long term.

Although these approaches do show short-term gains they separate our children from their bodies and themselves. They essentially teach our children to mask. Extended periods of masking result in negative mental health outcomes for neurodivergent teenagers and adults. Masking can cause anxiety, depression, PTSD, Autistic and ADHD burnout and even suicide.

Many experts agree that the parenting or teaching approach that is most responsive to our neurodivergent children includes the following three factors:

Connection First – prioritising connection over compliance.Affirming Their Authentic Neurodivergent Identities – seeing the child as a unique capable and competent being and celebrating who they are.Adopting a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting or Teaching Approach – Being responsive to the individual strengths and challenges of each child and adapting our approach to meet them where they are.Would like to learn how you can support our Autistic and ADHD girls in Early Childhood? Check out my upcoming Masterclasses. (Suitable for Parents and Educators)About The Author

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Family Coach, Educator, Author and Podcaster.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of three Neurodivergent teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world. She creates awareness, educates and works in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Why Early Identification of Autistic And ADHD Girls In Early Childhood Matters appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Could You Be Autistic Or Have ADHD?

Find Out Why So Many Autistics, ADHDers and AuDHDers Are Only Identified Later In Life.

Did you know that if you are the parent or grandparent of a child who is Autistic or has ADHD, there is a high possibility that you could be Autistic or Have ADHD too?

Much of what we currently know about Neurodiversity is still emerging and evolving, however, research suggests that Autism and ADHD have a strong genetic link.

A new widespread study involving more than two million children across five different countries has revealed the variation in autism occurrence in the population is mostly due to inherited genetic influences.  The study found that inherited genes account for about 80 per cent of an individual’s variance in developing autism.

Emily Acraman – Altogether Autism

This means that if you are the parent of a child who is Autistic or has ADHD then there is a strong chance that you or your child’s co-parent (or both of you) may be neurodivergent too – something that many parents are unaware of.  Many parents of children who are Autistic or have ADHD (especially Mothers) only find out that they are neurodivergent after their children are identified.

Why does this happen?

My Lived Experience Of Being A Late Identified Autistic and ADHDer

I grew up thinking that I was a neurotypical person.

Looking back there were signs that I was neurodivergent. However, these were missed by my parents and dismissed by medical professionals as anxiety and depression. I was just an ‘anxious’, ‘sensitive’ person who worried too much and lived too much in her head.

I grew up with a pretty rigid picture of what Autism and ADHD looked like. So it came as a shock to me when my two eldest children were medically identified as Autistic at 17 and 18 years of age.

At first, as most parents do, I was so focused on my children’s experience. How could I get them support? How could I change my parenting approach to meet their needs? It didn’t even occur to me to look at myself or that I could be Autistic too.

My own internalised ableism had caused me to mistakenly think that all Autistic and ADHD people and their experiences were the same. My internal assessment of myself was against this stereotypical image of Autism and ADHD (cis, young, white boys).

Once I allowed myself to let these stereotypes go as well as listen to the lived experiences of other Autistic and ADHD individuals I came to accept that I was neurodivergent too. Read my story here.

Ironically, it was in my pursuit to understand my children’s inner world that my recognition of my own neurodivergence emerged. Many of my behaviour patterns – my social anxiety, my inability to make and keep friendships, my teenage eating disorder, my anxiety, depression and cycles of burn-out all suddenly made sense.

Are you questioning if you are Autistic or have ADHD? Download my FREE PDF with common Autism and ADHD traits in women and AFAB (assigned female at birth).Why Are So Many People Being Identified As Autistic And/Or ADHDers As Adults?

There are many reasons why a person’s Autism or ADHD may not have been identified.

One of the main reasons is because of the non-inclusive medical and cultural perceptions of Autism and ADHD. Many people (including myself in the past) have a very narrow view of what an Autistic or ADHD person should look like. This extends the medical profession as it was initially thought that Autism and ADHD only affect cis, white boys.

I invite you to pause here and think about what the image or definition of what it means to be Autistic or have ADHD was while you were growing up.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

This narrow representation excludes women, gender-diverse people, those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community as well as people from various ages and races.

This is often a barrier to someone being identified as Autistic or as having ADHD. The DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – the main diagnostic tool for Psychiatrists) only started including girls, women and other races in 2022.

Our understanding of Autism and ADHD is still evolving and is still very much at a grassroots level. If you were late-identified or are questioning if you are Autistic or have ADHD, here are some of the reasons why you may not have been identified.

You Don’t ‘Look’ Autistic Or Like You Have ADHD

Due to our culture’s stereotypes of what Autism and ADHD ‘look’ like, if you do not fit this stereotype you can be dismissed from being neurodivergent.

Autistics (many of us prefer identity-first language) can be women and gender-diverse individuals of all ages and races. We wear make-up and colourful stylish clothes. Autistics can eat a variety of foods (including spicy foods) and go to parties and social occasions. We can communicate with people without flapping our hands and we can make eye contact. Autistics can have jobs and careers and be successful. Many Autistics are highly sensitive and empathetic, have happy fulfilling relationships and marriages and are parents. Not all Autistics experience sensory processing sensitivities.

ADHDers can appear to be very organised. We can be high achieving in our careers. Not all ADHD individuals are externally energetic, or impulsive.

Are you questioning if you are Autistic or have ADHD? Download my FREE PDF with common Autism and ADHD traits in women and AFAB (assigned female at birth).Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.comAutism and ADHD Are Internal Experiences

Even though many Autistics and ADHDers may behave in certain ways that appear to be different, this is not always the case. Many neurodivergent individuals learn to mask from a very young age. (Researchers suggest that this can start during infancy for some people).

We have a strong biological drive to attach to and be accepted by those around us to survive. A baby’s brain is intuitive, intelligent and hard-wired for connection. We quickly learn through our experiences with people, places and things what attributes and behaviours get us love and affection and the parts of ourselves receive rejection and punishment. We learn to give others more of the things that get us connection and shut down the behaviours that do not.

The ‘Perfect Child’ Mask

Many unidentified Autistics and ADHDers were ‘perfect children’ who learn the ‘rules’ of social engagement really early on. We then spend our whole lives rigidly sticking to these ‘rules’. Often adapting ourselves to meet the comfort and emotional needs of others because we believe that this will keep us safe.

We internalise our Autistic and ADHD traits as we receive information from our environment that these parts of ourselves are not accepted and will get us into trouble. For example, many ADHD women do not exhibit external hyperactivity. They internalise this hyperactivity and instead have a very busy and overcritical brain and/or experience this as tension in their bodies or as stomach aches.

Many neurodivergent people are affected by RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and feel rejection intensely. To those of us who are affected by RSD, rejection can feel like a threat to our survival. We would rather abandon our own needs than open ourselves to the threat of being rejected. The mask of who others expect us to be becomes our default persona.

No one can see what is going on in your brain just by looking at you. Masking is not often a conscious decision. If you are a neurodivergent person who is an expert masker other people (and even yourself) might never notice your unadapted Autistic and ADHD traits.

Need Support? Book A FREE Call HEREPhoto by RF._.studio on Pexels.comBrain Differences – Autistic And ADHD Brains Compared To Neurotypical Brains

Autism and ADHD are a type of neurotype. Our brains are literally wired differently.

Neuroscience research suggests that Autistic individuals tend to have more neural pathways compared to neurotypical individuals. This research is showing us that during the pruning of neural pathways that all children go through in their early years (typically around the age of 3), the brains of Autistics tend to not be pruned as much as a neurotypical child of the same age. This could account for the sensory processing sensitivities which affect many Autistic individuals.

Researchers have identified a specific form of autism marked by the presence of an excessive amount of synapses in the cerebral cortex. The abnormality may be linked to aberrant mTOR protein activity, a regulator of synapse production.

Italian Institute of Technology, IIT

Studies have found that resting our brains are significantly more active than neurotypical brains. Neuroscience has also shown during MRIs that different parts of our brains are more active during resting when compared to a neurotypical brain.

This means that you might have different sensory processing sensitivities, ways of thinking, and making meaning of your world compared to others. Neurodivergent individuals are more likely to experience co-occurring conditions such as alexithymia, PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) poor interoception as well as being at risk for many health conditions.

The Autistic and ADHD Experience Of Trauma

Living as a masked neurodivergent person in a world created by and for neurotypical people can be a life marked with trauma. This is true for acute trauma as a high level of self-abandonment of your needs for the comfort of others and people-pleasing can make you more susceptible to abuse. (Approximately 90% of Autistic and ADHD women report experiencing sexual abuse Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience.) However, neurodivergent people experience a high level of developmental trauma.

truama with a small ‘t’ is the constant drip feed of invalidation, misattunement and assumptions of our behaviours

Yael Clark

Need Support? Book A FREE Call HEREDouble Empathy And Neurokin

Studies show that neurodivergent people naturally seem to relate to and attract other neurodivergent people into their lives. It is not uncommon for Autistic and ADHDers, after being identified as neurodivergent to discover that their partner and close friends are also neurodivergent.

There are other signs that people on the spectrum connect well with one another. Autistic people report feeling more comfortable with other autistic people than with non-autistic people. Many adolescents with autism prefer to interact with autistic peers over non-autistic ones. And people with autism often build a greater sense of rapport and share more about themselves when conversing with others on the spectrum. One reason for this pattern may be that autistic people are less concerned with typical social norms, such as conversational reciprocity, and so don’t mind as much when these rules are not followed.

RACHEL ZAMZOW  – http://www.spectrumnews.org

Although no neurodivergent person is the same and we have different strengths and challenges we do share similar neurobiology. Like attracts like. When we unconsciously surround ourselves with neurokin (fellow neurodivergent kindred) and we share our experiences but none of us knows that we are neurodivergent we can unintentionally create an echo chamber. (An echo chamber is an environment in which a person encounters only beliefs or opinions that coincide with their own so that their existing views are reinforced and alternative ideas are not considered.)

Instead of seeing ourselves as we are, we believe that everyone sees the world as we do.

We think that everyone around us is experiencing the same level of challenge in their daily life and that we are just doing it wrong. That we are just somehow a ‘failed’ human being.

From my own experience, the normalisation of my AuDHD experience caused me to dismiss my children’s challenges as ‘normal’. This was because their experiences matched my childhood challenges and I did not know that I was neurodivergent. It wasn’t until my daughter’s diagnosis that I realised that our ‘normal’ was different to others.

Looking For Neurokin? Join Our FREE CommunityYou May Be Misdiagnosed With Another Mental Health Disorder Instead

Due to the lack of neuro-affirming medical training and the lack of diagnostic criteria, many women or AFAB individuals with Autism and ADHD are often misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar or borderline personality disorder.

You could spend years or even decades in the mental health system being treated for conditions that you don’t have.

The medical and mental health sector has spent decades researching how to cure Autism and ADHD and how to modify neurodivergent behaviour. This was done at the expense of research that actually helps neurodivergent people. Very few doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists and allied health professionals were educated in the neuro-affirming way to treat neurodivergent individuals.

My experience from my own life as an AuDHDer and a parent of Autistic children is when we take a person’s neurodivergent identity into consideration when we went looking at their well-being it totally changes the outcome for the person.

Tanya Valentin

Autism And ADHD Can Mask Each Other

Another reason why we may not recognise that we are Autistic or have ADHD is that our Autistic and ADHD traits compensate for or mask each other. You can be both Autistic and have ADHD. (The common term for this is AuDHD).

In my lived experience, living in the body of a person who is Autistic and has ADHD is a bit like living with two parts of yourself that want opposite things. It can feel like part of you is Tigger and the other part of you is Eyeore.

For example:

My Autistic self yearns for routine, predictability and sameness. My ADHD self wants to be spontaneous and loves novelty.

Autistic me likes nothing more than spending time by herself. ADHD me wants to go out and socialise.

My Autistic self likes to plan and organise her life. My ADHD self finds daily tasks boring and hard to do. So I procrastinate and do things that I find interesting instead.

Autistic me shuts down when things get too much for her. ADHD me is energetic, and bubbly and verbally processes everything when she feels overwhelmed.

Autism and ADHD are invisible and dynamic disabilities. For me, this is an internal conflict that is not visible from the outside. My brain is a bit like a duck gliding serenely on the surface of the water with its feet frantically peddling under the water. It is exhausting and uses up a lot of my brain power. This is also extremely unpredictable. The parts of myself that are dominant can change depending on what is going on in my environment.

You Are A Pro At Compensatory Behaviours And/ Or Have Amazing Survival Strategies

As a high masking Autistic or ADHDer, you will have intuitively learned many intelligent, resourceful, adaptive ways of coping with life and learning to survive in the world.

If your Autism or ADHD was missed or not understood you could have been ‘labelled’ with other things.

You may have grown up with damaging labels about yourself like ‘lazy’, ‘disorganised’, ‘unreliable’, ‘weird’, ‘too sensitive’, ‘distant’ or ‘unfriendly’.

These internalised labels can become ‘unwanted identities’ that send you into a shame spiral every time you are triggered. This can cause you to overcompensate with the opposite behaviour. Due to the intensity of your feelings and fears that others may reject you, this could mean that you strive for perfection in these areas.

The primary thinking is this, “If I do this thing perfectly then I will be accepted and liked.”

Need Support? Book A FREE Call HERESelf Identification, Medical Diagnosis and Getting Support

Self-identification is valid and accepted within the Autistic community. It is widely acknowledged that a neurodivergent person knows themselves best and is an authority on themselves.

There are significant barriers that inhibit many neurodivergent people from getting a formal diagnosis. These barriers could include availability, accessibility as well as financial and cultural. You may have personal reasons for wanting or not wanting to go down the formal route. Many online resources are available to you if you would like to research this further for yourself. If you are seeking a formal medical diagnosis, visiting your family doctor is the first step. They will be able to refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist who can do a formal assessment.

However, depending on where you are in the world, adult diagnosis can be expensive and waiting times can be long. Another point worth raising here is that neuro-affirming medical care is still in its infancy. I have found myself on numerous occasions, when supporting my children, during doctors’ visits being the person who is the most educated on neurodiversity due to my extensive research into this topic.

Learning from the lived experiences of other Autistics, ADHDers and AuDHDers is so valuable and can’t be discounted. You can do this HERE

Self-Authorisation

For all neurodivergent individuals and parents of neurodivergent children and teenagers, the ability to self-authorise and advocate for ourselves and our families is essential. This is extremely challenging considering that most of us learned early in our lives to conform, people please and follow the ‘rules’. Challenging our early programming can feel like a threat to our survival.

The confidence to do this comes from the power of knowledge. Knowledge of neurodiversity in general but also from knowledge of self. As a neurodivergent person (whether you have been officially diagnosed by a medical professional or not) you are already an expert of yourself and your own neurodivergence through your lived experience.

No one knows what it feels like to live in your body.

You do not need anyone’s permission to reconnect with, reclaim or explore your authentic neurodivergent identity and what it means to you. This could be as simple as connecting with other neurodivergent people and listening to others’ lived experiences. It could look like exploring various stims and how they feel to you, or treating yourself with more self-compassion. There is no right or wrong way to do this and there is no rush.

You can give permission to yourself. You can give yourself time, space and grace.

If you would like to explore your neurodivergent identity and what this means for you I would love to invite you to my Masterclass – Reclaiming Your Neurodivergent Identity. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION References:

Altogether Autism: https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/

Neurons With Too Many Synapses Is a Hallmark of Specific Form of Autism: https://neurosciencenews.com/autism-synapses-19557/

Almost 90% of autistic women report experiencing sexual violence, often on multiple occasions: https://blog.frontiersin.org/2022/04/27/frontiers-behavioral-neuroscience-sexual-abuse-women-with-autism-widespread/#:~:text=research%20news%20%7C%20Frontiers-,Almost%2090%25%20of%20autistic%20women%20report%20experiencing,violence%2C%20often%20on%20multiple%20occasions&text=The%20prevalence%20of%20sexual%20abuse,a%20new%20study%20from%20France.

The Autistic Brain: https://www.psycom.net/autism-brain-differences

Double empathy, explained: https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/

Brain network dynamics in high-functioning individuals with autism: https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms16048

About The Author

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Could You Be Autistic Or Have ADHD? appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

How to Understand Your Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+Teen’s Point Of View

Why It Is Important To Understand Your Teen’s Point of View

Do you struggle with how to understand your teen or to see things from their point of view? If you do, you are not alone, this is something that many parents find challenging.

We will not always see things through our children’s eyes or agree with our teen’s point of view. Neither will they with ours. This is just human nature.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

However, as a parent, it is important to try to figure out how to understand your teen and to see things from their point of view (even if you disagree with them). The reason for this is ‘connection capital’. As discussed in my previous blog, it is important to recognise, interpret and act on your teen’s bids for connection. This will support you to build a trusting relationship with your teen through the depositing of ‘connection capital’ into their ‘connection account’. The more regularly you deposit into your children’s ‘connection account‘ the stronger and more resilient your relationship with them will be.

Perspective-taking is an important thing to remember when building connection capital with our teens as they will not see our efforts as a deposit unless they feel that we ‘get them’.

Read more about how to respond to your teenager’s bids for connection in an LGBTQ+ and neuro-affirming way HERE

Put simply. It is very difficult for our teens to connect with a parent and to feel seen, loved and supported when they feel that we are judging them, disapproving of them or just ‘don’t get them’. Unfortunately, this is what we communicate to our teenagers when we diminish, dismiss or invalidate their thoughts, feelings and opinions by not attempting to see things from their perspective. We can do this even if we don’t intend to. However, their interpretation could mean that they are more likely to act defiantly, lie, sneak around, have a meltdown or withdraw.

Perspective-taking is particularly challenging when you have diversity in your family. If your family is anything like mine, you may have a mixture of neurotypical and neurodivergent, straight and queer or cisgender and transgender or non-binary family members. These are all complex issues to navigate in a family environment. Things are bound to get emotionally charged from time to time, causing conflict in your family.

Understanding Your Neurodivergent Teen: Challenges and Strategies

Neurodiversity by definition means “differences in individual brain function and behavioural traits, regarded as part of normal variation in the human population” The Oxford Dictionary.

Neurodiversity encompasses all brain variations such as neurotypical, autistic, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and dyspraxia. This also takes into account other forms of acquired neurodiversity like head trauma or PTSD.

Even within a type of neurodiversity such as autism, there can be huge variations from person to person as to how their autism affects them. This literally means that your teenager (who is also at a different stage of their development to you) has a very different brain to yours. Your teen may have a host of needs, strengths, difficulties and ways of communicating that are different to yours. This can make understanding them more challenging.

Having an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) or PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile of Autism, sensory processing difficulties, or co-occurring conditions such as Interoception, RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) or being affected by Alexithymia can hugely shape how our teenagers see and experience the world.

Late-recognised neurodiversity, masking and the associated trauma of living as an unidentified neurodivergent in an ableist world can also shape our teenager’s internal world. All of these contributing factors can cause difficulties such as dysregulated behaviour, anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles. This can really put a strain on the parent/teen relationship during an already challenging stage of parenting.

Here Are Some Helpful Strategies If You Are A Parent Of A Neurodivergent Teenager To Support You With How To Understand Your Teen:If possible getting an accurate diagnosis of your teenager’s neurodiversity is key so that you can know what their needs, strengths and difficulties are. Accepting and affirming your teen’s neurodivergent identity is essential for their well-being and your relationship with them.Adapt your parenting by making accommodations for your teen’s needs, strengths and difficulties.If a diagnosis is out of your reach or has been denied by medical professionals (as sadly it can be the case for a lot of families) do your own research, observe and speak to your child to find out what their internal world is like and the things that they find difficult. Explore neuro-affirming connection-focused parenting and experiment with some of the strategies to see what works for you and your teen. (I mean let’s face it, if traditional parenting is not working for you then it might be time to try something new – you really have nothing to lose!)

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents/carers or teachers is to be a detective and figure out what is behind a child or young person’s distress behaviour, and to ask ourselves ‘what are their unmet needs?’.

Yellow Ladybugs

Do you need some help navigating neurodiversity in your family? CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute call with me.

How To Understand Your LGBTQ+ Teen: Common Experiences and Unique PerspectivesTeenager Perspectives

Speak to any teenager and you will find that they will probably have a very different outlook on concepts such as sex, sexuality and gender to their gen-Xer and millennial parents. This isn’t an uncommon generational phenomenon. After all, we probably have a very different perspective on these things than our own parents too. These differences in our points of view can make it difficult to understand your teen.

Many teenagers are more open about talking about sex or see things like sexuality and gender as fluid. They are way more embracing of using different pronouns to describe people and open to non-conventional relationships.

Research has also shown that there is a large intersection between neurodiversity and diversity in sexuality and gender orientations.

Our teenagers are more likely to struggle with things like body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. These conditions can lead to eating disorders, anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles.

Parent Perspectives

Many of us parents largely grew up in a heteronormitive and ci-gender culture and received minimal information about sex from our parents. By default, we learned that speaking about what went on between the sheets was private and even shameful.

Many genXers feared ‘coming out’ as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender as there was so much stigma attached to it. I don’t know about your childhood experience, but growing up in my conservative, middle-class South African family same-sex and bi-sexual relationships and being transgender were taboo subjects. I mean I can remember how controversial the first lesbian kiss on television was when C.J. and Abby kissed in L.A. Law in 1991. Even living with your partner outside of marriage was frowned upon.

Bridging The Gap In Perspectives

As parents, it can be very hard to reconcile our childhood experiences and internalised beliefs, fears and biases about these issues with our teenager’s worldviews. How our sexuality was treated can make us fearful for our children which can influence how we parent them. However, it is important to try to understand your teen and their perspective.

The lack of transparency we received from our parents can leave us feeling very uncomfortable and flailing as we may not have the resources to bridge our worldview with that of our teens. We may not know what to say or do or even feel when our teenagers come to us for answers, express their sexual orientation to us or question their gender.

It is important during these moments to not internalise your discomfort or overwhelming feelings as you are somehow ‘not being enough’ as a parent.

Most parents struggle with this stuff. A helpful mind-shift here is instead of seeing yourself as lacking as a person to think of yourself as missing tools from your parenting toolkit. We can always learn new tools and do better.

This is where working with a parenting coach can help. A parenting coach can support you to see things from a different perspective, upskill your tool-kit, and create a success plan for you and your family

To explore how working with a parenting coach can help you. CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute chat.

Listening to Your Teenager: Active Listening Techniques To Help You To Understand Your Teen

I love the work of Stephen Covey. His words of wisdom have so much to teach us about how to be in a relationship with others. One of my favourite Stephen Covey stories (and I am paraphrasing here) is:

Stephen’s neighbour comes to him asking for parenting advice about his teenage son. The neighbour says, “I just don’t understand my son, he just won’t listen to me!”. To which Stephen Covey replies, “That’s because you are doing the speaking. We have to listen to others to understand them.”

This story has forever changed how I think about active listening. So many parents say that they don’t understand their teenagers. However, if we really want to understand our teens we need to be better listeners.

The next time you are struggling to understand your teen, ask yourself, are you actually listening to your teen with the intention of understanding them?

Photo by Deepak Bhandari on Pexels.comHere Are Helpful Strategies To Make You A Better Listener So You Can Understand Your Teen Better:One of the best pieces of advice I received about being a good listener is the acronym WAIT – Why Am I Talking? If I catch myself wanting to butt in, I remind myself to WAIT.Sit next to your teen when you are listening to them. Teenagers (especially neurodivergent teens)find it easier to talk to a parent when the focus is away from them and they don’t need to make eye contact. Another helpful tip is to imagine that a tiny drop of glue is holding your lips together and you can’t talk until you have allowed the other person has finished speaking.Nod your head and make encouraging sounds to show that you are interested.It can be useful to repeat what your teen has said to you in your head and to them express your understanding of what they just said back to them using your own words. (This can be particularly useful if you are neuro-spicy yourself)Ask questions to clarify your understanding. However, be mindful not to ask too many questions and to be aware of your tone or it could feel to your teen like you are judging them. Be aware of your teen’s non-verbal communication for signs of dysregulation or sensory overload and adapt your approach to suit the situation. Remember: a teenager with a dysregulated nervous system is not going to be about to communicate effectively.Adapting Active Listening To Accommodate Neurodivergent Perspectives

Differing communication styles, auditory processing difficulties, brain differences and attention spans can make active listening in neuro-spicy families a bit more tricky. In other words, the way our brains work can make it more challenging for us to listen to or understand each other.

For example, I have ADHD and my children have a combination of Autism and ADHD. The way that my brain works takes me on ‘thought trains’ while people are talking to me. This means that one word will spark a thought about another topic which then leads to another and so on. It takes me an extraordinary amount of effort to stay focused and ‘on topic’ with the person I am listening to. Sometimes I will have random thoughts (often about jobs that need to be done around the house) and then change the subject before the person I am in a conversation with is finished, or ask them to do something. My children have often reflected back to me how annoying this is for them. They can sometimes feel like I am not interested in what they have to say.

Adapting Your Parenting Approach To Make Room For Neurodiversity

Here is one way that we have adapted how we do things in our house to take into account neurodiversity. My children have learned not to take my ‘thought trains’ personally and recognise that it is just the way mum’s brain works. I in turn allow them to tell me (respectfully) that they weren’t finished talking or that I interrupted them. This allows me to refocus on listening to them and what they need from me. I have also taken the time to find out how my teenager’s brains work. I take this into account and adapt my approach when communicating with them.

The key to navigating communication differences in families is awareness. It is essential to stay curious, flexible and open in our communication with each other.

Do you need some help adapting your parenting approach to support neurodiversity in your family? CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute call with me.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.comEmpathy and Validation: How to Communicate with Your Teenager

When we feel truly seen, heard and understood we feel so much more relaxed and connected to the people around us. In family relationships multiplicity (making space for more than one reality) allows us to make space for other views and lived experiences.

Multiplicity gives us cognitive and emotional ‘roominess’ in our relationships. It allows us to embrace the fact that even though another person may not think as we do, we are still able to accept them and their reality even when we don’t agree or have the same experiences as they do.

In adapting our parenting approach to include multiplicity we can create space for others in our family and their perspectives. This creates a supportive environment for mutual understanding where everyone feels seen, heard, believed and validated. Multiplicity is a vital element of genuine empathy.

This is especially important when we take into account that for us to empathise with someone else we do not need to have had the same experience as them. For genuine empathy to occur we just need to have had the same emotional experience as them. This is particularly valuable to keep in mind when trying to understand your teenager’s perspective.

Strategies For Validating And Empathising With Your Teenager:

The most powerful way for us to practice genuine empathy is by actually stopping and reflecting on our teenager’s experience.

Here are some ways to do this:The next time your teenager is upset about something, I invite you to pause and ask yourself, “What is a similar experience that has happened in my life and how did this make me feel?”Now ask yourself, “How did I want to be treated in that moment?” or “What would have been the most helpful/supportive thing someone could have said or done for me in that moment?”

Chances are what came to mind for you as most helpful would not have been for someone to tell you to “calm down”. Nor would it be to remind you about “how grateful you should be because other people have it worse than you”.

Validate Your Teen’s Emotions With These Four Easy Steps

Let’s pretend that your teen is worried or anxious about an upcoming test. Where a lot of parents get it wrong is by giving advice or reassuring their teen that there is nothing to worry about. However, have you ever stopped worrying because someone told you to? Giving advice or reassuring have their place however, what your teen needs the most from you in this moment is for you to communicate that you understand their distress and that they are not alone. We need to connect before we correct, give advice or problem-solving. Here are four steps you can use to connect with your teenager:

Name – Name what your teen is feeling. “Big test, huh? I can see that you are worried.”Connect – “I get it. Tests make me feel worried too.”Validate – “This is a big deal for you. It makes sense that you would feel this way.”WAIT (Why Am I Talking) – Sit with your teen and their emotions. As a parent, you stay quiet and allow your teen to talk to you while you practice Active Listening.Connection Or Empathy ‘Misses’

Distraction, dismissal, advice-giving, trying to get you to see things from the other person’s perspective, and problem-solving or ‘fixing’ are all equally unhelpful. In fact, when we consider that the whole point of empathising with someone is to connect with them through a shared experience all these common ‘go to’ strategies that we use as parents are actually connection or empathy ‘misses’.

Another thing we often tell our children is that “it’s not so bad”. We do this to try to reassure them or ‘rescue’ them (and us) from the discomfort of their feelings. However, quite frankly, this is a bit like using ‘gas-lighting’ as a parenting strategy. The long-term consequence of this strategy is that our teens learn that they can’t trust their emotions, intuition or even themselves.

One of the most powerful things we can say to our children is, “I believe you”.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes.’ Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.

Brene Brown

Subscribe to my blog to learn helpful tips on how to navigate conflict with your teenagerCreating a Supportive Environment: How to Foster Openness and Acceptance at Home

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting approach that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally. This means that they are more likely to come to you for and take your advice. Your teen will be more open to contributing to a calm family environment and helping around the house from a place of genuine caring.

Connection-Focused Parenting is a trauma-informed approach based on modern neuroscience that is proven to de-escalate dysregulated behaviours and has long-term mental health benefits.

When our teenagers feel seen, heard and accepted they are more likely to feel good about themselves. This will allow them to develop self-confidence, resilience and self-worth.

This is important for all teenagers. However, even more so for our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens as they may feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens need to feel safe with us. This is a vital protection factor for their well-being and mental health.

Connection-Focused Parenting For Neurodiverse And LGBTQ+ Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Accepting and affirming your teen’s Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ identities.Connection before correction.Adapting your parenting approach to your teen’s needs, strengths and difficulties.

Interested in finding out how you can learn to use the Connection-Focused Parenting approach with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teenagers? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE

Seeking Professional Help: Where to Find Resources

Many parents find it difficult to ask for help.

Family is most people who are parents’ core values. This means that we place a lot of value and pressure on ourselves to ‘get it right’. The majority of us have experiences from our childhood that have caused us trauma. We don’t want to repeat this with our children. We know from our own experiences the long-lasting effects of how we were parented and also how we parent our children can have later on in life.

In our ‘perfectionist’ culture, where mistakes are allowed it is impossible to be a parent without feeling judged. However, please remember that just because you are finding things hard it doesn’t mean that you are doing it wrong. Most of the time it is hard because it is hard.

Working with me as your parenting coach allows you as the parent to:Have a safe, judgment-free space to talk about what is going on for you and to process parental grief or any other emotions you may be experiencing.You can gain an unbiased perspective from someone who is removed from your family situation as well as new tools to add to your toolkit.Working alongside a parenting coach can help you to create a plan for yourself and your family going forward.

If you feel that you may benefit from working with me as your Parenting Coach, I offer 1-1 parent support and a group coaching programme for parents.

You can book your FREE 30-minute consultation HERE.

Make sure to go back and read the other parenting blogs in this series for helpful parenting tips and advice. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post How to Understand Your Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+Teen’s Point Of View appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

How to Understand Your Teen From A Neurodivergent And LGBTQ+ Perspective

Why It Is Important To Understand Your Teen’s Point of View

Do you struggle with how to understand your teen or to see things from their point of view? If you do, you are not alone, this is something that many parents find challenging.

We will not always see things through our children’s eyes or agree with our teen’s point of view. Neither will they with ours. This is just human nature.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

However, as a parent, it is important to try to figure out how to understand your teen and to see things from their point of view (even if you disagree with them). The reason for this is ‘connection capital’. As discussed in my previous blog, it is important to recognise, interpret and act on your teen’s bids for connection. This will support you to build a trusting relationship with your teen through the depositing of ‘connection capital’ into their ‘connection account’. The more regularly you deposit into your children’s ‘connection account‘ the stronger and more resilient your relationship with them will be.

Read more about how to respond to your teenager’s bids for connection in an LGBTQ+ and neuro-affirming way HERE

Put simply. It is very difficult for our teens to connect with a parent and to feel seen, loved and supported when they feel that we are judging them, disapproving of them or just ‘don’t get them’. Unfortunately, this is what we communicate to our teenagers when we diminish, dismiss or invalidate their thoughts, feelings and opinions by not attempting to see things from their perspective. We can do this even if we don’t intend to. However, their interpretation could mean that they are more likely to act defiantly, lie, sneak around, have a meltdown or withdraw.

Perspective-taking is particularly challenging when you have diversity in your family. If your family is anything like mine, you may have a mixture of neurotypical and neurodivergent, straight and queer or cisgender and transgender or non-binary family members. These are all complex issues to navigate in a family environment. Things are bound to get emotionally charged from time to time, causing conflict in your family.

Understanding Your Neurodivergent Teen: Challenges and Strategies

Neurodiversity by definition means “differences in individual brain function and behavioural traits, regarded as part of normal variation in the human population” The Oxford Dictionary.

Neurodiversity encompasses all brain variations such as neurotypical, autistic, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and dyspraxia. This also takes into account other forms of acquired neurodiversity like head trauma or PTSD.

Even within a type of neurodiversity such as autism, there can be huge variations from person to person as to how their autism affects them. This literally means that your teenager (who is also at a different stage of their development to you) has a very different brain to yours. Your teen may have a host of needs, strengths, difficulties and ways of communicating that are different to yours. This can make understanding them more challenging.

Having an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) or PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile of Autism, sensory processing difficulties, or co-occurring conditions such as introspection, RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) or being affected by Alexithymia can hugely shape how our teenagers see and experience the world.

Late-recognised neurodiversity, masking and the associated trauma of living as an unidentified neurodivergent in an ableist world can also shape our teenager’s internal world. All of these contributing factors can cause difficulties such as dysregulated behaviour, anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles. This can really put a strain on the parent/teen relationship during an already challenging stage of parenting.

Here Are Some Helpful Strategies If You Are A Parent Of A Neurodivergent Teenager To Support You With How To Understand Your Teen:If possible getting an accurate diagnosis of your teenager’s neurodiversity is key so that you can know what their needs, strengths and difficulties are. Accepting and affirming your teen’s neurodivergent identity is essential for their well-being and your relationship with them.Adapt your parenting by making accommodations for your teen’s needs, strengths and difficulties.If a diagnosis is out of your reach or has been denied by medical professionals (as sadly it can be the case for a lot of families) do your own research, observe and speak to your child to find out what their internal world is like and the things that they find difficult. Explore neuro-affirming connection-focused parenting and experiment with some of the strategies to see what works for you and your teen. (I mean let’s face it, if traditional parenting is not working for you then it might be time to try something new – you really have nothing to lose!)

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents/carers or teachers is to be a detective and figure out what is behind a child or young person’s distress behaviour, and to ask ourselves ‘what are their unmet needs?’.

Yellow Ladybugs

Do you need some help navigating neurodiversity in your family? CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute call with me.

How To Understand Your LGBTQ+ Teen: Common Experiences and Unique PerspectivesTeenager Perspectives

Speak to any teenager and you will find that they will probably have a very different outlook on concepts such as sex, sexuality and gender to their gen-Xer and millennial parents. This isn’t an uncommon generational phenomenon. After all, we probably have a very different perspective on these things than our own parents too. These differences in our points of view can make it difficult to understand your teen.

Many teenagers are more open about talking about sex or see things like sexuality and gender as fluid. They are way more embracing of using different pronouns to describe people and open to non-conventional relationships.

Research has also shown that there is a large intersection between neurodiversity and diversity in sexuality and gender orientations.

Our teenagers are more likely to struggle with things like body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. These conditions can lead to anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles.

Parent Perspectives

Many of us parents largely grew up in a heteronormitive and ci-gender culture and received minimal information about sex from our parents. By default, we learned that speaking about what went on between the sheets was private and even shameful.

Many genXers feared ‘coming out’ as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender as there was so much stigma attached to it. I don’t know about your childhood experience, but growing up in my conservative, middle-class South African family same-sex and bi-sexual relationships and being transgender were taboo subjects. I mean I can remember how controversial the first lesbian kiss on television was when C.J. and Abby kissed in L.A. Law in 1991. Even living with your partner outside of marriage was frowned upon.

Bridging The Gap In Perspectives

As parents, it can be very hard to reconcile our childhood experiences and internalised beliefs, fears and biases about these issues with our teenager’s worldviews. However, it is important to try to understand your teen and their perspective.

The lack of transparency we received from our parents can leave us feeling very uncomfortable and flailing as we may not have the resources to bridge our worldview with that of our teens. We may not know what to say or do or even feel when our teenagers come to us for answers, express their sexual orientation to us or question their gender.

It is important during these moments to not internalise your discomfort or overwhelming feelings as you are somehow ‘not being enough’ as a parent.

Most parents struggle with this stuff. A helpful mind-shift here is instead of seeing yourself as lacking as a person to think of yourself as missing tools from your parenting toolkit. We can always learn new tools and do better.

This is where working with a parenting coach can help. A parenting coach can support you to see things from a different perspective, upskill your tool-kit, and create a success plan for you and your family

To explore how working with a parenting coach can help you. CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute chat.

Listening to Your Teenager: Active Listening Techniques To Help You To Understand Your Teen

I love the work of Stephen Covey. His words of wisdom have so much to teach us about how to be in a relationship with others. One of my favourite Stephen Covey stories (and I am paraphrasing here) is:

Stephen’s neighbour comes to him asking for parenting advice about his teenage son. The neighbour says, “I just don’t understand my son, he just won’t listen to me!”. To which Stephen Covey replies, “That’s because you are doing the speaking. We have to listen to others to understand them.”

This story has forever changed how I think about active listening. So many parents say that they don’t understand their teenagers. However, if we really want to understand our teens we need to be better listeners.

The next time you are struggling to understand your teen, ask yourself, are you actually listening to your teen with the intention of understanding them?

Photo by Deepak Bhandari on Pexels.comHere Are Helpful Strategies To Make You A Better Listener So You Can Understand Your Teen Better:One of the best pieces of advice I received about being a good listener is the acronym WAIT – Why Am I Talking? If I catch myself wanting to butt in, I remind myself to WAIT.Sit next to your teen when you are listening to them. Teenagers (especially neurodivergent teens)find it easier to talk to a parent when the focus is away from them and they don’t need to make eye contact. Another helpful tip is to imagine that a tiny drop of glue is holding your lips together and you can’t talk until you have allowed the other person has finished speaking.Nod your head and make encouraging sounds to show that you are interested.It can be useful to repeat what your teen has said to you in your head and to them express your understanding of what they just said back to them using your own words. (This can be particularly useful if you are neuro-spicy yourself)Ask questions to clarify your understanding. However, be mindful not to ask too many questions and to be aware of your tone or it could feel to your teen like you are judging them. Be aware of your teen’s non-verbal communication for signs of dysregulation or sensory overload and adapt your approach to suit the situation. Remember: a teenager with a dysregulated nervous system is not going to be about to communicate effectively.Adapting Active Listening To Accommodate Neurodivergent Perspectives

Differing communication styles, auditory processing difficulties, brain differences and attention spans can make active listening in neuro-spicy families a bit more tricky. In other words, the way our brains work can make it more challenging for us to listen to or understand each other.

For example, I have ADHD and my children have a combination of Autism and ADHD. The way that my brain works takes me on ‘thought trains’ while people are talking to me. This means that one word will spark a thought about another topic which then leads to another and so on. It takes me an extraordinary amount of effort to stay focused and ‘on topic’ with the person I am listening to. Sometimes I will have random thoughts (often about jobs that need to be done around the house) and then change the subject before the person I am in a conversation with is finished, or ask them to do something. My children have often reflected back to me how annoying this is for them. They can sometimes feel like I am not interested in what they have to say.

Adapting Your Parenting Approach To Make Room For Neurodiversity

Here is one way that we have adapted how we do things in our house to take into account neurodiversity. My children have learned not to take my ‘thought trains’ personally and recognise that it is just the way mum’s brain works. I in turn allow them to tell me (respectfully) that they weren’t finished talking or that I interrupted them. This allows me to refocus on listening to them and what they need from me. I have also taken the time to find out how my teenager’s brains work. I take this into account and adapt my approach when communicating with them.

The key to navigating communication differences in families is awareness. It is essential to stay curious, flexible and open in our communication with each other.

Do you need some help adapting your parenting approach to support neurodiversity in your family? CLICK HERE to book a FREE 30-minute call with me.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.comEmpathy and Validation: How to Communicate with Your Teenager

When we feel truly seen, heard and understood we feel so much more relaxed and connected to the people around us. In family relationships multiplicity (making space for more than one reality) allows us to make space for other views and lived experiences.

Multiplicity gives us cognitive and emotional ‘roominess’ in our relationships. It allows us to embrace the fact that even though another person may not think as we do, we are still able to accept them and their reality even when we don’t agree or have the same experiences as they do.

In adapting our parenting approach to include multiplicity we can create space for others in our family and their perspectives. This creates a supportive environment for mutual understanding where everyone feels seen, heard, believed and validated. Multiplicity is a vital element of genuine empathy.

This is especially important when we take into account that for us to empathise with someone else we do not need to have had the same experience as them. For genuine empathy to occur we just need to have had the same emotional experience as them. This is particularly valuable to keep in mind when trying to understand your teenager’s perspective.

Strategies For Validating And Empathising With Your Teenager:

The most powerful way for us to practice genuine empathy is by actually stopping and reflecting on our teenager’s experience.

Here are some ways to do this:The next time your teenager is upset about something, I invite you to pause and ask yourself, “What is a similar experience that has happened in my life and how did this make me feel?”Now ask yourself, “How did I want to be treated in that moment?” or “What would have been the most helpful/supportive thing someone could have said or done for me in that moment?”

Chances are what came to mind for you as most helpful would not have been for someone to tell you to “calm down”. Nor would it be to remind you about “how grateful you should be because other people have it worse than you”.

Connection Or Empathy ‘Misses’

Distraction, dismissal, advice-giving, trying to get you to see things from the other person’s perspective, and problem-solving or ‘fixing’ are all equally unhelpful. In fact, when we consider that the whole point of empathising with someone is to connect with them through a shared experience all these common ‘go to’ strategies that we use as parents are actually connection or empathy ‘misses’.

Another thing we often tell our children is that “it’s not so bad”. We do this to try to reassure them or ‘rescue’ them (and us) from the discomfort of their feelings. However, quite frankly, this is a bit like using ‘gas-lighting’ as a parenting strategy. The long-term consequence of this strategy is that our teens learn that they can’t trust their emotions, intuition or even themselves.

One of the most powerful things we can say to our children is, “I believe you”.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes.’ Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.

Brene Brown

Subscribe to my blog to learn helpful tips on how to navigate conflict with your teenagerCreating a Supportive Environment: How to Foster Openness and Acceptance at Home

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting approach that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally. This means that they are more likely to come to you for and take your advice. Your teen will be more open to contributing to a calm family environment and helping around the house from a place of genuine caring.

Connection-Focused Parenting is a trauma-informed approach based on modern neuroscience that is proven to de-escalate dysregulated behaviours and has long-term mental health benefits.

When our teenagers feel seen, heard and accepted they are more likely to feel good about themselves. This will allow them to develop self-confidence, resilience and self-worth.

This is important for all teenagers. However, even more so for our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens as they may feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens need to feel safe with us. This is a vital protection factor for their well-being and mental health.

Connection-Focused Parenting For Neurodiverse And LGBTQ+ Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Accepting and affirming your teen’s Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ identities.Connection before correction.Adapting your parenting approach to your teen’s needs, strengths and difficulties.

Interested in finding out how you can learn to use the Connection-Focused Parenting approach with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teenagers? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE

Seeking Professional Help: Where to Find Resources

Many parents find it difficult to ask for help.

Family is most people who are parents’ core values. This means that we place a lot of value and pressure on ourselves to ‘get it right’. The majority of us have experiences from our childhood that have caused us trauma. We don’t want to repeat this with our children. We know from our own experiences the long-lasting effects of how we were parented and also how we parent our children can have later on in life.

In our ‘perfectionist’ culture, where mistakes are allowed it is impossible to be a parent without feeling judged. However, please remember that just because you are finding things hard it doesn’t mean that you are doing it wrong. Most of the time it is hard because it is hard.

Working with me as your parenting coach allows you as the parent to:Have a safe, judgment-free space to talk about what is going on for you and to process parental grief or any other emotions you may be experiencing.You can gain an unbiased perspective from someone who is removed from your family situation as well as new tools to add to your toolkit.Working alongside a parenting coach can help you to create a plan for yourself and your family going forward.

If you feel that you may benefit from working with me as your Parenting Coach, I offer 1-1 parent support and a group coaching programme for families.

You can book your FREE 30-minute consultation HERE.

Make sure to go back and read the other parenting blogs in this series for helpful parenting tips and advice. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a Neurodivergent person herself and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post How to Understand Your Teen From A Neurodivergent And LGBTQ+ Perspective appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

How To Connect With Your Neurodivergent Teen

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.comConnection Capital

Imagine that your relationship with your teen was like a bank account. Every time you do something they enjoy or communicate to them that you care for and understand them you put funds into the ‘connection bank’. Conversely when you ask them to do something (like chores or cleaning their room) or they feel like you don’t ‘get them’ you make a withdrawal from the ‘connection bank’.

They have a connection account with you too that they can deposit into and withdraw from. For example, doing something when they said they would without you nagging would be a deposit and not following through would be a withdrawal.

The thing is, we need to keep these connection accounts regularly topped up with deposits to maintain a healthy relationship. We need way more deposits than withdrawals. Frequency and knowing your child is key when it comes to interactions that build trust and connection capital. When you think about relationships you have with a partner or friend who you trust, it is difficult to pinpoint just one thing that they did that made you trust them. The same is true in our relationship with our teens. Trust and connection are built up over time. Often it is a multitude of small and meaningful moments that make up a deep and connected relationship.

Parents are notoriously big spenders of connection capital and so we need to be big depositors too.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Kindel Media on Pexels.comDefense Mode

For parents of neurodivergent teens making regular connection deposits is even more important. Autistic and ADHD Teens have added sensory loads and co-occurring conditions that use up a lot more connection capital. When the connection account with a parent is low or overdrawn it can put our children into Defense Mode.

According to aspergerexpert.com:

We define Defense Mode as a state of overwhelm in which someone with Asperger’s is scared, frustrated, or angry, as well as shut down and withdrawn. When you’re in Defense Mode, everything is harder because you’re constantly trying to protect yourself from the overwhelming stress of both real and imagined threats that constantly surround you.

Whenever the stress and overwhelm gets to be too much, Defense Mode will always manifest in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. The person in Defense Mode might get angry and start yelling or they might try to run away, perhaps by escaping into video games or some other distraction. Or, they might shut down as they keep mumbling “I don’t know”, in response to all of mom’s questions, perhaps in the hope that she’ll eventually stop the interrogating and leave.

Asperger Expert

This can show up in your Autistic teen’s behaviours as shutdowns and meltdowns. If Defense Mode persists for a lengthy period of time this can lead to Autistic burnout, depression and even suicidal thoughts.

It is important to remember that our neurodivergent teens already have an elevated stress platform due to how they experience the world, which may be very different compared to our experience of the world.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Monstera on Pexels.comHow To Support Your Teen To Get Out Of Defense Mode?

Here are two ways that will support your teen to get out of Defense Mode:

The first way is by adopting a neuro-affirming parenting approach. This means seeing your teen’s Defense Mode behaviours as a window to their needs and taking on the role of ‘needs detective’ . You may need to ease back on demands or allow them decompression time to ease sensory overload. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask your neurodivergent teen to do chores around the house or put boundaries in place. It just means that the higher the demands we place on our teens the greater our level of care and connection needs to be in order to ‘balance the account’.This leads to the second way which is by building trust with your teen through depositing ‘connection capital’ into their connection account.

“How do you do this?” you may wonder, “They always want to be away in their room!”

Here are some ways to build up connection capital with your teen.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesRecognising Your Teen’s Bids For Connection, Slowing Down And Being Fully Present

Contrary to our beliefs as parents, and the actions of our teenagers that they don’t need us or want us around, our teens are always connection-seeking. Our teens are just poor communicators of their connection-seeking. This can be further exacerbated if our teens are neurodivergent because they may communicate differently to you and so we need to learn to recognise their bids for connection.

Download my FREE Resource HERE

The connection-focused parenting approach views bids for connection as our teens attempt to start interactions with us to build connection capital. These bids for connection can range from being confronting to oh-so-subtle that they are easy to miss.

Examples of what bids for connection may be:An emotional outburst or disruptive behaviour, whining, a rude comment, a shrug or an eye roll.A shutdown or meltdown.Your teen coming into the kitchen while you making dinner and rummaging in the pantry.Walking into a room sighing and then leaving.Asking you a random question.Sharing something with you about their latest hyper-fixation or special interest.

As parents, it is our job to decipher these moments as ‘bids for connection’ asking ourselves “What does my child need from me at this moment?” We then need to practice ‘turning towards’ them with our full attention (yes, this means stopping what you are doing, pausing Netflix or putting down your phone).

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.comReflection Time:What bids for connection have you noticed from your teen lately? How did you respond?What were some of your bids for connection when you were a teenager?How did your parents respond to you?Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesTips For Bids For Connection From Your Neurodivergent Teen:

Bids for connection can often happen in the car or while you are doing a chore or something together. This is because teens, especially neurodivergent teens find it easier to communicate with parents when the focus is away from them. This could be because these interactions do not require eye contact or the added load of having to decipher facial expressions or mask.

It is important to go beyond the surface stuff with our neurodiverse children and teens. Neurodivergent teenagers, especially Autistics struggle to engage in small talk. They may have a different communication style from you.

Most Autistics and ADHD’ers enjoy ‘special interest’ topics and hyper-fixations. Our amazing neurodivergent brains allow us the ability to go really deep into an interest. One of our favourite ‘love languages’ is having a special, interested person with who we can share our special interests. Allowing your neurodivergent teen time and space to ‘info dump’ with you is excellent connection capital building.

A word here about meltdowns and shutdowns. Meltdowns and shutdowns are bids for connection. However, when our teen is in fight, flight or freeze mode it is impossible for them to connect with themselves or others. It is important to allow your teen decompression time in order to regulate their nervous system before trying to connect with them, otherwise, your attempts to connect can trigger Defense Mode. This will result in withdrawals of connection capital instead of the intended deposits.

Connection Capital For LGBTQ+ Teens

Here are LGBTQ+ affirming ways to build connection capital with your queer or transgender teen:

Stay curious – where possible stay open to their point of view. Validate their experiences (even if you don’t agree).Be a good listener – listen more than you speak and with the purpose of understanding.Use LGBTQ+ appropriate terms.Use their preferred name and pronouns.Be honest with them if you are struggling – we are all learning!Admit it when you get it wrong, apologise where appropriate and try better next time.Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Anna Shvets on Pexels.comThe Importance Of Play

Playing with or having fun with your teen is the easiest and most enjoyable way to connect with them and build connection capital between the two of you.

After all, we like to be around people who make us feel good and we naturally seek out more opportunities to spend time with them. On a sciency level, when we have fun our brains release feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin which relax us. These feel-good hormones make learning easier and support us to bond in a positive way with another person. Play adds joy, vitality, and resilience to relationships. It can heal resentments, disagreements, and hurt and is a good way to help your teen to get out of Defense Mode.

Through play, our teens learn to trust us and feel safe.

As mentioned above, having fun with and just being silly with your teen is an amazing way to build connection capital, especially when you combine it with the principle of giving your teen your full attention.

The easiest and most effective way that I have found to implement this is to allow your teen to lead the way.

Here Are Some Simple Ideas To Get You Started:Prepare ahead – Speak with your teen and say something like, “Hey it feels like forever since you and I did something together just the two of us. I would love to spend some time with you and I was wondering when you would be free and what you would like to do.”Create a plan with your teen – ask them what they would like to do with you during your time together.Prepare other children ahead of time – Prepare your other children ahead that this is your time with their sibling/s and reassure them that you will plan a similar experience with them if they would like.Execute – During the time that you and your teen have designated as ‘your time’ put away your phone, your computer, and your devices. For the next 30 minutes focus on being fully present with your teen.Useful strategies – Allow your teen to be the leader of the play. Asking questions is also a great way to show that you are interested and invested in the experience.Let loose and have fun!!!Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.comSome Additional Play Strategies For Parents Of Autistic Teens:Take an interest in your teen’s special interest. Ask questions and allow them to tell you about their latest passion while practising your active listening skills.Many autistic teens find decision-making intimidating so you may like to give them a few options to choose from instead of overwhelming them with lots of options.Your autistic teen may find eye contact or face-to-face attention to be too overwhelming. Instead, try sitting next to them and looking down when interacting with them. This will allow your teen to feel comfortable doing the safe and ‘unmask’ in front of you.Be sensitive to your teen’s sensory needs, if they showing signs of being tired or overwhelmed suggest a quieter, more soothing activity or ask them if they would like to end the activity.

How will you choose to connect with your teen today?

Connection-Focused Parenting

This is important for all teen-parent relationships. However, even more so for our neurodivergent teens as they may feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodivergent teens are more likely to be affected by conditions such as RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), PDA (pervasive drive for autonomy) and sensory overwhelm which can put their nervous systems into defense mode. Our neurodivergent children and teens need a safe place to land with us as a vital protection factor.

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally.

Connection-Focused Parenting For Neurodivergent Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Accepting and affirming your teen’s Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ identities.Connection before correction.Adapting your parenting approach to your teen’s needs, strengths and difficulties.Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post How To Connect With Your Neurodivergent Teen appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Teenage Bids For Connection – How To Respond To Your Teen

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally.

This is important for all teen-parent relationships. However, even more so for our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens as they may feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodivergent teens are more likely to be affected by conditions such as RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), PDA (pervasive drive for autonomy) and sensory overwhelm which can put their nervous systems into defense mode. Our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens need a safe place to land with us as a vital protection factor.

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.comConnection-Focused Parenting For Neurodiverse And LGBTQ+ Teenagers Prioritises Three Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Parenting that is neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ affirming.Connection before correction.

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. That is why I have created this blog series for you. Please make sure to go back and read the other blogs in this series. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Connection Capital

Imagine that your relationship with your teen was like a bank account. Every time you do something they enjoy or communicate to them that you care for and understand them you put funds into the ‘connection bank’. Conversely when you ask them to do something (like chores or cleaning their room) or they feel like you don’t ‘get them’ you make a withdrawal from the ‘connection bank’.

They have a connection account with you too that they can deposit into and withdraw from. For example, doing something when they said they would without you nagging would be a deposit and not following through would be a withdrawal.

The thing is, we need to keep these connection accounts regularly topped up with deposits to maintain a healthy relationship. We need way more deposits than withdrawals. Frequency and knowing your child is key when it comes to interactions that build trust and connection capital. When you think about relationships you have with a partner or friend who you trust, it is difficult to pinpoint just one thing that they did that made you trust them. The same is true in our relationship with our teens. Trust and connection are built up over time. Often it is a multitude of small and meaningful moments that make up a deep and connected relationship.

Parents are notoriously big spenders of connection capital and so we need to be big depositors too.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HEREPhoto by Kindel Media on Pexels.comDefense Mode

For parents of neurodivergent teens making regular connection deposits is even more important. Autistic and ADHD Teens have added sensory loads and co-occurring conditions that use up a lot more connection capital. When the connection account with a parent is low or overdrawn it can put our children into Defense Mode.

According to aspergerexpert.com:

We define Defense Mode as a state of overwhelm in which someone with Asperger’s is scared, frustrated, or angry, as well as shut down and withdrawn. When you’re in Defense Mode, everything is harder because you’re constantly trying to protect yourself from the overwhelming stress of both real and imagined threats that constantly surround you.

Whenever the stress and overwhelm gets to be too much, Defense Mode will always manifest in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. The person in Defense Mode might get angry and start yelling or they might try to run away, perhaps by escaping into video games or some other distraction. Or, they might shut down as they keep mumbling “I don’t know”, in response to all of mom’s questions, perhaps in the hope that she’ll eventually stop the interrogating and leave.

Asperger Expert

This can show up in your teen’s behaviours as shutdowns and meltdowns. If Defense Mode persists for a lengthy period of time this can lead to Autistic burnout, depression and even suicidal thoughts.

It is important to remember that our neurodivergent teens already have an elevated stress platform due to how they experience the world, which may be very different compared to our experience of the world.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.comHow To Support Your Teen To Get Out Of Defense Mode?

Here are two ways that will support your teen to get out of Defense Mode:

The first way is by adopting a neuro-affirming parenting approach. This means seeing your teen’s Defense Mode behaviours as a window to their needs and taking on the role of ‘needs detective’ . You may need to ease back on demands or allow them decompression time to ease sensory overload. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask your neurodiverse teen to do chores around the house or put boundaries in place. It just means that the higher the demands we place on our teens the greater our level of care and connection needs to be in order to ‘balance the account’.This leads to the second way which is by building trust with your teen through depositing ‘connection capital’ into their connection account.

“How do you do this?” you may wonder, “they always want to be away in their room!”

Here are some ways to build up connection capital with your teen.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HERERecognising Your Teen’s Bids For Connection, Slowing Down And Being Fully Present

Contrary to our beliefs, and the actions of our teenagers that they don’t need us or want us around, our teens are always connection-seeking. Our teens are just poor communicators of their connection-seeking and so we need to learn to recognise their bids for connection.

The connection-focused parenting approach views bids for connection as our teens attempt to start interactions with us to bid connection. These bids for connection can range from being confronting to oh-so-subtle that they are easy to miss.

Examples of bids for connection may be:An emotional outburst or disruptive behaviour or whining, a rude comment, a shrug or an eye roll.A shutdown or meltdown.Your teen coming into the kitchen while you making dinner and rummaging in the pantry.Walking into a room sighing and then leaving.Asking you a random question.Sharing something with you about their latest hyper-fixation or special interest.

As parents, it is our job to decipher these moments as ‘bids for connection’ asking ourselves “what does my child need from me at this moment?” We then need to practice ‘turning towards’ them with our full attention (yes, this means stopping what you are doing, pausing Netflix or putting down your phone).

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.comReflection Time:What bids for connection have you noticed from your teen lately? How did you respond?Tips For Bids For Connection From Your Neurodivergent Teen:

Bids for connection can often happen in the car or while you are doing a chore or something together. This is because teens and especially neurodivergent teens find it easier to communicate with parents when the focus is away from them. This could be because these interactions do not require eye contact or the added load of having to decipher facial expressions or mask.

It is important to go beyond the surface stuff with our neurodiverse children and teens. Neurodivergent teenagers, especially Autistics struggle to engage in small talk. They may have a different communication style from you.

Most Autistics and ADHD’ers enjoy ‘special interest’ topics and hyper-fixations. Our amazing neurodiverse brains allow us the ability to go really deep into an interest. One of our favourite ‘love languages’ is having a special, interested person with who we can share our special interests. Allowing your neurodivergent teen time and space to ‘info dump’ with you is excellent connection capital building.

A word here about meltdowns and shutdowns. Meltdowns and shutdowns are bids for connection. However when our teen is in fight, flight or freeze mode it is impossible for them to connect with themselves or others. It is important to allow your teen decompression time in order to regulate their nervous system before trying to connect with them, otherwise, your attempts to connect can trigger Defense Mode. This will result in withdrawals of connection capital instead of the intended deposits.

Connection Capital For LGBTQ+ Teens

Here are LGBTQ+ affirming ways to build connection capital with your queer or transgender teen:

Stay curious – where possible stay open to their point of view. Use LGBTQ+ appropriate terms.Use their preferred name and pronouns.Be a good listener, listen to understand and validate their experiences (even if you don’t agree).Be honest with them if you are struggling – we are all learning!Admit it when you get it wrong, apologise where appropriate and try better next time.Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.comThe Importance Of Play

Playing with or having fun with your teen is the easiest and most enjoyable way to connect with them and build connection capital between the two of you.

After all, we like to be around people who make us feel good and we naturally seek out more opportunities to spend time with them. On a sciency level, when we have fun our brains release feel-good hormones like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin which relax us. These feel-good hormones make learning easier and support us to bond in a positive way with another person. Play adds joy, vitality, and resilience to relationships. It can heal resentments, disagreements, and hurt and is a good way to help your teen to get out of Defense Mode.

Through play, our teens learn to trust us and feel safe.

As mentioned above, having fun with and just being silly with your teen is an amazing way to build connection capital, especially when you combine it with the principle of giving your teen your full attention.

The easiest and most effective way that I have found to implement this is to allow your teen to lead the way.

Here Are Some Simple Ideas To Get You Started:Prepare ahead – Speak with your teen and say something like, “Hey it feels like forever since you and I did something together just the two of us. I would love to spend some time with you and I was wondering when you would be free and what you would like to do.”Create a plan with your teen – ask them what they would like to do with you during your time together.Prepare other children ahead of time – Prepare your other children ahead that this is your time with their sibling/s and reassure them that you will plan a similar experience with them if they would like.Execute – During the time that you and your teen have designated as ‘your time’ put away your phone, your computer, and your devices. For the next 30 minutes focus on being fully present with your teen.Useful strategies – Allow your teen to be the leader of the play. Asking questions is also a great way to show that you are interested and invested in the experience.Let loose and have fun!!!Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.comSome Additional Play Strategies For Parents Of Autistic Teens:Take an interest in your teen’s special interest. Ask questions and allow them to tell you about their latest passion while practising your active listening skills.Many autistic teens find decision-making intimidating so you may like to give them a few options to choose from instead of overwhelming them with lots of options.Your autistic teen may find eye contact or face-to-face attention to be too overwhelming. Instead, try sitting next to them and looking down when interacting with them. This will allow your teen to feel comfortable doing the safe and ‘unmask’ in front of you.Be sensitive to your teen’s sensory needs, if they showing signs of being tired or overwhelmed suggest a quieter, more soothing activity or ask them if they would like to end the activity.

How will you choose to connect with your teen today?

Would you like to learn how to use Connection-Focused Parenting with your teen? Find out more about the Seen Heard Accepted Parenting Program. CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE.

About The Person Who Wrote This BlogTanya Valentin and her family

Tanya Valentin is a Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a Neurodivergent person herself and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Teenage Bids For Connection – How To Respond To Your Teen appeared first on Tanya Valentin.