Tanya Valentin's Blog, page 2

Understanding Your Child’s Burnout Stages

In this conversation, Tanya discusses the Burnout Recovery Roadmap, emphasizing the importance of awareness in understanding the stages of burnout recovery for children, particularly those who are neurodivergent.

She outlines the five distinct stages of burnout recovery, from daily burnout to the new normal, and highlights the emotional and practical challenges parents face during this journey.

Tanya encourages parents to embrace the transformation process, recognizing that recovery is not linear and requires patience and understanding.

⁠CLICK HERE for your copy of my Burnout Recovery Roadmap⁠

⁠Join From Burnout To Balance with your 7-day free trial⁠

Chapters

00:00 Understanding the Burnout Recovery Roadmap

02:29 Daily Burnout: The Pressure Cooker Stage

05:48 Breaking Point: Recognizing Burnout

09:41 Chronic Burnout: The Empty Tank Stage

13:17 Fragile Reset: Signs of Recovery

16:20 Embracing the New Normal

20:46 The Transformation Process: From Caterpillar to Butterfly

The post Understanding Your Child’s Burnout Stages appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Navigating The Complexities of Autism Awareness

 

This episode delves into the complexities of parenting autistic children, particularly focusing on the challenges of burnout, the emotional toll on parents, and the need for greater awareness and understanding within the community.

Tanya shares her personal experiences, highlighting the importance of recognizing burnout, navigating feelings of guilt and shame, and advocating for systemic change to better support neurodivergent families.

Keep the conversation going, share your experience in the comments.

If you would like to get support for your family while navigating burnout, Click Here to claim your 7-day free trial.

The post Navigating The Complexities of Autism Awareness appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

When Everything Changes

A tender look at grieving parenting expectations, change and the radical acceptance of who your neurodivergent child is becoming after burnout.

There’s a question I hear often, though it’s rarely spoken aloud:

“Will my child ever go back to how they were before burnout?”

It’s such a tender, raw question. And underneath it is often a deep grief—grief for the child we thought we knew, for the ease that once was, for the milestones that once felt within reach.

But here’s the truth, spoken gently and with love:

Burnout changes our children.

For Autistic, ADHD, and PDA children, burnout doesn’t just exhaust them—it often unmasks them, too.

What we saw before burnout may have been our child in survival mode.

Pushing through.

People-pleasing.

Masking distress.

That version of them may have looked “okay” on the outside, but it came at a steep internal cost.

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com on Pexels.comThe Impact of Burnout

So when burnout hits and the mask falls away, it can feel like we’ve lost our child.

But what if what we’re really seeing—sometimes for the first time—is who they are underneath it all?

The child who can’t push through anymore.
The child who needs rest, safety, and radically different expectations.
The child who is no longer willing—or able—to hide their disability to make others comfortable.

That child isn’t broken.
They’re burned out.

And here’s the part that’s tender to hold:

They may never go back to how they were before.
Because maybe what looks like a child stuck in burnout…
is actually us, waiting for their masked, coping self to return.

But they are not stuck.
They are becoming.

They can heal. They can grow. They can slowly rebuild trust in themselves and the world around them.

But not by becoming their pre-burnout self. By becoming more fully, authentically themselves.

So maybe the question to hold isn’t:

“Will they go back?”

But instead:

Who are they becoming now?What do they need to feel safe, seen, and supported?What masks have fallen, and what truths are rising in their place?Embracing Radical Acceptance of the Child That Is, While Grieving Our Parenting Expectations

Radical acceptance means facing reality without resistance.

It’s not about liking the reality or giving up hope—it’s about releasing the internal struggle against what is.

Radical acceptance says:

“This is who my child is right now. This is how burnout has changed them. I don’t have to agree with it, but I can stop fighting it.”

That shift alone can ease so much suffering for both parent and child.

Neurodivergence Is a Disability—And That Matters

Autism, ADHD, PDA—these are real, lifelong neurodevelopmental differences. They shape how your child experiences the world and how the world treats them.

Burnout is more likely, more intense, and often longer-lasting because of this.

Framing neurodivergence as a disability isn’t negative.

It’s about recognizing needs, limitations, and rights.
It’s about understanding the world isn’t built for them—and that our role is not to change who they are, but to adapt the world around them as much as we can.

The goal isn’t to overcome neurodivergence.
It’s to support your child in living well with it.

It Helps Us Stop Waiting and Start Showing Up

So many parents wait—sometimes unconsciously—for their child to go back to being who they were before burnout.

But radical acceptance says:

“My child may never go back. And that’s not a failure—it’s just a new path.”

When we stop waiting for a past version of our child, we can finally show up for the child who is here now.

Your Child Isn’t Lost. They’re Still Becoming.

Burnout changes a person, yes—but it can also uncover who they really are beneath the layers of masking, people-pleasing, and pushing through.

Recovery isn’t about going back.
It’s about going deeper.

And that means discovering new strengths, new limits, new interests, and new ways of being in the world.

Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.comIt Allows Grief and Love to Coexist

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you stop grieving.

It means you give yourself permission to grieve—without getting stuck there.

You can mourn the ease you’ve lost and still embrace the connection that’s possible now.
You can let go of old expectations and still hold fierce love for your child exactly as they are.

It’s an Act of Deep Compassion—Toward Your Child and Yourself

When you radically accept your child’s burnout, disability, and needs, you stop trying to fix them or fit them into neurotypical molds.

And when you accept your own emotional reactions—grief, frustration, guilt, fear—you stop trying to parent from perfection and start parenting from presence.

It Opens the Door to Genuine Connection

Because your child doesn’t need you to rescue them from who they are.
They need you to see them.
To believe them.
To stop comparing them to a past version—and love them in the fullness of the present.

Reflection Prompts for Parents Who are Grieving Their Parenting Expectations

If you are ready to go deeper and unpack this thought for yourself, I offer you the following questions for reflection:

Am I hoping for my pre-burnout child to come back—or am I ready to meet the child in front of me, just as they are now?

Write about:

What parts of your child do you miss or long for?What has your child shown you about who they are now, after burnout?What feelings come up when you imagine accepting that burnout has changed them—and might have changed your parenting journey too?What might it feel like to fully accept and support who they are becoming, even if it’s different from what you expected?

It’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to wish things felt easier.
But it’s also okay to move forward, together, without needing to go back.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.comNavigating Grief and Change

One of life’s quietest, hardest truths is this: everything we love will change.
Everything we hold dear is in a constant state of becoming, shifting, ending, and beginning again.

Our children, simply by being in our lives, illuminate the places within us where love didn’t quite reach.
They touch the tender spots where we longed for life to unfold a certain way—but it didn’t.
They stir the aching spaces where we are still healing, still hoping, still holding pain.

And maybe—just maybe—this is the quiet invitation of life, of love, of parenting.

Perhaps it’s the fleeting, fragile nature of things that gives love its depth.
Perhaps it’s the impermanence of it all that makes our love feel so urgent, so sacred, so real.

If this resonates deeply…
If you’re carrying the weight of this grief, this love, this not-knowing—
Please know you don’t have to hold it all alone.

These feelings can be heavy, confusing, and sometimes overwhelming to sort through on your own. But there is support here for you.

Whether you’re looking for 1:1 guidance to help you navigate your child’s burnout with more clarity and confidence,
or you’d like to feel held within a warm, understanding community inside my membership, From Burnout to Balance, I’m here.

There’s space for your questions.
Space for your grief.
And space to breathe again.

Space for you to be held during this time of releasing and becoming.

You don’t have to figure it all out before reaching out. Just begin where you are.

You’re welcome to contact me here or learn more about the membership here.
I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.

With tenderness and care,
Tanya

The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.

As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community—so no parent has to navigate it alone.

The post When Everything Changes appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Why ‘Be Consistent’ can be Harmful Advice for Parenting Neurodivergent Kids

If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, chances are you’ve been told at some point that “consistency is key.”

Therapists, teachers, and even well-meaning friends and family may have advised you that setting firm, consistent expectations will help your child learn, behave, and adapt. But what if I told you that this advice is not only outdated but also deeply ableist?

For neurodivergent children—especially Autistic and ADHD kids—capacity is not fixed. It fluctuates based on many internal and external factors. Demanding consistency from a child whose abilities, energy, and regulation shift daily isn’t just unrealistic—it’s harmful. Instead of rigid consistency, we should be prioritizing predictability with flexibility.

Let’s break down why the “be consistent” advice fails neurodivergent kids and what we can do instead.

Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.comConsistency Assumes Capacity is Fixed—But It’s Not

The core issue with insisting on consistency is that it assumes a child’s capacity—their ability to engage, self-regulate, and complete tasks—stays the same day after day. But for neurodivergent kids, their capacity is highly variable due to factors like:

Internal demands: Sensory processing, emotional regulation, executive function, and interoception (body awareness) all impact how much a child can handle on any given day.External demands: School, social interactions, noise, routines, and even the unpredictability of daily life can deplete energy.Health and well-being: Sleep, diet, illness, and co-occurring conditions (like anxiety or chronic pain) can significantly impact a child’s ability to function.

A child who could handle brushing their teeth independently yesterday might completely shut down today due to sensory overload, lack of sleep, or an overwhelming day at school. If we rigidly enforce “consistency,” we ignore these very real fluctuations and set our children up for failure.

According to Dr Ross Greene (Author of The Explosive Child)
“Kids do well if they can.”

This aligns with the idea that children are not intentionally being inconsistent but are struggling with varying capacity. Instead of demanding consistency, we should focus on understanding what’s getting in the way.

Neurodivergent Kids Have a Naturally Smaller Window of Tolerance

Every person has a window of tolerance—the amount of stress or stimulation they can handle before becoming dysregulated. Neurodivergent kids typically have a narrower window, meaning it takes less for them to feel overwhelmed (Dr Daniel Siegel)

This means:

What they could tolerate one day may be too much the next.Unexpected changes, demands, or stressors can quickly push them past their threshold.They may have fewer adaptive resources to manage stress and regulate emotions.

If we focus only on “being consistent,” we fail to acknowledge that their baseline is not the same as a neurotypical child’s. Instead, we need to attune to their changing needs and adjust expectations accordingly.

“When children are met with empathy, they develop the ability to regulate their emotions more effectively.” Dr. Daniel Siegel (Neuropsychiatrist, Co-Author of The Whole-Brain Child)

The Demand for Consistency Ignores the Importance of Support

Consistency-based parenting strategies often place all responsibility on the child, assuming they can just try harder, push through discomfort, or learn to meet expectations with enough reinforcement. But support plays a crucial role in whether a child can engage in a task or activity.

Neurodivergent children often need adjusted support levels based on their energy, emotional state, and external stressors. This means:

Some days they may need more co-regulation before they can engage.Other days, they may need less direct involvement as they build autonomy.Their ability to complete a task independently one day doesn’t mean they can do it the next—and that’s okay.

“A child’s behaviors are not problems to solve, but signals to be understood.” Dr. Mona Delahooke (Clinical Psychologist & Author of Beyond Behaviors)

Rather than forcing consistency, we should be asking, “What does my child need in this moment to be successful?”

Photo by Julia M Cameron on Pexels.comPredictability is the Key—Not Rigid Consistency

So if rigid consistency isn’t the answer, what is? Predictability with flexibility.

Neurodivergent children thrive on knowing what to expect, but they also need the grace to adjust when their capacity changes. Instead of saying, “You must always do your homework at 5 PM, no exceptions,” you might say:

“We usually do homework around 5 PM, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, we can adjust.”

This approach still provides structure and expectations, but it also acknowledges that some days will require adjustments based on capacity.

Other ways to increase predictability without enforcing rigidity include:

Using visual schedules that allow for flexibility.Providing transitions and warnings before changing tasks.Offering choices to help children feel in control within a predictable framework.Responsive Parenting Honours Neurodivergent Needs

According to Dr Ross Greene, “A good parent is responsive to the hand they were dealt”. Instead of prioritizing consistency for the sake of it, neurodivergent kids benefit from responsive parenting—one that adapts to their needs while maintaining a sense of safety and predictability. This means:

Adjusting expectations based on your child’s energy and regulation level.Meeting them where they are, rather than where you wish they were.Creating a home environment that supports their well-being rather than forcing compliance.

By shifting from rigid consistency to predictability with flexibility, we send the message that our children’s needs are valid and that they are not “wrong” or “failing” when their capacity changes. We honour their neurodivergence instead of trying to force them into neurotypical norms.

The Danger of Enforcing Rigid Consistency for Children in Burnout

Neurodivergent children in burnout have even less capacity to meet expectations. Their nervous system is in survival mode, meaning that tasks that were already challenging may become completely impossible without significant support. Rigid consistency assumes that children are choosing not to comply, rather than struggling with fluctuating energy, sensory needs, or emotional regulation. (Dr Stuart Shanker)

Forcing consistency during burnout can:

Worsened shutdowns and meltdowns due to overwhelm.Lead to masking and fawning behaviors, which increase stress and trauma.Prolong recovery, as the child is not getting the rest and flexibility they need to rebuild their capacity.

Instead, parents should prioritize radical rest, reduced demands, and co-regulation over maintaining past expectations. Healing from burnout requires flexibility, not forced consistency.

Photo by Vodafone x Rankin everyone.connected on Pexels.comParenting While Neurodivergent: Your Capacity Matters Too

If you’re a neurodivergent parent, the pressure to be consistently patient, responsive, and regulated can feel overwhelming. Just like your child, your capacity also fluctuates. You may have days when you’re able to co-regulate with ease—and others when your own sensory or executive functioning struggles make it much harder.

Instead of striving for perfection, try:

Giving yourself grace on low-capacity days.Building in rest and recovery time so you’re not constantly running on empty.Using tools and accommodations that make parenting easier (timers, visual schedules, or co-regulation strategies).

Your ability to show up as the parent you want to be will vary, and that’s okay. Modeling self-compassion and flexibility for your child teaches them that they, too, can honour their needs.

Final Thoughts

When we tell parents of neurodivergent kids to “be consistent,” we’re often asking them to ignore their child’s natural fluctuations in capacity. This is ableist because it assumes all children have equal and stable energy, regulation, and ability to meet demands, which simply isn’t true for neurodivergent kids.

Instead, let’s advocate for attuned, responsive, and flexible parenting—one that prioritizes predictability over rigidity, support over compliance, and connection over control.

Need support in shifting away from rigid expectations and building a more sustainable approach to parenting that honours your child’s recovery from burnout? Join From Burnout to Balance, my membership designed for parents of neurodivergent kids. You don’t have to do this alone. Join us here!

Reference ListRoss W. Greene, Ph.D. – The Explosive Child – Focuses on collaborative problem-solving instead of rigid behavioral expectations.Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. – Beyond Behaviors – Explores how neurodivergent children’s behaviors are signals of underlying needs.Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – The Whole-Brain Child – Explains the neuroscience behind emotional regulation and the importance of flexibility.Stuart Shanker, Ph.D. – Self-Reg – Teaches parents how to recognize stressors and adjust expectations based on a child’s regulatory capacity.Neurodivergent Insights (by Dr. Megan Anna Neff, Psy.D.) – Understanding the Neurodivergent Brain – Breaks down neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, and capacity challenges.Articles & Online ResourcesDr. Ross Greene’s Website: Lives in the Balance – Offers resources on collaborative and proactive solutions.Mona Delahooke’s Blog & Resources: monadelahooke.comAutistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN): autisticadvocacy.org – Provides neurodiversity-affirming resources.The Neurodivergent Insights Blog: neurodivergentinsights.com – Research-based insights on executive functioning and nervous system regulation.The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.

As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community—so no parent has to navigate it alone.

The post Why ‘Be Consistent’ can be Harmful Advice for Parenting Neurodivergent Kids appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

The Juggling Act of Parenting: Prioritizing Wellbeing

In this episode, Tanya discusses the often-overlooked issue of parent burnout, emphasizing the importance of self-care and mental health for parents.

She introduces the concept of low-demand parenting, which involves reducing both parental and child demands to foster a healthier family dynamic.

Tanya also explores the metaphor of juggling responsibilities, categorizing tasks into ‘glass balls’ and ‘rubber balls’ to help parents prioritize effectively.

She provides practical strategies for creating a bare minimum plan to manage daily tasks while encouraging self-compassion and boundary-setting as essential components of parenting.

⁠⁠Start you From Burnout To Balance 7-day Free Trial⁠⁠

⁠Here’s the link to Download Your Bare Minimum Plan

Download Transcript

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Navigating Parenting Through Neurodivergent Burnout

Are you a parent of a neurodivergent child in burnout struggling to keep your head above water while you try to navigate the change and chaos in your life right now?

You are not alone, parenting through burnout recovery can bring an overwhelming sense of change—changes in your child, your family routines, and even in yourself.

Along with these shifts can come grief, fear, and uncertainty. You may find yourself mourning the parenting journey you expected or struggling to adjust to new demands and expectations, the loss of a career that brought you meaning and purpose or the loss of connections with others who are not going through the same experience as you.

When Change Feels Like Losing Control

Many parents feel a deep sense of loss when the strategies they once relied on no longer work.

The structured parenting advice—consistency, firm boundaries, and encouraging resilience—may not only be ineffective but can even worsen burnout symptoms. Letting go of these approaches can feel like losing control and forging a new path without a map, but in reality, it’s an opportunity to embrace a new, more compassionate way forward.

“When you stop trying to control everything, you create space for love, grace, and transformation.” Glennon Doyle

The Changes No One Talks About

Parenting through your child’s burnout doesn’t just affect them—it transforms your daily life, your relationships, and your sense of self.

A metaphor that I find incredibly helpful is that of the butterfly. When a caterpillar enters its chrysalis, it doesn’t simply reshape itself like a tadpole transforming into a frog. Instead, it completely dissolves—becoming an unrecognizable goo. If you were to open the chrysalis at this stage, you wouldn’t find a partially formed butterfly, just liquid.

Yet within that goo are imaginal cells—specialized cells that contain the exact genetic blueprint needed to reorganize and transform the caterpillar into a completely new being: the butterfly.

When our children experience burnout, we enter the chrysalis with them. And, like the caterpillar, we undergo a profound transformation—one that shifts us on a cellular level. This period of withdrawal from the outside world isn’t just necessary; it’s essential for recalibrating, adjusting, and reshaping our reality. But it can also feel isolating, as friends and family remain outside the chrysalis, unable to fully understand why we’re making these changes.

Photo by Alex P on Pexels.com

The constant mental and emotional effort of adapting can leave you questioning who you are as a parent. These struggles are real, even if they’re invisible to others.

Martha Beck, in Finding Your Own North Star, beautifully captures this experience:
“Every change is first a loss, but it’s also an opportunity to create something new.”

And while this transformation may feel uncertain, you are not alone. The chrysalis isn’t just a place of dissolution—it’s where something beautiful is being formed such as a deeper connection with your child, a clearer understanding of and trust in yourself and a lifestyle that is more sustainable for you and your child.

The Biggest Changes You May Be FacingYour Child’s Needs Have Shifted

A burnt-out child may no longer be able to meet the expectations that once seemed reasonable. School may feel impossible, daily routines may become overwhelming, and social interactions may drain them entirely. As a parent, this means redefining what success looks like and adjusting to a pace that supports their recovery. This is challenging as the predominant culture emphasises the importance of academic achievement and productivity. These messages are everywhere including inside us and it can take considerable effort to challenge and unlearn this messaging and adopt a new definition of success.

Your Daily Life Looks Different Now

Routines that once worked smoothly may now feel chaotic. You may find yourself advocating for more accommodations, adjusting your work schedule, or restructuring your home environment to meet your child’s needs. These changes can feel frustrating, but they are necessary for creating a supportive, healing cocoon.

With the loss of your once familiar routines and the falling away of parenting ideologies that you used to believe comes the uncertainty and constant feeling like you are failing and a whole bunch of second-guessing as you clammer to find a secure footing.

Your Own Growth as a Parent

The biggest transformation may be within yourself. Somewhere in the goo of the chrysalis, you are not just learning to parent differently—you are becoming someone new.

When a caterpillar is in the chrysalis, its imaginal cells form, dissolve, and reform multiple times before finally coming together to create the structure of a butterfly. Similarly, we go through our own cycles of dissolving and rebuilding, slowly reshaping ourselves into a new version of who we are as parents.

It’s a slow and sometimes painful process, one that can’t be rushed. In fact, the way forward isn’t about pushing through—it’s about slowing down, tuning into your intuition, and honouring your child’s unique needs. Along the way, you may experience a swirl of emotions—guilt, doubt, grief, and even relief—as you let go of old expectations and step into something new.

Embracing this new way of parenting is an act of love, not failure.

“Transformation is not about perfection. It is about unfolding into the person you were meant to be.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Grieving the Parenting Journey You Thought You’d Have

Parenting a child in burnout often brings an unexpected wave of grief—grief for the child you thought you were raising, for the life you imagined for them, and for the parent you thought you’d be. Francis Weller’s Five Gates of Grief provides a powerful framework for understanding this deep emotional process that has helped me process some of the grief from my own parenting experience.

In From Burnout to Balance, I help parents move through this grief with support, validation, and practical tools to process these changes compassionately.

1. The First Gate: Everything We Love, We Will Lose

Many parents find themselves mourning the version of their child they once knew—the one who was energetic, social, or engaged in activities. It’s painful to watch them struggle and withdraw. Letting go of the expectation that they will “bounce back” quickly is part of the grieving process.

2. The Second Gate: The Places That Have Not Known Love

Burnout recovery can bring up old wounds from your own childhood—times when you were expected to push through exhaustion or when your emotions weren’t fully seen or supported. As you learn to parent differently, you may realise there are parts of your own inner child that also need care and healing.

3. The Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World

It’s heartbreaking to realise that we live in a world that wasn’t built for neurodivergent children. The pressure to conform, the lack of understanding in schools, and the societal expectations placed on parents can feel overwhelming. This grief is not just personal—it’s systemic.

4. The Fourth Gate: What We Expected and Did Not Receive

Many parents experience a profound loss of certainty—the belief that if they followed the “right” parenting advice, their child would thrive.

You may have expected support for yourself or your child, only to be let down by those closest to you, professionals, or systems designed to help but instead create more harm. For neurodivergent families, these barriers can be overwhelming, compounding the trauma of an already difficult journey. Burnout disrupts everything, forcing you to redefine what success, happiness, and a fulfilling life truly mean.

5. The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief

Sometimes, this journey reveals deep-rooted patterns of struggle, perfectionism, and emotional suppression that have been passed down through generations. It may also bring awareness to how our parents, grandparents, and ancestors navigated life—often misunderstood and undiagnosed as neurodivergent themselves. Choosing to parent in a new, more compassionate way is not just about your child—it’s about breaking cycles of burnout and self-neglect in your family lineage.

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: To love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” Elizabeth Lesser

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

In my parent community, From Burnout to Balance, we create a space to process this grief, without shame or guilt. You are not failing as a parent—you are evolving. Together, we learn to move through the grief, redefine what healing looks like, and create a new, more sustainable way forward.

How to Navigate Parenting Through UncertaintyRadically Accept That Change Is Hard but Necessary

No, you’re not imagining how hard this is—and difficulty doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s okay to grieve the life you expected. Let yourself process these emotions without guilt. Suppressing emotions is like holding in a sneeze—it doesn’t make them disappear, just more painful. Healing begins when we acknowledge our struggles instead of pushing them aside.

Focus on Small, Sustainable Shifts

You don’t need to overhaul everything at once. Instead, focus on small, manageable changes—reducing unnecessary demands, building in more rest, and creating predictable routines to help your child feel safe. Over time, these small shifts create a more sustainable, supportive environment for both you and your child.

Find a Way to Express Yourself and Process Your Experience

Parenting a burnt-out child often means putting their needs first, but ignoring your own emotions doesn’t make them disappear—they accumulate, showing up as stress, anxiety, or even physical exhaustion. Finding an outlet for self-expression is essential to your well-being and helps you show up as the parent your child needs.

Writing: Journaling, blogging or even voice notes can help clarify your thoughts and emotions.Creative Expression: Drawing, painting, or crafting can provide a non-verbal way to process complex feelings.Movement & Music: Dancing, yoga, or simply taking a mindful walk can release tension stored in the body.Hands-On Activities: Knitting, baking, or gardening can create a meditative space for reflection.

Whatever method feels right for you, make space to express what you’re carrying—it’s an important part of healing.

Embrace Self-Compassion: A Lifeline Through Change and Burnout

When navigating your child’s burnout, self-compassion isn’t a luxury—it’s essential. Many parents instinctively offer patience and kindness to their children but hold themselves to impossible standards. You may feel guilty for struggling or worry you’re not doing enough.

Self-compassion allows you to soften your inner critic and meet yourself with understanding. Instead of pushing yourself to “do more” or “be better,” self-compassion invites you to:

Recognize that burnout is not a personal failure. You are doing your best in an incredibly demanding situation.Give yourself permission to rest and reset. Caring for yourself benefits both you and your child.Shift from self-judgment to self-kindness. Instead of asking, Why am I struggling so much?, try What do I need right now to feel supported?Accept that healing is messy and non-linear. You don’t need to have all the answers today.

Meeting yourself with compassion fosters resilience, patience, and clarity, helping you navigate change without self-blame.

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” Brene Brown

Find Support and Community

You don’t have to go through this alone. Connecting with other parents who truly understand can provide validation, encouragement, and practical guidance. Whether through a coaching program, parent support group, or therapy, seeking support can make all the difference.

Embracing a New Path ForwardYou Are Not Failing—You Are Adapting

Let go of the guilt that comes with doing things differently. Your child’s needs have changed, and adapting to meet them is a sign of strength, not failure.

Your Child Needs a Safe, Supported Parent—Not a Perfect One

You don’t need to have it all figured out. What matters most is your willingness to listen, learn, and adjust. Perfection isn’t the goal—connection and understanding are.

How From Burnout to Balance Can Help

If you’re feeling lost in this journey, From Burnout to Balance provides guidance, community, and resources to support you. Inside, you’ll find a space to learn, heal, and connect with parents navigating the same challenges.

Final ThoughtsChange Doesn’t Mean Losing Yourself—It Means Learning a New Way

Yes, change is hard. But it doesn’t mean losing who you are—it means growing into the parent your child needs right now. This path may not look like the one you expected, but it is still filled with love, connection, and hope.

Give Yourself Grace in the Process

Be kind to yourself. Parenting a burnt-out child requires patience, flexibility, and compassion—not just for them, but for yourself too.

You are not alone in this. 💜

The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Hi, I’m Tanya Valentin, an AuDHD parent, family coach, author, and podcaster. I guide parents of Autistic and ADHD kids through burnout recovery using a neuro-affirming, trauma-informed approach.

As a parent of three autistic teens, I know firsthand how isolating and exhausting this journey can be. That’s why I created From Burnout to Balance, a space where parents can find real, practical answers to help their child recover from burnout and a supportive community—so no parent has to navigate it alone.

Tanya and Zeus

The post Navigating Parenting Through Neurodivergent Burnout appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Understanding the Impact of Burnout on Families

Summary

In this episode of Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together, Tanya discusses the challenges of parenting neurodivergent children, particularly focusing on the concept of burnout. She shares her personal experiences and insights on how burnout affects both parents and children, the emotional journey involved, and the importance of community support. Tanya emphasizes the need for parents to prioritize their own healing while navigating the complexities of raising neurodivergent kids.

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TakeawaysBurnout can feel like a group PTSD experience for families.Many parents are unprepared for the reality of burnout.It’s essential to re-evaluate priorities during times of crisis.Parents often seek answers outside themselves instead of tuning inwards.The emotional journey of parenting includes stages of grief.Isolation can occur even in the presence of others.Community support is crucial for healing.Parents need safe spaces to express their feelings.Healing takes time and requires patience.It’s important to recognise one’s own worthiness of healing.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Parenting Neurodivergent Kids
03:27 Understanding Burnout in Parents and Children
05:58 The Crisis Point: When Burnout Hits
11:27 The Emotional Journey of Parenting Through Burnout
16:52 Isolation and the Need for Community
22:21 Healing Together: Support Systems for Parents

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The post Understanding the Impact of Burnout on Families appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

The Kinkeeping Load: Balancing Family Expectations During The Holidays While Parenting a Child in Burnout

Kinkeeping—the unseen work of holding a family together—often falls on one person. It’s the planning, the remembering, and the emotional labour that keeps family connections alive. For many parents, especially mothers, kinkeeping becomes another full-time job.

Now imagine juggling this load while caring for a neurodivergent child in burnout. It’s like trying to balance an already heavy tray while someone keeps piling on more plates.

In this blog, we’ll unpack the challenges of kinkeeping, why setting boundaries can feel so difficult, and how to reclaim space for what truly matters: supporting your child and protecting your own mental health.

What Is Kinkeeping?

The Invisible Labor of Kinkeeping
Kinkeeping, a term first coined by sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal (McMaster University, 1985) is the behind-the-scenes work that keeps families running smoothly. It includes:

Remembering birthdays and anniversaries.Coordinating holidays, vacations, and family gatherings.Sending updates and maintaining connections between relatives.Mediating conflicts and managing family dynamics.

The role of kinkeeping is often passed from mother to daughter and comes with unspoken rules and expectations.

For neurodivergent families, kinkeeping often involves even more layers, like explaining your child’s needs to relatives or managing others’ expectations about what your family “should” do.

A recurring challenge for kin keepers is the lack of recognition for their work. This “invisible labour” often goes unappreciated, contributing to feelings of being undervalued or taken for granted. For parents juggling kin keeping with supporting a neurodivergent child, this invisibility can exacerbate stress and undermine mental well-being​ – designdash.com

My Personal Experience as a Kinkeeper

As the eldest of three daughters, I was taught from a young age how to be the perfect hostess. It was an expectation I carried into adulthood without question.

When my kids were little, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect ‘Pinterest mom.’ For every birthday, I would spend months meticulously planning—handmaking decorations, crafting themed treats, and baking elaborate cakes from scratch.

Guests would always compliment me on how amazing the parties were. But what they didn’t see was the other side of it. I was an undiagnosed AuDHDer, and those beautiful events came at a cost. There were weeks of hyperfocus leading up to the big day, often at the expense of my basic needs. The frantic, last-minute cleaning because, on any other day, my house was a disaster. And the inevitable burnout that followed once it was all over. The same cycle repeated for Christmas and every other celebration.

Now, I can’t help but worry that I’ve unintentionally passed down these impossible kinkeeping standards to my children.

The Kinkeeping Struggle During Burnout

Competing Priorities
When your child is in burnout, their recovery becomes your focus. But the rest of the world doesn’t always pause. Family members might still expect you to host holiday dinners, attend events, or keep traditions alive.

When my daughter was in burnout, I felt an overwhelming guilt whenever I said ‘no’ or stepped back from my kinkeeping responsibilities.

My husband and I often had to divide and conquer—one of us attending events with some of our children while the other stayed home with our child in burnout. It was such a shift from what we were used to, as we’d always attended these events together before.

Balancing your child’s immediate needs with external demands can leave you feeling torn and overwhelmed.

Emotional Overload
Kinkeeping isn’t just physical work; it’s deeply emotional. You might find yourself trying to manage your child’s needs while also soothing a relative upset that you’re skipping the family reunion this year.

Lack of Understanding from Others
One of the hardest parts of kinkeeping while parenting through burnout is feeling like others don’t “get it.” Family might see your decisions as overprotective or unreasonable, or give you the “in my day” speech, adding an extra layer of guilt to an already heavy load.

The Unique Struggles for Women of Color
For women of colour, kinkeeping often carries additional layers of cultural expectations and systemic pressures.

Many are seen as the “glue” holding their families together, balancing traditional roles with the challenges of navigating racism and economic disparities. When parenting an Autistic child, this weight can feel even heavier. The stigma around autism in some BIPOC communities, delays in diagnosis, and lack of culturally affirming support add to the emotional and physical toll.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard for Kinkeepers

Many parents of neurodivergent children are often advised to set boundaries during the holidays. However, this is something that is often easier said than done, for many complex reasons.

Many kinkeepers are in caregiving roles which can have a strong relationship with pleasing others.

Bringing together two sets of extended families with differing values is tricky and can cause conflict between partners. Depending on your upbringing, culture, expectations about parenting and gender roles many of us have a precarious relationship with boundary settings.

My Personal Journey with Boundaries

I’m a recovering people pleaser, and it’s a behaviour that has brought me so much self-anger, shame, and resentment toward others over the years.

When I learned about fawning as a survival response, it was like a lightbulb went off. It finally made sense. Looking back, I can see that as an undiagnosed AuDHDer in my childhood, I took on the role of peacekeeper. I worked hard to regulate the emotions of those around me because that’s how I found safety in my environment.

Setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial yet challenging for kin keepers, especially during demanding times like the holiday season. Many individuals struggle with the need to make others approve of their boundaries, which can make boundary-setting feel harder than it should. For those who grew up feeling responsible for others’ emotions, learning to set boundaries without seeking approval is essential for mental health. Recognizing that other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility can be a powerful step toward self-care and effective boundary-setting​ – designdash.com

The Boundary Misconception

Here’s where many of us go wrong with boundaries: we think setting and holding a boundary means we also have to make people like our boundaries. Spoiler: you don’t.

Your job is to set and hold the boundary—not to convince others it’s a good idea.

The Fear of Disapproval
For those of us raised to believe we’re responsible for others’ feelings, this is where boundaries get tricky. If someone is upset or disapproves of our decision, it can feel like danger—like we’ve failed or put ourselves at risk of rejection.

But here’s the truth: you’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to prioritize your child’s recovery and your family’s mental health. Other people’s feelings are not your responsibility.

Learning to Sit with Discomfort
Sometimes, setting boundaries means sitting with the discomfort of others’ disappointment or anger. It’s not easy, but it gets easier with practice. And here’s the silver lining: when you hold firm, you model self-respect and self-advocacy for your child.

For myself, learning to set boundaries—and to feel safe enough to sit with the discomfort of others’ disapproval—is an ongoing journey. One quote by Glennon Doyle has stuck with me throughout this process:

“A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.”

Practical Tips for Managing Kinkeeping During Burnout

Delegate and Simplify
You don’t have to do it all. Consider:

Letting someone else host family gatherings.Skipping traditions that feel too overwhelming.Choosing low-effort ways to stay connected, like a group text or a casual video call.

Communicate Clearly and Early
Set expectations with family ahead of time. For example:
“We’re focusing on a quiet season to support [child’s name] and our family’s needs. We won’t be able to [host, travel, etc.], but we’d love to connect in a way that works for everyone.”

Protect Time for Your Family
Create space for low-demand, meaningful moments at home. Whether it’s baking cookies together, watching a favourite movie, playing video games together or simply resting, these small acts can feel more nourishing than any big tradition.

A Pep Talk for Kin Keepers

If you’re feeling stretched thin, let this be your reminder: you don’t have to be everything to everyone. Kinkeeping doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being or your child’s needs to meet family expectations.

Kin keeping is not just about maintaining traditions but also about fostering familial solidarity and emotional well-being. However, when the burden becomes too heavy, it can strain relationships and lead to feelings of isolation. A more inclusive approach to kin keeping, which involves chosen family or friends, can help create a healthier support network​ – psychologytoday.com

You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to prioritize what matters most. And while it might feel uncomfortable to hold boundaries at first, it’s one of the most loving things you can do—for your child, your family, and yourself.

Wrapping It Up

Kinkeeping is hard work, especially when you’re also parenting a neurodivergent child in burnout. But you don’t have to carry the entire load—or make everyone happy.

This season, focus on what feels meaningful and manageable. Set boundaries that protect your family’s peace, even if others don’t fully understand. And remember: you’re doing enough.

For more tips on parenting while navigating burnout recovery, follow me or subscribe to my newsletter!

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-aftermath-of-trauma/202407/the-almost-lost-art-of-kinkeeping-makes-families-happy

https://designdash.com/2024/05/12/what-is-kinkeeping-how-can-it-impact-womens-mental-health/

Tanya Valentin is an AuDHD person, mum of three, family coach, author and podcaster.

Tanya is an educator/coach with 25 years of experience working with children and families. She specialises in guiding parents of Autistic & ADHD children and teens through burnout recovery.

She is the founder of the Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery program for parents and the host of the Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together podcast.

Tanya’s work combines education, emotional support, and practical strategies, reflecting her commitment to helping families create sustainable, connected relationships during difficult times.

Need support? Book a FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post The Kinkeeping Load: Balancing Family Expectations During The Holidays While Parenting a Child in Burnout appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Things Parents of Neurodivergent Kids in Burnout Wish Others Would Understand

Parenting a neurodivergent child or teen in burnout is one of the hardest experiences any parent can go through. Every day is filled with challenges that many outsiders struggle to comprehend. From meltdowns and shutdowns to our children’s needs for constant emotional co-regulation, as parents we often find ourselves exhausted, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

Here are some critical insights that parents of neurodivergent children in burnout wish others truly understood.

What Autistic Burnout is

Autistic burnout is often not understood by others or minimised. Many autistic individuals are misdiagnosed with another mental health condition and many parents can spend valuable time and resources on treatments that not only don’t work but can make things worse for their children.

According to Dr. Devon Price, Psychologist and Author of Unmasking Autism, “Autistic burnout results from the cumulative effects of having to navigate a world designed for neurotypical people. Recovery requires time, rest, and supportive environments.”

Autistic burnout is not simply being tired or overwhelmed. It is not the same as depression or generalised anxiety (although these can co-occur with burnout). It’s a state of intense physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion caused by prolonged stress and unmet needs. For neurodivergent kids, this often stems from navigating a world that demands they mask their true selves and conform to neurotypical expectations without adequate support.

It’s a Can’t, Not a Won’t

Autistic burnout affects our children’s ‘adaptive functioning’ or their ability to do everyday things.

When a child can’t attend school or engage in daily activities, it’s not because they don’t want to. Their nervous system is in survival mode and this makes it impossible for them to do many of the things expected of children and teens. According to Dr Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, “Behaviour is communication. When a child is in distress, the goal is to listen to what their actions are telling us, not punishing them for struggling.”

There is often overwhelming pressure put on parents to ‘correct’ their children’s behaviour by using negative consequences. However, punishing children or teens in burnout by removing privileges like screen time, setting firmer boundaries, or demanding consistency doesn’t address the root cause. Instead, it risks further harm. Many parents are left managing a situation that can feel like a matter of life and death.

Photo by JESHOOTS.com on Pexels.comThe Everyday Reality for ParentsExhaustion Beyond Words

Many parents spend their days safeguarding their child’s environment, managing self-harming behaviours, and advocating tirelessly for support—sometimes even from hospital settings.

Everyday tasks, like going to the grocery store, can become insurmountable. For some families, going without and staying home becomes the only viable option to avoid additional distress.

“My child meltdowns even if we have to leave the house for a few minutes. They need me by their side 24/7 and won’t allow anyone else, even my husband, to do things for her. I am at my wit’s end. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel!” One mother who is supporting her teenage daughter through burnout relayed to me recently.

A Safe Haven at Home

For children in burnout, home is often the only place they feel truly safe. It’s where they can rest, recover, and be themselves without external pressures.

“Home is where we drop the mask, where the world quiets, and where recovery begins.” – Sara Gibbs, Autistic Writer and Advocate.

However, maintaining this safe environment has a price. It takes immense effort from parents, who must balance providing the daily pressures of emotional and physical support with managing their own needs and the needs of other children or family members. This is on top of juggling the neverending list of ‘life-admin’ tasks parents have to manage.

Misunderstandings and InvalidationsBlame and Judgment

Parents of children in burnout are frequently unfairly blamed for their child’s struggles. Misguided advice often focuses on parenting techniques that centre on changing the child, rather than addressing systemic failures to accommodate neurodivergent needs. This judgment adds an emotional toll to an already overwhelming situation.

Research from the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry (2019) shows that creating a low-demand, predictable home environment significantly aids recovery for autistic children in burnout. However, many parents who adopt this parenting method are judged as being lazy, lax or permissive parents by others who misunderstand this approach. Much of the judgement many parents feel comes from family, friends and those closest to the parent who are doing their best under extreme pressure with very little support or understanding.

“Blaming parents for their child’s distress overlooks the systemic failures that contribute to burnout and denies families the empathy they desperately need.” – Dr. Mona Delahooke, Clinical Psychologist and Author of Beyond Behaviors.

Isolation and Sacrifice

Many parents make significant sacrifices to support their child’s recovery. This might mean reducing work hours, changing careers, or leaving jobs entirely. These changes often lead to financial strain and a sense of loss for the lives they once had. The emotional and physical demands leave little time for self-care, compounding feelings of isolation.

In my work with parents as a family coach, I often hear how lonely, misunderstood, and overwhelmed they feel. Parents of children and teens in burnout find neuro-affirming resources and support challenging to access. The lack of understanding from medical professionals about burnout leaves many parents feeling terrified and unsure of what to do next.

The National Autistic Society reports that stigma and misunderstanding are among the top challenges faced by families, often leading to social isolation and worsened caregiver stress.

The Impact on Parental Mental HealthCaregiver Burnout

The relentless pressure of caregiving puts parents at high risk for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The lack of understanding and support from others only exacerbates these challenges. Caregivers often need the same compassion and accommodations they strive to provide for their children.

According to the American Psychological Association, parents of neurodivergent children are at heightened risk of mental health challenges, with caregiver-focused support and counseling proving essential in mitigating these risks.

How You Can Help

If you know a parent who is supporting their child or teen through burnout, here are some things you can do to help.

Educate Yourself

Understanding what autistic burnout is—and isn’t—is the first step.

Recognize that these children are not “acting out” or “being difficult.” Their behaviours are signs of extreme distress, an accumulation of repeated exposure to environments that were not designed for neurodivergent people to thrive in.

Offer Support, Not Judgment

Instead of offering unsolicited advice or criticism, ask how you can help. Whether it’s running errands, offering a listening ear, or simply validating their experience, small gestures can make a significant difference.

“Never underestimate the power of a kind word, a listening ear, or a helping hand. For caregivers, small acts of support can feel like lifelines.” – Brené Brown, Researcher and Author.

Advocate for Systemic Change

Support parents by advocating for better accommodations in schools, workplaces, and healthcare systems. The burden shouldn’t fall solely on families to navigate a world that often fails to meet their needs.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.comA Judgement-Free Zone for Parents: Join Us

If you are navigating the challenges of parenting a neurodivergent child in burnout, you don’t have to do it alone.

In my program, Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery, I provide parents with insight into the complexities of burnout and practical tools and strategies as well as a supportive and judgement-free community where you’ll find understanding, and connection with others who truly get what you’re going through.

Take advantage of my 14-day free trial and experience the support firsthand.ReferencesPrice, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity.Greene, R. W. (2001). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children.Gibbs, S. (2019). Autistic Advocacy Writings and Personal Reflections.Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. (2019). Research on low-demand environments for autistic children.Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.National Autistic Society. Reports on stigma and its effects on families.American Psychological Association. (2021). Caregiver mental health statistics and recommendations.Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Tanya Valentin is an AuDHD person, mum of three, family coach, author and podcaster.

Tanya is an educator/coach with 25 years of experience working with children and families. She specialises in guiding parents of Autistic & ADHD children and teens through burnout recovery.

She is the founder of the Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery program for parents and the host of the Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together podcast.

Tanya’s work combines education, emotional support, and practical strategies, reflecting her commitment to helping families create sustainable, connected relationships during difficult times.

Need support? Book a FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Things Parents of Neurodivergent Kids in Burnout Wish Others Would Understand appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

The Crushing Weight of Parenting Through Autistic Burnout

Parenting a neurodivergent child or teen can be challenging, but when your child is in autistic burnout, the pressure can feel relentless.

Burnout impacts the entire family, and the sheer weight of managing it all can leave parents feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Understanding these pressures and addressing them is crucial for your child’s recovery and your own well-being.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.comThe Many Layers of Pressure on Parents

Parenting a child in burnout means navigating a seemingly endless list of responsibilities and emotional hurdles. The pressure comes at us from all angles, and it can feel overwhelming as we try to keep our heads above water and manage everything.

If you are a parent who is currently navigating autistic burnout alongside your child, the following pressures will feel really familiar to you:

Juggling All the ‘Things’

From life’s regular admin—bills, emails, keeping up with everyone’s schedules and keeping everyone fed and alive —to the added complexity of advocating for your child and all the appointments you need to attend and paperwork you need to fill out. The to-do list can feel insurmountable.

The Pressure of Your Own Stuff

Your trauma, stress, mental health struggles, beliefs, fears, and shame all bubble to the surface when life is turned upside down. On top of managing your child’s needs, you’re forced to confront your feelings about everything unravelling. It is little wonder that many parents risk burning out themselves or report experiencing PTSD from this experience.

Financial Strain

Burnout can make maintaining regular routines difficult. Your child may need around-the-clock care, and this means that you, like many parents, may find that you have to reduce your work hours or give up work. These changes in your ability to work can affect finances, long-term plans as well as family dynamics and your sense of self-worth and purpose as a person.

Pressure from Systems, Family, and Society

From schools demanding attendance to extended family misunderstanding the situation, parents often feel judged and unsupported. Co-parenting struggles can add another layer of tension.

Pressure from Your Child

Parents often feel the heavy responsibility of protecting their children from pressure while supporting recovery. The majority of children in burnout rely heavily on having a safe person to co-regulate with, which is exhausting and invisible work. Making your nervous system available to your child 24/7 can put a huge strain on your well-being as a parent.

The Hidden Pressure on Children

The pressure doesn’t just stop with us as parents. Our children often feel under significant pressure, too, during burnout (more than we would think).

Autistic burnout happens when a child must constantly adapt to overwhelming stress with insufficient resources or support. While parents often adjust obvious expectations like chores or school attendance, hidden stressors can persist, delaying recovery.

Here are some of the pressures children face during burnout recovery:

The Pressure to ‘Get Better‘

Children often face an unspoken expectation to recover quickly so they can return to school or other activities. This pressure—whether stated outright or implied—can deeply hinder their recovery process. Adding to this is the emotional weight of their own traumatic memories of school. For many children, the idea of returning to the environment that contributed to their burnout feels overwhelming and terrifying.

To put this into perspective, imagine leaving a toxic work environment so harmful that it left you physically and emotionally unwell, unable to get out of bed. Now, imagine someone encouraging you to get better—but only so you could return to that same toxic workplace and face the same harm again. That’s the reality many children in burnout are navigating when faced with the prospect of returning to school.

For many children recovering from Autistic Burnout, their healing can only truly start when the pressure to go back to school is completely dropped.

As Dr Naomi Fisher says, “You can’t use pressure and anxiety to stop someone from feeling anxious and pressured.”

The Emotional Weight of Parental Worry

Many children pick up on their parents’ anxieties and emotions, interpreting them as their fault. This can create a cycle of masking difficulties, further draining their limited resources.

‘Fake’ Demand Drops

According to author, Amanda Diekman, when parents drop a demand but maintain an underlying expectation, children sense that the demand hasn’t really been dropped and they still feel the pressure of it.

For example, removing screen limits but expecting the child to self-regulate their screen use as per the parent’s expectation creates ongoing pressure.

Comparison and Praise

Comparisons—whether to siblings, peers, or the child’s pre-burnout self—can increase shame and stress. Even well-meaning praise of others can unintentionally add pressure.

Subtle Forms of Pressure

Questions, reminders, or comments can unintentionally ramp up pressure. Phrases like “Have you thought about doing…” or “You used to love…” imply expectations. Negative remarks about their interests can make children feel judged.

How to Support Recovery

To facilitate recovery from autistic burnout, the goal is to reduce as much pressure as possible and increase support. Here are key strategies:

Eliminate Obvious and Hidden Stressors: Adjust both explicit demands and subtle expectations.Avoid Imperative Language: Phrases that imply “should” or comparisons can intensify pressure.Provide a Pressure-Free Environment: Allow your child the space to rest and recharge without expectations.Be Trauma-Informed: Understand that your child is navigating an emotional and physical recovery process that requires compassion and patience.Why Parents Need Support

Parenting neurodivergent children can be really challenging for many reasons. Research carried out by Boston University found that many parents of autistic children experienced levels of stress similar to that of combat soldiers. (bu.edu)

Parenting a child in burnout is one of the most emotionally draining and toughest experiences any parent can experience.

The pressure doesn’t just affect your child—it affects your ability to parent from a place of calm and connection. Remember to keep just how hard you are working, and keep your expectations of yourself realistic and manageable.

Working through your own stress, trauma, and fears and treating yourself with self-compassion is critical to supporting your child’s recovery. A trauma-informed lens recognizes the weight you carry and helps you navigate it with empathy and care for yourself.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Research has shown that parents who are part of a parent-to-parent support group have less stress, anxiety and depression and greater levels of resilience, optimism, belonging and emotional support. (nih.gov)

Our program, Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery, provides the support, tools, and community you need to lighten the load and help your child recover.

Join us today to transform your family’s journey through burnout into one of healing and connection.

Learn More About Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery Here.

References

https://www.bu.edu/autismconnections/files/2011/03/AAA-Report-14.pdf

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-flourishing-family/202109/autism-and-maternal-stress

Low-Demand Parenting: Dropping Demands, Restoring Calm, and Finding Connection with your Uniquely Wired Child – Amanda Diekman (Jessica Kingsley) 2023.

Tanya Valentin is an AuDHD person, mum of three, family coach, author and podcaster.

She specialises in guiding parents of Autistic & ADHD children and teens through burnout recovery.

She is an educator/coach who has 25 years of experience working with children and families. 

I am the founder of the Autistic Burnout Care and Recovery program for parents and the host of the Parenting Neurodivergent Kids Together podcast

The post The Crushing Weight of Parenting Through Autistic Burnout appeared first on Tanya Valentin.