Tanya Valentin's Blog, page 7

No One Is ‘Broken’ And No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’

As an AuDHD person and the mother of neurodivergent teens, who are also part of the LGBTQ+ community I often sense that the perception of us is that we are somehow ‘broken’ or ‘defective’.

A common sentiment I receive is sympathy or even pity for my ‘hard life’.

Common things I hear from others when I mention that myself or my kids are autistic are, “Wow, that must be so hard, sorry” or “You’ve really got your work cut out for you.”

I often get ‘helpful’ and unsolicited suggestions for how I can ‘cure’ my and my children’s autism by cutting out sugar, changing our diets or using supplements and therapies. One person even suggested a study where someone was ‘cured’ of their autism by being given a faeces transplant from a neurotypical person. (I kid you not!!!)

How Do I Deal With This?

Well first of all, even though we have our struggles as individuals and as a family we do not see ourselves as victims.

We are not powerless.

We do not ‘suffer’ from autism or ADHD.

Most of my challenges as a mum are not because of my or my children’s autism or ADHD but rather societal or systemic.

You see, we live in a world that pathologises our neurodivergent ways of being in the world. A world that makes our ways of making friends and communicating, our joy and passion for our special interests ‘wrong’. A world that labels the way neurodivergent children play as ‘inappropriate play’.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.comWhere Does This Negative Perception Of Autism And ADHD Come From?

As an AuDHD person I am disabled, but not in the ways you would think. As Dr Jac den Houting, an autistic person herself, a medical professional, researcher and advocate for autistic people, said in her 2019 TEDX talk:

“Disablity isn’t something I carry around with me like luggage. Instead, we use the word ‘disabled’ as a verb. Disability is being done to me. I’m actively being ‘dis-abled’ by the society around me.”

Dr Jac den Houting

Like Jac den Houting, I do not subscribe to the deficit, medical definition of disability when I think of myself and my children. Instead, I see disability through the social model of disability, which recognises that the reason that neurodivergent people are disabled is because they are disabled by the environment that they live in.

Damaging Medical Language

The medical profession has long seen autism and ADHD as ‘disorders’.

It’s in the name – Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It is still commonplace to refer to Autism and ADHD with deficit, ‘disease’ or ‘disorder’ type language.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

We get diagnosed with autism and ADHD…

The symptoms of autism and ADHD are…

The treatments are…

We are looking for a cure to end suffering…

There has been a long history in many cultures of seeing autism or ADHD as a ‘defect’ that needs to be cured (conversion therapy anyone!). For so many years the prevailing thought has been – ‘If only we made neurodivergent folks seem more ‘normal’ then we can all feel comfortable and get on.’

When you take into account all this negatively biased language it is easy to see how we might see how we as parents might want to ‘fix’ our children. After all, diseases are something we fear. As loving parents, we don’t want to see our children suffer.

Autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence are not disorders, we just have different brains. For our society to thrive and advance we need diversity.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesCultural Perceptions

There has been a lot of misrepresentation in films and other media as to what an autistic person ‘looks like’ which leads to unhelpful and exclusionary stereotypes.

There is also so much misinformation out there from seemingly ‘autistic-friendly’ organisations.

A good example of this is the horrendous ad campaign “I Am Autism” by a so-called ‘Autism Advocacy’ company, Autism Speaks which was very damaging for Autistic people. You can read a transcript of it HERE. (I must warn you in advance that it is extremely triggering which is why I did not publish a copy of it in this blog).

This video scared a lot of well-meaning and loving parents. It wasn’t so long ago that parents would rather have risked their child contracting a serious illness like measles because it was believed that the MMR vaccine caused autism. (A dangerous myth that has since been debunked).

These types of damaging rhetorics fuel the natural anxiety that parents feel about doing the best they can for their children.

So many well-meaning families follow the advice given to them to subject their children to therapies such as ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) ‘therapy’ and PBS (Positive Behavioural Support) ‘therapy’. Both so-called ‘therapies’ teach autistics to mask their autistic traits so that they can appear to be more neurotypical. Masking has since been proven to have a detrimental impact on the long-term mental well-being of autistic individuals.

Here is what Ivar Lovaas, the founder of ABA believed about autistics:

“You see, you start pretty much from scratch when you work with an autistic child. You have a person in the physical sense — they have hair, a nose and a mouth — but they are not people in the psychological sense.”

Ivar Lovaas, ABA founder

A Culture Of ‘Othered’ People

Autistic culture is a culture of the ‘othered’. We are a displaced community punctuated by intergenerational trauma and maladapted survival strategies. Unrecognised neurodivergence, low achievement in education, addiction, alcoholism and poor mental health ripple through our genealogy.

This ‘othering’ does not only apply to neurodivergent people. People have been and are still ‘othered’ for their race, religion, culture, gender, sexual orientation and for being transgender. I would like to note here that there is a large intersectionality between these groups which can further disadvantage individuals.

As a society, our answer historically has been to disadvantage ‘othered’ people by looking down at them, excluding them and segregating them.

However, call me an eternal optimist but where others see deficit I see magic.

Neurodivergent people are inherently more creative, out-of-the-box thinkers. We are the inventors, the entrepreneurs, the artists, the poets, the writers. Without neurodivergent people, we wouldn’t have things like electricity, the light bulb, the atom, Apple…

We would be poorer for not having read an Emily Dickinson poem.

The world would be without many of its most passionate citizens, warrior hearts purpose-driven to change the world.

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesWhat We As Parents Can Do

Sadly the overwhelming narrative about neurodivergent people is that there is something wrong with us. And yet affirming and validating our unique identities, and our unique culture is one of the fundamental things that we and our children need to thrive individually and as part of a community.

I am starting to see glimmers of hope and change out there in the world as more and more people are being identified as autistic, ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent. However, there is still so much work still to do, it can feel overwhelming and exhausting for a lot of people.

I believe that the change is not going to happen from within the system. It is not the ‘professionals’ or the current ‘power structure’ that will make the change happen.

Change is only made possible by the rising tide of courageous autistic, ADHD and neurodivergent voices – refusing to be silent and bravely sharing lived experiences.

Change happens through our acceptance of ourselves and our differences and by normalising different ways of thinking and doing in our homes, families and education settings.

Change happens through the relentless advocacy of parents.

This quote by Kristy Forbes speaks to this for me:

“I thought I’d teach my child about the world, turns out I have to teach the world about my child.”

Kristy Forbes

Need Support? Browse My Parenting MasterclassesPhoto by Arina Krasnikova on Pexels.com

To break this cycle we must learn to focus on changing the environment our children live in, not the child, not the autistic, ADHD or neurodivergent person.

Yes, I am aware of the complexities and inherent difficulties surrounding this idea! Changing cultural perceptions takes time and a lot of work. However, there are things that we can do, as parents.

Here are some ideas:Firstly, we must start with ourselves. We need to transform our world from the inside out. As parents, we need to become aware of and challenge our own unconscious biases and ableism.We need to own our stories, self-validate and self-authorise ourselves as experts through our lived experiences. We need to change how we refer to ourselves. Change our language from ‘disease’, and ‘deficit’ vocabulary towards autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence to more affirming vocabulary and advocating for others to do the same.Take the shame out of parenting and adopt a Connection-Focused Parenting approach that will help your children feel safe, accepted and supported by you.Support your child to identify their strengths and nurture these in them.Educating friends, and family on how to be inclusive of all neurotypes’ ways of thinking, communicating etc.Advocating wherever possible for your child’s rights with teachers and medical professionals.Being humble, respecting others’ experiences and listening.

Don’t ever forget that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world, it’s the only thing that ever has.

Aaron Sorkin.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post No One Is ‘Broken’ And No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’ appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

No One Is ‘Broken’, No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally.

This is important for all teen-parent relationships. However, even more so for our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens as they may feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodivergent teens are more likely to be affected by conditions such as RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), PDA (pervasive drive for autonomy) and sensory overwhelm which can put their nervous systems into defence mode. Our neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens need a safe place to land with us as a vital protection factor.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HEREConnection-Focused Parenting for Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teenagers Prioritises Three Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Parenting that is neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ affirming.Connection before correction.

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. That is why I have created this blog series for you. Please make sure to go back and read the other blogs in this series. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools.Principle Three – No One Is ‘Broken’ Or Needs To Be ‘Fixed’

This principle, which is closely linked to Principle One – Parent The Child You Have, is an important one especially if you are parenting a teen who is Neurodivergent or part of the LGBTQ+ community. Read this blog HERE.

As someone who has tried her best (personally and professionally) to live by the wisdom of Dr Emmi Pikler’s philosophy of respect for all beings – even the youngest babies – this principle can seem like a no-brainer. However, I see the opposite of this principle of Connection-Focused Parenting everywhere, especially with regard to neurodiversity, sexuality and gender identity.

As a neurodivergent person and the mother of neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens I often get the feeling that the perception of us is that we are ‘different’, ‘weak’ or ‘defective’.

As mentioned in one of my earlier blogs there is a lot of pressure on neurodivergent people and also those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community to conform to the neurotypical and heteronormative way of doing things. Somedays it can seem like the world is shouting at you with a million reasons why you or your children are ‘broken’ and need to be ‘fixed’.

Here is a common scenario that often happens when a family finds out that their child is Autistic:

Carl recently found out that his son Max is Autistic. He is really worried for him.

“How will Max cope in this world? Will he make friends? Will he be bullied or beaten up?”, Carl worries as he tosses and turns in bed at 2 am in the morning. “If only I can make him seem more ‘normal’ so that he will fit in, then I know he will be okay.”

I want to preface here that I don’t think that Carl is a bad parent. Carl, like so many parents, is acting from a place of love, fear and anxiety perpetuated by the culture in which he has been raised. Carl may have even been bullied at school or found it difficult to make friends because of being ‘different’ and he is projecting this experience on his son’s situation. Incidentally, this scenario can equally be applied to a teen who came out to their parent as gay or transgender.

There has been a long history in many cultures of seeing neurodiversity and even being queer as a ‘defect’ that needs to be cured (conversion therapy anyone!). For so many years the prevailing thought has been – ‘If only we made neurodivergent and or queer folks seem more ‘normal’ then we can all feel comfortable and get on.’ A myth that I am passionate about debunking.

However, here is the thing though. As long as Carl sees Max’s autism as something that needs to be ‘cured’ he will never accept Max for who is. When we focus on ‘fixing’ our children we run the risk of missing the mark with what they really need from us as parents. ‘Fixing’ our children or even rushing to help them solve their problems without validating them and their experience is one of the biggest ‘connection fails’. We cannot connect with someone who sees us (even if it is unconsciously) as ‘defective’ and in need of ‘fixing’.

Going back to our example above, Max will mistake Carl’s worry and subsequent attempts to ‘fix him’ as his Dad not loving or approving of him. This will lead to a disconnection in their relationship and a lot of conflicts. Max may develop anxiety and even depression as a result.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HEREWhere Does This Perception Of Neurodiversity And The LGBTQ+ Community Come From?

The medical profession has long seen Autism and ADHD as ‘disorders’. It’s in the name – Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. We commonly refer to these differing neurotypes with deficit, ‘disease’ type language. We get diagnosed with Autism… The symptoms of ADHD are… The treatments are… When you take into account all this negatively biased language it is easy to see how we might see how we as parents might want to ‘fix’ our children. After all, diseases are something we fear. As loving parents, we don’t want to see our children suffer.

Autism, ADHD and other neurodiversity are not disorders, we just have different brains. In order for our society to thrive and advance we need diversity.

Now don’t get me wrong, as a neurodivergent person I am disabled. However, as Dr Jac den Houting, an autistic person herself, a medical professional, researcher and advocate for autistic people, said in her 2019 TEDX talk:

“Disablity isn’t something I carry around with me like luggage. Instead, we use the word ‘disabled’ as a verb. Disability is being done to me. I’m actively being ‘dis-abled’ by the society around me.”

Dr Jac den Houting

There has been a lot of misrepresentation in films and other media as to what an Autistic person ‘looks like’. There is also so much misinformation out there from seemingly ‘Autistic Friendly’ organisations.

A good example of this is the horrendous ad campaign “I Am Autism” by a so-called ‘Autism Advocacy’ company that was very damaging for Autistic people. You can read a transcript of it HERE.

This video scared a lot of well-meaning and loving parents.

Families are still given advice and funding to subject their children to therapies such as ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) ‘therapy’ and PBS (Positive Behavioural Support) ‘therapy’. Both so-called ‘therapies’ which teach Autistics to mask their Autistic traits so that they can appear to be more neurotypical.

Here is what Ivar Lovaas, the founder of ABA believed about Autistics:

“You see, you start pretty much from scratch when you work with an autistic child. You have a person in the physical sense — they have hair, a nose and a mouth — but they are not people in the psychological sense.”

Ivar Lovaas, ABA founder

This ‘othering’ or portraying minorities as less than human does not only apply to neurodiverse people. People have been and are still ‘othered’ for their race, religion, culture, gender, sexual orientation and for being transgender.

As a society, our answer historically has been to disadvantage ‘othered’ people by looking down at them and segregating them.

Points For Reflection:

I invite you to reflect on how your thinking about neurodiversity and being part of the LGBTQ+ community was shaped by your culture:

Neurodiversity

How did your family, teachers or peers speak about neurodiversity such as Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia etc when you were growing up?How was neurodiversity portrayed in books, on television, and in movies? (Or did you even see it represented?)What conclusions did these early experiences cause you to make about neurodiversity?How does this show up in your parenting?

LGBTQ+

How did your family, teachers or peers speak about being gay, lesbian or transgender when you were growing up?How was being gay, lesbian or transgender portrayed in books, on television, and in movies? (Or did you even see it represented?)What conclusions did these early experiences cause you to make about the LGBTQ+ community?How does this show up in your parenting?What We As Parents Can Do

Part of the ‘control’ narrative of many parenting approaches is that there is something wrong with us.

In other words, there is something wrong with our kids and we did something wrong as parents for them to be this way.

Growing up wit the belief that their is something ‘wrong’ with you or that you are somehow ‘not worthy’ can lead to a lifetime of denying your own needs as you pursue proving to everyone else just how ‘unbroken’ you are.

Let me assure you, there is nothing bad or wrong with your teen and there is nothing wrong with you as a loving and supportive parent to your child.

However, I know that it is so easy to allow ourselves to be caught up in this narrative as parents. Our need for acceptance, belonging and safety for ourselves and our children can cause us to behave in a way that seeks out control over how others perceive us and our children. This need can lead us to try to modify our children which ultimately disconnects us from them. And gives them the internal dialogue that there is something shameful about them being themselves.

Connection-focused parenting sees everyone as ‘whole’ and complete, worthy of love, acceptance and respect for being who they are.

In order to break this cycle we must learn to focus on changing the environment our children live in, not the child.

Yes, I am aware of the complexities and inherent difficulties surrounding this idea! Changing cultural perceptions takes time and a lot of work. However, there are things that we can do, as parents.

Here are some ideas:Firstly, we must start with ourselves. It is essential for us to transform our world from the inside out. This looks like, we as parents becoming aware of and working on our own unconscious biases regarding neurodiversity, and sexual and gender orientations.Changing your own language from ‘disease’, and ‘deficit’ vocabulary towards neurodiversity to more affirming vocabulary and challenging others to do the same.Adopting a Connection-Focused Parenting approach that will help your teen to feel safe, accepted and supported by you.Educating friends, and family about how to be inclusive of all neurotypes, sexualities and genders.Advocating wherever possible for your child’s rights with teachers and medical professionals.Sometimes you just have to listen. As parents, we can’t fix everything for our children. Often holding space for their experiences and feelings is the best way to make them feel seen, heard and accepted.

Don’t ever forget that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world, it’s the only thing that ever has 

Aaron Sorkin.

Enjoyed this blog and want to read more in this series?

Please remember to comment and share this blog with others who it may help.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools as well as information about our Upcoming Parenting Programs.

Tanya Valentin is an Author, Podcaster, Parenting Coach and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a Neurodivergent person herself and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post No One Is ‘Broken’, No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’ appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Connection-Focused Parenting Principle Three – No One Is ‘Broken’, No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally. This means that they are more likely to come to you for and accept your advice, follow your lead and internalize your values.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HERE

Parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of your interactions with your teen. This in turn will equip your teen with a sturdy foundation of self-trust, self-acceptance, self-worth and resilience.

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. That is why I have created this blog series for you. Please make sure to go back and read the other blogs in this series. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools as well as information about our Upcoming Parenting Programs.Principle Three – No One Is ‘Broken’ Or Needs To Be ‘Fixed’

This principle, which is closely linked to Principle One – Parent The Child You Have, is an important one especially if you are parenting a teen who is Neurodivergent or part of the LGBTQ+ community. Read this blog HERE.

As someone who has tried her best (personally and professionally) to live by the wisdom of Dr Emmi Pikler’s philosophy of respect for all beings – even the youngest babies – this principle can seem like a no-brainer. However, I see the opposite of this principle of Connection-Focused Parenting everywhere, especially with regard to neurodiversity, sexuality and gender identity.

As a neurodivergent person and the mother of neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ teens I often get the feeling that the perception of us is that we are ‘different’, ‘weak’ or ‘defective’.

As mentioned in one of my earlier blogs there is a lot of pressure on neurodivergent people and also those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community to conform to the neurotypical and heteronormative way of doing things. Somedays it can seem like the world is shouting at you with a million reasons why you or your children are ‘broken’ and need to be ‘fixed’.

Here is a common scenario that often happens when a family finds out that their child is Autistic:

Carl recently found out that his son Max is Autistic. He is really worried for him.

“How will Max cope in this world? Will he make friends? Will he be bullied or beaten up?”, Carl worries as he tosses and turns in bed at 2 am in the morning. “If only I can make him seem more ‘normal’ so that he will fit in, then I know he will be okay.”

I want to preface here that I don’t think that Carl is a bad parent. Carl, like so many parents, is acting from a place of love, fear and anxiety perpetuated by the culture in which he has been raised. Carl may have even been bullied at school or found it difficult to make friends because of being ‘different’ and he is projecting this experience on his son’s situation. Incidentally, this scenario can equally be applied to a teen who came out to their parent as gay or transgender.

There has been a long history in many cultures of seeing neurodiversity and even being queer as a ‘defect’ that needs to be cured (conversion therapy anyone!). For so many years the prevailing thought has been – ‘If only we made neurodivergent and or queer folks seem more ‘normal’ then we can all feel comfortable and get on.’ A myth that I am passionate about debunking.

However, here is the thing though. As long as Carl sees Max’s autism as something that needs to be ‘cured’ he will never accept Max for who is. Max will mistake Carl’s worry and subsequent attempts to ‘fix him’ as his Dad not loving or approving of him. This will lead to a disconnection in their relationship and a lot of conflicts. Max may develop anxiety and even depression as a result.

Download My FREE PDF Guide With 5 Powerful Ways To Connect With Your Teen HEREWhere Does This Perception Of Neurodiversity And The LGBTQ+ Community Come From?

The medical profession has long seen Autism and ADHD as ‘disorders’. It’s in the name – Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. We commonly refer to these differing neurotypes with deficit, ‘disease’ type language. We get diagnosed with Autism… The symptoms of ADHD are… The treatments are… When you take into account all this negatively biased language it is easy to see how we might see how we as parents might want to ‘fix’ our children. After all, diseases are something we fear. As loving parents, we don’t want to see our children suffer.

Now don’t get me wrong, as a neurodivergent person I am disabled. However, as Dr Jac den Houting, an autistic person herself, a medical professional, researcher and advocate for autistic people, said in her 2019 TEDX talk:

“Disablity isn’t something I carry around with me like luggage. Instead, we use the word ‘disabled’ as a verb. Disability is being done to me. I’m actively being ‘dis-abled’ by the society around me.”

Dr Jac den Houting

There has been a lot of misrepresentation in films and other media as to what an Autistic person ‘looks like’. There is also so much misinformation out there from seemingly ‘Autistic Friendly’ organisations.

A good example of this is the horrendous ad campaign “I Am Autism” by a so-called ‘Autism Advocacy’ company that was very damaging for Autistic people. You can read a transcript of it HERE.

This video scared a lot of well-meaning and loving parents.

Families are still given advice and funding to subject their children to therapies such as ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) ‘therapy’ and PBS (Positive Behavioural Support) ‘therapy’. Both so-called ‘therapies’ which teach Autistics to mask their Autistic traits so that they can appear to be more neurotypical.

Here is what Ivar Lovaas, the founder of ABA believed about Autistics:

“You see, you start pretty much from scratch when you work with an autistic child. You have a person in the physical sense — they have hair, a nose and a mouth — but they are not people in the psychological sense.”

Ivar Lovaas, ABA founder

This ‘othering’ or portraying minorities as less than human does not only apply to neurodiverse people. People have been and are still ‘othered’ for their race, religion, culture, gender, sexual orientation and for being transgender.

As a society, our answer historically has been to disadvantage ‘othered’ people by looking down at them and segregating them.

Points For Reflection:

I invite you to reflect on how your thinking about neurodiversity and being part of the LGBTQ+ community was shaped by your culture:

Neurodiversity

How did your family, teachers or peers speak about neurodiversity such as Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia etc when you were growing up?How was neurodiversity portrayed in books, on television, and in movies? (Or did you even see it represented?)What conclusions did these early experiences cause you to make about neurodiversity?How does this show up in your parenting?

LGBTQ+

How did your family, teachers or peers speak about being gay, lesbian or transgender when you were growing up?How was being gay, lesbian or transgender portrayed in books, on television, and in movies? (Or did you even see it represented?)What conclusions did these early experiences cause you to make about the LGBTQ+ community?How does this show up in your parenting?What We As Parents Can Do

Part of the ‘control’ narrative of many parenting approaches is that there is something wrong with us.

In other words, there is something wrong with our kids and we did something wrong as parents for them to be this way.

Let me assure you, there is nothing bad or wrong with your teen and there is nothing wrong with you as a loving and supportive parent to your child.

However, I know that it is so easy to allow ourselves to be caught up in this narrative as parents. Our need for acceptance, belonging and safety for ourselves and our children can cause us to behave in a way that seeks out control over how others perceive us and our children. This need can lead us to try to modify our children which ultimately disconnects us from them. And gives them the internal dialogue that there is something shameful about them being themselves.

Connection-focused parenting sees everyone as ‘whole’ and complete, worthy of love, acceptance and respect for being who they are.

We must learn to focus on changing the environment our children live in, not the child.

Yes, I am aware of the complexities and inherent difficulties surrounding this idea! Changing cultural perceptions takes time and a lot of work. However, there are things that we can do, as parents.

Here are some ideas:Firstly, we must start with ourselves. It is essential for us to transform our world from the inside out. This looks like we as parents becoming aware of and working on our own unconscious biases to neurodiversity, sexual and gender orientations.Changing your own language from ‘disease’, and ‘deficit’ vocabulary to more affirming vocabulary and challenging others to do the same.Adopting a Connection-Focused Parenting approach that will help your teen to feel safe, accepted and supported by you.Educating friends, and family about how to be inclusive of all neurotypes, sexualities and genders.Advocating wherever possible for your child’s rights with teachers and medical professionals.Sometimes you just have to listen. As parents, we can’t fix everything for our children. Often holding space for their experiences and feelings is the best way to make them feel seen, heard and accepted.

Don’t ever forget that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world, it’s the only thing that ever has 

Aaron Sorkin.

Enjoyed this blog and want to read more in this series?

Please remember to comment and share this blog with others who it may help.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools as well as information about our Upcoming Parenting Programs.

Tanya Valentin is an Author, Podcaster, Parenting Coach and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a Neurodivergent person herself and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Connection-Focused Parenting Principle Three – No One Is ‘Broken’, No One Needs To Be ‘Fixed’ appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

The Importance of Seeing Your Child as ‘Good Inside’

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your child. The upside of this approach is your child is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally.

This is important for all child-parent relationships. However, even more so for our neurodivergent children and teens as many of them feel ‘othered’ by peers and society. Our neurodivergent kids are also more likely to be affected by conditions such as RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), PDA (pervasive drive for autonomy) and sensory overwhelm which can put their nervous systems into defence mode. Our children need a safe place to land with us as a vital protection factor for their mental well-being.

Need Support? Browse My Upcoming MasterclassesConnection-Focused Parenting for Neurodivergent Children and Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Affirming your child’s Neurodivergent identity.Connection before correction.Adapting your parenting approach to your child’s unique needs, strengths and difficulties.

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. That is why I have created this blog series for you. Please make sure to go back and read the other blogs in this series. You can do this HERE.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Everyone Is ‘Good Inside‘

My work as a family coach is inspired by and based on the research and wisdom of many amazing professionals in the fields of attachment, responsive parenting, polyvagal theory, emotional intelligence and non-violent communication. Last year when I was listening to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast I discovered Dr Becky Kennedy and her words just resonated with me. Dr Becky’s work is based on the idea that everyone is ‘good inside’.

Connection-focused parenting is based on the assumption that we are all fundamentally ‘good inside’. In other words, you are a good person and your teen is a good kid.

This might sound deceptively simple. Of course, our kids, and we as parents are good inside. But stay with me here. It is easy to hold onto our idea of goodness when everything is going ‘right’, when we are calm and regulated or when our kids are behaving as we believe that they ‘should’.

However, when our child has just had a meltdown, we argue with our partner about how to handle a parenting situation, or we are exhausted, overwhelmed and ‘over it’ it is very easy to see the worst in ourselves, our partner or our child. It is very easy to believe that we are ‘bad inside’.

Need Support? Browse My Upcoming MasterclassesWhy Is Believing We Are ‘Bad Inside’ So Easy?

Well first of all we are hardwired for this. Our brains and nervous systems are wired for survival and that means that our brains are wired to look out for threats – AKA seeing everything with a negative bias. That is why it is so easy to think the worst about the intentions of the people we love. If you are a neurodivergent person you may be affected by RSD which can make you extremely sensitive to rejection. This can ‘prime’ your nervous system to expect the worst as a survival strategy.

Messaging In Our Culture

Our culture also plays a huge part in our mindset about parenting. I invite you to stop here and think about some of the negative, and damaging, messaging we traditionally hear about our children (even tiny babies).

What are some of the common messages you have heard or read in your culture about children in the following stages of childhood?

BabiesToddlersYoung childrenTeenagers

Chances are you have heard that babies are ‘manipulating’ you with their cries, toddlers are ‘terrible’ and teenagers are ‘difficult’ and ‘moody’ more than once. The common way that we are taught to deal with the ‘badness’ in our children is to ignore, isolate and punish them. No wonder it is so easy for us to see them as ‘bad inside‘.

Differing Neurotypes And Communication Styles

Our family is made up of differing neurotypes. That means that our brains all work differently.

Different neurotypes communicate differently. Research has shown that neurodivergent people communicate better with other neurodivergent people and neurotypical people communicate better with other neurotypical people. Neither way of communicating is right nor wrong, they are just different and this can cause confusion and misunderstandings. This is especially true when we lack awareness or understanding and don’t make accommodations for this in our relationships.

Here is an example to illustrate my point (I would like to acknowledge that we are all different and this may not be true for everyone).

Sarah is neurotypical and the mum of 14-year-old Sophie who is autistic and recently diagnosed. Mum does not understand Sophie’s need for clear instructions when doing a task that is new to her.

She expects Sophie to use her ‘common sense’ a vague concept that is difficult for Sophie to understand. Sophie gets overwhelmed and has a meltdown because of her executive dysfunction – the information is coming through to her faster than she can deal with it. This frustrates Sarah who sees Sophie’s behaviour as disrespectful and manipulative. She yells at Sophie, which only makes the situation worse.

This is a common scenario, and if you identified with this situation please take heart Sarah and you are not bad parents. Remember you are both good inside.

Sarah did not understand Sophie’s need for clear instructions which lead to Sophie and Sarah becoming dysregulated. This could be further intensified as Sarah was taught to believe through the messaging from her culture that Sophie’s behaviour is manipulative.

If Sarah had been aware of Sophie’s differing communication needs and had the tools to modify her own communication style this situation could have gone very differently.

Need Support? Browse My Upcoming MasterclassesNeeds, Emotions, Behaviours

In direct opposition to the control-focused parenting model of modifying behaviours (the key focus of control-focused parenting), connection-focused parenting views behaviours as a window to our normal and very human needs.

As previously explained, connection-focused parents work from the assumption that their children and teens are good kids. They separate their child’s identity from their behaviour.

“many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

Now let’s be clear, this does not mean that we become permissive parents or excuse bad behaviour. However, when we remember that behind the behaviour is a good kid, it allows us the space to get curious as to why the behaviour is happening in the first place.

We can choose to see our teen as a good kid who is struggling with something that is causing the behaviour (as in my example above).

We can reframe our thinking from our teen giving us a hard time to our teen having a hard time.

After all, behaviour is just a symptom of an underlying need. Emotions are powerful information about our needs.

Realistically, as human beings, we are not going to get our needs met all of the time and neither are our kids, that would be impossible. However, when we try to understand (and help our children to understand) the needs behind their behaviours we get to the root cause of why the behaviour happened in the first place.

This leads to calmer, more regulated nervous systems (in both children and parents), reduced anxiety and perceived ‘acting out’. This thinking is equally true when considering our own self-care needs as parents too.

Becoming A Needs Detective

Overall, when we focus on needs instead of behaviour this helps us to honour our children and ourselves in a holistic, empowering way. When we destigmatise needs and hold onto our child’s inherent goodness this makes it possible for us to experience a deeper connection with them.

So you may have read this blog and be saying to yourself, “Okay I get it. I understand the importance of needs, but how do I find out what my child’s needs are? I haven’t got a clue!”

That is where the role of the Needs Detective comes in. Each of us as parents has the ability to look at the clues of our child’s behaviour and to detect what the most probable needs of our children may be.

Here are some questions to get you started:What is going on for my child right now?What is a similar thing that has happened in my life to what is happening for my child? What are some of the things that I struggle with or have struggled with in this parallel situation?What is my child likely to be feeling?What is my child feeling that I don’t understand about them?If I remember that my child is a good kid who is struggling, what might they be struggling with?What might be some of the deeper needs for my child behind this behaviour based on my answers to these questions?

Important Note: Neurodivergent children and teens have a lower tolerance to stress and change which can easily cause distress and overwhelm. For parents of autistic and or ADHD kids understanding the sensory needs of your child and supporting them by reducing demands or ‘bad’ sensory inputs or helping them seek out ‘good’ sensory inputs can have a dramatic impact on helping them to regulate their nervous systems.

Awareness of when a neurodivergent child or teenager is overstimulated and needs to retreat with no demands placed on them is vital to their well-being.

Need Support? Browse My Upcoming MasterclassesThe Positive Impact Of Multiplicity

One thing that I found to be super helpful as a parent in shifting my thinking from criticism to compassion is the notion of multiplicity. Multiplicity means that we make space for ‘two things being true’ at the same time.

Examples of this:

My child could be doing their best and might not meet the expectations that I placed on them. (Especially if the expectations placed on them do not take into account how their autism or ADHD is affecting them)I can make a bad decision and be a good parent at the same time. I can be a parent who is struggling to keep her cool and love my kid and want the best for them.

As mentioned before, the belief that we are good inside does not excuse us from our behaviour when unacceptable. However, when we can remember that ‘two things are true’ our behaviour does not define who we are as a person. We can change our mindset from ‘I am a bad parent/my child is a bad kid’ to ‘I am a good parent/ my child is a good kid who made a mistake.’

Shame hardly ever leads to a good outcome. Multiplicity thinking reduces shame and gives us the option to hold onto our inherent goodness while we make more empowered decisions free from the anxiety and panic that stems from a dysregulated nervous system. ‘Two things are true’ is an amazing tool to have in your parenting toolbox as well as your relationships with others such as a co-parent.

“Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

Mind Those Expectations

Parenting has singularly been the most rewarding and hardest job I have ever done. It is so complex!

I know firsthand, that when things are hard it can make you believe that you are doing it wrong, or that you are a bad parent.

This can be intensified if you as a person, have lived most of your life as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person with maladaptive coping strategies. It can really make you feel that you are a bad person – that you are ‘bad inside’.

We also tend to place really unrealistic expectations of what parenting should be like on ourselves. The way that parenting is portrayed can make it so easy to believe that being a good parent means that I must know everything and never make a mistake.

I myself have had times where I mistakenly believed that I had to prove my worth as a mum by providing my children with a ‘perfect’ life without any struggles or hardships. When I ‘failed’ to do this I made it mean that I was a bad parent.

For parents of neurodivergent children (especially when your kids are undiagnosed) these feelings of ‘not enoughness’ are often intensified by the implied and often explicit cultural judgements that your child’s struggles are due to ‘bad parenting’.

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.comYou Are Good Inside

If no one has told you lately, You are good inside, my friend! You are a good parent and your children are lucky to have you!

Even if you said the wrong thing, lost your sh#t or made mistakes – You are a good parent!

Even if your child or teen is struggling, has anxiety or depression and is finding life hard – You are a good parent!

Need Support? Browse My Upcoming MasterclassesOver To You

To allow you to put the principle of ‘Good Inside’ into practice, here are some further questions for reflection:

How can you see the ‘good inside’ yourself and your teen?How is shame or believing that you are ‘bad inside’ showing up in your parenting decisions?How can you use ‘two things are true’ as a parenting tool?

Please remember to comment and share this blog with others who it may help.

Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Family Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent humans. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post The Importance of Seeing Your Child as ‘Good Inside’ appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Connection-Focused Parenting – Principle Two: Everyone Is ‘Good Inside’

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally. This means that they are more likely to come to you for and accept your advice, follow your lead and internalize your values.

Parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of your interactions with your teen. This in turn will equip your teen with a sturdy foundation of self-trust, self-acceptance, self-worth and resilience.

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. That is why I have created this blog series for you. Please make sure to go back and read the other blogs in this series. You can do this HERE.

Each blog explores one of the principles of connection-focused parenting. By reading these blogs, you will receive practical tools that you can take away and use in your real-life situation.

Connection-Focused Parenting – Principle Two: Everyone Is ‘Good Inside‘

My work as a parenting coach is inspired by and based on the research and wisdom of many amazing professionals in the fields of attachment, responsive parenting, polyvagal theory, emotional intelligence and non-violent communication. Last year when I was listening to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast I discovered Dr Becky Kennedy and her words just resonated with me. Dr Becky’s work is based on the idea that everyone is ‘good inside’.

Connection-focused parenting is based on the assumption that we are all fundamentally ‘good inside’. In other words, you are a good person and your teen is a good kid.

This might sound deceptively simple. Of course, our kids, and we as parents are good inside. But stay with me here. It is easy to hold onto our idea of goodness when everything is going right. When we are calm and regulated. When our teens are behaving as we believe that they should.

However, when our teen has just had a meltdown. We argued with our partner about how we handled a parenting situation. Or we are exhausted, overwhelmed and ‘over it’ it is very easy to see the worst in ourselves, our partner or our teen. It is very easy to believe that we are ‘bad inside’.

Why Is Believing We Are ‘Bad Inside’ So Easy?

Well first of all we are hardwired for this. Our brains and nervous systems are wired for survival and that means that our brains are wired to look out for threats – AKA seeing everything with a negative bias. That is why it is so easy to think the worst about the intentions of the people we love.

Messaging In Our Culture

Our culture also plays a huge part in our mindset about parenting. I invite you to stop here and think about some of the negative, and damaging, messaging we traditionally hear about our children (even tiny babies).

What are some of the common messages you have heard or read in your culture about children in the following stages of childhood?

BabiesToddlersYoung childrenTeenagers

Chances are you have heard that babies are manipulating you, toddlers are ‘terrible’ and teenagers are ‘difficult’ and ‘moody’ more than once. The common way that we are taught to deal with the ‘badness’ in our children is to ignore, isolate and punish them. No wonder it is so easy for us to see them as ‘bad inside‘.

Differing Neurotypes And Communication Styles

Our family is made up of differing neurotypes. That means that our brains all work differently.

Different neurotypes communicate differently. Research has shown that neurodivergent people communicate better with other neurodivergent people and neurotypical people communicate better with other neurotypical people. Neither way of communicating is right nor wrong, they are just different and this can cause confusion and misunderstandings. This is especially true when we lack awareness or understanding and don’t make accommodations for this in our relationships.

Here is an example to illustrate my point (I would like to acknowledge that we are all different and this may not be true for everyone).

Sarah is neurotypical and the mum of 14-year-old Sophie who is autistic and recently diagnosed. Mum does not understand Sophie’s need for clear instructions when doing a task that is new to her.

She expects Sophie to use her ‘common sense’ a vague concept that is difficult for Sophie to understand. Sophie gets overwhelmed and has a meltdown because of her executive dysfunction – the information is coming through to her faster than she can deal with it. This frustrates Sarah who sees Sophie’s behaviour as disrespectful and manipulative. She yells at Sophie, which only makes the situation worse.

This is a common scenario, and if you identified with this situation please take heart Sarah and you are not bad parents. Remember you are both good inside.

Sarah did not understand Sophie’s need for clear instructions which lead to Sophie and Sarah becoming dysregulated. If Sarah had been aware of Sophie’s differing communication needs and had the tools to modify her own communication style this situation could have gone very differently.

Needs, Emotions, Behaviours

In direct opposition to the control-focused parenting model of modifying behaviours (the key focus of control-focused parenting), connection-focused parenting views behaviours as a window to our normal and very human needs.

As previously explained, connection-focused parents work from the assumption that their teens are good kids. They separate their child’s identity from their behaviour.

“many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

Now let’s be clear, this does not mean that we become permissive parents or excuse bad behaviour. However, when we remember that behind the behaviour is a good kid, it allows us the space to get curious as to why the behaviour is happening in the first place.

We can choose to see our teen as a good kid who is struggling with something that is causing the behaviour (as in my example above).

We can reframe our thinking from our teen giving us a hard time to our teen having a hard time.

After all, behaviour is just a symptom of an underlying need. Emotions are powerful information about our needs.

Realistically, as human beings, we are not going to get our needs met all of the time and neither are our teens, that would be impossible. However, when we try to understand (and help our teens to understand) the needs behind the behaviour we get to the root cause of why the behaviour happened in the first place. This leads to calmer, more regulated nervous systems (in both teens and parents), reduced anxiety and perceived ‘acting out’. This thinking is equally true when considering our own self-care needs as parents too.

Becoming A Needs Detective

Overall, when we focus on needs instead of behaviour this helps us to honour our children and ourselves in a holistic, empowering way. When we destigmatise needs and hold onto our inherent goodness, this makes it possible for us to experience a deeper connection with ourselves and with others.

So you may have read this blog and be saying to yourself, “Okay I get it. I understand the importance of needs, but how do I find out what my teen’s needs are? I haven’t got a clue!”

That is where the role of the Needs Detective comes in. Each of us as parents has the ability to look at the clues of our teen’s behaviour and to detect what the most probable needs of our children may be.

Here are some questions to get you started:What is going on for my teen right now?What is a similar thing that has happened in my life to what is happening for my teen? What are some of the things that I struggle with or have struggled with in this parallel situation?What is my teen likely to be feeling?What is my teen feeling that I don’t understand about them?If I remember that my teen is a good kid who is struggling, what might they be struggling with?What might be some of the deeper needs for my teen behind this behaviour based on my answers to these questions?

Important Note: Neurodivergent teens have a lower tolerance to stress and change which can easily cause distress and overwhelm. For parents of autistic teens, or those with ADHD, understanding the sensory needs of your child and supporting them by reducing ‘bad’ sensory inputs and helping them seek out ‘good’ sensory inputs can have a dramatic impact on helping them to regulate their nervous systems. Awareness of when a neurodivergent teen is overstimulated and needs to retreat with no demands placed on them is vital to their well-being.

Good Inside For Parents

Parenting has singularly been the most rewarding and hardest job I have ever done. It is so complex! I know firsthand, that when things are hard it can make you believe that you are doing it wrong, or that you are a bad parent. In some cases, it can make you feel that you are a bad person – that you are ‘bad inside’.

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of what parenting should be like or what our job really is. We can believe that being a good parent means that I must know everything and never make a mistake.

Or that we have to provide our children with a ‘perfect’ life and if we ‘failed’ to do this it means that we are bad parents.

We may see it as our job to ‘fix’ everything for our children so that they never experience challenges or uncomfortable emotions. If we can’t achieve this easily or our children struggle we can see this as a reflection of how well we are doing at parenting. When we compare ourselves to some of these common beliefs about what it means to be a good parent we may fail to live up to our expectations.

Mind Those Expectations

When my children were little I read a meme on Facebook.

My goal as a mother: Raise children who don’t have to recover from their childhood.

I read this quote and thought to myself; “Yes!!! I will be this mother for my children!”. And I went on to try my best to do things ‘perfectly.’

Despite my best efforts my children struggled socially and were bullied at school by other children. My children developed anxiety, had panic attacks and experienced depression.

My own teen experience with poor mental health and being unable to make friendships with others really shaped my thinking about accessing help from mental health professionals. As a teen, therapy was framed to me in the context of ‘punishment’ for bad behaviour. When I came to the realisation that my children needed help for their mental health I viewed this as – ‘I did something wrong. I am a bad mother’. I unconsciously internalised this as – ‘I couldn’t protect my children. I/they are being punished’.

My shame intensified when I found out that my children were autistic at 17 and 18 years of age. Not because they are autistic but because I had no idea that they were autistic for their entire childhoods under my care. You see, I had this belief that everyone should see me as capable, confident and ‘put together’ – all-knowing. The glaring reality that I needed help, to me, meant that I failed.

I felt such immense shame.

And because I felt shame, I delayed getting help for my children. I was certain that I would be judged as an unfit mother. I was petrified! This (I have since learned) is something that a lot of parents struggle with and is one of the main reasons why parents don’t ask for help. We easily can fall into the trap of parenting from our fear and shame.

You Are Good Inside

If no one has told you lately, You are good inside, my friend! You are a good parent and your children are lucky to have you!

Even if you said the wrong thing, lost your sh#t or made mistakes – You are a good parent!

If you didn’t know, delayed getting your child help or struggle to ask for help – You are a good parent!

Even if your teen is struggling, has anxiety or depression and is finding life hard – You are a good parent!

One thing that I found to be super helpful in shifting my thinking from self-criticism to self-compassion is the notion of multiplicity. Multiplicity means that we make space for ‘two things being true’ at the same time.

Examples of this:

I can be a parent who has made mistakes and is doing their best at the same time. I can make a bad decision and be a good parent at the same time. I can be a parent who is struggling to keep her cool and love my kid and want the best for them.The Positive Impact Of Multiplicity

As with our teens, the belief that we are good inside does not excuse us from our behaviour when unacceptable. Nor does it absolve us from our responsibility to make repairs with our teen for our behaviour. However, when we can remember that ‘two things are true’ our behaviour does not define who we are as a person. We can change our mindset from ‘I am a bad parent’ to ‘I am a good parent who made a mistake.’

Shame hardly ever leads to a good outcome. Multiplicity thinking reduces shame and gives us the option to hold onto our inherent goodness while we make more empowered decisions free from the anxiety and panic that stems from a dysregulated nervous system. ‘Two things are true’ is also an amazing tool to have in your parenting toolbox as well as your relationships with others.

“Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

Do you resonate with Connection-Focused Parenting as a parenting approach? Find out more about the Seen Heard Accepted Group Parenting Program. Over To You

Here are some further questions for reflection:

How can you see the ‘good inside’ yourself and your teen?How is shame or believing that you are ‘bad inside’ showing up in your parenting decisions?How can you use ‘two things are true’ as a parenting tool?Enjoyed this blog and want to read more in this series?

Please remember to comment and share this blog with others who it may help.

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools as well as information about our Upcoming Parenting Programs.

Tanya Valentin is an Author, Podcaster, Parenting Coach and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a NeuroQuestioning person herself and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

The post Connection-Focused Parenting – Principle Two: Everyone Is ‘Good Inside’ appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

The One Thing Your Teen Needs Most From You – Radical Acceptance, How To Give It

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on establishing a mutually trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship with your teen. The upside of this approach is your teenager is more likely to let down their guard around you and see you as an ally. This means that they are more likely to come to you for and accept your advice, follow your lead and internalize your values.

Parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of your interactions with your teen. This in turn will equip your teen with a sturdy foundation of self-acceptance, self-worth and resilience.

This parenting approach allows your teen to feel seen, heard and accepted for who they are as their authentic selves. A teenager who feels seen, heard and understood is more likely to cooperate because of the love and trust that is established between the parent and the child. The resulting feelings of belonging create an emotional environment where teens can develop compassion and empathy and learn to care about the impact of their behaviours on others intrinsically.

Being A Connection-Focused Parent In A Control-Focused World

Many parents understand what connection-focused parenting is in theory. However, parents struggle to know how to be a connection-focused parent in practice. One of the main challenges for us adults is that we ourselves were raised in control-focused parenting culture. This is a primary parenting style that many of our parents used on us. Control-focused parenting emphasizes modifying children’s behaviours so that they will conform and ‘fit in’.

Read more about Connection-Focused Parenting vs Control-Focused Parenting here

You don’t have to look far beyond the slew of social media posts on Facebook, Instagram and Tik Tok. Posts on ‘reparenting ourselves’ and ‘how to heal trauma’, as well as the alarming number of people in therapy, highlight the long-term consequences that generations of control-focused parenting have had on our combined psyche.

So many parents have reflected to me the harm that being ‘controlled’ by techniques such as time-outs, smacking, ignoring and punishment and’ never feeling as if they were enough’ had on them. They want to do something different for their children but don’t know how.

This leaves us with a conundrum. Many of us don’t want to be like our parents but don’t have the tools that allow us to be any different.

And as the old saying goes:

“When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail”

Abraham Maslow

A Community Of Cycle Breakers

If this is something that you have identified in your own childhood and/or parenting experience. If this is something you are wanting to change or you are actively working on changing please know that you are not a bad person and you are not a parent.

We can only (every single one of us) ever do the best with the tools that we have. When we have new tools we do better.

As a fellow parent and parenting educator, I know one thing for certain about you. If you are here reading this blog and are contemplating a change that you, my friend, are an extraordinary human being. You are a brave, courageous cycle breaker, ready to dig deep and do the work to heal generations of trauma for yourself and your kids. This is not something that is easily done or for the faint-hearted. However, it is some of the most important work you will ever do for yourself and your family.

Welcome to the community of Cycle Breakers!

Connection-Focused Parenting Blog Series

My previous blog, What Is Connection-Focused Parenting And Why It Is Important For Your Teen, briefly touched on a few foundation principles of connection-focused parenting. I wanted to go a bit deeper into the principles. My goal is to give parents practical applications of the connection-focused approach to parenting.

That is why I have created this blog series for you. Each blog will explore one of the principles of connection-focused parenting. By reading these blogs, you will receive practical tools that you can take away and use in your real-life situation.

These principles are universal and work for families of neurotypical and neurodivergent teens (or a mixture of both). However, there is no one size fits all and only you will know if they are suitable for you and your family. Wherever possible I have endeavoured to include research and ways that these principles can be used in an LGBTQ+ and Neurodivergent-affirming way.

Fear of missing out? Make sure to subscribe to this blog. Be the first to know when a new blog is available.

Principle One – Radical Acceptance AKA Parent The Child You Have

To me, this is the most fundamental principle of connection-focused parenting. It is the most important principle. We cannot form an authentic connection with someone when we are trying to change them to become who we think they should be. Radical acceptance is something that all children and teens need from their parents. It is a fundamental human need, and yet, even though it is the most essential principle of connection-focused parenting, as a parent it is the most tender and difficult principle to apply due to our innate human need to be accepted.

Let me illustrate this point with Mary and Darcy’s story:

Darcy is a seventeen-year-old autistic. Her mother Mary wants Darcy to be happy and have friends. Mary notices how other teenage girls are around Darcy. They say mean things to Darcy and don’t want to be around her. This reminds Mary of her own awkward teenage years when she was bullied and didn’t have any friends. Mary desperately wants to spare Darcy this hurt. Mary suggests that Darcy stops talking about her special interest to other girls and acts more like them so that she will fit in and have more friends.

The ‘Not Enough’ Wound

Now I want to be clear here, in my opinion, Mary is not a bad parent. If you identified with Mary in this scenario, you are not a bad parent.

Mary’s strategies, although potentially damaging to Darcy, come from a place of love and fear for her daughter. Many of us inherited a wound of ‘not enoughness’ from our own parents. Whether we were compared to a sibling, had a parent who lived vicariously through us, or had impossibly high expectations, we bear the scars of this. Our experiences during our formative years with peers also leave their mark. This wires up our nervous system in a way that causes us to act defensively.

Our children’s behaviours trigger this wound. Many parents react in a similar way to Mary. This wound can stir up tremendous fear for our children in us. We also feel the shame that we were somehow ‘not enough’ to protect them from our experiencing the same childhood pain we endured.

We can get so stuck in our thinking of the child we were supposed to have or the parenting experience we were supposed to have. This view, which is largely influenced by the predominant messages from our culture, can cause us to think that we are doing something wrong when our reality does not live up to our expectations. We stop seeing our children’s behaviours as a window to their needs as individuals separate from us and instead see these behaviours as confirmation that we are doing a bad job as parents.

Every culture has them, the ‘unwritten rules’ of what we need to do to ‘fit in’. How we are supposed to be – how our children are supposed to be. The narrowly defined prerequisites of what successful parenting should look like.

Our attachment to our expectation of ‘what it was meant to be like’ is the main source of the feelings of grief that so many parents experience when their child is diagnosed as neurodivergent or comes out to them as queer or transgender.

We first have to let go of the child that our culture led us to believe that we ‘should’ to have so that we can accept and love the child we have.

Tanya Valentin

Points For Reflection

I invite you to take a moment here to think about yourself and your culture.

What was communicated to you as a child (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good child’?What was communicated to you (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good person’?What was communicated to you (explicitly and subtly) about what it meant to be a ‘good parent’?How does the culture (family influences, teachers, books, television shows, movies, social media etc.) that you live in reinforce these messages?How much of your beliefs about parenting was your idea and how much of your beliefs are just messages that you heard from others and never thought to question?What do you need to heal or let go of in order to practise more acceptance of yourself and your teen?How To Practice Radical Acceptance

The messages we received from our culture can be tough to go against. As humans, our programming is all about fitting in and being accepted. This is a deep existential and multi-generational wound. A wound that we instinctively try to protect our children from through our control-focused strategies. A deep part of ourselves remembers the isolation, and the punishment we received for not conforming. The fear and shame from our ‘not enoughness’ causes us to try to modify our children as we react to shut down what we see in them that was not allowed in us.

The goal of the control-focused parenting approach is to modify the child to fit into a particular mould so that they will be accepted by others. Parenting from a place of comparison of our child to another or trying to ‘change the child’ causes our teens to compare themselves to others. Our children come to judge themselves as falling short in some way. They then fall into a vicious cycle of ‘trying harder’ to meet others’ expectations. The more we try to ‘change the child’ the more we risk invalidating who they are and communicating to them that they are unworthy because they don’t meet our or others’ expectations.

Now I’m not saying that you have to like or even accept your teen’s bad behaviours. I am not saying that you need to ‘get over’ what you are feeling or bypass your emotions. Where you are in your parenting journey and how you feel are totally valid. What I am simply asking you to do is accept the reality of who your child is and parent from this place.

When you argue with reality, you lose— but only 100% of the time.

Byron Katie

Parenting The Child You Have, means that you stop focusing on your and other people’s expectations of who your child should be. You stop trying to control, change and mould them. Instead, you accept them for who they are. A person – whole, complete in their own right. A beautiful, unique soul burning with their own indescribable light.

Instead of defining your child by their outward behaviour, I challenge you to see your child. Hear your child. Love and accept your child for who they are. This radical acceptance is the greatest gift we can give to our children.

Radical Acceptance And Implications For Parenting Neurodivergent Teens

The principle of Parent The Child You Have, focuses on meeting the individual needs of the child. This is important for all children but even more so for families of children who are neurodivergent.

There is still a huge misconception out there that Autism, ADHD etc. are illnesses that need to be ‘cured’. Another dominant misconception is that neurodivergent children and teens need to be taught how to act more ‘normal’ to fit in. This thinking is widespread due to generations of ignorance and misinformation about neurodiversity.

Whether your teen has been formally diagnosed or not, neurodivergent teens have a deep inner knowing that they are different from their peers. Teens who are part of the LGBTQ+ community don’t choose their sexuality or gender, they are born knowing. When they are raised in a control-focused environment this intensifies this feeling of being ‘othered’ and the need to try to fit in. Many neurodiverse people are only diagnosed as Autistic or with ADHD later in life and have learned to mask to fit in.

Neurodivergent children and teens are more susceptible to RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria).

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short – failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.

attitudemag.com

Many Autistics use masking as a strategy to make others feel more comfortable around them and to protect themselves from the rejection of others. Masking is exhausting and has been proven to have dire consequences for neurodivergent persons including anxiety, depression, burn-out and suicide.

Putting This Into Practice

Putting this concept into practice can be as simple as changing the questions you ask yourself about parenting your teen.

Old question – “How can I change my teen so that they will be prepared for the future?”New question – “How can I love, accept, enjoy and celebrate the person that they are now?“Old Question – “How can I modify my teen’s behaviour so that they will meet the comfort needs of others?”New Question – “How can I teach my teen to look inside themselves so that they can trust that their own intuition and needs are important and valid?”Old question – “How do I get my teen to conform so that other people will accept them?” New question – “How do I support my teen to be the person they are so that they can know, accept and feel safe inside themselves?”Healing For Families

For our teens to feel genuinely safe they need to be seen, heard, accepted and loved for who they are.

When we can love and accept these orphaned parts of ourselves in our children it provides an opening for us as parents to go back to where we stopped loving ourselves and love and accept the person we are. Instead of triggering feelings of shame and inadequacy, our radical acceptance of our teens offer us a powerful invitation for reparenting and healing ourselves.

In this way, our communication through our thoughts, intentions and actions of our children’s ‘enoughness’ is powerful healing for both parent and child.

Enjoyed this blog and want to read more in this series?

Subscribe to The Connected Parent Blog and get notified when a new blog is published straight to your email inbox. Don’t miss our Weekly Blog full of Inspiration and helpful Parenting Tools as well as information about our Upcoming Parenting Programs.

Tanya Valentin is an Author, Podcaster, Parenting Educator and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teens.

As a NeuroQuestioning person herself and a proud mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teens, she works to support, educate and spread awareness and acceptance.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. She is committed to making a difference in the world by equipping parents and families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+teens and young people with the tools they need to connect with and empower their children to feel safe being who they are so that they can take up the space they were born to fill.

The post The One Thing Your Teen Needs Most From You – Radical Acceptance, How To Give It appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

What Is Connection-Focused Parenting And Why It Is Important For Your Neurodivergent Teen

I am a parent of three neurodivergent teenagers and so I know that parenting teens can be tough. For many parents, the turbulent uncharted territory of the teenage years can feel like a minefield. Your amiable, loving kid who just yesterday, couldn’t bear to be apart from you pulls away from you and starts locking themselves in their room.

Suddenly your teen’s friends’ opinions supplant yours as the most important. At times it may seem as if they can’t stand you, they don’t want you around and are literally counting the days until they finish school and can leave home to live their own life away from you.

This is all part and parcel of a normal stage in your child’s growth and development. However, it can feel overwhelmingly confusing, hard and quite frankly, horrible.

And yet despite all evidence to the contrary, this is a time when your teen needs connection with you as their parent the most. However, they may not be able to communicate this to you. They also need connection with you in a different way than before. Your teen needs you in a way that a therapist once related to me as, “firing you as a manager and hiring you back as a consultant”.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

How To Connect With Your Teen

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on creating relationships with our teens based on mutual respect and trust.  Connection-Focused Parenting allows both parent and teen to feel seen, heard and accepted for who they are as their authentic selves. This in turn equips our teens with a sturdy foundation of self-acceptance, self-worth, self-trust, self-confidence and resilience.

Most parenting approaches are based on either connection or control.

The goal of connection-focused parenting is to establish a trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship. The result of this approach is your teenager becomes more likely to see you as an ally, accept your advice, follow your lead and internalize your values.

The goal of control-oriented parenting is to change your teen by modifying their behaviour. Control-focused parenting relies on ‘power over’ strategies such as negativity, aggression, punishment, criticism, intimidation and rejection. This style of parenting may result in short-term obedience out of fear. But in the long term, this will result in rebellion and power struggles between you and your teen. Your teen may outwardly comply with your requests while hiding their real feelings and behaviours from you.

A connection-focused approach results in a desire to comply because of genuine caring. Parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of interactions. It offers children choices and helps them learn to be responsible and accountable for their actions while feeling good about themselves. When a child feels connected to a parent, they develop compassion and empathy. This results in feelings of belonging. They learn to intrinsically care about the impact of their behaviours on others. Teens who feel seen, heard and understood are more likely to cooperate because of the love and trust that is established between the parent and the child.

Connection-Focused Parenting For Neurodivergent Teenagers Prioritises Four Things:Secure attachment with a significant adult.Affirming your teen’s Neurodivergent identity.Connection before correction, ‘fixing’ or advice-giving.Adapting your parenting approach to your teen’s unique needs, strengths and difficulties.

In this blog, I focus mainly on secure attachment and how connected-focused parenting can support your attachment with your teen. To read more about how you can parent your teen in a neuro- affirming way and adapt your parenting approach to meet their unique needs, strengths and difficulties read my blog series HERE

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

Attachment

In order to understand Connection-Focused Parenting better we need a basic understanding of what attachment is and how it works.

All humans are born with an innate instinct to form attachments with others. Babies are wired to attach to their primary caregivers because their survival depends on this. Infants arrive with a ‘package’ of ‘attachment tools’ such as crying, cooing, mimicking facial expressions and crying.

Attachment is a dynamic, two-way process between the infant and the person who is most responsive to their needs. Infants send out cues to the person they are attached to. The adult then meets the needs of the infant signalling to the infant that they can be trusted. This forms a secure attachment from where the infant learns to decern whether or not the world is a safe, ‘trustworthy‘ place.

A child’s secure attachment with their primary caregiver gives them a ‘safe base’ from which to explore the world and relationships with others. A secure attachment allows a child to have the inner knowing that they have a predictable, safe pair of hands ready to welcome them when they need to come back for reassurance.

Long-Term Consequences Of Early Attachment

John Bowlby, the founder of Attachment Theory, theorised that the quality of the initial infant/carer attachment can have far-reaching, life-long consequences for the holistic health and well-being of an individual.

According to Dr Becky Kennedy, a child will take what they learned in their early attachment with their primary caregiver and make the following assumptions about themselves, relationships and the world based on their lived experience of these questions,

“Am I lovable and good and desirable to be around? Will I be seen and heard? What can I expect of others when I am upset? What can I expect of others when I am overwhelmed? What can I expect of others when we disagree?…Children are learning how relationships work at the same time that they are locked into a relationship with us.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

It is important to know that even though a secure, early attachment is the most favourable for a connected parent-child relationship it is never too late. Due to neuroplasticity our brains and nervous systems are always capable of rewiring.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

Photo by Alexander Kuzmin on Pexels.comControl-Focused Parenting VS Connection-Focused ParentingControl-Focused Parenting

Through my experiences as a child, as a parent and in my early career as an early childhood teacher I was trained to focus on modifying children’s behaviour. I was taught all kinds of ‘positive child guidance’ strategies such as; smacking, ‘time-out’, ‘the naughty step’, star charts and consequences.

Everything I was taught was based on how to control a child’s behaviour so that it was acceptable to others through the use of positive and negative reinforcement. If the child behaved in a way that was agreeable and compliant they were considered a ‘good child’. You in turn were perceived as a ‘good parent’ or teacher. If your child had a tantrum or misbehaved they were seen as a ‘bad child’. You were judged as being a ‘bad parent‘ or teacher.

Control-focused parenting strategies are based on the assumption that there is something wrong with our children. This presumes that our children are inherently ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ and need ‘correcting’. Control-focused parenting assumes that our kids are manipulative and trying to control us with their behaviour. The presumption is that they are ‘bad’ kids doing ‘bad’ things. That it is our job to ‘fix’ them to make them more acceptable to others.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

Cultural Attitudes To Parenting

Just take a look at this ‘parenting proverb’ from my childhood; “spare the rod, spoil the child”.

This bit of ‘parental wisdom’, and so many others from this era, feeds the fear that if we don’t control or punish our children they will grow up to be ‘bad’ people. This reinforces our ultimate fear as human beings that our children will be rejected from the ‘tribe’, and us by default as parents, because we didn’t raise our children ‘right’.

The overwhelming message that a child receives from this control-focused approach is that they are fundamentally ‘bad’. Parts of them are unlovable, unacceptable and need to be hidden because no one wants to know these parts. This is particularly prevalent for neurodivergent teens who often feel that they must mask their differences to fit in with what is considered ‘normal’.

Consequences Of Control-Focussed Parenting

Control-focused parenting strategies fuel feelings of shame, separation and isolation. It causes parents and teens to struggle to control each other causing separation.

This approach can lead to feelings of shame, people-pleasing and conditions such as anxiety and depression. Parenting that focuses on control can lead to teen behaviours such as self-harm or numbing themselves with sex, alcohol and drugs.

Control-focused parenting can lead to more panic attacks and autistic meltdowns for Autistic teens. Teens who have ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), or Autism with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, are more likely to respond to control-focused parenting strategies with rebellion and defiance.

Connection-Focused Parenting

We all want to feel seen heard and accepted for who we are and to be treated with dignity and respect. We seek out people in our lives whom we can love and who will return that love to us. For teens, in particular, the fear of not belonging can feel like an existential threat.

There is so much going on for our teens. Our teen’s brains and bodies are undergoing major changes. They have the innate drive to separate and ‘individualise’ themselves from their parents. At the same time, teens have huge emotional needs that they don’t know how to express. They are in a stage of being ‘big/little’. This can be the source of a lot of internal struggle and conflict.

Many teens find their own emotions and the unpredictability of what is happening inside of them to be extremely scary. If a teen is exploring their sexuality, questioning their gender or sense they may be ‘different’ in some way this can add to their feelings of fear or anxiety. Many teens fear that they will be seen as ‘too much’ or unlovable by their parents and will be rejected because of this. This fuels a need in the teen to try to take back control from the parent by defying them.

Connection-focused parenting views the parent-teen relationship as a partnership where both partners are ‘whole’ and sovereign beings. We do things ‘with’ our teens, not ‘to’ them. Although we have different roles in the relationship, leadership is shared. In this relationship, reciprocal respect and trust are nurtured.

A strong, secure connection with a significant adult during the teenage years is an important protective factor for teen mental health as it supports teens to develop a strong sense of self-trust and self-worth.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

Connection With Ourselves First

Before we hope to influence our children and their behaviour we must first connect with them. However, before we can connect with our children we must first be connected with ourselves.

All so-called ‘bad’ behaviours stem from a state of emotional dysregulation. When we are emotionally dysregulated we are disconnected from ourselves. In other words, we lose the ability for our brains to think rationally and for us to restore calm to our bodies. This manifests outwardly as anger, rage, shouting, arguing, shutting down, panic attacks or meltdowns. When we are disconnected from ourselves it is impossible for us to connect with others. In fact, our dysregulation will most likely trigger dysregulation in others.

Strong emotions are extremely ‘catchy’. By learning how to connect to our own emotions and self-regulate as parents we can hold space for our children and act as a co-regulation partner with them. In other words, our ‘calm’ calms them.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodivergent Teen

Shifting The Paradigm On Behaviours

The key difference between the two parenting approaches is in how they view needs, emotions and behaviour.

Many of us were raised in a culture that vilifies needs, emotions and behaviours. Whereas the control-focused approach is all about controlling the behaviours of children, the connection-focused approach sees emotions and behaviour as a ‘window’ to the needs of the child. This fosters curiosity as to why our children are behaving in a particular way and allow us to focus on the needs that are not being met.

Beneath every behavior there is a feeling, and beneath each feeling there is a need. When we meet that need rather than focusing on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.

Ashleigh Warner

Connection-focused parenting strategies are built on the foundation that we are all ‘good inside’. That is – you and your teen are fundamentally ‘good’. Our ‘goodness’ is something that is inherently ours and not something we need to earn from others. Our behaviours are not a reflection of whether we are ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Connection-focused parenting views needs, emotions and behaviours as seen as normal parts of being human. Through this lens needs, emotions and behaviours are neither good nor bad. Instead, they are viewed as useful bits of information that we use to navigate the human experience.

When we create a safe haven in ourselves full of love and compassion we are able to hold our children in the generosity of our assumptions. At its core, connection-focused parenting is based on our connection to our shared humanness.

We reinforce this by modelling connecting with our needs in ourselves and in them and meeting these needs. This in turn allows our children to internalise this practice so that they become better skilled to meet their own needs and the needs of others.

To find out more about connection-focused parenting join my Connected Parent Newsletter to receive my weekly blog as well as information about my monthly parent education webinars.Meet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post What Is Connection-Focused Parenting And Why It Is Important For Your Neurodivergent Teen appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

What Is Connection-Focused Parenting And Why It Is Important For Your Teen

I am a parent of three teenagers and so I know that parenting teens can be tough. For many parents, the turbulent uncharted territory of the teenage years can feel like a minefield. Your amiable, loving kid who just yesterday, couldn’t bear to be apart from you pulls away from you and starts locking themselves in their room.

Suddenly your teen’s friends’ opinions supplant yours as the most important. At times it may seem as if they can’t stand you. They don’t want you around and are literally counting the days until they finish school and can leave home to live their own life away from you.

This is all a normal stage of your child’s growth and development. However, it can feel overwhelmingly confusing, hard and quite frankly, horrible.

And yet despite all evidence to the contrary, this is a time when your teen needs connection with you as their parent the most. However, they need connection with you in a different way than before. Your teen needs you in a way that a therapist once related to me as, “firing you as a manager and hiring you back as a consultant”.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

How To Connect With Your Teen

Connection-Focused Parenting is a parenting style that focuses on creating relationships with our teens based on mutual respect and trust.  Connection-Focused Parenting allows both parent and teen to feel seen, heard and accepted for who they are as their authentic selves. This in turn equips our teens with a sturdy foundation of self-acceptance, self-worth, self-trust, self-confidence and resilience.

Most parenting approaches are based on either connection or control.

The goal of connection-focused parenting is to establish a trusting, respectful and reciprocal relationship. The result of this approach is your teenager becomes more likely to see you as an ally, accept your advice, follow your lead and internalize your values.

The goal of control-oriented parenting is to change your teen by modifying their behaviour. Control-focused parenting relies on ‘power over’ strategies such as negativity, aggression, punishment, criticism, intimidation and rejection. This style of parenting may result in short-term obedience out of fear. But in the long term, this will result in rebellion and power struggles between you and your teen. Your teen may outwardly comply with your requests while hiding their real feelings and behaviours from you.

A connection-focused approach results in a desire to comply because of genuine caring. Parenting that emphasizes connection makes building your relationship the focus of interactions. It offers children choices and helps them learn to be responsible and accountable for their actions while feeling good about themselves. When a child feels connected to a parent, they develop compassion and empathy. This results in feelings of belonging. They learn to intrinsically care about the impact of their behaviours on others. Teens who feel seen, heard and understood are more likely to cooperate because of the love and trust that is established between the parent and the child.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Attachment

In order to understand Connection-Focused Parenting better we need a basic understanding of what attachment is and how it works.

All humans are born with an innate instinct to form attachments with others. Babies are wired to attach to their primary caregivers because their survival depends on this. Infants arrive with a ‘package’ of ‘attachment tools’ such as crying, cooing, mimicking facial expressions and crying.

Attachment is a dynamic, two-way process between the infant and the person who is most responsive to their needs. Infants send out cues to the person they are attached to. The adult then meets the need of the infant signalling to the infant that they can be trusted. This forms a secure attachment from where the infant learns to decern whether or not the world is a safe ‘trustworthy‘ place.

A child’s secure attachment with their primary caregiver gives them a ‘safe base’ from which to explore the world and relationships with others. A secure attachment allows a child to have the inner knowing that they have a predictable, safe pair of hands ready to welcome them when they need to come back for reassurance.

Long-Term Consequences Of Early Attachment

John Bowlby, the founder of Attachment Theory, theorised that the quality of the initial infant/carer attachment can have far-reaching, life-long consequences for the holistic health and well-being of an individual.

According to Dr Becky Kennedy, a child will take what they learned in their early attachment with their primary caregiver and make the following assumptions about themselves, relationships and the world based on their lived experience of these questions,

“Am I lovable and good and desirable to be around? Will I be seen and heard? What can I expect of others when I am upset? What can I expect of others when I am overwhelmed? What can I expect of others when we disagree?…Children are learning how relationships work at the same time that they are locked into a relationship with us.”

Dr Becky Kennedy

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Photo by Alexander Kuzmin on Pexels.comControl-Focused Parenting VS Connection-Focused ParentingControl-Focused Parenting

Through my experiences as a child, as a parent and in my early career as an early childhood teacher I was trained to focus on modifying children’s behaviour. I was taught all kinds of ‘positive child guidance’ strategies such as; smacking, ‘time-out’, ‘the naughty step’, star charts and consequences.

Everything I was taught was how to control a child’s behaviour so that it was acceptable to others. If the child behaved in a way that was agreeable and compliant they were a ‘good child’. You in turn were perceived as a ‘good parent’ or teacher. If your child had a tantrum or misbehaved they were seen as a ‘bad child’. You were judged as being a ‘bad parent‘ or teacher.

Control-focused parenting strategies are based on the assumption that there is something wrong with our children. This presumes that our children are inherently ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ and need ‘correcting’. Control-focused parenting assumes that our kids are manipulative and trying to control us with their behaviour. The presumption is that they are ‘bad’ kids doing ‘bad’ things. That it is our job to ‘fix’ them to make them more acceptable to others.

Cultural Attitudes To Parenting

This sentiment is summed up in this ‘parenting proverb’ from my childhood; “spare the rod, spoil the child”. This bit of ‘parental wisdom’, feeds the fear that if we don’t control or punish our children they will grow up to be ‘bad’ people. This reinforces our ultimate fear as human beings that our children will be rejected from the ‘tribe’ and us by default as parents, because we didn’t raise our children ‘right’.

The overwhelming message that a child receives from this control-focused approach is that they are fundamentally ‘bad’. Parts of them are unlovable, unacceptable and need to be hidden because no one wants to know these parts. This is particularly prevalent for neurodiverse and or LGBTQ+ teens who feel that they must mask their differences to fit in with what is considered ‘normal’.

Consequences Of Control-Focussed Parenting

Control-focused parenting strategies fuel feelings of shame, separation and isolation. This approach can lead to people pleasing and conditions such as anxiety and depression. Parenting that focuses on control can lead to teen behaviours such as self-harm or numbing themselves with sex, alcohol and drugs.

Control-focused parenting can lead to more panic attacks and autistic meltdowns for Autistic teens. Teens who have ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), or Autism with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, are more likely to respond to control-focused parenting strategies with rebellion and defiance.

Connection-Focused Parenting

We all want to feel seen heard and accepted for who we are. We seek out people in our lives whom we can love and who will return that love to us. For teens, in particular, the fear of not belonging can feel like an existential threat.

There is so much going on for our teens. Our teen’s brains and bodies are undergoing major changes. They have the innate drive to separate and ‘individualise’ themselves from their parents. At the same time, teens have huge emotional needs that they don’t know how to express. They are in a stage of being ‘big/little’. This can be the source of a lot of internal struggle and conflict.

Many teens find their own emotions and the unpredictability of what is happening inside of them to be extremely scary. If a teen is exploring their sexuality, questioning their gender or sense they may be ‘different’ in some way this can add to their feelings of fear or anxiety. Many teens fear that they will be seen as ‘too much’ or unlovable by their parents and will be rejected because of this. A strong, secure connection with a significant adult during the teenage years is an important protective factor for teen mental health.

Connection With Ourselves First

Before we hope to influence our children and their behaviour we must first connect with them. However, before we can connect with our children we must first be connected with ourselves.

So-called ‘bad’ behaviours stem from a state of emotional dysregulation. When we are emotionally dysregulated we are disconnected from ourselves. In other words, we lose the ability for our brains to think rationally and for us to restore calm to our bodies. This manifests outwardly as anger, rage, shouting, arguing, shutting down, panic attacks or meltdowns. When we are disconnected from ourselves it is impossible for us to connect with others. In fact, our dysregulation will most likely trigger dysregulation in others.

Strong emotions are extremely ‘catchy’. By learning how to connect to our own emotions and self-regulate as parents we can hold space for our children and act as a co-regulation partner with them.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

‘Good’ Inside

Connection-focused parenting strategies are built on the foundation that we are all ‘good inside’. That is – you and your teen are fundamentally ‘good’. When we create a safe haven in ourselves full of love and compassion we are able to hold our children in the generosity of our assumptions. At its core, connection-focused parenting is based on our connection to our shared humanness.

The key difference between the two parenting approaches is in how they view needs, emotions and behaviour.

Many of us were raised in a culture that vilifies needs, emotions and behaviours. Whereas the control-focused approach is all about controlling the behaviours of children, the connection-focused approach sees behaviour as a ‘window’ to the needs of the child. This fosters curiosity as to why our children are behaving in a particular way and allows us to focus on the needs that are not being met.

Beneath every behavior there is a feeling, and beneath each feeling there is a need. When we meet that need rather than focusing on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.

Ashleigh Warner

Connection-focused parenting views needs, emotions and behaviours as seen as normal parts of being human. Through this lens needs, emotions and behaviours are neither good nor bad. Instead, they are viewed as useful bits of information that we use to navigate the human experience.

We reinforce this by modelling connecting with our needs in ourselves and in them and meeting these needs. This in turn allows our children to internalise this practice so that they become better skilled to meet their own needs and the needs of others.

To find out more about connection-focused parenting join my Connected Parent Newsletter to receive my weekly blog as well as information about my monthly parent education webinars.

The post What Is Connection-Focused Parenting And Why It Is Important For Your Teen appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Shifting The Paradigm Of Neurodiversity

I don’t know about your TikTok feed, but neurodiversity seems to be everywhere on mine at the moment. There seems to be a myriad of ‘tests’ that you can take (including whether or not you can hear two songs playing at once) to self-diagnose yourself with ADHD. Regardless of how you feel about this video trend, it has brought a lot of awareness to neurodiversity, something that affects approximately 1 in 50 people. It also highlights for me that as the diagnosis of neurodiversity in teens and adults increases the need for there to be more conversations that facilitate the shifting of the paradigm on neurodiversity.

Meet The Valentins

Our family is a bit different to most families. From the outside, we look like your typical two-parent, three-kid family. However, what most people don’t know is that although Wayne and I are by all accounts cisgender, straight, neurotypical peeps, our children are neurodivergent. All our children are gay. One of our children is non-binary and another is transgender.

Our Story So Far…

My children identified as LGBTQ+ from a young age. As our children advanced into their teen years they began to struggle with anxiety, eating disorders, panic attacks and depression.

As parents, Wayne and I blamed ourselves for arguing when our kids were younger and attributed this childhood trauma to their struggles with their mental health. Desperate to ‘fix’ things for our kids, we sought the help of counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. However, nothing (including medication) helped. Eventually, we referred to an adolescent psychologist who eventually diagnosed our oldest child, Madi with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Further testing revealed that their sister is neurodiverse too.

As a mother, I very quickly learned that support from outside sources was not going to be enough to keep my children safe. I discovered that I would have to step up and become an advocate for my teens. Educating ourselves and our children with the knowledge, tools and skills that we would need as a family was going to be our lifeline.

In this blog, I share some of what I have learned through my own research and my lived experience as a mum of neurodiverse teens. The reason that I am doing this is that I believe that if we want to create better outcomes for our children, awareness and education are vital.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Lack Of Support For Families Of Neurodiverse Children

Like many parents, we pushed for a diagnosis. Our thinking was that this was going to be ‘the thing’ that would finally provide some relief for our family. That is would get us much-needed support. However, like most families, we were given a diagnosis, a handful of pamphlets to read, videos to watch and a list of autism websites to look at. We were a family in crisis. However, New Zealand’s mental health system (like many in the world) is so overloaded with need. Medical professionals are often not trained to support patients with neurodiversity effectively.

According to verywellmind.com, “Neurodiversity is a term used to describe when someone’s brain processes, learns, and/or behaves differently from what is considered “typical”. Neurodiversity occurs on a spectrum and it is a lifetime condition that affects how the neurodiverse person perceives the world, thinks and behaves, communicates and interacts with others. It affects everyone differently. For some neurodiverse people, this will affect them outwardly. However, for many, their neurodiversity will affect them internally. It is common for people with neurodiversity to be affected by more than one type of neurodiversity as well as by other co-occurring medical conditions such as Crohn’s disease, Fibromyalgia and congenital heart disease.

Each person will have a unique set of needs based on where they sit on the spectrum. This may not be everyone else’s experience, however, we soon discovered that unless your child is on the brink of suicide (and in many cases even then) a wait for months even more than a year to get support for your family is considered normal. If your child is older, they don’t have a physical disability or they are considered ‘high functioning’ there is even less support.

The sad truth is that when it comes to your child and your family, no one is coming. It is going to be up to you as a parent to educate yourself and advocate for them and fight for help.

Gender And Neurodiversity

So little is actually known about neurodiversity and more research is paramount to effectively support neurodiverse people. Even less is known about women or AFAB (assigned female at birth) and neurodiversity.

When I first found out that Madi was autistic as their (Madi is non-binary) mum I felt so guilty. It had taken us 18 years to find out that they were autistic. So much of how we had parented them and their siblings as autistic kids in a neurotypical world caused them unimaginable childhood trauma and PTSD. Something that I still struggle with. And the worst part is that we didn’t even know that we were doing it. Even seemingly ‘good’ things like a family trip to Disney World (as pictured in our family photo above) and all the sensory overload that this creates can cause trauma for an autistic person.

I felt like how I imagined a woman must feel when she unexpectantly finds out that she is pregnant at 8 or 9 months gestation.

Picture this.

The mother in this scenario has just been given the news that will drastically change her life. As it is so late in her pregnancy she has little or no time to prepare herself for the arrival of her child. She is reeling in shock. To further compound things, due to the fact that she didn’t know that she was pregnant, she regularly consumed alcohol, smoked cigarettes and ate all the food she was not supposed to during her pregnancy.

Imagine this mother’s fear and worry that she had unknowingly contributed to irreparable damage to her baby. Imagine her horror and shame when she realises that her behaviour has adversely affected her child’s health and well-being. Her actions may have damaged the whole life of her child for the rest of their life! She may picture others shaking their heads and saying scathingly under their breath, “How did she not know?” “It’s all her fault!” or “What a bad mother!”

I know these are not the same thing. However, when you receive news that ruptures your reality, as a parent in many cases you are welcoming a new version of your child or a ‘newborn’ reality into your life. The thoughts of self-blame and the feelings of fear, uncertainty, overwhelm, worry, anxiety and shame are very similar in both of these scenarios.

The fact is, many of the ways we test for autism is based on what is common for young boys which is different to girls, women and AFAB. Girls, women and AFAB are socialised differently from boys and often mask in order to fit in and are often only diagnosed as neurodiverse later in life because of this.

In her insightful Ted Talk, Behind the Mask: Autism for Women and Girls, Kate Khale, a young woman who was diagnosed late into her teens, further highlights that if your daughter was verbal, intelligent and appeared empathetic, behaviourally normal and compliant as a child, her autism could easily have been missed.

For our family, we only noticed that there was something amiss when our daughters started struggling with their mental health in their teen years. And even then, these signs of neurodiversity are often dismissed as ‘bad parenting’.

If you are a Parent of a Neurodiverse Teen who would like support please know that you are not alone. Book your complimentary 30-minute Parent Allyship Connection Call with me to get started.Research Into Neurodiversity And Employment Statistics

In a speech that she gave in 2019 at TEDxMacquarieUniversity, Dr Jac den Houting, an autistic person herself, a medical professional, researcher and advocate for autistic people, said this:

“We spend hundreds of millions of dollars, globally, every year on autism research. And the vast majority of that research conceptualises autism as a problem. Recently I conducted a study examining how autism research funding has been invested in Australia over the last 10 years. Here is what I found. More than 40% of funding went to genetic and biological research, trying to find our why autisic people are the way they are and if there’s a way to prevent it. Another 20% of funding went into investigating treatments for autism, most of which are trying to find new ways to make autistic people just act a bit less weird. Only 7% of funding went to research investigating services to help autistic people.”

Dr Jac den Houting

Much of society’s and the medical profession’s perspective sees autism and other neurodiversity as a problem. When I started doing my own research on autism to learn how to support my children better, I was bombarded with information about their deficits. This did not line up with my view of them as brilliant, capable and beautifully unique human beings full of strengths talents and possibilities.

This view of neurodiversity through this deficit lens can exasperate feelings hopeless for neurodiverse teens and their families. This has far-reaching effects on the way neurodiverse people see themselves, which erodes their confidence and sense of self-worth. One of the consequences of this is how neurodiverse people are represented in the workforce. According to Dr den Houting, 60% of autistic people are under or unemployed.

In a peer-reviewed article by Nancy Doyle, Almuth McDowall entitled Equality, Diversity and Inclusion one of the key findings was:

The academic literature was found to be lacking in contextualized, practical advice for employers or employees. The location and foci of extracted studies highlighted a growing science-practitioner gap…In this paper, we highlight the inadequate scope and focus of academic attention on neurodiversity and employment to date across the fields of applied psychology and management studies.

Doyle, N; McDowall, A; 2021

Much of this disadvantage for neurodiverse people stems from autistic and other neurodiverse people being expected to fit into a world created by and for neurotypical people. There is no denying that neurodiversity causes challenges for people. However, in itself, neurodiversity does not mean that neurodiverse people cannot find or maintain employment or live a purposeful, fulfilling life.

According to Amanda Kirby, MBBS ,MRCGP, Ph.D., is CEO of Do-IT Solutions, emeritus professor of developmental disorders at the University of South Wales,

Any trait can be an advantage for some people if they have the opportunity to deploy it in a useful way —for example, being extremely creative or gifted with numbers. For some, however, having neurodivergent traits may create challenges, especially when navigating settings where there are social expectations. The differences can lead to, or be associated with, difficulties, including mental llnesses.

Amanda Kirby

In other words, in order for autistic people to be successful in the workforce, the environments and social constructs around employment for neurodiverse people need to change to be more accommodating to them and their needs.

Mental Health Statistics

Part of the complex and terrifying challenges for neurodiverse people and their families is that approximately 87% of autistic and other neurodiverse people are affected by mental illness.

My heart catches in my throat every time I think of the average life expectancy of a person with autism being 36-54 years. (Hirvikoski 2018). The main causes of death in autistic people are heart disease, suicide and epilepsy. In fact, the suicide rate in people with autism is NINE TIMES HIGHER than the average population.

Book your complimentary 30-minute Parent Allyship Connection Call for support for yourself and your family.

Links Between Neurodiversity LGBTQ+

Many people wonder why I have chosen to speak about Neurodiversity and the LGBTQ+ community in the same context. My lived experience, backed up by research, has shown a large intersection between neurodiversity and gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, a-sexual, non-binary and transgender.

Evidence suggests that neurodiverse people, particularly those on the autism spectrum, are more likely to be gender diverse and have a lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, or asexual sexual orientation, compared to neurotypical people. The reasons why are not well understood. One possibility is that neurodiverse people tend to be less aware of, or less susceptible to, societal pressures and gender norms; therefore, they can express their gender identity or sexual orientation without concerns of being judged or fitting into certain roles.

National LGBT Health Education Centre – The Fenway Institute.

Many experts call this the ‘double minority effect’ as people who are neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ are more likely to be bullied, discriminated against and shunned for not being ‘normal’. Unfortunately, this increases the risk of anxiety, depression and death by suicide significantly for people who are in this ‘double minority’ group.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

‘Othering’ And The Devastating Effects Of Masking

When I was a child, I watched the movie Rainman with my family. I remember feeling really uncomfortable with what I saw on the screen, it reminded me of my Uncle Edgar who was neurodiverse and had lived for most of his life in a home for disabled people. I like most other people of my generation grew up in a society where we ‘othered’ people and locked away those who don’t conform to what we consider ‘normal’. In my experience, ‘normal’ generally translates to a white, straight, neurotypical, patriarchal view of things.

Looking back, I realise how these early experiences shaped me and how I viewed neurodiverse people. It also contributed largely to the feelings of fear and uncertainty I felt when my own children were diagnosed with autism. My own experience with my own children, helped me to see just how damaging the ‘Rainman’ stereotype can be for autistic people. I was able to examine my own bias and create a paradigm shift about neurodiversity in my own mind.

This ‘othering’ does not only apply to neurodiverse people. People have been and are still ‘othered’ for their race, religion, culture, gender, sexual orientation and for being transgender. As a society, our answer historically has been to disadvantage ‘othered’ people by looking down at them, segregating them or putting them in homes. A ‘solution’ that many families have been and are still given, is to be educated in programmes to make their children appear more ‘normal’ so that they will ‘fit in’ better.

Research has shown that one of the devastating consequences of ‘masking’ to ‘fit in’ is a decline in mental health for the person doing the masking.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Studies are now beginning to find how detrimental to our mental health masking can be (Bradley et al., 2021; Hull et al., 2019). Autistic people who mask more show more signs of anxiety and depression, and the strategy may even been linked to an increase in suicidal behaviours.

Cassidy et al. 2018

I am by all accounts a neurotypical person and I can never assume to put myself in the shoes of a neurodiverse person. However, I do have personal experience with how damaging masking can be. You see as a child I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was 10 years old. Due to my own shame about the incident and the responsibility, I felt to protect not only my own family but his family from this truth, I kept it secret for 12 years. As our families were close, this meant that on weekends when I saw my uncle, my aunt and my cousins I would relive the terror and shame of the incident but I would pretend that everything was okay. For years I kept this secret while I starved myself, and developed anxiety and depression. I eventually married at 20 so that I could escape this and feel like myself again.

Now, this is not the same as what a neurodivergent person has to go through, I know that these two things are different. However, I do know firsthand what it feels like to not have your reality, your ‘realness’ validated. I also know the emotional and mental toll the constant ‘secret-keeping’ and ‘masking’ can have on a person and their developing psyche.

According to autism researcher Dr Hannah Belcher who herself is an autistic person;

There are several reasons why this could be. Firstly, masking uses up vital resources that we can’t use in other areas of our lives. To put it simply, it is exhausting. I still find myself regularly battling autistic ‘burnt out’ and periods of mental health crisis from the strain of trying to adapt myself to live in a world that just isn’t adjusted for my way of thinking. Also, it stops us developing our true identities. The pressure to fit in means we rarely have time or energy to do the things we want to do, or to behave like our true selves.

Dr Hannah Belcher

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Neurodiversity Paradigm And The Social Model Of Disability

The Neurodiversity Paradigm is a new way of looking at neurodiversity. Instead of thinking of neurotypical brains as the ‘right’ type of brain and neurodiverse brains as the ‘wrong’ type of brain. The Neurodiversity Paradigm sees neurodiversity as a form of human diversity that is subject to the same social dynamics as other forms of diversity.

Much like biodiversity contributes to a better physical environment and cultural diversity contributes to a more inclusive and equitable cultural environment, neurodiversity can contribute to new perspectives, approaches, creativity and innovation.

The idea that there is one “normal” or “healthy” type of brain or mind or one “right” style of neurocognitive functioning, is no more valid than the idea that there is one “normal” or “right” gender, race or culture.

Autistic UK

Increasing numbers of children, teens and adults are being diagnosed as neurodivergent. As long as we see neurodiversity as a disability by medical definitions of disability, i.e. neurodiverse people as having something wrong with them, then we will continue to have poor outcomes for neurodiverse people. What is required is a shift in our thinking to the social model of disability. The social model of disability recognises that the reason that neurodiverse people are disabled is that they are disabled by the environment that they live in.

In other words, we do not need to change neurodiverse people. Neurodiverse people are not the ‘problem’. The environment that neurodiverse people live in needs to change to be more inclusive of neurodiverse people and their needs.

CLICK HERE If you would like more ideas on how to connect with your Neurodiverse and LGBTQ+ Teen

Practical Implications For A Paradigm Shift

Perhaps one of the reasons that a paradigm shift is so problematic for so many people is that it involves change and that change is scary and unsettling for a lot of people. The change that is required has far-reaching implications in so many across many areas of our society.

In New Zealand, one small example of this is that most teachers are not trained on how to teach a neurodiverse child. Speaking as an early childhood teacher myself, I was taught nothing about neurodiversity in my training. Neurodiversity is currently an elective paper that primary and secondary school teachers can choose to take if they want to specialise in ‘special needs’ teaching.

It would stand to reason that if our teachers were better prepared to teach children with neurodiversity this could have significantly better outcomes for neurodiverse children and how they experience the education system. Keeping in mind that what children learn in their formative years creates their identity as a learner and sense of self-worth for the rest of their lives.

Here are some of the other things that could help:Testing for autism and other forms of neurodiversity needs to be reviewed to be more inclusive of girls and AFAB and needs to be made more accessible to families. (We are currently on a waiting list to have our youngest child assessed and we have been waiting for over a year).Further research into neurodiversity and into things that actually help neurodiverse people.Investment needs to be made into education programmes that give parents the necessary skills to support their neurodiverse children’s mental health and protects their children’s sovereignty (a person’s right to be seen and accepted as their authentic self and to live their life on their own terms) Widespread education needs to happen within the wider community to educate people so that much of the mystery and stigma around neurodiversity can be lifted.

I know that I have painted a sobering picture that looks really grim for neurodiverse people. However, I have only done this to highlight the complexity and urgency of the issues that face so many of our children. I for one want much better odds for my children than some of the chilling statistics outlined in this article. My teens and other neurodiverse people deserve to not just survive but thrive in the world that they live in.

As I said earlier in this article no one is coming to save us or our children, but that doesn’t mean that we are powerless. Each of us has the ability to speak up and advocate for our families and children.

I know that using your voice may be scary and that you want to protect your children. When I first started on this journey with my family I didn’t speak up because I wanted to protect my children too.

However, what I have realised is that in order for my teens to thrive in this world as who they are, they do not need protection so much as they need a way to use their voice and claim their right to take up their legitimate space in this world. The way that I can do this as their mum is by going first!

If you are a parent of a Neurodiverse Teen who would like support please know that you are not alone. Book your complimentary 30-minute Parent Allyship Connection Call with me to get started.References:

Why Everything You Know About Autism is Wrong, Jac den Houting, TEDxMacquarieUniversity – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1AUdaH-EPM&t=141s

Neurodiversity – https://www.autisticuk.org/neurodiversity

What is Neurodivergence? – https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-neurodivergence-and-what-does-it-mean-to-be-neurodivergent-5196627

Autistic People and Masking, Dr Hannah Belcher – https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-masking#:~:text=Effects%20of%20masking&text=Studies%20are%20now%20beginning%20to,2018).

Is There a Link Between Neurodiversity and Mental Health? Amanda Kirby, Ph.D. – https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/pathways-progress/202108/is-there-link-between-neurodiversity-and-mental-health

A Community Elder at 40: Autistic Mortality, Wendy Katz Erwin -https://neuroclastic.com/a-community-....

Neurodiversity & Gender Diverse Youth – https://www.lgbtqiahealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Neurodiversity-and-Gender-Diverse-Youth_An-Affirming-Approach-to-Care_2020.pdf

Behind the Mask: Autism for Women and Girls, Kate Khale – https://www.ted.com/talks/kate_khale_behind_the_mask_autism_for_women_and_girls?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

The Link Between Neurodiversity and the LGBTQIA+ Community, Jess Corrine, https://learnfully.com/the-link-between-neurodiversity-and-the-lgbtqia-community/

The post Shifting The Paradigm Of Neurodiversity appeared first on Tanya Valentin.

Even ‘Good Parents’ Grieve Their Parenting Journey Sometimes

All parents experience parental grief as part of their parenting journey.

There are two types of parental grief. There is the irreconcilable grief that comes from the death of a child that no parent ever truly recovers from. (If this is you I hold nothing but love and respect in my heart for your loss).

And then there is the more nuanced grief that comes from the loss of our identities, ideas and expectations of what parenthood would be like.

There is nothing in the world like it – this heartbreakingly beautiful experience of life and death – becoming and surrender that we as parents go through every day.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.comMy Experience With Parental Grief

The past few years for me have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me as a mum.

We moved cities a couple of years before Covid with two teenagers and a tween. This was a transition that was unsettling for our kids. After moving it became apparent that our two older children were increasingly struggling with their mental health due to a variety of factors. This struggle was amplified by the pandemic.

What ensued were years of crippling anxiety, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders and suicide ideation in my teens. I was overcome with feelings of helplessness and overwhelm as I struggled desperately to support them. After innumerable counselling and therapy sessions for my teens in a bid to help them, we discovered that our two older children were both Autistic. This diagnosis (although a relief) was the tip of a traumatic iceberg for everyone in our family.

In the ensuing few years, I was in shock trying grappling to make sense of things. I was totally out of my depth while trying my best to support my children in our world which seemed turned on its head (all while questioning my own neurodiversity).

I felt my world, my reality shrink around me as I travelled within – navigating complex, messy, intense feelings of what I can only describe as grief.

This was coupled with the shame of my grief because along the way somewhere, somehow I learned to believe that a ‘good parent’ meant that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.comWhat Is Parental Grief?

On a basic level, grief is the natural healing process that we go through when we have suffered a real or perceived loss. Our grief allows us to process complex emotions that allow us to shift from feelings of profound loss to a stage of acceptance and meaning-making.

We go through grief when we go through transitions that are too hard for our brains, bodies and souls to comprehend. It is important to note that we only grieve in the places where we have love. In other words, if it’s not important to you, you won’t grieve the loss of it.

I believe that we need to move past the idea that grief is reserved for the loss we feel when someone dies. Parenting is one of the hardest things that we will ever do as human beings, filled with many life-altering transitions.

For most parents, family is a core value. This means that family is not only the most precious thing to us but also the thing that we judge ourselves the harshest on.

Not only do we set a high bar for ourselves with how we parent our kids but we often feel really judged by others. The pressure that we place on ourselves can feel overwhelming.

The parenting journey is both amazing and terrifying, beautiful and messy. It is a journey that we cannot explain to anyone else. Non-parents will never be able to comprehend it and our experiences vary so vastly from parent to parent that it makes comparison impossible.

The love that we feel as a parent for our kids has this way of cracking us wide open and exposing our most tender vulnerable parts out into the world. As parents our love, joy and pride sit so closely alongside our grief, sadness and shame that at any given moment it may be hard to distinguish between our experience of these emotions.

Tanya Valentin

Some of the things that parents grieve may surprise you. Here are some of the other expected and unexpected things that may cause parental grief of varying intensity:Becoming a parent.Having a birth experience that did not go to ‘plan’.Having a baby born prematurely. Getting rid of our child’s baby clothes.Deciding that the baby you are pregnant with will be your last.Your child’s birthday.Watching your baby grow into a toddler.Your baby moving into a ‘big kid bed’.Watching your toddler grow into a preschooler.Your child’s first day at school.Your child’s first day at high school.Packing away our child’s ‘lovie’.Your child’s first sleepover.Your child’s diagnosis with a disability or health condition.Your daughter’s first period.Your child’s diagnosis of Autism or ADHD.Your child falling in love.Your child going off to university.Your child coming out to you as gay, lesbian, bisexual or asexual.Your child coming out to you as non-binary or transgender.Your child moving out.Your child making life choices that you don’t agree with.Your child getting married.Your child becoming a parent.

There are so many, many more instances or reasons why parents grieve – it can be complicated, things that we grieve as parents.

And here’s the thing.

Your children and other people who are not parents are never going to get it. And even though it may feel silly or other people don’t understand, it doesn’t mean that it is not real for you or that you are not allowed to feel this way.

If you are experiencing grief about aspects of your parenting journey find out how working with a parenting coach can help

Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels.comThe ‘Good Mother’ Code And Parental Grief

One thing that is often glossed over when discussing parental grief is the belief of how we ‘should’ be feeling. I can’t speak for fathers (because I’m not one) however my experience has been that as mothers we are taught that we should be ‘selfless’ for our children. That we ‘should’ love every moment of motherhood.

There is this toxic positivity in our culture that encourages us to minimise our experiences and bypass our emotions because we should be grateful.

We learn to internalise the message that it goes against the ‘good mother code’ to have anything but blissful thoughts and emotions towards mothering.

The brief that we all seemed to have received when our babies were born is:

“If you don’t love every moment of parenthood then you are doing it wrong.”

And often “If you grieve as a parent it means that you don’t love and accept your child for who they are.”

I’m sorry but I call bullshit on this. I believe that these two things do not correlate at all.

You can struggle, find things hard and grieve parts of your parenting experience and love, accept and even be happy for your kids.

Before you were a mother you were a person. A person who has the same rights to her needs, desires and feelings as any other human being. Your feelings are your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

“My most important parenting job is to teach my children how to deal with being human. There is really only one way to deal gracefully with being human, and that is: forgive yourself.”

Glenon Doyle

If you are experiencing grief about aspects of your parenting journey find out how working with a parenting coach can help

The Bittersweet Symphony Of Parental Grief

All of these moments are part of what I like to call the bittersweet symphony of parental grief.

The dance – an aching backward and forwards as we chasse between joy for our child and our own heart-wrenching grief – a cacophony of emotions all at the same time.

In these instances, even though it feels trivial or self-indulgent, we are grieving a very real loss.

However, the loss that we are grieving isn’t the loss of a person. The loss we are grieving is the death of an identity, idea or belief. A version of our life, ourselves or a loved one that feels real to us is dying. It may not make logical sense, but in many cases, it is the death of the life that should have been. The ‘idea family’, child or parenting experience we thought we should have had.

A version of ourselves that needs to die so that we can make space in our hearts for the acceptance of the family or child we do have.

If grief were a maths equation I imagine that it would look something like this:

Expectation + Powerlessness = Grief

We had an expectation (a should) that felt so real to us, but that we were powerless to attain which we are now experiencing as grief.

To put this into perspective, I refer back to my own story at the beginning of this blog, my underlying desire (or expectation of myself) was to provide my children with childhood without suffering. This was something I was powerless to do and therefore I grieved the loss of this belief.

The reason that we find the grief process so overwhelming is that on an existential level, we are mourning the loss of certainty. It is the decimation of the illusion of control that we as human beings like to pretend that we have. This can be totally terrifying!

I know I am not alone when I say that the parenting toolbox I inherited from my parents feels inadequate to deal with some of the challenges we face when parenting teens in our unprecedented, current times.

Six Stages Of Parental Grief

There are 6 stages of grief that everyone who is grieving goes through.  These are descriptive, not prescriptive.  In other words, there is no one way of experiencing these stages.

Grief is messy and it often doesn’t make sense. Although most people start at the stage of denial and ultimately end up in acceptance or meaning-making, our journey through the stages of grief may not happen in any particular order or for any set amount of time.  We can also go backwards, and forwards and flit between stages.

The 6 stages of grief are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and meaning-making. (Based on the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.)

Grief can look different for different people and the description below simplifies an extremely complex process. However, parental grief can look like this:

Denial

When we are in this stage of denial the underpinning story that we tell ourselves is that whatever is happening isn’t real. During the stage of denial, we cling to our dying belief not wanting to let it go. Internally we are driven by our deep feelings of fear and anxiety of uncertainty. We defend ourselves by denying a reality that is often too painful or overwhelming to comprehend.  Shame is at play during the stage of denial as one of our deepest fears as parents is that our child’s suffering was caused by our ‘not enoughness’.

Outwardly, we may ignore warning signs, and deflect or dismiss what is really going on for our children or in our family dynamics. As parents, we may delay getting help for ourselves or our children. We may tell ourselves things like –“I’m fine”, “My teen is fine”, or “My family is fine, we don’t need help, I can manage this on my own.”

We may even think, “This is just a phase, they’ll outgrow it”, or “If I ignore it, it will just go away.”

Or we may distract ourselves by trying to ‘fix’ the behaviours of others, numb ourselves or lose ourselves in our busyness of managing day-to-day life.

Bargaining

The bargaining stage is punctuated with regret. We ask ourselves “Why?”. “Why me?” Why my child?” or “Why my family.”

We may also get the “If only’s” as we move into blaming ourselves or others for what happened.

A common thing that we may say to ourselves at this stage of grief is, “If only I had known…” or “If only I had done…”. We may try to bargain with God or whatever higher power we believe in.

In the bargaining stage of grief, as parents, we may even ‘bargain’ for a fix.

Anger

Anger can look like being angry with ourselves, our children, a co-parent, our parents, our kid’s school, our community, the medical system etc.

A lot of women were taught that anger is a ‘bad’ emotion. This can cause women to internalise their anger or go into denial about their anger. (I told you it was messy!)

Depression

Depression sets in when we realise that whatever has happened is real. There is nothing that we can do about it.

It just is. 

This is the stage of futility. In this stage, we may feel helplessness, alienation, sadness and often utter despair. We may want to give up or shut ourselves away from the world. Everything feels like it is just too much to cope with.

Acceptance

The stage of acceptance is one that many parents resist. Many of the messages we receive around acceptance are that when we accept something we are saying that it is okay.

The truth is that there are several layers of acceptance, the first being, simply admitting to ourselves the truth of what is.

Grief is the most peculiar thing; we are so helpless in the face of it. It is like a window that opens on its own accord. The room gets dark, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what became of it.

Arthur Golden – Memiors of a Geisha

Making Meaning

A stage of grief that was later added to the 5 stages of grief by David Kessler in his book: Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

As we move deeper into acceptance we learn to believe in the validity of the reality that we are now living in. We may even allow ourselves to feel more hopeful as we start to think of what life will look like in this new version of actuality. We find meaning in our suffering and are able to use our experience as an opportunity for personal growth and in the service of others.

To move through our grief, we need to experience all of these stages – all of them.

The Awakening Process Of Grief

A helpful way for me to see the grief process is through the lens of awakening. Life is a constant process of birth, death and rebirth. In order for us to be open to the acceptance of new insights, wisdom and versions of ourselves as people we need to let go of old beliefs, understandings and versions of who we used to be.

The ‘ruptures’ that cause grief ‘awaken’ us so that we can become aware of deeper levels of ourselves and transform who we are through the process. In doing this, we can make space for a sense of deeper meaning and purpose of who we are and what we are here on this earth to achieve.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

Haruki Murakami

As counterintuitive as it seems at times, it is important to recognise this grief process as valid and important and allow ourselves to feel it so that we can grow and heal through it.

According to research by Brene Brown, for her book Atlas of the Heart, the near enemy of connection is control. And this really resonated with me and my thoughts on the grieving process we go through as parents. On reflection, it has led me to this curious thinking.

What if one of the purposes of the grieving process is for us to relinquish our illusions of control so that we can become more deeply connected to ourselves and our children?

Tanya Valentin

Support And Resources

If you are grieving parts of your parenting journey and you need some support, working with a parenting coach can help. I help you by providing a safe and judgment-free space for you to talk about what is on your heart and process your grief and your emotions.

Book A Complimentary 30-Minute Call With Me To Get StartedMeet The Person Who Wrote This Blog

Tanya Valentin is a Trauma-Informed and Neuro-Affirming Parenting Coach, Author, Podcaster and Allyship Advocate for Families of Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ Children and Teens.

Tanya is a Neurodivergent person and a proud Mama of 3 Neurodivergent and LGBTQ+ teenagers. She works to support, educate and foster inclusion and acceptance for all neurodivergent, gender diverse and LGBTQIA children, teenagers and adults.

Tanya lives with her family in beautiful Northland, New Zealand. She has authored several books and blogs. Tanya is committed to making a difference in the world by working in partnership with parents to support them to connect with and understand themselves and their children.

Need personalised support for yourself and your family? Book your FREE 30-minute call with Tanya

The post Even ‘Good Parents’ Grieve Their Parenting Journey Sometimes appeared first on Tanya Valentin.