Mimi Tallo's Blog
September 7, 2023
The Third Factor Nature vs. Nurture
The debate over the relative contributions of inheritance and the environment usually referred to as the nature versus nurture debate is one of the oldest issues in both philosophy and psychology.
Philosophers such as Plato and Descartes supported the idea that some ideas are inborn. On the other hand, thinkers such as John Locke argued for the concept of tabula rasa—a belief that the mind is a blank slate at birth, with experience determining our knowledge.
Today, most psychologists believe that it is an interaction between these two forces that causes development.
And then there is the Third Factor, a theory by Kazimierz Dabrowski.
He also refers to it as “self-determination by a number of autonomous dynamisms”. The third factor often referred to as an individual’s ‘inner drive’ or autonomous thinking distinct from first and second factors.
“Third factor is a dynamism of valuation, i.e., of developing consciously an autonomous hierarchy of values. One could say that the third factor decides upon what subject-object in oneself has uncovered, while inner psychic transformation is the process by which the decision is put to work. Third factor is the par excellence dynamism of self-directed development. “
—Kazimierz Dabrowski
My Podcast Be Heard Women Empowering Women
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Philosophers such as Plato and Descartes supported the idea that some ideas are inborn. On the other hand, thinkers such as John Locke argued for the concept of tabula rasa—a belief that the mind is a blank slate at birth, with experience determining our knowledge.
Today, most psychologists believe that it is an interaction between these two forces that causes development.
And then there is the Third Factor, a theory by Kazimierz Dabrowski.
He also refers to it as “self-determination by a number of autonomous dynamisms”. The third factor often referred to as an individual’s ‘inner drive’ or autonomous thinking distinct from first and second factors.
“Third factor is a dynamism of valuation, i.e., of developing consciously an autonomous hierarchy of values. One could say that the third factor decides upon what subject-object in oneself has uncovered, while inner psychic transformation is the process by which the decision is put to work. Third factor is the par excellence dynamism of self-directed development. “
—Kazimierz Dabrowski
My Podcast Be Heard Women Empowering Women
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
February 26, 2023
Emotionally Hijacked
The sexual revolution of the 1960's was actually the second rebellion. The term phrase "sexual revolution" itself has been used since at least the late 1920s. The term appeared as early as 1929. The book Is Sex Necessary? Or, Why You Feel the Way You Do by James Thurber and E. B. White, has a chapter titled "The Sexual Revolution: Being a Rather Complete Survey of the Entire Sexual Scene".
In the first sexual revolution (1870–1910), Victorian morality lost its universal appeal. However, it did not lead to the rise of a "permissive society".
The sixties however were radical. At least for me. Graduating high school in 1966 and a virgin till after the prom, it seemed very daring. I had been a “good Catholic girl” all my life. Now I watched on TV as women burned their bras. I was not only still wearing a bra but also a girdle and garter belt for my stockings.
Though the convenience of not having to wear a girdle or garter belt was a plus, what helped pantyhose take hold was the rise of the miniskirt in the mid-1960s. Young women also started wearing jeans without underwear. Can you imagine no bra and no panties? How scandalous. Of course, our mothers were not pleased with this liberation from undergarments. They thought we were “going to hell in a handbasket”. That phrase meant that a situation is rapidly deteriorating or that you are set firmly on a course for disaster.
The origin of the phrase ‘hell in a handbasket’ can be found in the practice of capturing the heads of guillotine victims in a basket, with the presumption being that these criminals would be going straight to hell for their crimes. Older people thought our choice of clothing was shameless.
I loved mini dresses and go-go boots and Disco. What an exciting time to be young, single and alive. After one short disastrous marriage that’s what I was.
I was also on my own for the first time in my life. That state of affairs was terrifying. I could not cope with being alone, especially at night. My solution was to drink and dance in the disco bars till the wee hours of the morning. I was soon working as a cocktail waitress and ultimately a bartender. Those professions helped support my lifestyle.
I dated mostly musicians I met in these venues. The thing with musicians is that their ego gets inflated and they feel like they can do anything they want. Mix in booze and maybe even drugs so that hinders decision making ability. Then you mix in beautiful women. So, you mix everything together and you have a huge ego with the possibility of substances and women all thrown at you and being away from your girl. In my case working at another bar.
I didn’t realize I had abandonment issues from my childhood. Chronic Insecurities that wreck your self-esteem. In my mind the abandonment reflected my worth as a person. “There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
My lack of emotional nourishment as a child set the stage set the stage for the same dynamic to be recreated in adulthood. I positioned myself in romantic relationships to be discarded or abused because I had accepted this core belief: “I will always be abandoned.”
The trauma of abandonment left an emotional blueprint on my brain. My wounds triggered extreme emotional sensitivity to rejection. Often triggered by bad relationship choices I would be emotionally hijacked. A term coined by David Goleman, when the rational brain is taken over by the emotional brain called the amygdala. In this state, the person feels seized and overpowered by their emotions.
My emotion roller coaster would continue well into the Eighties.
Patrick Kavanagh said “It often occurs to me that we love most what makes us miserable. In my opinion the damned are damned because they enjoy being damned.”
In the first sexual revolution (1870–1910), Victorian morality lost its universal appeal. However, it did not lead to the rise of a "permissive society".
The sixties however were radical. At least for me. Graduating high school in 1966 and a virgin till after the prom, it seemed very daring. I had been a “good Catholic girl” all my life. Now I watched on TV as women burned their bras. I was not only still wearing a bra but also a girdle and garter belt for my stockings.
Though the convenience of not having to wear a girdle or garter belt was a plus, what helped pantyhose take hold was the rise of the miniskirt in the mid-1960s. Young women also started wearing jeans without underwear. Can you imagine no bra and no panties? How scandalous. Of course, our mothers were not pleased with this liberation from undergarments. They thought we were “going to hell in a handbasket”. That phrase meant that a situation is rapidly deteriorating or that you are set firmly on a course for disaster.
The origin of the phrase ‘hell in a handbasket’ can be found in the practice of capturing the heads of guillotine victims in a basket, with the presumption being that these criminals would be going straight to hell for their crimes. Older people thought our choice of clothing was shameless.
I loved mini dresses and go-go boots and Disco. What an exciting time to be young, single and alive. After one short disastrous marriage that’s what I was.
I was also on my own for the first time in my life. That state of affairs was terrifying. I could not cope with being alone, especially at night. My solution was to drink and dance in the disco bars till the wee hours of the morning. I was soon working as a cocktail waitress and ultimately a bartender. Those professions helped support my lifestyle.
I dated mostly musicians I met in these venues. The thing with musicians is that their ego gets inflated and they feel like they can do anything they want. Mix in booze and maybe even drugs so that hinders decision making ability. Then you mix in beautiful women. So, you mix everything together and you have a huge ego with the possibility of substances and women all thrown at you and being away from your girl. In my case working at another bar.
I didn’t realize I had abandonment issues from my childhood. Chronic Insecurities that wreck your self-esteem. In my mind the abandonment reflected my worth as a person. “There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
My lack of emotional nourishment as a child set the stage set the stage for the same dynamic to be recreated in adulthood. I positioned myself in romantic relationships to be discarded or abused because I had accepted this core belief: “I will always be abandoned.”
The trauma of abandonment left an emotional blueprint on my brain. My wounds triggered extreme emotional sensitivity to rejection. Often triggered by bad relationship choices I would be emotionally hijacked. A term coined by David Goleman, when the rational brain is taken over by the emotional brain called the amygdala. In this state, the person feels seized and overpowered by their emotions.
My emotion roller coaster would continue well into the Eighties.
Patrick Kavanagh said “It often occurs to me that we love most what makes us miserable. In my opinion the damned are damned because they enjoy being damned.”
February 2, 2023
Surviving a hostile womb
Many pediatric experts believe that the emotional development of a child begins well before the baby is born. As a fetus grows, it's constantly getting messages from its mother. It's not just hearing her heartbeat. It also gets chemical signals through the placenta. A new study, which will be published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that this includes signals about the mother's mental state. If the mother is depressed, that affects how the baby develops after it's born. "We believe that the human fetus is an active participant in its own development and is collecting information for life after birth. "It's preparing for life based on messages the mom is providing."
Chronic stress may also contribute to subtle differences in brain development that might lead to behavioral issues as the baby grows. Research in this area is still early, and doctors still need to figure out the exact link between stress and pregnancy outcomes
My mother tried to abort me. How do I know this? She wrote it in a journal that she knew I would read after her death. She wrote, "When I realized I was pregnant, I jumped up and down the hallway steps multiple times and took mustard baths every day to end it. But it didn’t work”.
I can only assume she was resentful her entire pregnancy. 13 months later, my brother was born. When he was older, she would beat him and tell him, "My life would be so much better if you were never born".
The state of safety or anxiety that children experience is determined by the response of the adult with whom a child establishes an emotional bond. This emotional bond evolves as the child advances in his or her development Neither my brother nor I could establish a bond with our mother.
My mother was cold, introverted and detached. I have no memories of her ever hugging or kissing any of us. As a result of not having a maternal mirror, I grew up feeling unseen and misunderstood. I suffered from low self-esteem and a high degree of self-doubt.
A daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force that doesn't diminish with unavailability. Wounds may include lack of confidence and trust, difficulty setting boundaries, and being overly sensitive. Daughters of unloving mothers may unwittingly replicate the maternal bond in other relationships.
According to attachment theory, early attachments form our internal templates or mental representations of how relationships work in the world. Without therapy or intervention, these mental representations tend to repeat in every scenario.
The key point is that a daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force, and that need doesn't diminish with unavailability—it coexists with the terrible and damaging understanding that the one person who is supposed to love you without condition doesn’t. The struggle to heal and cope is a mighty one. It affects many, if not all, parts of the self—especially in the area of relationships.
Emotional neglect is not unusual to a child abuse survivor and they often don’t realize the cruelty is not normal. They grow in unsafe homes, where being used and abused is all they know. It’s far easier to be in further abusive unsafe relationships later on in life, when you don’t realize the behaviors are not normal, are not justified and not acceptable.
I was not taught to respect myself. I did not learn I should be treated with care, love, safety. It’s easier to tolerate abuse, when you don’t know you don’t deserve it.
I married abusive men. The normalcy of the abuse, the avoidance of facing reality, the fear of being alone, rejected, can kept me locked in toxic abusive relationships. Childhood abuse survivors are less likely to leave an abusive relationship with a harmful person in adulthood.
I wrongly believed if I just loved the damaged person enough, the individual would change. I had a false belief that I could change the abusive behavior and shouldn’t give up on them. Toxic individuals rarely ever change.
My first husband was an alcoholic and a sex addict. the second was a gambler and a pathological liar. They were both prime examples of “Toxic Masculinity”. For years I experienced suicidal ideations and self-harm until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. At that turning point, I chose a path of recovery and spiritual guidance from honest worthy people. After many years of self-medicating and accepting the unacceptable, I finally got help.
I learned about triggers. Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain or sensation cannot be explained by any other health issues and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again. I developed knots in most of my muscles which was diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. Later in life, a neurologist diagnosed me with Small Nerve Fiber Neuropathy and Sjogren's Disease. I believe nerve damage may have started when I was living in my mother's hostile, angry womb.
One of the first places I visited when I moved to Florida was the Loggerhead Marine Life Center in Juno Beach. LMC is committed to the rehabilitation of sick and injured sea turtles. In the souvenir shop I was drawn to a hand carved wooden turtle. I immediately had a feeling that this was my spirit animal. The turtle’s hard shell is an analogy for endurance, perseverance and also the idea that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The spiritual meaning of a turtle is finding the way to move forward and live through heavy times. As the turtle is a slow pacer, so was my spiritual enlightenment.
I spent a great deal of time trying to find the meaning of life. It took decades to realize that my purpose in life could not be found in my mind. Purpose was a living body that existed in me that I was not even aware of. The Shaman Ruda’ lande’ said the greatest experiences come from our actions not our feelings. The same can be said about finding your reason for living. You don’t need to know your purpose to have one. Our actions towards others defines both meaning and purpose. When I allowed myself to be instead of trying so hard to do all the time, I was finally able to hear my true inner voice. I started noticing all the synchronicities in my life. Every path I took, even the detours, had been defining my unique intention in life. My purpose showed up through my actions whenever I tried to help others.
May you find your true path.
Chronic stress may also contribute to subtle differences in brain development that might lead to behavioral issues as the baby grows. Research in this area is still early, and doctors still need to figure out the exact link between stress and pregnancy outcomes
My mother tried to abort me. How do I know this? She wrote it in a journal that she knew I would read after her death. She wrote, "When I realized I was pregnant, I jumped up and down the hallway steps multiple times and took mustard baths every day to end it. But it didn’t work”.
I can only assume she was resentful her entire pregnancy. 13 months later, my brother was born. When he was older, she would beat him and tell him, "My life would be so much better if you were never born".
The state of safety or anxiety that children experience is determined by the response of the adult with whom a child establishes an emotional bond. This emotional bond evolves as the child advances in his or her development Neither my brother nor I could establish a bond with our mother.
My mother was cold, introverted and detached. I have no memories of her ever hugging or kissing any of us. As a result of not having a maternal mirror, I grew up feeling unseen and misunderstood. I suffered from low self-esteem and a high degree of self-doubt.
A daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force that doesn't diminish with unavailability. Wounds may include lack of confidence and trust, difficulty setting boundaries, and being overly sensitive. Daughters of unloving mothers may unwittingly replicate the maternal bond in other relationships.
According to attachment theory, early attachments form our internal templates or mental representations of how relationships work in the world. Without therapy or intervention, these mental representations tend to repeat in every scenario.
The key point is that a daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force, and that need doesn't diminish with unavailability—it coexists with the terrible and damaging understanding that the one person who is supposed to love you without condition doesn’t. The struggle to heal and cope is a mighty one. It affects many, if not all, parts of the self—especially in the area of relationships.
Emotional neglect is not unusual to a child abuse survivor and they often don’t realize the cruelty is not normal. They grow in unsafe homes, where being used and abused is all they know. It’s far easier to be in further abusive unsafe relationships later on in life, when you don’t realize the behaviors are not normal, are not justified and not acceptable.
I was not taught to respect myself. I did not learn I should be treated with care, love, safety. It’s easier to tolerate abuse, when you don’t know you don’t deserve it.
I married abusive men. The normalcy of the abuse, the avoidance of facing reality, the fear of being alone, rejected, can kept me locked in toxic abusive relationships. Childhood abuse survivors are less likely to leave an abusive relationship with a harmful person in adulthood.
I wrongly believed if I just loved the damaged person enough, the individual would change. I had a false belief that I could change the abusive behavior and shouldn’t give up on them. Toxic individuals rarely ever change.
My first husband was an alcoholic and a sex addict. the second was a gambler and a pathological liar. They were both prime examples of “Toxic Masculinity”. For years I experienced suicidal ideations and self-harm until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. At that turning point, I chose a path of recovery and spiritual guidance from honest worthy people. After many years of self-medicating and accepting the unacceptable, I finally got help.
I learned about triggers. Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain or sensation cannot be explained by any other health issues and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again. I developed knots in most of my muscles which was diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. Later in life, a neurologist diagnosed me with Small Nerve Fiber Neuropathy and Sjogren's Disease. I believe nerve damage may have started when I was living in my mother's hostile, angry womb.
One of the first places I visited when I moved to Florida was the Loggerhead Marine Life Center in Juno Beach. LMC is committed to the rehabilitation of sick and injured sea turtles. In the souvenir shop I was drawn to a hand carved wooden turtle. I immediately had a feeling that this was my spirit animal. The turtle’s hard shell is an analogy for endurance, perseverance and also the idea that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The spiritual meaning of a turtle is finding the way to move forward and live through heavy times. As the turtle is a slow pacer, so was my spiritual enlightenment.
I spent a great deal of time trying to find the meaning of life. It took decades to realize that my purpose in life could not be found in my mind. Purpose was a living body that existed in me that I was not even aware of. The Shaman Ruda’ lande’ said the greatest experiences come from our actions not our feelings. The same can be said about finding your reason for living. You don’t need to know your purpose to have one. Our actions towards others defines both meaning and purpose. When I allowed myself to be instead of trying so hard to do all the time, I was finally able to hear my true inner voice. I started noticing all the synchronicities in my life. Every path I took, even the detours, had been defining my unique intention in life. My purpose showed up through my actions whenever I tried to help others.
May you find your true path.
May 23, 2022
Fully Divine
Read my Memoir
“Raised by Wolves Trapped by Demons.”
This is an inspirational memoir about surviving abuse and addiction. It is about 60000 words and 57 chapters. The topics covered include child abuse, disassociated amnesia, addiction, domestic violence, mental illness, recovery and spiritual growth.
Human beings are meant to feel emotion. When that mechanism is short-circuited, first by emotionally neglectful parents and later continued by bad choices as an adult, it throws off the whole organism. Depression and anxiety are two of the most common causes of emotional numbness. Trauma and addiction were also on my personal hit parade. Many years of counseling, soul searching and gut-wrenching honesty have started to dissipate that numbness. I was able to break free from most of my demons. I no longer feel trapped. I now have many moments of happiness and a few glimpses of joy. Progress not perfection is my maxim. I wrote this book for the many marginalized women and women in abusive circumstances. My goal is to ignite the desire to live and grow, no matter the trauma.
I have self-published on Amazon and sold about 400 books since 2021.
I have also published abuse, addiction,Raised by Wolves: Trapped by DemonsVella essays on that platform.
My penname is Mimi Tallo
Buy it on Amazon.com or Call her @ 561-676-4017
Today I set an intention to know spiritual freedom through my awareness of oneness with When I claim this truth, nothing can take my freedom from me. Nothing can bind me to any thought of limitation. I remember I am made in the image and likeness of God. My experience of life is what I choose to make it. What joy, what freedom I have as a child of God!
all that is. As I rejoice in this feeling, I discover I can be in the world but not of it.
I am always free to choose my responses. The world’s affairs are but a reminder to pray, affirming that Spirit is in and through all things. The truth of my existence is spiritual. Although I am fully human with a body, mind, thoughts, and feelings, I am also fully divine.
“Raised by Wolves Trapped by Demons.”
This is an inspirational memoir about surviving abuse and addiction. It is about 60000 words and 57 chapters. The topics covered include child abuse, disassociated amnesia, addiction, domestic violence, mental illness, recovery and spiritual growth.
Human beings are meant to feel emotion. When that mechanism is short-circuited, first by emotionally neglectful parents and later continued by bad choices as an adult, it throws off the whole organism. Depression and anxiety are two of the most common causes of emotional numbness. Trauma and addiction were also on my personal hit parade. Many years of counseling, soul searching and gut-wrenching honesty have started to dissipate that numbness. I was able to break free from most of my demons. I no longer feel trapped. I now have many moments of happiness and a few glimpses of joy. Progress not perfection is my maxim. I wrote this book for the many marginalized women and women in abusive circumstances. My goal is to ignite the desire to live and grow, no matter the trauma.
I have self-published on Amazon and sold about 400 books since 2021.
I have also published abuse, addiction,Raised by Wolves: Trapped by DemonsVella essays on that platform.
My penname is Mimi Tallo
Buy it on Amazon.com or Call her @ 561-676-4017
Today I set an intention to know spiritual freedom through my awareness of oneness with When I claim this truth, nothing can take my freedom from me. Nothing can bind me to any thought of limitation. I remember I am made in the image and likeness of God. My experience of life is what I choose to make it. What joy, what freedom I have as a child of God!
all that is. As I rejoice in this feeling, I discover I can be in the world but not of it.
I am always free to choose my responses. The world’s affairs are but a reminder to pray, affirming that Spirit is in and through all things. The truth of my existence is spiritual. Although I am fully human with a body, mind, thoughts, and feelings, I am also fully divine.
