Surviving a hostile womb
Many pediatric experts believe that the emotional development of a child begins well before the baby is born. As a fetus grows, it's constantly getting messages from its mother. It's not just hearing her heartbeat. It also gets chemical signals through the placenta. A new study, which will be published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that this includes signals about the mother's mental state. If the mother is depressed, that affects how the baby develops after it's born. "We believe that the human fetus is an active participant in its own development and is collecting information for life after birth. "It's preparing for life based on messages the mom is providing."
Chronic stress may also contribute to subtle differences in brain development that might lead to behavioral issues as the baby grows. Research in this area is still early, and doctors still need to figure out the exact link between stress and pregnancy outcomes
My mother tried to abort me. How do I know this? She wrote it in a journal that she knew I would read after her death. She wrote, "When I realized I was pregnant, I jumped up and down the hallway steps multiple times and took mustard baths every day to end it. But it didn’t work”.
I can only assume she was resentful her entire pregnancy. 13 months later, my brother was born. When he was older, she would beat him and tell him, "My life would be so much better if you were never born".
The state of safety or anxiety that children experience is determined by the response of the adult with whom a child establishes an emotional bond. This emotional bond evolves as the child advances in his or her development Neither my brother nor I could establish a bond with our mother.
My mother was cold, introverted and detached. I have no memories of her ever hugging or kissing any of us. As a result of not having a maternal mirror, I grew up feeling unseen and misunderstood. I suffered from low self-esteem and a high degree of self-doubt.
A daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force that doesn't diminish with unavailability. Wounds may include lack of confidence and trust, difficulty setting boundaries, and being overly sensitive. Daughters of unloving mothers may unwittingly replicate the maternal bond in other relationships.
According to attachment theory, early attachments form our internal templates or mental representations of how relationships work in the world. Without therapy or intervention, these mental representations tend to repeat in every scenario.
The key point is that a daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force, and that need doesn't diminish with unavailability—it coexists with the terrible and damaging understanding that the one person who is supposed to love you without condition doesn’t. The struggle to heal and cope is a mighty one. It affects many, if not all, parts of the self—especially in the area of relationships.
Emotional neglect is not unusual to a child abuse survivor and they often don’t realize the cruelty is not normal. They grow in unsafe homes, where being used and abused is all they know. It’s far easier to be in further abusive unsafe relationships later on in life, when you don’t realize the behaviors are not normal, are not justified and not acceptable.
I was not taught to respect myself. I did not learn I should be treated with care, love, safety. It’s easier to tolerate abuse, when you don’t know you don’t deserve it.
I married abusive men. The normalcy of the abuse, the avoidance of facing reality, the fear of being alone, rejected, can kept me locked in toxic abusive relationships. Childhood abuse survivors are less likely to leave an abusive relationship with a harmful person in adulthood.
I wrongly believed if I just loved the damaged person enough, the individual would change. I had a false belief that I could change the abusive behavior and shouldn’t give up on them. Toxic individuals rarely ever change.
My first husband was an alcoholic and a sex addict. the second was a gambler and a pathological liar. They were both prime examples of “Toxic Masculinity”. For years I experienced suicidal ideations and self-harm until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. At that turning point, I chose a path of recovery and spiritual guidance from honest worthy people. After many years of self-medicating and accepting the unacceptable, I finally got help.
I learned about triggers. Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain or sensation cannot be explained by any other health issues and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again. I developed knots in most of my muscles which was diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. Later in life, a neurologist diagnosed me with Small Nerve Fiber Neuropathy and Sjogren's Disease. I believe nerve damage may have started when I was living in my mother's hostile, angry womb.
One of the first places I visited when I moved to Florida was the Loggerhead Marine Life Center in Juno Beach. LMC is committed to the rehabilitation of sick and injured sea turtles. In the souvenir shop I was drawn to a hand carved wooden turtle. I immediately had a feeling that this was my spirit animal. The turtle’s hard shell is an analogy for endurance, perseverance and also the idea that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The spiritual meaning of a turtle is finding the way to move forward and live through heavy times. As the turtle is a slow pacer, so was my spiritual enlightenment.
I spent a great deal of time trying to find the meaning of life. It took decades to realize that my purpose in life could not be found in my mind. Purpose was a living body that existed in me that I was not even aware of. The Shaman Ruda’ lande’ said the greatest experiences come from our actions not our feelings. The same can be said about finding your reason for living. You don’t need to know your purpose to have one. Our actions towards others defines both meaning and purpose. When I allowed myself to be instead of trying so hard to do all the time, I was finally able to hear my true inner voice. I started noticing all the synchronicities in my life. Every path I took, even the detours, had been defining my unique intention in life. My purpose showed up through my actions whenever I tried to help others.
May you find your true path.
Chronic stress may also contribute to subtle differences in brain development that might lead to behavioral issues as the baby grows. Research in this area is still early, and doctors still need to figure out the exact link between stress and pregnancy outcomes
My mother tried to abort me. How do I know this? She wrote it in a journal that she knew I would read after her death. She wrote, "When I realized I was pregnant, I jumped up and down the hallway steps multiple times and took mustard baths every day to end it. But it didn’t work”.
I can only assume she was resentful her entire pregnancy. 13 months later, my brother was born. When he was older, she would beat him and tell him, "My life would be so much better if you were never born".
The state of safety or anxiety that children experience is determined by the response of the adult with whom a child establishes an emotional bond. This emotional bond evolves as the child advances in his or her development Neither my brother nor I could establish a bond with our mother.
My mother was cold, introverted and detached. I have no memories of her ever hugging or kissing any of us. As a result of not having a maternal mirror, I grew up feeling unseen and misunderstood. I suffered from low self-esteem and a high degree of self-doubt.
A daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force that doesn't diminish with unavailability. Wounds may include lack of confidence and trust, difficulty setting boundaries, and being overly sensitive. Daughters of unloving mothers may unwittingly replicate the maternal bond in other relationships.
According to attachment theory, early attachments form our internal templates or mental representations of how relationships work in the world. Without therapy or intervention, these mental representations tend to repeat in every scenario.
The key point is that a daughter’s need for her mother’s love is a primal driving force, and that need doesn't diminish with unavailability—it coexists with the terrible and damaging understanding that the one person who is supposed to love you without condition doesn’t. The struggle to heal and cope is a mighty one. It affects many, if not all, parts of the self—especially in the area of relationships.
Emotional neglect is not unusual to a child abuse survivor and they often don’t realize the cruelty is not normal. They grow in unsafe homes, where being used and abused is all they know. It’s far easier to be in further abusive unsafe relationships later on in life, when you don’t realize the behaviors are not normal, are not justified and not acceptable.
I was not taught to respect myself. I did not learn I should be treated with care, love, safety. It’s easier to tolerate abuse, when you don’t know you don’t deserve it.
I married abusive men. The normalcy of the abuse, the avoidance of facing reality, the fear of being alone, rejected, can kept me locked in toxic abusive relationships. Childhood abuse survivors are less likely to leave an abusive relationship with a harmful person in adulthood.
I wrongly believed if I just loved the damaged person enough, the individual would change. I had a false belief that I could change the abusive behavior and shouldn’t give up on them. Toxic individuals rarely ever change.
My first husband was an alcoholic and a sex addict. the second was a gambler and a pathological liar. They were both prime examples of “Toxic Masculinity”. For years I experienced suicidal ideations and self-harm until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. At that turning point, I chose a path of recovery and spiritual guidance from honest worthy people. After many years of self-medicating and accepting the unacceptable, I finally got help.
I learned about triggers. Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain or sensation cannot be explained by any other health issues and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again. I developed knots in most of my muscles which was diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. Later in life, a neurologist diagnosed me with Small Nerve Fiber Neuropathy and Sjogren's Disease. I believe nerve damage may have started when I was living in my mother's hostile, angry womb.
One of the first places I visited when I moved to Florida was the Loggerhead Marine Life Center in Juno Beach. LMC is committed to the rehabilitation of sick and injured sea turtles. In the souvenir shop I was drawn to a hand carved wooden turtle. I immediately had a feeling that this was my spirit animal. The turtle’s hard shell is an analogy for endurance, perseverance and also the idea that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The spiritual meaning of a turtle is finding the way to move forward and live through heavy times. As the turtle is a slow pacer, so was my spiritual enlightenment.
I spent a great deal of time trying to find the meaning of life. It took decades to realize that my purpose in life could not be found in my mind. Purpose was a living body that existed in me that I was not even aware of. The Shaman Ruda’ lande’ said the greatest experiences come from our actions not our feelings. The same can be said about finding your reason for living. You don’t need to know your purpose to have one. Our actions towards others defines both meaning and purpose. When I allowed myself to be instead of trying so hard to do all the time, I was finally able to hear my true inner voice. I started noticing all the synchronicities in my life. Every path I took, even the detours, had been defining my unique intention in life. My purpose showed up through my actions whenever I tried to help others.
May you find your true path.
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Karen
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Sep 05, 2023 08:28AM
Thank you so much for writing this.
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If this hit a chord, you might like my book, Raised by Wolves Trapped by Demons. It’s on Amazon and Audible
