Andrew Moore's Blog, page 48

Are Elements Good?

Sometimes I think any instance of fire magic should be replaced with bee magic, but other times I think there's no point pretending fire isn't impressive. Maybe the thing to do is fire, lightning, death, bee instead of trying to make earth magic something worth having.

Addendum

The percentage of people in the population capable of fighting should be 100, and every one should be issued a magic weapon at birth.

Fantasy Demographics

To get a good idea of how many people might live in your fantasy kingdom, simply find an estimate of the population of France in A.D. 1200 and multiply it by one thousand at least, because nobody cares what happens in tiny little underpopulated A.D. 1200 France. Go read the Mahabharata or something. Yeesh.

The Heart of Necromancy

"Blast!"
The corpse dissolved into dust while the necromancer looked on, disgusted. His servant moved to clean up the mess, barely quelling his repugnance.
"Hurry up, servant. The experiments must be resumed right away. When I have combined zombies and ghosts successfully, at last the zombost will exist, with all the insubstantiality of the ghost and the stench of the zombie! Ahahaha!"
"Yes, master." The servant worked quickly, not because of the command but because of his own inclination to spend the least possible time in the experimental chamber. Even so, he paused at the door and looked back, mumbling, "How does he afford all this? Who would pay him?"
"You fool! I heard every word. Don't you realize I'm an employee of the city in charge of freeing up cemetery space? I've been commended for my work every year! Begone!"
That was how the servant learned he had been hiding his employer's identity for no reason. I hope we all learned a little something about honesty and, more importantly, government work.
Finis

What Fantasy and Science Fiction Authors Have Forgotten

Bow ties. When was the last time you read someone described as wearing a bow tie? How about the first time? As if a dragon wouldn't put on a bow tie.

Addendum

The wings should also be baleful.

The Core Pegasus Fault

Pegasuses don't look tough enough. They should have eight wings and baleful eyes.

The True Test of Empathy

How bad do you think elves are at writing human characters? The worst part is probably that one of them got a reputation for writing good humans and other elves just repeat that because they heard it once, but really that one is the worst at it. They seem more sympathetic because they aren't even trying to be anything but elves with round ears.

Addendum

So does "dull," which was a good move by the guy who invented it. I hope he got a nice bonus.

Words That Need More Synonyms

Door. Sure there are some, but "door" has such a dull sound.