Andrew Moore's Blog, page 50

The Essential Next Step

Fellas, we gotta rig books to detect the heat and sweat of the fingers on the pages and then dynamically charge extra for the next few pages. The industry won't survive if we're remiss.

Question About Branch Rivalries

How smug do you think marines are toward space marines? Imagine being described by analogy. We don't call infantry "earth marines." They matter enough to get their own name. Absolutely ludicrous. Space marines, come on.

A Brutal Takedown

More like Dorkula and Van Smellthings! Wait, did Mad Magazine already do that?

Riding Turtles

Obviously you're thinking of a mammoth turtle, possibly with a crew of six, but don't forget to have one character ride around on tiny little turtle for contrast.

A Harsh but Deserved Penalty

"Once upon a time, the people were troubled. They all had the same question and no answers. In their confusion they went to the temple and prayed. 'King of the gods, please tell us how we can tell when spring ends and summer begins! We offer you six thousand bulls as sacrifice.'
"The great god heard them. He descended from his palace and said this. 'You don't have nearly enough problems if this is what you're praying for. I've decided you'll all die, most of you within a century of your birth.' And that is how humans became mortal."
"Wait," one of the children objected. "Why do I have to be mortal then? I never bothered any god about anything dumb like that."
"Maybe not, but you did wake me up to bug me about when's the next time we're going to the city," the father said, and that shut the little twerp up. But not for long, and therefore immortality is denied us still.
Moral: Don't pretend you don't know.
Finis

Speaking of Minotaurs

Riding a minotaur into battle is a waste of a good minotaur, so just ride a bull or a warcow instead. Don't forget to equip your warcow with a helmet that has more horns on it.

Inspirational Phrase of the Day

"Prismatic Minotaur"

Effective World Communication

Worried about how to get your setting across to the readers? Just have your characters be forced to enter a quiz competition. This segment should be 200 pages.

Thoughts on Wuthering Waves

This whole time I thought it was a period piece serving as an unofficial sequel to Wuthering Heights, but now everyone's telling me it's a mobile action-rpg with incredibly boring story sequences. It is a period piece, but the period is the post-apocalyptic future as is the case in every single Chinese mobile game except Langrisser Mobile. I think they're trying to tell us something.

The Simple Things

When you think about non-horse riding animals, obviously you go to lions, dragons, dinosaurs, and ostriches, but don't forget the humble camel. Camels are, one, stupid-looking, and two, ludicrous.