Stephan Pastis's Blog, page 29

A New Edition of Reader Mail!

Just click HERE to see the video.

And once you're there, if you're already a member of Facebook, just click the little "Become a Fan" icon.

Love Thy Neighbor, But Don't Sit Near Them

I'm going to church this morning.

Whenever I go to church, I try to sit in the far back, where nobody else is sitting .

Then I listen for an hour as the priest talks about the importance of loving your neighbor.  I nod my head.

As he talks, people sit near me.  They chat.  So I get up and move.  Then I listen to the importance of loving your neighbor again.

As I try to focus on loving one's neighbor, another one of these idiot neighbors sits right next to me.  He smells like he bathed in...

A Cartoonish Prank Gone Awry, or, How I Came to Own a Danielle Steel Novel

Went to a bookstore yesterday to sign Pearls books.

I took a stack of books to the counter.  The clerks were busy with other customers.

So I did something I've never done before.  I started signing them without asking.

I didn't have my ID on me, but I figured if someone did ask, I could always point to my photo on the cover of either "Pearls Sells Out" or "The Crass Menagerie."

But no one asked.  The clerks didn't care.  Even after they finished with their customers, they said nothing to me. ...

The Importance of Hanging Up Phones

Some people want to know who killed JFK.

I want to know why the standard cell phone message recording includes this line:

"When you're finished recording, please hang up."

If you're at a point in your life when you don't know to hang up the phone after you're done with a phone call, you have bigger problems than your phone.

Who are these people that need that level of instruction?  And how did they cope in the days before the warning?

I can only assume it was once like this:

"Hey, Bob, how you...

Fun with the Yellow Pages

When I was bored as an attorney, I used to pull out the yellow pages and make crank calls.

One of them was to a business named, "Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts."

I told them that I was the owner of "Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts" and that their name was causing confusion.  I asked to talk to their owner.

They handed her the phone.

"Yeah, what's your problem?" she asked.

"Your name.  'Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.'  It's too close to mine,  'Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts, Haircuts.'"

"I've...

My Wife, the Weirdo.

Bored in the shower this morning, I decided to talk aloud.

"Shut up," I said to no one in particular.

"No, you shut up," I responded.

"No, YOU shut up," I repeated.

"No, YOU shut up," I answered.

You could tell things were getting heated.

"Did you just tell me to shut up?" I asked.

"What are you gonna do about it?" I answered.

That's when I heard a third voice.  I was concerned because it wasn't one of mine.

"Who are you talking to?" asked my wife Staci.

I looked up.  She was staring at me through the...

A Vehicular Riddle for the Ages

Saw a Hummer on the road this morning.  It was huge.

Whenever I see a Hummer, I  pull alongside it and give the driver the Face.  The Face is somewhere between scorn and revulsion.  I do it every time, unless the driver is big or scary, in which case I just wave.

I can't explain why I make faces at Hummer drivers.  I guess I just don't like the people who drive them.  I know that's an over-generalization, but so is this next sentence.  I don't like anyone.

Maybe it's because I think Hummers...

A New Reader Mail Video

Just click HERE.  If it's any enticement, I must say, it's a quality piece of video.

(And for those of you who have a Facebook account, please click the "become a fan" icon.)

The Little Cricket is Lowering My Blood Pressure

Just cut off a guy while driving.

Didn't mean to.  I just didn't see him when I switched lanes.

So the guy revved his engine and pulled up alongside my car to presumably give me the finger.

But I didn't see his angry face.  Or his angry finger.

All due to my new visualization technique.  Which is this.

Every time I anger another driver, I don't look at him.

Instead, I imagine that he is Jiminy Cricket.

Singing "When You Wish Upon a Star."

Then I don't get mad.  Because it's hard to be mad at a...

I, Rebel

When I was a kid, tattoos were a mark of rebellion.

You had to be courageous to get one, because they would mark you as different.  They marked you as dangerous.  Unpredictable.  You were Marlon Brando in The Wild One.

Now everyone and their uncle has one.   Tattoos are now as rebellious as a Rotary Club membership.

That is bad.

Because now I am 40 and I want to rebel.  And I have no way to show it.

The conformist masses have robbed me of my renegade symbols.

So I am going to start something...