Stephan Pastis's Blog, page 25

Please Don't Squeeze the Aphrodite

I saw an amazingly beautiful woman in the grocery store.

She was tall and thin with long blonde hair and high cheek bones.  She looked like someone Hollywood would cast as Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love.  She even had a certain aura about her, like she knew she was Aphrodite.

That's when I looked in her grocery cart.

And saw the package of toilet paper.

And something inside me died.

Yes, I know.  Everyone does it.

But I wanted to think she was above it.

And that wasn't even the worst part.

The worst...

VICTORY

Moses led his people to the promised land.  Mandela ended Apartheid.  Gandhi freed India.

And Pastis put pants on the pants-less midget.

Ladies and gentleman, our long national nightmare is over.

Today's Ziggy:

On the Tearing Down of the Berlin Wall, and the Putting On of Ziggy's Pants

They are so close we can almost touch them.

I speak, of course, of Ziggy's pants.

Presenting (cue trumpets)…

…….today's Ziggy:

Like the shining Ark of the Covenant, there they are.

Not buried in some Egyptian tomb, but lost by a dry cleaner.

Will the dimunitive man put them on tomorrow?  Or won't he?

It the most anticipated moment in popular culture since the O.J. Simpson verdict.

All brought about by one small rodent who led a revolution.

I don't think it's an overstatement to say that this is the...

HOUSTON, WE'VE GOT PANTS (Well, almost.)

"There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part.  And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop."

– Mario Savio, Free Speech Movement, December, 1964

. . . .

The voices of millions are now being heard.

I give you…..today's Ziggy:

Fine, he still isn't wearing pants.  But Rome wasn't built in a...

I Pant, You Pant, We All Pant for Ziggy Pants

Sometimes when I parody another cartoonist I call them in advance.  Sometimes I don't.

In the case of the Ziggy strips this week, I did.  In part because I needed some help.  Specifically, with the premise of this particular strip:

I had never before spoken with Ziggy creator, Tom Wilson Jr., so it made the conversation a little awkward.  My intro to him on the phone went something like this:

"Hey Tom, my name is Stephan Pastis, and I do the comic strip Pearls Before Swine.  Anyways, I'm doing...

Call Now. Operators are Standing By.

Because I am a really really really nice guy, I have signed the final bunch of Pearls books that I will be signing before Christmas.  In each one, I drew either Rat, Pig, Guard Duck, Zebra, Goat, Snuffles, a croc, or me.

In the past, they have sold out rather quick, so if you're interested, contact THIS bookstore.

And Merry Christmas from me.  The cartoonist with a heart.   (It's tiny and black like a lump of coal, but still, it beats.)

A Heartwarming Christmas Tale to Read to Your Children This Holiday Season

All I wanted was a sandwich.

I had taken a number at the deli section of the grocery store and I was waiting for it to be called.

That's when the mother of one of my son's friends saw me.  I thought about hiding in the bread aisle, but I didn't want to miss my number being called.

She walked over and started talking.  About her son.  About the basketball league her son is in.  About the coach of that baskeball team.  About the coach of his baseball team.  About how something in some tryout...

Requiem for Smart People

Was at the airport yesterday sitting through a three-hour delay.  I desperately needed a book, so I went to the airport gift shop.

Desperate though I was, there was not one book I could buy.  They were all dumb crime novels or romance novels or mystery novels.

I noticed something else about all their dumb books. All the titles had bumpy letters, the kind you can feel with your fingers.

That is how I know a book is dumb.  If I can feel the title with my fingers.

If you're not blind and reading...

Time for Another Edition of Reader Mail (Candlelight Edition)

It's time for Reader Mail!

Just click HERE to view.

Please Don't Feed the Staci Bear

My wife Staci gave me a load of clothes to wash.

She told me to click the "heavy load" button and the "normal colors" button and then pull the little knob out.  As you might tell from the directions, this task did not lie comfortably in my wheelhouse.

Against all odds, the clothes got washed.  She thanked me.

It was a grand success.

That was about six months ago.

Since that fateful day, she has asked me to do it repeatedly.

She no longer thanks me.

Now, the only time I hear from her is if I don't...